[Pokemon] Ditto Masters

#1
Posted this on the FFML a few days ago, without any responses yet. I'm hoping to get some C&C here on my first story.

The first chapter here is mostly exposition and setup - there's some
action in the next chapter, which I'll be posting right after this
one. I'll certainly look at any suggestions on how to make the
exposition parts more interesting, though.

Also, Kagami was originally a Ditto, until I decided I had too many
Dittos with not enough differentiation, and decided to have Nathan
start with a different type of Pokemon (originally acquired later).
This required drastic revisions yesterday, and I may have missed some
spots - please point out any I missed.


This saga is based on the English version of the Pokemon cartoon/anime,
particularly seasons 4 and 5 (Johto League Champions and Master Quest).
Additional Elements are taken from the Nintendo games, particularly
Pokemon Crystal. Note that Pokemon in the cartoon do not always follow
the game rules, and preference is given to the cartoon.

Ditto Masters does share some similarities with the most common style of
Pokemon fanfic: "Mary Sue goes on a Pokemon Journey". I do hope to avoid
the worst aspects of these fanfics. Nathan's quest will be rather
different: He isn't starting from Pallet Town or New Bark Town or any
of the other usual places,
he's not going to visit every city, and he's not going to compete in Gym
Battles or the Pokemon League. His goal is very different from standard
Pokemon characters.

Unlike many Mary Sues, Nathan will *never* acquire (or "befriend")
Mew, or Lugia, or any of the other Legendary Pokemon. Admittedly, the
goal of his quest is to acquire what you might call a non-canonical
legendary... And his Pokemon, while all of fairly common species, will
nevertheless each be somewhat unusual, but hopefully in a way that
(mostly) fits with canon.

Why Dittos (and transforming Smeargles, etc.)? Because for as long as
I can remember, I have always been fascinated with the concept of
shapeshifting. Whether it's Dopplegangers in classic D&D, or
Changelings in the current one, or Mystique of the Marvel Universe, or
shapeshifting dragons, or Cheysuli, or... One of my major issues with
Pokemon is how utterly *useless* Dittos and their shapeshifting
abilities are - they're really only good for breeding. In this story I
hope to change that.

Finally, this fic was partially inspired by some of the fics on the
old, rather dead, Pokegenie group. As such, it will explore, and
sometimes blur, the boundaries between Pokemon and human. There will
be Pokemon who appear human (and hide in human society), and possibly
even humans who become Pokemon (I've been tossing the idea of a
Pokemon Jusenkyo around in my head).

Disclaimer: Pokemon is owned by Nintendo. This is merely a fanfiction.

Secrets of the Ditto Masters

Chapter 1

Nathan Pine sighed as he fed his grandmother's Dittos. He'd turn fifteen
in another week. He'd always wanted to go on a Pokemon Journey, like
most of his friends in Blackthorn City already had, but his aging
grandmother needed him to take care of her Pokemon while she continued
her attempts to decipher those old scrolls she'd found a quarter century
ago.

A much younger Eugenia Pine had been an archaeologist exploring some
ruins in Hoenn dating back almost a thousand years, when she discovered
an underground chamber leading to a hidden temple. The temple apparently
had been built by a secretive cult of Ditto worshipers, who had, if the
pictures on the temple walls had been interpreted correctly, somehow
taught their Dittos to take not just the forms of Pokemon they were
facing, but any Pokemon form at all. Such an ability could revolutionize
the use of Pokemon, and Professor Pine was determined to discover how
the cult, which she called the Ditto Masters, had done it.

One of the great finds in that temple was a series of scrolls found
within a Ditto-shaped ark. Nathan's grandmother was certain that these
scrolls contained the sacred texts of the Ditto Masters, including their
special knowledge of Dittos. Unfortunately, the Ditto Masters were very
security-conscious, and had written the texts in their own secret
language. For the last twenty-five years, Eugenia had been trying to
translate the scrolls, with little success.

Nathan headed to the yard to feed the last of the Dittos, and the
Dragonair that was staying with them. The dragon Pokemon were rare, and
becoming more rare every year. The Gym Leader Claire was trying to build
up their numbers by having her Dragonair breed with Grandma's Dittos. As
far as many people were concerned, Pokemon breeding was the only real
use for Dittos, but Professor Pine was determined to show the world
differently. Nathan sometimes wondered if his Grandma were secretly a
Ditto-worshiper like the Ditto Masters she studied.

After taking care of the Pokemon, Nathan fixed a simple dinner for
himself and his grandmother. Grandma had shut herself in her den three
weeks ago, refusing to come out for anything. Nathan had to bring her
her meals to make sure she ate.

Knocking on the door, Nathan called out, "Grandma? It's dinnertime."

"Come on in, Nathan." The young man was surprised. For the last few
weeks, he'd gotten little more than an incoherent grunt in response to
his knocks, his grandmother working too hard to pay any attention to her
surroundings. She believed she was close to a breakthrough on decoding
part of the cultists' scrolls. It wasn't the first time she'd driven
herself like this, either.

Nathan entered the room with his grandmother's dinner. Grandma looked
tired, and disheveled - she hadn't had more than a perfunctory shower in
weeks, and the only sleep she'd gotten was when she fell asleep at her
desk. But she wasn't at her desk, making feverish notes or tearing
through her books. Instead, she was sitting calmly in the armchair in
the corner, looking at her grandson thoughtfully while Washu, her
Porygon2, slept in her lap.

"Are you all right, Grandma?"

"Quite all right, Nathan. Washu and I have finally made some progress in
translating part of the scrolls. You remember last year when I
discovered that the Ditto Masters had used Spell Tags to allow a Ditto
to 'remember' a form?"

"Of course, Grandma." That discovery was still making waves. Dittos had
become much more popular, as having a Ditto in your group was
potentially like having a couple of extra Pokemon. Of course, the price
of Spell Tags had gone through the roof, so most of the new Ditto owners
couldn't afford the Tags. And the Pokemon League was considering banning
the Tags from official matches, although no decision had been made yet.

"Well, I knew that the Spell Tags weren't the real secret of the Ditto
Masters. Even the most powerful Ditto can remember only a dozen shapes
or so, and the ancients' Pokemon could clearly remember more forms than
that. So I've continued working on the scrolls. Last month, I discovered
a section which appeared to discuss something about Ditto *evolution*.
Washu and I have spent the last three weeks working hard on that
section, and I think we've finally translated most of it."

"Wow, Grandma, Dittos can actually evolve? That's cool! No one's ever
seen an evolved Ditto before, it'd be like discovering a new Pokemon!"
Nathan was really excited by the news.

"Yes, well, there's a catch, as there usually is. If just any Ditto
could evolve, there would be a fair number of them, and they would be
well known. Unfortunately, only certain very rare Dittos can evolve, and
they need to use a King's Rock to evolve. Unfortunately, I have neither
a King's Rock, nor do I have the right kind of Ditto."

"What kinda Ditto do you need, Grandma? We could probably get a King's
Rock without too much trouble, I hear wild Poliwhirls and Slowpoke
sometimes carry them."

"The chance of finding a Poliwhirl with a King's Rock is about like
finding a Misdreavus with a Spell Tag, and you know how rare *those*
are. There's a reason King's Rocks are the first prize at the more
difficult Pokemon competitions, after all. But you're right, finding a
King's Rock is relatively easy, compared to finding the right kind of
Ditto. Because the only Ditto's that can evolve are the extremely rare
Blue Dittos."

"Aren't they what Professor Oak likes to call 'shiny' Pokemon? Pokemon
that come in unusual colors? Oak talked about them on his radio show -
he says that even among the most common Pokemon species, like Rattatas
and Pidgeys, there are maybe only a dozen or so shiny Pokemon worldwide.
He also said that there's no difference between shiny Pokemon and
regular ones, except the color."

"Yes, Nathan, a shiny Ditto is exactly what I'm talking about. If the
scrolls are right, then Oak may be wrong about color being the only
difference. The only way to be sure is for us to get a King's Rock and a
Blue Ditto - and that's where you're going to help me."

"Me, help? How."

"Nathan, I know you've wanted to go on a Pokemon Journey, like your
friends have, instead of being stuck here taking care of my Dittos.
Well, now's your chance. I'm much, much too old to go out looking for
blue Dittos or King's Rocks. That's going to be your job. I can get
someone else to help me with my Pokemon, but I need someone I can really
trust to find a blue Ditto. And I do trust you."

"Wow, that's great, Grandma! A Pokemon Journey at last!"

"This won't be an ordinary Pokemon Journey, mind you. I don't want you
wasting your time challenging Gyms or competing in the Leagues, or
trying to get one of every Pokemon. All we want is one very special
Pokemon. I'll be giving you a special Pokemon I have to start out with,
rather than a standard starter Pokemon. Which means you won't be able to
register as an official Trainer."

"That's all right, Grandma! Everyone else can do the 'challenge the
Gyms, compete in the League' thing. I'll be doing something different -
something none of the other kids have done! Something *no one* else has
done! I can't wait!"

"That's a very good attitude, grandson. Now let's eat dinner, and in the
morning we'll put together what you need to start your journey."

________________

The next morning, Professor Pine showed a Pokeball to her grandson.
"Nathan, this is a Pokemon I acquired several years ago as part of a
breeding experiment. Do you know what the primary feature of a Smeargle
is?"

"They're the Pokemon that can permanently learn any Pokemon technique
just by seeing another Pokemon use it, right? I believe the technique is
called Sketch."

"That's correct. Of course, a Smeargle can only learn a limited number
of techniques during their lifetime, so you have to be careful in
choosing which techniques they learn. Also, they can't learn techniques
in any other fashion - machine-assisted training methods, for instance,
don't work."

Eugenia activated the Pokeball, materializing a grey Smeargle with a
green-tipped tail. "Nathan, I'd like you to meet Kagami. I acquired
Kagami in order to teach her a very special Pokemon technique, a
technique you're very familiar with. Specifically, Kagami knows the
Transform power."

"That's cool. So why'd you teach Kagami how to change like Dittos do?"

"I wanted to see if being able to change into other Pokemon was behind
Ditto's special breeding abilities. Unfortunately, the experiment didn't
pan out. Kagami can only breed with other ground-group Pokemon, and, as
she's female, the child is always a Smeargle.

"However," continued the professor, "while the breeding experiment
didn't pan out, Kagami can still change into other Pokemon forms, and
she can retain them as long as she has a Spell Tag. Right now she knows
one form, and can probably learn a couple of others. She can also learn
two more techniques using Sketch, and when she grows more powerful, she
will be able to retain more forms and learn more techniques."

Nathan noticed the Spell Tag around Kagami's neck. "Pleased to meet you,
Kagami. We're going to be going on a special Pokemon Journey together,
so I hope you'll accept me as your new trainer."

"Smear-smeargle!" said Kagami enthusiastically.

"I think she's happy with that," said Professor Pine. "Unfortunately,
I'm afraid I've rather neglected her for several years, since the
original experiment didn't pan out. She's spent most of the time in
storage, so this is a chance for her to get out and shine. Now, Kagami,
could you show Nathan the form I've taught you?"

"Smeer-GULL!" Kagami began glowing with a bright white light, which
quickly changed shape into a familiar duck-like form. As the glow faded,
Nathan saw that Kagami had changed into a Porygon2, identical to his
grandmother's Washu.

"Washu and I have been together for many years now - I managed to get
one of the first Porygons ever created. It's been extremely useful in my
research, and I think Kagami's Porygon2 form will be useful as well.
I've uploaded all the software I used in my field research. There's an
up-to-date Pokedex program with all the latest data on Pokemon, a map
and Guidebook, and a journal program. I want you to keep track of your
progress in the journal, and record anything you learn about Dittos or
the Ditto Masters. Porygon2 can also access the communications
satellites, so you can call or email me from anywhere, or look up any
information you might need on the Net. Just ask Kagami to transform into
Porygon2 and project a holoterminal, like this."

At the professor's command, the pseudo-Porygon2's eyes projected two
beams of light, which formed a holographic screen and keyboard. Eugenia
demonstrated how the keyboard worked - force fields provided an
apparently solid typing surface.

"Cool - that's really useful!" exclaimed Nathan.

"You can use it just like the desktop in your room. Just remember never
to have her forget this form in order to learn another - you won't see
too many other Porygon2s out there, and even if she did re-learn the
form, all those programs and other data would still be lost. Also, I've
taught Washu every technique she could learn, and you're not likely to
find another Porygon with that many skills!"

"I understand, Grandma. It sounds like this form will be pretty good if
I ever need her in a Pokemon Battle."

"Yes, and more so than you might expect. I haven't personally verified
this, but I saw an interesting article in the Johto Journal of Pokemon
Science by a Smeargle trainer named Yoshi. After reading about my
partial success with Kagami here, he trained a Smeargle named Leonardo
to Transform. Leonardo already knew several other Pokemon techniques,
and he was able to use them even when transformed into a Pokemon that
couldn't use those techniques normally. For instance, he could use the
Hydro Blast technique while transformed into a Magmar, which *really*
surprised his opponent in a match."

"That does sound like it could be quite useful."

"Now, here's a supply of Pokeballs. Kagami can only remember a few forms
right now, so you may find that you need other Pokemon as well, even if
you aren't participating in official battles. While you're not limited
to just six like an official trainer, I would try to stick with that
rule anyway. Having too many Pokemon means you can't really care for all
of them properly." The Professor handed Nathan a dozen regular
Pokeballs, then held out a Pokeball he'd never seen before, color-coded
blue and pink. "This ball is a Master Ball, Nathan. They're extremely
hard to get, and I could only afford the one. It's guaranteed to catch
any Pokemon, no matter how powerful, on the first try, and you don't
have to battle the Pokemon first. I want you to save this ball for
catching a blue Ditto, and nothing else - that way you can make sure it
doesn't get away."

"I understand, Grandma. I'll be really careful with it."

"Here's your ID - I've set up a bank account you can access with your ID
card. I'll be putting your allowance into it, plus a stipend which
should cover basic expenses. Also, I've made arrangements so that you
can stay at Pokemon Centers, even though you're not registered with the
League."

Lastly, Nathan received a large backpack with camping supplies - tent,
blanket, trail food, clothes, and all the other items he would need on
his long journey. He was ready to begin his Pokemon Journey at last!

______________

Author's Notes

* Smeargle and Sketch: They don't mention the Sketch power in the
cartoon, but my Pokedex/Breeding Guide for the game makes a big point of
using Sketch to breed Pokemon with various moves. I haven't tested it,
but I don't think there's any reason Smeargle couldn't copy Transform
just like any other Pokemon technique. So now we have the Incredible
Transforming Smeargle ?.

* Since the cartoon doesn't show Smeargles using their signature
move, I had to
invent what it would look like - I decided drawing a glowing rune in
the air would look
neat, and fit in reasonably well with what other techniques look like
in the cartoon.

* Kagami is Japanese for 'Mirror'. An appropriate name for a transforming
Pokemon.

* Dittos (and Smeargles) using Spell Tags to remember prior forms is
my own invention. It does not work in any Pokemon Game at the time of
this writing. If Nintendo wants to use this idea, be my guest!

* Shiny Pokemon: In the game, the only difference between shiny and
regular Pokemon is the color. However, in "A Better Pill to Swallow", we
learn that at least one shiny Pokemon, the Purple Shuckle, does indeed
have a special ability, which means the same may apply to other shiny
Pokemon as well.

* Porygon2 and the holoterminal. As far as I know, Porygon2 doesn't
show up in the cartoon, and the original Porygon episode is unavailable
in the US (no clue why not). So I've decided, based on the game and
other fanfics, that Porygon is sort of a living computer (can store
data, do computations, run programs, etc.) While the basic Porygon has
to interface with a regular computer for peripherals (screen, keyboard,
mouse, etc.), Porygon2 can project a holographic screen and keyboard,
much like Washu's computers from Tenchi Muyo. Porygon2 can also access
the Pokemon World's version of the Internet via a satellite link or
other wireless connection, and can take over various computerized
devices (vehicles, Pokedexes, or the like).

* Pokemon moves: In the games, Pokemon are limited to knowing four
techniques - if they want to learn a fifth, they have to forget an older
one. However, this rule does not seem to apply to the cartoon. While I
have not spotted a Pokemon using more than four moves in a formal match,
it is clear that Pikachu and other Pokemon do not forget techniques.
(I'm pretty sure there was at least one point at which Pikachu used five
techniques in a single episode, shortly after learning Iron Tail.) In my
story, I'm following the cartoon's rules. Hence, it is possible for a
very experienced Pokemon like Washu to know all possible moves (for its
species).
 

blackmamuth

Well-Known Member
#2
It's interesting, I can't really say much about it. nice premise, and a nice deviation for overused plot. Please, don't make he "bond" with his pokemon easily, at least make him have problems comunicating with them.
 

shout27

Well-Known Member
#3
Pokemon moves: In the games, Pokemon are limited to knowing four
techniques - if they want to learn a fifth, they have to forget an older
one. However, this rule does not seem to apply to the cartoon. While I
have not spotted a Pokemon using more than four moves in a formal match,
it is clear that Pikachu and other Pokemon do not forget techniques.
(I'm pretty sure there was at least one point at which Pikachu used five
techniques in a single episode, shortly after learning Iron Tail.) In my
story, I'm following the cartoon's rules. Hence, it is possible for a
very experienced Pokemon like Washu to know all possible moves (for its
species).
It's a balancing mechanism, play the original Red, Blue, or Green and you can Solo the ENTIRE game (well, besides those areas that require Surf, Cut, etc. to travel through) with a Kadabra, if they were allowed to keep all their moves you could absolutely OWN the entire World. I mean seriously they're capable of Healing, Damage Reduction, Psionic Attacks, and i've since forgotten what else they were capable of.
 

H-Man

Random phantom.
#4
...ugh. This fic has SOME promise, I'm sure of it... but it needs fixing, fixing, fixing.

The characters are droll, the plot devices overhype Ditto so badly you could call it 'Eevee', your author notes aren't needed, and you made a mistake by comparing your fic to a 'Mary Sue goes in a journey' one. It's not; it's a 'journey' fic, not a 'Mary Sue' fic. (Though I can't say I don't have second thoughts now.)

Also, what's with the random Nipponification? Washu and Kagami? Why not call them something else, something that makes more sense in the Anglicized PokÚmon stories?

Jeez... not even as parody, this works as-is. Which sucks because it's not a parody. Work harder, please.
 

Souffle

Well-Known Member
#5
Ditto read this chapter and didn't learn anything about this kid other than he lives with his grandmother and is going on a journey to find a shiny ditto.

Ditto is somewhat bored.

Ditto does not know what to think until more is written, and thus decides to go back to her husband and 5 kids.
 

happerry

Well-Known Member
#6
This looks pretty good to me, it has a very interesting plot idea.
 
#7
blackmamuth said:
It's interesting, I can't really say much about it. nice premise, and a nice deviation for overused plot. Please, don't make he "bond" with his pokemon easily, at least make him have problems comunicating with them.
Well, I can't say he'll have much trouble with Kagami, due to what happens in the second chapter (which I wrote a while ago). Things may be different with later Pokemon, however.

shout27 said:
It's a balancing mechanism, play the original Red, Blue, or Green and you can Solo the ENTIRE game (well, besides those areas that require Surf, Cut, etc. to travel through) with a Kadabra, if they were allowed to keep all their moves you could absolutely OWN the entire World. I mean seriously they're capable of Healing, Damage Reduction, Psionic Attacks, and i've since forgotten what else they were capable of.
Oh, I'm well aware of the reason the games have this limitation. And you're right about Kadabra, although that's largely because Psychic attacks were horribly powerful before Dark and Steel types were introduced (the only type strong against Psychic was Bug, and bug-types are rather weak).

H-Man said:
...ugh. This fic has SOME promise, I'm sure of it... but it needs fixing, fixing, fixing.
Wow... harsh.

The characters are droll, the plot devices overhype Ditto so badly you could call it 'Eevee', your author notes aren't needed, and you made a mistake by comparing your fic to a 'Mary Sue goes in a journey' one. It's not; it's a 'journey' fic, not a 'Mary Sue' fic. (Though I can't say I don't have second thoughts now.)
I'm glad you were amused by the characters (somehow, though, I don't think that's what you meant.

I'm not sure what the Eevee reference is to, to be honest. I am hyping the Ditto somewhat, but that is sort of a central element to the story. As for the author notes, I enjoy it when stories include these sorts of notes.

As for the journey comments... The reason I had the note is because I've never seen a Pokemon Journey story that wasn't a blatant Mary Sue. I'm pretty sure most readers have had the same experience, and automatically steer away from anything that doesn't center around the canonical characters. The disclaimer is so readers at least know I'm aware of the potential problems, and will be trying to avoid them.

Also, what's with the random Nipponification? Washu and Kagami? Why not call them something else, something that makes more sense in the Anglicized PokÚmon stories?
To be honest, I loathe most of the names for individual Pokemon in the Anglicized series. They are, with a very few exceptions, incredibly stupid-sounding. (for example, Sparky, Mini-dit, Bean). And I'm really not any better at coming up with interesting English names myself. I like the sound of Japanese names, so I use them. (The one good name from the series that I can think of, interestingly enough, is Lakoko - which is at least psuedo-Japanese!)

souffle said:
Ditto read this chapter and didn't learn anything about this kid other than he lives with his grandmother and is going on a journey to find a shiny ditto.

Ditto is somewhat bored.

Ditto does not know what to think until more is written, and thus decides to go back to her husband and 5 kids.
As I said at the beginning the first chapter is mostly exposition and setup.

Nice picture, though. What's the blue Pokemon? It's not one I recognize offhand.

happerry said:
This looks pretty good to me, it has a very interesting plot idea.
Thanks. The pic in your sig reminds me of a couple of Disruptor's genie stories - would you be him, by any chance?

Shadow Wolf
 

happerry

Well-Known Member
#8
Nope, I have not written anything beyond a few spellcheck copies actually. I got the pic off of Hypnopics.net. It is by Suechan and you can find it in Couple of Dragons' archives, the Suechan's Work one.
 

Souffle

Well-Known Member
#9
That's manaphy, The penultimate water pokemon. Only legendary that can have kids (though the kids can't evolve into it)
 

Drawde

Well-Known Member
#10
Shadow Wolf said:
* Porygon2 and the holoterminal. As far as I know, Porygon2 doesn't show up in the cartoon, and the original Porygon episode is unavailable in the US (no clue why not).
The reason it wasn't shown is pretty famous. At one point in the show, there was an explosion, which had part of the screen flash between red and blue very rapidly. This caused a lot of seizures in the kids watching it, around 700-800 or so. As I understand it, that episode hasn't been shown since, period.
 

Ura Mamoru

Well-Known Member
#11
Just as a side-note though, apparently, a Smeargle's Sketch absolutely refuses to copy Transform. I've tried in Emerald version, five times. Sketch failed every time it tried to emulate Transform from Ditto.

A few more side-notes, many of the names in the show are changed in translation, both in the show and in the games. Using the Gym Leaders and Elite 4 for examples (I am using the anime-exclusive leaders too)...

Japanese - English
Kanto

Takeshi - Brock
Muno - Flint (Takeshi's/Brock's father in the anime)
Mizuho - Lola (Takeshi's/Brock's mother in the anime)
Jiro - Forrest (One of Takeshi's/Brock's many brothers in the anime)
Kasumi - Misty
Sakura - Daisy (One of Misty's sisters in the anime)
Botan - Lily (*See Sakura/Daisy*)
Ayame - Violet (*See Sakura/Daisy*)
Matthies (he's an American) - Lt. Surge
Erika - Erika (They kept the name, probably because it's so similar to 'Erica')
Kyo - Koga
Anzu - Janine (Koga's daughter, fills in for Koga in 2nd Generation [G/S/C])
Natsume - Sabrina
Katsura - Blaine
Sakaki - Giovanni
Green - Blue (Name change due to English not getting Green Version in 1st Generation [R/B/Y], fills in for Sakaki/Giovanni in 2nd Generation. Also is Rival and League Champion in 1st Generation)
Musashi - Jessie (Anime-only, Viridian Gym)
Kojiro - James (*See Musashi/Jessie*)

Kanna - Lorelai/Prima (Lorelai in the Games, Prima in English anime)
Shiba - Bruno
Kikuko - Agatha
Wataru - Lance


Orange Islands

Natsumi - Cissy
Dan - Danny
Jigi - Rudy
Ruriko - Luana
Yuji - Drake (No relation to Genji/Drake from Hoenn) (Odd note, the Japanese anime refers to him as 'Head Leader' rather than Champion)


Johto

Hayato - Falkner
Tsukushi - Bugsy
Akane - Whitney
Matsuba - Morty
Shijima - Chuck
Mikan - Jasmine
Yanagi - Pryce
Ibuki - Clair

Itsuki - Will
Karin - Karen (Pretty minor difference there)


Hoenn

Tsutsuji - Roxanne
Toki - Brawly
Tessen - Wattson
Asuna - Flannery
Senri - Norman
Nagi - Winona (*blinks at the Japanese name*)
Fuu & Ran - Tate & Liza
Mikuri - Wallace
Adan - Juan

Kagetsu - Sidney
Fuyo - Phoebe
Pulim (She's a foreigner) - Glacia
Genji - Drake (No relation to Yuji/Drake from the Orange Islands)
Tsuwabuki Daigo (Japanese name order, Tsuwabuki is his family name) - Steven Stone


Frontier Brains

Factory Head Datsura - Factory Head Noland
Arena Captain Kogomi - Arena Tycoon Greta
Dome Superstar Heath (Assumedly a foreigner) - Dome Ace Tucker
Tube Queen Azami - Pike Queen Lucy
Palace Guardian Ukon - Palace Maven Spenser
Pyramid King Jindai - Pyramid King Brandon (No relation to the Male Protagonist from Hoenn, they have different Japanese names)
Tower Tycoon Lilla (Foreigner again) - Salon Maiden Anabel


Sinnoh

Kyouta - Roark
Natane - Gardenia
Sumomo - Maylene
Maximum Kamen/Maxi (Maxi seems to be a nickname, not his real name) - Crasher Wake/Wake
Melissa (Foreigner) - Fantina
Tougan - Byron
Suzuna - Candice
Denzi - Volkner

Ryo - Aaron
Kikuno - Bertha
Oba - Flint (No relation to Muno/Flint, the anime-exclusive character from Pewter)
Goyo - Lucian
Shirona - Cynthia


I believe I've made my point. I'd go into further detail about points here and there, but it's getting late now. 'Night!
 

H-Man

Random phantom.
#12
Droll is NOT a compliment.

The 'Eevee' comment is because it's the singlemost OVERUSED PokÚmon in fanfiction.

Unfortunately for you, you're in the MINORITY when it comes to 'reading author's notes'. It's NOT something wanted. That's some pretty lame self-pandering, actually.

As for names, you don't HAVE to use Japanese for that. Flammie, Leda, Korina, and others I've made aren't, they just sound similar. And for the record, most kids ARE stupid enough they'll call their PokÚmon either a dumb name or, at worst, their specie like in the animÚ.

Easiest way to fix this? Get a friend to read this. Ask them to be HONEST and not care if your feelings are hurt. If this still doesn't help you, then go take a good, long pause off this story and write drabbles until you're better.

And if you don't want to listen, oh well. It's your loss.
 

Random_guy

Well-Known Member
#13
The premise is reasonably interesting, and Shadow Wolf's technical command of the English language is a pleasant change from some of the fanfictions I have read.

Right, now for the criticism:
The main area for improvement I think is the 'richness' of the story. By this I mean the little details, the things which can turn a story from a dry list of actions into an immersive tale who's characters we actually care about.

A little additional information about the environment in which a scene takes place - though seemingly unimportant - can help the reader build a picture of that scene in their mind, or if you are feeling devious or nasty can be used to hide some plot point who's importance will only be releaved in the last act ;)

Also of importance are the character's emotions and motivations. While it is touched on, all I really picked up from this chapter is that Nathan gets bored of feeding dittos, and wants to go on a pokemon journey. Oh, and that his Grandma is obsessed with dittos. Perhaps it's just me having a fuzzy brain from tiredness, or perhaps it's that this chapter is more exposition that character development; I just think a little more on what makes the characters tick would have improved it.

Nitpicking:
Nathan Pine sighed as he fed his grandmother's Dittos. He'd turn fifteen
in another week. He'd always wanted to...
The "He'd turn fifteen in another week." seems a little out of place to me. It's not the most relevent bit of information to his sighing.

Author's notes:
In my opinion there are two cardinal rules of author's notes:
1) Author's note should not be placed within the text of the chapter. I have seen some miscreants who stick (A/N: some innane twittering) in the middle of a paragraph. It breaks the flow of the story horribly; though in the stories of those who use said device there is typically little flow to start with.

2) The Author's notes should be shorter that the text of the chapter.

Shadow Wolf's notes comply with both of these, and as such don't bother me; especially since this is a preview and request for comment.

-Random_Guy
 
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