Naruto Practical Ninjutsu

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#1
Oh shit, you guys, I return from the dead with FIC?! Granted, unoriginal fic, but fic none the less! HOLY BALLS.

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Practical Ninjutsu
Or
How I learned to stop worrying and love the jutsu
By IWWLHF / Eye of Chaos
Disclaimer: Own what? Own who? Naruto? Who me? No, Kishimoto. I write this for my own amusement and the entertainment of others, not for a profit. Enjoy.
Synopsis: Alternate Universe, NarutoÆs tutelage under the snake sannin Orochimaru was something of a legend in the eyes of many. After all, why would Orochimaru train the little brat? Slight NarutoxAnko, NarutoxHinata, and NarutoxIno. No OTP (Yet?)

Orochimaru was many things, besides being a ninja and a man. He was above all things, however, practical. Techniques that had limited use or scope did not interest him, weapons that did little more than stab and cut lacked grace and refinement, people who couldnÆt have a conversation for more than a few minutes about something less mild than the mundane bored him. Orochimaru was so practical that heÆd once argued with his teammates about the usages of a frying pan as a lethal weapon, a magnet, and a hairstyling implement besides its culinary usage. It never failed to bring a smirk to his face when he remembered the mark Tsunade had left on JiraiyaÆs face when the other man had made the mistake of voicing his opinion that ôCooking was a womanÆs way.ö

Orochimaru was not above base humor, after all. If he thought about anything for long enough he could get a good laugh out of it, although often times he didnÆt even need to linger in his mind for the world around him to provide entertainment. For example, his young apprentice Anko supplied endless measures of amusement when she would get frustrated with his style of teaching, or even better, when she would get frustrated with others for learning faster than her. Not to confuse anyone, he was a stern and committed teacher for the girl, but Anko just lacked natural talent for his particular specialties in the ninja arts. Ninjutsu techniques were hard earned by the girl, genjutsu only being marginally better as a field for her. Although he was proud to say, and he did fairly often in his opinion, that she had a very pleasing grace in taijutsu and ranged weapons combat.

But, Orochimaru was also, above all, a mental person. His mind wove intricate webs that would confuse lesser minds and even sometimes his own self. He was having one of those moments right now, sitting idly in the branch of a tree beside one of the academy training grounds, watching a small blonde haired boy practice a jutsu he knew no mere six year old not even beginning the academy yet could perform.

ôHenge!ö The blonde child grunted out, fingers formed into a clumsy mess of the ram seal. Even with his mind preoccupied the snake summoner could identify all of the issues with the childÆs performance of the technique. He slid down off the tree branch, quietly watching even as the boy tried again, shifting his stance wider and gritting his teeth.

ôHENGE!ö The dust picked up by the aura as childlike as itÆs producer would have impressed someone else, Orochimaru thought idly as he settled down on a nearby seat, what once had been a mighty tree felled by a wind technique if he were to hazard a guess. He didnÆt know why he spoke up then, maybe a desire to see the young boy succeed, or just the need to correct something that was flawed and imperfect. ôBring your fingers closer together.ö

That startled the boy, making his footing slip and he fell onto his rear end, looking around before the blue eyes that seemed familiar to the snake summoner settled on the ninja. ôWho are you?ö The boy jumped to the point, while otherwise rude, something he could understand. He waved his fingers, dismissing the boyÆs question for the moment.

ôTry again, bring your fingers closer together, like this.ö He tucked his knuckles together and settled his fingers and palms into the seal of the Ram. He watched the boy waiver between compliance and insistence of his question, before he stood and made another attempt. This time, Orochimaru was pleased to see that the effect was somewhat apparent. Instead of a skinny six year old boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, he was looking at what could be affectionately (if he was being nice) called a caricature of his own sensei. It still made him grin either way, however, especially when the boy phased back out of the technique and the expression on his face was one of joy instead of shame.

ôI did it!ö A bundle of energy despite a flawed attempt, ôThanks so much! Uh,ö The boy blinked, and the snake summoner saw even before the question passed his lips that he was going to reiterate. Being a ninja could take away simple pleasures like not reading into every movement. ôWhatÆs your name?ö Barely tall enough to register, covered in a baggy shirt and shorts held up only by a piece of rope cinched fair too tightly on the childÆs waist. Uzumaki Naruto was a pitiful sight from the neck down. While not bruised, he looked skinny and short for even his meager age. Orochimaru recognized the look of intellect waiting to slip out of those blue eyes, however. It was a familiar look to him, because he saw it every time he looked into a picture from his own childhood. Perhaps that was why he was here now, watching as the world recycled one creature to another, he mused.

ôOrochimaru,ö The snake summoner fought not to grin at the boy, and it was very hard not to because that look was natural on his face these days. Everywhere the black haired man looked, something flooded his mind with possibilities. ôAnd, whatÆs your name, young one?ö He knew, but giving Naruto the illusion of normalcy was a large part of his senseiÆs orders in regards to the jinchuuriki. Was he throwing that away here, right now? Just because he wasnÆt willing to let potential go to waste? Was he growing a conscience now, he wondered?

ôThe nameÆs Uzumaki Naruto, and you just saw the first step of a great ninja, Orochimaru!ö Ambition, even the taste of it in the air wanted to make the dark-haired man burst into laughter. He shouldnÆt even be here, he thought to himself, shouldÆve been in his labs or at least with Anko. Yet here he was, contemplating what a blonde haired six year old had just proclaimed, knowing very well that with a little push it would be the truth.

Orochimaru was a lot of things, actually. He was practical, he was a thinker, and he believed in the future as well as being a perfectionist. But, above all of them, Orochimaru was a man who was in a deep and passionate affair with his own dreams. Dreams were important to Orochimaru, he wouldnÆt be the man he was today without his dreams. Contrary to popular belief, Orochimaru hadnÆt had any real speck of talent as a ninja at first. When he was young, an affectionate woman adopted him out of the orphanage, she was an ex-ANBU operative whoÆd lost her left eye and most of the motor function in her left arm on the job. HeÆd worked hard to master even basic ninjutsu techniques, let alone the precision required for taijutsu and the traditional ninja tools. HeÆd begged his surrogate mother for help, wanting nothing more than to be ôas cool as his kaa-san.ö SheÆd been all too happy to beat the tar out of him on a daily basis until his skills were enough to pass the tests to be a genin when he was just getting allowed into the academy, but the woman Yua had been that kind of person, all business and tough love one moment and the next settling him down in his bed with rice cakes and a bedtime story book.

ôI believe you, Naruto-kun.ö He stated, in what he felt was an adequately impartial tone, ôIn fact, would you like some help to be a great ninja?ö Offer something they desire, the strategist part of his brain whispered, even as he tried in vain to quell it. The boy was not an enemy to take advantage of. The life of a ninja was hard indeed, he noted even as his golden eyes lingered on the void of his thoughts, only somewhat catching the motions of excitement the young boy went through.

ôThat would be awesome!ö The boy didnÆt yet understand that you shouldnÆt trust others so easily, but in this case he could forgive him. Orochimaru had given him no real reason to be suspicious, and while he wasnÆt openly affectionate towards the boy, he doubted that his controlled responses were on the deep end of the spectrum of things Naruto had been subjected to. The snake summoner wasnÆt comfortable being nice or friendly to the child yet, but he could grow to be and that was the fairest reason he could think of to be neutral. Naruto was interesting; he was a child smart enough to grab hold of the knowledge of a ninja technique, albeit an academy level jutsu that any graduate would know, which honestly piqued his interest more, who would have taught the child such a thing. Or, his mind thrilled at the idea, how did the blonde child get hold of the knowledge? Ninja techniques, even the simple academy jutsus werenÆt civilian clearance level. Someone taught him, or the child had gotten the knowledge illegally. The snake summoner was giddy at the thought, it was one thing to be ambitious and another thing entirely to have the prowess to back it up.

But, Orochimaru was practical, and he understood quite well that either way, it showed a resourceful mind. Naruto was six, two or three years away from entering the academy, depending on the nature of things by that time. Orochimaru intended to put Naruto on the track towards a dream he knew others lurking beyond the boyÆs periphery debated over. The snake summoner couldnÆt, after all, be doing this for nothing. Though, granted, screwing with the whole world with a grin behind a good deed was especially up OrochimaruÆs alley.

After all, things were getting boring for the student of the Sandaime. Plus, Anko needed a friend, even if he was somewhere around half her age. Orochimaru was, if nothing else, loyal to his adoptive motherÆs methods. Although, some would end up saying before the end of the night that he was an unrepentant troublemaker, as well. Orochimaru wouldnÆt argue, after all, Orochimaru was not a liar by nature; he just liked to bend the truth and contort it to his own means.

ôTell me, Naruto-kun, do you like dango?ö

------A true ninja is hiding inbetween the lines-----------------------------------------------------

Naruto was grinning the entire way as he followed Orochimaru to the markets, while he preferred different treats than dango he also wasnÆt going to argue when Orochimaru offered to buy him a stick. ôWhy is it that you want to be a ninja, Naruto-kun?ö The blonde haired child blinked, caught off guard by the sudden question. He thought for a few seconds, taking in his thoughts and attempting to organize them.

ôOld Man Hokage is a ninja, right? And look at how people treat him. HeÆs the most respected person in the village!ö The six year old thought that answer was acceptable, or at least the way he phrased it had been. He uncrossed his arms from behind his head, letting his hands drift at his sides as he walked, mimicking the older manÆs gait.

ôA leap in logic, but not an incorrect one,ö The snake summoner surmised, ôDo you know what it means to be a ninja, Naruto-kun?ö A tough question to ask a six year old, but Orochimaru wasnÆt expecting a perfect answer anyway.

ôHuh?ö Naruto questioned, blinking in feeble attempt, ôWellàö He paused further, completely disarmed by the question. He looked up at the dark haired man, trying to puzzle out the question while they neared the dango stand.

ôIt means lying, killing, and stealing, Naruto-kun. But, as well as that, it means doing the right thing as well as the wrong. The way I see it, Naruto-kun, we do bad things for good reasons, good things for bad reasons, and sometimes nothing for no reason at all. Being a ninja is what you make of it, but itÆs not a romantic vision of fighting monsters for damsels in distress.ö He almost felt bad for being so blunt, almost. ôI just want to warn you beforehand, I know itÆs not the best way to do it, but all dreams can become nightmares, shall I say.ö The dark-haired man mused to the blonde child, taking in how the jinchuuriki took his less than optimistic view on things.

But Naruto didnÆt even seem fazed for a minute until the blonde finally spoke up as they sat down, the sannin ordering two sticks each for himself, Naruto, and the tardy Anko. ôI kinda know that. I mean, I donÆt like it, but thatÆs not ûbad-, right?ö The blonde spoke, somewhere between bitter and hopeful in a way Orochimaru couldnÆt help but find amusing. ôLike the masked guys that watch me, they donÆt seem like bad people, they just get the short end of the stick sometimes, right?ö That thought rolled around in the dark-haired manÆs head for a few seconds until a shout caught his attention.

ôSensei!ö Ah, Anko is finally here. The sannin thought to himself, annoyed at her delay. Another shout from the girl rung through the air before she finally settled herself upon the stool at the little stall. ôHey, whoÆs the kid?ö Straight to the point, ever the predictable. It seemed the snake summoner was sitting in his mind too much today.

ôMy nameÆs Uzumaki Naruto, whatÆs your name, nee-chan?ö At least he didnÆt have to speak up for the boy. Naruto was grinning from ear to ear, that expression so like a fox with barely closed eyes and teeth showing. On anyone but the small blonde it would have been predatory.

ôMitarashi Anko, and donÆt call me nee-chan!ö Anko fumed, purple hair looking like a spray of the rising sun behind her head, brown eyes staring intently at the blonde. Orochimaru was amused at the least, the grin spreading on his face even though it bore his somewhat irregularly sharp canines.

ôNaruto-kun will be training alongside us for a little while, Anko-kun.ö The dark haired man spoke up even as both of his students looked to him. ôIÆm going to expedite his abilities, and weÆre going to make sure that he passes the academy before he even enrolls, youÆre going to help me, after all.ö Said as if it was simple, he knew Anko was up to the task, perhaps viciously so even as the purple haired girl smirked in a way that sent the blonde childÆs brow ticking.

ôSweet! IÆm not the bitch anymore!ö Naruto blinked at AnkoÆs outburst, ôYouÆve gone and goofed now, brat!ö

ôHey! DonÆt call me a brat!ö The ensuing squabble made Orochimaru sigh, nibbling idly at his now vacant dumpling sticks. Maybe this wasnÆt a good idea after allà

------Have you seen him yet?-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ôOw! Are you using real Kunai?!ö Naruto hissed as he tried to evade the barrage that was being sent his way by Anko, who was gleefully grinning the entire time as she did indeed throw lethal weapons at her new partner. ôShit, you are! WHY ARE YOU USING REAL KUNAI!?ö The blonde yelled as he rolled behind a tree to evade a few senbon needles.

ôOh stop whining! A little blood loss and some scars are good for you! Girls think theyÆre hot!ö Anko positively cackled with glee even as Orochimaru shook his head. This was definitely a horrible idea. The dark-haired man thought, sighing even though he did indeed enjoy the spectacle. Naruto did seem to slowly be improving as well, heÆd spent the first few minutes getting turned into a nicked up mess before he finally started doing more than jumping from side to side. This was bringing sword practice with Yua to his mind, he still had a few scars from those particular training sessions.

ôYou know, Naruto-kun,ö The sannin spoke loud enough for the blonde to hear, ôYou could try ûdeflecting- some of the weapons.ö Not exactly sage advice, but he was getting tired of the blonde dodging from tree to tree.

-----------------HeÆs definitely there, though.----------------------------------------------------

ôHot! HOT! HOT!!ö Well, if heÆd felt badly about the live weapons training before, Orochimaru was finding the blonde running around practically aflame hilarious. Maybe he was too much of a sadist for his own good. Anko cackling madly with glee was definitely not influencing him towards pity.

ôYEAH! Is it hot in here or is it just you?ö Anko joked, even as Orochimaru physically flinched from the awful pun. The snake summoner tossed a bucket of water at the cooking blonde to put him out.

ôThis time, try to successfully use the Kawarimi, Naruto-kun.ö

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ôYou got your ass kicked by a girl!ö Anko taunted, sitting atop a soundly beaten Naruto who looked rather worse for wear. The snake summoner read from a scroll idly, musing to himself how quickly the days were going by lately. Now all he needed was a jaunty tune and itÆd almost seem like some kind of weird montage.

ôGet offa me! YouÆre twice my size and you actually know taijutsu, how are you teaching me anything by kicking my ass?!ö Naruto fumed aloud, struggling to get free from under the purple haired girl.

ôThe best way!ö Because youÆre the best around? The dark haired man mused.

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ôWhat kind of a technique is this, anyway?ö Naruto frowned, completing the handseals and thrusting his palm out, a pair of vipers thrusting out from his sleeve and taking a bite out of a canvas training dummy. ôOh shit that is cool!ö The blonde grinned as he watched the vipers dissipate. Orochimaru shook his head with amusement, remembering the time he taught that technique to Anko and how sheÆd had an almost mirrored reaction, although she had used more vulgar language, which wasnÆt really a huge surprise considering.

ôYou can get that technique right on the first try, but canÆt even finish a Bunshin?ö Anko spoke up, sitting idly to the side chewing on a now vacant dumpling stick.

ôI can too! They justà look funky.ö The blonde rubbed his neck diffidently. Orochimaru looked thoughtful Even though it doesnÆt really matter, since he can proxy the bunshin test, maybe I should still teach him a different bunshin jutsu. ôBesides, I donÆt need any silly illusions. What am I going to do with an illusion of myself?ö Naruto muttered to himself.

ôYouÆll learn in the academy, for now, IÆm going to show you a few neat tricks you can use, and then youÆll be on your own from here on out, Naruto-kun.ö The sannin spoke, ôAnko has her exams soon and IÆve got a lot of work to do. Maybe weÆll see each other again sometime.ö

But Naruto never did, not until years passed, anyway. And even when he did, he ended up on a different side of the field from his short term mentor. But in the end, he gained a lot of things from his short time with the snake summoner known as Orochimaru. He also made a difference, even though he never would hear it personally, in the lives of both the sannin and his protÚgÚ.

-------------------------Still no ninja?---------------------------------------

Anko found it harder the more time went by after her sensei defected, leaving behind vivisected, horrifically tortured, and mangled bodies. She still didnÆt even remotely understand what could have changed so suddenly. One day he was teaching her and the blonde brat jutsu and combat forms, and the next he was just gone as if heÆd walked away without a care in the world.

Except he hadnÆt, there was too huge a trail to follow her old sensei, even Anko could see it even though none of the higher ups would listen to her. Each body, each scroll filled with notes, what had been missing in her teacherÆs life to have brought on such a violent fit of mania? Anko grew to despise the feeling of loneliness and, even more, the inability to even hold a candle to the mystery that lay behind her senseiÆs golden irises. She shut herself away from Naruto, even though a time or two heÆd tried desperately to be her friend and help her.

She did the only thing she knew best of her teacher, she searched for power by working hard to be a jounin. After all, she would never stop being OrochimaruÆs best

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Thoughts? Snippet of Chapter 1 below.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#2
SNIPPET MODE ENGAGED!

Practical Ninjutsu
Or
Open the Hokage Tower doors, Gai!
Disclaimer: Naruto? Own it? Not me. Enjoy the read.

It was the day heÆd been waiting for so long for, graduation. HeÆd suffered through far too much to be late or waste time on more than the necessities. Last nightÆs mess with Mizuki had been proof enough of that. CanÆt substitute for the bunshin my ass! He grumbled to himself even as he pulled his jacket over his mesh shirt and struggled to get his sandals secured. ôI wish I had the money for a new jacket. Maybe IÆll get some luck with my team choice. Come ON YOU ASSHOLE!ö After finally getting frustrated with the sandal and managing to get it on he set out the door towards the academy. He decided to jog there, grinning to himself as he palmed his hitai-ate and let his thumb slide over the engraved symbol of the leaf with spiral which was the symbol of this Village Hidden in the Leaves. He wished idly that his original teacher could have stayed to see this day, or at least even Anko, but he hadnÆt even been included in any of the details besides the fact that Orochimaru had left, leaving a broken hearted (And fucking mean) Anko in his wake.

HeÆd tried several times to get the girl to open up to him and smile, but it seemed as if she was hurting too much to do more than try to hurt him verbally or physically. He understood, somewhat, even if he felt she was going a little overboard with it all.

There was no time to think about it now! He needed to get to the academy, and find out who his team was! ôCharge!ö
--------------------------------Still no ninja yet?-------------------------------------------------



Snippet mode ended. Thoughts?
 

marthf1

Well-Known Member
#3
.SLLAB YLOH

Salutations, old one!


Hah hah, awesome Orochimaru. ....Very interesting, too....

Ooh, I like the mental aspect to this story.

Heh heh, amusing line breaks.

Not bad, though I have lots of nitpicks. A bit too short to create a real opinion.


------A true ninja is hiding inbetween the lines-----------------------------------------------------
This section is missing a few '{i}'& '{/i}' Also, 'in between'.

It seemed the snake summoner was sitting in his mind too much today.
This sentence feels a bit convoluted to me.

....that expression so like a fox...
This part feels a bit awkward.

....you're going to help me, after all.
Perhaps start off with a hyphen or a semicolon instead?

ôThe best way!ö Because youÆre the best around? The dark haired man mused.
I think you should split these sentences up, because it's a bit to compressed.

Is dialogue supposed to create line breaks? If so, you are often forgetting to start a new paragraph after a spoken line.

Even though it doesnÆt really matter, since he can proxy the bunshin test....
'Proxy' can be used that way?

You'll learn in the academy, for now, I'm....
I think the punctuation is off, here.

The sannin spoke...
Don't think this is quite right, on top of missing a line break.

short-term, I believe.

Except he hadn't, there was too huge....
I think you should end with a hyphen instead of the first comma & change the second comma to a period.

Each boy, each scroll...
I think you should change the second comma to a hyphen.

She did the only thing....
I think you should change the comma to a semi-colon.

Hah hah, is that a shrug & a wink or something?


!DEGAGNE EDOM TEPPINS

[-] graduation.

The next sentence is very clunky.

Don't think the italicized thought matches with 'grumbled to himself'.

I'm pretty sure the spoken dialogue necessitates a line break.

The all caps section probably needs some punctuation.

The next sentence doesn't quite make sense.

Hmm, is the explain of the symbol necessary?

Don't believe 'been included in any of the details' is how the sentence is supposed to be written.
 

MTing

Well-Known Member
#4
Interesting premise and nice characterization. How did Orochimaru avoid getting kicked out of the village for a few years?
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#5
"SheÆd been all too happy to beat the tar out of him on a daily basis until his skills were enough to pass the tests to be a genin when he was just getting allowed into the academy, but the woman Yua had been that kind of person, all business and tough love one moment and the next settling him down in his bed with rice cakes and a bedtime story book."

It sounded like you were saying that Orochimaru became a gennin shortly after he joined the academy. That goes against your previous part that said Orochimaru had trouble learning. Also, I don't see any actual direction for this story. If I saw this somewhere else with no summary I'd have no reason to stay.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#6
@Zeebee then why waste your time here, O Lord and Great Divine?

Still working on chapter 1. I've been reading back up on the manga to settle out plot and important shazbot I've forgotten.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#7
I meant that I'd have no reason to read further, but only if it was on another site. I am unclear on what the changes will bring. There doesn't seem to be a real focus. It feels more like you dropped the plot of Naruto learning from Orochimaru, unless the tutelage is resumed later.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#8
Well, the most direct changes will deal more with Chuunin exams +. Things will be different, and Naruto will definitely show some of Orochimaru's training as early as the bell test. Naruto just wouldn't be Naruto without Kage Bunshin and the kill me jumpsuit.
 

marthf1

Well-Known Member
#9
It's not a kill me jumpsuit - not one or the other or both.

Can't decide if just 'showing some Orochimaru's training' is weak or strong. On one hand, it was for a few weeks before the academy; on the other, that's all this story has going for it.... Can we at least know what your goal for this story is? Also, is Orochimaru supposed to be important or just misdirection?
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#10
Ninpo: Snippetu!

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It was hard to decide how he felt about his team, at first. While he did have a crush on his female teammate, Haruno Sakura, he didnÆt feel so enamored with Uchiha Sasuke. Naruto felt like the dark haired boy got everything he had to work hard for and more without even asking for it, Hell, he hardly ever says anything let alone Thank You. The blonde thought to himself in a tone that if it had been vocalized wouldÆve been close to venomous. And that sensei, whatÆs with him? Who shows up like a smarmy asshole and then slaps you with a declaration like that? A real genin test? SomethingÆs up. Naruto wasnÆt the brightest bulb in the hardware store, he would be the first to admit, but something itched at him about it all.

Sitting idly at the training field he once frequented so often with Orochimaru and Anko, he let these thoughts mull over in his head. ôShit, who could I even ask about him? I mean, sure, heÆs supposed to be some hotshot, but I need facts, not myths. And if heÆs going to teach us, knowing his sparring tactics ainÆt gonna be worth much.ö Naruto fumed, close to pulling his own hair out about it all. He yelled in frustration, throwing a shuriken into a target a few meters away. This has to be a psyche out. Some kind of ôhiddenö test to make sure weÆre even worth putting on the roster. But I could be overthinking it, and thatÆs the damn problem! Another shuriken stuck inside the target dummy as the blonde grunted, sitting down in a modified lotus position. ôThink you asshole, think.ö And so he did, Knowing Sasuke, heÆll take everything at face value and GET psyched out, IÆm already psyched out and we havenÆt even gotten to that training ground yet. Sakura isnÆt going to take anything into account without some part of it being pointed out to her, sheÆs smart but not wise. There has to be an angle here somewhere that IÆm just fucking missing! Fucking mind games! In a show of inordinate flexibility, the blonde curled around himself and unwound while his mind drifted, I canÆt take the guy too seriously. Naruto decided, speaking aloud to himself, ôIf I do, the test is as good as failed, I canÆt trust any intel from others but I can take it easy and see what I can find out, after all I donÆt even know what the test ûis- yet. It may just be showing up.ö

Naruto suddenly was aware that he was looking at his own fingers upside down. ôOh, I probably shouldnÆt be doing that technique while absent-minded.ö He noted, even as he stood up his body returning to its natural state, ready to try and take on the morning to come.
----------------------------------------------------N---------------------------------------------

Morning came easily enough, although the walk was positively torturous, since his cop out of not eating breakfast was that water and milk did not constitute breakfast, and he had also packed a lunch instead, if only just to piss his new teacher off.

ôTeach that, asshole.ö He muttered to himself, though he soon came into viewing distance of his two comrades waiting. ôHey! Sakura-chan, Sasuke.ö Try to be nice, he has to see you a lot now, maybe heÆll chill out and not be an asshole.

ôHn.ö Nevermind, IÆm a dumbass. Naruto mentally sighed, even though his grin returned when Sakura waved to him. ôYou two are here early! ô The blonde mentioned, looking at the two of them. Neither of them really seemed to have taken anything away from their meeting yesterday, or at least the outward appearance of the two of them didnÆt give him any reason to believe the opposite. Sakura looked well groomed and as if sheÆd spent most of the past day not doing any real work or heavy thought, and Sasuke was Sasuke leaning around on things looking like a poster out of Emo Bishounens with Shitty Haircuts Weekly.

He has about the same personality as a poster, too. Naruto thought, his grin becoming far more gleeful at his internal barb. ôI got here first,ö Sakura spoke up, the blonde diverting his attention to her, ôSasuke hasnÆt been here much longer than you.ö She seemed disappointed at that, and it was fairly obvious, even to Naruto, why. What is so attractive about this guy anyway? Maybe all the girls in class want to put him in a dress and watch him get stuck in the butt. Wow, -I- feel bad for thinking that. ôAnything come to mind, Sakura-chan? I mean, since youÆve been here youÆve had more time to look at this place, anything stick out?ö He let the rest of it go unsaid Any traps?

ôItÆs just another training ground to me,ö Sakura sighed, not understanding the hidden message, ôI was thinking about what sensei said yesterday,ö She admitted, ôIt bothers me.ö Naruto nodded, agreeing with her quietly even though she diverted her attention to Sasuke, probably hoping for acknowledgement. The dark-haired boy didnÆt really even seem interested in talking, not even offering a grunt in return. KibaÆs more civil. Naruto thought, even though he looked back at the pink-haired girl. ôIt does me too, but I canÆt figure out why. I thought at first he was psyching us out to see if weÆd even come, but thatÆd be too silly, and obviously he wants us to do something physical if he told us weÆd throw up if we ate breakfast. But he wouldnÆt say weÆd fail if it was just testing our limits, right?ö Sakura and Sasuke were both looking at him like he had said something crazy. ôWhat? I can be observantà sometimes.ö Somewhere between indignant and dejected, Naruto thought he must look like a kicked puppy.

ôYeah, I guess,ö Sakura side-stepped the thought, ôI havenÆt really been able to get anywhere with it either. What does he expect us to do? A shinobi is always prepared, but preparation is held in the hands of circumstance.ö Man that is sexy. Naruto thought to himself, remembering suddenly part of why he liked Sakura so much. She was smart, and passionate about what she wanted, even if her particular drives werenÆt up to snuff yet.

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Well, itÆs good to see theyÆve got brains amongst this batch, Kakashi mused amidst the leaves of a tree, Now if they can act like a team, I might actually pass them. HeÆd let them work through it as much as he was going to in his midst, it was time to drop the bomb.
The jounin slid quietly onto the training logs nearby. ôYo.ö He intoned, giving a short salute, visible eye closed in a grin.

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MTing

Well-Known Member
#11
The words the character's are saying make sense, but the sentence and the flow seem stilted and unnatural. It's also got some strange formatting that's quite off putting.

Other than that, grammar and spelling are both great. Naruto shows some of Orochimaru's influence by thinking things out instead of rushing in.
 

MnemoD

Well-Known Member
#12
@MTing Thank you, it's been so long since I wrote something I know my writing must have terribly been affected, this is all without any outside help so I can at least honestly say the unnatural writing is a fault of mine.

Other than that, I'm trying to speed things along while making notes until we get to more relevant plot, I just want to showcase what's changed versus canon in this (That I didn't intentionally say fuck you to.)
 
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