Naruto Making Uzumaki (rewrite) Chapter 3
- Thread starter Psyckosama
- Start date
Not much point to this paragraph when you're needlessly summarising what had come so far. I'd just go straight from "everyone had earned a good night sleep" to "glancing about for a moment".
The/That boy
I'm not sure there's a need for the air quotes.
Brat/kid/boy. Let's not throw in random Japanese words.
Kakashi may not share Sakura's strength but I find it laughable that he wouldn't have plenty to teach her. He's one of the best jounin in the village and whilst his genjutsu isn't as good as his taijutsu or ninjutsu, it's still ridiculously good.
I doubt the jounin have any input on who gets put on the team; it's likely the teachers and the Hokage who decide. Kakashi was told that he'd have Naruto and Sasuke and that was that.
What? Seriously, what? I see nothing good about this.
PTS Kakashi mentions that he'd developed (discovered, really) a new jutsu and reveals his Mangekyou Sharingan and uses Kamui. From his words and how well he used it at the time, it was clear that he'd not long learned it. This was also long after he'd come face-to-face with another Mangekyou user which I expect this is how he learned about it in the first place.
By having Kakashi reveal his Mangekyou here, it implies that he's had access to to it for ages.
That's a poor definition of mastery. That should be He could prove to be the greatest master...
I don't think Naruto's done much yet to earn such a title. And it's really just stepping on Lee's schtick.
Now, we'd had more-or-less the same thing going on the opening scene of the last two chapters. Character wakes up and gets ready for the morning whilst many paragraphs are devoted to their thoughts. It's a lot of tell and not much show basically and it's dull. The whole thing would work a lot better if it was reworked into a scene where he's actually talking with his students.
For example, a conversation where Kakashi apologizes for cockblocking Naruto by telling the kid to remind him to give him a scroll on the Shadow Clone jutsu when they get back, with a brief mention of the Bunshin Bakuha. Not that I'd think Kakashi would be willing to give him that jutsu for a long time.
Then later on a talk with Sasuke where he asks him to show him his Sharingan and compliments him for accomplishing it. Taking Sakura aside and saying that while he knew she didn't get to accomplish much in comparison, he would definitely make sure she a chance to shine later and mentions how he plans to help her improve. Since whilst they don't quite share the same strengths, he has more than enough skill and experience to at least let her reach chuunin if she's willing to put in the effort.
Something like that.
That's a weird assumption to make, tbh. Being the descendant of a ninja clan is a conclusion he'd make, yes, but saying that he has a kekkei genkai is a bit much. It's not unusual for clans to have certain traits such as the Uchiha Clan's affinity for fire jutsu, so I'd think it more likely that he'd assume that Naruto comes from a clan with strong bodies or something.
I'd think that this is a question (why was he hated?) that he would have thought of before if he'd noticed it. It might be better phrased as Was this the reason the other boy was so hated by the villagers; that he'd had come from a clan of traitors?
There's more emphasis on his bloodline than Pre-TS Sasuke was prone to and it's all just standard "arrogant Uchiha" talk.
He could safely say he disliked Naruto on his own merits, even if he did respect the fool's tenacity. Not that he'd ever admit it aloud.
I think the "moron" is redundant.
He sounds too over-zealous about this. Really, he's far more interested than I'd expect Sasuke to be but I blame that on you gong for humour but this is overdoing it. The derogatory nicknames are beneath him too, imo.
I don't see how he'd get that impression or why he'd think Hinata is any better than the other two. This just sounds like an instance of the author bigging up Hinata while putting down the others because of personal taste.
Anko working for T&I is a boring cliche. And I'm not sure how he'd know that she works there anyway.
I'm not surprise but the humour shown here doesn't work for me at all and just serves to make Sasuke's characterization suffer, imo. What I would have done if I was going for a similar route would be for Sasuke to be annoyed at being played for the fool, then getting distracted by thoughts of Haku's body, forcing himself to focus again and then keeps having his thoughts pulled towards other women. So he's clearly struggling to focus on immediate goals while repressing his sexuality which I feel fits his character better (since canon Sasuke always been practically asexual).
This is also another scene that all tell and no show.
Lines like this just feel silly. We got his amusement from the previous line.
Repetition of actually. And you should choose either "sober for once" or "not smell like a distillery", not both.
Tsunami, however, kept shooting him glares from across the table. He didn't know what...
The original line feels like another cliche.
Comma.
I'm now confused. I've just recalled that until Haku showed her tits off to Naruto, everyone thought she was a girl. So why did Tsunami know in the previous chapter, or seem to know? I don't think it's been made clear whether everyone knows Haku's a chick yet and how they found out.
Tsunami's mouth was agape, her civilian mind unable to comprehend that a boy barely into his adolescence could be a killer, while Inari stared at Naruto with the complete admiration that only hero worship could bring.
Tazuna stood up from his place the head of the table.
Something more like that, I think. Your version read a little awkwardly.
I think you could skip this bit.
"The life of a ninja sounds very...harsh."
To avoid the repetition of "cold" and the hesitation because she's in a room filled with ninja who had helped her country. Plus break it up with a line in-between: "The life of a ninja sounds very..." She looked at the Team 7 and bit her lip as she considered her next words. "...harsh."
Haku's a bit wordy in this scene. "It is." Haku lowered her head. "I envy you your freedom, Tsunami-san."
Clarifying.
I'd cut that all down to "It was never a matter of want.
Considering that he quite freely told Naruto her story, she comes across as a bit aggressive here. It'd probably be good to show some reaction from Naruto here which Kakashi can deduce from that he knows what Haku's talking about.
I might go with "Another time perhaps" to put off the discussion. But it's questionable whether she really has the right to keep it private since she was Zabuza and Gatou's accomplice in trying to kill these guys. It would give them a greater reason to trust and sympathize with her. Having her relate her story to the group could be interesting and it'd be good opportunity to reveal more about Haku.
Kakashi might even think that it was calculated for to gain he trust to avoid any conflict. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but it'd be a good way to show that Kakashi's keeping an eye on her because it feels like he's given her a lot of leeway at this point.
What equipment? All he did was injure/kill the workers. I doubt he'd bother, tbh.
"We may forgive, but we never forget", sounds more intimidating, I think. :snigger:
It's rare for us to be able to do something...
"Yeah, jobs like this are good for the village's reputation."
Touché
You've hammered in this point more than enough times by now. There's really no need for Haku to bring it up. No-one wants to hear the same crap over and over again.
Odd that she didn't think about that evil chakra that poured out of him during that fight. Maybe she's just laying it on a bit thick in regard to Naruto's virtues.
And you're seriously over-using the phrase "precious people". It really doesn't come up that often in the manga.
This seems like a good point for her to remember how Naruto jumped inside her ice dome like an idiot. I don't even understand why she thinks its strange; he's a genin and a child so he's obviously not going to be perfect. I think the problem here is that she's too judgmental. She should recognize his faults but I see no reason why she isn't simply assuming that it's because of inexperience, lack of training (in specific areas) and/or lack of talent. She's suspicious before she actually has a reason to be suspicious.
"There are several things I must handle in the village, Naruto-kun," she said. "I was going to ask if you'd accompany me, but I have no wish to disturb your training. I will be in town most of the day."
Naruto's eyes widened and he began to make warding gestures with his hands. "It's okay, I can just train later!"
This whole segment seems pointless. You could just have gone:
"I'm going to go train. How about you?"
[thoughts about Naruto]
"I'm going into town. But first, shall I teach you a jutsu?"
Like the bit with Tsunami last chapter, you're coming on too strong here. And Haku really shouldn't be surprised. Jutsu aren't handed out like candy and I'd bet that'd be especially true for Kirigakure. Naruto's reaction makes a lot of sense since a genin or student is very unlikely to get a "yes" if they asked someone (even if a teacher) for a new jutsu, especially from someone he just met under strange circumstances.
I'm sure I've talked about this area before but I stand by what I said. She comes across to too judgmental again. It'd work better if she actually asked Naruto about it like:
"Didn't they teach you about the elements in the Academy?"
"Er, maybe, but I never really paid much attention in lectures. But Kakashi-sensei did mention something about different types of chakra when we were training/travelling*."
I think it's annoying because it puts the blame on Konoha for something that isn't really their fault (not entirely) instead of things that we can blame them for. Plus the undertones of Konoha bashing and Naruto being faultless in his training.
This only gets worse as the chapter continues and I find myself skimming this while discussion.
And again, it'd be nice if Haku's background was used here. Like her not really knowing how the Academy (in Kiri or other villages) functions because she was only ever Zabuza's apprentice. I'm not even sure this topic needed to come up since I'd have probably have preferred if instead of the jutsubabble, they went straight to a space to train and she just demonstrated whatever she jutsu she planned to teach. It's not like you need to know about nature transformation when dealing with the most basic elemental jutsu.
*I forget at what point it was brought up.
So all that talk of the elements and she was only intending to teach him the walk on water. That's annoying, tbh. <_<
I already said what I wanted to say about Naruto's chakra control in the past. He creates too much chakra but doesn't put enough in the jutsu. Seeing Naruto overpower this jutsu just makes me shake my head. Mizuki the saboteur is also painful cliche for me, as mentioned in the past.
The entire last scene is a big weak point for story, imo, and I started skimming right over it. It's just a training scene about stuff we already know but riddled with mistakes, bias and flaws that make it annoying as well as dull. I'd say it needs a serious overhaul.
Hell, it probably have been more interesting if they'd gone into town and had only discussed training instead of actually doing. Whilst doing whatever Haku planned to do, they could talk about the respective training experience and, by extension, their lives. Again, it's another opportunity to learn about Haku such as how she trained under Zabuza and what kind of lifestyle she had in Kiri and whatnot.
But yeah, didn't work for me at all and under normal circumstances, I'd probably drop the story around here. :huh.:
The/That boy
I'm not sure there's a need for the air quotes.
Brat/kid/boy. Let's not throw in random Japanese words.
Kakashi may not share Sakura's strength but I find it laughable that he wouldn't have plenty to teach her. He's one of the best jounin in the village and whilst his genjutsu isn't as good as his taijutsu or ninjutsu, it's still ridiculously good.
I doubt the jounin have any input on who gets put on the team; it's likely the teachers and the Hokage who decide. Kakashi was told that he'd have Naruto and Sasuke and that was that.
What? Seriously, what? I see nothing good about this.
PTS Kakashi mentions that he'd developed (discovered, really) a new jutsu and reveals his Mangekyou Sharingan and uses Kamui. From his words and how well he used it at the time, it was clear that he'd not long learned it. This was also long after he'd come face-to-face with another Mangekyou user which I expect this is how he learned about it in the first place.
By having Kakashi reveal his Mangekyou here, it implies that he's had access to to it for ages.
That's a poor definition of mastery. That should be He could prove to be the greatest master...
I don't think Naruto's done much yet to earn such a title. And it's really just stepping on Lee's schtick.
Now, we'd had more-or-less the same thing going on the opening scene of the last two chapters. Character wakes up and gets ready for the morning whilst many paragraphs are devoted to their thoughts. It's a lot of tell and not much show basically and it's dull. The whole thing would work a lot better if it was reworked into a scene where he's actually talking with his students.
For example, a conversation where Kakashi apologizes for cockblocking Naruto by telling the kid to remind him to give him a scroll on the Shadow Clone jutsu when they get back, with a brief mention of the Bunshin Bakuha. Not that I'd think Kakashi would be willing to give him that jutsu for a long time.
Then later on a talk with Sasuke where he asks him to show him his Sharingan and compliments him for accomplishing it. Taking Sakura aside and saying that while he knew she didn't get to accomplish much in comparison, he would definitely make sure she a chance to shine later and mentions how he plans to help her improve. Since whilst they don't quite share the same strengths, he has more than enough skill and experience to at least let her reach chuunin if she's willing to put in the effort.
Something like that.
That's a weird assumption to make, tbh. Being the descendant of a ninja clan is a conclusion he'd make, yes, but saying that he has a kekkei genkai is a bit much. It's not unusual for clans to have certain traits such as the Uchiha Clan's affinity for fire jutsu, so I'd think it more likely that he'd assume that Naruto comes from a clan with strong bodies or something.
I'd think that this is a question (why was he hated?) that he would have thought of before if he'd noticed it. It might be better phrased as Was this the reason the other boy was so hated by the villagers; that he'd had come from a clan of traitors?
There's more emphasis on his bloodline than Pre-TS Sasuke was prone to and it's all just standard "arrogant Uchiha" talk.
He could safely say he disliked Naruto on his own merits, even if he did respect the fool's tenacity. Not that he'd ever admit it aloud.
I think the "moron" is redundant.
He sounds too over-zealous about this. Really, he's far more interested than I'd expect Sasuke to be but I blame that on you gong for humour but this is overdoing it. The derogatory nicknames are beneath him too, imo.
I don't see how he'd get that impression or why he'd think Hinata is any better than the other two. This just sounds like an instance of the author bigging up Hinata while putting down the others because of personal taste.
Anko working for T&I is a boring cliche. And I'm not sure how he'd know that she works there anyway.
I'm not surprise but the humour shown here doesn't work for me at all and just serves to make Sasuke's characterization suffer, imo. What I would have done if I was going for a similar route would be for Sasuke to be annoyed at being played for the fool, then getting distracted by thoughts of Haku's body, forcing himself to focus again and then keeps having his thoughts pulled towards other women. So he's clearly struggling to focus on immediate goals while repressing his sexuality which I feel fits his character better (since canon Sasuke always been practically asexual).
This is also another scene that all tell and no show.
Lines like this just feel silly. We got his amusement from the previous line.
Repetition of actually. And you should choose either "sober for once" or "not smell like a distillery", not both.
Tsunami, however, kept shooting him glares from across the table. He didn't know what...
The original line feels like another cliche.
Comma.
I'm now confused. I've just recalled that until Haku showed her tits off to Naruto, everyone thought she was a girl. So why did Tsunami know in the previous chapter, or seem to know? I don't think it's been made clear whether everyone knows Haku's a chick yet and how they found out.
Tsunami's mouth was agape, her civilian mind unable to comprehend that a boy barely into his adolescence could be a killer, while Inari stared at Naruto with the complete admiration that only hero worship could bring.
Tazuna stood up from his place the head of the table.
Something more like that, I think. Your version read a little awkwardly.
I think you could skip this bit.
"The life of a ninja sounds very...harsh."
To avoid the repetition of "cold" and the hesitation because she's in a room filled with ninja who had helped her country. Plus break it up with a line in-between: "The life of a ninja sounds very..." She looked at the Team 7 and bit her lip as she considered her next words. "...harsh."
Haku's a bit wordy in this scene. "It is." Haku lowered her head. "I envy you your freedom, Tsunami-san."
Clarifying.
I'd cut that all down to "It was never a matter of want.
Considering that he quite freely told Naruto her story, she comes across as a bit aggressive here. It'd probably be good to show some reaction from Naruto here which Kakashi can deduce from that he knows what Haku's talking about.
I might go with "Another time perhaps" to put off the discussion. But it's questionable whether she really has the right to keep it private since she was Zabuza and Gatou's accomplice in trying to kill these guys. It would give them a greater reason to trust and sympathize with her. Having her relate her story to the group could be interesting and it'd be good opportunity to reveal more about Haku.
Kakashi might even think that it was calculated for to gain he trust to avoid any conflict. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but it'd be a good way to show that Kakashi's keeping an eye on her because it feels like he's given her a lot of leeway at this point.
What equipment? All he did was injure/kill the workers. I doubt he'd bother, tbh.
"We may forgive, but we never forget", sounds more intimidating, I think. :snigger:
It's rare for us to be able to do something...
"Yeah, jobs like this are good for the village's reputation."
Touché
You've hammered in this point more than enough times by now. There's really no need for Haku to bring it up. No-one wants to hear the same crap over and over again.
Odd that she didn't think about that evil chakra that poured out of him during that fight. Maybe she's just laying it on a bit thick in regard to Naruto's virtues.
And you're seriously over-using the phrase "precious people". It really doesn't come up that often in the manga.
This seems like a good point for her to remember how Naruto jumped inside her ice dome like an idiot. I don't even understand why she thinks its strange; he's a genin and a child so he's obviously not going to be perfect. I think the problem here is that she's too judgmental. She should recognize his faults but I see no reason why she isn't simply assuming that it's because of inexperience, lack of training (in specific areas) and/or lack of talent. She's suspicious before she actually has a reason to be suspicious.
"There are several things I must handle in the village, Naruto-kun," she said. "I was going to ask if you'd accompany me, but I have no wish to disturb your training. I will be in town most of the day."
Naruto's eyes widened and he began to make warding gestures with his hands. "It's okay, I can just train later!"
This whole segment seems pointless. You could just have gone:
"I'm going to go train. How about you?"
[thoughts about Naruto]
"I'm going into town. But first, shall I teach you a jutsu?"
Like the bit with Tsunami last chapter, you're coming on too strong here. And Haku really shouldn't be surprised. Jutsu aren't handed out like candy and I'd bet that'd be especially true for Kirigakure. Naruto's reaction makes a lot of sense since a genin or student is very unlikely to get a "yes" if they asked someone (even if a teacher) for a new jutsu, especially from someone he just met under strange circumstances.
I'm sure I've talked about this area before but I stand by what I said. She comes across to too judgmental again. It'd work better if she actually asked Naruto about it like:
"Didn't they teach you about the elements in the Academy?"
"Er, maybe, but I never really paid much attention in lectures. But Kakashi-sensei did mention something about different types of chakra when we were training/travelling*."
I think it's annoying because it puts the blame on Konoha for something that isn't really their fault (not entirely) instead of things that we can blame them for. Plus the undertones of Konoha bashing and Naruto being faultless in his training.
This only gets worse as the chapter continues and I find myself skimming this while discussion.
And again, it'd be nice if Haku's background was used here. Like her not really knowing how the Academy (in Kiri or other villages) functions because she was only ever Zabuza's apprentice. I'm not even sure this topic needed to come up since I'd have probably have preferred if instead of the jutsubabble, they went straight to a space to train and she just demonstrated whatever she jutsu she planned to teach. It's not like you need to know about nature transformation when dealing with the most basic elemental jutsu.
*I forget at what point it was brought up.
So all that talk of the elements and she was only intending to teach him the walk on water. That's annoying, tbh. <_<
I already said what I wanted to say about Naruto's chakra control in the past. He creates too much chakra but doesn't put enough in the jutsu. Seeing Naruto overpower this jutsu just makes me shake my head. Mizuki the saboteur is also painful cliche for me, as mentioned in the past.
The entire last scene is a big weak point for story, imo, and I started skimming right over it. It's just a training scene about stuff we already know but riddled with mistakes, bias and flaws that make it annoying as well as dull. I'd say it needs a serious overhaul.
Hell, it probably have been more interesting if they'd gone into town and had only discussed training instead of actually doing. Whilst doing whatever Haku planned to do, they could talk about the respective training experience and, by extension, their lives. Again, it's another opportunity to learn about Haku such as how she trained under Zabuza and what kind of lifestyle she had in Kiri and whatnot.
But yeah, didn't work for me at all and under normal circumstances, I'd probably drop the story around here. :huh.: