Naruto Intervention
- Thread starter Andrew Joshua Talon
- Start date
- - - - - - -
At Sakura’s home, the “Save Naruto Seduction Team†was commiserating over their failure. Sakura sat on her bed with her legs crossed, scribbling down some notes, while Ino sat on Sakura’s desk with a grimace. Hinata contented herself by hugging almost all of the stuffed animals to while sitting on the floor.
“Clearly we need to better plan our seduction and certain members of our team, who I will not mention, need to stop being fucking prudes,†Ino broke the silence. Sakura nodded and looked over at Hinata.
“Yes... Hinata.â€
“I was talking about you!†Ino said in exasperation. Hinata nodded, her Byakugan flaring slightly.
“Yes.â€
“What? How is this my fault?†Sakura demanded. “I couldn’t have known that Anko would have intervened! The boys were supposed to keep her distracted!â€
“Yes, but you took so long that we never even got around to seducing Naruto,†Ino pointed out, brushing off some leaves that had become stuck to her frilly dress.
“Well he wasn’t cooperating!†Sakura said. “What, did you just want to force yourselves on him?â€
“M-Maybe he wouldn’t have minded?†Hinata suggested. At Sakura’s strange look, Hinata squeaked and held a bunny rabbit up in front of her face.
I like the way she thinks, Inner Sakura contributed.
Gee, what a surprise, Sakura thought back.
“Well we are a seduction team!†Ino growled. “Maybe we should have tried, ya know, seducing him!â€
“And then been caught by Anko in the middle of... Of that? I don’t think so,†Sakura said with a shudder. “Just imagine what she’d have done to us then!†She then glared and punched herself in the head. Ino blinked.
“Uh, Sakura-?â€
“I’m fine,†the pink haired girl growled. Ino slowly nodded.
“Right, right...â€
“Sakura is right,†Hinata said firmly, squeezing her stuffed bunny around the neck. “Anko-sensei is the one who interrupted us. Who interfered with our saving Naruto-kun.†Her eyes narrowed and the bunny squeaked as Hinata’s hands threatened to crush the poor toy. “We must take her down.â€
Ino rose and walked over to Hinata’s side. She knelt down and carefully extracted the bunny toy from the Hyuuga princess’s hands.
“Now now Hinata... Let’s stay focused. We’re no match for Anko, she’d kill us,†Ino consoled Hinata. The Hyuuga girl looked Ino in the eyes. The blonde smiled at her and rested her hands on Hinata’s shoulders. “What we need to do is save Naruto, that’s thing one!â€
Hinata smiled back warmly at Ino. “You’re right Ino... I almost lost sight of our true goal...†She sniffled and clasped hands with Ino. “You’re like the sister I never had! Thank you!â€
“Don’t worry Hinata, I’m here!†Ino said with a bright smile, “and together darling, we’ll save Naruto and have him back for our own!â€
“Oh Ino!†Hinata cried with a happy laugh. The two girls hugged, giggling. Sakura promptly facepalmed.
“Seriously... Why are you so gung ho about..†As Sakura raised her eyes, she saw that Hinata had pulled out Naruto’s torn boxers. The pale girl held the clothing up to her nose, breathed deeply, and sighed with a blissful smile. “HEY!†She grabbed the boxers and yanked them out of Hinata’s grasp. “Don’t do that! It’s weird!â€
“Yes Hinata, it is a bit weird,†Ino said. Hinata glared.
“What about Naruto-kun’s shirt you’ve got stuffed in your dress?†She accused. Ino blushed brightly and cleared her throat. She looked to the side with a haughty expression.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about-â€
“Ino, I can see it,†Sakura said flatly, stooping down to yank the shirt out from Ino’s dress. The blonde whined.
“Oh come on!â€
“You two do realize you’re getting like this over Naruto, right?†Sakura asked flatly.
“Is this any weirder than what you get up to over Sasuke and Itachi?†Ino replied, as Hinata nodded her head. Sakura turned bright red.
“Th-That’s for professional purposes only!†Sakura growled. “That they’re hot just means I have a bonus! Now let’s focus! We need to come up with an improved plan.â€
“Well, you are the brains of the outfit... Supposedly,†Ino said wryly. “What’s your plan?â€
The two girls looked expectantly at Sakura. The pink haired girl coughed, and rubbed the back of her head.
“Well... It’s simple! We just need to get to Naruto when he’s out of Anko’s clutches!†Sakura said with a smile. “In hindsight, just assaulting Anko’s home was kind of impulsive of me...â€
“In fairness, Lee insisted on saving Gai-sensei,†Ino said. “So don’t feel too bad about it.â€
“Live and learn,†Hinata said. “I know all the secret ways into Naruto’s apartment complex, and I can track him easily...†At Sakura’s look she pouted. “D-Don’t judge me!â€
“Fine,†Sakura said with a sigh. “Let’s rest and regroup and try again tomorrow. And if this fails, I can put together some contingency plans.â€
“Like what?†Ino asked.
“Well, we could always put together a C-Rank mission to get Naruto out of Konoha for a while,†Sakura said with a grin and a wink.
“Right, because that never turns out badly,†Ino said dryly.
- - - - - -
Later that night, Naruto got to his bed and snuggled down into his covers. He drifted off to sleep... And in his dreams he found himself in a familiar sewer, before an equally familiar giant gate with an unfortunately familiar giant fox monster glaring at him.
"What the-?" Naruto tried, but the Kyuubi interrupted him with a low rumble.
"BRAT... YOU DISAPPOINT ME."
Well that wasn't exactly hard to do, being that Naruto was a human and Kyuubi was a horrible, evil chakra-based demon. Naruto even said as much.
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I REFER TO," the Kyuubi stated.
"Huh?" Naruto eloquently expressed in confusion. Kyuubi snorted, his breath curling up to the ceiling like smoke.
"THREE! THREE FINE VIXENS AND YOU DIDN'T TAKE A ONE OF THEM! What is WRONG with you?!"
"Eh?!" Naruto cried in disbelief. "Wha-YOU WERE SPYING ON ME?!"
"I see what you see, brat. It's boring in here," Kyuubi said flatly. "I have no other sources of entertainment aside from your memories!"
Well, that was intensely disturbing but Naruto decided to focus on one problem at a time.
"Well-Well-What do you mean, what's wrong with me?! It wouldn't be right to bang them!" Naruto paused, his cheeks turning red. "I mean... All at the same time... Together... Uhhh..." He was red as a tomato, but he managed to shake his head clear of the pleasant thoughts. "But it'd still be wrong...!"
"See? It's crap like this that makes me worry about you, brat," Kyuubi stated in a tone of voice that nearly qualified as concerned. Naruto decided, as with so many other things, to not think too hard about that. "So in my infinite wisdom, I shall give you useful advice on your predicament. Starting with the simplest solution: Bang them!"
"But-But I can't bang them! I mean... Um... I like Sakura but the other two... I-I don't like them like that!" Naruto emphasized.
The Kyuubi laughed.
"Oh? You were paying attention to those two reeeeeeal close. You know... the ones who wanted your clothes off. The ones you actually LIKE the attention of!"
"LIAR! I like Sakura just fine! She's freaking crazy! That's attractive!" Naruto said, shaking his fist. The Kyuubi was silent for a time, then...
"... are you listening to yourself?"
Naruto scowled and rallied to defend himself.
"Well, I'm just a bit overwhelmed! Three girls wanting me to bang them all at once...? How am I supposed to react?! Literally nothing like that has ever happened to me! Ever!" He shook his head. "What would you have done, huh?!"
"Make shadow clones and make sure they don't outnumber me!" The Kyuubi immediately stated.
"THAT'S NOT HELPING! Don't you have any useful advice?!" Naruto shouted back.
"Cuddles. They always respond well to that afterwards."
"After-DAMNIT!" Naruto cursed. He shook his fist at his tenant. "Do you have anything that doesn't involve me banging them?"
Once again the Kyuubi was silent and staring in disbelief at Naruto.
"... Seriously, you're saying words, and I can understand them by themselves, but that combination makes no sense..."
"ARGH!" Naruto shouted, fed up. "Asshole!"
"Just suck it up, brat. At least give me a thrill," the Kyuubi said, almost pleading.
"... You can see what I see," and Naruto's eyes widened in realization. "THAT's why you want me to bang them. Y-y-you PERV!"
"Oi! I have sired many a kit in my time!" The Kyuubi growled. "And while sealed inside humans I've been privileged to see all the finest perversions of your kind! And now I'm trapped inside the most hard headed virgin idiot ever! Think of how much I'm suffering!"
"You're not going to turn my first time into some tawdry sex show for yourself!" Naruto shouted with a snarl.
"It is perfectly natural to want to procreate! In fact..." And here the Kyuubi's voice took on the tone of one sharing secrets, "Jiraiya got so powerful because of how many females he banged! As did... Your father!"
"... Wait, what?!" Naruto asked in disbelief.
"Oh yes... They didn't tell you about your father, did they?" Kyuubi taunted. Some gears turned in Naruto's head, and unlike when he was in the real world they came to a proper and obvious conclusion. As obvious as the Yondaime's face on the Hokage monument.
"They told me enough! They told me... YOU killed him!" Naruto accused the Kyuubi. The Kyuubi chuckled darkly.
"No... I am your father!"
Naruto stared in shock for the longest time... Before his face broke from sheer incredulity.
"... nope. Not buying it," he said.
"Oh come on!" Kyuubi raged. "I haven't been able to use that joke in thousands of years and you totally blow it!"
"Seriously. No freaking way."
"Fine, fine! I'm not your father," the Kyuubi pronounced. The massive fox shrunk down, and walked out of the shadows. Now in the form of a beautiful, scantily clad (and very well endowed) kitsune woman, she smirked at him.
"I'm your MOTHER!"
Naruto responded to that by burying his face in his palms. When he lowered his hands, the Kyuubi had returned to its far less disturbing form of a giant hellbeast.
"All right all right... But I was sealed in your mother before I was sealed in you. And your grandma. And your great grandma... And so on and so forth. Hoo boy, the things that woman would get up to!" The Kyuubi actually chortled and Naruto swore kittens were probably dying somewhere in Konoha right now.
"... wait, you were sealed in all women in my family?" He asked.
"Yep. Well a guy or two. They didn't amount to much. Your sexy jutsu has a bit of my influence involved."
Naruto facepalmed again. "I think we're done here..."
"Now look brat: I shall make a deal with you. Listening?" The Kyuubi stated. Naruto weighed his options, sighed, and nodded.
"Yes," he said in resignation.
"You will put the counter kunoichi lessons the sexy older female who smells of snakes gave to good use. And you will mate with at least one of those females..." And here the Kyuubi grinned. "Or else."
"Or else what?" Naruto asked in challenge.
"Or else I will tell you, in detail, what your parents got up to the night they conceived your hairless ass. And fill your dreams with them."
Naruto's jaw dropped and his tanned skin turned the color of paper. He'd never known his parents, and true, he did want to know who they were but to know them like that...
I'm finding Jiraiya first thing in the morning to deal with this! He thought urgently. Out loud to the Kyuubi, he said:
"They'll be banged so hard their moms will feel it!" He said with his customary bravado.
"Good on you, brat!" The Kyuubi shouted. "Now get out!"
"Get out?! THIS IS MY BODY!" Naruto shouted back angrily.
"And the accommodations are abysmal..." The Kyuubi growled.
"Well what do you expect me to do about it?!" Naruto demanded.
"This is your mind, is it not? Use it for something useful!" Kyuubi demanded. "Put me in a place of comfort!"
"Place of comfort, huh?" Naruto said, rubbing his chin. "Hmmm..." He brightened. "How's this?"
The Kyuubi found himself on a bridge in Konoha. The sun shone down upon him as Sasuke leaned against the bridge railing with a pout on his face, Sakura talked on about nothing, Kakashi read his perverted book, Hinata stuttered and smiled at him, and the rest of the people Naruto had befriended were clustered around comfortable, happy, and smiling...
And the Kyuubi shuddered.
"Back to the sewer, please."
"God, fine!" Naruto shouted angrily.
- - - - - -
At Sakura’s home, the “Save Naruto Seduction Team†was commiserating over their failure. Sakura sat on her bed with her legs crossed, scribbling down some notes, while Ino sat on Sakura’s desk with a grimace. Hinata contented herself by hugging almost all of the stuffed animals to while sitting on the floor.
“Clearly we need to better plan our seduction and certain members of our team, who I will not mention, need to stop being fucking prudes,†Ino broke the silence. Sakura nodded and looked over at Hinata.
“Yes... Hinata.â€
“I was talking about you!†Ino said in exasperation. Hinata nodded, her Byakugan flaring slightly.
“Yes.â€
“What? How is this my fault?†Sakura demanded. “I couldn’t have known that Anko would have intervened! The boys were supposed to keep her distracted!â€
“Yes, but you took so long that we never even got around to seducing Naruto,†Ino pointed out, brushing off some leaves that had become stuck to her frilly dress.
“Well he wasn’t cooperating!†Sakura said. “What, did you just want to force yourselves on him?â€
“M-Maybe he wouldn’t have minded?†Hinata suggested. At Sakura’s strange look, Hinata squeaked and held a bunny rabbit up in front of her face.
I like the way she thinks, Inner Sakura contributed.
Gee, what a surprise, Sakura thought back.
“Well we are a seduction team!†Ino growled. “Maybe we should have tried, ya know, seducing him!â€
“And then been caught by Anko in the middle of... Of that? I don’t think so,†Sakura said with a shudder. “Just imagine what she’d have done to us then!†She then glared and punched herself in the head. Ino blinked.
“Uh, Sakura-?â€
“I’m fine,†the pink haired girl growled. Ino slowly nodded.
“Right, right...â€
“Sakura is right,†Hinata said firmly, squeezing her stuffed bunny around the neck. “Anko-sensei is the one who interrupted us. Who interfered with our saving Naruto-kun.†Her eyes narrowed and the bunny squeaked as Hinata’s hands threatened to crush the poor toy. “We must take her down.â€
Ino rose and walked over to Hinata’s side. She knelt down and carefully extracted the bunny toy from the Hyuuga princess’s hands.
“Now now Hinata... Let’s stay focused. We’re no match for Anko, she’d kill us,†Ino consoled Hinata. The Hyuuga girl looked Ino in the eyes. The blonde smiled at her and rested her hands on Hinata’s shoulders. “What we need to do is save Naruto, that’s thing one!â€
Hinata smiled back warmly at Ino. “You’re right Ino... I almost lost sight of our true goal...†She sniffled and clasped hands with Ino. “You’re like the sister I never had! Thank you!â€
“Don’t worry Hinata, I’m here!†Ino said with a bright smile, “and together darling, we’ll save Naruto and have him back for our own!â€
“Oh Ino!†Hinata cried with a happy laugh. The two girls hugged, giggling. Sakura promptly facepalmed.
“Seriously... Why are you so gung ho about..†As Sakura raised her eyes, she saw that Hinata had pulled out Naruto’s torn boxers. The pale girl held the clothing up to her nose, breathed deeply, and sighed with a blissful smile. “HEY!†She grabbed the boxers and yanked them out of Hinata’s grasp. “Don’t do that! It’s weird!â€
“Yes Hinata, it is a bit weird,†Ino said. Hinata glared.
“What about Naruto-kun’s shirt you’ve got stuffed in your dress?†She accused. Ino blushed brightly and cleared her throat. She looked to the side with a haughty expression.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about-â€
“Ino, I can see it,†Sakura said flatly, stooping down to yank the shirt out from Ino’s dress. The blonde whined.
“Oh come on!â€
“You two do realize you’re getting like this over Naruto, right?†Sakura asked flatly.
“Is this any weirder than what you get up to over Sasuke and Itachi?†Ino replied, as Hinata nodded her head. Sakura turned bright red.
“Th-That’s for professional purposes only!†Sakura growled. “That they’re hot just means I have a bonus! Now let’s focus! We need to come up with an improved plan.â€
“Well, you are the brains of the outfit... Supposedly,†Ino said wryly. “What’s your plan?â€
The two girls looked expectantly at Sakura. The pink haired girl coughed, and rubbed the back of her head.
“Well... It’s simple! We just need to get to Naruto when he’s out of Anko’s clutches!†Sakura said with a smile. “In hindsight, just assaulting Anko’s home was kind of impulsive of me...â€
“In fairness, Lee insisted on saving Gai-sensei,†Ino said. “So don’t feel too bad about it.â€
“Live and learn,†Hinata said. “I know all the secret ways into Naruto’s apartment complex, and I can track him easily...†At Sakura’s look she pouted. “D-Don’t judge me!â€
“Fine,†Sakura said with a sigh. “Let’s rest and regroup and try again tomorrow. And if this fails, I can put together some contingency plans.â€
“Like what?†Ino asked.
“Well, we could always put together a C-Rank mission to get Naruto out of Konoha for a while,†Sakura said with a grin and a wink.
“Right, because that never turns out badly,†Ino said dryly.
- - - - - -
Later that night, Naruto got to his bed and snuggled down into his covers. He drifted off to sleep... And in his dreams he found himself in a familiar sewer, before an equally familiar giant gate with an unfortunately familiar giant fox monster glaring at him.
"What the-?" Naruto tried, but the Kyuubi interrupted him with a low rumble.
"BRAT... YOU DISAPPOINT ME."
Well that wasn't exactly hard to do, being that Naruto was a human and Kyuubi was a horrible, evil chakra-based demon. Naruto even said as much.
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I REFER TO," the Kyuubi stated.
"Huh?" Naruto eloquently expressed in confusion. Kyuubi snorted, his breath curling up to the ceiling like smoke.
"THREE! THREE FINE VIXENS AND YOU DIDN'T TAKE A ONE OF THEM! What is WRONG with you?!"
"Eh?!" Naruto cried in disbelief. "Wha-YOU WERE SPYING ON ME?!"
"I see what you see, brat. It's boring in here," Kyuubi said flatly. "I have no other sources of entertainment aside from your memories!"
Well, that was intensely disturbing but Naruto decided to focus on one problem at a time.
"Well-Well-What do you mean, what's wrong with me?! It wouldn't be right to bang them!" Naruto paused, his cheeks turning red. "I mean... All at the same time... Together... Uhhh..." He was red as a tomato, but he managed to shake his head clear of the pleasant thoughts. "But it'd still be wrong...!"
"See? It's crap like this that makes me worry about you, brat," Kyuubi stated in a tone of voice that nearly qualified as concerned. Naruto decided, as with so many other things, to not think too hard about that. "So in my infinite wisdom, I shall give you useful advice on your predicament. Starting with the simplest solution: Bang them!"
"But-But I can't bang them! I mean... Um... I like Sakura but the other two... I-I don't like them like that!" Naruto emphasized.
The Kyuubi laughed.
"Oh? You were paying attention to those two reeeeeeal close. You know... the ones who wanted your clothes off. The ones you actually LIKE the attention of!"
"LIAR! I like Sakura just fine! She's freaking crazy! That's attractive!" Naruto said, shaking his fist. The Kyuubi was silent for a time, then...
"... are you listening to yourself?"
Naruto scowled and rallied to defend himself.
"Well, I'm just a bit overwhelmed! Three girls wanting me to bang them all at once...? How am I supposed to react?! Literally nothing like that has ever happened to me! Ever!" He shook his head. "What would you have done, huh?!"
"Make shadow clones and make sure they don't outnumber me!" The Kyuubi immediately stated.
"THAT'S NOT HELPING! Don't you have any useful advice?!" Naruto shouted back.
"Cuddles. They always respond well to that afterwards."
"After-DAMNIT!" Naruto cursed. He shook his fist at his tenant. "Do you have anything that doesn't involve me banging them?"
Once again the Kyuubi was silent and staring in disbelief at Naruto.
"... Seriously, you're saying words, and I can understand them by themselves, but that combination makes no sense..."
"ARGH!" Naruto shouted, fed up. "Asshole!"
"Just suck it up, brat. At least give me a thrill," the Kyuubi said, almost pleading.
"... You can see what I see," and Naruto's eyes widened in realization. "THAT's why you want me to bang them. Y-y-you PERV!"
"Oi! I have sired many a kit in my time!" The Kyuubi growled. "And while sealed inside humans I've been privileged to see all the finest perversions of your kind! And now I'm trapped inside the most hard headed virgin idiot ever! Think of how much I'm suffering!"
"You're not going to turn my first time into some tawdry sex show for yourself!" Naruto shouted with a snarl.
"It is perfectly natural to want to procreate! In fact..." And here the Kyuubi's voice took on the tone of one sharing secrets, "Jiraiya got so powerful because of how many females he banged! As did... Your father!"
"... Wait, what?!" Naruto asked in disbelief.
"Oh yes... They didn't tell you about your father, did they?" Kyuubi taunted. Some gears turned in Naruto's head, and unlike when he was in the real world they came to a proper and obvious conclusion. As obvious as the Yondaime's face on the Hokage monument.
"They told me enough! They told me... YOU killed him!" Naruto accused the Kyuubi. The Kyuubi chuckled darkly.
"No... I am your father!"
Naruto stared in shock for the longest time... Before his face broke from sheer incredulity.
"... nope. Not buying it," he said.
"Oh come on!" Kyuubi raged. "I haven't been able to use that joke in thousands of years and you totally blow it!"
"Seriously. No freaking way."
"Fine, fine! I'm not your father," the Kyuubi pronounced. The massive fox shrunk down, and walked out of the shadows. Now in the form of a beautiful, scantily clad (and very well endowed) kitsune woman, she smirked at him.
"I'm your MOTHER!"
Naruto responded to that by burying his face in his palms. When he lowered his hands, the Kyuubi had returned to its far less disturbing form of a giant hellbeast.
"All right all right... But I was sealed in your mother before I was sealed in you. And your grandma. And your great grandma... And so on and so forth. Hoo boy, the things that woman would get up to!" The Kyuubi actually chortled and Naruto swore kittens were probably dying somewhere in Konoha right now.
"... wait, you were sealed in all women in my family?" He asked.
"Yep. Well a guy or two. They didn't amount to much. Your sexy jutsu has a bit of my influence involved."
Naruto facepalmed again. "I think we're done here..."
"Now look brat: I shall make a deal with you. Listening?" The Kyuubi stated. Naruto weighed his options, sighed, and nodded.
"Yes," he said in resignation.
"You will put the counter kunoichi lessons the sexy older female who smells of snakes gave to good use. And you will mate with at least one of those females..." And here the Kyuubi grinned. "Or else."
"Or else what?" Naruto asked in challenge.
"Or else I will tell you, in detail, what your parents got up to the night they conceived your hairless ass. And fill your dreams with them."
Naruto's jaw dropped and his tanned skin turned the color of paper. He'd never known his parents, and true, he did want to know who they were but to know them like that...
I'm finding Jiraiya first thing in the morning to deal with this! He thought urgently. Out loud to the Kyuubi, he said:
"They'll be banged so hard their moms will feel it!" He said with his customary bravado.
"Good on you, brat!" The Kyuubi shouted. "Now get out!"
"Get out?! THIS IS MY BODY!" Naruto shouted back angrily.
"And the accommodations are abysmal..." The Kyuubi growled.
"Well what do you expect me to do about it?!" Naruto demanded.
"This is your mind, is it not? Use it for something useful!" Kyuubi demanded. "Put me in a place of comfort!"
"Place of comfort, huh?" Naruto said, rubbing his chin. "Hmmm..." He brightened. "How's this?"
The Kyuubi found himself on a bridge in Konoha. The sun shone down upon him as Sasuke leaned against the bridge railing with a pout on his face, Sakura talked on about nothing, Kakashi read his perverted book, Hinata stuttered and smiled at him, and the rest of the people Naruto had befriended were clustered around comfortable, happy, and smiling...
And the Kyuubi shuddered.
"Back to the sewer, please."
"God, fine!" Naruto shouted angrily.
- - - - - -
- - - - - - -
The next morning, a silent Team 7 met at their usual meeting place: The bridge in the center of Training Ground 42. Naruto was blushing heavily and avoiding everyone’s gaze, Sasuke was looking down at the ground with a scowl, and Sakura was looking up at the sky and humming her happy denial song.
Damn this is awkward, was the same thought on everyone’s mind. Soon followed by variations on another similar thought.
Just stick to the plan, it will work, Sakura thought.
Right, right, focus on the plan, Naruto thought as well.
Avenger's log: So far all going according to plan, Sasuke thought. Will wait for right moment to strike. In meantime...
"So," Sasuke said.
“So...†Naruto answered. Sakura coughed. Sasuke grunted.
“So...†Sakura tried.
“... Hn,†Sasuke eloquently put.
Great, Naruto thought flatly. How am I supposed to do anything with all this awkwardness? I mean if even I can pick up on it...
“... Kakashi-sensei is late again,†Sakura managed.
“Yep,†Naruto agreed. “Sure is.â€
“Hn,†Sasuke concurred.
Naruto decided, screw it. He had to get things back to normal somehow if his plan was going to work, and this was kind of his fault, so...
“SEXY JUTSU!†Naruto cried, poofing into his babelicious female form and glomping onto Sasuke. The Uchiha heir’s eyes widened as Sakura’s jaw dropped.
“NARUTO!†Sakura shrieked. Naruko grinned over at Sakura.
“What? I’m not doing anything Anko-nee-chan wouldn’t!†He defended himself. He felt Sasuke go limp, and looked back at his best male friend. “Er... Sasuke?â€
Sasuke had passed out, suffering from a severe nosebleed. He was also smiling.
“... Ew,†Naruto muttered, letting Sasuke drop to the bridge as Sakura continued to scream at him. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.
Inside his head, Libido Naruto just smirked and smoked his cigar.
Kakashi walked up to the bridge, checking his watch. He smiled in approval behind his mask. Yep, his students had actually made it worth it for him to show up early.
Well, for him.
This day was just looking better and better...
- - - - - - -
The next morning, a silent Team 7 met at their usual meeting place: The bridge in the center of Training Ground 42. Naruto was blushing heavily and avoiding everyone’s gaze, Sasuke was looking down at the ground with a scowl, and Sakura was looking up at the sky and humming her happy denial song.
Damn this is awkward, was the same thought on everyone’s mind. Soon followed by variations on another similar thought.
Just stick to the plan, it will work, Sakura thought.
Right, right, focus on the plan, Naruto thought as well.
Avenger's log: So far all going according to plan, Sasuke thought. Will wait for right moment to strike. In meantime...
"So," Sasuke said.
“So...†Naruto answered. Sakura coughed. Sasuke grunted.
“So...†Sakura tried.
“... Hn,†Sasuke eloquently put.
Great, Naruto thought flatly. How am I supposed to do anything with all this awkwardness? I mean if even I can pick up on it...
“... Kakashi-sensei is late again,†Sakura managed.
“Yep,†Naruto agreed. “Sure is.â€
“Hn,†Sasuke concurred.
Naruto decided, screw it. He had to get things back to normal somehow if his plan was going to work, and this was kind of his fault, so...
“SEXY JUTSU!†Naruto cried, poofing into his babelicious female form and glomping onto Sasuke. The Uchiha heir’s eyes widened as Sakura’s jaw dropped.
“NARUTO!†Sakura shrieked. Naruko grinned over at Sakura.
“What? I’m not doing anything Anko-nee-chan wouldn’t!†He defended himself. He felt Sasuke go limp, and looked back at his best male friend. “Er... Sasuke?â€
Sasuke had passed out, suffering from a severe nosebleed. He was also smiling.
“... Ew,†Naruto muttered, letting Sasuke drop to the bridge as Sakura continued to scream at him. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.
Inside his head, Libido Naruto just smirked and smoked his cigar.
Kakashi walked up to the bridge, checking his watch. He smiled in approval behind his mask. Yep, his students had actually made it worth it for him to show up early.
Well, for him.
This day was just looking better and better...
- - - - - - -
Yeah, those parts are pretty funny. It makes sense to me that the Kyuubi is interested in sex, but at a much younger age wouldn't you fantasize about doing more innocent things, like touching and kissing? Ninja world and all that but when I was 12-14 even though I knew what sex was, I still wanted to be with girls and make out with them, not bang them.
Here is the next chapter in its' completed glory. Enjoy:
- - - - - - -
The next morning, a silent Team 7 met at their usual meeting place: The bridge in the center of Training Ground 42. Naruto was blushing heavily and avoiding everyone's gaze, Sasuke was looking down at the ground with a scowl, and Sakura was looking up at the sky and humming her happy denial song.
Damn this is awkward, was the same thought on everyone's mind.
Just stick to the plan, it will work, Sakura thought.
Right, right, focus on the plan, Naruto thought as well.
Avenger's log: So far all going according to plan, Sasuke thought. Will wait for right moment to strike. In meantime...
"So," Sasuke said.
"So..." Naruto answered. Sakura coughed. Sasuke grunted.
"So..." Sakura tried.
"... Hn," Sasuke eloquently put.
Great, Naruto thought flatly. How am I supposed to do anything with all this awkwardness? I mean if even I can pick up on it...
"... Kakashi-sensei is late again," Sakura managed.
"Yep," Naruto agreed. "Sure is."
"Hn," Sasuke concurred.
Naruto decided, screw it. He had to get things back to normal somehow if his plan was going to work, and this was kind of his fault, so...
"SEXY JUTSU!" Naruto cried, poofing into his babelicious female form and glomping onto Sasuke. The Uchiha heir's eyes widened as Sakura's jaw dropped.
"NARUTO!" Sakura shrieked. Naruko grinned over at Sakura.
"What? I'm not doing anything Anko-nee-chan wouldn't!" He defended himself. He felt Sasuke go limp, and looked back at his best male friend. "Er... Sasuke?"
Sasuke had passed out, suffering from a severe nosebleed. He was also smiling.
"... Ew," Naruto muttered, letting Sasuke drop to the bridge as Sakura continued to scream at him. Maybe this wasn't the best idea.
Inside his head, Libido Naruto just smirked and smoked his cigar.
Kakashi walked up to the bridge, checking his watch. He smiled in approval behind his mask. Yep, his students had actually made it worth it for him to show up early.
Well, for him.
This day was just looking better and better...
- - - - - -
Tsunade sighed as she leaned back in her chair. She looked between the gathered ninjas, and then over at Jiraiya in the back of the office. The old pervert gave her a thumbs up. She schooled her features so she would look utterly serious. Team 7, 8 and 10 were all gathered. Team Gai was out, as their participation wasn't that critical.
Besides, Gai was probably having to deal with a crying Lee and she didn't have nearly enough booze to handle that right now.
"So, Granny, what have you got for us this time?" Naruto asked, arms behind his head. He looked rather eager.
"You have been asked to do some bandit clearing in the nearby mountains," Tsunade said. "Shouldn't be too difficult. However, extensive recon on the surrounding area is vital. The bandits may have the support of a few missing nin. Therefore, I am assigning a specialized team for this operation."
"What sort of specialized team?" Sakura asked.
"Naruto, you will be the leader of team alpha," Tsunade stated seriously. "You will choose teammates who will be effective for scouting."
"Well I-" Naruto began, before he felt bodies pressing against him from either side. He looked back and forth, seeing a grinning Ino and a blushing Hinata.
"We're all yours, team leader~," Ino said happily.
"Y-Yes," Hinata said.
"Ah...?" Naruto tried.
Why the hell am I so disappointed? Sakura thought to herself as she eyed them with envy.
Truly, Anko has taught him well... Godspeed, Naruto, Shino thought.
Avenger's log: Will have to tread extra carefully. On the other hand, Naruto is attracting former annoying fangirls. Might be useful, thought Sasuke.
"Shino, you will command team B," Tsunade said. "Your primary objective will be to scout missing nin positions."
"I will take Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno," Shino said.
"And Shikamaru, you will command team c," Tsunade said. Shikamaru shrugged.
"I suppose I do get the least... Distracted members of this group," he said.
"And Shizune is going along as medic," Tsunade said. "She will also be evaluating you all for skills in leadership. Don't mess this up."
"Right, Granny!" Naruto said cheerfully, trying to give the V-sign... But unfortunately, his hand was being held by Ino. "Ah... Ino... I need my arm..."
"Do you?" Ino asked with a smile.
After the ninjas filed out, Jiraiya sighed and shook his head.
"Well that's just not going to be any fun at all, Tsunade-chan," he said dryly. "A normal mission out of the village?"
"How is this not fun? I'm sending those pinheads out into an area where they will be responsible and with all that awkwardness from before! Not to mention Shizune will be along," Tsunade said defensively. "It's a great idea!"
"Yeah, but it seems like a bit of a strange detour to take in our plans," Jiraiya observed. "How am I supposed to write a good book out of this?"
Tsunade threw her hands up in the air.
"Well you wanted Naruto and Shizune to be isolated! What more do you want, Akatsuki involved?!"
- - - - - -
At that very moment...
Itachi hummed thoughtfully as he inspected the map. Kisame looked over his shoulder.
"Hey... Are you sure those missing nin bases are in this area?"
"I did grow up around here. Of course I know," Itachi said frankly. "Besides, we might get to see Sasuke again. I've heard he has a crush..." He rolled up the map. "Maybe I can meet her, welcome her to the family."
"... You mean seduce her and then taunt your brother about the fact you've done it?"
"... Maybe."
"You're getting kind of predictable, Itachi."
"Nonsense. I can just-"
"Tsukiyomi them into thinking it's an entirely new move by you, thus preserving your badass mystique?"
"..."
"... Shut up."
- - - - - -
Back in Konoha...
"GAI-SENSEIIIII!" Lee wailed, hugging his beloved mentor with all the might an unnaturally strong teenaged boy could muster. Gai burst into manly tears and hugged his beloved student back.
"LEEEEE!"
"GAI-SENSEIIII!"
"LEEEEE!"
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE ARE CRYING AND EMBRACING!" Gai cried.
Tenten facepalmed. "I thought I'd be used to this by now..."
"This you have a problem with. The sex ed, you don't," Neji stated in total disbelief. Tenten looked over at Neji and grinned.
"Well... You do make for a very cute girl, Neji-chan~," she teased. "That Sexy Jutsu does wonders for you!"
Neji turned bright red and shuddered. "D-Don't remind me!" He hissed.
Tenten just shrugged smugly, as Lee ceased his blubbering long enough to get out some words.
"I-I TRIED TO SAVE YOU FROM ANKO-SENSEI'S CLUTCHES, BUT I FAILLLLED!"
Gai immediately stopped crying, and backhanded Lee into a tree. The bowl cut wearing boy bounced off the tree and slammed facefirst into the dirt.
"FOOL!" Gai shouted. "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALL I HAVE TAUGHT YOU?"
"O-Ow," Lee mumbled. He looked up, shocked and betrayed. "Gai-sensei... Why...?"
Gai smiled, and held out a hand to his beloved student. Lee took it, and was pulled up onto his feet. "A man will consort with a woman for many things, Lee. Sometimes the woman is indeed abusing the man... But a man needs challeges! A man needs pain, and strife, to appreciate the glorious explosion of youth that is a good relationship with a friend you have carnal relations with at times!"
"So..." Lee brightened. "You mean... I won't have to call Anko-sensei my surrogate mother, as I call you my surrogate father?"
"That's what he's been so worried about?" Tenten muttered in disbelief. Neji frowned.
"Well... Imagine if she started showing up at Gai-sensei's house in the mornings... Or greeted us when we came in for dinner."
Tenten had a sudden mental image of Anko in a frilly apron, greeting them with warm smiles... Gai-sensei with a pipe and a laugh...
"... That doesn't sound too bad, actually," Tenten mused.
"What is wrong with you?" Neji groaned.
"No!" Gai pronounced, swinging his arm about in a wide arc. "Anko and I are merely friends! You might think of her as an aunt... Except it would be weird and deeply disturbing! Neji could call Anko his aunt if he'd like since the Hyuuga are used to that sort of thing-"
"WE ARE NOT!" Neji shouted, fists clenched as his eyes twitched in strain. "WE'RE NOT INTO INCEST, I SWEAR!"
"Shame, you and Hinata would be rather hot," Tenten mused. Neji gaped.
"WHAT?!"
"As stimulating a mental image that is, Tenten, it is not in keeping with the kind of youthful fires I would like you to tend and kindle!" Gai boomed. He rubbed his chin. "However, were Neji to be a girl, and his cousin Hinata to be a girl, the youthful stimulation levels rise exponentially."
Neji was even paler than usual as he twitched all over. Tenten looked into the air, contemplating the imagery.
"... Hot," she pronounced.
"Oh, Gai-sensei, must you continue to confuse me?" Lee whined. "I thought Neji was a girl when we first met, this isn't helping!"
"I hate you all," Neji mumbled. Gai laughed and clapped Lee on the back.
"So have no fear, Lee! I am in no danger from Anko-san!"
"Er... But Gai-sensei," Lee said, "what about Naruto and Anko-sensei? Is that... Normal?"
Gai blinked a few times. "Why exactly would it not be?"
His team stared up at him. Tenten then shrugged.
"Well, if Gai-sensei says it's all right, it's all right," she said. Lee sniffled.
"Gai-Sensei... I... I don't understand... But I must trust that you are right in this instance!" He hugged his mentor. "GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
Neji threw up his hands. "That does it! I'm fixing Naruto right now!" He turned and stormed off. Tenten grinned.
"Not sure that'll help, Neji-chan~!"
"THAT PUN IS STUPID AND SO ARE YOU!" Neji shouted back angrily.
- - - - - -
Hinata's room in the Hyuuga compound was a study in contrasts. On one hand, the sheets were fluffy and a cuddly rabbit plushy was sitting on her bed with a broad smile. The tones were warm and cheerful, with heirlooms from beloved family members made of brightly painted wood.
And on the other hand...
"Ah! There we go," Hinata said happily, carrying a box over to the bed. She dumped the supplies out, sorting her kunai, ninja wire, and shuriken. "Hnnn... Which one is better," she mumbled as she held up two kinds of wire. "This brand, or the other?"
She frowned. "This brand says it holds fast... The other says it holds no matter what... This one was on sale... This one wasn't..." She smiled at the one in orange. "Mmm... I like this color though... So much... It reminds me of... Of...!"
"Hinata."
"EEP!" Hinata cried, jumping slightly. She turned around and looked at her father. "Ah... Father! H-Hello!" She hid the orange packaged ninja wire behind her with a nervous smile. Hiashi Hyuuga nodded.
"Mm... Packing for your mission, I see," he said.
"Yes father," Hinata said quickly. She shoved both wire rounds onto the scroll, and with a quick application of chakra sealed her weapons into the paper. She rolled it up and tucked it into her pack. Hiashi walked around to the far side of her bed, staring at the orange painting on her wall.
"Not another seduction mission, is it?" He asked. Hinata blushed furiously, and held her hands up.
"Ah?! What?! What do you, I-I mean, I don't know what you-!"
"Trying to rescue the Uzumaki boy from Mitarashi's clutches, correct?" Hiashi asked, still staring at the wall. Hinata coughed, and looked down. She tapped her fingers together.
"I... Well... Y-Yes..."
Hiashi nodded. "And you will do this while stuttering and looking nervous?"
"Ahhh... Well..." Hinata said, "it... It is kind of what I do..."
Hiashi looked at his daughter sternly, and she wilted. "Have you ever asked yourself why Uzumaki prefers the pink haired girl over you?"
"... A few times," Hinata admitted. "I-I guess... She's not that... Weird."
"Yes. That, and she strives to take what she wants," Hiashi said. "She moves forward, never hesitating. You must find the same fire, Hinata, and conquer Uzumaki yourself!"
"C-Conquer?" Hinata asked with an even brighter blush. Hiashi nodded solemnly.
"You know... Once, I was much like Uzumaki," he admitted. Hinata gaped.
"R-Really?!"
"Yes... I was reckless, stupid, poorly dressed," Hiashi recited. Hinata blinked. "Ignored your mother no matter how often she 'accidentally' ran into me in the shower... The hot springs..."
Hinata's jaw dropped and immediately wished her imagination was not so vivid.
"The bathroom... The kitchen wearing nothing but whipped cream..." Hiashi was looking out into space with somewhat glazed eyes.
"I-I think I get it, father," Hinata said quickly. Hiashi coughed, and regained his composure.
"Yes... You see, like Uzumaki, I was... A spirit focused entirely on the now," Hiashi explained. "Yes I had dreams, great dreams, and I worked hard to achieve them. But I did not think of building the future. Of building a home, a life with a wife and family. A powerful household. I wanted to establish myself."
"So... What did you do?" Hinata asked. Hiashi smirked.
"It was not what I did... It was what your mother did. She entered my life as though she'd always been there. Made decisions for me, and invited me to challenge her. She proved me wrong many times... More times than I would like to admit. I proved her wrong several times myself. We gave, and we took... But she had to make the first move. Had to shake me out of my..."
"... Stupidity?" Hinata asked.
"I thought you liked the boy."
Hinata's face resembled a sunset. "I... Well... Yes... But he can be a bit... Stupid."
"Yes... The right kind of stupid in some ways," Hiashi admitted. "However! If you are going to get him out of the clutches of that Mitarashi woman... You must make him think of a future. A future ruled by your mighty feminine will." Hiashi's eyes narrowed and his gaze hardened. "You must be... An Ojou-sama!"
"... A princess? I... I thought I already kind of was," Hinata said. Hiashi sighed.
"It is true, you are very princess like. I... Damnit, out! Out!" Hiashi pointed at the window. A few deer, mice, birds, bats and other assorted cute animals were gathered at the window sill. He walked over and shooed them away. "I've told you before, you can follow her around outside!"
"I'm sorry Father, I don't know why that keeps happening," Hinata admitted.
"Have you engaged in any musical numbers?" Hiashi asked sternly. The Hyuuga heiress looked aside.
"... Not... Recently...?"
"Well, you cannot just be a princess of gentleness and beauty," Hiashi said. "You must be one of strength, determination, and power! Make him recognize you as a strong kunoichi, with a future to build with, and he will not waste his time any longer with Mitarashi!"
"But... But how do I do that?" Hinata asked. Hiashi sighed, and pinched his forehead. He then reached into his robes, and pulled out a box.
"I was going to save this for your wedding night, but! I suppose the time has come," he said. He handed it to Hinata. "Here you are, Hinata. This was your mother's. Make her proud. Make me proud," he said.
Hinata blinked, and opened the box. Her eyes widened, and she reached in. She pulled out a fine coil of scented ninja rope, an elegant fan... And a riding crop?
"Ah... Father? What am I supposed to-?"
Her father was gone. Hinata blinked, and blushed...
And with a determined expression, pushed the box into her pack and slung it over her shoulders. She had a mission to complete!
- - - - - -
Naruto just keeps pulling me back in...
- - - - - - -
The next morning, a silent Team 7 met at their usual meeting place: The bridge in the center of Training Ground 42. Naruto was blushing heavily and avoiding everyone's gaze, Sasuke was looking down at the ground with a scowl, and Sakura was looking up at the sky and humming her happy denial song.
Damn this is awkward, was the same thought on everyone's mind.
Just stick to the plan, it will work, Sakura thought.
Right, right, focus on the plan, Naruto thought as well.
Avenger's log: So far all going according to plan, Sasuke thought. Will wait for right moment to strike. In meantime...
"So," Sasuke said.
"So..." Naruto answered. Sakura coughed. Sasuke grunted.
"So..." Sakura tried.
"... Hn," Sasuke eloquently put.
Great, Naruto thought flatly. How am I supposed to do anything with all this awkwardness? I mean if even I can pick up on it...
"... Kakashi-sensei is late again," Sakura managed.
"Yep," Naruto agreed. "Sure is."
"Hn," Sasuke concurred.
Naruto decided, screw it. He had to get things back to normal somehow if his plan was going to work, and this was kind of his fault, so...
"SEXY JUTSU!" Naruto cried, poofing into his babelicious female form and glomping onto Sasuke. The Uchiha heir's eyes widened as Sakura's jaw dropped.
"NARUTO!" Sakura shrieked. Naruko grinned over at Sakura.
"What? I'm not doing anything Anko-nee-chan wouldn't!" He defended himself. He felt Sasuke go limp, and looked back at his best male friend. "Er... Sasuke?"
Sasuke had passed out, suffering from a severe nosebleed. He was also smiling.
"... Ew," Naruto muttered, letting Sasuke drop to the bridge as Sakura continued to scream at him. Maybe this wasn't the best idea.
Inside his head, Libido Naruto just smirked and smoked his cigar.
Kakashi walked up to the bridge, checking his watch. He smiled in approval behind his mask. Yep, his students had actually made it worth it for him to show up early.
Well, for him.
This day was just looking better and better...
- - - - - -
Tsunade sighed as she leaned back in her chair. She looked between the gathered ninjas, and then over at Jiraiya in the back of the office. The old pervert gave her a thumbs up. She schooled her features so she would look utterly serious. Team 7, 8 and 10 were all gathered. Team Gai was out, as their participation wasn't that critical.
Besides, Gai was probably having to deal with a crying Lee and she didn't have nearly enough booze to handle that right now.
"So, Granny, what have you got for us this time?" Naruto asked, arms behind his head. He looked rather eager.
"You have been asked to do some bandit clearing in the nearby mountains," Tsunade said. "Shouldn't be too difficult. However, extensive recon on the surrounding area is vital. The bandits may have the support of a few missing nin. Therefore, I am assigning a specialized team for this operation."
"What sort of specialized team?" Sakura asked.
"Naruto, you will be the leader of team alpha," Tsunade stated seriously. "You will choose teammates who will be effective for scouting."
"Well I-" Naruto began, before he felt bodies pressing against him from either side. He looked back and forth, seeing a grinning Ino and a blushing Hinata.
"We're all yours, team leader~," Ino said happily.
"Y-Yes," Hinata said.
"Ah...?" Naruto tried.
Why the hell am I so disappointed? Sakura thought to herself as she eyed them with envy.
Truly, Anko has taught him well... Godspeed, Naruto, Shino thought.
Avenger's log: Will have to tread extra carefully. On the other hand, Naruto is attracting former annoying fangirls. Might be useful, thought Sasuke.
"Shino, you will command team B," Tsunade said. "Your primary objective will be to scout missing nin positions."
"I will take Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno," Shino said.
"And Shikamaru, you will command team c," Tsunade said. Shikamaru shrugged.
"I suppose I do get the least... Distracted members of this group," he said.
"And Shizune is going along as medic," Tsunade said. "She will also be evaluating you all for skills in leadership. Don't mess this up."
"Right, Granny!" Naruto said cheerfully, trying to give the V-sign... But unfortunately, his hand was being held by Ino. "Ah... Ino... I need my arm..."
"Do you?" Ino asked with a smile.
After the ninjas filed out, Jiraiya sighed and shook his head.
"Well that's just not going to be any fun at all, Tsunade-chan," he said dryly. "A normal mission out of the village?"
"How is this not fun? I'm sending those pinheads out into an area where they will be responsible and with all that awkwardness from before! Not to mention Shizune will be along," Tsunade said defensively. "It's a great idea!"
"Yeah, but it seems like a bit of a strange detour to take in our plans," Jiraiya observed. "How am I supposed to write a good book out of this?"
Tsunade threw her hands up in the air.
"Well you wanted Naruto and Shizune to be isolated! What more do you want, Akatsuki involved?!"
- - - - - -
At that very moment...
Itachi hummed thoughtfully as he inspected the map. Kisame looked over his shoulder.
"Hey... Are you sure those missing nin bases are in this area?"
"I did grow up around here. Of course I know," Itachi said frankly. "Besides, we might get to see Sasuke again. I've heard he has a crush..." He rolled up the map. "Maybe I can meet her, welcome her to the family."
"... You mean seduce her and then taunt your brother about the fact you've done it?"
"... Maybe."
"You're getting kind of predictable, Itachi."
"Nonsense. I can just-"
"Tsukiyomi them into thinking it's an entirely new move by you, thus preserving your badass mystique?"
"..."
"... Shut up."
- - - - - -
Back in Konoha...
"GAI-SENSEIIIII!" Lee wailed, hugging his beloved mentor with all the might an unnaturally strong teenaged boy could muster. Gai burst into manly tears and hugged his beloved student back.
"LEEEEE!"
"GAI-SENSEIIII!"
"LEEEEE!"
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE ARE CRYING AND EMBRACING!" Gai cried.
Tenten facepalmed. "I thought I'd be used to this by now..."
"This you have a problem with. The sex ed, you don't," Neji stated in total disbelief. Tenten looked over at Neji and grinned.
"Well... You do make for a very cute girl, Neji-chan~," she teased. "That Sexy Jutsu does wonders for you!"
Neji turned bright red and shuddered. "D-Don't remind me!" He hissed.
Tenten just shrugged smugly, as Lee ceased his blubbering long enough to get out some words.
"I-I TRIED TO SAVE YOU FROM ANKO-SENSEI'S CLUTCHES, BUT I FAILLLLED!"
Gai immediately stopped crying, and backhanded Lee into a tree. The bowl cut wearing boy bounced off the tree and slammed facefirst into the dirt.
"FOOL!" Gai shouted. "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALL I HAVE TAUGHT YOU?"
"O-Ow," Lee mumbled. He looked up, shocked and betrayed. "Gai-sensei... Why...?"
Gai smiled, and held out a hand to his beloved student. Lee took it, and was pulled up onto his feet. "A man will consort with a woman for many things, Lee. Sometimes the woman is indeed abusing the man... But a man needs challeges! A man needs pain, and strife, to appreciate the glorious explosion of youth that is a good relationship with a friend you have carnal relations with at times!"
"So..." Lee brightened. "You mean... I won't have to call Anko-sensei my surrogate mother, as I call you my surrogate father?"
"That's what he's been so worried about?" Tenten muttered in disbelief. Neji frowned.
"Well... Imagine if she started showing up at Gai-sensei's house in the mornings... Or greeted us when we came in for dinner."
Tenten had a sudden mental image of Anko in a frilly apron, greeting them with warm smiles... Gai-sensei with a pipe and a laugh...
"... That doesn't sound too bad, actually," Tenten mused.
"What is wrong with you?" Neji groaned.
"No!" Gai pronounced, swinging his arm about in a wide arc. "Anko and I are merely friends! You might think of her as an aunt... Except it would be weird and deeply disturbing! Neji could call Anko his aunt if he'd like since the Hyuuga are used to that sort of thing-"
"WE ARE NOT!" Neji shouted, fists clenched as his eyes twitched in strain. "WE'RE NOT INTO INCEST, I SWEAR!"
"Shame, you and Hinata would be rather hot," Tenten mused. Neji gaped.
"WHAT?!"
"As stimulating a mental image that is, Tenten, it is not in keeping with the kind of youthful fires I would like you to tend and kindle!" Gai boomed. He rubbed his chin. "However, were Neji to be a girl, and his cousin Hinata to be a girl, the youthful stimulation levels rise exponentially."
Neji was even paler than usual as he twitched all over. Tenten looked into the air, contemplating the imagery.
"... Hot," she pronounced.
"Oh, Gai-sensei, must you continue to confuse me?" Lee whined. "I thought Neji was a girl when we first met, this isn't helping!"
"I hate you all," Neji mumbled. Gai laughed and clapped Lee on the back.
"So have no fear, Lee! I am in no danger from Anko-san!"
"Er... But Gai-sensei," Lee said, "what about Naruto and Anko-sensei? Is that... Normal?"
Gai blinked a few times. "Why exactly would it not be?"
His team stared up at him. Tenten then shrugged.
"Well, if Gai-sensei says it's all right, it's all right," she said. Lee sniffled.
"Gai-Sensei... I... I don't understand... But I must trust that you are right in this instance!" He hugged his mentor. "GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
Neji threw up his hands. "That does it! I'm fixing Naruto right now!" He turned and stormed off. Tenten grinned.
"Not sure that'll help, Neji-chan~!"
"THAT PUN IS STUPID AND SO ARE YOU!" Neji shouted back angrily.
- - - - - -
Hinata's room in the Hyuuga compound was a study in contrasts. On one hand, the sheets were fluffy and a cuddly rabbit plushy was sitting on her bed with a broad smile. The tones were warm and cheerful, with heirlooms from beloved family members made of brightly painted wood.
And on the other hand...
"Ah! There we go," Hinata said happily, carrying a box over to the bed. She dumped the supplies out, sorting her kunai, ninja wire, and shuriken. "Hnnn... Which one is better," she mumbled as she held up two kinds of wire. "This brand, or the other?"
She frowned. "This brand says it holds fast... The other says it holds no matter what... This one was on sale... This one wasn't..." She smiled at the one in orange. "Mmm... I like this color though... So much... It reminds me of... Of...!"
"Hinata."
"EEP!" Hinata cried, jumping slightly. She turned around and looked at her father. "Ah... Father! H-Hello!" She hid the orange packaged ninja wire behind her with a nervous smile. Hiashi Hyuuga nodded.
"Mm... Packing for your mission, I see," he said.
"Yes father," Hinata said quickly. She shoved both wire rounds onto the scroll, and with a quick application of chakra sealed her weapons into the paper. She rolled it up and tucked it into her pack. Hiashi walked around to the far side of her bed, staring at the orange painting on her wall.
"Not another seduction mission, is it?" He asked. Hinata blushed furiously, and held her hands up.
"Ah?! What?! What do you, I-I mean, I don't know what you-!"
"Trying to rescue the Uzumaki boy from Mitarashi's clutches, correct?" Hiashi asked, still staring at the wall. Hinata coughed, and looked down. She tapped her fingers together.
"I... Well... Y-Yes..."
Hiashi nodded. "And you will do this while stuttering and looking nervous?"
"Ahhh... Well..." Hinata said, "it... It is kind of what I do..."
Hiashi looked at his daughter sternly, and she wilted. "Have you ever asked yourself why Uzumaki prefers the pink haired girl over you?"
"... A few times," Hinata admitted. "I-I guess... She's not that... Weird."
"Yes. That, and she strives to take what she wants," Hiashi said. "She moves forward, never hesitating. You must find the same fire, Hinata, and conquer Uzumaki yourself!"
"C-Conquer?" Hinata asked with an even brighter blush. Hiashi nodded solemnly.
"You know... Once, I was much like Uzumaki," he admitted. Hinata gaped.
"R-Really?!"
"Yes... I was reckless, stupid, poorly dressed," Hiashi recited. Hinata blinked. "Ignored your mother no matter how often she 'accidentally' ran into me in the shower... The hot springs..."
Hinata's jaw dropped and immediately wished her imagination was not so vivid.
"The bathroom... The kitchen wearing nothing but whipped cream..." Hiashi was looking out into space with somewhat glazed eyes.
"I-I think I get it, father," Hinata said quickly. Hiashi coughed, and regained his composure.
"Yes... You see, like Uzumaki, I was... A spirit focused entirely on the now," Hiashi explained. "Yes I had dreams, great dreams, and I worked hard to achieve them. But I did not think of building the future. Of building a home, a life with a wife and family. A powerful household. I wanted to establish myself."
"So... What did you do?" Hinata asked. Hiashi smirked.
"It was not what I did... It was what your mother did. She entered my life as though she'd always been there. Made decisions for me, and invited me to challenge her. She proved me wrong many times... More times than I would like to admit. I proved her wrong several times myself. We gave, and we took... But she had to make the first move. Had to shake me out of my..."
"... Stupidity?" Hinata asked.
"I thought you liked the boy."
Hinata's face resembled a sunset. "I... Well... Yes... But he can be a bit... Stupid."
"Yes... The right kind of stupid in some ways," Hiashi admitted. "However! If you are going to get him out of the clutches of that Mitarashi woman... You must make him think of a future. A future ruled by your mighty feminine will." Hiashi's eyes narrowed and his gaze hardened. "You must be... An Ojou-sama!"
"... A princess? I... I thought I already kind of was," Hinata said. Hiashi sighed.
"It is true, you are very princess like. I... Damnit, out! Out!" Hiashi pointed at the window. A few deer, mice, birds, bats and other assorted cute animals were gathered at the window sill. He walked over and shooed them away. "I've told you before, you can follow her around outside!"
"I'm sorry Father, I don't know why that keeps happening," Hinata admitted.
"Have you engaged in any musical numbers?" Hiashi asked sternly. The Hyuuga heiress looked aside.
"... Not... Recently...?"
"Well, you cannot just be a princess of gentleness and beauty," Hiashi said. "You must be one of strength, determination, and power! Make him recognize you as a strong kunoichi, with a future to build with, and he will not waste his time any longer with Mitarashi!"
"But... But how do I do that?" Hinata asked. Hiashi sighed, and pinched his forehead. He then reached into his robes, and pulled out a box.
"I was going to save this for your wedding night, but! I suppose the time has come," he said. He handed it to Hinata. "Here you are, Hinata. This was your mother's. Make her proud. Make me proud," he said.
Hinata blinked, and opened the box. Her eyes widened, and she reached in. She pulled out a fine coil of scented ninja rope, an elegant fan... And a riding crop?
"Ah... Father? What am I supposed to-?"
Her father was gone. Hinata blinked, and blushed...
And with a determined expression, pushed the box into her pack and slung it over her shoulders. She had a mission to complete!
- - - - - -
Naruto just keeps pulling me back in...
- - - - - -
Ino considered the task before her, and thought long and hard as she sat on her bed. All the options flashed before her eyes, and she gave each one the measure of her keen mind.
Until at last... Triumphant...
"That will work perfectly," she decided, packing the outfit from her closet. "And this one, and this one, and this one too..."
"Ino!" Her mother said angrily. Ino started, and looked over her shoulder at Akina Yamanaka.
"Ah... Yes Mom?" She asked.
"Are you out to seduce that Uzumaki boy again? With sexy cosplay?" She asked frankly.
"Ah... Well... What do you mean by seduce? And sexy...? And... With?" Ino asked, feigning innocence. Her mother's scowl deepened, and Ino wilted. "... Well..."
"Are you, or are you not?" Akina demanded. Ino sighed.
"I am..."
"Oh... Good!" Akina said with a nod. Ino blinked.
"Hwah?"
"Oh don't look at me like that, Ino," Akina chided her daughter. "You could do so much better than the last Uchiha. After all, he's just too self centered."
"Naruto isn't exactly that under confident," Ino pointed out.
"No, but he is stupid," Akina said in approval. "And very powerful."
"So... You want me to marry a brainless ninja who happens to be strong?" Ino asked flatly. "Isn't that a bit shallow?"
"I'd love for you to marry him, but at this point you're just seducing him, right?" Akina asked. "One step at a time! You can train him into a proper man if you catch him this early." She grinned and held her hands to her cheeks.
"Ah... And of course, if he'll turn out anything like his father...!"
"His father? How do you know who his father is?" Ino asked. Akina very slowly lowered her gaze to stare at Ino, and the blonde girl immediately felt extremely stupid.
"Ah. Right. We're psychics."
"Exactly," Akina said with a smile. "So by all means, go forth and enjoy yourself! Feel free to roleplay a bit! And if you don't keep him, at least he'll be broken in for some other woman!"
"That's... You're surprisingly okay with this, Mom," Ino said in some disbelief. Akina beamed cheerfully.
"Well, in our old age your father and I have started some things to spice up our bedroom life that I really wish I'd tried before-"
"Oh would you look at the time, got a mission, goodbye!" Ino cried, jumping out the window with her gear.
- - - - - -
Ino considered the task before her, and thought long and hard as she sat on her bed. All the options flashed before her eyes, and she gave each one the measure of her keen mind.
Until at last... Triumphant...
"That will work perfectly," she decided, packing the outfit from her closet. "And this one, and this one, and this one too..."
"Ino!" Her mother said angrily. Ino started, and looked over her shoulder at Akina Yamanaka.
"Ah... Yes Mom?" She asked.
"Are you out to seduce that Uzumaki boy again? With sexy cosplay?" She asked frankly.
"Ah... Well... What do you mean by seduce? And sexy...? And... With?" Ino asked, feigning innocence. Her mother's scowl deepened, and Ino wilted. "... Well..."
"Are you, or are you not?" Akina demanded. Ino sighed.
"I am..."
"Oh... Good!" Akina said with a nod. Ino blinked.
"Hwah?"
"Oh don't look at me like that, Ino," Akina chided her daughter. "You could do so much better than the last Uchiha. After all, he's just too self centered."
"Naruto isn't exactly that under confident," Ino pointed out.
"No, but he is stupid," Akina said in approval. "And very powerful."
"So... You want me to marry a brainless ninja who happens to be strong?" Ino asked flatly. "Isn't that a bit shallow?"
"I'd love for you to marry him, but at this point you're just seducing him, right?" Akina asked. "One step at a time! You can train him into a proper man if you catch him this early." She grinned and held her hands to her cheeks.
"Ah... And of course, if he'll turn out anything like his father...!"
"His father? How do you know who his father is?" Ino asked. Akina very slowly lowered her gaze to stare at Ino, and the blonde girl immediately felt extremely stupid.
"Ah. Right. We're psychics."
"Exactly," Akina said with a smile. "So by all means, go forth and enjoy yourself! Feel free to roleplay a bit! And if you don't keep him, at least he'll be broken in for some other woman!"
"That's... You're surprisingly okay with this, Mom," Ino said in some disbelief. Akina beamed cheerfully.
"Well, in our old age your father and I have started some things to spice up our bedroom life that I really wish I'd tried before-"
"Oh would you look at the time, got a mission, goodbye!" Ino cried, jumping out the window with her gear.
- - - - - -
...You know I totally forgot that Ino's family were a pack of psychics. Why in god's name did she not have a larger part in the series? Psychics can do some crazy stuff man. Like what if Ino got the power to stop all movement like Prof.X did in the movies?
Anyway, great interlude for Ino's bit. And finding out she's from a...open family does make a bit of sense...for the funny.
Dear god what are Sakura's parents like in this fic?
Anyway, great interlude for Ino's bit. And finding out she's from a...open family does make a bit of sense...for the funny.
Dear god what are Sakura's parents like in this fic?
More parts with Avenger needs to happen. You really hit gold when you crafted that persona initially in "Naruto, where art thou". Its one of the most hilarious things you've wrote.
On a side note, is ino's mom a psychic? Other than Uchiha and Hyuga the other clans seem far less likely to intermarry with relatives.
On a side note, is ino's mom a psychic? Other than Uchiha and Hyuga the other clans seem far less likely to intermarry with relatives.
Hm...awesome usage of psychic powers and the possibility of good character development and story or just what we got with Shikamaru?
...I'd have to go with the Ino on this. Not only for the stuff previously listed but for the comedy. While not like what we've gotten from Andrew, it still would've helped develop things more for part 2...maybe?
I mean come on...its psychic people reading your thoughts! Consider the comedic possibilities man! Consider it!
...I'd have to go with the Ino on this. Not only for the stuff previously listed but for the comedy. While not like what we've gotten from Andrew, it still would've helped develop things more for part 2...maybe?
I mean come on...its psychic people reading your thoughts! Consider the comedic possibilities man! Consider it!
It also didn't help that Kishimoto made it so that anybody with eye magic can just casually shatter any genjutsu not being used by somebody with equal or greater eye magic.
And that illusions of the most bullshit sort are kind of hard to put into comic form and have them look good or not annoy the reader (see: Aizen).
And that Kishimoto has a habit of coming up with bits of worldbuilding and then abandoning them without any concern for what it does to suspension of disbelief.
And that most of the characters he has as heavy genjutsu users or with the potential to do so that aren't using a Sharingan are female, which means that they can't be allowed to do anything useful.
Let's call this Exhibit #34857 on how Naruto, much like Zero no Tsukaima, is one of those cases where its potential for fanfiction has a lot to do with how thoroughly all of the interesting bits of its canon were squandered.
And that illusions of the most bullshit sort are kind of hard to put into comic form and have them look good or not annoy the reader (see: Aizen).
And that Kishimoto has a habit of coming up with bits of worldbuilding and then abandoning them without any concern for what it does to suspension of disbelief.
And that most of the characters he has as heavy genjutsu users or with the potential to do so that aren't using a Sharingan are female, which means that they can't be allowed to do anything useful.
Let's call this Exhibit #34857 on how Naruto, much like Zero no Tsukaima, is one of those cases where its potential for fanfiction has a lot to do with how thoroughly all of the interesting bits of its canon were squandered.