Alrighty, it's about time I got something out, heh. For those of you who have followed this series, and wanted the long-awaited conclusion, here it is! I apologize for it taking so long, and hope it satisfies (and if doesn't, feel free to leave a scathing hate post!).
The previous chapters of Whipped can be found here.
Anyway, onto the rough draft of....
Nanoha flew faster than she had ever flown before, barely aware of Signum as the Wolkenritter swordswoman flew behind and slightly to the left of her. She wasn't aware of all the details; but what she had been told, made her instantly question her decision to let Fate go off on her own. Unconsciously, her hand clenched on her staff.
[Fate-chan, please be alright...]
The tendril of magical energy, in the form of a whip, came at her in slow motion; but that was due to her own sudden distorted perception of time. Despite the sluggish time passage, she knew deep down that she'd never be able to avoid it. In her active imagination, she saw the attack easily strike her, unable to dodge, as if gravity had moored her firmly to the earthen floor.
"I'm here. I do this because I care about you."
The words suddenly flashed through her mind, clear as day, leaving a distant echo. Where they came from, she didn't know, but she found her left arm moving up of it's own accord. In fascination she watched as the gauntlet on her left hand partially shattered when the whip struck it, which surprised her as much as her enthusiastic adversary. He raised an eyebrow while she stared at the remnants of the protector on her hand, her fingers visible, yet unharmed. And somehow, it was closer now; that thought on the edge of her subconscious. A feeling that, if she just reached out, she could grasp it.
"Decided to put up a little bit of a struggle, eh?" Bedge inquired, licking his lips again. "Good! That always makes the experience better!"
"Pain and punishment, you said?" Fate found her slightly trembling voice asking. For some reason, she had seized upon words he had previously spoken. Why?
He grinned. "Like I said, a goodie little two-shoes Bureau girl like you wouldn't know. But you recognize that you need it now." He snapped a whip once for emphasis, then wound up once more.
*CRACK!*
"Hmm?" Bedge questioned, tugging on his whip.
Fate studied the whip in her left hand, contemplating how she had grabbed it, plucked it even, from the air with almost zero effort. Currently, her auto-barrier was protecting her from the worse of the burn, as the whip had a natural magical pain effect. But some of it still seeped through, and Fate was marveling over the fact that it only made her grip it tighter. But what's more, she discovered had finally seized that important thought, just as she had seized the whip itself.
"You want to change the play?" Bedge asked quizzically, his voice a little unsure.
Fate ignored his question as she stood slowly. "I have to thank you."
Bedge was growing a bit mystified; this confrontation had suddenly taken a turn he didn't quite see coming. "For?" His lips twisted upwards into a grin. "Showing you how delightful the world of pain and punishment can be?"
She smiled and shook her head slightly. "No, not quite. I had more than enough experience in that world. And now..." She trailed off, wondering what is was that she was about to say. Shaking her head again, she went back to her original intent. "You helped me show me the difference. Perhaps I just needed to be reminded of it. But in any event, this fight is over."
Bedge tugged forcefully on the whip Fate was holding, pulling her a bit off-balance while simultaneously lashing out the second magical switch. "It's only over when I say it's over! And that will only happen when I'm done showing you why the pain I give is the best around!"
Fate barely managed to bring up her right hand in time, trapping it and Bardiche inside the coil that wrapped around her neck. Right now, her wrist was the only thing keeping it from strangling her. But he was pulling tighter, threatening to choke her into submission each time he yanked on the whip to bring her closer.
"All those... women," Fate pondered aloud as she turned slowly to face him. Her legs felt like jelly, and her whole body trembled, but somehow she managed to retain enough control. "You didn't care about them, did you?"
The grin disappeared and he tilted his head, while his expression became even more mystified. "I don't understand. What has that got to do with anything? I gave them what they needed."
Despite the pain, and the incredible fatigue that threatened to swallow her whole, Fate somehow managed to hold her ground. "That's what I wanted to thank you for; I finally discovered it. What was missing all those years ago, and now, thanks to a certain someone, I can finally find a difference."
"You're not making sense, but that's okay," Bedge stated, and then the grin returned. "Most of them usually end up incoherent during the process, when they take what good ole Wiggs can give them.â€
"You are... so keen on giving," Fate choked out, the edges of her own lips turning upwards. "But isn't it time.. you received?"
Before he could process what she was saying, Fate channeled all the magic she had left into an electrical surge that traveled down both whips. Thanks to the magical tendrils connecting them, Fate had no need to aim, and thus could focus all of her magic into pure power. Bedge's face locked into a soundless howl as magical voltage raced through his body, which spasmed while Fate grit her teeth and continued to funnel her power into the attack.
When it was over, the whips dissolved and he fell limply to the ground, unconscious. Fate somehow managed to stay upright, using Bardiche like a crutch, and slowly made her way over to him, panting. She paused a moment to catch her breath once she reached his body, ebony spots eating the edges of her vision which threatened to consume her consciousness entirely.
"Wiggs Bedge... you are under arrest," she spat out, managing a bind spell on his arms and legs.
And then there was a sensation of falling, as darkness claimed her completely.
Laughing kids ran by, their jubilant voices barely audible against the general rumble of the crowds around them. Screams occasionally broke through all that ruckus, each time the nearby roller coaster entered a downhill portion. The weather was pleasant like always, and Nanoha caught the scent of various confections and candies drifted on the wind from where she sat on a bench. Marine Garden's atmosphere was delightful, just as festive and friendly as always. Which made the unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach a much greater contrast. She should be happy, and yet...
"Nanoha?" came a familiar voice above the din of background noise. "It is you! Hi!"
The brunette blinked as a jubilant blonde came up to her, dragging a somewhat-reluctant pink-haired individual along. "Shamal? Signum? What are you two doing here?"
"We had a day off, so decided to take it!" Shamal answered easily with a cheerful smile. "I presume you're here for the same reason? Or something else?" There was something in Shamal's voice, but Nanoha couldn't quite figure it out. However, the arrival of another individual forestalled further exploratory forays into that thought.
"Signum!" Fate exclaimed, having just come up as well. "I didn't think you liked amusement parks. What are you doing here?"
"I am not particularly fond of them," Signum confirmed, then nodded her head slightly in her partner's direction. "However, Shamal is... much more so."
The Belkan doctor shrugged. "I love these roller coasters, the faster the better! I can't help it; you could say I'm drawn to them, like a moth to a flame!"
Wheels turned and connections snapped into place, causing Nanoha's to widen into a stare. She glanced back and forth between Shamal and Signum, as things began to shift into focus.
"Are you two here by yourselves?" Shamal continued looking around, seemingly oblivious to Nanoha's abrupt mental change.
"No, we're here with Vivio and Arf, but they are heading to the line for the Speed Demon," Fate explained, naming the most popular park attraction.
"Ooh, I love that one!" Shamal gushed, then began yanking Signum's arm over that way. "Let's go! Maybe we can catch them and board the same car! See you guys later!"
Nanoha and Fate waved, the former still in a bit of a shock, as the other pair moved off. And perhaps Fate noted something on the other woman's face as well.
"Nanoha?" she questioned, sitting down. "Are you alright?"
She finally blinked and tried to smile. "Yes, I'm fine. And thank you." She accepted the large, pink, fluffy object that Fate handed her. "Where's yours?
Fate shook her head. "I didn't feel like it, but I know how much you like cotton candy."
Nanoha raised an eyebrow, but didn't question further. Ever since the incident with Bedge several days ago, Fate had been a bit more secretive than normal; she hadn't talked about what happened in her fight with anyone, let alone her Bureau superiors. Which was naturally making the investigation into this incident more perilous for Fate.
In her mind, Nanoha could still see the scene with horrifying clarity. Arriving in time to see Fate unconscious, her barrier jacket ripped and torn in many places, revealing deep red gashes. Bedge was also being taken into custody, but Teana had revealed that she had found both unconscious, with no clue as to what happened. And it wasn't until the next day that Fate even woke up. With neither Bedge nor Fate talking, there was little chance of finding out exactly what transpired.
Fate leaned back against the bench's back support. "And don't worry, Arf knows to make sure Vivio finishes her own cotton candy before they get on the ride."
Nanoha knew the attraction; it was one of her favorites, too, but she knew Fate wasn't too keen on it. Still, sending the "kids" ahead and coming back to sit here, obviously meant something more was on Fate's mind. Otherwise, she would have contacted Nanoha telepathically to have her join Vivio and Arf. Nanoha contented herself with the sweet confection, waiting for Fate to speak what was on her mind. And eventually, she did.
"I have to confess, I had another motive for inviting you out here today," Fate admitted, looking straight ahead to avoid meeting the other woman's eyes. Nanoha figured as much, as the invitation out of the blue was a bit of a surprise, given what had happened. "I first wanted to thank you for all you've done."
"I really didn't do-"
"And to tell you that I'll be resigning my commission with the Bureau," Fate finished in an even, almost-monotone voice devoid of emotion.
Nanoha stared. "Resigning from the Bureau? Why? You love working as an Enforcer!"
Fate kept her head level, still not meeting Nanoha's eyes, gazing at something only she could see. "I realized how selfish I had been behaving, and how much I put you, Hayate, and Teana through. I won't wait to hear the results of the investigation so as to spare Hayate. The Bureau can't afford to have a rogue agent in their ranks, and if I resign, I'll take all suspicion off Hayate's command decisions."
Nanoha was speechless. First it was the annual Enforcer retest failure, and then the Bedge incident, and now this. Fate had seemingly come through her fight with Bedge with only some physical injuries that were almost healed, and so Nanoha figured it was finally all over. She was still a bit uneasy about her own role in the whole affair, and the way she had let Fate go, but she figured she could deal with that if it meant Fate was finally going to be okay.
But now this... Even though a dozen different arguments were going through her mind, Nanoha found she had difficulty voicing anything.
Fate finally turned to face Nanoha then, showcasing a brave face and a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "And this way, I'll have more time to spend around you and Vivio, as well as Erio and Caro. I know how my work has prevented me from spending the time with them I should have been doing from the start."
If there weren't people around, Nanoha definitely felt she just might have been tempted to hit Fate then, and the impulse surprised her. "What about Teana? What about all those children you wanted to help by being an Enforcer?"
"Teana is about ready to stand on her own, now," Fate answered easily enough. "I'll submit the paperwork in the morning. She can take my place, helping those kids. She'll do fine."
Nanoha searched those eyes that she had learned to read very well over the years; it was quite obvious Fate didn't want to take this action. And ever since they had become friends, Nanoha hadn't known Fate to be the type to give up like this. After Precia, Fate had, more than anything else, wanted to thrust herself into situations to save people, no matter the cost. So why? She wanted to say something, anything, that would get Fate to change her mind.
"It looks like Vivio and Arf have reached the front of the line and want us to watch them," Fate said suddenly, changing the conversation while standing up. She held out her hand and smiled. "Shall we?"
Nanoha absently took it to be pulled to her feet, and despite the fact that she turned her outward attention to her adopted daughter, her insides were still conflicted. She couldn't help but mull over possible solutions, trying to come up with some course of action that would change Fate's decision. She couldn't let her best friend just give up on her dreams now.
And then she saw Shamal and Signum boarding the car behind Vivio and Arf, laughing and carrying on, and her mind began to wonder.
"Oh, hello, Nanoha!" Shamal greeted warmly after cracking the door open slightly to see who it was. "I didn't expect to see you over here today. What brings you by?"
When she fully opened the door to allow Nanoha in, it was then that the brunette noted the white bathrobe and fuzzy bunny slippers the Wolkenritter doctor was wearing. "Have I come at a bad time?"
Shamal chuckled and patted her arm. "Not at all! I'm just relaxing on my day off. Please come in and visit awhile!"
Nanoha hesitated a bit as she was led into the living room of the Yagami household, expecting to see if any of the other members were present, but none were visible. She also wondered how she should broach this topic, because while she had a hunch she was right, it could also just be a coincidence. She needed to talk to a particular person, but that person wasn't online at the forum. Nanoha had debated waiting, but there was no telling when Fate would issue her resignation, and there was also no way of knowing when the investigation would render its verdict. And so, Nanoha decided to take a chance.
Taking a slow breath, she paused just inside the entryway. "Moth to a Flame?"
Shamal paused, and turned back to face Nanoha, the smile ever present, but with a hint of mischievousness there. "Yes? Miss Seikou, was it? I was wondering when you'd stop by, but I confess, I didn't expect it to be today."
"So it was you..." Nanoha breathed, staring at the doctor in a while new light; how long had Shamal been hiding this? A small thought niggled at the edge of her consciousness, regarding the secrets people held and how that would change the opinion of those around them if they were known.
The other woman wiggled her nose while she guided Nanoha to sit on the couch. "And I figured it was you; your description of the situation matched what I was hearing from Hayate about Fate. And when I became Fate's primary doctor, I had access to her files. I can't share what I learned through them due to doctor/patient confidentiality, but I surmise you already know most of it.†She paused and smiled. “Oh, and Signum was also concerned, and kept tabs on the situation."
"Signum did?" Nanoha questioned, surprised.
Shamal nodded, then made a thoughtful face. "She's always been fond of Fate, ever since that first fight. Speaking of which... I think she should be here." She raised her voice a bit. "Signum? Would you come down?"
"But..." Nanoha started to object, but trailed off as the pink-haired Wolkenritter woman came downstairs and appeared in the living room, also wearing a white bathrobe, along with a decidedly nonplussed expression.
"So you are going through with this," Signum stated in a tone that conveyed her resignation toward the subject.
Shamal planted her hands on her hips. "I told you it might come to this, and you agreed that it would be helpful!"
Nanoha was surprised to see the normally stoic swordswoman redden slightly. "Um... if you don't want to-"
"Nonsense," Shamal countered, waving it off, and then smiled warmly at her. "We're doing this to help a couple of people in need." She made a beckoning gesture towards Signum, and the pair sat down on the other couch, opposite Nanoha, a small coffee table between them.
There had been a million questions in her head on the trip over here, but now that Nanoha was finally here, and being confronted with two people in bathrobes - and in a situation that she hadn't even considered ten minutes ago! - she found her voice failing.
"Let me guess, you want to ask about us?" Shamal suggested with a raised eyebrow. "I suppose it might be the best place to begin. For starters, only Hayate, Vita, Zafira, Rein, and Agito know about this, and we'll ask that you keep it a secret to yourself for now."
Nanoha nodded immediately. "Oh, absolutely! But how long, um, have you two..."
"It's hard to tell, actually," Shamal admitted, for once losing the perky image and appearing a bit melancholy instead.
"As you know, our memories from our time in the Book of Darkness were quite fragmented," Signum picked up for her. "From what we can ascertain, this arrangement happened sometime in one of our past incarnations, and we have generally picked it up in some form since then."
"Arrangement?" Shamal questioned unenthusiastically, and then playfully punched her partner in the side. "You can be so unromantic sometimes." She sighed and the melancholic smile returned as she faced Nanoha again. "But Signum is right. We haven't always had good masters. The best we can determine is that, somewhere along the line, we turned to each other for support."
There was something on the edge of Nanoha's memory, and she struggled to bring it up. "Wait... I remember Chrono saying you didn't have emotions prior to Hayate..." She was suddenly aware of how bad that sounded coming out, and abruptly trailed off.
"We kept them under control," Signum answered before Nanoha could apologize. "We were nothing more than killing machines, harvesting linker cores, and there was naught we could do but follow our master's orders.†Despite the swordswoman's attempt at keeping her voice neutral, Nanoha couldn't help but detect an undercurrent of disgust – or was it sadness? - in her tone. “Due to his nature, Zafira could handle it. Shamal and I drew strength from each other, however...†And this is where she temporarily looked away. “I think Vita had it worst, and was why she kept to herself as a loner.†Her eyes came back up to meet Nanoha's. “But that's also why I feel I know what goes through Testarossa's mind."
"What do you mean?" Nanoha asked, finding herself leaning forward.
"I think what Signum means, is that she and Fate are alike in how they dealt with their situations," Shamal clarified. "Fate has never been a very excitable person, keeping her emotions mostly in check, much like Signum does. Calm and collected."
Nanoha had to admit that made sense; Fate had made great strides in coming out of her shell, but she still carried many of the trappings of a quiet girl. Was this the reason? One of the takeaways from the JS incident, Nanoha had learned, was that Jail had managed to enrage her, play with her emotions and put her off balance. If it hadn't of been for Erio and Caro's support...
"The difference is, our personalities were developed and sustained by the book of darkness," Signum took over, answering Nanoha's unspoken question. "We have been this way for at least hundreds of years. Testarossa is still young, and still possesses the capability for change."
"I think, based on what you've told us, that she was keeping her emotions under control, because if she'd lose control of herself if she let them out too much," Shamal theorized. "She saw them as a liability. But now, thanks to Bedge, they are out, and she can't bottle them up so much anymore. Or she's at least afraid she can't."
For some reason , this talk was beginning to make her head spin, but Nanoha tried to keep her focus. "But, then, what does she want? What do I do? We used to be able to talk freely, but now I feel like she's hiding more and more of herself from me. And now she's planning to resign from the Bureau, which was her dream!" Unconsciously, and with inner frustration mounting, her hands balled into fists. “I feel like she's slipping away.â€
While Signum's eyes dropped, Shamal kept hers steady when she replied. "The same reason she is going through with her resignation: Punishment. It's natural for humans to feel guilt, and that guilt is only alleviated when we feel properly punished."
That night in the cabin came back to her, and Nanoha had to forcefully steady her hands. It hadn't been an easy thing for her to do, and only the fact that she was desperate and it was a spur of the moment decision, enabled her to go through with it. Was that what Fate wanted? At least on a subconscious level?
"Keep in mind, this is just my opinion on things," Shamal added hesitantly. "And there is probably more than one way to go about it. Even if Fate resigns now, that doesn't mean she can't sign back up with the Bureau later sometime down the line, once she gets her feelings in order. You can just support her as a friend in the meantime; it's up to you. But..." Her voice trailed off, causing Nanoha to look up.
Signum glanced down at her partner, concern very evident on the normally impassioned mask. “Shamal, are you seriously thinking...?â€
Shamal nodded back at the taller woman, then turned back towards Nanoha and slid a small, nondescript box across the coffee table. “There is also another course of action you can take, and this might help. You can use it if you like, or return it if not. As I said, after some months or years, Fate may be able to return to a semblance of normality, especially if she gets counseling. But I feel no one else will be able to help her, quite like you may be able to.
Nanoha heard, loud and clear, the message between Shamal's words; how far was she willing to go? With some hesitancy, she picked up the box that was slightly bigger than her hand, and opened it, eyes widening when she realized what it was. She promptly closed it again and glanced up at the couple, although Signum was reddening and facing away; even Shamal's cheeks bore a light crimson blush, but she also sported a comforting smile.
“When we formed our new bond, we exchanged items,†the doctor explained, then reached up to lightly touch the earring on her left ear. “Signum gave me these, and I gave her the yellow hair ribbon, which we wore in every incarnation to remind ourselves. I know you had exchanged hair ribbons with Fate before you met us, but if you decide to go this route, then these may help.â€
Nanoha didn't respond, biting her lip and peeking inside the box again, even as the question repeated itself in her mind: How far was she willing to go?
She didn't go straight home. Vivio wouldn't be getting out of school until much later anyway, so there was no reason to head back right away. And if she went home, she knew she'd have to put in that call to Fate, which she wasn't prepared to do. She knew she was hesitating, and she knew why, even if she was having problems coming to grips with it. Unconsciously, her hands went to her coat pockets, her left hand brushing against the box within.
Nanoha leaned forward against the railing and closed her eyes, letting the sea breeze from the ocean below run through her hair and dance through the trees behind her. This little park had been one of her small delights since moving to Mid-Childa, because it reminded her so much of Uminari Seaside Park back on Earth. It was almost like having a piece of her old home with her, to remind her of where she had come from.
Currently, there were few others enjoying the locale; mostly the occasional runner, or a couple out for a walk through the various paths. But Nanoha didn't pay them much heed, opening her eyes to glance out over the swelling waters below, that stretched out to the horizon. On this day, more than any other, the location reminded of her fight with Fate over the Jewel Seeds; she considered it her first and last real fight with the other girl. A battle to put everything behind them, and have a new beginning.
Even though she was new to magic, Yuuno was able to teach her much in those few short months. And thus she was confident in facing Fate. But sitting her now, with what she knew about Fate's upbringing, a small nagging thought in the back of her mind grew louder. A realization that she should have known, but it was if she was seeing it for the first time.
[Fate should have won,] she mused inwardly. [She had much more training than I did.]
Unless Fate wanted to lose, that is. It wasn't a particularly new idea Nanoha had considered. At the time, she could sense Fate's heart wasn't too strongly in the collecting of Jewel Seeds, so Nanoha's Jewel Seed bet was a way for Fate to find a way out; all she had to do was lose. Nanoha wasn't quite sure if Fate had really lost on purpose, but what she had learned in the past several weeks, made her consider it once more.
Maybe Fate didn't want to be stopped, so much as she wanted someone to stop her. She couldn't control herself, or maybe she felt trapped, and thus wanted someone else to do it. Someone to overpower her and keep her in line, to show her another way. In that light, Fate's actions began to make some sort of sense.
But what if she was wrong? What if Fate would return to normal on her own? What if...?
This would be a big step.
“Nanoha?†Fate unsure voice called out as the front door to the darkened Takamachi household closed behind her. The lights were off and the curtain's closed, which was very unusual for this time of day unless no one was home. Fate ventured further inside, wondering if she had been mistaken about Nanoha being home at this time. “Oh, here you are. Why are the lights off?â€
“Leave them off for now,†Nanoha stated in something that almost seemed more command than request. She was barely visible in the chair across the room and shadows hid her face, making Fate unable to read the other woman's mood. It reminded Fate much of another encounter in a darkened room not too long ago, and what happened there...
“Are you okay?†Fate's voice turned a bit softer, more concerned, but notes of hesitancy crept in. “If... if you're upset over my choice, then...â€
Nanoha finally pushed herself to her feet, face still hidden, but with arms across her chest. “I am. You're giving up on your dream and walking away. That's not the Fate-chan that I know! You put everything on the line and faced me once before with determination; are you really going to stop fighting now?â€
“But you and everyone else wanted me to quit!†Fate countered, her voice rising, as she felt her emotional control slipping. “And I can see that now. I was selfishly putting myself ahead of everyone else. I don't deserve to hold the post of Enforcer Agent anymore.â€
Nanoha was silent for a few moments, as if in thought. Or perhaps she was picking her words carefully. Either way, Fate suddenly felt very nervous, her hands on the edge of shaking, and her body telling her to run. Why?
“And right now, you're still doing that,†Nanoha said softly, slowly moving around the couch. “Which tells me you aren't thinking properly. If you're truly sorry for what you've done, then step fully into the room. If not, then you can step back and return to your apartment, and give up on all those children you wanted to help.â€
It was an offer, not a command, this time, and Fate could read between the words. Unconsciously, she gripped the frame of the living entryway tighter, especially when her eyes fell upon the whip-like object in Nanoha's left hand. “More... training?â€
Nanoha said nothing, but let the whip uncoil from her fingertips, revealing Raging Heart 's red jewel upon the hilt. Fate knew that Nanoha was giving her the choice, and that she could walk away right now and end it all. She could do that. Nanoha would understand. Not facing a fear was understandable, and right now, Fate found her legs weak. Or rather, they were in combat themselves, trying to take a step backward, and yet something else held her in place. An image of Bedge appeared in her mind, and although she pushed it away, she realized he wouldn't be the last time such an image threatened her.
She stepped into the room.
Nanoha honestly didn't know what Fate would do; her reactions during this whole episode had been all over the map, and she had run more than once. Yet, when Fate finally took that step forward, Nanoha found herself feeling more nervous and anxious than ever, instead of the relief that she thought she'd feel. Why? This was what she wanted Fate to do, right? Confront her fear?
And then Fate turned around while unbuttoning her shirt and letting fall down to her waist, while pulling her mane of golden hair out of the way and over her shoulder to full expose her back. Despite the darkness, the sight caused Nanoha to inhale sharply. She had seen them on several occasions already, of course, in the bath usually or when changing in the locker rooms; the small scars, almost barely visible now, from when Precia whipped her long ago. They could have been removed with modern magical medical technology, but Fate had chosen to keep most of them. Perhaps they served as a reminder of where she had come from, some small remnant of her mother. Nanoha wasn't really sure on that, but she did know that Fate's action was more of a dare, as if to say, “It's your turn now; can you do really do it?â€
Nanoha found her grip on Raging Heart slipping slightly, due to the sweat she discovered was now present. And her hand shook as she slowly brought the magical whip-form weapon up, worried for a moment that she couldn't go through with it. She had before, but at that time, she was driven to help Fate survive the fight ahead of her. Now, it was for a less mortal of a reason. But there was a growing sense that there was something else there, something small, but that was growing rapidly.
Clenching the handle tightly, Nanoha brought it down. “You've been bad, Fate-chan.â€
The soft cry that escaped Fate's lips was practically a dagger thrust into her own heart. But Nanoha had never shied away from doing the hard things that needed to be done, and she wasn't about to start now.
“You continually stopped us from trying to help you.â€
*Crack!*
“You tried to take this all on yourself.â€
*Crack!*
“And you put yourself in danger; do you know how much I – we – have worried about you?â€
*Crack!*
Nanoha was almost surprised to hear the sniffle between the cries, and a short pause revealed that, yes, that was a small sob that forced itself out from Fate's lips. She had know this would happen – it did at that cabin in what seemed like an eternity ago. Like before, she herself felt each snap on Fate's backside, as if she were hurting herself. It was almost enough to break Nanoha's resolve, to drop the whip and embrace the other girl.
Almost.
Although she wasn't quite sure when it would be time, she felt that, somehow, she'd know. The whip fell again and again, eventually sending Fate to her knees. Along the way, the shirt had been lost to the floor, and Fate merely stopped there, hanging her head and hugging her body, her golden hair hiding her face.
Nanoha felt a strange tingle throughout her body, as if she wasn't really there, and someone else was doing this. She had stepped outside of her comfort zone, unable to fully grasp that she herself was really doing this. And then she heard it.
“I'm sorry.â€
The words were so small, so quiet, that Nanoha almost didn't catch them. And yet, despite the near-absence of their volume, they hit Nanoha like a ton of bricks.
“I'm s-so sorry!†Fate blurted out, sobbing near uncontrollably now, her whole body visibly shaking. “So s-sorry *hic* I'm sorry!â€
The whip fell from her fingers, as she found herself leaning down to embrace the other woman. “Fate-chan...†But she was surprised that, as soon as her fingers touched Fate's bare shoulders, almost surprisingly hot to the touch, the other woman quickly turned and grabbed her, burying her face in Nanoha's chest.
“I'm so sorry, Nanoha!â€
This was the important part, some place in the back of her mind realized, as Nanoha's arms encircled the other woman and held her close. This was the part that Precia never did; the part that showed, more than told: I do this because I love you.
Nanoha continued to gently rub Fate's burning back, as if gently trying to soothe each invisible impact point. “I'm sorry to put you through this, Fate-chan.â€
Face still buried in Nanoha's chest, Fate shook her head. “N-no, it's my fault. I-I...†She hiccuped again, cutting off her words, more tightly grabbing fistfuls of Nanoha's top.
“But I know this hurts you and-â€
Finally Fate's red and tear-stained face came up. “I-I know...â€
Nanoha blinked, staring as Fate finally lifted a finger and wiped the wetness from beneath Nanoha's left eye, which caught Nanoha by surprise. When had her own eyes begun to water? But more than that, was the impact behind that simple action, that reminded her of another place in time...
Something I just learned... when you see a friend crying, you also feel sad.
But there was another aspect to that, that Nanoha had thought she knew already... the desire to not make someone you care about sad in the first place. To replace that despair with hope and love. She looked around for the object, relieved to see the box she had obtained from Shamal on the nearby coffee table still, and within reach. So she grabbed it and opened it, as Fate's glistening, puffy eyes glanced up with curiousness.
“These are a symbol,†Nanoha answered mysteriously to Fate's unspoken question. “I will be your strength. I will be there to keep you safe from now and forever more. When you are lost, when you need direction, and when you need correction, I will provide it. I will be what you need, no matter what it is. I will never let you go, because...†Nanoha found her voice starting to falter, quivering under the emotion and implications of what she was saying. But somehow, she pressed on. “Because... you are more precious to me than anything in the universe.â€
Fate's eyes widened as Nanoha pulled the object out, a pair of pink, silk-covered handcuffs joined by a cloth chain. She opened one of the cuffs and help it up, her eyes revealing that the next step was up to Fate. For a moment, Nanoha was afraid Fate would back away or be repulsed at the idea. She herself was beginning to tremble at the implications of what she was saying, but she was Nanoha: she never backed down from doing what needed to be done.
Fate very visibly swallowed... and then held up her right arm, placing her wrist into the cuff. After a moment meeting Fate's eyes, Nanoha locked the cuff around her, and then held up her own wrist. Fate immediately repeated the gesture, locking the cuff around Nanoha's left wrist. They were now joined by an object that, in any other context might seem silly. But the meaning of what had just happened wasn't lost on either, as evidenced by Fate's next words.
“I belong to you. Everything I am.â€
Nanoha threaded the fingers of her cuffed left hand through the fingers of Fate's cuffed right hand, while pulling Fate against her body in a tight hug. This wasn't quite what she expected, but somehow, it felt natural, and her almost-cracking voice, thick with emotion, activated of it's own accord. But with the full weight of her heart behind it.
“And in return, I belong to you. Everything that I am.â€
In the days and months that followed, things finally seemed to return to some semblance of normal. Fate stayed in the Enforcers and passed her retest, putting her back on active duty. However, the normalcy ended there as the “training sessions†had continued. Yet, even in that, there was a distinct change that took place in the attitudes of both women surrounding it. It no longer felt like something to dread; indeed, it felt like Fate did things on purpose in order to receive Nanoha's punishment. It no longer brought Fate to tears, but instead it developed more into a sort of play, a secret that the two shared that also bound them together. Fate almost seemed eager for it now, as a way to let down her guard and be vulnerable. An emotional intensity that led to physical intimacy, a desire to hold each other close in order to drive the demons of the world away. And Nanoha found the effect just as powerful herself.
It reminded Nanoha of something Shamal said to her later, when Nanoha remarked that it seemed to be over: “What makes you think it's over? Perhaps it is just beginning. You've entered a new world... both of you have.â€
It took Nanoha awhile to really understand that. Just as Shamal had surmised, Fate wanted to be punished; it brought her comfort to know someone cared enough to take control when Fate herself couldn't. That someone could stop her and keep her on the right path. And now, Nanoha was that person, someone Fate could surrender to unconditionally, which made Nanoha all the more determined to live up to those expectations. Fate needed Nanoha's strength
But the change in Fate was evidenced most clearly several weeks later, in the Infinity Library, which also helped Nanoha bring certain thoughts into focus...
Yuuno glanced down as the two women began floating up to him. “Ah, Nanoha, Fate, you're here! I have that data on ancient Belkan training techniques for you, Nanoha. And Fate, I managed to dig up some information on your lost logia case. Just a moment, and I'll grab the volumes to transfer the information to your devices.†He turned and floated up a bit, his emerald green magic circle flaring into existence as his search spells went into effect and pulled several volumes out of the walls.
“Thank you, Yuuno,†Fate told him earnestly. “We're ready. I have Bardiche, and Nanoha has a Raging Heart on.... OW!â€
Yuuno paused and glanced down at Fate, who was rubbing her side, but grinning next to a slightly reddened Nanoha. She noticed him glancing down, and smiled nervously.
“Everything okay?†He asked them, raising an eyebrow.
“We're fine,†Nanoha managed, to which Fate nodded, still grinning.
“Uh huh,†he stated, nonplussed as two books floated down to him and opened themselves automatically. “Well, you two might want to explain something to Vivio. She was in here the other day, sounding worried that her mamas were hurting each other.â€
This time, Fate turned a slight shade of red as well, but was saved from further embarrassment as she received a call, and excused herself while floating away to take it. As Raging Heart registered that the data transfer was complete and Yuuno returned the books to their places, Nanoha floated up a bit closer to him.
Unable to exactly look directly at him, Nanoha asked quietly, “So... how much has Vivio said?â€
Yuuno turned back and gave an amused smile. “Enough. And don't worry, I don't think she's told anyone else yet, and I told her it was okay and to talk to you two. I'm glad that you two seemed to have worked things out.â€
Nanoha let out a breath, feeling a certain sense of relief; she should have seen that coming, and taken steps to talk to Vivio first before it got to this point. The idea of anyone else knowing about this was embarrassing enough.
She gave him a warm smile, bowing her head slightly. “Thank you.†She bit her lip. “Yeah, I think most everything will be okay now...â€
“Are you sure?†he asked carefully again.
She bit her lip again. “It's just that... I'm honestly asking myself why I let Fate go off into danger like that. I mean, I know she does every day since she became a Bureau mage, but that time was especially dangerous and I could have stopped her yet...†She paused and glanced up at him again. “I'm not making sense, am I?â€
Yuuno might not have known what she was talking about, but he seemed to get the gist of it. "There is a saying: 'If you love something, you must let it go. If it never comes back, it was never yours to begin with. If it does come back, cherish it forever.'"
“That does sound nice,†Nanoha wondered aloud, and then happened to catch something else in Yuuno's eye. “It sounds like that means something personal to you as well. Did you...?†She let the thought hang to see if he'd answer, but Yuuno didn't seem like he'd answer. Instead, he just shrugged and pointed.
“Go catch up with Fate,†he told her with a grin that held its own secrets, while simultaneously giving her a gentle push. “She's waiting for you.â€
Nanoha didn't push it, figuring that even though they had a close friendship, there would always be some parts between them that would be held back, and that was okay. She certainly couldn't share everything about her new relationship with Fate; she barely understood it herself! Instead, she just floated down to the exit where Fate was waiting, smiling. Nanoha took Fate's proffered right hand with her left, allowing herself to be pulled from the zero gravity section of the library to the normal gravity of the exit door, but didn't release the hand. Fate didn't seem to be in a hurry to let go, either.
As the two walked off, hand-in-hand, Nanoha realized the importance of the simple action, as though it represented the support connection they'd always share. No matter what happened, they'd always have each other to draw strength from, and to depend on. Far from being the end that Nanoha continuously looked for, this new change in their relationship was, as Shamal had told her, simply a new beginning. A new intimacy, forged from the crumbles of an old foundation into something stronger and deeper. No longer simple friendship, but something more. Something she found herself wanting to explore.
Fate must have somehow sensed Nanoha's thoughts, as she gave a quick squeeze. Nanoha returned it, and the two walked down the hallway that much closer together.
Author's notes:
And this is where I admit that the entire fic was a buildup to that one joke. Weee! Just kiddin'... mostly.
Actually my inspiration was to explore a side of Fate that I hadn't seen any fics address. Abuse victims generally always have baggage and emotional issues to deal with, and while we can probably assume Fate had counseling as a child after the first season, I had never seen it directly addressed. And this being Nanoha (both the show and character), I figured our White Devil was the perfect person for the job. Because, in this situation, the characters dictated their usage in this manner, within the context of what I wanted to address.
From here on out, their relationship has obviously changed, and while I did initially consider a more direct romantic angle, in the end, it didn't feel right in that moment. However, you can presume that is where they are heading in the future. While I did have them kiss in Crisis, I now have come to think that it might have happened a bit too fast. I feel my understanding of the characters has evolved and become better, but that's just me. And I realized that if I wanted to write to that point, this fic would have continued long past the natural conclusion that I feel it came to. I'm generally neutral when it comes to shipping, as I prefer to let each story dictate what happens. I throw in plot elements, and let the characters naturally react to that.
As a final note about S&M, I wanted to show also that it is not so much about about the pain that is inflicted, as it is the feelings behind the relief after. You can test this yourself, by standing in a very hot place, and then standing in front of a cool air conditioner, and reflecting on the relief you feel. Or how food tastes much better when you are really hungry. While I am not into S&M myself, I do have some friends that are, so I have a bit of a more intimate understanding of it. The other aspect is the idea of giving up all control to someone and being taken care of... the degree of trust that it takes, also serves to deepen the bond that two people feel. But if anything like that makes you nervous, then by all means, don't do it!
In the end, I hope you got as much out of reading this, as I did out of writing it. It was an interesting experience for me, if nothing else.
Last note: I will be posting all of my rough draft fics to The Fanfiction forum first from now on. After a day or two here, they will go up on fanfiction.net. So if you want to find them first, look here!
The previous chapters of Whipped can be found here.
Anyway, onto the rough draft of....
Whipped
Part 6: Which Reason Cannot Know
Part 6: Which Reason Cannot Know
Xx~~*~~xX
Nanoha flew faster than she had ever flown before, barely aware of Signum as the Wolkenritter swordswoman flew behind and slightly to the left of her. She wasn't aware of all the details; but what she had been told, made her instantly question her decision to let Fate go off on her own. Unconsciously, her hand clenched on her staff.
[Fate-chan, please be alright...]
x~~*~~x
The tendril of magical energy, in the form of a whip, came at her in slow motion; but that was due to her own sudden distorted perception of time. Despite the sluggish time passage, she knew deep down that she'd never be able to avoid it. In her active imagination, she saw the attack easily strike her, unable to dodge, as if gravity had moored her firmly to the earthen floor.
"I'm here. I do this because I care about you."
The words suddenly flashed through her mind, clear as day, leaving a distant echo. Where they came from, she didn't know, but she found her left arm moving up of it's own accord. In fascination she watched as the gauntlet on her left hand partially shattered when the whip struck it, which surprised her as much as her enthusiastic adversary. He raised an eyebrow while she stared at the remnants of the protector on her hand, her fingers visible, yet unharmed. And somehow, it was closer now; that thought on the edge of her subconscious. A feeling that, if she just reached out, she could grasp it.
"Decided to put up a little bit of a struggle, eh?" Bedge inquired, licking his lips again. "Good! That always makes the experience better!"
"Pain and punishment, you said?" Fate found her slightly trembling voice asking. For some reason, she had seized upon words he had previously spoken. Why?
He grinned. "Like I said, a goodie little two-shoes Bureau girl like you wouldn't know. But you recognize that you need it now." He snapped a whip once for emphasis, then wound up once more.
*CRACK!*
"Hmm?" Bedge questioned, tugging on his whip.
Fate studied the whip in her left hand, contemplating how she had grabbed it, plucked it even, from the air with almost zero effort. Currently, her auto-barrier was protecting her from the worse of the burn, as the whip had a natural magical pain effect. But some of it still seeped through, and Fate was marveling over the fact that it only made her grip it tighter. But what's more, she discovered had finally seized that important thought, just as she had seized the whip itself.
"You want to change the play?" Bedge asked quizzically, his voice a little unsure.
Fate ignored his question as she stood slowly. "I have to thank you."
Bedge was growing a bit mystified; this confrontation had suddenly taken a turn he didn't quite see coming. "For?" His lips twisted upwards into a grin. "Showing you how delightful the world of pain and punishment can be?"
She smiled and shook her head slightly. "No, not quite. I had more than enough experience in that world. And now..." She trailed off, wondering what is was that she was about to say. Shaking her head again, she went back to her original intent. "You helped me show me the difference. Perhaps I just needed to be reminded of it. But in any event, this fight is over."
Bedge tugged forcefully on the whip Fate was holding, pulling her a bit off-balance while simultaneously lashing out the second magical switch. "It's only over when I say it's over! And that will only happen when I'm done showing you why the pain I give is the best around!"
Fate barely managed to bring up her right hand in time, trapping it and Bardiche inside the coil that wrapped around her neck. Right now, her wrist was the only thing keeping it from strangling her. But he was pulling tighter, threatening to choke her into submission each time he yanked on the whip to bring her closer.
"All those... women," Fate pondered aloud as she turned slowly to face him. Her legs felt like jelly, and her whole body trembled, but somehow she managed to retain enough control. "You didn't care about them, did you?"
The grin disappeared and he tilted his head, while his expression became even more mystified. "I don't understand. What has that got to do with anything? I gave them what they needed."
Despite the pain, and the incredible fatigue that threatened to swallow her whole, Fate somehow managed to hold her ground. "That's what I wanted to thank you for; I finally discovered it. What was missing all those years ago, and now, thanks to a certain someone, I can finally find a difference."
"You're not making sense, but that's okay," Bedge stated, and then the grin returned. "Most of them usually end up incoherent during the process, when they take what good ole Wiggs can give them.â€
"You are... so keen on giving," Fate choked out, the edges of her own lips turning upwards. "But isn't it time.. you received?"
Before he could process what she was saying, Fate channeled all the magic she had left into an electrical surge that traveled down both whips. Thanks to the magical tendrils connecting them, Fate had no need to aim, and thus could focus all of her magic into pure power. Bedge's face locked into a soundless howl as magical voltage raced through his body, which spasmed while Fate grit her teeth and continued to funnel her power into the attack.
When it was over, the whips dissolved and he fell limply to the ground, unconscious. Fate somehow managed to stay upright, using Bardiche like a crutch, and slowly made her way over to him, panting. She paused a moment to catch her breath once she reached his body, ebony spots eating the edges of her vision which threatened to consume her consciousness entirely.
"Wiggs Bedge... you are under arrest," she spat out, managing a bind spell on his arms and legs.
And then there was a sensation of falling, as darkness claimed her completely.
x~~*~~x
Laughing kids ran by, their jubilant voices barely audible against the general rumble of the crowds around them. Screams occasionally broke through all that ruckus, each time the nearby roller coaster entered a downhill portion. The weather was pleasant like always, and Nanoha caught the scent of various confections and candies drifted on the wind from where she sat on a bench. Marine Garden's atmosphere was delightful, just as festive and friendly as always. Which made the unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach a much greater contrast. She should be happy, and yet...
"Nanoha?" came a familiar voice above the din of background noise. "It is you! Hi!"
The brunette blinked as a jubilant blonde came up to her, dragging a somewhat-reluctant pink-haired individual along. "Shamal? Signum? What are you two doing here?"
"We had a day off, so decided to take it!" Shamal answered easily with a cheerful smile. "I presume you're here for the same reason? Or something else?" There was something in Shamal's voice, but Nanoha couldn't quite figure it out. However, the arrival of another individual forestalled further exploratory forays into that thought.
"Signum!" Fate exclaimed, having just come up as well. "I didn't think you liked amusement parks. What are you doing here?"
"I am not particularly fond of them," Signum confirmed, then nodded her head slightly in her partner's direction. "However, Shamal is... much more so."
The Belkan doctor shrugged. "I love these roller coasters, the faster the better! I can't help it; you could say I'm drawn to them, like a moth to a flame!"
Wheels turned and connections snapped into place, causing Nanoha's to widen into a stare. She glanced back and forth between Shamal and Signum, as things began to shift into focus.
"Are you two here by yourselves?" Shamal continued looking around, seemingly oblivious to Nanoha's abrupt mental change.
"No, we're here with Vivio and Arf, but they are heading to the line for the Speed Demon," Fate explained, naming the most popular park attraction.
"Ooh, I love that one!" Shamal gushed, then began yanking Signum's arm over that way. "Let's go! Maybe we can catch them and board the same car! See you guys later!"
Nanoha and Fate waved, the former still in a bit of a shock, as the other pair moved off. And perhaps Fate noted something on the other woman's face as well.
"Nanoha?" she questioned, sitting down. "Are you alright?"
She finally blinked and tried to smile. "Yes, I'm fine. And thank you." She accepted the large, pink, fluffy object that Fate handed her. "Where's yours?
Fate shook her head. "I didn't feel like it, but I know how much you like cotton candy."
Nanoha raised an eyebrow, but didn't question further. Ever since the incident with Bedge several days ago, Fate had been a bit more secretive than normal; she hadn't talked about what happened in her fight with anyone, let alone her Bureau superiors. Which was naturally making the investigation into this incident more perilous for Fate.
In her mind, Nanoha could still see the scene with horrifying clarity. Arriving in time to see Fate unconscious, her barrier jacket ripped and torn in many places, revealing deep red gashes. Bedge was also being taken into custody, but Teana had revealed that she had found both unconscious, with no clue as to what happened. And it wasn't until the next day that Fate even woke up. With neither Bedge nor Fate talking, there was little chance of finding out exactly what transpired.
Fate leaned back against the bench's back support. "And don't worry, Arf knows to make sure Vivio finishes her own cotton candy before they get on the ride."
Nanoha knew the attraction; it was one of her favorites, too, but she knew Fate wasn't too keen on it. Still, sending the "kids" ahead and coming back to sit here, obviously meant something more was on Fate's mind. Otherwise, she would have contacted Nanoha telepathically to have her join Vivio and Arf. Nanoha contented herself with the sweet confection, waiting for Fate to speak what was on her mind. And eventually, she did.
"I have to confess, I had another motive for inviting you out here today," Fate admitted, looking straight ahead to avoid meeting the other woman's eyes. Nanoha figured as much, as the invitation out of the blue was a bit of a surprise, given what had happened. "I first wanted to thank you for all you've done."
"I really didn't do-"
"And to tell you that I'll be resigning my commission with the Bureau," Fate finished in an even, almost-monotone voice devoid of emotion.
Nanoha stared. "Resigning from the Bureau? Why? You love working as an Enforcer!"
Fate kept her head level, still not meeting Nanoha's eyes, gazing at something only she could see. "I realized how selfish I had been behaving, and how much I put you, Hayate, and Teana through. I won't wait to hear the results of the investigation so as to spare Hayate. The Bureau can't afford to have a rogue agent in their ranks, and if I resign, I'll take all suspicion off Hayate's command decisions."
Nanoha was speechless. First it was the annual Enforcer retest failure, and then the Bedge incident, and now this. Fate had seemingly come through her fight with Bedge with only some physical injuries that were almost healed, and so Nanoha figured it was finally all over. She was still a bit uneasy about her own role in the whole affair, and the way she had let Fate go, but she figured she could deal with that if it meant Fate was finally going to be okay.
But now this... Even though a dozen different arguments were going through her mind, Nanoha found she had difficulty voicing anything.
Fate finally turned to face Nanoha then, showcasing a brave face and a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "And this way, I'll have more time to spend around you and Vivio, as well as Erio and Caro. I know how my work has prevented me from spending the time with them I should have been doing from the start."
If there weren't people around, Nanoha definitely felt she just might have been tempted to hit Fate then, and the impulse surprised her. "What about Teana? What about all those children you wanted to help by being an Enforcer?"
"Teana is about ready to stand on her own, now," Fate answered easily enough. "I'll submit the paperwork in the morning. She can take my place, helping those kids. She'll do fine."
Nanoha searched those eyes that she had learned to read very well over the years; it was quite obvious Fate didn't want to take this action. And ever since they had become friends, Nanoha hadn't known Fate to be the type to give up like this. After Precia, Fate had, more than anything else, wanted to thrust herself into situations to save people, no matter the cost. So why? She wanted to say something, anything, that would get Fate to change her mind.
"It looks like Vivio and Arf have reached the front of the line and want us to watch them," Fate said suddenly, changing the conversation while standing up. She held out her hand and smiled. "Shall we?"
Nanoha absently took it to be pulled to her feet, and despite the fact that she turned her outward attention to her adopted daughter, her insides were still conflicted. She couldn't help but mull over possible solutions, trying to come up with some course of action that would change Fate's decision. She couldn't let her best friend just give up on her dreams now.
And then she saw Shamal and Signum boarding the car behind Vivio and Arf, laughing and carrying on, and her mind began to wonder.
x~~*~~x
"Oh, hello, Nanoha!" Shamal greeted warmly after cracking the door open slightly to see who it was. "I didn't expect to see you over here today. What brings you by?"
When she fully opened the door to allow Nanoha in, it was then that the brunette noted the white bathrobe and fuzzy bunny slippers the Wolkenritter doctor was wearing. "Have I come at a bad time?"
Shamal chuckled and patted her arm. "Not at all! I'm just relaxing on my day off. Please come in and visit awhile!"
Nanoha hesitated a bit as she was led into the living room of the Yagami household, expecting to see if any of the other members were present, but none were visible. She also wondered how she should broach this topic, because while she had a hunch she was right, it could also just be a coincidence. She needed to talk to a particular person, but that person wasn't online at the forum. Nanoha had debated waiting, but there was no telling when Fate would issue her resignation, and there was also no way of knowing when the investigation would render its verdict. And so, Nanoha decided to take a chance.
Taking a slow breath, she paused just inside the entryway. "Moth to a Flame?"
Shamal paused, and turned back to face Nanoha, the smile ever present, but with a hint of mischievousness there. "Yes? Miss Seikou, was it? I was wondering when you'd stop by, but I confess, I didn't expect it to be today."
"So it was you..." Nanoha breathed, staring at the doctor in a while new light; how long had Shamal been hiding this? A small thought niggled at the edge of her consciousness, regarding the secrets people held and how that would change the opinion of those around them if they were known.
The other woman wiggled her nose while she guided Nanoha to sit on the couch. "And I figured it was you; your description of the situation matched what I was hearing from Hayate about Fate. And when I became Fate's primary doctor, I had access to her files. I can't share what I learned through them due to doctor/patient confidentiality, but I surmise you already know most of it.†She paused and smiled. “Oh, and Signum was also concerned, and kept tabs on the situation."
"Signum did?" Nanoha questioned, surprised.
Shamal nodded, then made a thoughtful face. "She's always been fond of Fate, ever since that first fight. Speaking of which... I think she should be here." She raised her voice a bit. "Signum? Would you come down?"
"But..." Nanoha started to object, but trailed off as the pink-haired Wolkenritter woman came downstairs and appeared in the living room, also wearing a white bathrobe, along with a decidedly nonplussed expression.
"So you are going through with this," Signum stated in a tone that conveyed her resignation toward the subject.
Shamal planted her hands on her hips. "I told you it might come to this, and you agreed that it would be helpful!"
Nanoha was surprised to see the normally stoic swordswoman redden slightly. "Um... if you don't want to-"
"Nonsense," Shamal countered, waving it off, and then smiled warmly at her. "We're doing this to help a couple of people in need." She made a beckoning gesture towards Signum, and the pair sat down on the other couch, opposite Nanoha, a small coffee table between them.
There had been a million questions in her head on the trip over here, but now that Nanoha was finally here, and being confronted with two people in bathrobes - and in a situation that she hadn't even considered ten minutes ago! - she found her voice failing.
"Let me guess, you want to ask about us?" Shamal suggested with a raised eyebrow. "I suppose it might be the best place to begin. For starters, only Hayate, Vita, Zafira, Rein, and Agito know about this, and we'll ask that you keep it a secret to yourself for now."
Nanoha nodded immediately. "Oh, absolutely! But how long, um, have you two..."
"It's hard to tell, actually," Shamal admitted, for once losing the perky image and appearing a bit melancholy instead.
"As you know, our memories from our time in the Book of Darkness were quite fragmented," Signum picked up for her. "From what we can ascertain, this arrangement happened sometime in one of our past incarnations, and we have generally picked it up in some form since then."
"Arrangement?" Shamal questioned unenthusiastically, and then playfully punched her partner in the side. "You can be so unromantic sometimes." She sighed and the melancholic smile returned as she faced Nanoha again. "But Signum is right. We haven't always had good masters. The best we can determine is that, somewhere along the line, we turned to each other for support."
There was something on the edge of Nanoha's memory, and she struggled to bring it up. "Wait... I remember Chrono saying you didn't have emotions prior to Hayate..." She was suddenly aware of how bad that sounded coming out, and abruptly trailed off.
"We kept them under control," Signum answered before Nanoha could apologize. "We were nothing more than killing machines, harvesting linker cores, and there was naught we could do but follow our master's orders.†Despite the swordswoman's attempt at keeping her voice neutral, Nanoha couldn't help but detect an undercurrent of disgust – or was it sadness? - in her tone. “Due to his nature, Zafira could handle it. Shamal and I drew strength from each other, however...†And this is where she temporarily looked away. “I think Vita had it worst, and was why she kept to herself as a loner.†Her eyes came back up to meet Nanoha's. “But that's also why I feel I know what goes through Testarossa's mind."
"What do you mean?" Nanoha asked, finding herself leaning forward.
"I think what Signum means, is that she and Fate are alike in how they dealt with their situations," Shamal clarified. "Fate has never been a very excitable person, keeping her emotions mostly in check, much like Signum does. Calm and collected."
Nanoha had to admit that made sense; Fate had made great strides in coming out of her shell, but she still carried many of the trappings of a quiet girl. Was this the reason? One of the takeaways from the JS incident, Nanoha had learned, was that Jail had managed to enrage her, play with her emotions and put her off balance. If it hadn't of been for Erio and Caro's support...
"The difference is, our personalities were developed and sustained by the book of darkness," Signum took over, answering Nanoha's unspoken question. "We have been this way for at least hundreds of years. Testarossa is still young, and still possesses the capability for change."
"I think, based on what you've told us, that she was keeping her emotions under control, because if she'd lose control of herself if she let them out too much," Shamal theorized. "She saw them as a liability. But now, thanks to Bedge, they are out, and she can't bottle them up so much anymore. Or she's at least afraid she can't."
For some reason , this talk was beginning to make her head spin, but Nanoha tried to keep her focus. "But, then, what does she want? What do I do? We used to be able to talk freely, but now I feel like she's hiding more and more of herself from me. And now she's planning to resign from the Bureau, which was her dream!" Unconsciously, and with inner frustration mounting, her hands balled into fists. “I feel like she's slipping away.â€
While Signum's eyes dropped, Shamal kept hers steady when she replied. "The same reason she is going through with her resignation: Punishment. It's natural for humans to feel guilt, and that guilt is only alleviated when we feel properly punished."
That night in the cabin came back to her, and Nanoha had to forcefully steady her hands. It hadn't been an easy thing for her to do, and only the fact that she was desperate and it was a spur of the moment decision, enabled her to go through with it. Was that what Fate wanted? At least on a subconscious level?
"Keep in mind, this is just my opinion on things," Shamal added hesitantly. "And there is probably more than one way to go about it. Even if Fate resigns now, that doesn't mean she can't sign back up with the Bureau later sometime down the line, once she gets her feelings in order. You can just support her as a friend in the meantime; it's up to you. But..." Her voice trailed off, causing Nanoha to look up.
Signum glanced down at her partner, concern very evident on the normally impassioned mask. “Shamal, are you seriously thinking...?â€
Shamal nodded back at the taller woman, then turned back towards Nanoha and slid a small, nondescript box across the coffee table. “There is also another course of action you can take, and this might help. You can use it if you like, or return it if not. As I said, after some months or years, Fate may be able to return to a semblance of normality, especially if she gets counseling. But I feel no one else will be able to help her, quite like you may be able to.
Nanoha heard, loud and clear, the message between Shamal's words; how far was she willing to go? With some hesitancy, she picked up the box that was slightly bigger than her hand, and opened it, eyes widening when she realized what it was. She promptly closed it again and glanced up at the couple, although Signum was reddening and facing away; even Shamal's cheeks bore a light crimson blush, but she also sported a comforting smile.
“When we formed our new bond, we exchanged items,†the doctor explained, then reached up to lightly touch the earring on her left ear. “Signum gave me these, and I gave her the yellow hair ribbon, which we wore in every incarnation to remind ourselves. I know you had exchanged hair ribbons with Fate before you met us, but if you decide to go this route, then these may help.â€
Nanoha didn't respond, biting her lip and peeking inside the box again, even as the question repeated itself in her mind: How far was she willing to go?
x~~*~~x
She didn't go straight home. Vivio wouldn't be getting out of school until much later anyway, so there was no reason to head back right away. And if she went home, she knew she'd have to put in that call to Fate, which she wasn't prepared to do. She knew she was hesitating, and she knew why, even if she was having problems coming to grips with it. Unconsciously, her hands went to her coat pockets, her left hand brushing against the box within.
Nanoha leaned forward against the railing and closed her eyes, letting the sea breeze from the ocean below run through her hair and dance through the trees behind her. This little park had been one of her small delights since moving to Mid-Childa, because it reminded her so much of Uminari Seaside Park back on Earth. It was almost like having a piece of her old home with her, to remind her of where she had come from.
Currently, there were few others enjoying the locale; mostly the occasional runner, or a couple out for a walk through the various paths. But Nanoha didn't pay them much heed, opening her eyes to glance out over the swelling waters below, that stretched out to the horizon. On this day, more than any other, the location reminded of her fight with Fate over the Jewel Seeds; she considered it her first and last real fight with the other girl. A battle to put everything behind them, and have a new beginning.
Even though she was new to magic, Yuuno was able to teach her much in those few short months. And thus she was confident in facing Fate. But sitting her now, with what she knew about Fate's upbringing, a small nagging thought in the back of her mind grew louder. A realization that she should have known, but it was if she was seeing it for the first time.
[Fate should have won,] she mused inwardly. [She had much more training than I did.]
Unless Fate wanted to lose, that is. It wasn't a particularly new idea Nanoha had considered. At the time, she could sense Fate's heart wasn't too strongly in the collecting of Jewel Seeds, so Nanoha's Jewel Seed bet was a way for Fate to find a way out; all she had to do was lose. Nanoha wasn't quite sure if Fate had really lost on purpose, but what she had learned in the past several weeks, made her consider it once more.
Maybe Fate didn't want to be stopped, so much as she wanted someone to stop her. She couldn't control herself, or maybe she felt trapped, and thus wanted someone else to do it. Someone to overpower her and keep her in line, to show her another way. In that light, Fate's actions began to make some sort of sense.
But what if she was wrong? What if Fate would return to normal on her own? What if...?
This would be a big step.
x~~*~~x
“Nanoha?†Fate unsure voice called out as the front door to the darkened Takamachi household closed behind her. The lights were off and the curtain's closed, which was very unusual for this time of day unless no one was home. Fate ventured further inside, wondering if she had been mistaken about Nanoha being home at this time. “Oh, here you are. Why are the lights off?â€
“Leave them off for now,†Nanoha stated in something that almost seemed more command than request. She was barely visible in the chair across the room and shadows hid her face, making Fate unable to read the other woman's mood. It reminded Fate much of another encounter in a darkened room not too long ago, and what happened there...
“Are you okay?†Fate's voice turned a bit softer, more concerned, but notes of hesitancy crept in. “If... if you're upset over my choice, then...â€
Nanoha finally pushed herself to her feet, face still hidden, but with arms across her chest. “I am. You're giving up on your dream and walking away. That's not the Fate-chan that I know! You put everything on the line and faced me once before with determination; are you really going to stop fighting now?â€
“But you and everyone else wanted me to quit!†Fate countered, her voice rising, as she felt her emotional control slipping. “And I can see that now. I was selfishly putting myself ahead of everyone else. I don't deserve to hold the post of Enforcer Agent anymore.â€
Nanoha was silent for a few moments, as if in thought. Or perhaps she was picking her words carefully. Either way, Fate suddenly felt very nervous, her hands on the edge of shaking, and her body telling her to run. Why?
“And right now, you're still doing that,†Nanoha said softly, slowly moving around the couch. “Which tells me you aren't thinking properly. If you're truly sorry for what you've done, then step fully into the room. If not, then you can step back and return to your apartment, and give up on all those children you wanted to help.â€
It was an offer, not a command, this time, and Fate could read between the words. Unconsciously, she gripped the frame of the living entryway tighter, especially when her eyes fell upon the whip-like object in Nanoha's left hand. “More... training?â€
Nanoha said nothing, but let the whip uncoil from her fingertips, revealing Raging Heart 's red jewel upon the hilt. Fate knew that Nanoha was giving her the choice, and that she could walk away right now and end it all. She could do that. Nanoha would understand. Not facing a fear was understandable, and right now, Fate found her legs weak. Or rather, they were in combat themselves, trying to take a step backward, and yet something else held her in place. An image of Bedge appeared in her mind, and although she pushed it away, she realized he wouldn't be the last time such an image threatened her.
She stepped into the room.
x~~*~~x
Nanoha honestly didn't know what Fate would do; her reactions during this whole episode had been all over the map, and she had run more than once. Yet, when Fate finally took that step forward, Nanoha found herself feeling more nervous and anxious than ever, instead of the relief that she thought she'd feel. Why? This was what she wanted Fate to do, right? Confront her fear?
And then Fate turned around while unbuttoning her shirt and letting fall down to her waist, while pulling her mane of golden hair out of the way and over her shoulder to full expose her back. Despite the darkness, the sight caused Nanoha to inhale sharply. She had seen them on several occasions already, of course, in the bath usually or when changing in the locker rooms; the small scars, almost barely visible now, from when Precia whipped her long ago. They could have been removed with modern magical medical technology, but Fate had chosen to keep most of them. Perhaps they served as a reminder of where she had come from, some small remnant of her mother. Nanoha wasn't really sure on that, but she did know that Fate's action was more of a dare, as if to say, “It's your turn now; can you do really do it?â€
Nanoha found her grip on Raging Heart slipping slightly, due to the sweat she discovered was now present. And her hand shook as she slowly brought the magical whip-form weapon up, worried for a moment that she couldn't go through with it. She had before, but at that time, she was driven to help Fate survive the fight ahead of her. Now, it was for a less mortal of a reason. But there was a growing sense that there was something else there, something small, but that was growing rapidly.
Clenching the handle tightly, Nanoha brought it down. “You've been bad, Fate-chan.â€
The soft cry that escaped Fate's lips was practically a dagger thrust into her own heart. But Nanoha had never shied away from doing the hard things that needed to be done, and she wasn't about to start now.
“You continually stopped us from trying to help you.â€
*Crack!*
“You tried to take this all on yourself.â€
*Crack!*
“And you put yourself in danger; do you know how much I – we – have worried about you?â€
*Crack!*
Nanoha was almost surprised to hear the sniffle between the cries, and a short pause revealed that, yes, that was a small sob that forced itself out from Fate's lips. She had know this would happen – it did at that cabin in what seemed like an eternity ago. Like before, she herself felt each snap on Fate's backside, as if she were hurting herself. It was almost enough to break Nanoha's resolve, to drop the whip and embrace the other girl.
Almost.
Although she wasn't quite sure when it would be time, she felt that, somehow, she'd know. The whip fell again and again, eventually sending Fate to her knees. Along the way, the shirt had been lost to the floor, and Fate merely stopped there, hanging her head and hugging her body, her golden hair hiding her face.
Nanoha felt a strange tingle throughout her body, as if she wasn't really there, and someone else was doing this. She had stepped outside of her comfort zone, unable to fully grasp that she herself was really doing this. And then she heard it.
“I'm sorry.â€
The words were so small, so quiet, that Nanoha almost didn't catch them. And yet, despite the near-absence of their volume, they hit Nanoha like a ton of bricks.
“I'm s-so sorry!†Fate blurted out, sobbing near uncontrollably now, her whole body visibly shaking. “So s-sorry *hic* I'm sorry!â€
The whip fell from her fingers, as she found herself leaning down to embrace the other woman. “Fate-chan...†But she was surprised that, as soon as her fingers touched Fate's bare shoulders, almost surprisingly hot to the touch, the other woman quickly turned and grabbed her, burying her face in Nanoha's chest.
“I'm so sorry, Nanoha!â€
This was the important part, some place in the back of her mind realized, as Nanoha's arms encircled the other woman and held her close. This was the part that Precia never did; the part that showed, more than told: I do this because I love you.
Nanoha continued to gently rub Fate's burning back, as if gently trying to soothe each invisible impact point. “I'm sorry to put you through this, Fate-chan.â€
Face still buried in Nanoha's chest, Fate shook her head. “N-no, it's my fault. I-I...†She hiccuped again, cutting off her words, more tightly grabbing fistfuls of Nanoha's top.
“But I know this hurts you and-â€
Finally Fate's red and tear-stained face came up. “I-I know...â€
Nanoha blinked, staring as Fate finally lifted a finger and wiped the wetness from beneath Nanoha's left eye, which caught Nanoha by surprise. When had her own eyes begun to water? But more than that, was the impact behind that simple action, that reminded her of another place in time...
Something I just learned... when you see a friend crying, you also feel sad.
But there was another aspect to that, that Nanoha had thought she knew already... the desire to not make someone you care about sad in the first place. To replace that despair with hope and love. She looked around for the object, relieved to see the box she had obtained from Shamal on the nearby coffee table still, and within reach. So she grabbed it and opened it, as Fate's glistening, puffy eyes glanced up with curiousness.
“These are a symbol,†Nanoha answered mysteriously to Fate's unspoken question. “I will be your strength. I will be there to keep you safe from now and forever more. When you are lost, when you need direction, and when you need correction, I will provide it. I will be what you need, no matter what it is. I will never let you go, because...†Nanoha found her voice starting to falter, quivering under the emotion and implications of what she was saying. But somehow, she pressed on. “Because... you are more precious to me than anything in the universe.â€
Fate's eyes widened as Nanoha pulled the object out, a pair of pink, silk-covered handcuffs joined by a cloth chain. She opened one of the cuffs and help it up, her eyes revealing that the next step was up to Fate. For a moment, Nanoha was afraid Fate would back away or be repulsed at the idea. She herself was beginning to tremble at the implications of what she was saying, but she was Nanoha: she never backed down from doing what needed to be done.
Fate very visibly swallowed... and then held up her right arm, placing her wrist into the cuff. After a moment meeting Fate's eyes, Nanoha locked the cuff around her, and then held up her own wrist. Fate immediately repeated the gesture, locking the cuff around Nanoha's left wrist. They were now joined by an object that, in any other context might seem silly. But the meaning of what had just happened wasn't lost on either, as evidenced by Fate's next words.
“I belong to you. Everything I am.â€
Nanoha threaded the fingers of her cuffed left hand through the fingers of Fate's cuffed right hand, while pulling Fate against her body in a tight hug. This wasn't quite what she expected, but somehow, it felt natural, and her almost-cracking voice, thick with emotion, activated of it's own accord. But with the full weight of her heart behind it.
“And in return, I belong to you. Everything that I am.â€
x~~*~~x
In the days and months that followed, things finally seemed to return to some semblance of normal. Fate stayed in the Enforcers and passed her retest, putting her back on active duty. However, the normalcy ended there as the “training sessions†had continued. Yet, even in that, there was a distinct change that took place in the attitudes of both women surrounding it. It no longer felt like something to dread; indeed, it felt like Fate did things on purpose in order to receive Nanoha's punishment. It no longer brought Fate to tears, but instead it developed more into a sort of play, a secret that the two shared that also bound them together. Fate almost seemed eager for it now, as a way to let down her guard and be vulnerable. An emotional intensity that led to physical intimacy, a desire to hold each other close in order to drive the demons of the world away. And Nanoha found the effect just as powerful herself.
It reminded Nanoha of something Shamal said to her later, when Nanoha remarked that it seemed to be over: “What makes you think it's over? Perhaps it is just beginning. You've entered a new world... both of you have.â€
It took Nanoha awhile to really understand that. Just as Shamal had surmised, Fate wanted to be punished; it brought her comfort to know someone cared enough to take control when Fate herself couldn't. That someone could stop her and keep her on the right path. And now, Nanoha was that person, someone Fate could surrender to unconditionally, which made Nanoha all the more determined to live up to those expectations. Fate needed Nanoha's strength
But the change in Fate was evidenced most clearly several weeks later, in the Infinity Library, which also helped Nanoha bring certain thoughts into focus...
Yuuno glanced down as the two women began floating up to him. “Ah, Nanoha, Fate, you're here! I have that data on ancient Belkan training techniques for you, Nanoha. And Fate, I managed to dig up some information on your lost logia case. Just a moment, and I'll grab the volumes to transfer the information to your devices.†He turned and floated up a bit, his emerald green magic circle flaring into existence as his search spells went into effect and pulled several volumes out of the walls.
“Thank you, Yuuno,†Fate told him earnestly. “We're ready. I have Bardiche, and Nanoha has a Raging Heart on.... OW!â€
Yuuno paused and glanced down at Fate, who was rubbing her side, but grinning next to a slightly reddened Nanoha. She noticed him glancing down, and smiled nervously.
“Everything okay?†He asked them, raising an eyebrow.
“We're fine,†Nanoha managed, to which Fate nodded, still grinning.
“Uh huh,†he stated, nonplussed as two books floated down to him and opened themselves automatically. “Well, you two might want to explain something to Vivio. She was in here the other day, sounding worried that her mamas were hurting each other.â€
This time, Fate turned a slight shade of red as well, but was saved from further embarrassment as she received a call, and excused herself while floating away to take it. As Raging Heart registered that the data transfer was complete and Yuuno returned the books to their places, Nanoha floated up a bit closer to him.
Unable to exactly look directly at him, Nanoha asked quietly, “So... how much has Vivio said?â€
Yuuno turned back and gave an amused smile. “Enough. And don't worry, I don't think she's told anyone else yet, and I told her it was okay and to talk to you two. I'm glad that you two seemed to have worked things out.â€
Nanoha let out a breath, feeling a certain sense of relief; she should have seen that coming, and taken steps to talk to Vivio first before it got to this point. The idea of anyone else knowing about this was embarrassing enough.
She gave him a warm smile, bowing her head slightly. “Thank you.†She bit her lip. “Yeah, I think most everything will be okay now...â€
“Are you sure?†he asked carefully again.
She bit her lip again. “It's just that... I'm honestly asking myself why I let Fate go off into danger like that. I mean, I know she does every day since she became a Bureau mage, but that time was especially dangerous and I could have stopped her yet...†She paused and glanced up at him again. “I'm not making sense, am I?â€
Yuuno might not have known what she was talking about, but he seemed to get the gist of it. "There is a saying: 'If you love something, you must let it go. If it never comes back, it was never yours to begin with. If it does come back, cherish it forever.'"
“That does sound nice,†Nanoha wondered aloud, and then happened to catch something else in Yuuno's eye. “It sounds like that means something personal to you as well. Did you...?†She let the thought hang to see if he'd answer, but Yuuno didn't seem like he'd answer. Instead, he just shrugged and pointed.
“Go catch up with Fate,†he told her with a grin that held its own secrets, while simultaneously giving her a gentle push. “She's waiting for you.â€
Nanoha didn't push it, figuring that even though they had a close friendship, there would always be some parts between them that would be held back, and that was okay. She certainly couldn't share everything about her new relationship with Fate; she barely understood it herself! Instead, she just floated down to the exit where Fate was waiting, smiling. Nanoha took Fate's proffered right hand with her left, allowing herself to be pulled from the zero gravity section of the library to the normal gravity of the exit door, but didn't release the hand. Fate didn't seem to be in a hurry to let go, either.
As the two walked off, hand-in-hand, Nanoha realized the importance of the simple action, as though it represented the support connection they'd always share. No matter what happened, they'd always have each other to draw strength from, and to depend on. Far from being the end that Nanoha continuously looked for, this new change in their relationship was, as Shamal had told her, simply a new beginning. A new intimacy, forged from the crumbles of an old foundation into something stronger and deeper. No longer simple friendship, but something more. Something she found herself wanting to explore.
Fate must have somehow sensed Nanoha's thoughts, as she gave a quick squeeze. Nanoha returned it, and the two walked down the hallway that much closer together.
Xx~~*~~xX
Author's notes:
And this is where I admit that the entire fic was a buildup to that one joke. Weee! Just kiddin'... mostly.
Actually my inspiration was to explore a side of Fate that I hadn't seen any fics address. Abuse victims generally always have baggage and emotional issues to deal with, and while we can probably assume Fate had counseling as a child after the first season, I had never seen it directly addressed. And this being Nanoha (both the show and character), I figured our White Devil was the perfect person for the job. Because, in this situation, the characters dictated their usage in this manner, within the context of what I wanted to address.
From here on out, their relationship has obviously changed, and while I did initially consider a more direct romantic angle, in the end, it didn't feel right in that moment. However, you can presume that is where they are heading in the future. While I did have them kiss in Crisis, I now have come to think that it might have happened a bit too fast. I feel my understanding of the characters has evolved and become better, but that's just me. And I realized that if I wanted to write to that point, this fic would have continued long past the natural conclusion that I feel it came to. I'm generally neutral when it comes to shipping, as I prefer to let each story dictate what happens. I throw in plot elements, and let the characters naturally react to that.
As a final note about S&M, I wanted to show also that it is not so much about about the pain that is inflicted, as it is the feelings behind the relief after. You can test this yourself, by standing in a very hot place, and then standing in front of a cool air conditioner, and reflecting on the relief you feel. Or how food tastes much better when you are really hungry. While I am not into S&M myself, I do have some friends that are, so I have a bit of a more intimate understanding of it. The other aspect is the idea of giving up all control to someone and being taken care of... the degree of trust that it takes, also serves to deepen the bond that two people feel. But if anything like that makes you nervous, then by all means, don't do it!
In the end, I hope you got as much out of reading this, as I did out of writing it. It was an interesting experience for me, if nothing else.
Last note: I will be posting all of my rough draft fics to The Fanfiction forum first from now on. After a day or two here, they will go up on fanfiction.net. So if you want to find them first, look here!