Infinite Stratos Sacred Twins - Dev Thread

[ZeroXSEED]

This is a thread for ongoing fic of an obscure franchise called "Infinite Stratos" (for a value of Obscure, it's well known but easily forgettable harem comedy/ mecha action)

For those that knew the novel, you could skip the first three chapter, it's largely a plagiarized version, but just in case you want to or confused anyway, read it.

Chapter 1

The plot so far is similar, but the characters and the backstory are heavily altered to accommodate the slow alteration therein.

Don't expect too much pointless harem slapstick gag and status quo, because for the most part this is (serious) romance, friendship, and family drama interspersed inside mecha battle story and slice of life.

This is not the best fic, having bad premise and even worse quality, but I am proud of this and is willing to make difference considering how I dislike the stagnancy of source material.

I plan to continue development here specifically hoping for more input, and most importantly, additional Beta to improve my work quality, assuming anyone interested.

Note: OC submission is prohibited.

- Sincerely, ZeroXSEED

P.S. as you may notice my English is atrocious.:blush:

 

[Avider]

...Y'know what Zero, I'll give it a look a bit later.

Hopefully you have stuff happening in the story, because if it's 100k words of slice of life or antics, I will be disappoint.

 

[ZeroXSEED]

I can safely say only the first three chapter are boring

otherwise, ROW ROW FIGHT DA POWAH! and ANGST

 

[Avider]

Wait...I think I remember this story. I don't think I got past the first three chapters...I don't think I got past the first chapter...

 

[ZeroXSEED]

Hahaha :blush:

Like I said, bad premise, worse quality.

It's improving, the problem is that it's not improving fast enough before typical reader left. Hell, the last hiatus is like, 9 months? Most reader will just disappear by then.

And that was the reason I post it here, I knew the reception probably less than stellar, but a small hope is a hope nonetheless.

It's okay if you're not interested.

 

[Avider]

Well, I said I'd do it, so:

[The short and petite assistant homeroom introduced herself, sigh, even though she's short and thus petite –why I'm repeating it?- her incredibly-sizable assets are distracting.]

why am I

[Well…the vice-homeroom teacher don't look like she's in her twenties]

doesn't

[The Clothes are irrelevant, it's adult clothes…wait, it does look striking too.]

clothes

[Your own embarrassment makes tense atmosphere.]

Wha?

[at least in the front of students.]

at least in front of the students.

[I bet because he's the only male here.]

I bet it's because

[Everyone enjoy the first day of the school]

Everyone enjoys

[by looking intensively at the teacher]

intensely

[this childhood friend of him]

of his

[his gaze turned at me]

to me

[I gave him a cool smile and reassuring look]

and a reassuring

["Stop complaining, you're the one being enthusiastic abut this darned exam"]

...I can't tell if this was intentional or not. Abut and darned. That might be an accent thing...

[My Twin sister complained to me! What an useless brother I am.]

twin, what a useless

["You're just trying to run from Chifuyu-nee, don't you?"]

aren't you

I GIVE UP!

It's not even a quarter of the way through! I can't take it anymore. No more grammatical stuff for me, I'll just...read the overall thing.

Ok, scratch that, I'll skip to chapter 4.

*SNAP* my blood pressure increased by at least 30 mmHg when she said that.

Oh wow, I lol-ed at this part.





Anyways, general impression is, this is a comedy [I am horrible at comedy], and there's nothing I can do for you.

Partially it's the setting [IF has no plot lololol], your plot [Chapter 7 still no plot], which is really a reflection of the setting [IF has no plot lololol].

Stylistically, the present tense POV narration is really good, captures the characters really well. Best part of the story really.

Grammatically, you omit prepositions and articles left and right, your expressions are sometimes off [malapropism takes the field!], and there's really nothing I can do for you here except probably tell you to really go over your sentences...and also read more books [actual books, with actual editors, and actual grammar], so you can start to get familiar with where you're going wrong.

Anyways, I'm going to stop at Chapter 7, because like I said nothing's happening and I gave you plenty of words to make me want to stay. I just feel like you're going to start introducing the characters and quite frankly I've read too many re-introduction to care about that.

So yeah. You've got a great style, your grammar sucks [but you knew this!], and you need a better plot.

That's it.

 

[EagleCeres]

Soo... I'm giving this story a try, and yes I do feel the need to repeat Avider's comments about grammar.
I understand that same problem as English is also my second language.

Although the real question that pops up from the start
Is Ichika's twin supposed to be

Spoiler

Madoka (M) from book 7/8?
I do understand why you used the (photoshopped) Image of Chifuyu, I can't recall if Madoka makes her a smaller carbon copy/clone of the elder Orimura sister.

(Spoilered because not everyone has read the Light Novels).

I do find it cute how protective she is of him. Although, at moments it seems like she has an onii-chan complex

 

[ZeroXSEED]

Soo... I'm giving this story a try, and yes I do feel the need to repeat Avider's comments about grammar.
I understand that same problem as English is also my second language.

Although the real question that pops up from the start
Is Ichika's twin supposed to be

Spoiler

Madoka (M) from book 7/8?
I do understand why you used the (photoshopped) Image of Chifuyu, I can't recall if Madoka makes her a smaller carbon copy/clone of the elder Orimura sister.

(Spoilered because not everyone has read the Light Novels).

I do find it cute how protective she is of him. Although, at moments it seems like she has an onii-chan complex

It's intended to be humorous (near pointless) twincest story from the start, so yeah. The plot, or anything resembles that, creep up later and veeery slow.

It's flat out stated (Canon and Fanon) that Madoka is practically Chifuyu at the age of 15

Spoiler

In canon however, Madoka is psycho elite mook, and really hate being compared to Chifuyu (or Ichika). She first appear at the end of Volume 5 to be exact

@ Avider
Ah, sorry if not much happen. If you think the plot is slow as hell, it's made that way because the past-paced version is utterly horrible.

And I assure you, besides from backstory upon backstory, nothing really major happen six chapter later, it's wise decision to abandon it if you didn't like the way it is told.