Naruto Intervention
- Thread starter Andrew Joshua Talon
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The Archfiend of Lightning said:
Seeing this again brought stars to my eyes. I needed a good laugh. Thanks for the spacebattles link as well.
(Even though I know it wont since this is the misunderstandingfic, I would love to see spinoffs in the lemon section.
)
(Even though I know it wont since this is the misunderstandingfic, I would love to see spinoffs in the lemon section.
)
Now, enjoy my favorite recent snippet for the story.
Chapter the second in full!
- - - - -
Sakura looked around the committee she had gathered to deal with this situation. Ayame and the whole of the Konoha Eleven were present except for Naruto, for obvious reasons, Ino, for slightly vague reasons, and Lee, who had gone to retrieve Ino. Kakashi, Asuma, and Kurenai were also present though their attitudes on this ranged from completely apathetic to mildly inconvenienced to wondering why the FUCK was she suffering being in the same darkened room as Asuma?
Yeah, the two of them were currently off in their off and on thing.
Oh, Jiraiya was present as well, taking notes in his handy-dandy notebook.
"All right!" Sakura declared. "Naruto is being used and enslaved by one Anko Mitarashi! You all know who she is, and what she's capable of!"
Shino's well hidden expression did little to hide his annoyance. "I don't see why this should concern any of us." It also allowed him to hide his fear at Hinata's spike of killing intent.
"Yeah, I mean, old enough to be ninja, old enough to-URK!" Kiba was cut off by Hinata shifting her killing intent to him. Akamaru even whimpered and hid deeper in Kiba's jacket.
Shikamaru got up. "Welp, I'm out. Let me know when something serious is going on."
"THIS IS SERIOUS!" Sakura snapped at him. "If any of us were twisted into someone's sex slave, you KNOW Naruto would save YOU!"
"Yes, he would!" Ayame agreed.
Asuma hummed. "But what if you didn't want to be saved?"
Sakura shook her head. "You think you wouldn't but you wouldn't be able to see, objectively, how you were being abused, used and defiled!"
Asuma nodded towards Kurenai. "I'm well aware of what that's like."
Kurenai slapped Asuma so hard that the cigarette hanging from his mouth landed in Kakashi's hair. Chouji winced at this.
"Furthermore this is Naruto, who is as dense as a neutron star, we're talking about," Sakura went on.
"What's a Neutron Star?" Kiba asked.
His query went ignored.
"She's right," Kurenai said, "he probably doesn't realize he's being used. We need to do something."
Hinata could not have loved her teacher more than this moment.
"But what can we do?" Tenten, whom everyone had forgotten was in the room, asked.
"Why don't we figure out what would cause Naruto to gravitate towards Mitarashi-sensei in the first place?" Neji, whom everyone had known was in the room, suggested.
"It's easy to figure out what happened..." Sakura sighed melodramatically. "Poor Naruto, who had to deal with a CERTAIN TEAMMATE WHO IS A JERK!"
She pointed at Sasuke.
"And had been cruelly rejected by his LAZY ASS TEACHER..."
She pointed at Kakashi, who calmly looked up from his ever-present copy of Icha Icha to drolly respond:
"Hey. Older women put hair on a man's chest."
Sasuke looked in Kurenai's direction at this, and began overtly checking her out.
Sakura whacked them both over the head, subsequently putting out the fire that the lit cigarette that had started in Kakashi's hair. "AND BECAUSE OF THEIR BAD INFLUENCES, HE FELL RIGHT IN WITH THE DEVIANT, PREDATORY SNAKE WOMAN!"
Kiba rolled his eyes. "I agree with Shino, how is this any concern to us? If Naruto wants to hook up with a hot older woman, than who are we to-"
He suddenly fell face first to the ground, unconscious. Everyone looked from the unconscious dog-themed nin to Hinata, as the murderous stare she'd given Kiba disappeared in lieu of her usual reserved, if a bit anxious, expression.
Neji cleared his throat as Kiba regained consciousness and got back up. "This is precisely why we must intervene."
Chouji continued to preoccupy his mouth with shoving loads of chips into it. Shikamaru had been gone for about three minutes now.
"The worst of it all is that he was allowed to be trained by a complete and total pervert who is happy to enable all of this!"
All eyes went to Jiraiya, who didn't seem the least bit put off by the accusation. "If the sandal fits, but Sakura-chan, you're forgetting a particular element in your theory of debaucherization."
"Oh?" Sakura glared at Jiraiya.
"Well, you're a violent maniac who at the very least regularly hit Naruto for the crime of not being Sasuke," Jiraiya pointed out.
"Yes, he has a point," Kakashi added.
Kurenai nodded. "Yes."
"Yep," Asuma said as he rubbed his jaw.
"You did haul off on him a lot, I thought it was funny at first but damn," Sasuke contributed.
"Yeah! You're the one always beating him up when he asks you out on a date!" Kiba's voice was strangely high pitched.
Hinata nodded in agreement.
"She probably turned him into a masochist," Tenten surmised.
Shino agreed with Tenten's hypothesis. "It looks like it to me."
"What?! I-I did not!" Sakura denied.
Kurenai hummed. "Perhaps that's why she took interest in him.: Anko loves inflicting pain, too. She probably saw how Naruto soaked it all up and got ideas."
Tenten folded her arms and smirked. "I bet, Sakura's probably just upset she didn't get to turn Naruto into her lowly dog first."
Sakura recoiled at the accusation, but it was Kiba who took the most offense.
"Hey!"
Tenten smiled weakly. "No offense, Kiba, Akamaru."
Akamaru happily barked, [I would be your dog any day, meat buns.]
Tenten looked to Kiba. "What'd he say?"
"H-he says you have very nice hair."
Tenten beamed and cuddled Akamaru. "Oh, thank you!"
"LOOK! This is TOTALLY not my fault!" Sakura defended.
"But it is, just said it was," Sasuke pointed out.
Sakura recoiled. "I... it...!"
"Ha! Trying to cast the blame on others!" Kiba accused.
"Knew she was a pervert," Kakashi said from behind his book.
Sakura quickly tried to get the program back on track. "LOOK! Regardless of how it happened, we need to stop this from continuing! Naruto's being taken advantage of and I think we need to stage an intervention!"
"What about Mitarashi?" Neji asked.
"She'll find some other boy to do things to for her personal amusement if she can't have Naruto," Kurenai assured.
Sasuke began to deliberate how to catch her on that particular rebound. He might need to ask Kakashi for tips. Or hell, even Jiraiya. After all, look at what he'd done for Naruto.
At that moment, Lee arrived, with Ino in tow. The green clad genin smiled cheerfully as he came before Sakura. Ino was wearing a blush on her cheeks, and a smile too.
"Sakura-san! I have retrieved Ino-san!" Lee reported. Sakura nodded.
"Good work Lee! Ino, we could really use your help."
"Yes, have the girl you constantly and sexily feud with here to prove you're not a pervert," Kakashi commented.
"I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!" Sakura snarled.
"Don't deny your feelings," Kakashi said, turning a page in his book.
"You're fantasizing over your student?!" Kurenai demanded. Kakashi shrugged.
"Not her. When she's legal. You have seen her mom, right Asuma?"
"I'm with Kakashi," Asuma said. At Kurenai's glare, he shrugged. "What? We're off right now."
"I keep forgetting," Kurenai mumbled. "Keep this up and we're not likely to ever get back on. Jackass."
"Ino! Did you find Naruto? Is he okay?" Ayame asked, trying frantically to get things back on track. Ino giggled.
"Oh... He's very okay... And he's quite the kisser, too."
Dead silence fell upon the entire meeting as a hideous killing intent fell upon them all. Kurenai stole one of Asuma's cigarettes, lit it off Kakashi's burning hair and took a long drag. Ino slowly looked over at Hinata, who was staring intently at Ino.
There didn't seem to be anything unusual about that. Hinata's expression was one of mild disapproval and anxiety. Which again, seemed perfectly normal... right up until you realized that her Byakugan had silently activated and waves of killing intent were pouring off of her. Those closest flinched as the heavy waves pulsed... all gathering to be directed at Ino.
Ino, noticing the sudden silence and the strange feel of impending doom, snapped out of her happy daze and began to say, "Um... I mean..."
"You..." Hinata said mildly, but the words fell like metal slabs slamming into place, sealing one's doom.
"Oh shit," Sakura muttered. She leaped in front of Hinata and formed a handseal in front of her face. "Sexy Jutsu: Naruto Edition!"
POOF! Sakura's form vanished in a cloud of smoke, and was replaced by a grinning, winking, nude Naruto Uzumaki. Hinata gasped.
"Oh my... Yes...!" She fainted dead away, her skin burning pure red. Shino thoughtfully caught her.
"Mmm," Ino hummed, covering her cheeks.
"Huh. That's a remarkably accurate henge of a naked Naruto," Sasuke said. At the looks of everyone else, he shrugged. "What?"
Sakura released the henge, and blushed. "Er, well..."
"She must have studied him... Quite extensively," Shino observed.
"N-No! I haven't!" Sakura insisted.
"This really explains all the hitting you know. You're denying your own attraction so you sublimate it into violence. Classic, really," Jiraiya observed, still taking down notes for his handy-dandy notebook.
"I'm the one you fangirl, and yet you know his nude body better than mine?" Sasuke asked in some disbelief. Sakura shook her head.
"Don't say that Sasuke! I know every inch of your body intimately too!"
"... Seriously creeped out now," Kiba commented, having just now woken up.
"What? I get bored!" Sakura insisted. She shot a deadly glare at Kakashi, whose hair was still on fire. "You haven't trained me in anything except for tree walking! Maybe if you gave me more meaningful work to do I wouldn't have to be..." Here Sakura blushed. "Bored!"
" I dunno, that's pretty good observation training," Kakashi observed. "Can you prove that you-"
Sasuke, seeing where this was going, immediately objected.
"Hey! No, don't-!"
"Sexy Jutsu: Sasuke Edition!" Sakura cried, poofing into the form of her crush.
"Ooh... Nice," Tenten said with a grin.
"Not bad," Ino said, with a shrug. Sasuke facepalmed.
"WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR STUDENTS KAKASHI!?" Kurenai demanded. Jiraiya turned to the gray haired Jounin and smiled.
"You've done well."
Kakashi's hair went out and he just smiled.
"Of course, my master..."
"Geez man, you are pale," Kiba observed, tilting his head. "Do you like, ever see the sun?"
"Yosh! Being so pale is unhealthy, Sasuke-san!" Lee cried. "Perhaps I could suggest a training method for-"
"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS?" Sasuke burst out. Sakura poofed back into herself, and cleared her throat.
"Yes! Thank you, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said. "Ahem. Ino, you say you... Kissed Naruto?"
"I... I didn't mean to," Ino admitted. "I just thought-"
"That by seducing him away from Anko, you might get him free of her nefarious influence?" Sakura asked. Ino slowly nodded.
"Sure! Let's go with that!"
"Ah, I'm afraid one woman will not be enough to overcome Anko Mitarashi's sexiness," Jiraiya intoned, suddenly deep and serious. Kakashi nodded.
"If you are to overcome Anko Mitarashi, you must out sexy her."
"Impossible," Sasuke said dismissively. "No woman here could match her sexiness."
"I will have to concur." Shino said dryly.
"You have much to learn of sexiness, my young apprentice," Kakashi said to Sasuke, giving Ayame an appreciative look. Ayame blushed and fiddled with her hair. Sasuke turned to Kakashi with some new respect in his eyes.
"Of course, my master..."
"But! If you must challenge her sexiness, and 'rescue' Naruto" Jiraiya said, "it will require a proper ninja seduction team! Flat Pink Haired Tsundere, Shy Big Boobie Hyuuga Girl, and Sexy Blonde must join together!"
"I'm all for that!" Ino said.
"Yay," Hinata mumbled from her place on the floor, slowly roused from consciousness.
"I am NOT tsundere!" Sakura growled.
"Funny she'll only deny that," Kiba noted. Shino nodded.
"What about Sexy Ramen Girl?" Ayame asked. Sasuke immediately shook his head.
"There's no need for Sexy Ramen Girl. It would only overwhelm him."
"Also, I'm afraid that you give off 'big-sister' vibes that would be attempting to run directly counter to the 'naughty big sister' vibes Anko is using," Jiraiya said. "Throws the whole thing right off!"
"But maybe my sexy vibes could overwhelm hers with the right support," Ayame insisted. Kakashi shook his head.
"Sorry Ayame. You're not ninja enough for it."
"This is discrimination!" Ayame complained.
"Hm... Yes, it is," Kakashi said. "Don't worry though-We'll have a use for you in his post-trauma therapy."
At Ayame's smile, Kakashi looked over at Sasuke with a look that was... difficult to read, but might possibly have been interpreted as, "I'm trying to save this one for you, my apprentice."
This completely went over Sasuke's head, of course.
"But we'll need every advantage to overcome Anko's sexiness!" Insisted Sakura. "As much as I want to deny it, we'll have to in order to break him out of his chains!"
"Ah... Excuse my ignorance, Sakura-san, but I am a bit confused. Why is this meeting going on, anyway?" Lee asked.
"Oh... Um... Well," Sakura began, trying to find a way to break it to Lee gently.
"Naruto is the sex slave of Anko Mitarashi," Chouji said. Sakura glared at him, as Lee gasped.
"Ah?! That's what they're doing?!" He cried.
"I didn't even know he knew where babies come from," Kiba muttered. Neji adopted a haunted expression.
"He knows... Gai-sensei took us through the lessons himself," the Hyuuga boy mumbled, pushing his fingers together in a distinctly Hinata-like gesture. Tenten rolled her eyes.
"Prude," she huffed.
"Deviant," Neji muttered back.
"Then that means..." Lee's eyes bulged. His hands went to the sides of his head. "Ah! AHHH! OH NO!"
"What Lee? What?" Sakura asked.
"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried. "MY BELOVED GAI-SENSEI IS IN MITARASHI-SAN'S CLUTCHES AS WELL!"
Kakashi's visible eye bulged. Neji fainted in much the same manner as his cousin. Tenten gaped. Hinata gasped, still on the floor. Sasuke considered his kunai as a tool for gouging his eyes out, as everyone else reacted in an appropriately shocked or horrified manner.
… Save for Jiraiya, who was busily writing away.
"Well! That settles it!" Sakura said, standing a bit taller. "We need to save Naruto... and Gai-sensei!"
"Do we have to?" Neji asked.
"Yes!" Kakashi insisted. "We cannot allow him to enjoy-Er, suffer any longer than we have to!"
Kakashi received more than a few weird looks from the others, but he was used to it.
"All right!" Sakura said, pumping her fist. "I've got a plan! Hinata, Ino and myself will handle Naruto-"
"Yay," Hinata repeated softly. Ino echoed her with a broad grin.
"While someone will have to distract Anko," Sakura said.
"YOSH! I shall bravely-!" Lee began, but Tenten immediately covered his mouth.
"You'll thank me later... Or curse me," Tenten said. Lee's eyes bulged.
"Mmph?!"
"You have to save Gai-sensei, Lee," Kiba explained. "Don't take it personally!"
"Yeah," Chouji said.
"So... Do we have any volunteers?" Sakura asked, standing primly. There was a split second of silence.
"Not it!" Kiba, Shino, Neji, Asuma, and Chouji said as one.
"Not it!" Kurenai contributed a moment later. Kakashi and Asuma both looked a bit disappointed. Kurenai shot them deadly looks.
"Not it!" Ayame said, after a moment's thought. Jiraiya looked a bit disappointed. Ayame just blushed a bit and shrugged.
"Not-mmph!" Sasuke tried, but his mouth was covered by Kakashi's hand.
"Well, I'd say that's unanimous," Kurenai observed with a dry look at Kakashi. "Uchiha-san will handle Anko."
"NO!" Sakura gasped. "HELL NO! I WILL DISTRACT ANKO!"
"While that would be sexy and amusing," Jiraiya observed, "as the person who brought Naruto to this point, shouldn't you be the one to bring him out?"
"You'd think she'd do more penance being the target," Shino observed. Chouji shook his head.
"She'd probably like it."
"True," Shino admitted.
"I WOULD NOT!" Snarled Sakura.
"Sensei," Sasuke growled. Kakashi just gave his student an eye smile, and a wink. Sasuke frowned, thought about it... Shrugged.
"Eh. The idiot will owe me afterwards," Sasuke said. Sakura glomped onto him.
"Oh Sasuke! You're so brave!"
"Yeah, that's the word," Kiba snarked.
- - - - -
The next morning Ino, Sakura and Hinata met in a grove of trees across the road from Anko's place. Sakura pulled out photos from her equipment pouch and set them on the ground.
"All right, these are all the photos of Anko's house I was able to obtain."
"What's this photo of Itachi Uchiha in the shower doing-"
"Ah, eheh, blackmail material," Sakura said, yanking that photo and holding it to her chest.
"Doesn't Sasuke hate his brother with the fire of a thousand suns?" Ino asked.
"HE'S STILL HOT!" Sakura growled, holding up the photo defensively. "Seriously, look how hot he is!"
"How did you get this anyway? He's an S-Ranked super ninja," Hinata said.
"I'm just that good," Sakura said with a smirk. "... That and he didn't seem to really care..."
"Sakura's deviancy aside," Ino said, ignoring Sakura's squawk of indignation, "I think our best bet is to just let me go in. I've already got a relationship established with him."
"So d-do I!" Hinata insisted. Ino smirked a bit and pulled up her top, revealing something sexy and lacy.
Nice, Inner Sakura said.
"I came prepared," Ino purred. Hinata scowled (though it was more like a pout) and opened her jacket, revealing something rather... Silky.
"M-Me too," she said.
"I did kiss him," Ino said. Hinata's eyes gained that frightening intensity from last night.
"So did Sasuke," commented Shikamaru, who had appeared out of nowhere. "Not exactly something to be proud of."
"Shut up Sh-Shikamaru!" Ino and Hinata snarled, though Hinata was the one with the stutter. Shikamaru shrugged and walked off, hands in his pockets.
"Why exactly do you stutter so much anyway?" Sakura asked. Hinata coughed.
"Um... I have a speech impediment that-that flares up when I'm nervous... V-Very nervous..."
"Or aroused, right?" Asked Sakura, sniffing significantly. Hinata's skin turned bright red and she closed her jacket.
"Um... I-I could do it... S-S-Seduce him, I mean," she said. Ino laughed.
"You can barely say the word! How could you go through with it?"
"A... A... R-Ramen bikini," Hinata said with a touch of defiance. Sakura snorted.
"Anyone could seduce Naruto with a ramen bikini. Lee could seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini!"
Ino shuddered. Hinata covered her face up.
Ooh, Mama like, Inner Sakura said.
Shut up! Sakura growled mentally.
"I-I am the only one who is going to s-s-seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini... S-Since I have it," Hinata managed. Ino sniffed.
"Hey! I would look good in a ramen bikini too!" Ino insisted. Hinata glared, rather cutely.
"N-Not with both l-legs broken you wouldn't," she said flatly.
Sakura sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "You two are seriously fighting over who gets to seduce him?" Sakura gulped at the twin glares sent her way from Ino and Hinata, and edged away.
Don't take that from them! Fight for your right to wear pasta for seduction purposes! Inner Sakura cried. Mmm... And maybe for the right to eat it off their naked bodies if Naruto doesn't want all of it-
"Ramen bikinis are impractical anyway," Sakura said quickly. "You wouldn't be able to keep the broth on."
"You'd need a small swimming pool of broth, for it to work," Ino noted.
"See? Impractical." Sakura replied. "Jiraiya-sama was right-We need to do this together!"
"Y-Yes... As a pr-proper... S-Seduction team!" Hinata managed. Ino gasped and clapped her hands together.
"And I know just how to accomplish it!" She said with a grin. Sakura blinked.
"How?"
"Sexy cosplay!" Ino said with a grin. Sakura blinked again.
"... You're kidding right?"
I like her! She will be the first I fist! Inner Sakura cried.
Shut up!
- - - - - -
Meanwhile, across the road, Sasuke, Lee, Chouji, Shino, Kiba and Neji were watching the house of Anko Mitarashi with several different emotions. Ranging from Sasuke's determined expression, to Lee's game day face, to Chouji's "What is for Dinner?" expression, Neji's "Why am I here?" expression to Shino and Kiba's "We hope to see Sasuke Uchiha suffer incredible torment" faces.
Needless to say Sasuke was putting Shino and Kiba on his "Revenge List" right after Itachi (for obvious reasons), Itachi's shark boyfriend (for equally obvious reasons) and Naruto. Primarily for being so lucky... And that damn sexy jutsu...
Honestly, it was just not fair. Naruto had power, endurance, understood Sasuke perfectly, was scary good at accounting... Why couldn't he have been born a girl?
Not that Sasuke had sexual lust for men, thank you very much. He had enough trouble dodging his fangirls. But it was entirely unfair that someone who, if he was a bit older and a girl would be prime Uchiha Matriarch material. Visions of Super Uchihas danced through his head, with Naruto's unnatural endurance and his Sharingan. A bouncy, boobalicious blonde wife tending to a whole flock of Uchihas. A flock!
But no. He had to be a stupid guy and he had to have gone and gotten entrapped by Anko Mitarashi, a super babe and potential Uchiha Matriarch (well maybe if she mellowed out a little). And he had to go "rescue" him. It was the height of unfairness.
Especially the not being born a girl thing...
"Sasuke-san? Are you all right?" Lee asked.
"I was not wishing Naruto could be born a girl so I could fuck her awesome tits!" Sasuke growled.
Dead silence.
Kiba sighed, and handed over some money to a very smug looking Shino. Sasuke buried his face in his hands. Lee coughed and looked up at the sky.
"I cannot hear anything you said, Friend Sasuke! Nothing at all! What was that? I heard nothing! NOTHING!"
"I'll just... Go get myself killed now," Sasuke said.
"I hope it's quick," Chouji said, munching on chips.
"I don't," Neji growled.
- - - - -
Naruto emerged from Anko's home, looking a bit worn out. His clothing was rumpled and there were bags under his eyes. He yawned and stretched his hands up over his head.
"Uwahhh... Man, that was exhausting," Naruto said. He grinned. "It was awesome though!" He turned around and waved. "See you later, Anko-nee-chan!"
"Oh? Just later?" Anko called through the door. "But there are so many fun things we could do~..."
"Nah! I'm tired," Naruto said. "But you can keep going with Super Fuzzy Brows-sensei!"
"True, true, but you are a lot more fun," Anko called.
"I take offense to that, Anko-san!" Cried Gai. "I am incredibly fun!"
"Mm... You two could always compete for my favor," Anko said, a smirk in her voice. Naruto grinned.
"Compete? Would you teach me something cool if I won?"
"Oh, I can think of a few things," Anko practically crooned. Naruto grinned and rubbed the back of his head.
"Okay!"
- - - - -
"He's come out," hissed Sakura. She looked in the direction of the bush the boys were hiding in, and made several hand signals. Ino and Hinata stared at this.
"... What... What is that?" Ino asked.
"Sign language," Sakura said with a smirk. "ANBU Sign Language! I'm telling them to launch their distraction the moment we grab Naruto."
"And who of them would know this? Or... See it?" Ino asked.
"Well, Neji would see it," Sakura said. "And a smart guy like that should know ANBU sign language, right?"
"Not really," Hinata said. "They don't teach you that until you get into ANBU."
"Then... Then what did Kakashi teach me...?" Sakura asked.
- - - - -
"'I... Am a sexually repressed... Harridan?'" Neji read.
"Well we know that," Kiba said, "but what about Sakura?"
"I'm going to kill you, Inuzuka," Neji growled.
- - - - -
"Okay okay okay!" Sakura growled, waving her hands. "I'll just tell him the plan and he'll read my lips. Ahem. 'We'll grab Naruto, you take care of Anko.'"
Sakura looked over at Hinata, who had her own Byakugan on. "He get that?"
Hinata nodded. "He's nodding..."
"Good," Sakura said. She sighed. "Honestly, your cousin is such a great guy... Why couldn't we have sent him in to distract Anko?"
Hinata blushed. "Er... He's making another signal."
"What? What is it?" Sakura said.
"I think he can read your lips," Hinata said. "He's making a hand sign back."
"What does it mean?" Sakura asked, as Hinata coughed. Ino smirked.
"I can guess..."
Sakura rolled her eyes. "All right, all right... Distraction Team... Go!"
- - - - -
"She says go," Neji said blandly. Sasuke frowned.
"Do I have to?"
"You could stay here, but you'd begin to resemble a girl so much I'd wonder if you knew Naruto's Sexy Jutsu," Shino said. Sasuke glared death at him.
"How do you know I-... Goddamnit!"
"This is just not your day, huh Sasuke?" Chouji asked, chewing on some popcorn.
"All of you. Revenge list. Right after Itachi," Sasuke growled.
"I'm gonna lose so much sleep over that," Kiba jeered.
"Come!" Lee cried, unable to restrain himself any more. "We must leap in and save my sensei from Anko-san! Quickly Sasuke-san, go in! Be distracting!"
"Okay, how?" Sasuke asked flatly. Lee gripped Sasuke's shoulders. "Uwah?"
"My apologies, Sasuke-san," Lee said solemnly. "FOR GAI-SENSEI!" He spun around on one foot, and threw the shocked Uchiha survivor at the house.
"AAAHHH!" He cried.
Naruto looked down at the ground, and grinned as he bent over. "Hey! A ryo!"
WHAM!
Naruto stood up and stared in disbelief at Sasuke, who was sliding down the front door of the house. "Sasuke? What are you doing here?!"
"Urgh... Why couldn't you be born a girl...?" Sasuke moaned. Naruto blinked.
"... Sasuke, are you drunk?"
"NOW!" Sakura shouted. Three cloaked figured leaped out of the trees and grabbed Naruto's shoulders and waist. His eyes widened, surprised.
"Huh?! What the-" They vanished in a burst of smoke, leaving Sasuke to get back to his feet and groan. He rubbed his face.
"'Distraction Team duty sucks..."
"Naruto-kun? What's going-Oh!"
Sasuke gulped, and turned around. His face, red from the impact against the door, turned scarlet when he got a look at Anko's attire.
Or rather, the lack thereof. She adjusted her apron (the only article of clothing she wore, save for her sandals) as she eyed Sasuke. She glanced down at her body, and then back at Sasuke. She smirked.
"Well... Well... Well... Aren't you getting an eyeful?"
Mommy...!
- - - - - -
In a clearing some distance away...
Naruto groaned as he sat up and rubbed his head. "Man, what the hell was that? Why did I-AH!"
Sakura stood over him, flanked on either side by Ino and Hinata. All three wore cloaks, that waved in a dramatic breeze. Sakura glared down at him.
"Naruto..."
"Look, whatever happened I didn't do it! I have an alibi!" Naruto insisted.
"You're not in trouble, Naruto! Well, not with us," Sakura said. Naruto looked up at her curiously.
"Then why are you looking so intimidating?"
"I'm not intimidating!" Sakura insisted. "This is how I normally look!"
"Yeah, that's why you're intimidating," Ino giggled.
"H-He has a point," Hinata said. "You are kind of scary..."
"I AM NOT SCARY!" Sakura snarled. Naruto covered his head with his arms.
"Don't kill me! Whatever I did I didn't do it!"
Sakura took a deep breath to calm herself, and lowered her clenched fist. "Right... Naruto! We are, in actual fact, saving you."
"Saving me?" Naruto asked. He looked over at Ino, who was blushing. "Hey! I don't need saving! What did you tell her, huh?"
"Don't be upset with her, Naruto! She's just worried about you!" Sakura said. She shook her fist. "Stop being such an insensitive twat!"
"Um, Sakura...?" Hinata warned. Sakura lowered her fist again and sighed.
"Right... Look. Naruto? This is an intervention!"
"Um... Sakura? One moment?" Ino asked. Sakura sighed and the three girls huddled.
"I thought this was a seduction mission?" Hinata muttered, blushing bright red as Ino followed suit. Sakura shook her head.
"We're going to try the intervention first. Then..." She sighed in exasperation. "We can try it..."
"All right! Let's get the intervention stuff out of the way quickly so we can get to the good part!" Ino said eagerly. Hinata glared at her. Ino just smirked back.
"What are you guys talking about?" Naruto asked, trying to peek over Sakura's shoulder. Sakura's fist hit him square in the face in a Offhand Backhand that would have done Batman proud. Naruto slammed into a nearby tree. "GWAH!"
"SAKURA!" Ino shouted. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Sorry, sorry! Force of habit!" Sakura apologized.
"You need to break that habit..." Hinata said, in a tone that implied 'Before I break you.' Sakura gulped.
"Right, right..."
- - - - -
Yeah, I have no idea how this is going to end. Well actually I do.
"And then they all fucked. The end!"
But not yet...
- - - - -
Sakura looked around the committee she had gathered to deal with this situation. Ayame and the whole of the Konoha Eleven were present except for Naruto, for obvious reasons, Ino, for slightly vague reasons, and Lee, who had gone to retrieve Ino. Kakashi, Asuma, and Kurenai were also present though their attitudes on this ranged from completely apathetic to mildly inconvenienced to wondering why the FUCK was she suffering being in the same darkened room as Asuma?
Yeah, the two of them were currently off in their off and on thing.
Oh, Jiraiya was present as well, taking notes in his handy-dandy notebook.
"All right!" Sakura declared. "Naruto is being used and enslaved by one Anko Mitarashi! You all know who she is, and what she's capable of!"
Shino's well hidden expression did little to hide his annoyance. "I don't see why this should concern any of us." It also allowed him to hide his fear at Hinata's spike of killing intent.
"Yeah, I mean, old enough to be ninja, old enough to-URK!" Kiba was cut off by Hinata shifting her killing intent to him. Akamaru even whimpered and hid deeper in Kiba's jacket.
Shikamaru got up. "Welp, I'm out. Let me know when something serious is going on."
"THIS IS SERIOUS!" Sakura snapped at him. "If any of us were twisted into someone's sex slave, you KNOW Naruto would save YOU!"
"Yes, he would!" Ayame agreed.
Asuma hummed. "But what if you didn't want to be saved?"
Sakura shook her head. "You think you wouldn't but you wouldn't be able to see, objectively, how you were being abused, used and defiled!"
Asuma nodded towards Kurenai. "I'm well aware of what that's like."
Kurenai slapped Asuma so hard that the cigarette hanging from his mouth landed in Kakashi's hair. Chouji winced at this.
"Furthermore this is Naruto, who is as dense as a neutron star, we're talking about," Sakura went on.
"What's a Neutron Star?" Kiba asked.
His query went ignored.
"She's right," Kurenai said, "he probably doesn't realize he's being used. We need to do something."
Hinata could not have loved her teacher more than this moment.
"But what can we do?" Tenten, whom everyone had forgotten was in the room, asked.
"Why don't we figure out what would cause Naruto to gravitate towards Mitarashi-sensei in the first place?" Neji, whom everyone had known was in the room, suggested.
"It's easy to figure out what happened..." Sakura sighed melodramatically. "Poor Naruto, who had to deal with a CERTAIN TEAMMATE WHO IS A JERK!"
She pointed at Sasuke.
"And had been cruelly rejected by his LAZY ASS TEACHER..."
She pointed at Kakashi, who calmly looked up from his ever-present copy of Icha Icha to drolly respond:
"Hey. Older women put hair on a man's chest."
Sasuke looked in Kurenai's direction at this, and began overtly checking her out.
Sakura whacked them both over the head, subsequently putting out the fire that the lit cigarette that had started in Kakashi's hair. "AND BECAUSE OF THEIR BAD INFLUENCES, HE FELL RIGHT IN WITH THE DEVIANT, PREDATORY SNAKE WOMAN!"
Kiba rolled his eyes. "I agree with Shino, how is this any concern to us? If Naruto wants to hook up with a hot older woman, than who are we to-"
He suddenly fell face first to the ground, unconscious. Everyone looked from the unconscious dog-themed nin to Hinata, as the murderous stare she'd given Kiba disappeared in lieu of her usual reserved, if a bit anxious, expression.
Neji cleared his throat as Kiba regained consciousness and got back up. "This is precisely why we must intervene."
Chouji continued to preoccupy his mouth with shoving loads of chips into it. Shikamaru had been gone for about three minutes now.
"The worst of it all is that he was allowed to be trained by a complete and total pervert who is happy to enable all of this!"
All eyes went to Jiraiya, who didn't seem the least bit put off by the accusation. "If the sandal fits, but Sakura-chan, you're forgetting a particular element in your theory of debaucherization."
"Oh?" Sakura glared at Jiraiya.
"Well, you're a violent maniac who at the very least regularly hit Naruto for the crime of not being Sasuke," Jiraiya pointed out.
"Yes, he has a point," Kakashi added.
Kurenai nodded. "Yes."
"Yep," Asuma said as he rubbed his jaw.
"You did haul off on him a lot, I thought it was funny at first but damn," Sasuke contributed.
"Yeah! You're the one always beating him up when he asks you out on a date!" Kiba's voice was strangely high pitched.
Hinata nodded in agreement.
"She probably turned him into a masochist," Tenten surmised.
Shino agreed with Tenten's hypothesis. "It looks like it to me."
"What?! I-I did not!" Sakura denied.
Kurenai hummed. "Perhaps that's why she took interest in him.: Anko loves inflicting pain, too. She probably saw how Naruto soaked it all up and got ideas."
Tenten folded her arms and smirked. "I bet, Sakura's probably just upset she didn't get to turn Naruto into her lowly dog first."
Sakura recoiled at the accusation, but it was Kiba who took the most offense.
"Hey!"
Tenten smiled weakly. "No offense, Kiba, Akamaru."
Akamaru happily barked, [I would be your dog any day, meat buns.]
Tenten looked to Kiba. "What'd he say?"
"H-he says you have very nice hair."
Tenten beamed and cuddled Akamaru. "Oh, thank you!"
"LOOK! This is TOTALLY not my fault!" Sakura defended.
"But it is, just said it was," Sasuke pointed out.
Sakura recoiled. "I... it...!"
"Ha! Trying to cast the blame on others!" Kiba accused.
"Knew she was a pervert," Kakashi said from behind his book.
Sakura quickly tried to get the program back on track. "LOOK! Regardless of how it happened, we need to stop this from continuing! Naruto's being taken advantage of and I think we need to stage an intervention!"
"What about Mitarashi?" Neji asked.
"She'll find some other boy to do things to for her personal amusement if she can't have Naruto," Kurenai assured.
Sasuke began to deliberate how to catch her on that particular rebound. He might need to ask Kakashi for tips. Or hell, even Jiraiya. After all, look at what he'd done for Naruto.
At that moment, Lee arrived, with Ino in tow. The green clad genin smiled cheerfully as he came before Sakura. Ino was wearing a blush on her cheeks, and a smile too.
"Sakura-san! I have retrieved Ino-san!" Lee reported. Sakura nodded.
"Good work Lee! Ino, we could really use your help."
"Yes, have the girl you constantly and sexily feud with here to prove you're not a pervert," Kakashi commented.
"I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!" Sakura snarled.
"Don't deny your feelings," Kakashi said, turning a page in his book.
"You're fantasizing over your student?!" Kurenai demanded. Kakashi shrugged.
"Not her. When she's legal. You have seen her mom, right Asuma?"
"I'm with Kakashi," Asuma said. At Kurenai's glare, he shrugged. "What? We're off right now."
"I keep forgetting," Kurenai mumbled. "Keep this up and we're not likely to ever get back on. Jackass."
"Ino! Did you find Naruto? Is he okay?" Ayame asked, trying frantically to get things back on track. Ino giggled.
"Oh... He's very okay... And he's quite the kisser, too."
Dead silence fell upon the entire meeting as a hideous killing intent fell upon them all. Kurenai stole one of Asuma's cigarettes, lit it off Kakashi's burning hair and took a long drag. Ino slowly looked over at Hinata, who was staring intently at Ino.
There didn't seem to be anything unusual about that. Hinata's expression was one of mild disapproval and anxiety. Which again, seemed perfectly normal... right up until you realized that her Byakugan had silently activated and waves of killing intent were pouring off of her. Those closest flinched as the heavy waves pulsed... all gathering to be directed at Ino.
Ino, noticing the sudden silence and the strange feel of impending doom, snapped out of her happy daze and began to say, "Um... I mean..."
"You..." Hinata said mildly, but the words fell like metal slabs slamming into place, sealing one's doom.
"Oh shit," Sakura muttered. She leaped in front of Hinata and formed a handseal in front of her face. "Sexy Jutsu: Naruto Edition!"
POOF! Sakura's form vanished in a cloud of smoke, and was replaced by a grinning, winking, nude Naruto Uzumaki. Hinata gasped.
"Oh my... Yes...!" She fainted dead away, her skin burning pure red. Shino thoughtfully caught her.
"Mmm," Ino hummed, covering her cheeks.
"Huh. That's a remarkably accurate henge of a naked Naruto," Sasuke said. At the looks of everyone else, he shrugged. "What?"
Sakura released the henge, and blushed. "Er, well..."
"She must have studied him... Quite extensively," Shino observed.
"N-No! I haven't!" Sakura insisted.
"This really explains all the hitting you know. You're denying your own attraction so you sublimate it into violence. Classic, really," Jiraiya observed, still taking down notes for his handy-dandy notebook.
"I'm the one you fangirl, and yet you know his nude body better than mine?" Sasuke asked in some disbelief. Sakura shook her head.
"Don't say that Sasuke! I know every inch of your body intimately too!"
"... Seriously creeped out now," Kiba commented, having just now woken up.
"What? I get bored!" Sakura insisted. She shot a deadly glare at Kakashi, whose hair was still on fire. "You haven't trained me in anything except for tree walking! Maybe if you gave me more meaningful work to do I wouldn't have to be..." Here Sakura blushed. "Bored!"
" I dunno, that's pretty good observation training," Kakashi observed. "Can you prove that you-"
Sasuke, seeing where this was going, immediately objected.
"Hey! No, don't-!"
"Sexy Jutsu: Sasuke Edition!" Sakura cried, poofing into the form of her crush.
"Ooh... Nice," Tenten said with a grin.
"Not bad," Ino said, with a shrug. Sasuke facepalmed.
"WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR STUDENTS KAKASHI!?" Kurenai demanded. Jiraiya turned to the gray haired Jounin and smiled.
"You've done well."
Kakashi's hair went out and he just smiled.
"Of course, my master..."
"Geez man, you are pale," Kiba observed, tilting his head. "Do you like, ever see the sun?"
"Yosh! Being so pale is unhealthy, Sasuke-san!" Lee cried. "Perhaps I could suggest a training method for-"
"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS?" Sasuke burst out. Sakura poofed back into herself, and cleared her throat.
"Yes! Thank you, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said. "Ahem. Ino, you say you... Kissed Naruto?"
"I... I didn't mean to," Ino admitted. "I just thought-"
"That by seducing him away from Anko, you might get him free of her nefarious influence?" Sakura asked. Ino slowly nodded.
"Sure! Let's go with that!"
"Ah, I'm afraid one woman will not be enough to overcome Anko Mitarashi's sexiness," Jiraiya intoned, suddenly deep and serious. Kakashi nodded.
"If you are to overcome Anko Mitarashi, you must out sexy her."
"Impossible," Sasuke said dismissively. "No woman here could match her sexiness."
"I will have to concur." Shino said dryly.
"You have much to learn of sexiness, my young apprentice," Kakashi said to Sasuke, giving Ayame an appreciative look. Ayame blushed and fiddled with her hair. Sasuke turned to Kakashi with some new respect in his eyes.
"Of course, my master..."
"But! If you must challenge her sexiness, and 'rescue' Naruto" Jiraiya said, "it will require a proper ninja seduction team! Flat Pink Haired Tsundere, Shy Big Boobie Hyuuga Girl, and Sexy Blonde must join together!"
"I'm all for that!" Ino said.
"Yay," Hinata mumbled from her place on the floor, slowly roused from consciousness.
"I am NOT tsundere!" Sakura growled.
"Funny she'll only deny that," Kiba noted. Shino nodded.
"What about Sexy Ramen Girl?" Ayame asked. Sasuke immediately shook his head.
"There's no need for Sexy Ramen Girl. It would only overwhelm him."
"Also, I'm afraid that you give off 'big-sister' vibes that would be attempting to run directly counter to the 'naughty big sister' vibes Anko is using," Jiraiya said. "Throws the whole thing right off!"
"But maybe my sexy vibes could overwhelm hers with the right support," Ayame insisted. Kakashi shook his head.
"Sorry Ayame. You're not ninja enough for it."
"This is discrimination!" Ayame complained.
"Hm... Yes, it is," Kakashi said. "Don't worry though-We'll have a use for you in his post-trauma therapy."
At Ayame's smile, Kakashi looked over at Sasuke with a look that was... difficult to read, but might possibly have been interpreted as, "I'm trying to save this one for you, my apprentice."
This completely went over Sasuke's head, of course.
"But we'll need every advantage to overcome Anko's sexiness!" Insisted Sakura. "As much as I want to deny it, we'll have to in order to break him out of his chains!"
"Ah... Excuse my ignorance, Sakura-san, but I am a bit confused. Why is this meeting going on, anyway?" Lee asked.
"Oh... Um... Well," Sakura began, trying to find a way to break it to Lee gently.
"Naruto is the sex slave of Anko Mitarashi," Chouji said. Sakura glared at him, as Lee gasped.
"Ah?! That's what they're doing?!" He cried.
"I didn't even know he knew where babies come from," Kiba muttered. Neji adopted a haunted expression.
"He knows... Gai-sensei took us through the lessons himself," the Hyuuga boy mumbled, pushing his fingers together in a distinctly Hinata-like gesture. Tenten rolled her eyes.
"Prude," she huffed.
"Deviant," Neji muttered back.
"Then that means..." Lee's eyes bulged. His hands went to the sides of his head. "Ah! AHHH! OH NO!"
"What Lee? What?" Sakura asked.
"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried. "MY BELOVED GAI-SENSEI IS IN MITARASHI-SAN'S CLUTCHES AS WELL!"
Kakashi's visible eye bulged. Neji fainted in much the same manner as his cousin. Tenten gaped. Hinata gasped, still on the floor. Sasuke considered his kunai as a tool for gouging his eyes out, as everyone else reacted in an appropriately shocked or horrified manner.
… Save for Jiraiya, who was busily writing away.
"Well! That settles it!" Sakura said, standing a bit taller. "We need to save Naruto... and Gai-sensei!"
"Do we have to?" Neji asked.
"Yes!" Kakashi insisted. "We cannot allow him to enjoy-Er, suffer any longer than we have to!"
Kakashi received more than a few weird looks from the others, but he was used to it.
"All right!" Sakura said, pumping her fist. "I've got a plan! Hinata, Ino and myself will handle Naruto-"
"Yay," Hinata repeated softly. Ino echoed her with a broad grin.
"While someone will have to distract Anko," Sakura said.
"YOSH! I shall bravely-!" Lee began, but Tenten immediately covered his mouth.
"You'll thank me later... Or curse me," Tenten said. Lee's eyes bulged.
"Mmph?!"
"You have to save Gai-sensei, Lee," Kiba explained. "Don't take it personally!"
"Yeah," Chouji said.
"So... Do we have any volunteers?" Sakura asked, standing primly. There was a split second of silence.
"Not it!" Kiba, Shino, Neji, Asuma, and Chouji said as one.
"Not it!" Kurenai contributed a moment later. Kakashi and Asuma both looked a bit disappointed. Kurenai shot them deadly looks.
"Not it!" Ayame said, after a moment's thought. Jiraiya looked a bit disappointed. Ayame just blushed a bit and shrugged.
"Not-mmph!" Sasuke tried, but his mouth was covered by Kakashi's hand.
"Well, I'd say that's unanimous," Kurenai observed with a dry look at Kakashi. "Uchiha-san will handle Anko."
"NO!" Sakura gasped. "HELL NO! I WILL DISTRACT ANKO!"
"While that would be sexy and amusing," Jiraiya observed, "as the person who brought Naruto to this point, shouldn't you be the one to bring him out?"
"You'd think she'd do more penance being the target," Shino observed. Chouji shook his head.
"She'd probably like it."
"True," Shino admitted.
"I WOULD NOT!" Snarled Sakura.
"Sensei," Sasuke growled. Kakashi just gave his student an eye smile, and a wink. Sasuke frowned, thought about it... Shrugged.
"Eh. The idiot will owe me afterwards," Sasuke said. Sakura glomped onto him.
"Oh Sasuke! You're so brave!"
"Yeah, that's the word," Kiba snarked.
- - - - -
The next morning Ino, Sakura and Hinata met in a grove of trees across the road from Anko's place. Sakura pulled out photos from her equipment pouch and set them on the ground.
"All right, these are all the photos of Anko's house I was able to obtain."
"What's this photo of Itachi Uchiha in the shower doing-"
"Ah, eheh, blackmail material," Sakura said, yanking that photo and holding it to her chest.
"Doesn't Sasuke hate his brother with the fire of a thousand suns?" Ino asked.
"HE'S STILL HOT!" Sakura growled, holding up the photo defensively. "Seriously, look how hot he is!"
"How did you get this anyway? He's an S-Ranked super ninja," Hinata said.
"I'm just that good," Sakura said with a smirk. "... That and he didn't seem to really care..."
"Sakura's deviancy aside," Ino said, ignoring Sakura's squawk of indignation, "I think our best bet is to just let me go in. I've already got a relationship established with him."
"So d-do I!" Hinata insisted. Ino smirked a bit and pulled up her top, revealing something sexy and lacy.
Nice, Inner Sakura said.
"I came prepared," Ino purred. Hinata scowled (though it was more like a pout) and opened her jacket, revealing something rather... Silky.
"M-Me too," she said.
"I did kiss him," Ino said. Hinata's eyes gained that frightening intensity from last night.
"So did Sasuke," commented Shikamaru, who had appeared out of nowhere. "Not exactly something to be proud of."
"Shut up Sh-Shikamaru!" Ino and Hinata snarled, though Hinata was the one with the stutter. Shikamaru shrugged and walked off, hands in his pockets.
"Why exactly do you stutter so much anyway?" Sakura asked. Hinata coughed.
"Um... I have a speech impediment that-that flares up when I'm nervous... V-Very nervous..."
"Or aroused, right?" Asked Sakura, sniffing significantly. Hinata's skin turned bright red and she closed her jacket.
"Um... I-I could do it... S-S-Seduce him, I mean," she said. Ino laughed.
"You can barely say the word! How could you go through with it?"
"A... A... R-Ramen bikini," Hinata said with a touch of defiance. Sakura snorted.
"Anyone could seduce Naruto with a ramen bikini. Lee could seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini!"
Ino shuddered. Hinata covered her face up.
Ooh, Mama like, Inner Sakura said.
Shut up! Sakura growled mentally.
"I-I am the only one who is going to s-s-seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini... S-Since I have it," Hinata managed. Ino sniffed.
"Hey! I would look good in a ramen bikini too!" Ino insisted. Hinata glared, rather cutely.
"N-Not with both l-legs broken you wouldn't," she said flatly.
Sakura sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "You two are seriously fighting over who gets to seduce him?" Sakura gulped at the twin glares sent her way from Ino and Hinata, and edged away.
Don't take that from them! Fight for your right to wear pasta for seduction purposes! Inner Sakura cried. Mmm... And maybe for the right to eat it off their naked bodies if Naruto doesn't want all of it-
"Ramen bikinis are impractical anyway," Sakura said quickly. "You wouldn't be able to keep the broth on."
"You'd need a small swimming pool of broth, for it to work," Ino noted.
"See? Impractical." Sakura replied. "Jiraiya-sama was right-We need to do this together!"
"Y-Yes... As a pr-proper... S-Seduction team!" Hinata managed. Ino gasped and clapped her hands together.
"And I know just how to accomplish it!" She said with a grin. Sakura blinked.
"How?"
"Sexy cosplay!" Ino said with a grin. Sakura blinked again.
"... You're kidding right?"
I like her! She will be the first I fist! Inner Sakura cried.
Shut up!
- - - - - -
Meanwhile, across the road, Sasuke, Lee, Chouji, Shino, Kiba and Neji were watching the house of Anko Mitarashi with several different emotions. Ranging from Sasuke's determined expression, to Lee's game day face, to Chouji's "What is for Dinner?" expression, Neji's "Why am I here?" expression to Shino and Kiba's "We hope to see Sasuke Uchiha suffer incredible torment" faces.
Needless to say Sasuke was putting Shino and Kiba on his "Revenge List" right after Itachi (for obvious reasons), Itachi's shark boyfriend (for equally obvious reasons) and Naruto. Primarily for being so lucky... And that damn sexy jutsu...
Honestly, it was just not fair. Naruto had power, endurance, understood Sasuke perfectly, was scary good at accounting... Why couldn't he have been born a girl?
Not that Sasuke had sexual lust for men, thank you very much. He had enough trouble dodging his fangirls. But it was entirely unfair that someone who, if he was a bit older and a girl would be prime Uchiha Matriarch material. Visions of Super Uchihas danced through his head, with Naruto's unnatural endurance and his Sharingan. A bouncy, boobalicious blonde wife tending to a whole flock of Uchihas. A flock!
But no. He had to be a stupid guy and he had to have gone and gotten entrapped by Anko Mitarashi, a super babe and potential Uchiha Matriarch (well maybe if she mellowed out a little). And he had to go "rescue" him. It was the height of unfairness.
Especially the not being born a girl thing...
"Sasuke-san? Are you all right?" Lee asked.
"I was not wishing Naruto could be born a girl so I could fuck her awesome tits!" Sasuke growled.
Dead silence.
Kiba sighed, and handed over some money to a very smug looking Shino. Sasuke buried his face in his hands. Lee coughed and looked up at the sky.
"I cannot hear anything you said, Friend Sasuke! Nothing at all! What was that? I heard nothing! NOTHING!"
"I'll just... Go get myself killed now," Sasuke said.
"I hope it's quick," Chouji said, munching on chips.
"I don't," Neji growled.
- - - - -
Naruto emerged from Anko's home, looking a bit worn out. His clothing was rumpled and there were bags under his eyes. He yawned and stretched his hands up over his head.
"Uwahhh... Man, that was exhausting," Naruto said. He grinned. "It was awesome though!" He turned around and waved. "See you later, Anko-nee-chan!"
"Oh? Just later?" Anko called through the door. "But there are so many fun things we could do~..."
"Nah! I'm tired," Naruto said. "But you can keep going with Super Fuzzy Brows-sensei!"
"True, true, but you are a lot more fun," Anko called.
"I take offense to that, Anko-san!" Cried Gai. "I am incredibly fun!"
"Mm... You two could always compete for my favor," Anko said, a smirk in her voice. Naruto grinned.
"Compete? Would you teach me something cool if I won?"
"Oh, I can think of a few things," Anko practically crooned. Naruto grinned and rubbed the back of his head.
"Okay!"
- - - - -
"He's come out," hissed Sakura. She looked in the direction of the bush the boys were hiding in, and made several hand signals. Ino and Hinata stared at this.
"... What... What is that?" Ino asked.
"Sign language," Sakura said with a smirk. "ANBU Sign Language! I'm telling them to launch their distraction the moment we grab Naruto."
"And who of them would know this? Or... See it?" Ino asked.
"Well, Neji would see it," Sakura said. "And a smart guy like that should know ANBU sign language, right?"
"Not really," Hinata said. "They don't teach you that until you get into ANBU."
"Then... Then what did Kakashi teach me...?" Sakura asked.
- - - - -
"'I... Am a sexually repressed... Harridan?'" Neji read.
"Well we know that," Kiba said, "but what about Sakura?"
"I'm going to kill you, Inuzuka," Neji growled.
- - - - -
"Okay okay okay!" Sakura growled, waving her hands. "I'll just tell him the plan and he'll read my lips. Ahem. 'We'll grab Naruto, you take care of Anko.'"
Sakura looked over at Hinata, who had her own Byakugan on. "He get that?"
Hinata nodded. "He's nodding..."
"Good," Sakura said. She sighed. "Honestly, your cousin is such a great guy... Why couldn't we have sent him in to distract Anko?"
Hinata blushed. "Er... He's making another signal."
"What? What is it?" Sakura said.
"I think he can read your lips," Hinata said. "He's making a hand sign back."
"What does it mean?" Sakura asked, as Hinata coughed. Ino smirked.
"I can guess..."
Sakura rolled her eyes. "All right, all right... Distraction Team... Go!"
- - - - -
"She says go," Neji said blandly. Sasuke frowned.
"Do I have to?"
"You could stay here, but you'd begin to resemble a girl so much I'd wonder if you knew Naruto's Sexy Jutsu," Shino said. Sasuke glared death at him.
"How do you know I-... Goddamnit!"
"This is just not your day, huh Sasuke?" Chouji asked, chewing on some popcorn.
"All of you. Revenge list. Right after Itachi," Sasuke growled.
"I'm gonna lose so much sleep over that," Kiba jeered.
"Come!" Lee cried, unable to restrain himself any more. "We must leap in and save my sensei from Anko-san! Quickly Sasuke-san, go in! Be distracting!"
"Okay, how?" Sasuke asked flatly. Lee gripped Sasuke's shoulders. "Uwah?"
"My apologies, Sasuke-san," Lee said solemnly. "FOR GAI-SENSEI!" He spun around on one foot, and threw the shocked Uchiha survivor at the house.
"AAAHHH!" He cried.
Naruto looked down at the ground, and grinned as he bent over. "Hey! A ryo!"
WHAM!
Naruto stood up and stared in disbelief at Sasuke, who was sliding down the front door of the house. "Sasuke? What are you doing here?!"
"Urgh... Why couldn't you be born a girl...?" Sasuke moaned. Naruto blinked.
"... Sasuke, are you drunk?"
"NOW!" Sakura shouted. Three cloaked figured leaped out of the trees and grabbed Naruto's shoulders and waist. His eyes widened, surprised.
"Huh?! What the-" They vanished in a burst of smoke, leaving Sasuke to get back to his feet and groan. He rubbed his face.
"'Distraction Team duty sucks..."
"Naruto-kun? What's going-Oh!"
Sasuke gulped, and turned around. His face, red from the impact against the door, turned scarlet when he got a look at Anko's attire.
Or rather, the lack thereof. She adjusted her apron (the only article of clothing she wore, save for her sandals) as she eyed Sasuke. She glanced down at her body, and then back at Sasuke. She smirked.
"Well... Well... Well... Aren't you getting an eyeful?"
Mommy...!
- - - - - -
In a clearing some distance away...
Naruto groaned as he sat up and rubbed his head. "Man, what the hell was that? Why did I-AH!"
Sakura stood over him, flanked on either side by Ino and Hinata. All three wore cloaks, that waved in a dramatic breeze. Sakura glared down at him.
"Naruto..."
"Look, whatever happened I didn't do it! I have an alibi!" Naruto insisted.
"You're not in trouble, Naruto! Well, not with us," Sakura said. Naruto looked up at her curiously.
"Then why are you looking so intimidating?"
"I'm not intimidating!" Sakura insisted. "This is how I normally look!"
"Yeah, that's why you're intimidating," Ino giggled.
"H-He has a point," Hinata said. "You are kind of scary..."
"I AM NOT SCARY!" Sakura snarled. Naruto covered his head with his arms.
"Don't kill me! Whatever I did I didn't do it!"
Sakura took a deep breath to calm herself, and lowered her clenched fist. "Right... Naruto! We are, in actual fact, saving you."
"Saving me?" Naruto asked. He looked over at Ino, who was blushing. "Hey! I don't need saving! What did you tell her, huh?"
"Don't be upset with her, Naruto! She's just worried about you!" Sakura said. She shook her fist. "Stop being such an insensitive twat!"
"Um, Sakura...?" Hinata warned. Sakura lowered her fist again and sighed.
"Right... Look. Naruto? This is an intervention!"
"Um... Sakura? One moment?" Ino asked. Sakura sighed and the three girls huddled.
"I thought this was a seduction mission?" Hinata muttered, blushing bright red as Ino followed suit. Sakura shook her head.
"We're going to try the intervention first. Then..." She sighed in exasperation. "We can try it..."
"All right! Let's get the intervention stuff out of the way quickly so we can get to the good part!" Ino said eagerly. Hinata glared at her. Ino just smirked back.
"What are you guys talking about?" Naruto asked, trying to peek over Sakura's shoulder. Sakura's fist hit him square in the face in a Offhand Backhand that would have done Batman proud. Naruto slammed into a nearby tree. "GWAH!"
"SAKURA!" Ino shouted. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Sorry, sorry! Force of habit!" Sakura apologized.
"You need to break that habit..." Hinata said, in a tone that implied 'Before I break you.' Sakura gulped.
"Right, right..."
- - - - -
Yeah, I have no idea how this is going to end. Well actually I do.
"And then they all fucked. The end!"
But not yet...
Chapter 3
- - - - - -
Sasuke continued to stare, much like a mouse mesmerized by a snake ready to strike. In a lot of ways, she was a snake ready to strike.
"Eyes up here, or I bite you," she warned him.
An extremely masochistic part of Sasuke demanded he defy her, but he defied it instead and looked up at her.
"So what brings you to my door, little Uchiha?"
Sasuke took a deep breath and regained his composure as he stared at Anko. She didn't seem to mind that she was standing outside her door in just an apron. In all honesty, she didn't seem to mind going around in next to nothing at all more than anything and if Sasuke asked around, he would've found that her neighbors didn't mind her going around in next to nothing either.
"I guess my first question is, why are you just wearing an apron?"
"It's laundry day, do you have any idea how easily wire mesh bodysuits get dirty? It's a real pain in the ass." Anko smiled. "That's not the reason you're here, are you?"
"Well no, of course not! I came to talk to you about Naruto." It was really hard to focus with that amazing body covered by so little right in front of him. His face reddening, he shuffled his feet as he tried to maintain that wavering focus on her face.
"You should stop taking advantage of him." There, he got it out. Simple, precise, and to the point.
"He's doomed," Neji sighed.
"Yeah, but what a way to go," Kiba drooled.
"She's magically babelicious," Shino observed.
"... Did you actually just say that?" Chouji asked, eating popcorn.
Anko raised an eyebrow, and after a moment of staring at Sasuke, she grew suspicious. "What do you mean by 'taking advantage'? What have you heard?"
Sasuke resisted recoiling at this. "What do you mean what have I heard? I haven't heard anything from anyone!"
He took a few quick breaths. "I just happened to notice Naruto looking pretty rough after hanging out with you..." he fidgeted some. "Like just now! He looked exhausted, what were you and him and Gai-sensei doing in there?"
"Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed quietly as he tried not to burst into tears, and failed. Neji sighed and patted his shoulder.
"There. There," he stated in a monotone.
Anko's suspicion turned into surprise, and then her eyes narrowed seductively. "Oh, I never kiss and tell, sorry."
Sasuke did recoil this time. "K-kiss and tell?!"
Neji quickly caught this, and grew wide-eyed.
"What? What did she say?" Chouji asked.
"Kiss... And tell!" Neji gasped.
"Holy crap!" Kiba cried, his cheeks turning red. "She is Naruto's kinky mistress!"
"I must call him Naruto-sama from now on," Shino said. "Truly he is the master now."
"He's the master by being the bitch?" Kiba asked.
"With that woman?" Shino asked. Kiba nodded.
"Good point..."
"You two are pathetic," Neji muttered.
"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee wailed. Neji sighed.
"Nevermind..."
"You know-" Anko's thought stopped when she heard Lee's distant yell and she glanced towards his direction. Seeing nothing, she let her eyes go back to Sasuke, whose expression was a mixture of fury, envy, and disbelief as his brain unlocked enough for him to speak again.
"Y-you and him... and Gai-sensei?!" He shook his head, and attempted to get angry. "J-just having your way with him?!"
Anko smirked, oh he looked so delicious like this. "Oh come on, Uchiha. Why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of monster? I never would've done anything with Naruto if he didn't want it."
Sasuke's jaw practically detached from his head, it fell so fast.
Anko wrapped her arms around her waist, holding herself and squeezing her breasts together enticingly. "In fact, he was so insistent! He actually got on his knees and begged for me to play with him. Honestly, who am I to refuse someone who wanted to be with me so bad?"
Neji's entire face went bright red, to the point his Byakugan eyes looked bloodshot. Chouji stopped eating his chips. Kiba and Shino were already thinking of ways to convince Naruto to share his secrets. Lee was chomping at the bit to dive in to rescue his sensei, but Neji managed to keep a tight hold on the spandex.
"I... you... wha...?" Sasuke could find no words as he beheld this revelation. "B-but Gai-sensei-"
Anko glanced back. "Him?" She looked back to Sasuke. "What he and I get up to is something else entirely, but he doesn't mind; in fact he joins in from time to time. Naruto doesn't mind it either, he thinks the more the merrier after all, and I agree. But it's so tiring, you know? Gai's having a nap right now to recuperate."
Neji was now cursing his bloodline straight to hell and wishing he could gouge out his own eyes. The other members of the Distraction Team were not faring much better. Lee was whimpering.
"Gai-sensei...! Is this the sort of thing you told me that only the most fiery of men could experience?" Lee sniffled. "I WISH TO BE JUST AS MAN-MMPH!"
"Quiet! She'll catch us!" Neji growled as he covered Lee's mouth.
Sasuke was staring at her chest now, everything falling by the wayside except for "the more the merrier". Did that mean what he thought it meant?
Anko shamelessly did a bit of ogling of her own, and her smirk grew. "That all said, did you really come here to get me to stop... or did you come to play with me?"
Sasuke just continued to gape at Anko, and he could hear a chorus of dead ancestors suddenly singing great and happy tune for him as the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine beamed onto him. She was asking? She was really asking him to-?
"Because I wouldn't mind playing with you for a few hours... or more."
SHE WAS! YES! SHE WAS TOTALLY ASKING!
As if all the fear had left Sasuke, his composure returned but he did not go back to his usual aloof self. He took it a step further, drifting right into the casually confident that would've had Sakura and Ino fainting on the spot and forgetting all about whatever entanglements they were getting into with Naruto.
Anko blinked, and had to admit, inwardly, that he was one handsome mother fucker when he wasn't being a miserable mope.
"Well, if you're asking-"
"NOOOOOOO!" Rock Lee bellowed as he broke free from Neji's hands. He grabbed the shocked Sasuke and threw him over his shoulder. "You will not take another for your unyouthful desires!"
He leaped away like a rocket, but only after throwing down a handful of smoke bombs that enveloped everything in a thick cloud of white. Neji groaned.
"Run! Mission accomplished!" Neji said as the group fled.
"What about Gai-sensei?" Chouji asked.
"What about Gai-sensei?" Neji snorted.
Kiba was in tears. "I can't believe it... Naruto is my hero! I never wanted to be someone's bitch so much!"
Shino would've commented on Kiba already being everyone's bitch, but he was too busy being stuck in awe of Naruto.
And running.
- - - - - -
"Okay, come on! Let's start this properly," Sakura said, her hands glowing green from a healing jutsu as she pressed them to the sides of Naruto's head. "After Naruto's concussion is healed..."
"Which I'd like to point out, you caused," Ino said flatly. "Naruto, you okay?"
"Urgh... I think I'm still concussed..." Naruto said, staring up at the sky. "Am I supposed to see angels?"
"Stop flattering me, moron!" Sakura growled, smacking Naruto's cheek.
"Ow!" Naruto groaned as he sat up, rubbing his cheek. "Hey!"
Hinata blushed brightly as Ino giggled.
"Now come on! We need to focus on your unhealthy relationship with Anko Mitarashi," Sakura said sternly. Naruto huffed.
"I'm not doing anything unhealthy! I get lots of exercise with Anko-nee-chan!" Naruto said flatly.
Hinata looked torn between lust and rage. Ino was mostly lust. Sakura sighed and rolled her eyes in disgust.
"That kind of 'exercise' is not appropriate for you!" Sakura said angrily. "You're being used by Anko for... For...!"
"For what?" Naruto asked, blinking. "What do you think I'm doing, huh?"
"She's... She's doing perverse, twisted things to you!" Sakura growled.
"What?! No she isn't!" Naruto growled.
"Oh? Then what are you doing?" Sakura asked flatly. Naruto hesitated. Ino pounced next.
"It's a simple question, Naruto," Ino said. "I mean, maybe you don't know any better. In which case, you shouldn't spare a single dirty detail." Ino drooled. "Especially if it involves spanking."
"What?! Spanking?!" Naruto gasped.
"Spanking?!" Hinata cried, holding her hands to her cheeks.
"Yes! Spanking! And possibly whipping, Anko looks the type," Ino sighed.
"I don't get whipped!" Naruto cried.
Sakura tried to ignore the fact Hinata and Ino both looked a bit disappointed at this. Hinata more so for some reason...
"Look Naruto. Sometimes you can be led into thinking something is okay when it's not because you're... Well... Stupid," Sakura said.
"I'm not stupid!" Naruto growled. "There are plenty of people who are dumber than me!"
"Name some," Sakura challenged.
"Konohamaru!" Naruto said.
"You're smarter than an academy student. A gerbil is smarter than an academy student!" Sakura growled.
"We-Weren't we all academy students?" Hinata asked Ino. Ino shook her head.
"That wouldn't get in her way..."
"No I'm..." Naruto paused. "Isn't!"
"Look Naruto, we're trying to help you so cooperate! Accept you have a problem, that's step one! And your problem is that you're in a sadomasochist relationship with a crazy snake lady!"
"I am not!" Naruto growled.
"M-Maybe we should check Naruto's body? Just in case...?" Hinata suggested. Sakura smiled.
"Of course! That's perfect! Hinata can just us her Byakugan-"
"No!" Ino growled. She coughed at the looks from the others. "I mean... We need to all check, and verify that Naruto isn't suffering from physical abuse."
"I-I could just Byakugan-"
"And then you'll pass out and we won't get anything done," Ino said. Hinata blushed.
"I-I won't pass out! I don't pass out all the other times I'm... Oh... Oh dear," Hinata mumbled, covering her face. Naruto blinked.
"What?"
"Nothing! Naruto, strip down!" Sakura growled.
"Hey! I'm not stripping down!" Naruto said back.
"Just do it Naruto!"
"No!"
Sakura sighed... And looked over at Ino. Ino nodded. Sakura smirked, and then looked back at Naruto.
"But Naruto... We're all just concerned for you! Look how concerned Ino is!" Sakura said. Naruto blinked as he looked at her. He started at her teary eyes and hands clasped in front of her chest.
"Please Naruto... Can't you let us check you... Just so we know nothing's going on?"
"N-N-Nothing's going on!" Naruto insisted.
"Then you should be just fine with letting us examine you," Sakura said. Naruto looked to Hinata for help. The Hyuuga heiress too was blushing severely, but she managed a very concerned and guilt inducing look. Naruto sighed.
"Oh... Fine," he muttered.
Naruto pulled off his jacket, and then tossed it aside. Sakura noticed that Ino and Hinata were both breathing harder. She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.
"T-Shirt too," Sakura said.
Naruto looked more than a bit concerned. "Er, well, it's not like I-"
"We're checking everywhere Naruto, now off!" Sakura ordered. "It's nothing I haven't seen before."
"What do you mean by that, hmm?" Ino asked, raising an eyebrow.
"She-She means when she's seen Naruto go swimming... R-Right?" Hinata asked, with just a tiny bit of menace. Sakura nodded.
"Of course that's when I saw him!"
"Oh good, you already saw me so I can just go-" Naruto reached for his jacket, but a glare from Sakura stopped him. He sighed. "Fine..." He reached down and gripped the edge of his shirt. He pulled it up over his head. Hinata sucked in a deep breath, and Ino licked her lips. Sakura rolled her eyes.
"Turn around," Sakura said, spinning her hand around.
"Yes, definitely turn around," Ino hummed. Naruto grumbled and did so, twisting around on one foot.
"There, happy?" Asked Naruto, irritated.
"Oh yes, very happy," Ino purred, which made the blonde ninja blush. Hinata blushed as well, her fingers tapping together.
"You can see that I don't have any horrible scarring, right?" Naruto asked, irritated. "Can I go now?"
"Well," Sakura began, but Ino shook her head furiously.
"No! We haven't seen... All of you," Ino said with a wide smile. Naruto gaped.
"Wh-What?!"
"Y-Yes... Everything," Hinata mumbled. Sakura grimaced.
We could just skip to the sexy orgy part, suggested Inner Sakura.
Shut up you! Sakura growled.
You can't resist me forever!
Sakura ignored her inner self and returned her attention to Naruto, who was pushing down his pants. She had to admit, the blonde knucklehead was nice and ripped. And after learning Sasuke was into older women she felt just a bit disappointed with her crush. But still, Naruto was an idiot.
A nice, hot idiot who is eager to please-
Sakura covered her ears. "Lalalalalala!"
"Uh... Sakura? You all right?" Naruto asked. Ino shook her head.
"Don't mind her, she's just having issues," the blonde kunoichi said, dispelling his concerns with a wave of her hand. "Now then..." She leered. "The boxers, please."
"What?!" Naruto squawked.
"Hey, when we say everything, we mean everything," Ino said. "Isn't that right Hinata? ... Hinata?"
Sakura pulled her hands away from her ears and looked down at Hinata, who had fainted with a happy smile on her red face. Sakura sighed.
"Look Naruto, the sooner we get this over, the better all right?" Sakura said. "I mean, we could do something worse to you."
"What could be worse than this?!" Naruto demanded.
"Oh, I can think of a few things," Ino moaned softly.
"Ino, would you control yourself?!" Sakura growled.
"I'm just sticking to the plan, Forehead, what are you doing?" Ino asked pointedly. Sakura coughed. Ino grinned. "Having second thoughts, hm?"
"N-No! I'm just not sure we need to go... That far, you know?" Sakura admitted.
Goddamnit Outer, would you stop being a pussy and let me do my thing? Inner Sakura demanded.
Shut up already! You'll get your chance when you're needed! Sakura thought back.
Surrrre I will, Queen of the Prudes. With you in charge we're never going to get laid! Even when it's for a freaking good cause!
"I-HEY!" Sakura growled as she saw Naruto trying to sneak away. "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, NARUTO!"
"Look, I really don't know what's going on but I'm getting out of here! This is really weird!" Naruto insisted as he bent over to pick up his clothes. Sakura cursed as Ino licked her lips.
"Guess it's time for Plan B then," Ino said cheerfully. She began to undo her robes.
Oh for crying out loud, would you PLEASE let me handle this? Inner Sakura demanded. I won't even go to the nookie option... Yet.
Sakura considered... And sighed.
Fine.
YIPPEE!
Ino observed that Sakura's eyes dilated, and then her pupils shrunk. A twisted grin came over her face. She turned to the unconscious Hinata and kneeled down next to her. She took her by the shoulders and shook her.
"Hinata! Hinata! Wake up!" Sakura insisted. "Naruto is in danger!"
Hinata's eyes snapped open. "In-In danger? Naruto?!"
"Yes!" Sakura insisted with as much conviction as she could muster. "And if you don't get his boxers off right now he will DIE! Do you understand?!"
"What?!" Naruto gasped as he turned around. "There's nothing wrong with my-!"
There was a whoosh, and a moment later Naruto felt... Something of a draft. He looked down, his eyes widening and his jaw dropping.
"I've saved you, Naruto-kun!" Hinata gasped, standing behind him. He turned around... And Hinata fainted happily away, clutching his torn boxers to her chest.
"I am so, so sorry for doubting you Sakura," Ino moaned happily.
"Do you see anything?" Sakura asked, having put Inner back under where she belonged. Ino sighed.
"Wonderful things."
"ACK!" Naruto cried, covering his shame as best he could with his hands. "You-You-HEY! You're acting like-like-!"
"Like a bunch of perverts making my Naruto-kun strip for your pleasure," purred a sensual and dangerous voice. Sakura immediately turned around to sputter her denials... And they died in her throat.
"How very... Very interesting," Anko Mitarashi said with a grin.
"Damnit Forehead," Ino muttered. Sadly, Sakura's Inner was saying the same thing.
- - - - - -
"Haa... Haa... Haa..." Sasuke lowered his hands as he finished his beat down of his male comrades. The only one to escape his furious fists and jutsu was Shikamaru, who had arrived just in time to watch.
"Ergh... My head," Kiba moaned.
"My youth!" Lee gasped.
Akamaru would have contributed to the sounds of pain, but Sasuke had punted him into the next training area.
"I am in incredible pain. Unbelievable pain. You really are a sadistic foe," Shino groaned, somehow in a monotone.
"Owwwww," Chouji contributed.
"What the hell was that for?" Neji demanded. Sasuke stared in disbelief at the Hyuuga prince.
"Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!" Sasuke growled. "I had the chance to bang Anko Sexy Psycho Babe Mitarashi! And you guys fucked it up!" He turned away and ran a hand over his face. "That was my... My only chance, too! I will never, ever have another chance with her!" He turned back to his injured friends and grabbed Lee, shaking him by the shoulders.
"How could you do this to me, man?!" He demanded. Lee stared back.
"I am sorry, Sasuke-san... But I could not let you suffer the same fate as Naruto and Gai-sensei-OH MY BELOVED GAI-SENSEI!" Sobbed Lee. "STILL IN THE CLUTCHES OF THAT WOMAN!"
Lee rolled back and forth, crying almost pitifully. Neji sighed and patted Lee's shoulder.
"There. There," Neji said blandly.
"As much as I hate to admit it, he has a point," Shikamaru spoke up. "You probably should have just left him to his fate. If he wanted it that much."
"Fine then," Chouji groaned. "Next time we will leave you to get banged by the hot older psycho chick."
"Thank you!" Sasuke growled.
"Just as we let you get bit by that other crazy psycho chick," snarked Kiba. "OW OW OW NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE!"
Sasuke was not as forgiving as Hinata, so he went back to kicking Kiba in the balls.
"That's just uncalled for," Shikamaru noted.
"You're not stopping it," Chouji observed. Shikamaru shrugged.
"Nope."
Sasuke stormed off angrily, and began to mutter to himself as he stalked through the trees.
"Avenger's log, supplemental. To hell with that bastard. To hell with everyone. Everyone's on my revenge list, right after Itachi. I'm gonna have sooo much hatred to crush him with it's not even going to be funny. Except it will be funny especially when I rip his tongue out and shove it right up his-"
"Sasuke!"
Sasuke paused in his muttering to look over at a familiar, attractive form nearby tree. Ayame Ichiraku stood there, her hands wringing together as she fretted.
"Hn?" Sasuke asked, his hormone addled state making him look her up and down. "What?"
"Is-Is Naruto all right?" Ayame asked earnestly. "I tried to go to Anko's home but um..." She pointed to a few senbon sticking out of her hat. "I'm not that fond of getting killed."
"As far as I know, he's fine," Sasuke growled. "Enjoying the attentions of the most babelicious woman in Konoha! Whom I will never get to enjoy..."
"Enjoying?! You really think that?" Ayame demanded. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "He's an-an innocent idiot who is enthralled by that witch! Please, you're his best friend! Can't you do something?"
"Innocent? What do you mean, 'innocent'?! He invented that stupid Sexy Jutsu!" Sasuke growled, gently gripping her wrists and pulling her hands away. Ayame sighed.
"Yeah, but... Well... He didn't exactly come up with that alone," she said. Sasuke blinked.
"What do you mean?" He asked. Ayame sighed, and lifted a hand up to her cheek.
"Well... It's kind of embarrassing, but..."
"But?" Sasuke prompted.
Ayame looked at Sasuke with a mild blush. "I was... The model for his sexy jutsu."
Sasuke's jaw dropped. His Sharingan came out and he looked her up and down. Ayame blinked.
"... What are you doing?"
"Analyzing your body structure and language," Sasuke said. "Try posing sexily. Better yet, maybe you should strip down-"
"PERVERT!" Ayame shouted, smacking Sasuke.
"URK!"
Okay... Clearly some violence issues... But I can totally work with that, Sasuke thought.
Besides, the new Uchiha matriarch would need some inner fire.
- - - - -
Sakura gulped quite loudly, but was able to keep her terror under control. After all, she had faced Zabuza, Orochimaru, and Gaara of the Sand! Surely she could prevent herself from losing bladder control just because she was confronted with Anko Mitarashi!
"It's... It's not what it looks like," Sakura managed. Anko hummed thoughtfully and rubbed her chin.
"I don't know... It looks a lot like three girls working together to seduce my Naruto-kun," she said. She snapped her fingers. "Off with the robes!"
"Wh-What?" Sakura gasped.
"What?!" Naruto gasped back. "Anko-nee-chan-!"
"Now," Anko growled with more than a little menace and killing intent. Sakura repressed a meep, sighed, and undid her utilitarian robe. She opened it up, and let it drop to the ground. Naruto gasped, and the pink haired girl had to admit-She liked the fact Naruto was reacting to her (slightly modified) nurse's uniform.
Time for a check up, darling! Mwahahahahaha! Inner Sakura cackled.
Oh shut up! Sakura thought back.
"Uh huh," Anko said, raising an eyebrow and nodding. "I see... You! Blonde girl! Off!"
"Well... If you insist," Ino said. She shrugged off her robe as well, and posed with a grin as she unveiled a rather brief and sexy black and purple lolita dress. Naruto's jaw dropped and his face turned bright red as he beheld this latest development. "What do you think, Naruto~?"
"Um... Uh," Naruto managed. Anko hummed.
"Not bad, not bad... Oi! Hyuuga girl!"
"Uh... Y-Yes?" Hinata asked, having returned to consciousness. She was looking anywhere but directly at Naruto, lest she faint again.
"Off, now," Anko ordered. Hinata trembled, but did as directed. Her robe fell, and Naruto's eyes bulged out as he got a good look at Hinata's long legs and curves barely contained in a sexy schoolgirl outfit. With shaking hands, Hinata pulled out some glasses and set them on her face, completing the image.
"H-Hinata?!" Naruto gasped.
"Do... Do you like it, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked shyly, tapping her fingers together and blushing for maximum moe effect.
Why do I feel strangely envious? Sakura and Ino both thought.
"Huh... Sexy Nurse, Sexy Lolita, Sexy Schoolgirl," Anko observed. She nodded approvingly. "Clearly you've got some potential when it comes to seduction missions!"
"S-S-Seduction mission?!" Naruto squeaked. "Th-That's what this is about?!"
"Well duh Naruto-chan," Anko said with a grin. "Why else would they kidnap you and tempt you with sexy cosplay?"
"Um... Lots of reasons...?" Sakura tried.
"We're not letting you have my Naruto," Hinata said in determination, her Byakugan flaring to life as she glared at Anko. "And-And even if I have to share with... With others, we will save him!"
"And seduce him!" Ino added with a broad grin.
"Hooray," Sakura added, almost entirely without enthusiasm. Anko hummed, looking quite calm while inside she was laughing her ass off. She then looked over at the flabberghasted Naruto and grinned.
"Well Naru-chan... Clearly there's only one thing to do," she said quite gravely.
"Wh-What?" Naruto asked. Anko grinned.
"Let's just see how good they really are at this seduction mission, hmmm?"
Inside Naruto's mind...
"AT LAST! MY TIME HAS COME! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Libido Naruto cackled.
"Not yet it hasn't!" Reason Naruto shouted. "Something weird is going on! Why would all three of these girls want us at the same time?"
"OUR YOUTHFULNESS!" Youth Naruto declared.
"OUR AWESOMENESS!" Courage Naruto shouted.
"Mmmph mmngle!" Insecurity Naruto tried, but he was still struggling in bondage.
Morality Naruto held his peace, content to just wait and see what was going to happen.
"Who cares?!" Libido Naruto said. "They want a seduction mission, let's give 'em a seduction mission!"
"The point of a seduction mission is to resist the wiles of kunoichi," pointed out Reason Naruto.
"No, the point of a seduction mission is to make the kunoichi change sides after we bang them so well!" Libido Naruto retorted, pounding his chest. "Clearly this is our chance to demonstrate that!"
"I AGREE!" Youth Naruto declared. "Besides, is not copulation one of the finest expressions of youth there is?"
"BLAST THEM TO THE HEAVENS!" Courage Naruto shouted.
"Looks like you're outnumbered, ol' Four Eyes!" Libido Naruto grinned. "What are you going to do about it?"
"Oh gee, I don't know," Reason Naruto said, rubbing his chin. "How about-KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"
"Wait, what-?" Libido Naruto got punched in the face, and a tremendous brawl broke out. Morality Naruto sighed and watched the battle in exasperation.
"Can't we all just get along?" He asked. A Rasengan nailed him in the face, and he rose with a furious expression.
"That's it! DIVINE WRATH TIME, ASSHOLES!" He shouted.
Outside, Naruto reacted to the conflict within him the simplest way possible: He fainted with a spectacular nosebleed.
"So... Does that mean we win?" Sakura asked. Anko grinned and summoned several large snakes.
"Nope~," the kunoichi grinned. "It means you fail~."
"CHEESE IT!" Sakura screamed.
Wait, wait, I want to see where this goes! Inner Sakura tried, but Sakura overruled her by punching herself in the head and running like crazy.
"We'll be back for you, Naruto!" Ino shouted as she dragged the furious Hinata away.
"NO! NOOOO! WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM HERE!" Hinata wailed, still clinging to Naruto's boxers. Anko watched the kunoichi retreat with a sigh, and shook her head.
"Amateurs," she muttered. She eyed the passed out Naruto, and then grinned.
"On the other hand, this does make my fun last much, much longer..."
- - - - -
Ayame walked down the path angrily. Sasuke followed her, waving his hands in appeasement.
"Come on! I meant it as a compliment!"
"No!" Ayame growled.
"You know, this is entirely illogical," Sasuke pointed out. "You flashed Naruto. Why not me?"
Ayame turned around and glared at Sasuke with a furious blush on her cheeks.
"I-I didn't flash him!" Ayame insisted, waving her finger in his face. "I modeled for him! He needed to know anatomy for his jutsu!"
"So did he let you draw you too?" Sasuke snarked. Ayame glared and smacked his face. "Urk!"
"You really need to learn how to talk to girls," Ayame stated. "Otherwise you're never restarting your clan!"
"Oh, and Naruto knows how to do so better?" Sasuke growled. Ayame snorted.
"As a matter of fact, he does!"
Sasuke raised a finger, sucking in a breath... And then he deflated.
Damn her for having a point... He turned around and scratched the back of his head.
"Avenger's log, supplemental... The Ramen girl has a point. Clearly I must change my approach if I am to get her to become my bride and mother to my new clan," Sasuke murmured. "Naruto has attracted a great deal of female attention. I swear I saw Tsunami checking him out more than once. But what is the secret? Why must I only get useless fangirls instead of hot, spirited, intelligent and mature women after me?"
Ayame blinked a few times. "Are... You okay?"
"What, do I have to paint whiskers on my face? Must I scream loudly? I already love her ramen, not that I can ever reveal that. Naruto would never let me hear the end of it," Sasuke continued to mutter.
Ayame moved in front of Sasuke and waved her hand in front of his face. "Um, Sasuke? Hello?"
Sasuke's eyes narrowed and he became even more broody. He continued, paying Ayame no attention. "So clearly Naruto has figured out something I have not. And in order to discover this, he must be freed of Mitarashi. Besides, he can also aid me in attracting his hot surrogate big sister."
Ayame grabbed his shoulders and turned Sasuke to face her. She shook him, a worried expression on her face.
"Who are you talking to?"
Sasuke blinked a few times, and coughed.
"... I'm... Complicated?"
Ayame stared a bit longer. "... How about you help me rescue Naruto and I'll just keep this to myself?"
"Will you at least consider becoming my wife and mother to my reborn clan?" Sasuke asked. Ayame sighed.
She had seen Itachi, after all. And Sasuke was his little brother. So yeah, that part of Ayame was totally fine with waiting for Sasuke to grow up a bit.
"Until then, can I see you naked?" The Uchiha heir asked, going for broke.
Ayame glared and smacked the back of Sasuke's head.
"Don't push it!"
"Ow," Sasuke muttered. "Avenger's log... That strike was surprisingly arousing."
"STOP THAT!" Ayame growled. Sasuke coughed and nodded.
"Sorry."
- - - - -
"Uhhhh... Wha... What happened?" Naruto mumbled. His eyes widened as he shot up. "I MUST HAVE THEM ALL!"
He caught his breath and looked around. He was sitting in Anko's bed, a formally cold washcloth falling down into his lap. He blinked.
"Huh? What's... How...?"
"Well well, you are awake," Anko purred. Naruto looked up and saw his Anko-nee-chan entering the room, carrying a plate of snacks. He smiled.
"Anko-nee-chan! You saved me!" Naruto gasped. "... I think..." He frowned deeply, his eyes closed in thought. "I'm not really sure if I'm happy about that."
"Good, good," Anko said approvingly as she set down the plate on the nightstand next to him. "If you were totally sure about that, I'd have to smack you one."
Anko then proceeded to smack Naruto upside his head. The blonde yelped.
"Ow! Hey!"
"But I am smacking you upside the head for putting on a show for those shameless girls," Anko tutted, shaking her head. "You really should know better, Naru-chan!"
"I should?" Naruto asked. Anko smirked.
"Of course! You should know just how to deal with that sort of situation." Her smirk grew as she leaned over the bed. "And I'm going to train you properly~."
"Training? I don't know," Naruto hummed.
"Listen, I'm an awesome ninja, right?" Anko asked quite reasonably. Naruto nodded.
"Yeah! You totally are!"
"Damn right!" Anko said with a proud grin as she thumped her chest. "And you want to be even more awesome, right?"
"Right!" Naruto confirmed with a bright smile. Anko returned it.
"So, if you get trained by me in countering kunoichi, you might become almost as awesome as me!"
"Bah! I'll become way more awesome than you, Nee-chan!" Naruto declared. He grinned and stood up, posing dramatically. "Just teach me how, Anko-nee-chan!"
"Good!" Anko said approvingly. "But first, you're going to want to put some pants on." She smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Unless you like flashing girls with your-"
"ACK!" Naruto cried, trying to cover himself and falling off the bed. "OOF!"
Anko chuckled. "Still got it... Now just get ready Naru-chan."
"Ow, ow... What are you doing?" Naruto asked. Anko smirked as she turned and walked out.
"I'm just going to check on Gai-kun, of course~," she crooned. Naruto nodded.
"Okay! Have fun with that!" He turned to his dresser, and began to dress without a care in the world.
- - - - - -
In the Konoha Hospital Complex, there is a room resumed for those cases that are absolutely terminal. Where only a miracle (or an editor accidentally ending up in the production booth) will save these poor souls from a meeting with the Shinigami. Where even Tsunade's greatest efforts will fail.
This... Is not the room the unfortunate victims of Sasuke's rampage were in, but they certainly felt like they belonged in that room.
"Argh," Kiba groaned. Akamaru snorted on his lap and barked a few rude things in dog. Kiba glared.
"Shut up! This is not my fault," he stated.
Akamaru sniffed and poked his nose into the air. "It totally is. If you'd just let the jerk get what was coming to him, he wouldn't have gone all Avenger on us."
"Avenger? He just kicked you!" Kiba said.
"Kicking a puppy is pretty extreme," Chouji commented, sitting in the hospital bed opposite Kiba.
"It is what we deserve," Shino said, sitting with his usual poise in his hospital bed.
"How is it what we deserve?" Neji demanded, sitting in another hospital bed with his usual scowl. Shino bowed his head, the lights shining ominously over his glasses.
"We prevented a comrade from getting laid," Shino said. "It is simply not the Konoha ninja way."
"... Yeah, I have to agree," Kiba sighed. Akamaru growled. Kiba glared. "Hey, what if I kept you from scoring with a hot bitch?"
The dog lowered his head as though conceding the point.
"NOOOO! GAI-SENSEIIII!" Sobbed Lee in the last hospital bed.
"Oh man, Lee's painkillers wore off," Chouji sighed.
"Ah, then I'm just in time," Tenten observed wryly from the door to the room. She walked in, dropping some earplugs into Neji's grateful hands. She walked over to the wailing Lee and handed him a bouquet of flowers. "Lee? You okay?"
"NO! I AM NOT, FRIEND TENTEN!" Lee cried, his tears gushing from his eyes comically. Tenten handed out an umbrella to a grateful Kiba.
"Where do you keep all that stuff, anyway?" Kiba asked. Tenten rolled her eyes and held up a storage scroll.
"Ninja," she said.
"I've got some stuff she can store, and I know just where I want to stuff it, heheheh," Akamaru barked happily. Tenten smiled and cuddled Akamaru to her chest.
"Aw! Such a sweetie!"
"Isn't he?" Kiba said dryly, giving his best friend a slightly reproachful look. Akamaru snorted.
"Hey, no cockblocking remember?."
"Sorry, sorry," Kiba sighed. "So, can you fix the noise now?" He asked as he jerked his thumb to the wailing Lee. Tenten sighed and patted Lee's hand.
"There there Lee..."
"I failed! I have failed Gai-sensei! He's still in Anko-san's nefarious clutches!"
"Lucky bastard," Shino said plainly. Lee wailed harder.
"And now Sasuke-san is going to fall to the same fate as Gai-sensei and Naruto-san!" Lee sobbed. "It's all my fault!"
"Well to be fair, there's plenty of fault to go around," Tenten said dryly as she gave the rest of the occupants a scowl.
"We didn't do anything!" Kiba countered.
"Which is exactly my point." Tenten replied. Akamaru snuggled deeper into her bosom, clearly uninterested in the rest of the conversation.
Neji tilted his head to one side as though about to reply... until everyone realized that he'd put the earplugs in already and had missed what had been said.
Shino asked in a level tone, "What would you have had us do?"
"Oh I don't know... Save them?" Tenten asked. "As if Naruto and Sasuke weren't screwed up enough..."
"Lee's intervention actually prevented Sasuke from getting sufficiently screwed. Hence our current condition." Shino responded.
"Was... that a joke?" Tenten stared.
Kiba snickered.
"Sasuke I understand," Chouji began, as he tossed Lee another box of tissues to sob into. "But Naruto?"
"He's a ninja who wears safety orange," Tenten said. "Clearly he's got issues..." She looked over at the sobbing Lee, and then back at Neji who was brooding. "And he's in good company."
"Sure you don't want to become a ninja psychologist?" Kiba asked. "I mean, that was really insightful!"
"Already in my plan," Tenten said with a wave of her hand. "I'll just use the data I've collected in private sessions to publish a book series, become rich, and retire to some tropical island."
"That is incredibly deceitful and cynical," Shino observed. Tenten smirked.
"Ninja."
"I was complimenting you," Shino said, still in his usual monotone. Tenten raised an eyebrow, and looked over at Kiba. The Inuzuka boy grinned.
"It's a subtle art to tell when he's doing that," he said. Tenten nodded.
"I see..."
"Anyway, nothing we can do about it now," Chouji sighed. He saluted. "Godspeed, Naruto, you lucky bastard!"
"You lucky bastard," Shino and Kiba agreed. Neji was relaxing, enjoying the silence his earplugs afforded. Lee cried harder. Tenten sighed and shook her head.
"You honestly are just going to abandon them? I mean, Gai-sensei's a consenting adult! But Naruto and Sasuke are entirely too innocent for whatever it is Anko is going to put them through."
Chouji, Kiba and even Shino all sighed wistfully at that.
"And what's this about Anko, Sasuke, Naruto and Gai?" Asked a commanding voice at the door to the room. Tenten gulped, and slowly turned around. Even Lee stopped his blubbering long enough to look up in horror, and Akamaru whimpered.
For at the entrance to the hospital room stood the Fifth Hokage of Konoha, Tsunade herself. With her assistant Shizune gaping in shock behind her.
"... I'm not here," Neji said, putting his pillow over his face.
- - - - -
- - - - - -
Sasuke continued to stare, much like a mouse mesmerized by a snake ready to strike. In a lot of ways, she was a snake ready to strike.
"Eyes up here, or I bite you," she warned him.
An extremely masochistic part of Sasuke demanded he defy her, but he defied it instead and looked up at her.
"So what brings you to my door, little Uchiha?"
Sasuke took a deep breath and regained his composure as he stared at Anko. She didn't seem to mind that she was standing outside her door in just an apron. In all honesty, she didn't seem to mind going around in next to nothing at all more than anything and if Sasuke asked around, he would've found that her neighbors didn't mind her going around in next to nothing either.
"I guess my first question is, why are you just wearing an apron?"
"It's laundry day, do you have any idea how easily wire mesh bodysuits get dirty? It's a real pain in the ass." Anko smiled. "That's not the reason you're here, are you?"
"Well no, of course not! I came to talk to you about Naruto." It was really hard to focus with that amazing body covered by so little right in front of him. His face reddening, he shuffled his feet as he tried to maintain that wavering focus on her face.
"You should stop taking advantage of him." There, he got it out. Simple, precise, and to the point.
"He's doomed," Neji sighed.
"Yeah, but what a way to go," Kiba drooled.
"She's magically babelicious," Shino observed.
"... Did you actually just say that?" Chouji asked, eating popcorn.
Anko raised an eyebrow, and after a moment of staring at Sasuke, she grew suspicious. "What do you mean by 'taking advantage'? What have you heard?"
Sasuke resisted recoiling at this. "What do you mean what have I heard? I haven't heard anything from anyone!"
He took a few quick breaths. "I just happened to notice Naruto looking pretty rough after hanging out with you..." he fidgeted some. "Like just now! He looked exhausted, what were you and him and Gai-sensei doing in there?"
"Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed quietly as he tried not to burst into tears, and failed. Neji sighed and patted his shoulder.
"There. There," he stated in a monotone.
Anko's suspicion turned into surprise, and then her eyes narrowed seductively. "Oh, I never kiss and tell, sorry."
Sasuke did recoil this time. "K-kiss and tell?!"
Neji quickly caught this, and grew wide-eyed.
"What? What did she say?" Chouji asked.
"Kiss... And tell!" Neji gasped.
"Holy crap!" Kiba cried, his cheeks turning red. "She is Naruto's kinky mistress!"
"I must call him Naruto-sama from now on," Shino said. "Truly he is the master now."
"He's the master by being the bitch?" Kiba asked.
"With that woman?" Shino asked. Kiba nodded.
"Good point..."
"You two are pathetic," Neji muttered.
"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee wailed. Neji sighed.
"Nevermind..."
"You know-" Anko's thought stopped when she heard Lee's distant yell and she glanced towards his direction. Seeing nothing, she let her eyes go back to Sasuke, whose expression was a mixture of fury, envy, and disbelief as his brain unlocked enough for him to speak again.
"Y-you and him... and Gai-sensei?!" He shook his head, and attempted to get angry. "J-just having your way with him?!"
Anko smirked, oh he looked so delicious like this. "Oh come on, Uchiha. Why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of monster? I never would've done anything with Naruto if he didn't want it."
Sasuke's jaw practically detached from his head, it fell so fast.
Anko wrapped her arms around her waist, holding herself and squeezing her breasts together enticingly. "In fact, he was so insistent! He actually got on his knees and begged for me to play with him. Honestly, who am I to refuse someone who wanted to be with me so bad?"
Neji's entire face went bright red, to the point his Byakugan eyes looked bloodshot. Chouji stopped eating his chips. Kiba and Shino were already thinking of ways to convince Naruto to share his secrets. Lee was chomping at the bit to dive in to rescue his sensei, but Neji managed to keep a tight hold on the spandex.
"I... you... wha...?" Sasuke could find no words as he beheld this revelation. "B-but Gai-sensei-"
Anko glanced back. "Him?" She looked back to Sasuke. "What he and I get up to is something else entirely, but he doesn't mind; in fact he joins in from time to time. Naruto doesn't mind it either, he thinks the more the merrier after all, and I agree. But it's so tiring, you know? Gai's having a nap right now to recuperate."
Neji was now cursing his bloodline straight to hell and wishing he could gouge out his own eyes. The other members of the Distraction Team were not faring much better. Lee was whimpering.
"Gai-sensei...! Is this the sort of thing you told me that only the most fiery of men could experience?" Lee sniffled. "I WISH TO BE JUST AS MAN-MMPH!"
"Quiet! She'll catch us!" Neji growled as he covered Lee's mouth.
Sasuke was staring at her chest now, everything falling by the wayside except for "the more the merrier". Did that mean what he thought it meant?
Anko shamelessly did a bit of ogling of her own, and her smirk grew. "That all said, did you really come here to get me to stop... or did you come to play with me?"
Sasuke just continued to gape at Anko, and he could hear a chorus of dead ancestors suddenly singing great and happy tune for him as the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine beamed onto him. She was asking? She was really asking him to-?
"Because I wouldn't mind playing with you for a few hours... or more."
SHE WAS! YES! SHE WAS TOTALLY ASKING!
As if all the fear had left Sasuke, his composure returned but he did not go back to his usual aloof self. He took it a step further, drifting right into the casually confident that would've had Sakura and Ino fainting on the spot and forgetting all about whatever entanglements they were getting into with Naruto.
Anko blinked, and had to admit, inwardly, that he was one handsome mother fucker when he wasn't being a miserable mope.
"Well, if you're asking-"
"NOOOOOOO!" Rock Lee bellowed as he broke free from Neji's hands. He grabbed the shocked Sasuke and threw him over his shoulder. "You will not take another for your unyouthful desires!"
He leaped away like a rocket, but only after throwing down a handful of smoke bombs that enveloped everything in a thick cloud of white. Neji groaned.
"Run! Mission accomplished!" Neji said as the group fled.
"What about Gai-sensei?" Chouji asked.
"What about Gai-sensei?" Neji snorted.
Kiba was in tears. "I can't believe it... Naruto is my hero! I never wanted to be someone's bitch so much!"
Shino would've commented on Kiba already being everyone's bitch, but he was too busy being stuck in awe of Naruto.
And running.
- - - - - -
"Okay, come on! Let's start this properly," Sakura said, her hands glowing green from a healing jutsu as she pressed them to the sides of Naruto's head. "After Naruto's concussion is healed..."
"Which I'd like to point out, you caused," Ino said flatly. "Naruto, you okay?"
"Urgh... I think I'm still concussed..." Naruto said, staring up at the sky. "Am I supposed to see angels?"
"Stop flattering me, moron!" Sakura growled, smacking Naruto's cheek.
"Ow!" Naruto groaned as he sat up, rubbing his cheek. "Hey!"
Hinata blushed brightly as Ino giggled.
"Now come on! We need to focus on your unhealthy relationship with Anko Mitarashi," Sakura said sternly. Naruto huffed.
"I'm not doing anything unhealthy! I get lots of exercise with Anko-nee-chan!" Naruto said flatly.
Hinata looked torn between lust and rage. Ino was mostly lust. Sakura sighed and rolled her eyes in disgust.
"That kind of 'exercise' is not appropriate for you!" Sakura said angrily. "You're being used by Anko for... For...!"
"For what?" Naruto asked, blinking. "What do you think I'm doing, huh?"
"She's... She's doing perverse, twisted things to you!" Sakura growled.
"What?! No she isn't!" Naruto growled.
"Oh? Then what are you doing?" Sakura asked flatly. Naruto hesitated. Ino pounced next.
"It's a simple question, Naruto," Ino said. "I mean, maybe you don't know any better. In which case, you shouldn't spare a single dirty detail." Ino drooled. "Especially if it involves spanking."
"What?! Spanking?!" Naruto gasped.
"Spanking?!" Hinata cried, holding her hands to her cheeks.
"Yes! Spanking! And possibly whipping, Anko looks the type," Ino sighed.
"I don't get whipped!" Naruto cried.
Sakura tried to ignore the fact Hinata and Ino both looked a bit disappointed at this. Hinata more so for some reason...
"Look Naruto. Sometimes you can be led into thinking something is okay when it's not because you're... Well... Stupid," Sakura said.
"I'm not stupid!" Naruto growled. "There are plenty of people who are dumber than me!"
"Name some," Sakura challenged.
"Konohamaru!" Naruto said.
"You're smarter than an academy student. A gerbil is smarter than an academy student!" Sakura growled.
"We-Weren't we all academy students?" Hinata asked Ino. Ino shook her head.
"That wouldn't get in her way..."
"No I'm..." Naruto paused. "Isn't!"
"Look Naruto, we're trying to help you so cooperate! Accept you have a problem, that's step one! And your problem is that you're in a sadomasochist relationship with a crazy snake lady!"
"I am not!" Naruto growled.
"M-Maybe we should check Naruto's body? Just in case...?" Hinata suggested. Sakura smiled.
"Of course! That's perfect! Hinata can just us her Byakugan-"
"No!" Ino growled. She coughed at the looks from the others. "I mean... We need to all check, and verify that Naruto isn't suffering from physical abuse."
"I-I could just Byakugan-"
"And then you'll pass out and we won't get anything done," Ino said. Hinata blushed.
"I-I won't pass out! I don't pass out all the other times I'm... Oh... Oh dear," Hinata mumbled, covering her face. Naruto blinked.
"What?"
"Nothing! Naruto, strip down!" Sakura growled.
"Hey! I'm not stripping down!" Naruto said back.
"Just do it Naruto!"
"No!"
Sakura sighed... And looked over at Ino. Ino nodded. Sakura smirked, and then looked back at Naruto.
"But Naruto... We're all just concerned for you! Look how concerned Ino is!" Sakura said. Naruto blinked as he looked at her. He started at her teary eyes and hands clasped in front of her chest.
"Please Naruto... Can't you let us check you... Just so we know nothing's going on?"
"N-N-Nothing's going on!" Naruto insisted.
"Then you should be just fine with letting us examine you," Sakura said. Naruto looked to Hinata for help. The Hyuuga heiress too was blushing severely, but she managed a very concerned and guilt inducing look. Naruto sighed.
"Oh... Fine," he muttered.
Naruto pulled off his jacket, and then tossed it aside. Sakura noticed that Ino and Hinata were both breathing harder. She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.
"T-Shirt too," Sakura said.
Naruto looked more than a bit concerned. "Er, well, it's not like I-"
"We're checking everywhere Naruto, now off!" Sakura ordered. "It's nothing I haven't seen before."
"What do you mean by that, hmm?" Ino asked, raising an eyebrow.
"She-She means when she's seen Naruto go swimming... R-Right?" Hinata asked, with just a tiny bit of menace. Sakura nodded.
"Of course that's when I saw him!"
"Oh good, you already saw me so I can just go-" Naruto reached for his jacket, but a glare from Sakura stopped him. He sighed. "Fine..." He reached down and gripped the edge of his shirt. He pulled it up over his head. Hinata sucked in a deep breath, and Ino licked her lips. Sakura rolled her eyes.
"Turn around," Sakura said, spinning her hand around.
"Yes, definitely turn around," Ino hummed. Naruto grumbled and did so, twisting around on one foot.
"There, happy?" Asked Naruto, irritated.
"Oh yes, very happy," Ino purred, which made the blonde ninja blush. Hinata blushed as well, her fingers tapping together.
"You can see that I don't have any horrible scarring, right?" Naruto asked, irritated. "Can I go now?"
"Well," Sakura began, but Ino shook her head furiously.
"No! We haven't seen... All of you," Ino said with a wide smile. Naruto gaped.
"Wh-What?!"
"Y-Yes... Everything," Hinata mumbled. Sakura grimaced.
We could just skip to the sexy orgy part, suggested Inner Sakura.
Shut up you! Sakura growled.
You can't resist me forever!
Sakura ignored her inner self and returned her attention to Naruto, who was pushing down his pants. She had to admit, the blonde knucklehead was nice and ripped. And after learning Sasuke was into older women she felt just a bit disappointed with her crush. But still, Naruto was an idiot.
A nice, hot idiot who is eager to please-
Sakura covered her ears. "Lalalalalala!"
"Uh... Sakura? You all right?" Naruto asked. Ino shook her head.
"Don't mind her, she's just having issues," the blonde kunoichi said, dispelling his concerns with a wave of her hand. "Now then..." She leered. "The boxers, please."
"What?!" Naruto squawked.
"Hey, when we say everything, we mean everything," Ino said. "Isn't that right Hinata? ... Hinata?"
Sakura pulled her hands away from her ears and looked down at Hinata, who had fainted with a happy smile on her red face. Sakura sighed.
"Look Naruto, the sooner we get this over, the better all right?" Sakura said. "I mean, we could do something worse to you."
"What could be worse than this?!" Naruto demanded.
"Oh, I can think of a few things," Ino moaned softly.
"Ino, would you control yourself?!" Sakura growled.
"I'm just sticking to the plan, Forehead, what are you doing?" Ino asked pointedly. Sakura coughed. Ino grinned. "Having second thoughts, hm?"
"N-No! I'm just not sure we need to go... That far, you know?" Sakura admitted.
Goddamnit Outer, would you stop being a pussy and let me do my thing? Inner Sakura demanded.
Shut up already! You'll get your chance when you're needed! Sakura thought back.
Surrrre I will, Queen of the Prudes. With you in charge we're never going to get laid! Even when it's for a freaking good cause!
"I-HEY!" Sakura growled as she saw Naruto trying to sneak away. "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, NARUTO!"
"Look, I really don't know what's going on but I'm getting out of here! This is really weird!" Naruto insisted as he bent over to pick up his clothes. Sakura cursed as Ino licked her lips.
"Guess it's time for Plan B then," Ino said cheerfully. She began to undo her robes.
Oh for crying out loud, would you PLEASE let me handle this? Inner Sakura demanded. I won't even go to the nookie option... Yet.
Sakura considered... And sighed.
Fine.
YIPPEE!
Ino observed that Sakura's eyes dilated, and then her pupils shrunk. A twisted grin came over her face. She turned to the unconscious Hinata and kneeled down next to her. She took her by the shoulders and shook her.
"Hinata! Hinata! Wake up!" Sakura insisted. "Naruto is in danger!"
Hinata's eyes snapped open. "In-In danger? Naruto?!"
"Yes!" Sakura insisted with as much conviction as she could muster. "And if you don't get his boxers off right now he will DIE! Do you understand?!"
"What?!" Naruto gasped as he turned around. "There's nothing wrong with my-!"
There was a whoosh, and a moment later Naruto felt... Something of a draft. He looked down, his eyes widening and his jaw dropping.
"I've saved you, Naruto-kun!" Hinata gasped, standing behind him. He turned around... And Hinata fainted happily away, clutching his torn boxers to her chest.
"I am so, so sorry for doubting you Sakura," Ino moaned happily.
"Do you see anything?" Sakura asked, having put Inner back under where she belonged. Ino sighed.
"Wonderful things."
"ACK!" Naruto cried, covering his shame as best he could with his hands. "You-You-HEY! You're acting like-like-!"
"Like a bunch of perverts making my Naruto-kun strip for your pleasure," purred a sensual and dangerous voice. Sakura immediately turned around to sputter her denials... And they died in her throat.
"How very... Very interesting," Anko Mitarashi said with a grin.
"Damnit Forehead," Ino muttered. Sadly, Sakura's Inner was saying the same thing.
- - - - - -
"Haa... Haa... Haa..." Sasuke lowered his hands as he finished his beat down of his male comrades. The only one to escape his furious fists and jutsu was Shikamaru, who had arrived just in time to watch.
"Ergh... My head," Kiba moaned.
"My youth!" Lee gasped.
Akamaru would have contributed to the sounds of pain, but Sasuke had punted him into the next training area.
"I am in incredible pain. Unbelievable pain. You really are a sadistic foe," Shino groaned, somehow in a monotone.
"Owwwww," Chouji contributed.
"What the hell was that for?" Neji demanded. Sasuke stared in disbelief at the Hyuuga prince.
"Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!" Sasuke growled. "I had the chance to bang Anko Sexy Psycho Babe Mitarashi! And you guys fucked it up!" He turned away and ran a hand over his face. "That was my... My only chance, too! I will never, ever have another chance with her!" He turned back to his injured friends and grabbed Lee, shaking him by the shoulders.
"How could you do this to me, man?!" He demanded. Lee stared back.
"I am sorry, Sasuke-san... But I could not let you suffer the same fate as Naruto and Gai-sensei-OH MY BELOVED GAI-SENSEI!" Sobbed Lee. "STILL IN THE CLUTCHES OF THAT WOMAN!"
Lee rolled back and forth, crying almost pitifully. Neji sighed and patted Lee's shoulder.
"There. There," Neji said blandly.
"As much as I hate to admit it, he has a point," Shikamaru spoke up. "You probably should have just left him to his fate. If he wanted it that much."
"Fine then," Chouji groaned. "Next time we will leave you to get banged by the hot older psycho chick."
"Thank you!" Sasuke growled.
"Just as we let you get bit by that other crazy psycho chick," snarked Kiba. "OW OW OW NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE!"
Sasuke was not as forgiving as Hinata, so he went back to kicking Kiba in the balls.
"That's just uncalled for," Shikamaru noted.
"You're not stopping it," Chouji observed. Shikamaru shrugged.
"Nope."
Sasuke stormed off angrily, and began to mutter to himself as he stalked through the trees.
"Avenger's log, supplemental. To hell with that bastard. To hell with everyone. Everyone's on my revenge list, right after Itachi. I'm gonna have sooo much hatred to crush him with it's not even going to be funny. Except it will be funny especially when I rip his tongue out and shove it right up his-"
"Sasuke!"
Sasuke paused in his muttering to look over at a familiar, attractive form nearby tree. Ayame Ichiraku stood there, her hands wringing together as she fretted.
"Hn?" Sasuke asked, his hormone addled state making him look her up and down. "What?"
"Is-Is Naruto all right?" Ayame asked earnestly. "I tried to go to Anko's home but um..." She pointed to a few senbon sticking out of her hat. "I'm not that fond of getting killed."
"As far as I know, he's fine," Sasuke growled. "Enjoying the attentions of the most babelicious woman in Konoha! Whom I will never get to enjoy..."
"Enjoying?! You really think that?" Ayame demanded. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "He's an-an innocent idiot who is enthralled by that witch! Please, you're his best friend! Can't you do something?"
"Innocent? What do you mean, 'innocent'?! He invented that stupid Sexy Jutsu!" Sasuke growled, gently gripping her wrists and pulling her hands away. Ayame sighed.
"Yeah, but... Well... He didn't exactly come up with that alone," she said. Sasuke blinked.
"What do you mean?" He asked. Ayame sighed, and lifted a hand up to her cheek.
"Well... It's kind of embarrassing, but..."
"But?" Sasuke prompted.
Ayame looked at Sasuke with a mild blush. "I was... The model for his sexy jutsu."
Sasuke's jaw dropped. His Sharingan came out and he looked her up and down. Ayame blinked.
"... What are you doing?"
"Analyzing your body structure and language," Sasuke said. "Try posing sexily. Better yet, maybe you should strip down-"
"PERVERT!" Ayame shouted, smacking Sasuke.
"URK!"
Okay... Clearly some violence issues... But I can totally work with that, Sasuke thought.
Besides, the new Uchiha matriarch would need some inner fire.
- - - - -
Sakura gulped quite loudly, but was able to keep her terror under control. After all, she had faced Zabuza, Orochimaru, and Gaara of the Sand! Surely she could prevent herself from losing bladder control just because she was confronted with Anko Mitarashi!
"It's... It's not what it looks like," Sakura managed. Anko hummed thoughtfully and rubbed her chin.
"I don't know... It looks a lot like three girls working together to seduce my Naruto-kun," she said. She snapped her fingers. "Off with the robes!"
"Wh-What?" Sakura gasped.
"What?!" Naruto gasped back. "Anko-nee-chan-!"
"Now," Anko growled with more than a little menace and killing intent. Sakura repressed a meep, sighed, and undid her utilitarian robe. She opened it up, and let it drop to the ground. Naruto gasped, and the pink haired girl had to admit-She liked the fact Naruto was reacting to her (slightly modified) nurse's uniform.
Time for a check up, darling! Mwahahahahaha! Inner Sakura cackled.
Oh shut up! Sakura thought back.
"Uh huh," Anko said, raising an eyebrow and nodding. "I see... You! Blonde girl! Off!"
"Well... If you insist," Ino said. She shrugged off her robe as well, and posed with a grin as she unveiled a rather brief and sexy black and purple lolita dress. Naruto's jaw dropped and his face turned bright red as he beheld this latest development. "What do you think, Naruto~?"
"Um... Uh," Naruto managed. Anko hummed.
"Not bad, not bad... Oi! Hyuuga girl!"
"Uh... Y-Yes?" Hinata asked, having returned to consciousness. She was looking anywhere but directly at Naruto, lest she faint again.
"Off, now," Anko ordered. Hinata trembled, but did as directed. Her robe fell, and Naruto's eyes bulged out as he got a good look at Hinata's long legs and curves barely contained in a sexy schoolgirl outfit. With shaking hands, Hinata pulled out some glasses and set them on her face, completing the image.
"H-Hinata?!" Naruto gasped.
"Do... Do you like it, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked shyly, tapping her fingers together and blushing for maximum moe effect.
Why do I feel strangely envious? Sakura and Ino both thought.
"Huh... Sexy Nurse, Sexy Lolita, Sexy Schoolgirl," Anko observed. She nodded approvingly. "Clearly you've got some potential when it comes to seduction missions!"
"S-S-Seduction mission?!" Naruto squeaked. "Th-That's what this is about?!"
"Well duh Naruto-chan," Anko said with a grin. "Why else would they kidnap you and tempt you with sexy cosplay?"
"Um... Lots of reasons...?" Sakura tried.
"We're not letting you have my Naruto," Hinata said in determination, her Byakugan flaring to life as she glared at Anko. "And-And even if I have to share with... With others, we will save him!"
"And seduce him!" Ino added with a broad grin.
"Hooray," Sakura added, almost entirely without enthusiasm. Anko hummed, looking quite calm while inside she was laughing her ass off. She then looked over at the flabberghasted Naruto and grinned.
"Well Naru-chan... Clearly there's only one thing to do," she said quite gravely.
"Wh-What?" Naruto asked. Anko grinned.
"Let's just see how good they really are at this seduction mission, hmmm?"
Inside Naruto's mind...
"AT LAST! MY TIME HAS COME! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Libido Naruto cackled.
"Not yet it hasn't!" Reason Naruto shouted. "Something weird is going on! Why would all three of these girls want us at the same time?"
"OUR YOUTHFULNESS!" Youth Naruto declared.
"OUR AWESOMENESS!" Courage Naruto shouted.
"Mmmph mmngle!" Insecurity Naruto tried, but he was still struggling in bondage.
Morality Naruto held his peace, content to just wait and see what was going to happen.
"Who cares?!" Libido Naruto said. "They want a seduction mission, let's give 'em a seduction mission!"
"The point of a seduction mission is to resist the wiles of kunoichi," pointed out Reason Naruto.
"No, the point of a seduction mission is to make the kunoichi change sides after we bang them so well!" Libido Naruto retorted, pounding his chest. "Clearly this is our chance to demonstrate that!"
"I AGREE!" Youth Naruto declared. "Besides, is not copulation one of the finest expressions of youth there is?"
"BLAST THEM TO THE HEAVENS!" Courage Naruto shouted.
"Looks like you're outnumbered, ol' Four Eyes!" Libido Naruto grinned. "What are you going to do about it?"
"Oh gee, I don't know," Reason Naruto said, rubbing his chin. "How about-KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"
"Wait, what-?" Libido Naruto got punched in the face, and a tremendous brawl broke out. Morality Naruto sighed and watched the battle in exasperation.
"Can't we all just get along?" He asked. A Rasengan nailed him in the face, and he rose with a furious expression.
"That's it! DIVINE WRATH TIME, ASSHOLES!" He shouted.
Outside, Naruto reacted to the conflict within him the simplest way possible: He fainted with a spectacular nosebleed.
"So... Does that mean we win?" Sakura asked. Anko grinned and summoned several large snakes.
"Nope~," the kunoichi grinned. "It means you fail~."
"CHEESE IT!" Sakura screamed.
Wait, wait, I want to see where this goes! Inner Sakura tried, but Sakura overruled her by punching herself in the head and running like crazy.
"We'll be back for you, Naruto!" Ino shouted as she dragged the furious Hinata away.
"NO! NOOOO! WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM HERE!" Hinata wailed, still clinging to Naruto's boxers. Anko watched the kunoichi retreat with a sigh, and shook her head.
"Amateurs," she muttered. She eyed the passed out Naruto, and then grinned.
"On the other hand, this does make my fun last much, much longer..."
- - - - -
Ayame walked down the path angrily. Sasuke followed her, waving his hands in appeasement.
"Come on! I meant it as a compliment!"
"No!" Ayame growled.
"You know, this is entirely illogical," Sasuke pointed out. "You flashed Naruto. Why not me?"
Ayame turned around and glared at Sasuke with a furious blush on her cheeks.
"I-I didn't flash him!" Ayame insisted, waving her finger in his face. "I modeled for him! He needed to know anatomy for his jutsu!"
"So did he let you draw you too?" Sasuke snarked. Ayame glared and smacked his face. "Urk!"
"You really need to learn how to talk to girls," Ayame stated. "Otherwise you're never restarting your clan!"
"Oh, and Naruto knows how to do so better?" Sasuke growled. Ayame snorted.
"As a matter of fact, he does!"
Sasuke raised a finger, sucking in a breath... And then he deflated.
Damn her for having a point... He turned around and scratched the back of his head.
"Avenger's log, supplemental... The Ramen girl has a point. Clearly I must change my approach if I am to get her to become my bride and mother to my new clan," Sasuke murmured. "Naruto has attracted a great deal of female attention. I swear I saw Tsunami checking him out more than once. But what is the secret? Why must I only get useless fangirls instead of hot, spirited, intelligent and mature women after me?"
Ayame blinked a few times. "Are... You okay?"
"What, do I have to paint whiskers on my face? Must I scream loudly? I already love her ramen, not that I can ever reveal that. Naruto would never let me hear the end of it," Sasuke continued to mutter.
Ayame moved in front of Sasuke and waved her hand in front of his face. "Um, Sasuke? Hello?"
Sasuke's eyes narrowed and he became even more broody. He continued, paying Ayame no attention. "So clearly Naruto has figured out something I have not. And in order to discover this, he must be freed of Mitarashi. Besides, he can also aid me in attracting his hot surrogate big sister."
Ayame grabbed his shoulders and turned Sasuke to face her. She shook him, a worried expression on her face.
"Who are you talking to?"
Sasuke blinked a few times, and coughed.
"... I'm... Complicated?"
Ayame stared a bit longer. "... How about you help me rescue Naruto and I'll just keep this to myself?"
"Will you at least consider becoming my wife and mother to my reborn clan?" Sasuke asked. Ayame sighed.
She had seen Itachi, after all. And Sasuke was his little brother. So yeah, that part of Ayame was totally fine with waiting for Sasuke to grow up a bit.
"Until then, can I see you naked?" The Uchiha heir asked, going for broke.
Ayame glared and smacked the back of Sasuke's head.
"Don't push it!"
"Ow," Sasuke muttered. "Avenger's log... That strike was surprisingly arousing."
"STOP THAT!" Ayame growled. Sasuke coughed and nodded.
"Sorry."
- - - - -
"Uhhhh... Wha... What happened?" Naruto mumbled. His eyes widened as he shot up. "I MUST HAVE THEM ALL!"
He caught his breath and looked around. He was sitting in Anko's bed, a formally cold washcloth falling down into his lap. He blinked.
"Huh? What's... How...?"
"Well well, you are awake," Anko purred. Naruto looked up and saw his Anko-nee-chan entering the room, carrying a plate of snacks. He smiled.
"Anko-nee-chan! You saved me!" Naruto gasped. "... I think..." He frowned deeply, his eyes closed in thought. "I'm not really sure if I'm happy about that."
"Good, good," Anko said approvingly as she set down the plate on the nightstand next to him. "If you were totally sure about that, I'd have to smack you one."
Anko then proceeded to smack Naruto upside his head. The blonde yelped.
"Ow! Hey!"
"But I am smacking you upside the head for putting on a show for those shameless girls," Anko tutted, shaking her head. "You really should know better, Naru-chan!"
"I should?" Naruto asked. Anko smirked.
"Of course! You should know just how to deal with that sort of situation." Her smirk grew as she leaned over the bed. "And I'm going to train you properly~."
"Training? I don't know," Naruto hummed.
"Listen, I'm an awesome ninja, right?" Anko asked quite reasonably. Naruto nodded.
"Yeah! You totally are!"
"Damn right!" Anko said with a proud grin as she thumped her chest. "And you want to be even more awesome, right?"
"Right!" Naruto confirmed with a bright smile. Anko returned it.
"So, if you get trained by me in countering kunoichi, you might become almost as awesome as me!"
"Bah! I'll become way more awesome than you, Nee-chan!" Naruto declared. He grinned and stood up, posing dramatically. "Just teach me how, Anko-nee-chan!"
"Good!" Anko said approvingly. "But first, you're going to want to put some pants on." She smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Unless you like flashing girls with your-"
"ACK!" Naruto cried, trying to cover himself and falling off the bed. "OOF!"
Anko chuckled. "Still got it... Now just get ready Naru-chan."
"Ow, ow... What are you doing?" Naruto asked. Anko smirked as she turned and walked out.
"I'm just going to check on Gai-kun, of course~," she crooned. Naruto nodded.
"Okay! Have fun with that!" He turned to his dresser, and began to dress without a care in the world.
- - - - - -
In the Konoha Hospital Complex, there is a room resumed for those cases that are absolutely terminal. Where only a miracle (or an editor accidentally ending up in the production booth) will save these poor souls from a meeting with the Shinigami. Where even Tsunade's greatest efforts will fail.
This... Is not the room the unfortunate victims of Sasuke's rampage were in, but they certainly felt like they belonged in that room.
"Argh," Kiba groaned. Akamaru snorted on his lap and barked a few rude things in dog. Kiba glared.
"Shut up! This is not my fault," he stated.
Akamaru sniffed and poked his nose into the air. "It totally is. If you'd just let the jerk get what was coming to him, he wouldn't have gone all Avenger on us."
"Avenger? He just kicked you!" Kiba said.
"Kicking a puppy is pretty extreme," Chouji commented, sitting in the hospital bed opposite Kiba.
"It is what we deserve," Shino said, sitting with his usual poise in his hospital bed.
"How is it what we deserve?" Neji demanded, sitting in another hospital bed with his usual scowl. Shino bowed his head, the lights shining ominously over his glasses.
"We prevented a comrade from getting laid," Shino said. "It is simply not the Konoha ninja way."
"... Yeah, I have to agree," Kiba sighed. Akamaru growled. Kiba glared. "Hey, what if I kept you from scoring with a hot bitch?"
The dog lowered his head as though conceding the point.
"NOOOO! GAI-SENSEIIII!" Sobbed Lee in the last hospital bed.
"Oh man, Lee's painkillers wore off," Chouji sighed.
"Ah, then I'm just in time," Tenten observed wryly from the door to the room. She walked in, dropping some earplugs into Neji's grateful hands. She walked over to the wailing Lee and handed him a bouquet of flowers. "Lee? You okay?"
"NO! I AM NOT, FRIEND TENTEN!" Lee cried, his tears gushing from his eyes comically. Tenten handed out an umbrella to a grateful Kiba.
"Where do you keep all that stuff, anyway?" Kiba asked. Tenten rolled her eyes and held up a storage scroll.
"Ninja," she said.
"I've got some stuff she can store, and I know just where I want to stuff it, heheheh," Akamaru barked happily. Tenten smiled and cuddled Akamaru to her chest.
"Aw! Such a sweetie!"
"Isn't he?" Kiba said dryly, giving his best friend a slightly reproachful look. Akamaru snorted.
"Hey, no cockblocking remember?."
"Sorry, sorry," Kiba sighed. "So, can you fix the noise now?" He asked as he jerked his thumb to the wailing Lee. Tenten sighed and patted Lee's hand.
"There there Lee..."
"I failed! I have failed Gai-sensei! He's still in Anko-san's nefarious clutches!"
"Lucky bastard," Shino said plainly. Lee wailed harder.
"And now Sasuke-san is going to fall to the same fate as Gai-sensei and Naruto-san!" Lee sobbed. "It's all my fault!"
"Well to be fair, there's plenty of fault to go around," Tenten said dryly as she gave the rest of the occupants a scowl.
"We didn't do anything!" Kiba countered.
"Which is exactly my point." Tenten replied. Akamaru snuggled deeper into her bosom, clearly uninterested in the rest of the conversation.
Neji tilted his head to one side as though about to reply... until everyone realized that he'd put the earplugs in already and had missed what had been said.
Shino asked in a level tone, "What would you have had us do?"
"Oh I don't know... Save them?" Tenten asked. "As if Naruto and Sasuke weren't screwed up enough..."
"Lee's intervention actually prevented Sasuke from getting sufficiently screwed. Hence our current condition." Shino responded.
"Was... that a joke?" Tenten stared.
Kiba snickered.
"Sasuke I understand," Chouji began, as he tossed Lee another box of tissues to sob into. "But Naruto?"
"He's a ninja who wears safety orange," Tenten said. "Clearly he's got issues..." She looked over at the sobbing Lee, and then back at Neji who was brooding. "And he's in good company."
"Sure you don't want to become a ninja psychologist?" Kiba asked. "I mean, that was really insightful!"
"Already in my plan," Tenten said with a wave of her hand. "I'll just use the data I've collected in private sessions to publish a book series, become rich, and retire to some tropical island."
"That is incredibly deceitful and cynical," Shino observed. Tenten smirked.
"Ninja."
"I was complimenting you," Shino said, still in his usual monotone. Tenten raised an eyebrow, and looked over at Kiba. The Inuzuka boy grinned.
"It's a subtle art to tell when he's doing that," he said. Tenten nodded.
"I see..."
"Anyway, nothing we can do about it now," Chouji sighed. He saluted. "Godspeed, Naruto, you lucky bastard!"
"You lucky bastard," Shino and Kiba agreed. Neji was relaxing, enjoying the silence his earplugs afforded. Lee cried harder. Tenten sighed and shook her head.
"You honestly are just going to abandon them? I mean, Gai-sensei's a consenting adult! But Naruto and Sasuke are entirely too innocent for whatever it is Anko is going to put them through."
Chouji, Kiba and even Shino all sighed wistfully at that.
"And what's this about Anko, Sasuke, Naruto and Gai?" Asked a commanding voice at the door to the room. Tenten gulped, and slowly turned around. Even Lee stopped his blubbering long enough to look up in horror, and Akamaru whimpered.
For at the entrance to the hospital room stood the Fifth Hokage of Konoha, Tsunade herself. With her assistant Shizune gaping in shock behind her.
"... I'm not here," Neji said, putting his pillow over his face.
- - - - -