[MLP:FIM] Tales from Equestria Magical Allocation Stabilization and Security


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Author's Note: Not yet a full chapter, but I felt I should post something to get some feedback on it.

It's intended to be LARGELY light-hearted, but I haven't yet decided on much.  It's been bouncing around in my head long enough I feel I should post something definitive, lest I end up trying to make completely different series out of it.

Right now, there's still a lot of mental planning and such, but there's going to be a large amount of deviation from canon in the case of several characters, most notable being Starlight Glimmer, as she is in this part of the chapter.


    The Earth-Pegasus-Unicorn Alliance was a pretty lame title for what made up arguably one of the most potent armies on the face of the planet, but it's hard to argue that the acronym EPUA doesn't at least sound a little bit like somepony suddenly sneezing when one tried to say it like a word rather than spell the acronym out verbally.

    Likewise, it's sub-divisions got ribbed for similar reasons despite their otherwise important roles.   The Celestial High Equilibrium Flyers were confused for the ones responsible for making cakes rather than gathering highly valued reconnaissance; the All-Natural United Speculators were often giggled at despite their valuable work in sussing out prized geological resources; the Diligent Integrated Layman Diving Officials, though brilliant at underwater construction, were laughingstocks for fairly obvious reasons; and even members of the Equestria Magical Allocation Stabilization and Security division suffered as their division's name was often misheard as "Penis".

    One would almost certainly blame some childish noble for bullying such division names through, but sadly, Princess Celestia was the one to name each division and very few had the nerve to call her on her naming habits.

    The few that had such nerve met with the most dreaded of responses:

    Her Royal Highness' Raspberry of Absolute Neener-Neener-Neener.

    While it was certainly possible to change the names of the divisions without Princess Celestia's oversight, all that her Highness needed to counter that was to make a visit to said division and revert the name change.  Or worse, give the division a completely DIFFERENT but equally terrible acronym as a name under the guise of "redefining their roles".

    After spending countless bits on printing new cards and paperstock on attempts to pressure the Princess, socially or otherwise, into accepting the new division names; literally everypony in said divisions had given up hope of Princess Celestia leaving them with a decent name.

    In fact, the current names were much better than the original names of the divisions.

    For example, no one in command of the Celestial High Equilibrium Flyers, for example, could never be formally introduced to a griffon, ANY griffon, without a fight erupting within seconds of the original division's name being spoken, and though she would never admit it, there was a strong suspicion that Princess Celestia had done that deliberately.

    After all, the Griffon Empire didn't currently exist in a penniless and squallid state because Princess Celestia was a fan of griffons.

    Of all of the divisions and agencies within the EPUA, the one that was probably the least appealing for most graduates of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns was EMASS.

    Not because unicorns were underpaid, despised or otherwise unrecognized in the division.  But rather the division tended to work unicorns harder than any other member, because they were essential to the division's success in the whole "Magical Allocation, Stablization and Security" part of their intended goal.

    Though magic was not unknown to earth ponies or pegasi, unicorns could both make and stop a lot more magical problems than the other two sub-species.

    As such, unicorns were highly sought after, but many of those who were born and raised in Canterlot had no interest in doing such grueling work, leaving EMASS to acquire a sizeable portion of its workforce from prisoners.

    Most were volunteers who'd committed crimes that they weren't able to wiggle out of it via connections, but on occasion, there would be a prisoner who was essentially given the choice to work for EMASS or die.

    Speaking of crimes, Starlight Glimmer was one of the latter.

    Her scheme to create a utopia of equality had fallen apart surprisingly fast.

    Apparently, the bank that had given her the loan to build said frontier town had been suspicious about the plot of land she'd chosen and, feeling that their investment might be in jeoparody, had called for members of the Royal Investment Managing Jury Of Banks to investigate.

    Starlight's butthole may not have been violated in the literal sense, but she had come to wish that it had been in lieu of what RIMJOB had actually done to her.

    Starlight had felt that nothing she had done was in violation of any laws, as there had been NO laws about anything she had been doing in any legal text she had perused beforehand.

    As it turned out, she had only checked textbooks on laws that had been about legal matters pertaining to town founding and ownership.

    Had she consulted anything regarding magical laws, she would've found out that she had crossed a great deal of very ancient "No Nos".  Cutie mark theft, cutie mark neutralization, cutie mark restoration denial, destiny theft, destiny neutralization, destiny denial, cult formation, conspiracy to kidnap, kidnapping, conspiracy to non-peacefully overthrow the government, and magical bullying of a population were all in magical law books as being considered amongst the worst crimes that a unicorn could commit.

    About the only thing she had done that hadn't been illegal in some fashion was the uniform haircuts.  Even forcing Sugar Bell to make food after removing her cutie mark had been a crime, though not in the magical law books.  Apparently, knowingly forcing terrible food on more than five non-blood related ponies repeatedly was considered a crime.

    Had it not been for a timely intervention, Starlight Glimmer probably would've been either in a shallow grave or in a magic-nullifying dungeon until her demise.

    As it turned out, the EPUA was loathe to throw skilled and/or powerful unicorns away, and not because of any sort of racial bias.

    Raw magical power amongst unicorns was hard to come by, so even though there was not shortage of unicorns in the EPUA, most weren't on the higher end of sheer power.  Ritual magic made it wholly possible for even the weakest of unicorns to contribute, but for the EPUA, it was necessary to have magic on the move, and ritual magic was rarely possible while mobile.

    So, Starlight was reluctantly given three simple options.

    Firstly, she could choose death, and be slain on the spot.  Most of her organs would likely be donated to the needy, but anything left would not be given any sort of proper burial.

    As Starlight Glimmer REALLY liked living and remaining intact, so the first option was not a contender unless the other two were somehow worse.

    Option two was a permanent sealing of her magic and, optionally, removal of her horn.  Since said horn would be functionally useless, she could at least live a quieter life as a unicorn-turned-Earth Pony than if she kept it and was constantly asked about why she didn't do "unicorn things".

    It was at least a step up from death, though Starlight wasn't very keen on that plan either, as she'd be needing to work at a joint bank and government-approved job until she worked off the debt from trying to start a town with no planned export industry.

    The last choice given to her was to join the EPUA's subdivision EMASS and work off her sentence and massive debts there.

    Starlight recalled her grandfather once warning her of EMASS.  He'd told her that she should never willingly join EMASS unless death or being reduced to a mere mudpony were the only other options.

    Despite being a supposed "mudpony" himself, Grandpa Stained Porcelain was more than a little bit racist against his own subspecies.

    Starlight began to wonder if anypony else in her family had any major mental hangups, as it would certainly help to explain why she had concocted her bizarre gainless plan to get nebulous revenge against a colt who had probably never been the greatest friend or even pony to begin with.

    Despite the less than positive reason for her joining EMASS, Starlight felt she was on a better path now that she was a member.

    She just hoped she survived her decision with her sanity intact.



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I see Trollestia is out in full force.

Technically, of all the laws listed there, Twilight's actually in violation of many of them, and this was pre-Alicornisation. But, favouritism.

EMASS will have to keep a close eye on Starlight Glimmer, because she outright stated she revised a time spell, in the absence of evidence it can be assumed she created the Cutie Mark removal spell, and she learned how to self-levitate. Come down too hard on her and she might come up with something to weasel her way out.