Haku smiled sadly at him. It almost made him wince. It was strange, her sad smile stung worse than the cold eyes of the villagers. She was one of the few people who'd ever truly opened her entire heart to him, and because of that he counted her among his most beloved friends. The idea of her being sad just made him feel like he'd failed on a personal level. He wanted her to be happy all the time because he believed she deserved nothing less.
and that he'd be remembered for the good person he really was.
You also repeat "for her sake" so I'd cut out "He'd do it for her sake."
Before he'd promised that he'd keep her safe, but he knew damned well that you could be safe and miserable. She was his friend, and he'd protect not only her life, but her happiness. To do anything less would be paramount to abandoning her, and those who abandon their friends were worse than trash. He'd never abandon his friends. He silently swore that he'd not only keep them safe, but that he could not and would not allow them to suffer the way he'd suffered in the past. As long as he lived, he would not allow them to be treated as if they were worthless, unwanted, unworthy, or forgotten. He'd shield them from the hell of loneliness with his very life if he had to.
That was the promises of a lifetime!
That was the promises of a lifetime!
And I think using a "promise of a lifetime" here just cheapens. That's really something he should say to her instead of thinking about it. Not right now though. Sometime when it would have some real impact and after he's actually got to know her better. Like when they get around to burying Zabuza or something.
People think too much when they're quiet, and for someone with as many hidden doubts and resentments as him, the last thing he could afford to do emotionally was dwell on all of the failures and derogatory words of the past. To be completely honest, it was downright smothering.
Not sure, I just feel you could cut down that paragraph.
No wonder she was so damned sad.
The girl looked at him with a moment in surprise then smiled and squeezed tightly. He could see her tension relax slightly as a small smile came to her face.
He couldn't help but smile at the fact that his simple presence seemed to be comforting her.
It made him wonder, it made him question, and he had to ask it of himself otherwise he would not be able to believe his eyes.
It was absolutely disconcerting.
which in Naruto's mindset meant she was probably old enough to have met the Sage of the Six paths in her youth
The fact that they were milling around to watch also made him uncomfortable. But he wasn't going to complain. These people didn't see him for the demon fox in his belly, for the unfortunate circumstances of his birth. They saw him for his own actions. He had the suspicion there might be something else to it, but for them to respect him this much, he had to have proved himself to them. They had to see him for him, and not only judge him to be worthy of respect; but judge him to be someone worth admiring. The acknowledged him. They looked up to him. To him! He couldn't believe it. It was just too good to be true, but it was. It really was.
For the first time in his life, Naruto knew not only what it was like to be truly accepted, but to be truly loved by others. Not just by one person, but by everyone. He had to fight back tears as this realization hit him almost as hard as Iruka's deceleration in the forest while he fought Mizuki.
Naruto clenched his fist and smiled widely and honestly, probably more so than he'd done on any occasion before or after he'd been made a genin. A few rebellious tears made their way down his cheek and as he looked at the old woman he was shocked to see that her eyes were also watering with unshed tears.
The shock was enough to knock him out of his stopper and he felt filled with a strength and pride he never before felt before. He felt ten feet tall, like he couldn't be stopped. For the first time in his life, he felt no hidden doubts. It was like their faith in him was infectious. It was like their belief in him was so strong that it burned away his own uncertainty.
For the first time in his life, Naruto knew not only what it was like to be truly accepted, but to be truly loved by others. Not just by one person, but by everyone. He had to fight back tears as this realization hit him almost as hard as Iruka's deceleration in the forest while he fought Mizuki.
Naruto clenched his fist and smiled widely and honestly, probably more so than he'd done on any occasion before or after he'd been made a genin. A few rebellious tears made their way down his cheek and as he looked at the old woman he was shocked to see that her eyes were also watering with unshed tears.
The shock was enough to knock him out of his stopper and he felt filled with a strength and pride he never before felt before. He felt ten feet tall, like he couldn't be stopped. For the first time in his life, he felt no hidden doubts. It was like their faith in him was infectious. It was like their belief in him was so strong that it burned away his own uncertainty.
Naruto fought back a frown for a moment. He knew old grandma's like this loved their gossip, and from the way the crowd was milling around, he knew they were all wondering what he was up to. He knew how much they like to rag on him back home and how far even the slightest insult could travel, getting more and more blown out of proportion every time it was retold, but it did give him an idea. He beat down a mischievous grin as his old pranking instincts came to head. Even though he'd never said it aloud, he'd promised Haku that he'd make sure Zabuza wouldn't be forgotten, and this was his chance.
Rather, I'd paint Zabuza as a victim. A victim of ninja society who was driven to desperation and ended up being used by Gatou's scheme and died like a punk. Someone with nothing left to his name except Haku who he raised as a daughter and was the one who killed Gatou.
The tone and the way Naruto talks just doesn't match what's trying to be said here. It's too much sophistry rather than the heartfelt feelings that are Naruto's strength.
"Why would you bother yourself with one of Gato's underlings?" Haku's grip tightened to almost painful levels and he could feel her killing intent leaking out as the old woman looked on in confusion. "He was an evil man."
"Dattebayo," the old woman repeated with an wistful smile, muttering something under her breath, before glancing to Haku.
"You'll be half-way to Konoha, escorted by a friendly shinobi team, in the middle of Fire Country." Naruto grinned, "I don't think they're gonna risk it."
Which actually makes me hope that this bits him in the ass and we get some hunter-nin down here before they leave Wave. That'd be a pretty interesting turn of events.
'Precious Person'
Haku smiled sadly. "He was a very complicated man, Naruto-kun."
Naruto smiled warmly at her. "You have to tell me about him some time."
"I will," she replied softy. "Thank you, Naruto-kun. Thank you for being so kind."
Naruto smiled warmly at her. "You have to tell me about him some time."
"I will," she replied softy. "Thank you, Naruto-kun. Thank you for being so kind."
Imma skip right out Tsunami's talk with Kakashi about Naruto and simply say that I don't like it. I back what Ashaman said about her being obviously perceptive and also I think Kakashi told her too much. Honestly, it's just not a plot thread I like.
On the Pakkun scene, well, I hope Kakashi knocks her off her high horse. Damn right, she's a prisoner.
Kirigakure no Kaijin
As she'd spent her entire life hiding as a boy, she'd never had an opportunity to learn the contraception Jutsu.
This chapter didn't have much going for it, tbh. The scene in the town was probably the only highlight but I think you misstepped there anyway. Also, four chapters in and barely anything's happened so I'm losing interest at this point.