DonÆt ask me how this thing came to my mindà Well, probably because I was playing the PSP version while watching the movieà Yep. ThatÆs probably it. The thing just started crawling into my headà And here it is. Warning. It will not be a movie transcription. I tried to do something original, mixing the movie with a behind the scene and the movieÆs realization. And on top of that, it will not be identical to the movie at all. IÆll try to insert as many original references and parodies as I can. Wellà Enjoy.
Prologue
The Araguay woods areà No. LetÆs not start with a lie. So not my style. The Araguay woods are not, and will never be a nice place. I mean, come on! They are crowded with ghosts, goblins, cats that can turn you to stoneà But that day were even crazier than usual. So much that even the monsters were in hiding. In hiding from the five dark skinned guys wearing strange clothesà Including an azure hat and a pantyhose of the same colour. And the leader of the group, wearing sunglasses, was rapping. That was even more frightening.
Yo! Check it out
Prince Dicey and the Sheriff
They was running the show
Raising the taxes
'Cause they needed the dough
A reign of terror
Took over the land
They was shaking down the people
Just to beat the band
Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
The people were unhappy
Morale was low
They had no place to turn to
There was nowhere to go
They needed a hero
But no one could be found
'Cause Ramza Beoulve was out of town
I said Hey!
Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
He was put into the slammer
By his Romà
ôRomà Romanàö
ôStoooooooooooop! Marach, for godÆs sake! ItÆs Romandian! Ro-Man-Dian!ö
ôWell, in the original movie it was Arab instead of Arabian! Why canÆt I just say Romand?!ö
Ramza groaned in his seat, while going trough some pages of the script. It had been two days since Marach had been trying that scene, and since they needed him for the next scene, they couldnÆt go forward. Someone handed him a cup of coffee and he gulped it down in one move, without even asking how the hell did they manage to make hot coffee in a forest.
ôThanksàö He sighed some more. He recognized the person who had brought him the coffee just when she sat down beside him. Agrias Oaks, massaging her temples.
ôRemind me why we are doing this again?ö Asked the knight.
ôBecause otherwise we would make vain GollundÆs æsacrificeÆà Our evil freak of a director already burned it to do that part of the opening credits before even telling us that he was planning this thing.ö Ramza batted his head against the script. Every time he remembered about the æauditionÆ, he got an headache.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One week before
ôNow, before I rip off someoneÆs Zodiac stonesà IÆm talking to all the backstabbers, dark plotters and killers hereà Give me a reason to not do so.ö
ôCome on, itÆs been ages since the last time weÆve metàö
ôDelita Heiral, remove that hand from Princess OveliaÆs waist before I cut it off.ö
ôDonÆt worry, Agrias. I can defend myself.ö An incredibly hard slap resounded in the whole hall of EagroseÆs castle, leaving Delita on the ground with a red hand-print on his face. This caused a round of applauses from certain people in the room.
ôAwww, come onà Between husband and wifeàö
ôFirst, itÆs till death do us apart! And since we killed each other, and that was probably the best thing IÆve ever done in my life, weÆre done for! And second, I donÆt think that marriage has even been valid in the first place, since IÆm not really Ovelia Atkascha! I donÆtà I donÆt know my real name! Waaaah!ö
ôOh, god, another of her crisisàö Meliadoul plugged her ears under her hood while the girl kept on crying, comforted by Agrias. Sure, not knowing your real name or where you come from is really sad, but her ears were in serious danger every time the girl opened her taps.
ôAlrightà LetÆs leave old stories alone, otherwise it will just end in another bloodshed.ö Ramza Beoulve rubbed his temples. ôDoes anyone have any ideas of why we were all called here? This place has been abandoned ever since I killed my eldest brotheràö
ôSpeaking of which, where did him and Zalbaag go?ö Asked Alma, sitting beside Ramza on a step of the castleÆs main hall. Marach snickered, before answering.
ôTheyÆre upstairs trying to beat the shit out of each other. Or better, Zalbaag is. Dycedarg is running away. Without a Zodiac stone theyÆre kind of even, butà Zalbaag is the one who got first turned into a zombie-vampire-thing before being killed by his own brotherà The good one. So, I suppose heÆs pretty pissed off at him.ö
ôAnd that counts something, you say? Then, I should have been able to kill the Duke with ease. Yet, you almost got killed.ö Rapha punched her brotherÆs head, playfully. Mustadio snickered at their antics.
ôWell, Ramza asked a good question. And since we were all with him, at the time we received the communication via magic spell, no one from our group can know anything about itàö Mustadio scratched his chin, looking at the remaining three people in the room who still hadnÆt talked. Mainly, a grumpy High Inquisitor, a Dark knight, and a swordman summoned from another world.
ôA trick of the devil, I tell youà A trick of the devil.ö
ôOh, forà I guess being an inquisitor does some funny things to your mind, hn?ö Gaffgarion grunted at the older man. Now he understood why no one liked inquisitors. It wasnÆt just because they were people who went around burning people at stake when they didnÆt like a detail about themà
ôDonÆt ask me. When I got summoned, and I mean literally summonedàö Cloud Strife, now wearing a much darker attire compared to the clothes he had when he first met Ramza and his companions, just replied with his usual voice and brushed one of his long blonde spikes. ôI was making a delivery. It really surprised meà Even ifàö Cloud stopped his brushing to observe the group in front of him. The youngest of the Beoulve blushed and then turned away, but still couldnÆt help but stare with the tail of her eyes at the blonde swordman. ôI canÆt say that itÆs not a pleasure to meet you again, guysà Last thing I remember was a big explosion. And then, I woke up back on my planet on a wheelchair.ö
Ramza smiled and rubbed his little sisterÆs head. Her first crush. How cuteà
ôI just hope all the practice you got here was useful. From what you remembered of your homeworld, you were in a battle as big, if not bigger, than our.ö
ôIt wasà Oh, ser Orlandeau. Found anythingà Or anyone?ö Cloud turned to observe the æThunder godÆ, coming back from the upper floor. The man shook his head in sign of denial.
ôNothing, apart a Dycedarg shaped hole. I suppose we have no choice but to wait for our mysterious hostàö
ôWho happens to have arrived here right now.ö At that, everyone in the room, and even the two brawling brothers at the upper floor, turned towards the main entrance of the castle. And the Beoulve siblings and Orlandeau almost fainted at what they saw.
ôà Father?ö Asked weakly Ramza.
ôNah, just joking with you.ö The man removed the mask he was wearing, much to many peopleÆs face-faulting. Ramza rubbed his hurting face while getting back on his feet.
ôWho the hell are you?ö
ôThe one who gave you the ability to break the fourth wall.ö The young man got a cap from behind his back and put it on his head. ôThe very fact that youÆre able to even understand what that means is proof enoughàö
ôàö Agrias blinked at the strange manÆs wordsà And understood them completely. She then just shrugged. ôWhatever. What have you called us all here for?ö
ôA new script, of course. Alrightà I suppose youÆre now all familiar with the movie æRobin Hood: Men in tightsÆ?ö
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ôThe blind servant?! IÆm a freaking machinist! I can make someone paraplegic from 100 yards and I have to be the BLIND servant?!ö
ôOh, come on! I have like, the shortest part in the whole movie! Even if the rap is cool!ö
ôI hope for his sake that he didnÆt give me this part because he thinks I look like a manàö
ôSame here, Meliadoul. Same here.ö
ôTake that! IÆm prince John!ö
ôEhmà YouÆre evil again, you know.ö
ôYes! But even if youÆre the king, you have five minutes of appearance! Ah!ö
ôIÆm so going to enjoy the toilets jokeàö
ôWhy must Ramza be the main character?ö
ôBecause IÆm not a manipulative backstabber with a sister complex. Beside, youÆre not blonde.ö
ôLooks whoÆs talking about complexes. You had the biggest crush IÆve ever seen, on my sister.ö
ôI-I had not!ö
ôHad too. Ah, right. You still have, so, have too.ö
ôHAVE NOT!ö
ôSorry, but changes are not allowed.ö The young man, now officially appointed as the director, was seating on a step of the main stairs with his hands folded under his chin. ôNow, it remains just one thing unsolvedà MarianÆs role.ö
ôThatÆs what I was going to ask.ö Ovelia made herself noticed first. Indeed, on the cast page, the actress isà Both me and Agrias?ö
ôWell, itÆs come to this because of a certain line of thought. Basically, here, we have five girls. Now, Maid Marian is RobinÆs lover. So, Alma is out of question.ö Alma blushed deep red. ôMaid Marian has long red hair, in the original movie. But, we donÆt have redheads here. So, I suppose blonde will be this movieÆs red. And as such, Rapha and Meliadoul are out of the picture as well.ö Rapha and Meliadoul ætsk-edÆ while snapping their fingers. Ramza sweatdropped. ôNowà Agrias and Ovelia are both going to play the part becauseà While the most obvious choice would be Ovelia, there are certain scenes that I just canÆt picture the poor girl to do without fainting.ö
ôLike?ö Ovelia blinked.
ôBathroom scene?ö Ovelia blushed red. Good point. Very good point. ôSoà EveryoneÆs good and dandy? Fantastic. Go to sleep and start studying the script right tomorrow.ö
End flashback
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ôSighà Well, I suppose it will be fun once we get the hang of ità I mean, there are some scene that I canÆt wait to doàö
ôLike our love scenes?ö Agrias smirked and enjoyed fully RamzaÆs deep blush.
ôEhmà I was talking about other scenesàö
ôSuuureàö
ôàö Ramza needed to change line of talking as soon as possible. Especially because he felt like three other pair of eyes trying to fry Agrias just by looking. ôOh! Seems like Marach finally got it right!ö
à needed a hero
But no one could be found
'Cause Ramza Beoulve was out of town
I said Hey!
Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
He was put into the slammer
By his Romandian foe
And in a little while
He would be no more
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny
Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
Check it out!
ôAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandà Stop! This one was perfect!ö
ôPheew! Finally!ö Marach removed his sunglasses and wiped the sweat off his forehead. ôI donÆt IÆll ever rap again in my own lifeà Apart for the ending credits, of course.ö
ôGood job, everyoneà Well, Marach and the four dancers.ö The director rubbed the back of his head and then picked out a megaphone out of nowhere. ôLunch-break and then we go to Zaklaus desert for theàö
ôEhm, just one questionàö The director stopped hearing his assistantÆs voice. Tietra Heiral. ôRomanda is a northern countryà More than hotter, wouldnÆt it be colder than Ivalice?ö
ôàö The director blinked at his assistant. But strangely, he did not miss Ramza checking out TietraÆs jeans-clad legsà Very tight jeans. He put the megaphone to his mouth again. ôLunch break and then we go to somewhere cold with a little snow for the prison scene!ö
Ramza Beoulve: Men inà
Chapter1: Got some levels in Monk?
More coming soon.
Prologue
The Araguay woods areà No. LetÆs not start with a lie. So not my style. The Araguay woods are not, and will never be a nice place. I mean, come on! They are crowded with ghosts, goblins, cats that can turn you to stoneà But that day were even crazier than usual. So much that even the monsters were in hiding. In hiding from the five dark skinned guys wearing strange clothesà Including an azure hat and a pantyhose of the same colour. And the leader of the group, wearing sunglasses, was rapping. That was even more frightening.
Yo! Check it out
Prince Dicey and the Sheriff
They was running the show
Raising the taxes
'Cause they needed the dough
A reign of terror
Took over the land
They was shaking down the people
Just to beat the band
Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
The people were unhappy
Morale was low
They had no place to turn to
There was nowhere to go
They needed a hero
But no one could be found
'Cause Ramza Beoulve was out of town
I said Hey!
Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
He was put into the slammer
By his Romà
ôRomà Romanàö
ôStoooooooooooop! Marach, for godÆs sake! ItÆs Romandian! Ro-Man-Dian!ö
ôWell, in the original movie it was Arab instead of Arabian! Why canÆt I just say Romand?!ö
Ramza groaned in his seat, while going trough some pages of the script. It had been two days since Marach had been trying that scene, and since they needed him for the next scene, they couldnÆt go forward. Someone handed him a cup of coffee and he gulped it down in one move, without even asking how the hell did they manage to make hot coffee in a forest.
ôThanksàö He sighed some more. He recognized the person who had brought him the coffee just when she sat down beside him. Agrias Oaks, massaging her temples.
ôRemind me why we are doing this again?ö Asked the knight.
ôBecause otherwise we would make vain GollundÆs æsacrificeÆà Our evil freak of a director already burned it to do that part of the opening credits before even telling us that he was planning this thing.ö Ramza batted his head against the script. Every time he remembered about the æauditionÆ, he got an headache.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One week before
ôNow, before I rip off someoneÆs Zodiac stonesà IÆm talking to all the backstabbers, dark plotters and killers hereà Give me a reason to not do so.ö
ôCome on, itÆs been ages since the last time weÆve metàö
ôDelita Heiral, remove that hand from Princess OveliaÆs waist before I cut it off.ö
ôDonÆt worry, Agrias. I can defend myself.ö An incredibly hard slap resounded in the whole hall of EagroseÆs castle, leaving Delita on the ground with a red hand-print on his face. This caused a round of applauses from certain people in the room.
ôAwww, come onà Between husband and wifeàö
ôFirst, itÆs till death do us apart! And since we killed each other, and that was probably the best thing IÆve ever done in my life, weÆre done for! And second, I donÆt think that marriage has even been valid in the first place, since IÆm not really Ovelia Atkascha! I donÆtà I donÆt know my real name! Waaaah!ö
ôOh, god, another of her crisisàö Meliadoul plugged her ears under her hood while the girl kept on crying, comforted by Agrias. Sure, not knowing your real name or where you come from is really sad, but her ears were in serious danger every time the girl opened her taps.
ôAlrightà LetÆs leave old stories alone, otherwise it will just end in another bloodshed.ö Ramza Beoulve rubbed his temples. ôDoes anyone have any ideas of why we were all called here? This place has been abandoned ever since I killed my eldest brotheràö
ôSpeaking of which, where did him and Zalbaag go?ö Asked Alma, sitting beside Ramza on a step of the castleÆs main hall. Marach snickered, before answering.
ôTheyÆre upstairs trying to beat the shit out of each other. Or better, Zalbaag is. Dycedarg is running away. Without a Zodiac stone theyÆre kind of even, butà Zalbaag is the one who got first turned into a zombie-vampire-thing before being killed by his own brotherà The good one. So, I suppose heÆs pretty pissed off at him.ö
ôAnd that counts something, you say? Then, I should have been able to kill the Duke with ease. Yet, you almost got killed.ö Rapha punched her brotherÆs head, playfully. Mustadio snickered at their antics.
ôWell, Ramza asked a good question. And since we were all with him, at the time we received the communication via magic spell, no one from our group can know anything about itàö Mustadio scratched his chin, looking at the remaining three people in the room who still hadnÆt talked. Mainly, a grumpy High Inquisitor, a Dark knight, and a swordman summoned from another world.
ôA trick of the devil, I tell youà A trick of the devil.ö
ôOh, forà I guess being an inquisitor does some funny things to your mind, hn?ö Gaffgarion grunted at the older man. Now he understood why no one liked inquisitors. It wasnÆt just because they were people who went around burning people at stake when they didnÆt like a detail about themà
ôDonÆt ask me. When I got summoned, and I mean literally summonedàö Cloud Strife, now wearing a much darker attire compared to the clothes he had when he first met Ramza and his companions, just replied with his usual voice and brushed one of his long blonde spikes. ôI was making a delivery. It really surprised meà Even ifàö Cloud stopped his brushing to observe the group in front of him. The youngest of the Beoulve blushed and then turned away, but still couldnÆt help but stare with the tail of her eyes at the blonde swordman. ôI canÆt say that itÆs not a pleasure to meet you again, guysà Last thing I remember was a big explosion. And then, I woke up back on my planet on a wheelchair.ö
Ramza smiled and rubbed his little sisterÆs head. Her first crush. How cuteà
ôI just hope all the practice you got here was useful. From what you remembered of your homeworld, you were in a battle as big, if not bigger, than our.ö
ôIt wasà Oh, ser Orlandeau. Found anythingà Or anyone?ö Cloud turned to observe the æThunder godÆ, coming back from the upper floor. The man shook his head in sign of denial.
ôNothing, apart a Dycedarg shaped hole. I suppose we have no choice but to wait for our mysterious hostàö
ôWho happens to have arrived here right now.ö At that, everyone in the room, and even the two brawling brothers at the upper floor, turned towards the main entrance of the castle. And the Beoulve siblings and Orlandeau almost fainted at what they saw.
ôà Father?ö Asked weakly Ramza.
ôNah, just joking with you.ö The man removed the mask he was wearing, much to many peopleÆs face-faulting. Ramza rubbed his hurting face while getting back on his feet.
ôWho the hell are you?ö
ôThe one who gave you the ability to break the fourth wall.ö The young man got a cap from behind his back and put it on his head. ôThe very fact that youÆre able to even understand what that means is proof enoughàö
ôàö Agrias blinked at the strange manÆs wordsà And understood them completely. She then just shrugged. ôWhatever. What have you called us all here for?ö
ôA new script, of course. Alrightà I suppose youÆre now all familiar with the movie æRobin Hood: Men in tightsÆ?ö
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ôThe blind servant?! IÆm a freaking machinist! I can make someone paraplegic from 100 yards and I have to be the BLIND servant?!ö
ôOh, come on! I have like, the shortest part in the whole movie! Even if the rap is cool!ö
ôI hope for his sake that he didnÆt give me this part because he thinks I look like a manàö
ôSame here, Meliadoul. Same here.ö
ôTake that! IÆm prince John!ö
ôEhmà YouÆre evil again, you know.ö
ôYes! But even if youÆre the king, you have five minutes of appearance! Ah!ö
ôIÆm so going to enjoy the toilets jokeàö
ôWhy must Ramza be the main character?ö
ôBecause IÆm not a manipulative backstabber with a sister complex. Beside, youÆre not blonde.ö
ôLooks whoÆs talking about complexes. You had the biggest crush IÆve ever seen, on my sister.ö
ôI-I had not!ö
ôHad too. Ah, right. You still have, so, have too.ö
ôHAVE NOT!ö
ôSorry, but changes are not allowed.ö The young man, now officially appointed as the director, was seating on a step of the main stairs with his hands folded under his chin. ôNow, it remains just one thing unsolvedà MarianÆs role.ö
ôThatÆs what I was going to ask.ö Ovelia made herself noticed first. Indeed, on the cast page, the actress isà Both me and Agrias?ö
ôWell, itÆs come to this because of a certain line of thought. Basically, here, we have five girls. Now, Maid Marian is RobinÆs lover. So, Alma is out of question.ö Alma blushed deep red. ôMaid Marian has long red hair, in the original movie. But, we donÆt have redheads here. So, I suppose blonde will be this movieÆs red. And as such, Rapha and Meliadoul are out of the picture as well.ö Rapha and Meliadoul ætsk-edÆ while snapping their fingers. Ramza sweatdropped. ôNowà Agrias and Ovelia are both going to play the part becauseà While the most obvious choice would be Ovelia, there are certain scenes that I just canÆt picture the poor girl to do without fainting.ö
ôLike?ö Ovelia blinked.
ôBathroom scene?ö Ovelia blushed red. Good point. Very good point. ôSoà EveryoneÆs good and dandy? Fantastic. Go to sleep and start studying the script right tomorrow.ö
End flashback
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ôSighà Well, I suppose it will be fun once we get the hang of ità I mean, there are some scene that I canÆt wait to doàö
ôLike our love scenes?ö Agrias smirked and enjoyed fully RamzaÆs deep blush.
ôEhmà I was talking about other scenesàö
ôSuuureàö
ôàö Ramza needed to change line of talking as soon as possible. Especially because he felt like three other pair of eyes trying to fry Agrias just by looking. ôOh! Seems like Marach finally got it right!ö
à needed a hero
But no one could be found
'Cause Ramza Beoulve was out of town
I said Hey!
Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
He was put into the slammer
By his Romandian foe
And in a little while
He would be no more
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny
Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
Check it out!
ôAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandà Stop! This one was perfect!ö
ôPheew! Finally!ö Marach removed his sunglasses and wiped the sweat off his forehead. ôI donÆt IÆll ever rap again in my own lifeà Apart for the ending credits, of course.ö
ôGood job, everyoneà Well, Marach and the four dancers.ö The director rubbed the back of his head and then picked out a megaphone out of nowhere. ôLunch-break and then we go to Zaklaus desert for theàö
ôEhm, just one questionàö The director stopped hearing his assistantÆs voice. Tietra Heiral. ôRomanda is a northern countryà More than hotter, wouldnÆt it be colder than Ivalice?ö
ôàö The director blinked at his assistant. But strangely, he did not miss Ramza checking out TietraÆs jeans-clad legsà Very tight jeans. He put the megaphone to his mouth again. ôLunch break and then we go to somewhere cold with a little snow for the prison scene!ö
Ramza Beoulve: Men inà
Chapter1: Got some levels in Monk?
More coming soon.