Favorite TV Show Quotes
- Thread starter Revanant Dragoon
- Start date
Some notable Coxisms from Scrubs:
Season 1
ôLook, worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.ö
ôItÆs regular-strength Tylenol! HereÆs whatÆcha do: Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, thatÆs the correct dosage. ô
ôGive my ex-wife, here, a physical. And donÆt be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, itÆs just as scared of you as you are of it.ö
ôCongratulations! Your Dimaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive and well!ö
Season 2
ôOh, from one hell to another.ö
ôNewbie, if the next two words out of your mouth arenÆt ôsee yaö, then the third word will be ôOh, my God, my crotch, youÆve punched me in the crotch.ö
ôOh, hey, Bob, hereÆs an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? WeÆll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, weÆll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say ôIÆve never satisfied a woman. IÆve never satisfied a woman. IÆve never satisfied a woman.ö
ôFine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You wanna know the real skinny? If you want to be good doctors and nurses, you damn-sure better get ready to get in trouble - a lot. Because patients are stupid, and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that, too. But, it really all just comes down to whether or not you got the guts to say just exactly what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say.ö
ôSo, what youÆre saying is that you have a problem that is totally your problem, but youÆd like to find a way to make that problem my problem. But hereÆs the problem, Newbie: itÆs not my problem.ö
ôWork! I hate you! You suck!ö
ôWord to the wise, there, Astro: Sarcasm does not sit well with the Big Dog, so consider this a warning. Because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little passive-aggressive aside, IÆm going to look into your heart, pick out your greatest insecurity, and shine the worldÆs brightest spotlight on it for the remainder of your natural-born days. Now, riddle me this, Fido: Just exactly why does every Asian person whoÆs passing us by in the hallway, here, keep giving you the old stink-eye?ö
Season 3
ôIf you donÆt wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand that. But I donÆt think that means we gotta stop altogether. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person, and you challenge me each and every day. And, honestly, thatÆs the reason I can imagine being with you when IÆm seventy and youÆre sixty-five and your face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.ö
ôI donÆt necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.ö
ôListen, there, scrub-brush, it just so happens it was the only empty seat in the whole joint. And besides, as a fellow abusive drinker, you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.ö
ôI think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking invasive and often pointless tests is an unholy sin.ö
ôIf I actually enjoyed being miserable, then why wouldnÆt I stay here talking to you two?ö
ôOhhh, great! YouÆre getting medication for your pain patient! But, say, why stop there? HowÆs about we load up our fanny packs with happy pills, drive downtown, IÆll hang out of the sun-roof, and we can just throw fistfuls of æem right at drug addicts and itÆll just be a big happy parade!ö
Season 4
ôSweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically-enhanced battle-axe that I truly doubt is a hundred percent human, butàyou are an amazing mom.ö
ôBob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I donÆt know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous neÆer-do-well who drained your retirement nest-egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.ö
ôWhoa! Bob Kelso here before noon? TheyÆre either giving away free doughnuts at the cafÚ, or thereÆs an Asian prostitute convention in the I.C.U.!ö
ôI cannot believe that you of all people are the one I have to tell this to: Ego is good, you dumb-ass. ItÆs the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon, itÆs the reason that she is borderline attracted to you, and itÆs the reason she so desperately wants to marry you. Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing youÆre the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you donÆt believe that?ö
ö Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. Now, all of you know IÆm not one to toot my own horn, but, uhàbeep, beep.ö
ôAnd on behalf of men everywhere ù and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and alleluia!ö
ö Feel free to take notes. Alright there Blossom, hereÆs the hot gossip. YouÆre having seizures again because youÆre not taking your medication. If this continues, you will be deadà and IÆm not talking about the ôoh my God, if I donÆt get invited to the prom IÆm going to dieö type of dead IÆm talking, dead dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if itÆs not I could of course text you on my Blackberry, or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry, although technically Chuck Berry is a black berry. The point is you gotta to stop wasting everybodyÆs time and grow up, is that clear to you sweetheart?ö
ôOh dear God, youÆre speechless. I won! I won an argument! Jack, itÆs unprecedented. WeÆll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh God, we love beer!ö
ôWhatÆs this? Why, itÆs a dummy-gram. And itÆs addressed to you, Barbie. LetÆs read it and find out whatÆs in there. ôYou are disturbingly naive. Stop. Almost fifty percent of ED drugs are taken by recreational users. Stop.ö ô
Season 5
ôListen, Newbie, youÆre not a completely, terribly, horrible, incompetent doctor. While I would never let any blood relatives be your patient, if it was someone that I knew, an acquaintance, I might be OK with you treating them.ö
ôCould I, uh, could I have everybodyÆs attention, please. JordanÆs pregnant. [Talking in high-pitched voice] No. But Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies. We were, but my vasectomy didnÆt take which, apparently, is not that uncommon. [High-pitched voice] Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off. [Regular voice] Yes, it did. What is, what is your name? [High-pitched voice] Oh, IÆm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and l or any baby-related issues. [Regular voice] IsnÆt that nice? This morality play was made possible by a grant from the ôJust See If I Was Kidding Foundationö.ö
ôThose are my workout pants. SheÆs been trying to get rid of those, but IÆll be honest with you, I love them cause theyÆre so comfortable and you can get them on real quick.ö
ôWell, itÆs no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. IÆd liken them to rocks, but that would insult rocks because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges, throw them at guys wearing phones clipped to their heads. ItÆs a phone. You canÆt do this? However, it is not Dr. BriggsÆ fault that she works in a broken system. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons who they think are flawless. ThatÆs not the answer you thought youÆd hear, but as always, I donÆt care.ö
ôI never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. I realized that that tactic would never work, as IÆd be sent straight to hell, which, I imagine is a lot like Acapulco, only thereÆd be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best. Is there a reason youÆre still near me?ö
Season 6
ôGood morning, ôreasons why I drinkö, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our group.ö
ôAny other day IÆd say no, but today IÆm gonna go ahead and just say no.ö
ôSorry about that, Bobo,but IÆm gonna go and tell the truth whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie. ItÆs hideous, in fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline ofàyour man-girdle.ö
ôDOOORIAN! You have been wrong about so many things thatàIÆm not even going to say somethingÆs wrong anymore, instead IÆm going to say ItÆs Dorian! And the fact that youÆll be willing skip seeing that childÆs heartbeat for the first timeàitÆs just plain Dorian! I mean, hell, Jordan is having her second ultrasound and I couldnÆt be more giddy I canÆt wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax-break.ö
ôLook, worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.ö
ôItÆs regular-strength Tylenol! HereÆs whatÆcha do: Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, thatÆs the correct dosage. ô
ôGive my ex-wife, here, a physical. And donÆt be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, itÆs just as scared of you as you are of it.ö
ôCongratulations! Your Dimaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive and well!ö
Season 2
ôOh, from one hell to another.ö
ôNewbie, if the next two words out of your mouth arenÆt ôsee yaö, then the third word will be ôOh, my God, my crotch, youÆve punched me in the crotch.ö
ôOh, hey, Bob, hereÆs an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? WeÆll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, weÆll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say ôIÆve never satisfied a woman. IÆve never satisfied a woman. IÆve never satisfied a woman.ö
ôFine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You wanna know the real skinny? If you want to be good doctors and nurses, you damn-sure better get ready to get in trouble - a lot. Because patients are stupid, and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that, too. But, it really all just comes down to whether or not you got the guts to say just exactly what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say.ö
ôSo, what youÆre saying is that you have a problem that is totally your problem, but youÆd like to find a way to make that problem my problem. But hereÆs the problem, Newbie: itÆs not my problem.ö
ôWork! I hate you! You suck!ö
ôWord to the wise, there, Astro: Sarcasm does not sit well with the Big Dog, so consider this a warning. Because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little passive-aggressive aside, IÆm going to look into your heart, pick out your greatest insecurity, and shine the worldÆs brightest spotlight on it for the remainder of your natural-born days. Now, riddle me this, Fido: Just exactly why does every Asian person whoÆs passing us by in the hallway, here, keep giving you the old stink-eye?ö
Season 3
ôIf you donÆt wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand that. But I donÆt think that means we gotta stop altogether. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person, and you challenge me each and every day. And, honestly, thatÆs the reason I can imagine being with you when IÆm seventy and youÆre sixty-five and your face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.ö
ôI donÆt necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.ö
ôListen, there, scrub-brush, it just so happens it was the only empty seat in the whole joint. And besides, as a fellow abusive drinker, you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.ö
ôI think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking invasive and often pointless tests is an unholy sin.ö
ôIf I actually enjoyed being miserable, then why wouldnÆt I stay here talking to you two?ö
ôOhhh, great! YouÆre getting medication for your pain patient! But, say, why stop there? HowÆs about we load up our fanny packs with happy pills, drive downtown, IÆll hang out of the sun-roof, and we can just throw fistfuls of æem right at drug addicts and itÆll just be a big happy parade!ö
Season 4
ôSweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically-enhanced battle-axe that I truly doubt is a hundred percent human, butàyou are an amazing mom.ö
ôBob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I donÆt know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous neÆer-do-well who drained your retirement nest-egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.ö
ôWhoa! Bob Kelso here before noon? TheyÆre either giving away free doughnuts at the cafÚ, or thereÆs an Asian prostitute convention in the I.C.U.!ö
ôI cannot believe that you of all people are the one I have to tell this to: Ego is good, you dumb-ass. ItÆs the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon, itÆs the reason that she is borderline attracted to you, and itÆs the reason she so desperately wants to marry you. Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing youÆre the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you donÆt believe that?ö
ö Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. Now, all of you know IÆm not one to toot my own horn, but, uhàbeep, beep.ö
ôAnd on behalf of men everywhere ù and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and alleluia!ö
ö Feel free to take notes. Alright there Blossom, hereÆs the hot gossip. YouÆre having seizures again because youÆre not taking your medication. If this continues, you will be deadà and IÆm not talking about the ôoh my God, if I donÆt get invited to the prom IÆm going to dieö type of dead IÆm talking, dead dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if itÆs not I could of course text you on my Blackberry, or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry, although technically Chuck Berry is a black berry. The point is you gotta to stop wasting everybodyÆs time and grow up, is that clear to you sweetheart?ö
ôOh dear God, youÆre speechless. I won! I won an argument! Jack, itÆs unprecedented. WeÆll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh God, we love beer!ö
ôWhatÆs this? Why, itÆs a dummy-gram. And itÆs addressed to you, Barbie. LetÆs read it and find out whatÆs in there. ôYou are disturbingly naive. Stop. Almost fifty percent of ED drugs are taken by recreational users. Stop.ö ô
Season 5
ôListen, Newbie, youÆre not a completely, terribly, horrible, incompetent doctor. While I would never let any blood relatives be your patient, if it was someone that I knew, an acquaintance, I might be OK with you treating them.ö
ôCould I, uh, could I have everybodyÆs attention, please. JordanÆs pregnant. [Talking in high-pitched voice] No. But Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies. We were, but my vasectomy didnÆt take which, apparently, is not that uncommon. [High-pitched voice] Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off. [Regular voice] Yes, it did. What is, what is your name? [High-pitched voice] Oh, IÆm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and l or any baby-related issues. [Regular voice] IsnÆt that nice? This morality play was made possible by a grant from the ôJust See If I Was Kidding Foundationö.ö
ôThose are my workout pants. SheÆs been trying to get rid of those, but IÆll be honest with you, I love them cause theyÆre so comfortable and you can get them on real quick.ö
ôWell, itÆs no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. IÆd liken them to rocks, but that would insult rocks because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges, throw them at guys wearing phones clipped to their heads. ItÆs a phone. You canÆt do this? However, it is not Dr. BriggsÆ fault that she works in a broken system. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons who they think are flawless. ThatÆs not the answer you thought youÆd hear, but as always, I donÆt care.ö
ôI never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. I realized that that tactic would never work, as IÆd be sent straight to hell, which, I imagine is a lot like Acapulco, only thereÆd be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best. Is there a reason youÆre still near me?ö
Season 6
ôGood morning, ôreasons why I drinkö, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our group.ö
ôAny other day IÆd say no, but today IÆm gonna go ahead and just say no.ö
ôSorry about that, Bobo,but IÆm gonna go and tell the truth whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie. ItÆs hideous, in fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline ofàyour man-girdle.ö
ôDOOORIAN! You have been wrong about so many things thatàIÆm not even going to say somethingÆs wrong anymore, instead IÆm going to say ItÆs Dorian! And the fact that youÆll be willing skip seeing that childÆs heartbeat for the first timeàitÆs just plain Dorian! I mean, hell, Jordan is having her second ultrasound and I couldnÆt be more giddy I canÆt wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax-break.ö