Lesser Teachings of Negi Springfield


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Not With That Girl.

"Chisame, I feel I need to ask you, as your teacher and Magister, something I have been stalling far too long," Negi told her, very seriously. "As a virtual idol, is there anyone who has bothered you, or even harassed you, online?"

"Hmmm?" Chisame thought back of it. "No, most of the dorks are actually quite well behaved. Well, there's this guy who always asks Chiu to wear fundoshi, I guess... And that guy with the giant spider obsession, who would like to see Chiu wrapped in a giant web... And that weirdo who always wants to see me doing Yandere cosplay and wielding knives... And the one who once asked me if I could pose as if several long lances were piercing me at once... And there's another one who wanted me to get breast implants and act like a bimbo... And, and who could forget the one who wanted me to dye my hair green... But, other than those, no, they're all nice subjects!" she shrugged. "Nothing to worry about, see?"

"Y-Yes..." Negi trembled slightly. "I, I see..."


"Excuse me, do you want me to do WHAT?!" Evangeline exclaimed, frankly outraged.

"Through the Internet!" Negi firmly insisted. "Do you think you could teach me how to punch people through the Internet?!"


The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
And the one who once asked me if I could pose as if several long lances were piercing me at once...
Like Yuki Nagato?


California Crackpot
Heh. Negi, you little snot, you make me chuckle...


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Free Time.

"What do you think Tsukuyomi does in her free time?" Konoka suddenly asked, looking into the distance.

Setsuna shuddered visibly. "Ojou-sama, I never think of that, and frankly, I don't believe you should either..."


"Onee-sama," the gray haired twins bowed deeply as she walked in.

She bowed back. "Hansel-chan, Gretel-chan. It's been a while," Then she began bowing for the rest of those others present in the room. "Freed-kun, Nui-chan, Himiko-chan, Vega-sama..."

They replied in turn with polite wavings and the occasional twisted smile.

"How do you do, Yomi-chan."

"Looking just great today, Yomi-chan, hee hee!"

"Hey, took you long enough today. You were busy?"

"Como estas, chavalilla."

"Okay," the group's director and counselor said, slicking his bright green hair back with a hand gloved in purple, "now we are all here, we can start with today's session of our Book Appreciation Club. Today we will be studying Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar and its socio-philosophical implications in the context of the post-globalization current society, after which we will discuss the 1979 film adaptation directed by Larry Peerce..."


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All Webbed Up.

"Oh, so your roommate has a web page?" Tsukuyomi asked. "How interesting! So do I, actually!"

"Seriously, Tsukuyomi-san?" Negi asked.

She frowned. "Of course I'm serious. What, did you think I don't know anything about technology just because I dress traditionally and I'm not texting constantly? Naturally, my page isn't like any other. You only can access it through the Deep Web..."

"What is the Deep Web?" Negi asked.

"There," Tsukuyomi smiled very cutely, "I offer my services as a bodyguard, hitwoman or mercenary, but for a special prize, I also can offer special services..."

"Tsukuyomi-san!" he gasped, scandalized.

She laughed at his intense blush. "No, no, you misunderstand! What do you think I am, a whore?"

"What's a whore?"

Again, she frowned at him. "A bookworm like you has read the Apocalypse. Don't take me for an idiot!"

"Oh, so you are a devil beast of global destruction?" he asked next, slyly.

"No, of course I'm n-- Well played, Negi-han. Well played. Anyway, pay me enough and I'll put small fanservice videos of me doing little things like stepping on kittens, beheading geese, reading Ayn Rand aloud, shredding squirrel monkeys, they're actually cheaper if bought by the dozen from the correct dealers... you know, the kind of material some sophisticated older gentlemen find delightful to see a young lady perform. Always fully dressed, of course," she added with a prim hand on her chest. "It's more erotic that way regardless, although I understand you prefer stripping all women around you? For you, I might just make an excep--"

"No, thank you!!" the horrified Negi gasped.

"I thought you might say that," she sighed. "Then, Negi-han, what does your roommate use her webpage for?"

"She... She runs tutorials on crafts and confection, that's all," he decided to say.


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I, Jezebel! No, You Jezebel!

"Nodoka, I have something I need to confess," Yue said with a strangled voice. "I... I...I really...!"

"You've fallen in love with Negi-sensei, haven't you, Yue-Yue?" Nodoka guessed.

Yue took both hands to her head and cried out her heart wrenching anguish. "Aaaarrrghhh! I have committed a horrible betrayal! Being hated by you was what I always feared the most, and yet, how could I ask you not to? Even I can't forget myself! I was supposed to support you from the bottom of my heart! Instead, I have selfishly heeded the call of my own base desires! How foolish! How dirty! How stupid! I'm the worst, and I had the arrogance of lecturing Inugami-kun on love! I don't have the right to call myself your friend anymore...!"

"Yue," Nodoka calmly said. "That's okay. I like Kotaro-kun much better now."

Yue did a really exaggerated wild take with vertically leaping braids and blank eyes for a moment, then asked, bewildered, "... Seriously!?"

Nodoka nodded categorically.

"... oh," Yue said very quietly after a moment. "Well... this was anticlimactic."

"I suppose it is," Nodoka admitted with a small smile and shrug.

Then Yue narrowed her eyes at her and grumbled, unusually gruff and even hostile, "And what does that boy have that Negi-sensei doesn't...?!"


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Those last two segments are set in my own continuity, so that explains things like Negi rooming with Chisame and Nodoka falling for Kotaro away.


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The Bechdel Test.

"You know," Asuna mused, "last night I was watching a movie review in the TV, and the girl running it said it never passed the Bechdel Test. I wonder what's that?"

"Didn't Konoka know?" Makie asked. "It sounds like some kind of medical thing..."

"Why would anyone apply a medical term to cinema?" Kaede asked in turn.

"I have no idea, I only said it sounded like that," Makie said. "What else could it be, then?"

"I hope it is no test to apply in school, aru," Ku said with concern. "We don't even know what is it, how could us even pass it...!"

"That's not an English word, though, is it?" Makie said. "And English is the only foreign language we take classes on, so..."

"It sounds more like German to this one," Kaede shrugged, "but then again, this one hardly is an expert on gaijin languages."

"Does anyone have Illya-chan's phone number?" Asuna asked.

Then they heard a sigh, and looked towards Yue, who sat nearby reading a book.

"Ah, sorry, that's right, I forgot you were here, Yue," Asuna apologized. "What's a Bechdel Test?"

"Don't worry," Yue flatly said. "You just passed it."

Asuna blinked. "Eh?"

Prince Charon

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"Ah, sorry, that's right, I forgot you were here, Yue," Asuna apologized. "What's a Bechdel Test?"

"Don't worry," Yue flatly said. "You just passed it."

Asuna blinked. "Eh?"
It is a pretty easy test to pass. The point, really, is in how many films and shows and such do fail it.