At the very least, I'd drop the highlighted lines, if not everything after "villagers". The fact that he felt bad about her sad smile says it all, really.
That's a big jump from "maybe not a monster". And it just sounds like talk; what on earth could he do about it? It'd be more believable if he personally tried to remember Zabuza as "the man who raised Haku" rather than the crazed killer everyone knew him as.
You also repeat "for her sake" so I'd cut out "He'd do it for her sake."
Again, you're coming on really strong here. I think this whole bit is unnecessary since saying that he's going to help Haku any way he could and he would remember Zabuza. It just feels over-dramatic.
And I think using a "promise of a lifetime" here just cheapens. That's really something he should say to her instead of thinking about it. Not right now though. Sometime when it would have some real impact and after he's actually got to know her better. Like when they get around to burying Zabuza or something.
If he stayed silent then he'd start to dwell on all his doubts and failures.
Not sure, I just feel you could cut down that paragraph.
You're using the word "sad" a lot. It's tiresome. We know she's said. We know why she's said. We don't need to be reminded constantly.
No need to say it twice.
His touch would be better. If it was just his presence, he probably wouldn't need to hold her hand.
Drop that. You're saying the same thing again.
Cut that.
I'd use the First Hokage as a safer comparison. Ironically because the Third did know Hashirama and because I find it questionable whether Naruto would have ever heard of the Sage.
This goes on for a while. I'd definitely drop the first paragraph and possibly the third one too.
Okay, so there was something going on for Naruto to back up what he was thinking. But...I don't really like the insincerity of it. The fact that he's cackling inside makes it sound like he's playing a nasty trick on the people who just accepted him. It'd be nicer if Naruto could express his feelings without saying bullshit like Zabuza died a hero. It felt silly to me.
Rather, I'd paint Zabuza as a victim. A victim of ninja society who was driven to desperation and ended up being used by Gatou's scheme and died like a punk. Someone with nothing left to his name except Haku who he raised as a daughter and was the one who killed Gatou.
The tone and the way Naruto talks just doesn't match what's trying to be said here. It's too much sophistry rather than the heartfelt feelings that are Naruto's strength.
If they know about Zabuza, you'd think they'd know about Haku.
...Since I know that the Uzumaki comes up later in this fic, I hope that wasn't meant to imply that Naruto and his mother's verbal tics were something belonging to the Uzumaki in general. That'd be lame. -_-
Why the hell would he think that? They're gonna be stuck here for two weeks judging by canon. That's dangerous as fuck.
Which actually makes me hope that this bits him in the ass and we get some hunter-nin down here before they leave Wave. That'd be a pretty interesting turn of events.
Oh god, now it comes with capital letter and air quotes? Please stop.
Go easy on the adverbs. I've heard from many people that adverbs should be used sparingly at best and weaken the narrative.
Imma skip right out Tsunami's talk with Kakashi about Naruto and simply say that I don't like it. I back what Ashaman said about her being obviously perceptive and also I think Kakashi told her too much. Honestly, it's just not a plot thread I like.
On the Pakkun scene, well, I hope Kakashi knocks her off her high horse. Damn right, she's a prisoner.
Let's not suddenly swap to the Japanese version.
That sounds really dumb to me. Hiding as a boy doesn't change the fact that she's a girl, one who feared being raped. And she's apparently a medic.
This chapter didn't have much going for it, tbh. The scene in the town was probably the only highlight but I think you misstepped there anyway. Also, four chapters in and barely anything's happened so I'm losing interest at this point.
That's a big jump from "maybe not a monster". And it just sounds like talk; what on earth could he do about it? It'd be more believable if he personally tried to remember Zabuza as "the man who raised Haku" rather than the crazed killer everyone knew him as.
You also repeat "for her sake" so I'd cut out "He'd do it for her sake."
Again, you're coming on really strong here. I think this whole bit is unnecessary since saying that he's going to help Haku any way he could and he would remember Zabuza. It just feels over-dramatic.
And I think using a "promise of a lifetime" here just cheapens. That's really something he should say to her instead of thinking about it. Not right now though. Sometime when it would have some real impact and after he's actually got to know her better. Like when they get around to burying Zabuza or something.
If he stayed silent then he'd start to dwell on all his doubts and failures.
Not sure, I just feel you could cut down that paragraph.
You're using the word "sad" a lot. It's tiresome. We know she's said. We know why she's said. We don't need to be reminded constantly.
No need to say it twice.
His touch would be better. If it was just his presence, he probably wouldn't need to hold her hand.
Drop that. You're saying the same thing again.
Cut that.
I'd use the First Hokage as a safer comparison. Ironically because the Third did know Hashirama and because I find it questionable whether Naruto would have ever heard of the Sage.
This goes on for a while. I'd definitely drop the first paragraph and possibly the third one too.
Okay, so there was something going on for Naruto to back up what he was thinking. But...I don't really like the insincerity of it. The fact that he's cackling inside makes it sound like he's playing a nasty trick on the people who just accepted him. It'd be nicer if Naruto could express his feelings without saying bullshit like Zabuza died a hero. It felt silly to me.
Rather, I'd paint Zabuza as a victim. A victim of ninja society who was driven to desperation and ended up being used by Gatou's scheme and died like a punk. Someone with nothing left to his name except Haku who he raised as a daughter and was the one who killed Gatou.
The tone and the way Naruto talks just doesn't match what's trying to be said here. It's too much sophistry rather than the heartfelt feelings that are Naruto's strength.
If they know about Zabuza, you'd think they'd know about Haku.
...Since I know that the Uzumaki comes up later in this fic, I hope that wasn't meant to imply that Naruto and his mother's verbal tics were something belonging to the Uzumaki in general. That'd be lame. -_-
Why the hell would he think that? They're gonna be stuck here for two weeks judging by canon. That's dangerous as fuck.
Which actually makes me hope that this bits him in the ass and we get some hunter-nin down here before they leave Wave. That'd be a pretty interesting turn of events.
Oh god, now it comes with capital letter and air quotes? Please stop.
Go easy on the adverbs. I've heard from many people that adverbs should be used sparingly at best and weaken the narrative.
Imma skip right out Tsunami's talk with Kakashi about Naruto and simply say that I don't like it. I back what Ashaman said about her being obviously perceptive and also I think Kakashi told her too much. Honestly, it's just not a plot thread I like.
On the Pakkun scene, well, I hope Kakashi knocks her off her high horse. Damn right, she's a prisoner.
Let's not suddenly swap to the Japanese version.
That sounds really dumb to me. Hiding as a boy doesn't change the fact that she's a girl, one who feared being raped. And she's apparently a medic.
This chapter didn't have much going for it, tbh. The scene in the town was probably the only highlight but I think you misstepped there anyway. Also, four chapters in and barely anything's happened so I'm losing interest at this point.