Vulcans vs. Catgirls

[Scygnus Darkhawk]

This just came to me today. The impeccably logical Vulcans have an ancestral enemy... a race of catgirls! The catgirls despise all forms of logic, so Vulcans are anathema to them. Normally it would be a 'live and let live' attitude, but sometime in the past they were negotiating the mining rights of an asteroid near to both their planets (which are fairly close together for planets) and one of the Vulcans said something that implied one of the catgirls were fat. After that, the war was on.

The Vulcans, with their impeccable logic, assumed they would dominate the war easily with their technology and excellent strategic ability. Then came the first battle, and the Vulcans quite realized that they didn't know how to deal with this. The catgirls' ships and armaments were worse than illogical... they were insane. No sense could be made of their formations, their strategies... the Vulcan fleet barely made it out of the first battle with one cruiser as the catgirls cheered. After that battle, the Vulcans learned to fight individually so that they would not be thrown off so badly again, and the next battle was an even match.

Throughout the years, the Vulcans and catgirls have been fighting off and on. Mostly because the Vulcans are unwilling to attack and no one is sure when the catgirls will launch a strike. Sometimes it's years before the catgirls strike, sometimes only a few days. But things are about to change. The catgirls have a new weapon, a devious and logic-defying weapon that can mow down the Vulcans like so much grass under a lawnmower. It ignores shields and hulls: it cannot be stopped.

For the catgirls have developed... the Catgirl-izer Ray.

A lone Vulcan is making their way back to the homeworld as quickly as possible to bring this news, but the Catgirl General Sanada is hot on his tail, the prototype in her hands while the shipyards on the homeworld are developing and building gigantic production-model rays. If the young Dr. Spock does not warn his people... they are doomed to illogic forever, chasing shiny things and generally acting silly.



~~~

Just came to me earlier today. Crack on so many levels, it is.

 

[Lord Raine]

My first thoughts are that you're on some serious shit.


Second, why do we want the Vulcans to succeed, now?


Third, if it's a race of females, then how do they reproduce?

BTW, I call dibs on any 'volunteer work', as well as any 'slave labor'.

 

[GenocideHeart]

My prediction is that just when the catgirls think they've won, they receive frantic messages from home and then static.

Upon returning they find that their world has been overrun by the Borg.

And there are almost no Vulcans left, which unfortunately is what they'll need to face the Borg, since the Catgirl-izer Ray has already been neutered by their adaptability.

Isn't life a bitch? :lol:

(Yes, I love throwing a monkey wrench in the plans of the guys who are winning. Or girls, in this case. Hope the Catgirls had built a reverse of their ray, otherwise they are in deep, deep guano. Silliness and disorganization don't work against the Borg, because the Borg themselves don't fight in a conventional way.)

 

[Euphemism]

Hm, curious about one thing. Why is it logic and not physics that kills catgirls?

 

[Lord Raine]

Hm, curious about one thing. Why is it logic and not physics that kills catgirls?

I thought it was the other way around.

Logic does not affect Catgirls, as stories cannot work without logic. If logic killed Catgirls, then every fic written that isn't an utter crackfest would be killing them in droves.

I was under the impression that Physics killed Catgirls, because Catgirls and Mecha are somehow connected and considered equal on the Scale of Awesome.

And since every mech series conceived gangrapes the corpses of dead physicists with wild abandon, and since mecha = Catgirls, introducing Physics into a discussion (the antithesis and arch-enemy of mecha) is killing Catgirls by proxy.


Which would actually work better in the contents of this fic. Instead of defying logic, Catgirl technology is defying physics.

The Vulcans watch on in horror and confusion and physics-defying weaponry and machines of war are unleashed upon them.


"But that thing's bipedal, and has no visible power source! There's no way it can be that agile, and move as fast as it i-"

'com cuts'

"W-what was that, commander?"

"I don't know, lieutenant. I don't know."


Guns that shoot bullets but never need to be reloaded?

Kaiju-sized robots that can do back flips, and fly with giant metal wings that could never possibly provide enough lift to carry the body, let alone the enormous amounts of weight and mass that the wings themselves must possess?

Energy weapons that use 'light', but said 'light' terminates instead of going off into infinity, and sculpts itself into exotic shapes such as swords and scythes with no visible means of reflection or refraction?

Armor that covers nothing, but provides better protection than full metal suits and personal deflector shields combined?

The Vulcans won't know what hit them.

 

[David Alan Abramczyk]

Hee hee.... Genius

Is anyone writing this idea up?

 

[Scygnus Darkhawk]

Until I was looking back through my old threads, I had no idea this had gotten any responses... I don't usually pay attention to the TV section, so I gave up on this after a week.

I like the mecha idea, not to mention the idea of them defying the laws of physics.

I do, however, have to debate that the Borg would have a harder time against the Catgirls than the Vulcans. The two working together, however... could quite possibly pwnz the Borg like the Borg have never been pwnzed before.

Of course, to do that, you have to get the Catgirls and the Vulcans to work together... which might be a task in and of itself. That could be much more interesting than the silly idea I had in mind.

 

[FanboyimusPrime]

Yet what makes the Catgirls different from the Caitians, or the Kzinti and M'Dok Empire?

Well ok other then the fact they don't eat people like the Kzinti and M'Dok Empire.

 

[nick012000]

I'll point out the reason that Vulcans go all logical is because they're so emotional that if they hadn't gone and repressed their emotions, they'd have nuked themselves into the Stone Age. They're pacifists, because they're afraid that if they start fighting, they won't be able to stop themselves until it's too late.

 

[Terdwilicker]

You have forgotten that the borg have to touch you to implant their nanites. Catgirl rays have already been proven to work at range. There are already examples running around since the 1990's. Nukunuku. Catgirl cyborg. Bingo. And the ray itself is from Princess Valkyrie. As shown it will zap any random girl and transform her instantly into a catgirl. The borg are outclassed.

 

[Scygnus Darkhawk]

"We have shielded ourselves from your ray, you have no hope. Resistance is Futile."

*ka-zap! off a mirrored surface and into the back of the speaking borg*

"But... but the shields are omnidirectional!" States a random borg, with unusual emotion.

"Omni-what?" Asks the newly minted Catgirl Cyborg before punching the machine's lights out.



lol sleep deprivation.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

So this is what I had to do to get more interest in my Star Trek projects... Include catgirls. I'll note it for future reference, heh.

If you ask me, the inclusion of catgirls in the Federation would be a better scenario overall. The Vulcans wouldn't know what hit them, and nobody dies or is assimilated. The rest of the galaxy just gets to watch the chaos ensue across the entire Federation, mwahahahahahahahaha!

 

[Cornuthaum]

Shouldn't the Vulcans be fighting Catboys?

After all, THEY can divide by zero!

 

[Xon]

Shouldn't the Vulcans be fighting Catboys?

After all, THEY can divide by zero!

Thats ok, Vulcan's live in a universe which utterly no sense anyway.

Dividing by zero has nothing on a "crack in the event horizen of a blackhole"