Akamatsuverse The Wheel Turns......

#1
This is where little snippets of my "Love Hina" fanfic "The Wheel Turns" will be posted. To start off with, here is a taster of the first section of chapter 2.

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina. I'm just borrowing it for a while.

The action starts about 5 minutes after the end of Chapter 1.....


Inside the Hinata Apartments, a full-scale interrogation was taking place in the common room. The subjects under the spot-light, Keitaro Urashima and his British penfriend Donald Johannsen, squirmed fruitlessly against their bonds as they sat tied up on the floor. Looming over them, with expressions of cold fury, were Naru and Motoko, who looked as though they were itching to pummel the two hapless men into a sticky, red goo.

"Nice company you keep here, Keitaro." Donald commented dryly, as he looked up at the glowering pair of girls. "They remind me of my old instructor back when I was a recruit." He began to chuckle, but was cut off by a Katana blade just touching his throat. The look in Motokos' eye made her look very much like Queen Victoria, as in 'We are not amused'. Quietly swallowing, Donald fell silent.

"So, baka, would you care to explain who this is?" Naru asked, with a frighteningly calm voice.

"What is there to say? This is one of Urashimas' hentai friends!" Motoko said, causing Donald to sweat.

"Er, what's a hentai?" he muttered to Keitaro. Keitaro looked at Donald, but then stopped when Motoko began to suggest things to do to the pair of them. Keitaro paniced, and Donald simultaniously paled and went a sickly green colour.

"I say, steady on!" the Englishman protested. "What did I do to deserve this rather rough handling?"

Keitaro shuddered as the girls towered over both of them. "I'm sorry! I was going to tell you yesterday but then Kitsune asked me to get her some more sake and then Su tested her new Mecha-Tama on me when I was coming back..." he began to babble in terror. Donald raised his eyebrow as Keitaro gibbered.

As Donald looked around, seemingly forgotten by Naru and Motoko, he spotted a stately brunette woman around his age enter the common room, with a cigarette drooping from the corner of her mouth.
"What's going on here, Naru?" she asked disinterestedly, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Aunt Haruka! You hav-"*THWACK*

"Just call me 'Haruka', Keitaro." she said to the slightly stunned nephew she had just hit with a newspaper. Donald just boggled at her.

'What sort of a madhouse have I walked into here?' he thought, hardly noticing Haruka release him from his bonds.

"So, Keitaro mentioned that you were coming to visit." she said, helping him up.

"Indeed..." Donald replied, scratching the back of his head. "Although I would have preferred the introductions to have gone a bit smoother."

Donald turned to face Naru and Motoko and bowed, removing his fedora as he did so.
"As you can work out, ladies, I am Keitaro's penfriend Donald Johannsen. I apologise for any inconvenience I have caused by my appearence, but I have only recently arrived in Japan when I encountered your manager up a tree in a local park." he said, in accented Japanese. Keitaro was freed from his bonds as Donald rose from his bow, and hurridly began to explain further, moving around and waving his arms for emphasis.

Suddenly Keitaro froze, and his face paled. As he'd been speaking and moving, his hand had caught on Motokos' kimono. Spotting this, both girls turned red with fury, Haruka said "Oh brother." and Donald dived behind the sofa, shouting "HIT THE DECK!" as he took cover. After several moments of screaming and explosions, Donald looked up from his cover at the huge hole in the ceiling. He couldn't say a word about the unfortunate incident that had just occured, except for one thing.


"Was that a ki strike?"


Feeling something vibrate in his pocket, Donald drew out his pager and took a look. His placid face seemed to harden with resolve, and he marched outside, his mobile phone in his hand. He answered the call, but started walking again off towards the hills behind the Hinata-sou, feeling a slim bulge under his left shoulder with his right hand. Reaching into his jacket, Donald drew out a classic .32 Walther PPK pistol and cocked it on his trouser leg.

"Is it confirmed, Command? If this is a wild goose chase, I'm not going to be happy." he growled.

"Negative, Papa-Mike-zero-seven. We have confirmation of Sierra-Novembers in your area."

"Understood, Command. Commencing recon and running silent. Will call in once area is acertained. Over and out."

Donald snapped his mobile phone shut and pocketed it. Taking note of the now rough terrain, he grabbed a solid tree branch to lean on. Soon, the trees thinned out into a clearing by a rockface. Even someone unattuned to the flow of ki could sense that there was something wrong about this place. Not for the first time, he cursed for not bringing his sword.

The sense of wrongness grew stronger as he spotted a cave entrance that had had thick wooden boards somewhat hap-hazardly nailed over it. Applied onto the boards was a piece of paper that looked very old and weather beaten. There was something written on the paper but time and the elements had left it almost illegible.

"Probably should have the chaps back at HQ take a look at this." Donald said, opening his phone. The number he dialed was for somewhere in the UK, and the Caller ID read HMS Kilburn.

"Command, this is Papa-Mike-zero-seven. I've located the source of the anomalous readings, I'm pxt-ing you the image now, have the high-IQ boys look it over, Stand by."

"Understood, Papa-Mike-zero-seven. Standing by."

Donald nodded, and rotated the phone to take a photograph. Shutting one eye, he sighted the phone as if it were a pistol.
*Click*
Within a few moments, the image was on its' way to Blighty.

"Have you got it, Command?"

"Copy that, Papa-Mike-zero-seven, we got it."

"Good-" Donald suddenly paused as the hair on the back of his neck rose. Someone, or something was watching him. Fearing what he might find, he turned around and saw-

"Myuh!"

A flying turtle. Furthermore, a flying turtle that was waving a friendly hello. Very slowly, Donald raised his phone back to his ear.

"Command, could you answer me this question seriously? Do I sound like I'm either drunk or high?"

"........Negative, Papa-Mike-zero-seven. You sound absolutely normal. Why?"

"Because," Donald said, "There is a turtle in front of me that is flying like a helicopter, and it's waving hello."

Silence from the other end. Feeling very foolish, Donald waved hello back. The turtle seemed to smile happily, and then flew and landed on his shoulder.

"Papa-Mike-zero-seven, this is Command, you're done. Withdraw to your normal position, over."

"Roger Command, over and out." Donald said, ending the call. Putting the phone back in his pocket, and holstering the Walther, he walked away from the rockface, and back to the Hinata-sou.

Unnoticed behind him, on the boarded up cave entrance, a corner of the piece of paper came away from the old planks.
 

TenguPhule

Well-Known Member
#2
Strike 1: No Link to Chapter 1. Throwing this out cold won't get you anywhere.

Strike 2: SI/ANC detected. Flat English Humor not helping either.

Strike 3: No summary or intro to get a sense of what is going on...also see Strike 1. Again, why are we supposed to care about any of this when we can't even tell what's going on?

Strike 4: Cliches. Bad bad bad Cliches. And without any backstory to explain it, they are just plain bad.

Strike 5: While technically not wrong, your lack of any kind of disclaimer is rather rude.
 
#4
The disclaimer and link problem seem to have been rectified (and that, in turn, takes care of problem three). I could care less wether the new guy's an SI or just a simple OC - we'll give him time, see how he does. And I didn't notice any cliches, though that might be because I've been living in a cave for four years.

As for being harsh - better truthful, sound advice rather than mindless fanboyish drabble and bullshit, eh?
 
#5
True, but that sort of harshness, aimed at a first-time writer, stings a lot because us newbies haven't yet developed a thick skin.
 

toraneko

Well-Known Member
#7
Until you have a pretty sizable amount of material in it - i.e. when this chapter is concluded - it's probably best to add any new material to the original post via the Edit button. That helps us in the audience to keep the reading flowing smoothly.

I'm feeling foggy-headed after eating turkey, so I won't be able to review properly for awhile.
 

TenguPhule

Well-Known Member
#9
David Alan Abramczyk said:
True, but that sort of harshness, aimed at a first-time writer, stings a lot because us newbies haven't yet developed a thick skin.
Learn to develop one fast then.

You want coddling, that's FF.net. You want useful advice, you come here.

Basic Pointers:

Read. Read, read, read. Read books, read other stories, read manga. And MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL read your own writing. Reread it again and again, look for things
that look wrong, things that could be changed, look at what you're trying to do.
Always doublecheck your work, if you don't like how it looks, odds are nobody else will either.

Show, not tell. When characters start to lecture and blurt out a vomit of information, it drives readers away. It's much better to let the situation develop and the reader to come to the conclusion gradually then blow it prematurely.

Cliches are not to be used lightly, if you're trying for a spot of humor unrelated to the main thrust of your story DO NOT USE THEM.

Self Inserts/Annoying New Characters: A few people can do these well. Most should never attempt to write them because they tend to suck as one dimensional paper cutouts. Far better to use existing characters in recast roles then to try and add too many cooks to the kitchen.
 

Zenithos

Well-Known Member
#10
Ah, nice to see you actually came. BeyondTheBounds told me to look out for you. He said something about some newbie writer with lots of potential, but lacking knowledge in fanfic writing. As you probably know, I'm sort of BeyondTheBound's co-writer who fills in whenever he's busy....well...kind of. I've been too busy with my own fanfic these days. Haha.

I read your first chapter on FF.net. Yes, it's exactly as BTB said. I guess the reason he took an interest in your work and wrote that really long suggestion was because he saw himself in you....rather, himself back when he first started out on FF.net. Anyway, on to the main stuff, here's what BTB taught me and what I think would help you out with your next couple of chapters:

Well...pretty much, TenguPhule-san, Toraneko-san, and DarkKnightGafgar-san have given you most of the basics.

Sorry, I'm going to start ranting now and sound like a complete know-it-all, but I hope it helps.

Yes, not many readers like seeing self-inserts or OCs who seem to have dropped out of thin air, unless they're somehow related (closely) to the original characters. i.e. the bond's gotta be a lot stronger than mere penfriends. I mean, seriously, even friend OCs get bunked off, how do you think a penfriend would fair? Well, since this Donald character's already there and there isn't much you could change, let's try expand a bit on his background. I remember something about him being in the British military or something (or at least he had some kind of British military training). Now, use that to your advantage. Why did this guy fly 12.000 kilometers all the way to Japan? Just to see Keitaro? What if there is some sort of ulterior motive. Something the British government has an interest in? NOW you've got a story of sorts.

Note: Saw James Bond Casino Royale? Take advantage of the fact that it's particularly hot on the box office list right now and the fact that your OC, Donald, is from the British military. MI6 secret service agent + Hinata Sou = ...well...something bordering on chaos.

Another thing.....I'm really sorry to say this but your plotline, so far, has been done by at least 2 or 3 dozen other fanfic writers who never even get any farther than chapter 2....occasionally chapter 3. It's your basic 'OC comes to Hinata Sou- OC meets Keitaro - OC has friendly reunion with Keitaro - OC gets his ass kicked by the HInata girls - OC stays at Hinata Sou' and so on. It's a plotline that has been so over-exploited that, frankly, people know what to expect....the fanfic writer would either plough on, regardless of lack of reviews, and end up with a jumble of sorts without ever knowing what the readers actually want, OR they give up on chapter 2. BTB sort of started out with the exact same thing....and you could guess the results. I almost ended up along the same lines if BTB hadn't taught me what he knew from experience. My suggestion? Redirect the plotline in a new, fresher direction. Have your OC introduce some new plot device. It can be anything. As I suggested above, it could be something related to Donald's military background. There are plenty of possibilities.

And don't lose heart. If anything, we're here to help you. As DarkknightGafgar said, it's better to be truthful and honest. The truth can be harsh at times, but it's better than blissful ignorance.

Good luck with this first fanfic of yours and as soon as you come back with more material, I'll be sure to come along and comment on it.
 
#11
TenguPhule said:
Read. Read, read, read. Read books, read other stories, read manga. And MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL read your own writing. Reread it again and again, look for things
that look wrong, things that could be changed, look at what you're trying to do.
Always doublecheck your work, if you don't like how it looks, odds are nobody else will either.
Tengu can't stress this enough, especially in regards to reading your own work. Yes you wrote it, but that doesn't mean everything went down the way you THINK it did. Read your work like you would any random fic on FF.net before posting it anywhere, and you'd be surprised what errors you might find. I read through a chapter of Fugitive once and corrected about a dozen errors I'd never noticed where there before. Pay close attention and quickly correct things a critic will most gleefully point out to you later - if you don't want bad responces, don't leave the naysayers any ammunition to use against you.
 
#12
Thanks.

Say, does anyone know anything about demons and that? I was thinking that a demonic force might appear, and that might be connected to Donalds' arrival.
 

TenguPhule

Well-Known Member
#13
David Alan Abramczyk said:
Thanks.

Say, does anyone know anything about demons and that? I was thinking that a demonic force might appear, and that might be connected to Donalds' arrival.
Unless you have a specific genre of Demons in mind, I strongly suggest trying something else.

The Generic Demon Force ? is another one of those cliches that has been overdone to death because of the Aoyama 'Demon Hunting' School.

If you're going supernatural, try research on some Japanese spooks.

Ghosts, Guardian Spirits, Oni (technically demons/devils but more like regular monsters then pure supernatural force), Kappa, cursed items (arguable cliche but still usable if you put some effort into it), Yuki-Onna (Snow Woman), Minor Kami....etc.
 
#14
What kind of demons are you thinking of? Standard Christianic demons of hell? Japanese Shinto entities? Fantasy demons? Daedra? Boy bands?
 
#15
Ah, nice to see you made it here. Well, Zenithos-chan has already laid out what I wanted to say...sort of. I agree with TenguPhule-san and DarkKnightGafgar-san, re-reading your own work is vital. Try leaving it for about an hour or two then come back and read it....I assure you it'll look quite different. You might even pick out a mistake or two. Then you've got to ask yourself, with detached feelings off course, 'would any random person want to read this?'. If your answer is 'no' then it's back to the drawing board.

Also, regarding demons and whatnot, read up on (or watch) Chrono Crusade. It's got some good material on demonology and exorcism. Off course, when it comes to demons, you can do just about anything in LH universe. If you decide to do a demon related fic, then my guess is Motoko and Tsuroko would have a big part in it. OR you could try and steer away from the usual orthodox stuff and have Amala Suu or Nyamo be the central figures in the demon plotline. I mean, seriously, these minor characters never get enough screentime in ANY fanfic.

By the way, since Donald is a member of the military and also since you want to do a demon plotline, why not use F.E.A.R. as a starting point? I think that has a lot of potential. Well, I'll let you figure it out.

Well, I'll be a bit busy for quite a while so I'll leave most of the talking to Zenithos-chan. Good luck.
 
#16
I'm not absolutely certain, but something powerful, malign, and with a connection to water. It's to do with the Royal Navy battlecruiser HMS Hood (you'll understand soon enough).
 

Zenithos

Well-Known Member
#17
Ok, just to extend on BTB's idea about using F.E.A.R. as a starting point...

F.E.A.R. stands for First Encounter Assault Recon, a division of the US army (fictional off course) that deals with paranormal stuff. In the game a powerful little girl (ghost? I don't know yet) possesses this psychic commander who has control over an entire division of psychic commandoes who respond to all his thoughts.

Here's how the HMS Hood could get involved...ok, to be honest, I have no idea whether or not it's still in service or if it's already sunk or something, but you could make it such that the little girl in question possessed the entire ship's crew and the ship somehow dissapeared off the coast of Japan. Donald was sent in to Japan to investigate on behalf of the British paranormal agency or something. Well....something like that I guess. The little girl could be a spiritual projection of one of the Love HIna character's inner spirit, all vengeful and stuff. Shinobu's a nice candidate.

Just a suggestion off course. I've been wanting to write a fanfic related to F.E.A.R. but I'm just too busy...sigh T_T....
 
#18
An excellent idea, marred by only one thing:

HMS Hood was sunk by the German battleship Bismark in 1941, several hundred miles south-west of Iceland.

However, you have given me an idea......

Here's what I got in mind:

Just before Pearl Harbour, an ancient demon posesses a Japanese soldier. Later on, Donalds' grandfather, Warwick Johannsen, is rescued from the sinking battleship HMS Prince of Wales, and is sent to Singapore to recover from his injuries (His leg was crushed by falling wreckage). When the Japanese attack the Alexandra Barracks Hospital, the soldier possessed by the demon kills Warwick by bayoneting him. The demon is later sealed by someone of the Shinmeiryuu, around 1944.

Roll on 55-odd years....

The seals holding the demon are losing their potency. Warwicks' spirit senses this, and to combat it, joins with his grandson, Donald Johannsen, who comes to Japan to finally destroy the demon once and for all. And from there, our story begins.
 
#19
And here I thought everyone'd heard Sink the Bismarck before. Of course the Bismarck was a cooler ship than anything the Allies sortied during WWII (and I'd even put it ahead of the Yamato, for infamy if not size and power).
 
#20
Dark Knight Gafgar said:
Of course the Bismarck was a cooler ship than anything the Allies sortied during WWII .
You'd take the Bismark and the Tirpitz over, say, a USN Missouri-class(sic)? Or the RN Nelson-class?
 

toraneko

Well-Known Member
#21
The USS Lexington is the big legend of the Pacific in my book.
 
#22
If you say so. Personally, I prefer "The Big E" (The original USS Enterprise)

Anyway, what do you think of what I have so far?
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#23
There isn't enought o think of. It would probably be better if you posted a couple of pages if you want anyone to get a feel for your story.
 
#25
David Alan Abramczyk said:
Dark Knight Gafgar said:
Of course the Bismarck was a cooler ship than anything the Allies sortied during WWII .
You'd take the Bismark and the Tirpitz over, say, a USN Missouri-class(sic)? Or the RN Nelson-class?
Coming from someone who's been aboard the USS Texas (a fine ol' ship), yes.

Although I will admit I hadn't heard of the Nelson before. Dreadnought?
 
Top