Nasuverse Mahou Senki Lyrical Days

[Spectrum]

“Kiritsugu-san?” Nanoha shook the unconscious man. “Please wake up! You always knew what to do. What should we do!? Please!”

I realize you're playing off both Nanoha's youth and the generic Japanese anti-gun philosophy, but this does make me laugh, considering half a minute ago she was castigating him for using a gun in the first place.

 

[daniel_gudman]

I thought it was a little artificial when the Magus Killer failed a concentration check like twice in a row, even if he is rusty and sick.

 

[bhl88]

Didn't he break from discovering the truth about the so-called "miracle"?

 

[fraggle]

“Kiritsugu-san?” Nanoha shook the unconscious man. “Please wake up! You always knew what to do. What should we do!? Please!”

I realize you're playing off both Nanoha's youth and the generic Japanese anti-gun philosophy, but this does make me laugh, considering half a minute ago she was castigating him for using a gun in the first place.

The last time thing went wrong ( as in the giant tree) Kiritsugu was there to tell her that she had done well, even if things went south. When the night began she was confident that things would go right because Kiritsugu had planned on how to handle things, and because she was following his orders.

Then her image of Kiritsugu was smashed. She wan't castigating Kiritsugu, she was vocally expressing just how badly the image of the kind Kiritsugu shooting people was having on her spirit. And then he actually tried to shoot Fate before dropping on the spot.

Now you have a nine year old who'se first friend just got fried, impaled and then kidnapped right in front of her while her image of her supposed mentor/guide is completely blown apart.

This is becoming an healing fanfic isn't it?

I thought it was a little artificial when the Magus Killer failed a concentration check like twice in a row, even if he is rusty and sick.

Kiritsugu's mental defenses have been reduced to scrap. Right now countless curses are working on his mind and the sight of a burning city didn't help. Add to that that he really, really doesn't want to show this ugly side to Shirou and you have an problem when said son is deliriously asking what he is doing.

Being Kerry is suffering.

 

[daniel_gudman]

Rather than saying I don't buy it, I feel like you oversold it with an overly blatent sales pitch?

 

[fraggle]

Rather than saying I don't buy it, I feel like you oversold it with an overly blatent sales pitch?

Do you mean in the chapter itself or the explanation in my last post?

 

[bhl88]

Bet Shirou will call BS when Arf says: "He tried to kill Fate with a gun."

 

[daniel_gudman]

Rather than saying I don't buy it, I feel like you oversold it with an overly blatent sales pitch?

Do you mean in the chapter itself or the explanation in my last post?

The chapter itself. Rather than just being really distracted, he completely ignored everything else. Like, not finishing it with Arf because he couldn't focus is one thing, but completely not even paying attention when she broke free was too much.

 

[fraggle]

Rather than saying I don't buy it, I feel like you oversold it with an overly blatent sales pitch?

Do you mean in the chapter itself or the explanation in my last post?

The chapter itself. Rather than just being really distracted, he completely ignored everything else. Like, not finishing it with Arf because he couldn't focus is one thing, but completely not even paying attention when she broke free was too much.

hmm, perhaps writing that scene from Arf's POV wasn't the best idea. I wanted to portray Kiritsugu going completely BSOD due to his own memories and the scene of the burning city overlapping to the point where he could see Arf but was unable to act at all.

Anyway, I was going to replay that scene from Kiritsugu's POV in the next chapter so that should give me some space to work things out.

 

[zeebee1]

Why isn't this in the Nanoha section? I know you're from a Type-Moon forum, but this is going to be mainly a Nanoha fic for the first two arc.

 

[Spectrum]

Rather than saying I don't buy it, I feel like you oversold it with an overly blatent sales pitch?

Do you mean in the chapter itself or the explanation in my last post?

The chapter itself. Rather than just being really distracted, he completely ignored everything else. Like, not finishing it with Arf because he couldn't focus is one thing, but completely not even paying attention when she broke free was too much.

hmm, perhaps writing that scene from Arf's POV wasn't the best idea. I wanted to portray Kiritsugu going completely BSOD due to his own memories and the scene of the burning city overlapping to the point where he could see Arf but was unable to act at all.

Anyway, I was going to replay that scene from Kiritsugu's POV in the next chapter so that should give me some space to work things out.

It felt a hair artificial for the sake of causing drama and letting the story advance by allowing Fate/Arf to leave. If Kiritsugu is so messed up, I have to question what he's actually accomplishing on his trips.

 

[fraggle]

Why isn't this in the Nanoha section? I know you're from a Type-Moon forum, but this is going to be mainly a Nanoha fic for the first two arc.

good question. I did think about posting this in the Nanoha section as well but didn't want to post on 2 places on the same forum.


Should I have this moved?

 

[Rising Dragon]

In the previous version you did mention this story was going to cover Nanoha, A's, and the Fifth Grail War, but as such that gives it more Nanoha focus.

On the other hand, the POV is almost entirely from the perspective of F/sn characters. So... I dunno. Your call.

 

[fraggle]

How about I just post a copy of the index on the Nanoha side of TFF? That way people who only venture on the Nanoha subforum will spot it as well. I'll just update the OP whenever I post a chapter, just like I did here.

 

[zeebee1]

You could make an update thread for this story over there.