EDIT: Ok, since HalloweenÆs over and none of us got anything done, weÆre turning this into a Disgaea-Makai Kingdom-Love Hina comedy crossover, just for the heck of it and to clear our occasional writerÆs blocks. If youÆre interested in our incomprehensible rants, then feel free to read. ItÆs pretty much made of 2 parts boredom, 3 parts insanity, and 5 parts caffeine overdose. ItÆs just for fun and if anyone would like to add anything, even write entire scenes or anything, go ahead. ItÆs a writerÆs block dumping ground now.
Another way to read this is: DonÆt expect quality. This is where we dump lunatic crap.
The following is a beta preview of our first ever joint project. It still needs a lot of work in some places and the humour may require a retouch. Heck, it'll need tons more humour than this. So if you've got any ideas, comments, suggestions, etc. please don't hesitate to tell us. Thanks.
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Halfway Across Hell and Turn Left, The ToiletÆs There Somewhere
A Halloween special from our crew, consisting of Apocalypse Alchemist, Beyond the Bounds, Apocalypse Alchemist, Zenithos, Apocalypse Alchemist, Eternity Incarnate, and last, but certainly not least, Apocalypse Alchemist.
Keitaro and Kanako send half the Hinata Sou population to hell by making a deal with the Jigoku Shoujo, Shinobu Maehara, who makes a slight blunder and sends the other half of the Hinata Sou population down as well. Watch as the Hinata gang bring hell to hell.
Dark Knight Gafgar has been extremely generous in letting us amateurs use his idea as part of our fanfic plot. Thanks a lot, Dark Knight Gafgar. We couldnÆt have done it without you.
Zenithos also takes credit for a part of the plot idea, especially everything appertaining to the jigoku shoujo. This fanfic wouldnÆt exist without her either.
Proofread by one another.
Chapter 1: IÆm Not a Lawyerà
The clock on his dresser glowed on the edge of the pool of light cast by the computerÆs blue black glow, showing the time to be 12.06 PM. The screen itself was still casting light, despite the fact that the screen was pure black. In the middle of it was a single text field. Under it was an icon labeled æsubmitÆ. Way under all that, in dark violet letters, almost obscure and invisible against the black background, was minuscule writing in ineligible cursive.
Keitaro Urashima, constantly abused manager of the Hinata Sou, had spent a good half an hour trying to make heads or tails of the text. So far he had deciphered æDisclaimer: Our Agency is not responsible for any decisions made under the effects of alcohol, medication of any kind, insanity, anime and mangas, or anything else that might inhibit reasoning power. Also, if you happen to be already eligible for hell by default, e.g. lawyers, political leaders, fanfic writers, etc. then good for you.Æ
Keitaro had also spent a good portion of that time trying to decide whether or not he should go ahead with this.
For one thingà.the girls were certainly evil to himà.but did they really deserve hell? Then his mind went back to what had happened todayàor rather, the day before.
Hellà.
He hardened his will and typed in 5 names into the field on screen. He started with æNarusegawa NaruÆ (tapping the letter æuÆ never felt so good) then æAoyama Motoko Æ (he tapped the last æoÆ with a vengeful flourish), followed by æKonno MitsuneÆ (another vengeful hammer on the last æeÆ), Kaolla Suu (his finger hung on the æuÆ but, tapped it anyway), and Sarah McDouggal (no regrets here. That ælÆ made a really satisfying ætapÆ).
He sighed and sat back, looking at the 5 names. He wondered about it for a moment. The other side of the deal, was, off course, that he had to surrender his soul to be taken to hell when he died. He shook his head, chuckled to himself a bit, before reaching out to turn off the computer. Quite accidentally, he knocked over a small figurine of Bill Gates that sat atop his computer. It fell.
Hellà.
Just as toast always fell on the buttered site, Bill Gates fell on his head on the æenterÆ button. Keitaro flinched and shrieked.
Meanwhileà.on the other side of the Hinata Souà.
A small compact laptop flashed on of its own accord. A happy sing song voice chirped æyou have mailÆ.
A timid hand reached out for the computer and looked down at the little teddy bear announcing the e-mail. It slowly, with all the skill of a computer illiterate caveman, maneuvered the touch pad towards the announcement and clicked.
The girl gave a little gasp as a blank black screen (which had æHellmailÆ TM written at the top) replaced the strawberry littered desktop. She yelped and gagged herself with a nearby handkerchief as she read the names written on the screen.
Her eyes went twirly as she wobbled about the room, before smashing into a bookcase which sent a shower of story books and dolls down on her.
Then she rolled across the room, emitting her characteristic æawawawawawawawaÆ.
What was an average teenage girl to do in such a situation anyway? She was, after all, your standard issue teenage girlà.wellà.with the exception of one minor thingà
She was a jigoku shoujo, a hell girl, and whichever authority chose her as hellÆs agent clearly needed a demotion and some strong coffee, and possibly electroshock-therapy as well.
She hadnÆt had a job for quite a while, not since 9/11 when half the world had typed in either one of two quite popular names. The only thing that had prevented her from wiping out half the world population for it was the fact that not even hell was equipped to handle such a population surge (not to mention they werenÆt ready to handle the two said popular people). So, due to newly agreed population laws and other bureaucratic things agreed on by the authorities, about 3 million send-to-hell requests were cancelled overnight and people just dismissed her website as pure crap.
It wasnÆt her fault either.
Being a grim reaper who had just got fired for inexcusable blunders (such as the death of Elvis Presley. Seriously, nobody wanted to see him go), she had wanted to start off a freelance death agency so people wouldnÆt have to go through all the trouble of euthanasia. But the authority had other plansà.
And so she joined the ranks of the jigoku shoujos asàwell, technically, the first. The authority told her she was joining, rather than starting, to make sure it seemed like they had authority. Oh well. The pay was good. So were the working conditions, though she had to work the graveyard shift, literally. Then there was all the trouble with her inbox clogging up every night at 12.
Why she was only allowed to have her website open at 12 was anyoneÆs guessàjust another thing the authority thought up to make her life difficult, probablyà
Half the requests were always housewives and mother-in-laws (and, at times, their respective children-in-laws), who would cancel the deal the very next day, after the grandchildren finally arrive.
The other half would usually be readers trying to kill fanfic writers for bashing the wrong charactersàwhich never works cause pen names donÆt count.
At least she got an assistant to take care of such thingsà
At that very moment, the said assistant went æmyuuÆ as it tapped her on her shoulders.
The little girl sniffled, nodded, got up, bumped her head on the table, got up with a bit more care, got dressed, and scrabbled out of the window.
At the same time, another mail arrived.
This one said æBill GatesÆ.
------------------------
ôWAAAAAH!ö Maehara Shinobu wailed as she banged her little fists on the bar top.
ôSoà.youÆve got to go and send all your best friends to hellàwowà.ö The bartender shook what was left of his head, putting the glass of milk in front of her. He was a very understanding bartender, and in his line of work, it was best to have a heart in the right place. He knew that. ThatÆs why he kept his heart in a vault twenty stories underground inside a concrete bunker.
Not that it helped. This was that kind of world after allà
At the other end of the bar, Anubis and Hades were throwing peanuts at a plasma screen TV showing Bleach.
On a table on one side sat the writers of the æUnderground Comedy MovieÆ, talking over their next diabolical plan to destroy the universe.
ôYou knowà.perhaps you should skip the dilemma scene, cause there are readers out there waiting to see the hell part of the storyàö the bartender suggested to Shinobu, serving the three Fates who were tossing their only eye to one another just to see the menu. Shinobu looked up and gave him a dirty look. ôHeyà.the thing is, this whole weeping on a bar counter thing is just too clichÚ. In my opinion, just get it over with. You can make new friends. Besides, you donÆt really have much of a choice, do you?ö The bartender said. ôAlsoàthe readers might start condemning more fanfic writers to hell for thisàö
A fight broke out between the customers and the live band over their sudden choice to sing a particular Back Street Boys song. Since it was this kind of bar, they were now officially no longer a live band. They were, in all definitions, a dead band.
ôIÆd hurry if I were you.ö The bartended said to Shinobu, handing an Okinawan woman a glass of watermelon punch.
ôWhy?ö Shinobu moaned. ôThese are my friends IÆm talking aboutàö
ôWith the bill I mean. Happy hour ends in 5 minutes.ö The bartended whispered. The bar suddenly went dead silent as all the eyes (dead or alive) turned to the bartender.
ôerràa round of drinks on me?ö The bartended hazarded.
---------------------
Keitaro looked at the screen thoughtfully, shrugged, and yawned. There was nothing else to do. HeÆd probably go to hell anyway for all the stuff he had stashed under his bed. He had no regrets.
His phone suddenly rang. He jumped, knowing this must be the phone call from beyond the grave.
ôUmmmàAnouà.oh, IÆm supposed to stay silentà.ö The voice on the other side said.
ôShinobu-chan?ö Keitaro asked.
ôOhànoàIÆm not Shinobuàö The voice on the other side panicked.
ôBut this is your numberàö Keitaro said, puzzled.
ôReally? OhàIÆm sorry sempai, I pressed the wrong button. Goodnight!ö The voice said, before hanging up. Keitaro looked down at the phone, puzzled.
It rang again. This time, the number was unknown. Keitaro picked it up and listened. The one on the other side was silent. Ah, yes, the voice from beyond the graveà
Suddenly, someone knocked on his window. There was a scuffle, a light curse, before someone screamed.
Keitaro rushed over to the window and opened it. There was nobody.
ôDown hereàö A little voice said. Keitaro obediently looked down.
A small cloaked figure was dangling on his window sill. Keitaro immediately reached down, and, with some difficulty, pulled the figure in.
ôErràanouàummmà..mortalà.ummmà.you have requested my servicesà.ö The figure said in a deep, ethereal voice, trying its best to keep its face concealed under the dark hood. ôHere is a straw doll that marks our contractà.ö She took out a small teddy bear with a red ribbon tied around its neck.
ôErràstraw doll?ö Keitaro asked. He gave the teddy bear a careful look-over.
It was made in China.
ôAnouàanouàwe just ran out of straw dollsàbut this doll will do.ö The cloaked figure explained, panicking. ôAnouàjust pull off the red ribbon and the contract will be sealedà.weÆll send the ones agreed on straight to hellà.ummmàthatÆs allàö
Keitaro gave the ribbon an experimental pull. Then he gave it an experimental tug. Then he gave it an all out tug-of-war.
ôErrà.I canÆt pull itàö Keitaro said, pointing at the knot. It was knotted into a jumble of multiple dead knots.
ôAdditional security. We only provide the best.ö The figure explained, before turning around and leaping out of the window. ôIYAAAAAAAN!ö It cried, before a flat thud came back up to KeitaroÆs ears.
Keitaro shrugged, put the teddy bear down on his dresser, turned off his computer, and went to sleep.
Unbeknownst to him, Urashima Kanako was on the other side of the door, and she had listened to every single little word.
That night, the jigoku shoujo went to sleep, comfortable with the knowledge that she had followed the instructions in æKnotty Naughty Knots Not for Normal KnottersÆ to the letter. There was no way in the world her sempai could get through those knots.
A bit later that night, Urashima Kanako too went to sleep, comfortable with the knowledge that she had followed the instructions in æHow to Unknot Knots from Knotty Naughty Knots Not for Normal KnottersÆ to the periods.
------------------------------------
Early the next morningà.
Narusegawa Naru yawned as the tutor read out a physics thermodynamics question. ôIs Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.ö
Most of the students wrote their answers using Boyle's Law as proof (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some other variant.
Naru herself had written something along the lines of Energy conversions. She knew sheÆd be right anyway.
One student, however, wrote the following:
ôFirst, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Narusegawa Naru during my first day, ôThat it will be a cold night in Hell the night I sleep with you,ö and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.ö
The answer was definitely a straight A retarded answer for a straight A retarded question, which meant the boy who answered it got all the marks.
It was Urashima Keitaro, whose answer was read out to the entire class.
Everyone laughed.
ôNarusegawa Naru has never been wrong, therefore, following her postulate, Urashima KeitaroÆs answer must be correctà.but as today she has gotten her answer completely wrong, then we have a very interesting logical paradox, classàö The tutor said, eyeing Naru.
ôWhat is this retard talking about?ö Naru sighed. ôI mustÆve woken up in hellàö
ôIs this the best you could do?ö The bartender asked, pointing at the small globe floating in the middle of his bar.
ôIàIÆm trying my bestàö Shinobu mumbled, looking into the globe as well. She herself wasnÆt too impressed with her handy workàthough she found that theory about hell quite impressive. ôWaitàThis wonÆt be very pretty, but I think I can work something outàö
ôNARU!ö Keitaro stood up and shouted, looking around at Naru. ôWhat is 1 plus 1?!ö
ôAhàö NaruÆs head went blankàthe answer was there somewhereàbut she had forgotten it somehow. Oh noàthis was really really badà
ôOh Godàthis is lameàyou call yourself a jigoku shoujo?ö The bartender threw his six hands in the air and caught them again.
ôIÆm stillàtryingà.ö Shinobu said, her eyebrows knotting in concentration.
ôNaru! Since youÆve failed these simple questions, the school will prohibit you from taking the Tokyo U examinations until youÆve cleaned up the entire school!ö The tutor shouted.
ôWHAT?!ö Naru shouted, turning pink with incredulity. If this was a story, someone had had much too much vodka. ôWhatÆs the reasoning there?!ö
ôJUST WORK!ö Keitaro shouted, throwing a bucket and mop at Naru. ôGet moving!ö
ôerrrà.is it just me, or is this a bit too random?ö the bartender asked.
ôI dunnoà.I canÆt think of anythingàö Shinobu sighed.
Naru was suddenly suspended from the top floor over a busy street by nothing more than a thin rope.
ôHURRY UP AND WIPE THOSE WINDOWS!ö the tutorÆs voice shouted from above.
ôWHàWHAT IS THIS?!ö Naru screamed as she dangled to and thro in front of the cram school building.
ôYouÆve failedàTokyo Uàö A voice said from underneath. Naru looked down in horror as a gigantic sheet of paper with the word ærejectionÆ scrawled all over it flew up towards her. ôAndàBrother will be mineà.ö The contours of a gigantic face flew out of the piece of paper, opening its mouth as it reached up for Naru.
ôNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!ö Naru screamed.
ôManà..the finishing wasnÆt badàö The bartender nodded with approval.
ôThank youàö Shinobu sighed. ôButàI thought I had made the knot impossible to untieàsigh, what I have to do for a livingàö
On one side of the bar, Anubis and Hades were now fighting over the right to throw the last packet of peanuts at the plasma screen which was now showing DeathNote.
---------------------------
When Naru finally woke up, she found herself falling, fast yet gentle, in a spin. As her brain hazily tried to work out what happened, reality ran into heràin the form of the ground.
ôWow, SisteràwhatÆs the rush?ö A tall man with a red face asked. He took out a microphone, tapped it to test it, and shouted out. ôHello, everyone! ItÆs another pleasant day here, the weatherÆs dark, hot, and dusty, with temperatures as low as 5.000 degrees. We owe this rather low temperature to the fact that Britney just had another baby despite her colossal investment in birth control. We might be expecting cooler temperatures should Sheffield ever score a goal, though the chances of that are significantly lower. Anyway, IÆm the devil, and as you can see, this is hell. You can call me Toby. We like keeping things informal hereàas well as infernalàö Everyone waiting outside the gates of hell looked at one another. ôIÆm just jokingàö He laughed. ôI tell that one to all the newbies. It never gets old.ö He laughed again.
ôVery wellàas you can see, you are standing in front of the gates of hell.ö He continued, gesturing at the great iron gates, which, obviously, had been constructed by the lowest bidder. ôEvery year, we receive colossal amounts of ævisitorsÆàö He gestured at a gigantic billboard beside the gates that said æWelcome to HellÆ in over 600 different languages, with the population meter down below.
The population meter, as Naru noticed when she got up, was spinning rapidly upwards, so fast that the ones, tens, and hundreds meters were a mere blur.
She slowly looked around at the scene around her. The sky was a rather dark shade of pink, though some of the colours definitely bordered on ultra-violent and infra-deadàhardly fashionable, but you never know these days. There was smoke and billboards everywhere. It was crowded too. If Toby hadnÆt told her this was hell, sheÆd have thought this was downtown Tokyo or New York.
This was hellà
What was she doing here?
On one side, a bespectacled man was asking questions to another devil in charge. ôYes, yes, you did make a lot of contributions to the world in the field of technology and information, but you also gave us Windows 95 and Windows Millenniumàö The devil said, signing something on a clipboard. ôTell you what, go to the judge again and ask if theyÆll wave that fraud you did with the X-Box. I might be able to fit you in somewhere slightly better.ö
Naru swooned slightly.
ôThis has caused us to start using a new and improved sorting system to help speed up your check-in to hell.ö Toby continued, gesturing at the gates, which had a few thousand queues ranging across it. ôItÆs simple. Liars, thieves and looters, if you could please go and form a queue thereà.and murderers and homicidal maniacs, over here if you pleaseà.adulterers and traitors, over thereà..oh, and if the lawyers amongst you could form a line over here. Politicians and bureaucrats, if you could please join the liars, thieves, and looters?!ö He shouted out at the general audience. ôMissàö He said over to Naru. ôIf youÆd be so kind as to join this queue hereàö
ôButàIÆm not a lawyeràö Naru said. ôBesidesàI donÆt even know what IÆm doing hereàö
ôWhatÆs your name?ö Toby asked. Naru noticed that he had a smily face pinned to his suit which bore the universally unhelpful words æCan I help you?Æ.
ôNarusegawa Naru.ö Naru answered, slightly hesitant.
ôOh, you belong in that queue over there.ö Toby gestured at a line at the far end, which was half full.
ôHuh?ö Naru looked over at the queue. ôWhat queue is that?ö
ôThe queue for females who continually harass the living daylights out of their dorm managers, sending them into the upper stratosphere a few times daily, and never remembering to pay their rents on time.ö Toby said, all in one breath. ôOh, and if you were sent down here by the jigoku shoujo, then you have a separate form to fill out.ö He said, before moving off to sort out a couple of boy bands scuffling out at the other end of the gate.
ôWhat theà?ö Naru looked around at the queue.
ôJoin the club, sport.ö One girl said, half sighing, to Naru.
ôButàbutàI swearàI never sent him flying any farther than the lower troposphere.ö Another girl argued at the toll booth at the gate.
ôOh Godà.ö Naru shook her head as she reluctantly joined the queue. ôWhat have I done to deserve this?ö
ôThis queue already has a specific name.ö The girl in front of her said. ôIf you still donÆt know what youÆve done to deserve it thenàwe canÆt help youàö
ôàI always pay my rent on timeàö Naru grumbled. ôWellàalmostà.ok, maybe notàö
To be continuedà.
Another way to read this is: DonÆt expect quality. This is where we dump lunatic crap.
The following is a beta preview of our first ever joint project. It still needs a lot of work in some places and the humour may require a retouch. Heck, it'll need tons more humour than this. So if you've got any ideas, comments, suggestions, etc. please don't hesitate to tell us. Thanks.
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Halfway Across Hell and Turn Left, The ToiletÆs There Somewhere
A Halloween special from our crew, consisting of Apocalypse Alchemist, Beyond the Bounds, Apocalypse Alchemist, Zenithos, Apocalypse Alchemist, Eternity Incarnate, and last, but certainly not least, Apocalypse Alchemist.
Keitaro and Kanako send half the Hinata Sou population to hell by making a deal with the Jigoku Shoujo, Shinobu Maehara, who makes a slight blunder and sends the other half of the Hinata Sou population down as well. Watch as the Hinata gang bring hell to hell.
Dark Knight Gafgar has been extremely generous in letting us amateurs use his idea as part of our fanfic plot. Thanks a lot, Dark Knight Gafgar. We couldnÆt have done it without you.
Zenithos also takes credit for a part of the plot idea, especially everything appertaining to the jigoku shoujo. This fanfic wouldnÆt exist without her either.
Proofread by one another.
Chapter 1: IÆm Not a Lawyerà
The clock on his dresser glowed on the edge of the pool of light cast by the computerÆs blue black glow, showing the time to be 12.06 PM. The screen itself was still casting light, despite the fact that the screen was pure black. In the middle of it was a single text field. Under it was an icon labeled æsubmitÆ. Way under all that, in dark violet letters, almost obscure and invisible against the black background, was minuscule writing in ineligible cursive.
Keitaro Urashima, constantly abused manager of the Hinata Sou, had spent a good half an hour trying to make heads or tails of the text. So far he had deciphered æDisclaimer: Our Agency is not responsible for any decisions made under the effects of alcohol, medication of any kind, insanity, anime and mangas, or anything else that might inhibit reasoning power. Also, if you happen to be already eligible for hell by default, e.g. lawyers, political leaders, fanfic writers, etc. then good for you.Æ
Keitaro had also spent a good portion of that time trying to decide whether or not he should go ahead with this.
For one thingà.the girls were certainly evil to himà.but did they really deserve hell? Then his mind went back to what had happened todayàor rather, the day before.
Hellà.
He hardened his will and typed in 5 names into the field on screen. He started with æNarusegawa NaruÆ (tapping the letter æuÆ never felt so good) then æAoyama Motoko Æ (he tapped the last æoÆ with a vengeful flourish), followed by æKonno MitsuneÆ (another vengeful hammer on the last æeÆ), Kaolla Suu (his finger hung on the æuÆ but, tapped it anyway), and Sarah McDouggal (no regrets here. That ælÆ made a really satisfying ætapÆ).
He sighed and sat back, looking at the 5 names. He wondered about it for a moment. The other side of the deal, was, off course, that he had to surrender his soul to be taken to hell when he died. He shook his head, chuckled to himself a bit, before reaching out to turn off the computer. Quite accidentally, he knocked over a small figurine of Bill Gates that sat atop his computer. It fell.
Hellà.
Just as toast always fell on the buttered site, Bill Gates fell on his head on the æenterÆ button. Keitaro flinched and shrieked.
Meanwhileà.on the other side of the Hinata Souà.
A small compact laptop flashed on of its own accord. A happy sing song voice chirped æyou have mailÆ.
A timid hand reached out for the computer and looked down at the little teddy bear announcing the e-mail. It slowly, with all the skill of a computer illiterate caveman, maneuvered the touch pad towards the announcement and clicked.
The girl gave a little gasp as a blank black screen (which had æHellmailÆ TM written at the top) replaced the strawberry littered desktop. She yelped and gagged herself with a nearby handkerchief as she read the names written on the screen.
Her eyes went twirly as she wobbled about the room, before smashing into a bookcase which sent a shower of story books and dolls down on her.
Then she rolled across the room, emitting her characteristic æawawawawawawawaÆ.
What was an average teenage girl to do in such a situation anyway? She was, after all, your standard issue teenage girlà.wellà.with the exception of one minor thingà
She was a jigoku shoujo, a hell girl, and whichever authority chose her as hellÆs agent clearly needed a demotion and some strong coffee, and possibly electroshock-therapy as well.
She hadnÆt had a job for quite a while, not since 9/11 when half the world had typed in either one of two quite popular names. The only thing that had prevented her from wiping out half the world population for it was the fact that not even hell was equipped to handle such a population surge (not to mention they werenÆt ready to handle the two said popular people). So, due to newly agreed population laws and other bureaucratic things agreed on by the authorities, about 3 million send-to-hell requests were cancelled overnight and people just dismissed her website as pure crap.
It wasnÆt her fault either.
Being a grim reaper who had just got fired for inexcusable blunders (such as the death of Elvis Presley. Seriously, nobody wanted to see him go), she had wanted to start off a freelance death agency so people wouldnÆt have to go through all the trouble of euthanasia. But the authority had other plansà.
And so she joined the ranks of the jigoku shoujos asàwell, technically, the first. The authority told her she was joining, rather than starting, to make sure it seemed like they had authority. Oh well. The pay was good. So were the working conditions, though she had to work the graveyard shift, literally. Then there was all the trouble with her inbox clogging up every night at 12.
Why she was only allowed to have her website open at 12 was anyoneÆs guessàjust another thing the authority thought up to make her life difficult, probablyà
Half the requests were always housewives and mother-in-laws (and, at times, their respective children-in-laws), who would cancel the deal the very next day, after the grandchildren finally arrive.
The other half would usually be readers trying to kill fanfic writers for bashing the wrong charactersàwhich never works cause pen names donÆt count.
At least she got an assistant to take care of such thingsà
At that very moment, the said assistant went æmyuuÆ as it tapped her on her shoulders.
The little girl sniffled, nodded, got up, bumped her head on the table, got up with a bit more care, got dressed, and scrabbled out of the window.
At the same time, another mail arrived.
This one said æBill GatesÆ.
------------------------
ôWAAAAAH!ö Maehara Shinobu wailed as she banged her little fists on the bar top.
ôSoà.youÆve got to go and send all your best friends to hellàwowà.ö The bartender shook what was left of his head, putting the glass of milk in front of her. He was a very understanding bartender, and in his line of work, it was best to have a heart in the right place. He knew that. ThatÆs why he kept his heart in a vault twenty stories underground inside a concrete bunker.
Not that it helped. This was that kind of world after allà
At the other end of the bar, Anubis and Hades were throwing peanuts at a plasma screen TV showing Bleach.
On a table on one side sat the writers of the æUnderground Comedy MovieÆ, talking over their next diabolical plan to destroy the universe.
ôYou knowà.perhaps you should skip the dilemma scene, cause there are readers out there waiting to see the hell part of the storyàö the bartender suggested to Shinobu, serving the three Fates who were tossing their only eye to one another just to see the menu. Shinobu looked up and gave him a dirty look. ôHeyà.the thing is, this whole weeping on a bar counter thing is just too clichÚ. In my opinion, just get it over with. You can make new friends. Besides, you donÆt really have much of a choice, do you?ö The bartender said. ôAlsoàthe readers might start condemning more fanfic writers to hell for thisàö
A fight broke out between the customers and the live band over their sudden choice to sing a particular Back Street Boys song. Since it was this kind of bar, they were now officially no longer a live band. They were, in all definitions, a dead band.
ôIÆd hurry if I were you.ö The bartended said to Shinobu, handing an Okinawan woman a glass of watermelon punch.
ôWhy?ö Shinobu moaned. ôThese are my friends IÆm talking aboutàö
ôWith the bill I mean. Happy hour ends in 5 minutes.ö The bartended whispered. The bar suddenly went dead silent as all the eyes (dead or alive) turned to the bartender.
ôerràa round of drinks on me?ö The bartended hazarded.
---------------------
Keitaro looked at the screen thoughtfully, shrugged, and yawned. There was nothing else to do. HeÆd probably go to hell anyway for all the stuff he had stashed under his bed. He had no regrets.
His phone suddenly rang. He jumped, knowing this must be the phone call from beyond the grave.
ôUmmmàAnouà.oh, IÆm supposed to stay silentà.ö The voice on the other side said.
ôShinobu-chan?ö Keitaro asked.
ôOhànoàIÆm not Shinobuàö The voice on the other side panicked.
ôBut this is your numberàö Keitaro said, puzzled.
ôReally? OhàIÆm sorry sempai, I pressed the wrong button. Goodnight!ö The voice said, before hanging up. Keitaro looked down at the phone, puzzled.
It rang again. This time, the number was unknown. Keitaro picked it up and listened. The one on the other side was silent. Ah, yes, the voice from beyond the graveà
Suddenly, someone knocked on his window. There was a scuffle, a light curse, before someone screamed.
Keitaro rushed over to the window and opened it. There was nobody.
ôDown hereàö A little voice said. Keitaro obediently looked down.
A small cloaked figure was dangling on his window sill. Keitaro immediately reached down, and, with some difficulty, pulled the figure in.
ôErràanouàummmà..mortalà.ummmà.you have requested my servicesà.ö The figure said in a deep, ethereal voice, trying its best to keep its face concealed under the dark hood. ôHere is a straw doll that marks our contractà.ö She took out a small teddy bear with a red ribbon tied around its neck.
ôErràstraw doll?ö Keitaro asked. He gave the teddy bear a careful look-over.
It was made in China.
ôAnouàanouàwe just ran out of straw dollsàbut this doll will do.ö The cloaked figure explained, panicking. ôAnouàjust pull off the red ribbon and the contract will be sealedà.weÆll send the ones agreed on straight to hellà.ummmàthatÆs allàö
Keitaro gave the ribbon an experimental pull. Then he gave it an experimental tug. Then he gave it an all out tug-of-war.
ôErrà.I canÆt pull itàö Keitaro said, pointing at the knot. It was knotted into a jumble of multiple dead knots.
ôAdditional security. We only provide the best.ö The figure explained, before turning around and leaping out of the window. ôIYAAAAAAAN!ö It cried, before a flat thud came back up to KeitaroÆs ears.
Keitaro shrugged, put the teddy bear down on his dresser, turned off his computer, and went to sleep.
Unbeknownst to him, Urashima Kanako was on the other side of the door, and she had listened to every single little word.
That night, the jigoku shoujo went to sleep, comfortable with the knowledge that she had followed the instructions in æKnotty Naughty Knots Not for Normal KnottersÆ to the letter. There was no way in the world her sempai could get through those knots.
A bit later that night, Urashima Kanako too went to sleep, comfortable with the knowledge that she had followed the instructions in æHow to Unknot Knots from Knotty Naughty Knots Not for Normal KnottersÆ to the periods.
------------------------------------
Early the next morningà.
Narusegawa Naru yawned as the tutor read out a physics thermodynamics question. ôIs Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.ö
Most of the students wrote their answers using Boyle's Law as proof (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some other variant.
Naru herself had written something along the lines of Energy conversions. She knew sheÆd be right anyway.
One student, however, wrote the following:
ôFirst, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Narusegawa Naru during my first day, ôThat it will be a cold night in Hell the night I sleep with you,ö and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.ö
The answer was definitely a straight A retarded answer for a straight A retarded question, which meant the boy who answered it got all the marks.
It was Urashima Keitaro, whose answer was read out to the entire class.
Everyone laughed.
ôNarusegawa Naru has never been wrong, therefore, following her postulate, Urashima KeitaroÆs answer must be correctà.but as today she has gotten her answer completely wrong, then we have a very interesting logical paradox, classàö The tutor said, eyeing Naru.
ôWhat is this retard talking about?ö Naru sighed. ôI mustÆve woken up in hellàö
ôIs this the best you could do?ö The bartender asked, pointing at the small globe floating in the middle of his bar.
ôIàIÆm trying my bestàö Shinobu mumbled, looking into the globe as well. She herself wasnÆt too impressed with her handy workàthough she found that theory about hell quite impressive. ôWaitàThis wonÆt be very pretty, but I think I can work something outàö
ôNARU!ö Keitaro stood up and shouted, looking around at Naru. ôWhat is 1 plus 1?!ö
ôAhàö NaruÆs head went blankàthe answer was there somewhereàbut she had forgotten it somehow. Oh noàthis was really really badà
ôOh Godàthis is lameàyou call yourself a jigoku shoujo?ö The bartender threw his six hands in the air and caught them again.
ôIÆm stillàtryingà.ö Shinobu said, her eyebrows knotting in concentration.
ôNaru! Since youÆve failed these simple questions, the school will prohibit you from taking the Tokyo U examinations until youÆve cleaned up the entire school!ö The tutor shouted.
ôWHAT?!ö Naru shouted, turning pink with incredulity. If this was a story, someone had had much too much vodka. ôWhatÆs the reasoning there?!ö
ôJUST WORK!ö Keitaro shouted, throwing a bucket and mop at Naru. ôGet moving!ö
ôerrrà.is it just me, or is this a bit too random?ö the bartender asked.
ôI dunnoà.I canÆt think of anythingàö Shinobu sighed.
Naru was suddenly suspended from the top floor over a busy street by nothing more than a thin rope.
ôHURRY UP AND WIPE THOSE WINDOWS!ö the tutorÆs voice shouted from above.
ôWHàWHAT IS THIS?!ö Naru screamed as she dangled to and thro in front of the cram school building.
ôYouÆve failedàTokyo Uàö A voice said from underneath. Naru looked down in horror as a gigantic sheet of paper with the word ærejectionÆ scrawled all over it flew up towards her. ôAndàBrother will be mineà.ö The contours of a gigantic face flew out of the piece of paper, opening its mouth as it reached up for Naru.
ôNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!ö Naru screamed.
ôManà..the finishing wasnÆt badàö The bartender nodded with approval.
ôThank youàö Shinobu sighed. ôButàI thought I had made the knot impossible to untieàsigh, what I have to do for a livingàö
On one side of the bar, Anubis and Hades were now fighting over the right to throw the last packet of peanuts at the plasma screen which was now showing DeathNote.
---------------------------
When Naru finally woke up, she found herself falling, fast yet gentle, in a spin. As her brain hazily tried to work out what happened, reality ran into heràin the form of the ground.
ôWow, SisteràwhatÆs the rush?ö A tall man with a red face asked. He took out a microphone, tapped it to test it, and shouted out. ôHello, everyone! ItÆs another pleasant day here, the weatherÆs dark, hot, and dusty, with temperatures as low as 5.000 degrees. We owe this rather low temperature to the fact that Britney just had another baby despite her colossal investment in birth control. We might be expecting cooler temperatures should Sheffield ever score a goal, though the chances of that are significantly lower. Anyway, IÆm the devil, and as you can see, this is hell. You can call me Toby. We like keeping things informal hereàas well as infernalàö Everyone waiting outside the gates of hell looked at one another. ôIÆm just jokingàö He laughed. ôI tell that one to all the newbies. It never gets old.ö He laughed again.
ôVery wellàas you can see, you are standing in front of the gates of hell.ö He continued, gesturing at the great iron gates, which, obviously, had been constructed by the lowest bidder. ôEvery year, we receive colossal amounts of ævisitorsÆàö He gestured at a gigantic billboard beside the gates that said æWelcome to HellÆ in over 600 different languages, with the population meter down below.
The population meter, as Naru noticed when she got up, was spinning rapidly upwards, so fast that the ones, tens, and hundreds meters were a mere blur.
She slowly looked around at the scene around her. The sky was a rather dark shade of pink, though some of the colours definitely bordered on ultra-violent and infra-deadàhardly fashionable, but you never know these days. There was smoke and billboards everywhere. It was crowded too. If Toby hadnÆt told her this was hell, sheÆd have thought this was downtown Tokyo or New York.
This was hellà
What was she doing here?
On one side, a bespectacled man was asking questions to another devil in charge. ôYes, yes, you did make a lot of contributions to the world in the field of technology and information, but you also gave us Windows 95 and Windows Millenniumàö The devil said, signing something on a clipboard. ôTell you what, go to the judge again and ask if theyÆll wave that fraud you did with the X-Box. I might be able to fit you in somewhere slightly better.ö
Naru swooned slightly.
ôThis has caused us to start using a new and improved sorting system to help speed up your check-in to hell.ö Toby continued, gesturing at the gates, which had a few thousand queues ranging across it. ôItÆs simple. Liars, thieves and looters, if you could please go and form a queue thereà.and murderers and homicidal maniacs, over here if you pleaseà.adulterers and traitors, over thereà..oh, and if the lawyers amongst you could form a line over here. Politicians and bureaucrats, if you could please join the liars, thieves, and looters?!ö He shouted out at the general audience. ôMissàö He said over to Naru. ôIf youÆd be so kind as to join this queue hereàö
ôButàIÆm not a lawyeràö Naru said. ôBesidesàI donÆt even know what IÆm doing hereàö
ôWhatÆs your name?ö Toby asked. Naru noticed that he had a smily face pinned to his suit which bore the universally unhelpful words æCan I help you?Æ.
ôNarusegawa Naru.ö Naru answered, slightly hesitant.
ôOh, you belong in that queue over there.ö Toby gestured at a line at the far end, which was half full.
ôHuh?ö Naru looked over at the queue. ôWhat queue is that?ö
ôThe queue for females who continually harass the living daylights out of their dorm managers, sending them into the upper stratosphere a few times daily, and never remembering to pay their rents on time.ö Toby said, all in one breath. ôOh, and if you were sent down here by the jigoku shoujo, then you have a separate form to fill out.ö He said, before moving off to sort out a couple of boy bands scuffling out at the other end of the gate.
ôWhat theà?ö Naru looked around at the queue.
ôJoin the club, sport.ö One girl said, half sighing, to Naru.
ôButàbutàI swearàI never sent him flying any farther than the lower troposphere.ö Another girl argued at the toll booth at the gate.
ôOh Godà.ö Naru shook her head as she reluctantly joined the queue. ôWhat have I done to deserve this?ö
ôThis queue already has a specific name.ö The girl in front of her said. ôIf you still donÆt know what youÆve done to deserve it thenàwe canÆt help youàö
ôàI always pay my rent on timeàö Naru grumbled. ôWellàalmostà.ok, maybe notàö
To be continuedà.
