How To Write Terrible Fanfic

[Gullwhacker]

At Anime North, in 2008, I had the fortune to take in a fun panel titled 'Fic Fic Boom!', a lesson/discussion on how to write terrible fanfic. Taking the opposite approach to most fanfiction panels, it went at length about how to inflate your review count, hold chapters hostage, and generally pander to the fanbase.

Unfortunately, subsequent years the scheduling proved problematic, and I haven't been since. This year, however, I'm taking up the torch - at Animaritime, I'm putting on a similar panel, 'Pandering To The Pit Of Voles'. I plan to 'educate' everyone who attends on how to write the worst of the worst. Dramatic cloaks may be worn.

What I am looking for, TFF, is input from you on what topics I should bring up. I'm working on an outline now, but I'm sure I've forgotten many key points. Or not-so-key points. The point is, this is a chance to snark about the worst of fanfiction and I want advice from the experts on such snark.


Some of the talking points I'm considering:
Demanding a certain review count before continuing the story.
Selecting your username: Is DracoxSephiroth739 too cliche? (No.)
Bashing characters you don't like.
High School AUs: How to throw away all that boring plot in favor of relationship drama with the characters-in-name-only.
Beta Readers: Replacable by spellcheck, or just unnecessary?

And so forth. What say you, TFF?

 

[FinalMax]

Don't forget the "Polling your story" discussion, where the pandering readers help write the story by determining who screws who eventually or other "plot" points. This can also tie into a discussion on "Polling your profile," where these guys will poll for either story ideas to be worked on or more pairing "goodness." The really "good" ones will also use it to hawk their inevitably "awesome" e-novels.

There should also be the "superpowers and you" discussion, where you profess the merits of giving the main character more superpowers in settings they don't belong in. Make sure to have the addendum that they just don't work in crossovers/fusions with settings those powers belong to.

There's also the "unneeded subtlety of lemons" discussion. Make sure to profess that all female characters in all fanfiction will invariably enjoy any form of sex that a male protagonist will inflict, even if she wasn't interested in the first place.

Finally, there's the ever popular "How to make awesome OC's" conversation. For a male OC, he has to be extra manly to ensure that the writer is seen as a man's man without being suspect. And all female OC's must invariably be "hawt" and have an interest in the male protagonist, unless you're writing lesbians. Then you just get to the "hawt" girl-on-girl action.

You can tell I enjoyed making this post.

 

[Chi Vayne]

...

There should also be the "superpowers and you" discussion, where you profess the merits of giving the main character more superpowers in settings they don't belong in.? Make sure to have the addendum that they just don't work in crossovers/fusions with settings those powers belong to.

...

And not just superpowers. Don't forget other talents your main character should gain. If the main character normally has magic, add mad martial arts skills to his repertoire. Or being able to speak over thirty different languages. And extremely wealthy from inheritance or their own inventions. Not to mention being a brilliant musician. They have to be so they can form their own band (especially true in high school AUs).

There is also the popular 'remove the main point of the storyline' option. "Here's my Harry Potter story. No Voldemort, horcruxes, or magic" "My BtVS story except everyone is human."

 

[Llamakid]

Don't forget the "all characters like what I like" part. Like magical girls liking death metal, or wizards being "goffick".

 

[PCHeintz72]

Don't forget the "all characters like what I like" part. Magical girls liking death metal? Absolutely perfect.

And the related... "all characters know what author knows" part.

Unless it is a SI or crossover where the crossover character has read or seen the series, they should not have advance knowledge of events. Or have knowledge of stuff the author has without a explanation.

Ex. Usagi being a expert at mortal weapons duch as having military knowledge of weaponry.

If you want to make it so... write it into the story as a believable explanation.

 

[goldenarms]

All women want to bone you, age does not matter, and no matter how old or experienced they are, they will invariably blush like schoolgirls when you do something can be even minutely construed as romantic.

"He was picking his nose and touched my hand! Oh, god, I'm so in love with him! Should I kiss him? Or let him kiss me with those perfect pinkish lips and that chiseled chest?"

No matter your main character's age, he always has perfectly chiseled abs (well, okay, if your character is <a href='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWjEwWmV01Q' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Kratos</a>, that's possible...). If he's under the age of fourteen, he'll always be 6'+ and ripped like Jay Cutler.

The main character will be a supremely skilled and powerful badass, but he'll hide for many years until he can show off to people that otherwise wouldn't have anything to do with him.

If there is a crossover, your main will have other people's harems flocking at his feet and summarily ignore the previous harem master.

All good stories have harems so as to spread the love around to every boneable chick, no matter how evil she was until you hit her with the long ball.

Purple prose is essential.

So is being Captain Obvious and making super MCs from a very young age and the canon continues on uninterrupted. Sweet!

 

[Gullwhacker]

How could I forget Harry Potter starting first year - at 11 years of age - already with several black belts and miscellaneous secret military training? Because naturally, all eleven year olds have that.

Thanks for the suggestions so far, this is great.

 

[PCHeintz72]

How could I forget Harry Potter starting first year - at 11 years of age - already with several black belts and miscellaneous secret military training? Because naturally, all eleven year olds have that.

Thanks for the suggestions so far, this is great.

Another one, in relation to one of the first ones dealing with making stories using characters in name only.

Why do authors *have* to write high school scenes with characters that have no reasonable explanation given for ever being in a normal high school, much less a student...

ex. Inu-Yasha stories are infamous for it... Sessomeru and Inu Yasha from the 1500's rewritten as lets say a cool high school students in modern times that have rival in form of each other (idea of them as brothers often dropped for the drama) and both are 'crushing' over the hot popular student Kagome... with Kikyo as her sempai... or variations of such.... Bleagh...

I know I've seen a Trigun somewhere along these lines, Slayers as well... I think I once saw a Hellsing in passing like this... etc....

 

[PCHeintz72]

Another one...


While I am not against a locked or switched individual in fan fiction, and like a few such stories. Most IMHO fail due to quite a large variance of reasons. Lack of or inadequate explanation and build up in plot/dialog/back story. Lack of believability in fight or acceptance of such a situation by the affected character. Lack of believability in manners and attitude of characters around the changed one (if you change a characters gender or lock it or have them cross dress, you better believe who they interact with is changed as well). Speed of the plot, or any lack of build up at all.

Using most existing characters, suddenly changing their gender should have heavy resistance and slow if any acceptance, double if they were specifically brought up to hate/dislike/have bad views of that opposite gender.

Ranma is IMO one such character, thus why it is so hard for most stories to work.

Most authors want to jump to 'the fun part'. They want to tell their story of their changes, not how the changes came to be. Show a guy doing 'girly' things, etc... Or on the other hand, if it is a girl going to a guy curse, then they must immediately be doing 'butch' or 'guy' things.

Also, what many of these authors fail to realize, is they are in fact not making their guy act like a girl, or girl like a guy at all. They become caricatures or exaggerations or sexist warped views of the opposite character. No girl acts like these authors state, or guy like these authors state. Not all girls live for clothes shopping, makeup, nails, cry scenes, and group bathroom breaks, not all guys live for fighting, eating, or being obnoxious and sexist to girls.

 

[PCHeintz72]

Another one...

Stories where the author goes to the trouble to break a couple up, perhaps even as far as to get the readers to hate that character, yet still have them together in the end.

 

[PCHeintz72]

Another one...

Overuse or spreading of fannon cliches....

Example, misrepresenting how the time gates work in Sailor Moon fan fiction and in Sailor Moon fan fiction cross over stories...

In *many* cases, it is portraid as some form of controllable guardian of forever, where it is used like a television to view events past present and future, and you simply jump through to get to time want.

That is not remotely how it actually is in the canon material, neither in looks or function.

 

[Deleted member 5249]

Another one...

Stories where the author goes to the trouble to break a couple up, perhaps even as far as to get the readers to hate that character, yet still have them together in the end.

I've mostly seen the opposite.

The Writer tries desperately hard to make the character's original love interest OOC and unlikable so it's okay for the Character to get a new girlfriend.

 

[goldenarms]

Another one...

Stories where the author goes to the trouble to break a couple up, perhaps even as far as to get the readers to hate that character, yet still have them together in the end.

I've seen the opposite.

The Writer tries desperately hard to make the character's original love interest OOC and unlikable so it's okay for the Character to get a new girlfriend.

Ranma's really good for that, since it's not that much of a stretch to make all of his fiancees/pursuers unlikeable. Of course, usually you have to break him first since he's a thickhead himself.

 

[Anonguy]

How to write Terrible Fanfic:

Step 1: Write a fanfic.

/thread

 

[Lord Raa]

Don't forget to add "ClichÚd title".

You know things with the "½" suffix, or things that include a song title or lyrics.

 

[Seed00]

I'd put writing fanfiction at all, but some people started their careers and wrote books by writing fanfiction in the first place.

 

[FinalMax]

I'd put writing fanfiction at all, but some people started their careers and wrote books by writing fanfiction in the first place.

That should be for a separate panel for original fiction. "How to write bad fiction."

Step 1: Make a fanfic of something you are rabid about. And I mean frothing at the mouth rabid.

Step 2: Learn nothing but how to string cliche ideas together into a clusterfuck. Ass-kissing reviewers are a boon in that regard.

Step 3: Create a favorite OC for a fanfic that you will later transport into your "original fiction." Making them an author avatar or some kind of gender-flipped version of your self image is important.

Step 4: Write your bad original fiction. Remember that currently vampires and mythological figures are in.

Step 5: Find a gullible publisher to print your shit under the "Teen/Youth Fiction" category. Consult one S. Mayer for details, though there are others to look into.

Step 6: *sigh* Profit. Sadly, we live in a world where poor literacy and even worse storytelling actually sell. Your piece of shit story will likely be marketable, and you will suddenly find yourself with a movie deal.

 

[PCHeintz72]

Step 6: *sigh* Profit. Sadly, we live in a world where poor literacy and even worse storytelling actually sell. Your piece of shit story will likely be marketable, and you will suddenly find yourself with a movie deal.

To paraphrase a now old movie...

If you write it, they will come.

 

[Gullwhacker]

Thanks for all the input. I've got about one more day to plan, so now it's just putting everything in order. I'd nearly forgotten ship-bashing and that whole side, so the help's appreciated. Alas, in my folly, I told the con organizers that this wouldn't be 18+, so I'll have to go light on the lemon advice.

Any last thoughts? I plan to post in here when I return to go over how things went.

 

[Archanon]

Remember to bash any characters who you don't like! It'll add humor to your story and convince everyone to hate them too.

 

[Lord Raa]

Thanks for all the input. I've got about one more day to plan, so now it's just putting everything in order. I'd nearly forgotten ship-bashing and that whole side, so the help's appreciated. Alas, in my folly, I told the con organizers that this wouldn't be 18+, so I'll have to go light on the lemon advice.

Any last thoughts? I plan to post in here when I return to go over how things went.

Can you still use "strong language" during your panel?

Because having characters swear who normally don't, is something a bad fanfic writer would do.

 

[foesjoe]

You forgot the most important thing:

Everybody is suddenly gay.

That casanova who bangs a seven different chicks during the week? He suddenly discovers he lusts after the weird nerd's man sausage.

The awkward girl who has a huge crush on a guy in her class and who doodles her name + his name in a heart or writes sappy loves poems suddenly can't wait to slurp out her lab partner's bearded clam.

And do this for every character. If you turn only one or two canonically heterosexual characters gay you're not trying hard enough!

 

[Gullwhacker]

Well. That was a rousing success.

I'll have to run it again next year. We plan to try writing something and putting it up on ff.net to see what happens.

Also, someone brought up a point that everyone missed. Everything needs more small and large x's. xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Great fun.