Naruto The Review Pile

goldenarms · Jun 2, 2011

Welcome to The Review Pile, where we read and review bad fanfics so you don't have to expose yourself to the taint of just how god awful some stories are

Since starting out inn various fandoms, there's always been some genres I wouldn't willfully read on general principle. Today, I had a moment of thought and said to myself, "You know, Self, perhaps you shouldn't be so narrowmided. after all, just how bad can it really be?"

That part of me has been sealed in a block of cement and dropped over the Mariannes Trench.

General principles exist for a reason. Do not violate them. They're there like survival instincts for your mind. And, I will tell you here and now... It's okay to be narrowminded when it comes to general principles. No one's going to hold it against you.

That said, I, in a moment of shockingly rational insanity, decided to read a yaoi fic.

......

......

...yeah, I'm still alive. Just trying to shake myself free of the mind-numbing horor I just subjected myself to.

Now, I'll be the first to tell you, I don't have anything against gay characters, per se. One of my favoritest characters in the whole of all the fandoms I took part in is Nuriko from Fushugi Yugi, a reverse trap who was in love with the prince Horohori. I so loved Nuriko that I quit watching the series I think two episodes after his death. It was quite heroic a way to go out, and it left me feeling terribly saddened by his death.

What I do have problems with is fanfic writers making heterosexual characters gay. Not "stupidly overpowered" gay. "Me suck you long time" gay. and often times there's no reason for them to be doing so whatsoever, other than to just be doing it.

Rule #1: If you're going to write a story -- any kind of story -- please, please, please make sense within it. That's all I ask for. If you're willing to go through hell and highwater to set up your story so that we have a process of evolution for the characters and you get me hooked on it, then I will read it. I read a six volume Adult series that involved several fetishes I do not like, to put it mildly -- off the top of my head, it involved things like NTR, domination/humiliation, incest and rape -- and I loved the whole thing. I loved it so much, didn't even think about all the terrible stuff I would normally object to with great anger until a few days after finishing the series, and it wasn't a big deal when I did stop and think about it.

It was simply a great story to me, and I enjoyed reading it from the first page to the last volume.

What I have here... it's nothing like a great story. In fact, it dreams of someday becoming a soggy-noodle bland story.

Seriously. This is just... bad.

The story for today's Review Pile: A Fox's Love Story A SasukexNaruto YAOI Story. Written by Kat Castoreno-Sama, this story makes for a good Exhibit A as to why some people should never be let near a keyboard or internet for the good of all.

Summary said:

I read this partly because I don't read yaoi fanfics on general principle. Just from summary alone, you can tell the yaoi fic is not going to make a lick of sense. Today, I blame it on the whole "I don't sleep at night" thing for a galling amount of bad judgment to try and expand my mind, to see just what has been lain down for the readers of the worldwide web

I'll tell you what -- pure and utter dung.

My face locked up in a paiful wice halfway through the story and it's still stuck like that an hour later. I have purged the fic from my mind as my brain goes into denial that it ever saw that story in its life.

Here's the gist of the tale -- Naruto is having an argument with an imaginary voice in his head as he thinks about himself always being alone.

Right away, this is not the Fox talking to Naruto. I dearly wish it was, though. No, this is the author talking to Naruto like some sort of alien symbiote leeched to the base of Naruto's brain stem.

This man is sick, and he needs emergency surgery, stat!

And already, even discounting the content, the paragraph structure... well, it's ugly as a dog kicked into a radioactive swamp.

That's one paragraph.

I was earlier thinking that maybe the writer is a foreigner. we can excuse foreigners for fucking up the English language and slaughtering sentence structure, grammar, punctuation and spelling; they aren't accustomed to it nearly as long as I have been, right?

Kat hails from somewhere in the US.

<_<

Anyway.

Naruto hears banging sounds in the distance and soon finds Sasuke practicing in the woods, knocking over trees with Chidori.

Knocking over trees.

What is this? Has Chidori turned into an electrified bowling ball? Is he practicing for League Night next week at Konoha Bowling Lanes?

Anyway, Sasuke finds Naruto standing there like an idiot, and Naruto's like, what's going on? Sasuke hides his hand behind his back and says:

:huh:

Say what?

Sasuke, arbitrarily making a practice hall for beginner nin?

I think they already have a place like that. It's called Konoha Academy.

So, naruto is apparently satisfied with this answer and starts to leave, when sasuke's like, "You, you want to get some ramen?" And Naruto's like, "Cool, okay." Because he's easy to capture if you put ramen before him.

Sakura, Hinata, take notes. There will be a quiz on this later.

So, as they're going to get ramen, Naruto starts to wonder something: why does this person have so many run-ons?

Okay, I lied; that was me wondering that, as I have to show you the paragrpah in question, just so you get the full impact of what I'm reading here.

So, Sasuke has invited Naruto out for ramen, Naruto says okay and as they're walking, he starts to think:

Acid reflux, Naruto. Take some Pepto Bismal for that.

No, it's not acid reflux, as we come back to the voice that has all the answers.

:huh:

Say what again?

At this point, Minato and Kushina should both come flying out of the seal like the fists of an angry god and smite this voice of wicked intent. Because , WTF?

No set up, no development. Just, "I says it, and you must obey!"

She's got a whole truckload of it!!

:no:

So, Naruto's like, No way! Not because he objects to the very idea with every fiber of his being. He objects on grounds that it'd be way too embarrassing.

<_<

So, Naruto, being the greedy ramen hunting ninja he is, is trying to quickly eat and run, while Sasuke's getting all motherly over him.

"Slow down, you'll choke."

"Watch out, you'll trip and fall."

"Let me clean your penis for you, it'll get infected otherwise."

<_<

Pebbles in Konoha must be the size of cats if Naruto is going trip on one. Holy hell, I will not be driving my SUV through that town anytime soon.

So, sasuke's being super-helpful and takes Naruto back to his place.

Of course, this is a lie. I know this not because of my superior deductive skills or my powerful intuitive feelings. Hell, not even because it's the predictable path of such tales.

You know how I know? The author blatantly tells us in parentheses in the very next line!

:headbanger:

Let's just throw out all two microns of suspense you accidentally invoked, shall we?

So, Naruto okays Sasuke staying over and then goes draw a bath for them both.

DANGER, NARUTO UZUMAKI! DANGER!

Meanwhile, the author is brainjacking Naruto yet again, trying to make him confess to Sasuke (presumably during their bath -- not that she bothers to explain shit-all going on here). Which Naruto refuses to do still.

Then the Author makes an Author's Note solely to tell us that Naruto is, in fact, arguing with himself.

Resist, Naruto! Fight her brainwashing powers! You can do it! Ninja Jesus the shit out of this author!

Fuck.

Also note, any pretense of trying to tell a story just disappears, as the above was shared by both Naruto and Sasuke.

Rough summary of happens next: Sasuke confesses first, hugs Naruto and asks if he feels the same. Naruto ... ugh, it's pains me to say this, but Naruto turns into a total pussy as he's about to cry and talks about always being alone. Sasuke takes initiative, kissing Naruto into a bed fall where Sasue undresses Naruto with the proclamation that he'll never be alone now, and asks kindly for permission to make him his now and, Naruto says "Yes."

And um... well, I think they had sex. It's really foggy and there's something about Sasuke putting his fingers inside of Naruto, there's some crying, and then... it's morning.

That's it.

Kind of thankful she didn't go into detail about it, but then again, the way the whole thing just kind of, dropped off, I think the author got excited at hat she was describig and frigged herself into a blissful frenzy, fell asleep, and was like, Oh, shit I gotta finish writing this!" and continued with the next day like nothing happened.

Anyway, it's morning, Sasuke's all possessive of Naruto. meanwhile the voice is talking to Naruto again about Sasuke discovering about the Fox and...

And she just happen two twelve year olds do "bad things" to each other. <_< :no:

Thanks, really, I love bleaching my brain in the morning.

Anyway, story ends with Naruto and Sasuke walking side-by-side into the future.

Oh, also, Naruto thinks "the future" is some sort of ramen.

:no:

This, is shit.

I assume the author is a fourteen year old girl that's looking for her own Edward. That somehow dulls the sting of such a shitty fic, but not by much. Horrific mangling of paragraphs, sentence structures, run-on sentences, fragments, spelling, lack of punctuation, and that's not getting into the whole no-story mode here. She doesn't explain anything that might make these situations plausible, nd the closer we get to the moneyshot, as it were, the less inclined she feels about even giving detail of what's going on.

The worst part of this "fic," is the Author on Board "voice" that talks to Naruto and tells him how wrong he is about liking Sakura. And casually brainwashes him, by the way, <a href='http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TakeThat' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>no massages involves</a>, and now were left with a weepy Naruto that's all tsundere for Sasuke, and Sasuke has to take the ini--

Oh, who the hell are people again? because this isn't anything like the Naruto characters I've been reading about.

And you know something really funny?

Summary said:

That's the summary. Where in this story did you see Naruto going, "Oh I dunno if I can depend on anyone here in Konoha." The word "depend" doesn't even show up in the whole damn story.

WTF? She can't even summarize her own story! These has got to be streams-of-thought tales. Because there's no fucking excuse for this horrible shit. Absolutely none!

It's so full of shit I can't breathe around it. Gays the world over should be insulted that Kat decided to portray them in any way, shape or form in this fic. Becuse it kicks your intelligence in the nuts, then rapes your puppy. With tweezers.

This fic must be used as a staple of US interrogation techniques. Terrorists will give you anyhting you want to know just from mentioning the title of what they're about to be made to read. God, it's just...

And that wraps up my contribution to The Review Pile. You want to review a story, feel free to do so here. Because we read bad shit so you do have to.

Zimo · Jun 2, 2011

You brave, brave man. Right. See that above. That is exactly what 99% of the hetro couple fics written like by girls are like. It's the Shoujo formula.

And why does the designated girl always cry? Why? Men aren't like that! Women aren't like that for...

Meinos Kaen · Jun 2, 2011

Zimo said:

I applaude your stomach and brave sacrifice... And if what Zimo said is true, then it means that no matter who puts it in whose ass, we are still thoroughly fucked.

... Damn. I guess that's why not everyone can be a writer, huh?

Ashaman · Jun 2, 2011

Zimo said:

So Shoujo formula = wimpy girls and pushy guys, lots of crying, unrealistic romance.

Shounen = Badass guys, idealism up to 11, tits, ass, and the occasional romance

Seinen = More Badass guys, more cynicism, tits, ass, sex and the truck load of blood and or drama.

What's Josei got then?

Because my only foray into that is Bunny Drop, and its quite cute and heartwarming.

Zimo · Jun 2, 2011

Ashaman said:

Josei is usually a lot more realistic when it comes to romance. The comedy ones can be pretty hilarious though again it's just chick lit. Imagine Bridget Jones with Shoujo undertones. Complete and utter garbage but funny. However, there's ones that take the Shoujo formula and draw it out to stupid proportions like "Midnight Secretary". It's nearly as bad as Desire Cunnilingus- I mean, Climax.

Josei can go into different things: ideal romances, bodice rippers, pretty men/boys, real romances, drama, Mary Sues, slice of life, etc, etc. Some good, most bad.

whitewhiskey · Jun 2, 2011

This thread is a dang good idea, but I have four questions:

1-Are you only reviewing Bad stories?

2-Are you only reviewing completed stories?

3-Can others contribute to this for the sake of saving others?

4-When you write for this thread, do you wear a black hat and jacket, a red tie and glasses?

Juopunumies · Jun 2, 2011

Isn't there already a thread for this?

Zimo · Jun 2, 2011

whitewhiskey said:

I said before that we should have one for good fics:

goldenarms · Jun 2, 2011

whitewhiskey said:

Usually bad stuff, or what I think is going to be bad. Every now and again, you might be surprised, though. Of course, given Sturgeon's Law, you're far more likely to come across bad stuff than good stuff anyway. I wouldn't want to review a good fic unless I just happened to stumble across something that sounds bad, but turns out well.

whitewhiskey said:

No. Otherwise, we'd probably be limited to oneshots, as many uncompleted fics linger around these parts.

whitewhiskey said:

Absolutely. If I tried to pull a Tailswapper in the Naruto section, I'd have to quit working just to get somewhat caught up.

whitewhiskey said:

How did you-- I mean, no... :unsure!:

goldenarms · Jun 2, 2011

Juopunumies said:

Beats me.

Zimo said:

Well, it's all your fault; you started it. :snigger:

It might be a good idea, a separate thread for good fics, though the thing is, I don't know many people that can really elaborate on a good fic. Hostility comes so much quicker because you're pretty much aiming to be insulting. A good fic, well, even f there's something glaringly wrong, most would be kind of reluctat to actually say it for fear of something.

whitewhiskey · Jun 2, 2011

goldenarms said:

Deleted member 5249 · Jun 3, 2011

Zimo said:

Meh. Most Josei tend to bore me. Some Shoujo may be beyond shitty like anything by Minami Kanan, Hwang Mi-Ri, Han Yu-Rang and the author of Desire Climax. But most tend to be pretty great. Not all of them as are infuriating as those. For every bad one I can name a dozen amazing ones.

NANA, a shoujo manga beat nearly any Josei in the more realistic relationship department. Cat Street as well.

goldenarms · Feb 28, 2013

[[Due to a request, I'm posting a review I don't think I actually got around to posting, mostly because of the unknown-till-now character limit I'm thinking, here. Feel free to enjoy my suffering and rage.]]

Okay, so let's see what we got here...

Oh... kay. Whatever works for ya, I suppose.

...mmm.... this... isn't good already.

Shoutouts are one thing, but recreating scenes from other stories... I don't think that's cool, but... whatever, let's go with this.

:facepalm: ...and so it begins...

Note, I'm not against people wanting to portray mature themes; it's just that most people honest-to-god suck at it. It's not something those with little understanding about the reasons behind something like rape should be trying to detail to us. It just feels like IKEA porn with a couple of donkey punches thrown in to make it look mean.

And by EXTREMELY strong language, what does that mean? Are your shits stronger than my shits? Will they reach through my monitor and punch me the fuck out? I want to know what does this mean.

In short, this is grimderp, gotcha.

:sigh: Can we just get this show on the road already.

Anyone that spends more than a paragraph with author's notes at the beginning is not someone I'm going to be expecting diamonds from. Just give us whatever factual information we need (or better yet, fucking don't) and just get on with it. Your summary and rating should have been more than enough warning as it were.

ANYway...

Goddammit~! Show! Road! Get it on there now! I really don't give a shit about you holding my hand the whole way through this story! I'm not six, and if you're writing this, you shouldn't be writing down to a bunch of readers that still need a sitter!

....

Someone let me know when he stops talking about his story and starts doing something with it. I'll be growing a beard in the meanwhile.

As much talking you're doing, I'm thinking of looking elsewhere just on general principle.

THANK GOD!

...now I gotta shave again, brb.

...all right! Show is on the road! Let's see where this goes!

It's like porn, only kinkier!

I swear to god, if the other ANBU is Guy, I'm punching this author in the face.

...you lucky motherfucker. I had my fist of rage all set for you, too.

Swear to god, far too many people act like there's only two ANBU in the whole village before the series start, and it's almost always involves Kakashi as one of them.

Minor nitpick -- if you're going to use Japanese, at least use the right terminology. Kyuubi no Yoko, playa.

Sarutobi: "Dammit, Naruto, I told you not to host that Uwe Boll movie marathon! Now look at you!"

So what was the point of telling us this, then?

And just how the fuck does he know this? MD does not equate psychologist, and it's a bit obnoxious that writers don't quite understand that just because you went to medical school doesn't mean you can do it all like it's a TV show.

Arashi?

ARASHI??

Oh, fuck me... how old is this fic again? :checks:

Ah, shit... I'm reviewing a goddamn fic from the Dork Age of the Naruto Fandumb... Fucking great...

:sigh: Should've checked... should've checked...

Let me tell you something... people whose minds are even the slightest bit fucked up aren't going to respond to normal stimuli. Naruto with a "broken" mind should be crazier than a bedbug. I.E.- not a goddamn thing is going make sense or anything because he can no longer process reality the same way as the rest of us.

Fucking psychobabble bullshit fail.

Can't be true Dork Age Naruto without horrendous beatings from the villagers. Nevermind that in a village of ninja he just gets beatings instead of, oh, I don't know, being abducted one night and never heard from again until the day the Fox comes roaring to life again and stomps nine mudholes in all of your asses.

And so, Naruto quietly died in that padded cell, unloved and alone, at the tender age of six. The end.

...oh, shit, sorry. We got more coming? Great...

FUCK YOU AND YOUR INFILTRATOR TOO, YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHITTY-ASS GAME COMPANY!!

...oh, sorry. I've been sitting on that ball of rage for a long time now. =AHEM= Back to the story.

Yeah, yeah, abused, underfed Naruto. It's a miracle that the Hokage hadn't had all of those motherfuckers jacked up to their nose hairs and tormented in agonizingly slow and painful manners, with him personally holding the hot irons.

...oh, shit I forgot. Dork Age Naruto, grimderp and all that stupid shit... :sigh: Carry on...

Perfect Lionheart? Oh, wait, "radiated power," my mistake. Carry on.

Naruto: "The landlord, bitch! You got my money, or am I gonna have to kick your ass out?!"

And what is this shit? "slightly startling Naruto, but he didn't show it."

He's six! Something coming out of nowhere when you're not expecting it is going to startle you, and unless you're Billy Jack badass...

...oh. Nevermind. Dork Age Naruto, inherent badass and all that stupid shit... :no:

You know, another thing that absolutely should not be done are people writing children characters. They have the worst habit of making them sound like adults, no matter what the age of the child is. I'm still recalling some fucked-up crazy-ass story where Naruto made ANBU.

At the age of three.

Motherfuckers can't even spell ANBU at that age, let alone join it; what the fuck was the Hokage smoking? :no:

Queen of all demons?

Oh, motherfucker, you did not just go there... oh, you... you did not just go there in a motherfucking Mack truck...

Oh.. oh.. oh mah gawd...

..huh. I guess Naruto really isn't processing shit like normal people. He's now a furry lover.

Not only that, but odds are, he wants to have sex with you now. Have fun!

...god, someone shoot me.

Naruto: "Sizing you up for the covering of my wooden floors; I never had fox fur before..."

The fact that he's in his own mindscape and cannot show any emotions is more troubling than you realize. It would make for an interesting fic where Naruto has to claw his way back into normalcy... but I get the strong impression that is not what this writer has in mind.

"I got furry fever, she has furry fever/We've got furry fever; we're in love!"

And they were telling her to... jump his bones...

No, wait, that was the doujinshi talking... stupid Erotic Heart Mother... she really had to stop <s>fapping</s> reading that.

For such a serious story, breaking us out of the action or drama with anime/manga gags is just... bad, bad, bad.

Fucking Seal.

Again, some people have no business writing kids. I highly doubt a six year old would even know what an "ego" is, let alone use it in a sentence. Besides, shouldn't Naruto be wondering just what the heck is a "biju," since that's not taught to the kids.

I smell foreshadowing... and it smells of... yiffing...

BRRRRRRRRRR! OUT, OUT DAMN SPOT!

Logic, though that may be, Naruto's way too young to come to a conclusion like that. Hell, twelve-year old Naruto had to have it spelled out to him.

Not following canon is one thing. Not following human development, however, is another ball of wax entirely!

Fist.

Of.

RAGE.

Let's see... "I think I will write grimderp Naruto, make him into an adult in a six-year old body, and then totally fuck canon sideways because, hey! That's what I would do with all my intimate knowledge of the series!"

Newsflash motherfucker -- he's six, he has none of your foreknowledge, and most of all, you couldn't fuck a hole in the ground if it put your dick in it for you.

Motherfucker. Stories like this... argh!

Naruto: "Kit?"

Fox: "Yes..."

Naruto: [anger] "KIT?"

Fox: [blink] "Err..."

Naruto: "Fox, I'm gonna give you three seconds -- exactly three-fucking-seconds -- to wipe that loathesome "affectionate" word out of your lexicon, or I will gouge out your eyes and SKULLFUCK YOU!"

Fox: [sweatdrop] "...does that mean you don't want to cuddle?"

Okay, Naruto can make incredible leaps of logic that would be too complex for his child mind to understand, and yet he shows not a drop of curiosity as to just how did the guy that sealed the fox garner her respect?

:smh: Again, some people have no business writing kids...

Offhand, I'd say you'd look like the Queen of Foxes and Ruler of Demons having a human child cuddling up to you.

Geez, who ever heard of a self-conscious can of evil? "Oh, god! I have [dramatic pause] BED TAIL!"

"I've gone white-boy crazy; he's gone fox-girl hazy/Ain't no thinking maybe, we're in love!"

Oh, what a fucking copout you're handing us with that bullshit explanation. Like a six-year old can really fucking understand such heavy shit like that; hell, you've some people in their forties that can't comprehend such thinking.

Falling asleep.

In your own mindscape.

The last time I did that, I kept waking up in what seemed to be a near endless cycle, which was scary as all fuck. Imagine, thinking you're finally awake, only to realize you're not, and worse, having no idea how the fuck are you going to wake up this time.

Anyway.

O_O

Holy shit, threatening to skullfuck the Fox actually worked! Hooray for small favors!

...I gotta use that shit more often.

[[And because there's a character count limit, which I exceeded by a few thousand, I'm going to cut this in half here and post the other half in another post.]]

goldenarms · Feb 28, 2013

[[Second half of the review to Black Flames Dance in the Wind: Rise of Naruto]]

Incoming Cool, Mature, Badass Naruto? Alert! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

...is it just me, or does the visual for Naruto makes him look even goofier than how people claim his orange "jumpsuit" does?

Oh, what could have been...

And with that one comment, you can pretty much determine just how old the writer is, and just how muh this story is going to tank because his "Cool, Mature, Badas Naruto? is going to be ripping off everything about Sasuke and be the grand spectacular awesomesauce Playa of the Year, while at the same time fucking over the same character for those same qualities that make him an emo-jerk douchebag.

Mind you, I haven't read this story at all. If it wasn't for this MST, I'd have probably hit X because I refuse to read crap.

Naruto: "Just you wait Kyuu-chan; when my balls finally drop, I'm gonna ride you hard like a saddle on a wild horse and hang you up wet! Believe that!"

Fox: "...I'm going to hold you to that."

Now, I want to know why is Iruka being a cocksure prick to Naruto? Hell, as far as I know, he doesn't even have a prick bone in his body.

Fucking bullshit AU excuse...

Oh, god, where to begin...?

First off, I'd have put Naruto's ass out in the hall just for that stunt. That, aside, how long has Iruka been teaching Naruto? And something that just crossed my mind (mostly because I forgot about this detail) just why is Naruto "pretending to look out the window when he's wearing a fucking mask that hides everything but his FACE? He doesn't have to hide shit from anyone by pretending to look elsewhere -- no one can fucking see his face for God's sake! And anyone that can see through his mask -- his literal one -- can just as well see his mouth moving or what the fuck ever he's trying to conceal with his "pretending" bit, so what's the point?

Oh, yeah, gotta show off just how fucking badass Naruto is.

On a lesson that way too damn complicated for Academy students to work out without trained, experienced jonin instructors on hand.

Dork. Age. Naruto.

:sigh:

If Naruto and Sasuke end up on the same team, I'm going to personally gouge out the writer's eyes and skullfuck him with a broomstick.

Oh, hardy, har har.

Fuckhead.

Already, we've stolen all of Sasuke's Emoness, which makes Naruto tragic. Yet, kid who gets his whole family murdered by his older brother, whom he idolized, and is mindraped to relive the events constantly in a twenty-four hour period is a cuntbag? I do not understand your logic.

The FUCK?

No, really, what the FUCK is the motherfucking bullshit?

Considering what unmentionably horrific tragedy Naruto suffered to the point of mindbreak, he's still getting stalked and all kinds of crazy shit, and the MOTHERFUCKING HOKAGE HASN"T DONE A GODDAMN THING TO COLD-STOP THIS SHIT INTO THE GROUND? WHO THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK FUCK THE FUCKETY FUCK FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING HORSE TOO< YOU FUCKING SHITBAG PUS OF A WRITER!

FUCK! I NEED A FUCKING BEER!

I have this image of Naruto reaching up and patting Iruka on the head like a little lost puppy dog. It would be kind of heartwarming if it wasn't so fucking wrong how this story is going.

Oh, god what the motherfuAAHHHHHHH! THIS SHIT MAKES NO GODDMAN SENSE! Iruka's a goddamn ninja, and you claim he'd be KILLED had he intervened? What the fuck does that make you, oh god messiah Naruto of the Tragic Clan of Bullshit Plot Armor? You're being stalked by ninja that supposedly can treat Iruka like a speed bump at worst, and yet you're still alive? This shit makes no damn sense at all! If this was true, your worthless ass would have been dead a long long LONG time ago you fucking worthless piece of shit! DEAD! DEAD~!!

FUCK! I NEED EVERCLEAR!

uts on WET Soundtrack:

"You're dead! Dead to me!/You're dead! Dead to you!/You're dead! Dead to me! I'll always be with you!"

Hah... hah...

God this just... Rrrrrrragh!

=GASP!= HERETIC! RAMEN IS FOOD OF THE GODS!

This AU madness has got to stop! Someone stop this crazy train! I'm being made to read about a Naruto In-Name-Only and it's fucking sucking out my soul!

Next time, try something harder. Like changaa; it's less painful, plus you won't have to see this horror anymore.

Which is his "natural" element, yet he masters Fire first?

:throws hands up: Whatever, let's just get on with this...

Which is more Naruto-wanking at how powerful he's become than his canon version, which includes techniques that don't make sense, being able to turn a blade of wind completely "invisible and silent," as well as stealing Hyuuga techniques, modded to use wind. As a result, I'm just skipping that portion. On to the next travesty!

What the hell, is this? Darkness? An Element? This isn't Final Fantasy!

And if it is, I demand you to have Naruto Summon Ark, just because this story can't get much worse.

Oh, wait, nevermind. You'd find someway to make the ship female and wanting to Cargo Ship with Naruto, I just know it!

Goddamn, I'm getting paranoid...

...say WHAT? Oh mah gawd...

There should be a law against people writing AUs just for the sole principle of ignoring the rules... This may was well be original fiction.

If this turns out to be some Psyren mix, I'd almost hope Naruto has Melchsee's Door; maybe he'll get eaten by it and spare us all the trouble of reading any more of this nonsensical shit.

Not gonna happen, but shit...

I got nothing. I think I raged myself out at the moment. Just nothing about that really makes a shitload of sense.

Okay, while I know this isn't my story, and that a lot of things don't really make a lot of sense in here so far, but wouldn't Naruto being in an emotionless state make Darkness, you know, worthless? If it has nothing to feed on, then what's going to power it? And if Naruto doesn't know how to control Darkness when it's actually trying to go out of control, why bother to train him in it when it wouldn't have the power of a fart?

Sense, this makes none.

Anyw--

=SCREECH=

Wait a second...

Read that motherfucker again.

Darkness is sentient.

Darkness is fucking alive, or at the very least, it has a conscious.

...this had BETTER not turn into Naruto using the ninja version of the Gigaslave.

Motherfucking mountains are going to roll.

....

"Baby, you're driving me insane! Insane! Insa~~~ne! Insa~~~~~~~ne!"

Sing that motherfucker, Arkhams!

God, I need to drink some changaa. This Everclear shit ain't working...

Of course, as I start to read the next section, I realize that this guy's explanation probably makes Shikamaru broke beyond belief, but I'm betting that shit won't be explored at all, or be called some Darkness knockoff mockery or something, so that Naruto gets all the goodies and everyone else can GO FUCK THEMSELVES!

Congratulations Naruto, you are now a Lasombra.

Toldja.

Little motherfucker can't even man up and give other characters their just dues. If the Nara have Darkness manipulation, their shit shoud be at least equal to Naruto's, if not greater, since that's like their whole gig for generations. But noo~~~o, that's too fucking much for that fake fuck Naruto.

:smh:

Marik: "I'll do better than tell you about it... I'll send you there myself!"

Who wants to bet Naruto does exactly this at some point in this story?

:sees not a hand raised:

...chickens...

Dork Age Naruto -- gotta make up nice demons in counter to all those nasty fucking humans that did them wrong.

Though in a way, that's sort of canon... but not like this fucker knew that! Hell, he's probably going all WTF upon reading the latest Naruto chapters.

Geez, how far have I gotten into this thing?

...oh goody, I'm like 55% done!

Well, hell, this is mostly talk talk talk anyway. Maybe nothing truly mindboggling will occur in all this. Let's see... skipping ahead...

URK! That wasn't very far.

....

Let's just say I'm forever grateful Masashi Kishimoto came up with the concept of Naruto and not this fucktard. Can you imagine this guy getting rich off this stuff and just how incredibly pissed everyone would be at him? This makes Stephenie Meyer's works look like absolute platinum.

Anyway.

It says a lot when the most I have to say about how Naruto had this revelation the entire while the Fox didn't know about it, not to mention the complete theft of any tension it might have added to the story, is, "Meh. Par for the course."

"I got furry fever, he has furry fever/We've got furry fever; we're in love!"

Even Naruto had to admit, the erotic imagery the Fox painted onto the blank canvas involving him, her and a can of whipped cream gave his emotionless self a bit of a woody. Of course, everyone else that would happen to chance a glance would wonder just was that naked man doing hanging onto the buttocks of a giant nine tailed fox demon like that.

Demon hand seals.

Why am I not surprised.

Naruto: "Armor of the Foxfire! Tao-chi!"

Oh, even better; Naruto the Demon-Guyver!

So explain to me why are you wasting your time writing about this faux Naruto when you could be writing kickass stories about battle armored ninjas powered by demon blood?

Also, it makes a kickass set of julienne fries; just think about it.

Foreshadowing! Ooooooh...

Could you be any more subtle? I think I accidentally walked into a brick wall of the stuff.

The compression shirt is new to me, but everything else... might as well been Cut 'n Pasted from an innumerable sources of fanfics with similar themes.

Considering that literally everyone that isn't Gato or the Samurai Squad wear open-toed shoes, I'd say the universe voted upon it. besides, if you want an in-universe explanation, it makes gather chakra to your feet a hellalot easier when you have some part of your foot exposed so that the chakra can circulate freely as opposed to trying to force it out through the soles of your shoes and potentially having to replace footwear every time you try to run on water.

Shoes ain't cheap, you know.

Jesus, are you going to fix everything that you don't like about the Narutoverse?

Well, hell, you've already wiped out the Yamanaka clan and shit... guess that Ino bitch had it coming, huh?

The dreaded Footnote Technique! We'll get explained at the end of the chapter! Oh noes!

[[This one is something I just recently noticed in the re-read, but that mask isn't really doing shit-all to protect Naruto's face from goddamn impacts of he can still feel the pressure from the blow. Hell, even in real life, bulletproof vests only disperse the kinetic energy of a shot so that it doesn't penetrate. It will still hurt like a motherfucker, though, and likely leave bruises, but you won't be dead. Of course, I could be wrong, and the mask is super-insulated to deaden force like protective boxing face guards, but somehow, I don't foresee that being the case.]]

...so that mask was just there for show?

FML.

So, now Naruto has an elemental fusion bloodline? Whatever.

I'm not even getting into the asinine logic of being able to use Water techniques from rain produced by your own Technique when it didn't use water at all.

Naruto: "Fuck, woman! what was the point of teaching me this shit, then?"

Fox: "Fox husbandry, what else?"

Yeah, I've got a pretty good idea about some of the stuff that happened to Naruto, just from the opening comments alone, but fuck that; I'm going to make fun of this shit until that shit gets revealed.

Who thought of using Polymerization on Red Eyes Black Dragon with Summoned Skull upon reading that title? I know I did.

Naruto: "Pfft! Fuck that shit; I got Shadow Walking. We can go wherever we want, baby!"

Yeah, that's not going to attract any attention at all... <_<

Naruto: "Again, bitch; what the fuck is the point of teaching me this shit then?"

Fox: "Well, I want some nice arm candy when I'm strolling by the Sea of Gehenna."

Even demons cower in fear of Guy in a pair of Speedos.

And yet he has at least one fan that draws steamy sex scenes with him and her hot author avatar.

Obviously, he's doing something right.

....

Your Freudian slip is showing.

And, while I haven't made great mention of it since the initial commentary, writer really has no idea about writing emotionally dead/repressed people. Sai would be the closest approximation of one. Jokes aren't hitting their marks with guys like these. they just don't have the capability of understanding them.

But apparently research is for pussies.

I already went through this shit once with The True Monster; I am not going to deal with it again.

Motherfucking Naruto should be DEAD. He lives in a village full of assassins and their horrors; you CANNOT fucking expect me to believe that Naruto managed to live to the ripe old age of 12, despite the fact that people have been trying their damnedest to kill his ass every chance they can get with an old grandfatherly leader that's as impotent as he is old unable to do jack shit about it. and you CANNOT handwave it as the Fox healing him; that shit does not fly when you're dealing with people that can cut his ass up into a million pieces and make certain he's never found. The Fox CANNOT heal that much of damage -- hell, it couldn't heal Naruto at all when the heart network had gotten severed.

There's not following canon, and then there's not following common fucking sense.

Motherfucker, you're not following either.

And they're still trying to kill him.

MFML

Shit does not make sense. At least The True Monster did something right and took Naruto out of the village entirely and set him up in a distant world. This shit, though...

And that's enough. I'm fucking tired of this shit already. I hate this story, and I thought I hated True Monster. In comparison, True Monster is the love affair I never had, while this pile of shit can go burn into ashes. I can't believe the shit that comes off this guy's fingertips. Why the fuck can't you just write something simple? No, you gotta go rewrite everything just so you can be a part of the grimderp Dork Age movement that swept the fandom. And this is why we can't have nice things -- because of bullshit deliveries like this.

Arashi? What the fuck!

Assassin unable to assassinate a kid? What the fuck!

Old Man Limp Dick Sarutobi? WHAT THE FUCK MAN!

This shit should have died years ago. And yet, here you are, still supporting it.

What the fuck.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Goddamn you. I'm so pissed I've become transcendent. I just can't give a shit anymore.

Congrats. Now do the honorable thing and go die in a conflagration of cleansing holy fuckfire.

Fucker.

roting_CORPSE · Feb 28, 2013

HA! you've got to do this more, hell if you can record your self and do a full on Critc. or do an audio one like Raine did in his LP's (the fuck happened to that guy anyway?)

I also had that dream of waking up to find out its still a dream. freaky as hell and kinda annoying.

heres to reading more bad story reviews. :mmm:

Spectral · Mar 2, 2013

You're a complete fucking idiot.

This is entirely purpose defeating.

Wish you'd spend that time reading and reviewing GOOD fics, because at least everyone else would get something appreciative out of it.

roting_CORPSE · Mar 2, 2013

Spectral said:

have you ever seen an episode of the Nostalgia Critic or Angry Video Game Nerd?

just curious :huh:

goldenarms · May 22, 2013

Spectral said:

Give me a good fic to review. I'm kind of interested in how I'd approach one.

zeebee1 · May 22, 2013

The Save Button is Your Friend by Transcendent Oddity.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8785327/1/

Living your life once is tough. Living it twice is a nightmare - but hey, at least this time someone turned on the help menu.

goldenarms · May 26, 2013

zeebee1 said:

A "Life as a video game" story...

Well, let's see what we've got here...

We're men; we don't need no stinkin' manuals!

Could be worse; you could be floating in a grey fog with the words of every Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest scrolling past.

"As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting."

You know, the games I play, they tend to ask if you want to continue first, and if you don't, then you get the GAME OVER screen.

Now, see what you've caused the player to do? When you tell him game is over and then ask if he wants to continue, you get this! You made him restart the entire game without giving him a chance to save! Sadistic piece of...

Just what I need, stupid text to pop up whenever I try to do anything new, no matter how experienced I am at it already, a useless map that requires me to go every fucking where to reveal it, and a datalog of useless shit I really couldn't give a fuck about. Yep... someone up must really hate me...

Trust me; you'll be going back to options and turn those things off in about five minutes, unless you get stuck in an unskippable CG sequence.

o/~ I had to fall to lose it all, in the end, it doesn't even matter o/~

Leave town. AWAY from the Fox is usually best.

I took option, "Run away." Am I winning?

"You son of a bitch! I knew you were up to something when you told me to take care of everyone! I bet you even set this up just to get out of doing these forms! Bastard! I should have thought of it first!"

Paperwork... anytime I see a Naruto story bring up how the Hokage loathes paperwork, it's never a good sign about the quality of the fic.

....

174 years old? Naruto was 174 years old when he finally kicked the bucket?

....

I'm worried. I truly am. The thinking process of, say, a 16 year old and a 160 year old are going to be significantly different. The 160 year old will have accumulated so much life experience, it can't even hope to try and fathom what goes on in the world around him if you were going to subject him to reliving his entire life from Day 1, not to mention how would we the readers be able to relate to him, being so ancient and out of phase?

Also, why did we have to go so far back in the first place? Couldn't we have just started at a point where he'd might be able to, say, recall all of these things he knows? Newborns tend to not have a fully developed limbic system at birth, especially the hippocampus, which is important for storing and retrieving all those decades of memories that were just shoved into his brain. Doubly important to bring up, since, as far as I can tell, we're not "playing" as Naruto, but actually living life all over again as Naruto. With Game Rules.

Codex is still going to be fucking worthless. I only look at it just so the game will stop flagging it as something important to look at.

Okay, first chapter done, and I'm not overly impressed with this. Sure it's just beginning, but the only real shocker was that Naruto died at an age we'd normally think of vampires reaching. And if this is a crossover with Rosario+Vampire, I'm going to cave in someone's skull. I finished reading The True Monster and I demand an apology for whoever it was that tricked me into thinking Naruto would actually fucking die in the end.

Anyway, onward with Chapter 2!

goldenarms · May 26, 2013

:mellow:

..........

:mellow:

I did just read that right, right? Naruto poses as an attractive woman in order to steal people's wallets.

That's what just happened here, right?

Why? Why did he just steal some guy's wallet? For the lulz? Was the Konoha he spent 174 years in turn into a kleptocracy? Is this how he'd greet foreign dignitaries?

"Hello, Ambassador Guigui." [shake hands, then holds up a wallet] "I see you got yourself a new billfold. Looks expensive."

[pats back pocket] "Oh--! Oh Lord Hokage, you sly dog, you! You still got the touch! I hope my sons turn out like you!"

And that last line

Ninja does not automatically equal pickpocketers! And even if that was something taught, don't you think it would be at the very least considered bad form to pickpocket people that actually live in the village? I mean, think about it. You go to Ichiraku's shop, get some delicious food, turn around to pay your bill, and "Aw shit! I got pickpocketed! Man, I'm sorry..."

What's Ichiraku supposed to do, go, "Oh, damn, you really gotta watch out around here. This is a village full of ninjas."

It just seems like something Perfect Lionheart would write just to justify stealing all of Sasuke's stuff to hock at the pawn shop.

The more I read this, the less I'm convince this is going to be a good story. I mean, so far, we haven't actually bashed anyone, which is good, great, wonderful, but right off the bat, we're introduced to a former Hokage Naruto that steals people's wallets and decided to turn about a third of Konoha into his own living quarters right under the people's very feet. And he's only six at the time.

I have to ask why. Why does any of this have to be done? Is this really important? Moreover, where the hell is the "game" aspect of the story? I mean, it's called "Save Button Is Your Friend." With a title like that, I have the right to demand that we have some situation where Naruto is going to do something, decides to Save, probably botch it up to hell, and then have to reload for another choice or take a different option.

I'm halfway convinced I'm the one getting pranked here. It doesn't make sense to me why do all this.

Have we forgotten that Naruto is six by this point?

Worse, this game world is playing extremely fast and loose with the rules... that is, if there were any rules to follow. I mean, a few hundred points? Who designed this engine? And my god, why is he going around making thousands of clones when he's probably wasn't even six years old? We don't know why. We don't even know how since he didn't discover the status screen until after he had been running all these clones in some renovations. We don't know how is it possible. Moreover, we don't know how he can run thousands of clones doing complex labor and not suffer an aneurysm when they dispel.

It... it just doesn't make any sense! Seriously, at least Naruto didn't make ANBU at the age of three.

....yet.

Fic is treading very closely to Bad Fic territory with all this talk about replacing ANBU with Naruto.

....

I... I just don't know what to make of this. It's like they want to show off how clever they are in writing a powerful Naruto, but this just breaking my suspension of disbelief. One main problem that I'm seeing is that we're riding with a character that is just too old and self-admittedly bored for the last few decades who was sent back at the restart of his life from birth. It's one thing if Naruto was imprisoned for, say, the last 157 years of his life and forced to watch everything he loved and cherished be mercilessly destroyed in front of his eyes by some cruel demigod he couldn't defeat, then got sent back to his genin days. It'd be another thing if a 13 year old Naruto accidentally got restored to his toddler days, and had to relive his life from scratch. Either situation would work for a story. However, this story is about a Naruto that has had a long, presumably fulfilling life reliving his life because he's bored. What's really interesting about that? See what kind of hilarity and chaos he can cause with his fount of knowledge?

And this runs into another problem -- what's the point? Naruto tricks and steals an unknowing man's wallet, to which we presume he's been doing this for quite a while in order to be able to pickpocket folks without a partner or two. Naruto "owns" and has renovated an abandoned sewer system, turning it into essentially fourteen houses. And Naruto trolls ANBU operatives, plus Sarutobi, and has stolen the Hokage's hat many times before.

I don't get it. I really don't get what supposed to make this funny or somehow better than most of the crap that's out there now. It's a bored, trolling Naruto, doing stuff for the lulz instead of because people hating on him. That we haven't bashed anyone or playing a predestined pairing is only marginally better than 99% of other fics out there, and to be honest, it'd be kind of creepy if this fic did have a Naruto pairing. Seriously, 184 year old in mind boy lusting and after an insecure 10 year old girl?

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vjuac2BgsbU[/video]

Finally, the entire premise is based on the "life as a video game" concept, yet I don't actually see any video game components in play, except only as an offhanded comment, and who knows just how that actually works. And it's a shame because there's so much material going to waste -- things like Naruto looking at his Status Screen and going, "WTF? My title is 'Snot-Nosed Brat'? I'm the hero!" or checking out an enemy's status and shitting bricks that his opponent is level 70 while he's only level 8 at best. Hell, I'd even take Naruto save-scumming as he tries to get a certain item and keeps failing.

Well, that's what I think so far about chapter 2 of this. Let's see if things get better in chapter 3.

Juubi · May 26, 2013

I swear I keep seeing that "Bad Touch" Critic video around here.

goldenarms · May 27, 2013

Juubi said:

I used it earlier on a jonin instructor Naruto groping a genin Sakura's bum.

Anyway, Chapter 3, I really don't want to post it up, as it's basically a filler chapter. Already a filler chapter, and we're just three chapters in. Yeah, one half of the writing team ended up in the hospital for something, which is understandable, but why post a chapter at all, then?

And to be honest, this chapter is just kind of silly, primarily because Naruto is still only six, but ridiculously overpowered. You see, there comes some sort of Academy tournament where the winner gets an A for the entire year. What kind of school does this? Especially given the fact that these are people that barely learned how to say "jutsu," let alone have the ability to actually use anything related to it.

Seriously, I feel that he goes over the career life of the average ninja well enough, but then he doesn't actually say anything about the Academy curriculum, which would be much more important to the story, considering:

Yeah, I'd want to know about how does this tournament fit int the grand scheme of things, especially if it's something that I don't remember ever happening before. I wouldn't be shrugging of something major like that. I'd like to know just what is up with this.

Of course, just from initial impressions, the tournament is only here to give Naruto an excuse to fight.

Just, not the kids here. No... this is his plan:

...who the fuck are you!

This is what he does! He's bored, so he saves his progress so far, and then beats up like ten highly skilled ninja. And when he gets tired of that, he just reloads his last Save, and goes back to whatever he was doing.

This is like reading Chunin Exam Day. I swear to God, it's like that, only with Naruto having some control over the looping.

I don't know you! I don't even want to try and understand you! You, you just go gonzo on these folks, beat them up with techniques that border on godlike, then save scum it away like it never happened! What kind of lunatic are you! Did someone accidentally cross this fanfic with A Clockwork Orange? And what game mechanics lets you do this! I don't know anything abbout it, aside from a vague few hundred free points and Luck being used as a Stat Dump.

Sweet mother of God...

...and now to see what brand of eldritch depravity is in store for me next chapter...

blabla1994 · May 27, 2013

Ah, IIRC, things don't remain quite so easy for Naruto. And it's pretty much entirely his fault that they don't.

goldenarms · May 27, 2013

No, it really didn't make sense. I'm reading a story about a centuries old Naruto that lost his humanity somewhere along the way and is now trapped in a video game version of his life, except I hardly have any video game references involved to maintain that reality.

Oh, hey A video game reference! Yay!

Please, for the love of God, shut your trap, Naruto. You're really making me wish Sasuke was in charge.

I mean, I want to punch him in the face. I'm not supposed to want to punch my main protagonist in the face. But this guy is just so alien and a smug little bastard, I just want something bad to happen to him. Right now!

Man, you actually suck if you got dropped to playing on Easy mode right off the bat. Who's the smarty pants now, motherfucker?

Save-scum your way out of this now, motherfucker...

Yes, you should. Because God don't like ugly.

That depends on what kind of game system we're playing on. If this is based on Disgaea, there, yeah, those skills are fairly reasonable for a Level 1, depending on your Class. If it was Final Fantasy, then we really need to sit down and talk.

Also, given that we now have something of a system to look at, just how in the fuck could Naruto beat up ten highly trained ninja personnel with stats like these? Especially when he's not even a Level 1 character. Did they all have 1s in everything? Were you even planning the previous chapters in relation to this?

Shut up.

Despite what other fanic writers say, you are not entitled to have a harem at the age of six. Especially not given your mental age. Now shut it.

Anything that makes your life more difficult, I'm all for it.

God, I hate this character.

....moving on...

And this doesn't make you even the teensiest, weeniest bit worried things might be going horribly wrong?

This is actually a nice bit of detail into the inner workings of Konoha on the whole. The chakra sampling part is pretty impressive, though, sometimes you can't help reading snark from the authors about things they don't agree on with the original. Which may or may not have a point, but anyway.

And suddenly you're both eaten by a shark. BAD END.

...what.

...you've just been assigned to Jonin Itachi Uchiha. God damn mother fucking JONIN ITACHI Uchiha. And the only thing you're concerned about is your headband?

Where is your brain? None of this is sparking any sort of PANIC PANIC OMGIMINDEEPSHITFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCK? Seriously?

Moreover, these guys are just making up shit as they go along. I mean, all things being relative, Itachi, who was NEVER, ever... e~verevereverevereverEVER! a fucking jonin, is, at best, 13 years old. I'd like to think we're not just throwing any ol' body a teaching certificate just because we feel like it. Being a teacher calls for a little more than just being good at what you do; you have to be able to actually pass that information onto others in a way that they can both comprehend and utilize for themselves. In canon, Itachi's teaching methods was generally through MIND RAPE. Can you imagine him being a teacher?

And Naruto, I don't care how bored you are, please, for the love of God CARE about what's going on. Seriously. You were just told that you're being educated by Itachi, who, in your previous life, wiped out his entire clan, and this sparks NO interest aside from, "WTF is up with my headband!" Of all the things that should be concerning you, you fixate on the lack of a headband.

YOU WERE THE MOTHERFUCKING HOKAGE BEFORE YOU GOT YOUR LIFE RESET! WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT A STUPID HEADBAND ESPECIALLY IN LIGHT OF WHAT'S GOING DOWN NOW!

It's like being upset that there's no more peanut butter when some serial killer butchers your entire family. "Gee, every one I know is lying here dead... MOTHERFUCKER, WHO ATE UP ALL THE GODDAMN PEANUT BUTTER!! I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR ASS UP!!"

Yay... can't wait for the next chapter... see how badly south this is going to go...

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