The Diary Of What Actually Happens
By. Patty Farrell
Monday
Today Greg Heffley left his DIARY in math class.
It’s not a journal either. It says “diary” right on the front cover in big letters. I couldn’t stop laughing because a BOY has a DIARY!
I was going to give it right back, but curiosity got the best of me and I read it.
I know! I know! I shouldn’t have. It’s supposed to be private. I would die if someone read mine. But you know what? I’m glad I did. That jerk wrote about me in his diary! A bunch of times! Most of it was a lie of course. It is so pathetic!
From now on, I’ll tell you all about what ACTUALLY happens in Greg Heffley’s life but without all of the lies.
Wednesday
Ugh Greg and all of the boys in our grade are always talking about the “cheese touch”. That game, or whatever it is, is SO stupid. Someone touches this gross cheese and they all run around and scream “EW! Fregley has the cheese touch!” Then they shun the kid who touched it for weeks. Why don’t they just wash their hands? Duh. No more cheese fingers. Problem solved!
Friday
Halloween was awesome! I went to maybe 50 houses trick-or-treating and now I have bags and bags of candy. I dressed up as a scary witch, because that is completely the opposite of who I am.
But forget about the candy. Do you want to know what made the night even better? I saw Greg and Rowley being chased around by these big high school boys! The high school boys were screaming, “Give us your candy or you’re in big trouble!” Rowley and Greg looked so scared. They should have just given up their candy, but Greg and Rowley ran to Greg’s grandma’s house to get away. They should be more careful. I bet this will come back around to get them in the end.
Tuesday
Today was such a great day at school! It was just announced in school that we would be having a new class where we developed a project. Our project was to make a robot. Everyone was super bummed that we would not actually be making the robot, just talking about it, but the everyone was so excited to work on it.
The boys tried to come up with some ideas, but they were all stupid. The girls decided to work by themselves and came up with the coolest robot ever. It helps with your hair and makeup! Its fingers had ten different colors of lip-gloss that popped out! It was so awesome!
However, the boys wouldn’t help us with our idea and it was annoying all of us girls so much. They were just writing a list of curse words for whatever reason. Boys are so dumb. The teacher came in and saw their list and shut down the robot project.
Don’t tell anyone… but… I was the one who told the teacher. I told on them because Greg Heffley was in the group and I hate him so much that I just wanted him to get in trouble. I had to sacrifice the rest of the boys in our class too. It turned out okay though because no one knew it was me who told on the boys. I made our teacher promise not to tattle on me.
Thursday
Today gym class was separated into boys and girls. The boys had to go wrestle and the girls did gymnastics. I am so thankful for that. I hate having gym with the smelly boys. They get all sweaty and gross. I like it better when they separate us.
Anyway, in the middle of our routine, we heard some commotion from behind the curtain and out stepped Greg Heffley and his friend Rowley. They were in their singlets and they looked so funny. You should have seen them! The singlets look likes girls’ bathing suits.
The girls decided to go peek inside the wrestling gym when our teacher wasn’t looking and watch the boys. There is this boy named Fregley who looks like a string bean. He is so skinny. He is smaller than all of the girls. Guess who got paired with him! Yep! Greg Heffley! That isn’t even the best part. When Fregley and Greg started wrestling, Greg was pinned down so fast. You should have seen the shocked look on his face! I wish I took a picture. No one would ever guess that Fregley could do that, but I guess it’s no surprise that Greg couldn’t handle wrestling. He is secretly a big wimp. He should probably start working out or everyone will think he is lame.
Friday
Greg Heffley was just announced as the new cartoonist for our school paper. I tried out, but didn’t get it. I’ve seen his artwork. It isn’t even that good. My comic was so much better, so this is so unfair. I gave out relationship advice to the students through comics. What could Greg even write a comic about? The cheese touch and sports? Whatever. The first issue comes out later today.
Update: The whole class is making fun of Greg now. They are running around calling him “teacher’s pet”, so he quit his job drawing the comics. His comic was all about math and how to learn more about it. He claims Mr. Ira edited his comic, which is probably true, but I will definitely NOT be defending him. He is always so mean to me, so he deserves to be ridiculed.
Monday
Okay, so let me tell you the real story about Christmas play, since pea-brain is going to just lie about what happened. He has been telling everyone all about it.
First of all, Greg did NOT hit me with one of the apples! It only skimmed the top of my head, but I was so mad at him that I cried. And second, everyone thought I was crying because I was actually hit with the apple but I wasn’t. Greg is just always so mean to me, so I wasn’t going to tell the truth because I wanted him to get in trouble! He ruined the entire play and we all worked so hard on it for weeks.
I didn’t even see Greg get in trouble. How unfair is that? His parents looked really mad when they were leaving the play. They said, “You’re in BIG trouble Gregory Heffley. Just wait until we get home”, but the next day I saw him walking to Rowley’s house to play after school.
Wednesday
The yearbooks came out today and I was awarded “most likely to succeed”. Which makes sense, because I will definitely be rich and powerful when I am older. Remember that robot idea I told you about? That will make me millions of dollars. Poor Rowley was labeled “class clown”, which I think is kind of sad. Most people are just laughing at him, not with him.
Of course this brings to mind Greg Heffley again. I know I talk about him a lot, but that is only because he makes me so mad. He is so mean to me, Rowley, and probably everyone else he knows. I bet his parents barely even like him. I wouldn’t blame them.
Anyway, do you want to know what he did to Rowley? This is crazy. Rowley was nice enough to buy him an awesome Christmas present. It was a Big Wheel, which I guess is kind of made for little kids, but all Greg got Rowley was a book, so he should be thankful. Greg took Rowley outside and had him ride the Big Wheel down a steep hill while he PELTED Rowley with footballs! Can you believe that? He could have seriously hurt Rowley! Greg Heffley is the biggest jerk I have ever met.
Friday
Wow. I can’t believe what happened yesterday. I am seriously in shock. Don’t judge me for what I’m about to say. Okay?
So, like I said, Greg took advantage of Rowley again. They are both safety guards (why anyone would give those two idiots that job is beyond me) and they were walking the preschoolers home after lunch. I don’t know the full story, but Greg scared the little kids and blamed Rowley for it. He got in a lot of trouble, so he was mad at Greg and stopped being his friend.
Anyway, that is NOT the point of this story. Greg and Rowley started arguing on the playground yesterday and the high school kids came and started picking on them. Yep, those same high school boys from Halloween! I guess they didn’t forget about that night. Didn’t I say that would happen? I was watching behind the bushes and I saw them make Rowley eat that gross cheese!
So, obviously, when our class came to school the next day, everyone noticed the cheese was gone. For whatever reason, Greg told everyone that he threw the cheese away. Everyone started freaking out because Greg now had the “cheese touch” and no one would go near him.
Now this is the part where you can’t judge me… but I think Greg was SO brave to take the fall for Rowley. He knew everyone would be so grossed out if they knew Rowley not only touched the cheese, but he ate it. Greg is such a good friend. I am starting to regret all of the negative things I said about him. Again, don’t judge me!!
Monday
Greg looked cute in math class today.
:wub: