I'm back! It's been a while. Long winded and mildly dramatic details after the story.
For purposes on continuity, this is written the morning after the end of chapter six.
From the diary of Keitaro Urashima,
What is it to be in love?
What is love itself?
Ask a hundred different people, get a hundred different answers. Many will be
variations on a theme, but no two will be quite the same.
We all have different expectations, forged by our culture, the movies, advertising
and books we read, our upbringing, our social circle, and a thousand other little
variables that make us who we are.
I always thought it was when your heart leapt into your throat, when your palms
became moist and time seemed to freeze as the object of your affections came into
view. Or perhaps something earned, through slavish devotion to a promise or a set
of principles. It was something that, once attained, was entirely worth dying for.
My perception of it was as an outsider, as someone powerless before its might,
bowed by its majesty. It was never personal, never mutual, never really changed
anything.
Now I am forced to consider that I may have been wrong.
It seems incredible that I managed to survive to the age of twenty-three and cling
to an idea that was an utter fallacy.
I was a blind fool in high school, my eyes blinded by visions of my promise girl, I
never indulged in the puppy loves and flirtations that my peers enjoyed. I see now
that they were practice, learning the steps in an intricate social dance that I am now
forced to improvise, having joined the party too late and wearing the wrong shoes.
Even in prep school, I had opportunities. There were other introverts there, others
who had stunted social development in the name of better grades and a better
school. In the clarity of retrospect, I can see several lost chances. Ayaka in social
studies and Michiru in English, just to name two. At the time I thought their
invitations of study and help were only that, and declined. Now, I see the truth
behind the stammers and blushes.
And once I came to the Inn, my world changed. I was finally forced to consider the
world around me instead of mindlessly obsessing on the future. I was able to notice
Naru. My Naru, though she was never really mine, not in any way that mattered. I
loved her, in my stunted, pathetic way, but she never loved me in return, not in any
way that forced either of us to grow, to change, to live.
How do I know? How has my idea of love changed? How do I know I was wrong?
Because I have her now.
Kitsune gives back what I give her. Ourà relationship, which I hesitate to define, is
mutual. Both of us are willing to make an effort, to change, to grow. We are willing
to be wrong, willing to listen, more importantly, willing to hear each other.
Before I said that I viewed love as something powerful that held me in thrall.
I now know that to be wrong, to love and to be loved is the most empowering
experience in my limited existence. It frees me to be myself, though that identity is
tempered by my lovers needs. It frees me to live and gives me a reason to endure.
She accepts me as I am and as I want to be. She doesnÆt pressure me to achieve,
but I want to anyway, to be a better man for her, to give her the very best of me.
Love is not earned, it is given, freely and without expectations. And when it is
returned just as freely, then you have something worth fighting for. Moreover,
something worth living for.
However, I still have my fears. I have been hurt in the past, badly. I have been
used and abused. And somewhere, there is still a girl I made a promise to a long
time ago. I donÆt know if she even remembers it, or me. In some ways, I hope not.
I hope she lived a life free of that burden, of the goal that allowed me to ignore my
own life.
I know that what I have with Kitsune is something I cherish, and something I want
very much to continue. But is it love? I think so, but I was wrong before. Could I be
wrong now?
IÆm pretty sure she loves me. She all but said it last night. I could love her, I think. I
could also hurt her, badly. I donÆt know what to do. IÆm scared, and I feel like IÆm
not ready to take that kind of risk with my heart yet.
Butà if I donÆt, what will that do to her? And what will that say about me? Am I
content to string her along, taking advantage of her feelings, using her for my (okay
our) pleasure, holding myself back until I reach some undefined comfort zone?
WouldnÆt that be a lot like what Naru did to me? Making me wait, making me suffer
for her cowardice, for her lack of decisiveness?
It is the nature of the abused to abuse others in turn. It takes an act of uncommon
will and self-awareness to break the cycle.
But sheÆs worth it. WeÆre worth it.
IÆll tell her when she wakes up. If sheÆll have me, if she wants me, as damaged and
inexperienced as I am, IÆm hers, body and soul.
Because I love her, and for the first time in my life, I know what that really means.
-Fin-
It's been quite a year for me. Just over a year ago, I met the woman of my dreams.
Two months ago, we were married. The past year has been incredibly hectic,
chaotic, and at times, difficult. My family has endured far too many tragedies and
challenges in a very short time. But it has also been the happiest year of my life.
It's been a year or more since I sat down at my keyboard to write, since I've had
the clarity to form words into something resembling art. I have always tried to
connect with my characters, to channel my emotions, my experiences into my
stories. Whether I have succeeded is up to you, not me. But it's fair to say that,
living through a year of escalating joy and alternating horror, the stakes have never
been higher and I've never had more material to work with.
My hope is that what I write reaches you, stirs you, perhaps even inspires you.
Writing is about communicating ideas and emotions, and if I can make you feel
what I feel, even for just a moment, then I have achieved a great and wondrous
thing.
Maybe we can even have a little fun along the way.
-Exar out.
For purposes on continuity, this is written the morning after the end of chapter six.
From the diary of Keitaro Urashima,
What is it to be in love?
What is love itself?
Ask a hundred different people, get a hundred different answers. Many will be
variations on a theme, but no two will be quite the same.
We all have different expectations, forged by our culture, the movies, advertising
and books we read, our upbringing, our social circle, and a thousand other little
variables that make us who we are.
I always thought it was when your heart leapt into your throat, when your palms
became moist and time seemed to freeze as the object of your affections came into
view. Or perhaps something earned, through slavish devotion to a promise or a set
of principles. It was something that, once attained, was entirely worth dying for.
My perception of it was as an outsider, as someone powerless before its might,
bowed by its majesty. It was never personal, never mutual, never really changed
anything.
Now I am forced to consider that I may have been wrong.
It seems incredible that I managed to survive to the age of twenty-three and cling
to an idea that was an utter fallacy.
I was a blind fool in high school, my eyes blinded by visions of my promise girl, I
never indulged in the puppy loves and flirtations that my peers enjoyed. I see now
that they were practice, learning the steps in an intricate social dance that I am now
forced to improvise, having joined the party too late and wearing the wrong shoes.
Even in prep school, I had opportunities. There were other introverts there, others
who had stunted social development in the name of better grades and a better
school. In the clarity of retrospect, I can see several lost chances. Ayaka in social
studies and Michiru in English, just to name two. At the time I thought their
invitations of study and help were only that, and declined. Now, I see the truth
behind the stammers and blushes.
And once I came to the Inn, my world changed. I was finally forced to consider the
world around me instead of mindlessly obsessing on the future. I was able to notice
Naru. My Naru, though she was never really mine, not in any way that mattered. I
loved her, in my stunted, pathetic way, but she never loved me in return, not in any
way that forced either of us to grow, to change, to live.
How do I know? How has my idea of love changed? How do I know I was wrong?
Because I have her now.
Kitsune gives back what I give her. Ourà relationship, which I hesitate to define, is
mutual. Both of us are willing to make an effort, to change, to grow. We are willing
to be wrong, willing to listen, more importantly, willing to hear each other.
Before I said that I viewed love as something powerful that held me in thrall.
I now know that to be wrong, to love and to be loved is the most empowering
experience in my limited existence. It frees me to be myself, though that identity is
tempered by my lovers needs. It frees me to live and gives me a reason to endure.
She accepts me as I am and as I want to be. She doesnÆt pressure me to achieve,
but I want to anyway, to be a better man for her, to give her the very best of me.
Love is not earned, it is given, freely and without expectations. And when it is
returned just as freely, then you have something worth fighting for. Moreover,
something worth living for.
However, I still have my fears. I have been hurt in the past, badly. I have been
used and abused. And somewhere, there is still a girl I made a promise to a long
time ago. I donÆt know if she even remembers it, or me. In some ways, I hope not.
I hope she lived a life free of that burden, of the goal that allowed me to ignore my
own life.
I know that what I have with Kitsune is something I cherish, and something I want
very much to continue. But is it love? I think so, but I was wrong before. Could I be
wrong now?
IÆm pretty sure she loves me. She all but said it last night. I could love her, I think. I
could also hurt her, badly. I donÆt know what to do. IÆm scared, and I feel like IÆm
not ready to take that kind of risk with my heart yet.
Butà if I donÆt, what will that do to her? And what will that say about me? Am I
content to string her along, taking advantage of her feelings, using her for my (okay
our) pleasure, holding myself back until I reach some undefined comfort zone?
WouldnÆt that be a lot like what Naru did to me? Making me wait, making me suffer
for her cowardice, for her lack of decisiveness?
It is the nature of the abused to abuse others in turn. It takes an act of uncommon
will and self-awareness to break the cycle.
But sheÆs worth it. WeÆre worth it.
IÆll tell her when she wakes up. If sheÆll have me, if she wants me, as damaged and
inexperienced as I am, IÆm hers, body and soul.
Because I love her, and for the first time in my life, I know what that really means.
-Fin-
It's been quite a year for me. Just over a year ago, I met the woman of my dreams.
Two months ago, we were married. The past year has been incredibly hectic,
chaotic, and at times, difficult. My family has endured far too many tragedies and
challenges in a very short time. But it has also been the happiest year of my life.
It's been a year or more since I sat down at my keyboard to write, since I've had
the clarity to form words into something resembling art. I have always tried to
connect with my characters, to channel my emotions, my experiences into my
stories. Whether I have succeeded is up to you, not me. But it's fair to say that,
living through a year of escalating joy and alternating horror, the stakes have never
been higher and I've never had more material to work with.
My hope is that what I write reaches you, stirs you, perhaps even inspires you.
Writing is about communicating ideas and emotions, and if I can make you feel
what I feel, even for just a moment, then I have achieved a great and wondrous
thing.
Maybe we can even have a little fun along the way.
-Exar out.
