Akamatsuverse Youthful Indiscretion

Ryogas_BF

Well-Known Member
#1
Beginning

The sun was just passing into the noon high mark; the athletic facility of the Mahora Girl's Junior High was empty, totally unprepared for the intrusion that was taking place.

In through the skylight the intruder slipped, form sleek and quick with a satchel bundled to his back. With superior balance, he slipped across the ceiling support beams and shimmied down the wall beam to the floor.

Keeping low, he sped across the open floor, pausing underneath the bleachers before slipping into the locker room.

"There's gotta be a good place around here somewhere." The intruder whispered as he carefully moved through the rows of lockers. He paused, contemplating an open one, but shook his head: "Too much of a risk." He moved on until he caught sight of a promising door.

With a smirk, he made his way across the hall, opened the door, and slipped in. It was a huge closet, full of cleaners and tools. "Perfect." With a grunt of effort, he bounced from wall to wall until he was perched on the top shelf.

Chamo the ermine rested his satchel down and wiped his forehead. "If I leave them here, no one will find them, and then Asuna-nee-chan won't throw them away! Doesn't she know how expensive it is to deliver these from magic country? Honestly." He unwrapped the cloth, revealing a large jar, filled to the brim with red and blue candies.

He pushed it right against the wall, out of direct sight from the floor. "This should be safe enough until these babies are needed. Once they see how useful they are, they'll think twice about tossing out expensive magic goods." He smirked and crossed his arms.

"I'm such a genius. And now, to celebrate my good fortune!" Chamo gathered up the cloth and hopped down to the floor. "I'll add a bit more to my collection. Heh, I'm sure they wonÆt miss a pair or two." he mused as he went on his merry way to lighten a few locker's worths of undergarments.

Out to the south of the building, two members of 3-A began setting up an experiment scheduled for that afternoon...

1234321

"And go!"

There was a cascade of splashes as four young ladies entered the water amongst cheering from their peers. The girls held even at first, but steadily the girl in the third lane began to take charge. Her stokes were powerful, not a bit of movement wasted. Each pass of the hand inched her further and further ahead. Reaching the wall, her body curled and shifted with practiced precision, lightly touching the wall before her powerful legs rocketed her in the other direction. For all her work, her breathing was calm and steady, matching time with her strokes.

At this point, the other swimmers were only swimming for second.

"And...time! Winner, Akira Okochi." the coach said with a proud smile on her face.

Akira bobbed in place at the end of the lane, waiting for the other girls to finish. She offered a small smile to the other swimmers as they came in before pulling herself from the pool, water dripping down the one-piece that clung to her sleek frame. She undid her cap and wrung the excess water from her ponytail.



"Great job as usual, Okochi." the coach said with a slight smirk. "YouÆre going to have no problem making the high school squad next year."

"Thank you, Sensei," Akira replied with a small bow and a slight flush. "I'm just glad I get to swim."

Her response earned her a friendly clap on the back. "That's the spirit! Good thing you don't let it go to your head." The coach turned and whistled. "All right, next group up!"

The girls switched positions, the swimmers from the last drill heading to the bleachers.

"Hey, Akira!" Akira turned to catch a towel thrown her way.

"Thanks Mai." She used it to mop up some of the water from her hair before leaving it to rest on her shoulders.

"That was so amazing, Akira-sempai! You swim so fast!" A first year girl.

"Like a fish." Mai teased.

"Or a mermaid." another girl chimed in. Akira chuckled, taking it all in with a small smile.

"It's just a lot of practice."

Another whistle signaled the next group to start, and the tall swimmer took the opportunity to relax. Her technique had really improved as she'd entered junior high, and since her debut she'd received a lot of praise for her skill, but formal competitions really weren't the reason she'd joined the swim team.

Rather, it gave her more opportunities to use the pool. She could do without the timing and the opponents.

Akira closed her eyes to tune out the shouting and cheers, bringing her mind to a serene, cool place.

Kick, Akira, Kick... Just a little bit further... There you go, that's my girl.

Mooom! Cut it out! I'm a big girl!

Maybe at the pool, but you're still my little girl, Akira.


"Okochi!" Akira blinked as reality returned.

The swim team was trickling back into the locker room, and the coach stood with her hands on her hips, expression somewhere between amused and annoyed.

"Yes, Sensei?"

"Practice is over. You're free to go."

"Oh, well...I'd like to do a few more laps...if you donÆt mind?" Akira asked, getting to her feet.

"I suppose not, but don't take too long. Most of the facility is shutting down in an hour. RoboticsÆ club is up to some nonsense and lobbied to close some of the buildings for some safety reason. Bunch of nuts, if you ask me." the older woman grumbled, shaking her head.

"I won't be too long."
end snippet

This is my response to a personal challange from Windfalcon (though he refuses to admit it was a challenge :p). This is my take on a Negi/Akira Match up. This idea really could work with any girl but Akira is yet nice girl another with little backstory or screen time so this is for her.

EDIT - SMWhat fix
 

windfalcon

Well-Known Member
#2
*cackles* You did it.. you actually did it...

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Ahem.. nice start ^^
 

knight_of_ni

Well-Known Member
#3
mh...so she ends up taking one of the aging pills, making her younger?

Well, an interesting start, I am looking forward to seeing more. One glaring flaw though:

"Thank you Sensei," she replied with a small bow and a slight flush. "I'm just glad I get to swim." she took a hard clap on the make from the coach.
I believe that should be "back."
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#4
I liked it, except for a few problems in punctuation--do you mind if I do something like ctrl-c, correct, paste, or would that be too presumptuous?
 

Ryogas_BF

Well-Known Member
#5
SMWhat said:
I liked it, except for a few problems in punctuation--do you mind if I do something like ctrl-c, correct, paste, or would that be too presumptuous?
go ahead if you want to help I won;t stop yeah. I made the correction Knight pointed out after all.
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#6
Beginning

The sun was just passing into the noon high mark; the athletic facility of the Mahora Girl's Junior High was empty, totally unprepared for the intrusion that was taking place.

In through the skylight the intruder slipped, form sleek and quick with a satchel bundled to his back. With superior balance, he slipped across the ceiling support beams and shimmied down the wall beam to the floor.

Keeping low, he sped across the open floor, pausing underneath the bleachers before slipping into the locker room.

"There's gotta be a good place around here somewhere." The intruder whispered as he carefully moved through the rows of lockers. He paused, contemplating an open one, but shook his head: "Too much of a risk." He moved on until he caught sight of a promising door.

With a smirk, he made his way across the hall, opened the door, and slipped in. It was a huge closet, full of cleaners and tools. "Perfect." With a grunt of effort, he bounced from wall to wall until he was perched on the top shelf.

Chamo the ermine rested his satchel down and wiped his forehead. "If I leave them here, no one will find them, and then Asuna-nee-chan won't throw them away! Doesn't she know how expensive it is to deliver these from magic country? Honestly." He unwrapped the cloth, revealing a large jar, filled to the brim with red and blue candies.

He pushed it right against the wall, out of direct sight from the floor. "This should be safe enough until these babies are needed. Once they see how useful they are, they'll think twice about tossing out expensive magic goods." He smirked and crossed his arms.

"I'm such a genius. And now, to celebrate my good fortune!" Chamo gathered up the cloth and hopped down to the floor. "I'll add a bit more to my collection. Heh, I'm sure they wonÆt miss a pair or two." he mused as he went on his merry way to lighten a few locker's worths of undergarments.

Out to the south of the building, two members of 3-A began setting up an experiment scheduled for that afternoon...

1234321

"And go!"

There was a cascade of splashes as four young ladies entered the water amongst cheering from their peers. The girls held even at first, but steadily the girl in the third lane began to take charge. Her stokes were powerful, not a bit of movement wasted. Each pass of the hand inched her further and further ahead. Reaching the wall, her body curled and shifted with practiced precision, lightly touching the wall before her powerful legs rocketed her in the other direction. For all her work, her breathing was calm and steady, matching time with her strokes.

At this point, the other swimmers were only swimming for second.

"And...time! Winner, Akira Okochi." the coach said with a proud smile on her face.

Akira bobbed in place at the end of the lane, waiting for the other girls to finish. She offered a small smile to the other swimmers as they came in before pulling herself from the pool, water dripping down the one-piece that clung to her sleek frame. She undid her cap and wrung the excess water from her ponytail.

"Great job as usual, Okochi." the coach said with a slight smirk. "YouÆre going to have no problem making the high school squad next year."

"Thank you, Sensei," Akira replied with a small bow and a slight flush. "I'm just glad I get to swim."

Her response earned her a friendly clap on the back. "That's the spirit! Good thing you don't let it go to your head." The coach turned and whistled. "All right, next group up!"

The girls switched positions, the swimmers from the last drill heading to the bleachers.

"Hey, Akira!" Akira turned to catch a towel thrown her way.

"Thanks Mai." She used it to mop up some of the water from her hair before leaving it to rest on her shoulders.

"That was so amazing, Akira-sempai! You swim so fast!" A first year girl.

"Like a fish." Mai teased.

"Or a mermaid." another girl chimed in. Akira chuckled, taking it all in with a small smile.

"It's just a lot of practice."

Another whistle signaled the next group to start, and the tall swimmer took the opportunity to relax. Her technique had really improved as she'd entered junior high, and since her debut she'd received a lot of praise for her skill, but formal competitions really weren't the reason she'd joined the swim team.

Rather, it gave her more opportunities to use the pool. She could do without the timing and the opponents.

Akira closed her eyes to tune out the shouting and cheers, bringing her mind to a serene, cool place.

Kick, Akira, Kick... Just a little bit further... There you go, that's my girl.

Mooom! Cut it out! I'm a big girl!

Maybe at the pool, but you're still my little girl, Akira.


"Okochi!" Akira blinked as reality returned.

The swim team was trickling back into the locker room, and the coach stood with her hands on her hips, expression somewhere between amused and annoyed.

"Yes, Sensei?"

"Practice is over. You're free to go."

"Oh, well...I'd like to do a few more laps...if you donÆt mind?" Akira asked, getting to her feet.

"I suppose not, but don't take too long. Most of the facility is shutting down in an hour. RoboticsÆ club is up to some nonsense and lobbied to close some of the buildings for some safety reason. Bunch of nuts, if you ask me." the older woman grumbled, shaking her head.

"I won't be too long."
Change back any bits you don't like, please.
 

marthf1

Well-Known Member
#7
Hmm, interesting, but just in comparison to the "It's Always the Quiet Ones," it does not pack as much "oomph." I guess that is because she does not seem as unique as Zazie - just a normal gal with a passion for swimming. Not that this is unlikable; it is just that as of yet, there is only a slice of Akira's life - not much interactions or deep introspections about swimming. Er, not that there -needs- to be any...

Bleh, I think I will just be patient and, in particular, let more eloquent member type.

Oh, by the way, nice picture.
 

Ryogas_BF

Well-Known Member
#8
Marth1 - True enough, Zazie does lend to much more interesting and unique writing and Akira is one of the more normal girls in class but I will do my best to make this fun and interesting. Hopefully it will be enjoyable in a different way then Zazie's story.

Snippet!

Akira stretched a little before looking over the placid surface of the water. She perched up on the starting block and gave and arching drive slipping smoothly into the water. Though instead of running laps se swam deeper, skimming across the bottom of the pool.

1:21

She allowed herself to glide off the momentum, she rolled out to look up at the surface from below, everything warbled and out of focus save for the small bubbles drifting from her nose. It was like being on the other side of the mirror, though the dry side was much more like wonderland.

2:15

Noisy and chaotic, spending here days with 3-A, Negi-sensei and all the odd things that tended to happen it was almost magical sometimes. Though she needed this, the quiet and serenity the water gave her, being able to float unconcerned and allow her thoughts to wander.

2:56

She prided herself on keeping a cool head amongst all her excitable friends, but she needed time to just get away. Let the water wash her stress away. Bubbles trickled up a little faster... she began to make her way up to the surface once more. she burst to the surface and took a deep breath. "Three and a half... I can do better." she said to herself slowing her breath before breathing deep once more and slipping beneath the surface.

1234321

"Seems the area is secured."

"Is the prototype ready-yo?"

"All the preparations are are prepared we can begin out set up."

It wasn't often such a public test was set up by the robotics club but with the festival a few months away there was lot of larger machines that needed to be tested. Chao and Satomi, the youngest and brightest members, stood side by side as a large palette truck backed into the test area a large form covered with canvas perched on the back end.

"It's nice to take a break from our work to help on a side project." Hakase said eyes glued to a small handhand computer. Her fellow genius nodded.

"Yup, I think the crowds will really get a kick out of this, best to let everyone have their fun as long as they can-ne?"

"My thoughts exactly."

"Okay be careful backing it off, the legs are locked right now." An older boy in a lab coat called out as another member drove up with a crane. The others undid the ties and the canvas fell away revealing a huge twenty foot metal monstrosity. It was obviously still being worked on and not skinned but it held a resemblance to some sort of dinosaur.

1234321

Akira gave a small sigh as she stretched, water dripped from her form as she pushed open the locker room door, wet footprints trailing behind her. "I think I may have lingers a bit long. I'll just take a quick shower, shouldn't be too much of a problem." she tread casually through the locker room heading to the cluster of lockers belonging to 3-A and set to undressing. She pulled the tie from her ponytail freeing the black tresses before slipping out of the cool soaked suit. Humming a little tune she gathered her soap and placed her towel out for easy access on her return. A light rumble caught her noticed, "They started already? I guess I'll really need to hurry. I can always soak in the bath with the girls later tonight to relax." With that the swimmer disappeared into the shower area, missing the light creak of the utility door creeping open.

1234321

"I said to be careful!"

"Sorry, the control was a little sensitive." The crane operator said with a slight flush, the robot had been let go a little early and nearly toppled over. The upperclassmen shook his head with a snort of disgust before turning.

"Hakase, were any of the systems damaged?"

"No, all the software appeared to be fine Sempai." Satomi reported back promptly.

"Good, we don't want anything skewing the test results. Lingshen activate the start up protocols."

"Right!" the foreign genius typed up the code and pressed enter. Slowly a loud whir could be heard from the animatronic beast eyes lighting up for a moment before settling at a dull glow. It gave a low growl.

"Excellent...It lives. It's alive!" the upperclassmen gave a bellowing laugh. Sweatdrops spread over the other members of the club.

"That's kinda sketchy-yo."

"Try to focus Sempai." Satomi said the elder boy composing himself and shifting his glasses.

"Yes yes of course, sorry about that. Hakase keep monitor on the internal functions. Natsume begin forward movement." he commanded watching the robot carefully. The noises grew louder and actuators compressed as it's leg started to rise, the hips and legs seemed to be in working order but it was starting to tilt. "It's losing balance? Report!"

"The foot must have hit some soft soil. The tail joints are frozen, it's not moving to act as a counter balance."

"Over ride the movement protocol!"

"Too late it's leg is already up-yo."

"Damnit, everyone run, move the equipment and personal before it falls. Deactivate the power" the club scrambled about as the eyes dimmed to black and the machinery stopped. The robotic T-rex continued to tilt until it could not hold anymore and fell with a resounding crash, head digging into the ground followed shortly by a geyser of water.

"...Hm, that worked better then I expected."

1234321

The locker room shook from the force of the impact outside. Several boxes and broomstick were knocked to the floor, on the top shelf a jar full of colored candies tipped over the top popping free along with several candies rolling off the shelf. Most got caught up int the mess below but a the first few tumbled clear free from the closet to the locker room floor.

"What the hell was that?" Akira walked out of the shower holding close to the wall. The shower sputtered and coughed before shutting off. "The water? Just great... I should have listened to coach." still a little soapy she made her way back to her locker. "Hm?" she looked down to see three candies laying against her towel, two blue and one red. She looked around a little puzzled. "Was someone else in here?" she wrapped her self in her towel and knelt for the candies. "I wonder what flavor they are?" she said examining one of the blue ones. She place the red and other blue in her bag before popping the remainder in her mouth.

"Hm... Doesn't really taste li-" she began before the candy dissolved suddenly. Her body exuded a large cloud of smoke and the room began to spin. She nearly lost her balance but managed to brace herself on the locker, the towel sliding free to the ground. The smoke cleared and her vision focused once more but something felt off. "That was really strange, I hope that wasn't drugs or-" she brought her hand to her throat, her voice held a much higher trill to it. She coughed trying to clear it but there didn't seem to be anything wrong. "I sound so funny." she knelt to pick up her fallen towel but couldn't help but notice a bit of a difference. "Ah! My breasts are gone!" she squeaked, patting her chest as if it was just her eyes. "But how?" Akira looked to her locker and found herself looking up as her mirror hung a good foot above her head. Slowly her mind added up the pieces to their most 'logical' conclusion. "I-I'm a kid?!" She stuttered out, not able to believe her words. There was no way someone could just regress spontaneously, though the visual evidence could not be denied. Given the situation she came up with a happy medium, her eyes rolled back and she collapsed to the ground in a dead faint.

end snippet

Oh it seems like it was too much for little Akira... Hopefully she comes too before anyone shows up :snigger: I enjoyed writing up the robotic club scene even if it;s sole purpous was just to set up Akira's pill finding. Mad science is the best kind! oh and that robaot is one of the three shown at the beginning of the festival arc, they still have some kinks to work out it seems...
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#9
Akira stretched a little before looking over the placid surface of the water.

She perched upon the starting block and, in an arching drive, slipped smoothly into the water. Instead of swimming laps, though, she swam deeper, skimming across the bottom of the pool.

1:21

She allowed herself to glide off of the momentum, rolling out to look up at the surface from below. Everything was warbled and out of focus, save for the small bubbles drifting from her nose. It was like being on the other side of a mirror, though the dry side was much more like Wonderland.

2:15

They were noisy and chaotic, her days spent with 3-A, Negi-sensei, and all the odd things that tended to happen. It was almost magical, sometimes. She needed this, though, the quiet and serenity the water gave her, her being able to float unconcerned and allow her thoughts to wander.

2:56

She prided herself on keeping a cool head amongst all her excitable friends, but she, too, needed time to just get away. To let the water wash her stress away.

Bubbles trickled up a little faster...

She made her way up to the surface once more, bursting from the water and taking a deep breath.

"Three and a half...I can do better." she muttered to herself, slowing her breath before breathing deep once more and slipping beneath the surface.

1234321

"Seems the area is secured."

"Is the prototype ready-yo?"

"All the preparations are prepared. We can begin our set-up."

It wasn't often that such a public test was set up by the robotics club, but with the festival a few months away there were a lot of larger machines that needed to be tested. Chao and Satomi, the youngest and brightest members, stood side by side as a large palette truck backed into the test area, a large form covered with canvas perched upon the back end.

"It's nice to take a break from our work to help on a side project." Hakase said, eyes glued to a small handhand computer.

Her fellow genius nodded. "Yup. I think the crowds will really get a kick out of this. Best to let everyone have their fun as long as they can, ne?"

"My thoughts exactly."

"Okay, be careful backing it up! The legs are locked right now." An older boy in a lab coat called out as another member drove up in a crane. The other club members undid the ties and the canvas fell away, revealing a huge, twenty-foot metal monstrosity.

It was obviously still being worked on, and not yet skinned, but it held a resemblance to some sort of dinosaur.

1234321

Akira gave a small sigh as she stretched, water dripping from her form as she pushed open the locker room door, wet footprints trailing behind her. "I think I may have lingered a bit long. I'll just take a quick shower. Shouldn't be too much of a problem."

She treaded casually through the locker room, heading to the cluster of lockers belonging to 3-A, and set to undressing.

Akira pulled the tie from her ponytail, freeing her hair, before slipping out of her soaked swimsuit. Humming a little tune, she gathered her soap and placed her towel out for easy access upon her return.

A light rumble caught her notice

"They started already? I guess I'll really need to hurry. I can always soak in the bath with the girls later tonight to relax." With that, the swimmer disappeared into the shower area, missing the light creak of the utility door creeping open.

1234321

"I said to be careful!"

"Sorry, the controls were a little sensitive." The crane-operator said with a slight flush.

The robot had been let go a little early and had nearly toppled over. The upperclassman shook his head with a snort of disgust before turning.

"Hakase, were any of the systems damaged?"

"No, all the software appeared to be fine, Sempai." Satomi reported back promptly.

"Good. We don't want anything skewing the test results. Lingshen, activate the start-up protocols."

"Right!" The foreign genius typed up the code and pressed enter.

Slowly, a loud whir sounded from the animatronic beast, its eyes lighting up for a moment before settling at a dull glow. It gave a low growl.

"Excellent...It lives. It's alive!" The upperclassman gave a bellowing laugh. Sweatdrops spread over the other members of the club.

"That's kinda sketchy-yo."

"Try to focus, Sempai." Satomi said. The elder boy composed himself and shifted his glasses.

"Yes, yes, of course. Sorry about that. Hakase, keep monitoring the internal functions. Natsume, begin forward movement." he commanded, watching the robot carefully. The noises grew louder and the actuators compressed as the robot's leg began to rise. The hips and legs seemed to be in working order--

But it was starting to tilt.

"It's losing balance? Report!"

"The foot must have hit some soft soil. The tail joints are frozen--it's not moving to act as a counterbalance."

"Override the movement protocol!"

"Too late! It's leg is already up-yo!"

"Dammit, everyone run! Move the equipment and personnel before it falls! Deactivate the power!"

The club scrambled about as the robot's eyes dimmed to black and the machinery stopped.

The robotic T-rex continued to tilt until it couldn't hold anymore, then fell with a resounding crash, its head digging into the ground, followed shortly by a geyser of water.

"...Hm, that worked better then I expected."

1234321

The locker room shook from the force of the impact outside.

In the closet, several boxes and broomsticks were knocked to the floor. On the top shelf, a jar full of colored candies tipped over, its top popping free and rolling off the shelf, along with several candies. Most were caught up int the mess below, but the first few tumbled clear free of the closet to the locker room floor.

"What the hell was that?" Akira stumbled out of the shower, holding close to the wall.

The showerhead sputtered and coughed before shutting off. "The water? Just great...I should have listened to coach." Still a little soapy, Akira made her way back to her locker.

"Hm?" Akira looked down to see three candies lying against her towel, two blue and one red. She looked around, a little puzzled. "Was someone else in here?"

She wrapped herself in her towel and knelt down, picking up the candies. "I wonder what flavor they are?" she wondered, examining one of the blue ones. She placed the red candy and a blue candy into her bag, before popping the remaining blue one into her mouth.

"Hm... Doesn't really taste li--"

The candy dissolved suddenly.

Akira's body exuded a large cloud of smoke and the room began to spin. She nearly lost her balance but managed to brace herself on the locker, her towel sliding free to the ground.

The smoke cleared, and her vision focused once more...but something felt off.

"That was...really strange. I hope that wasn't drugs, or--"

She brought her hand to her throat. Her voice held a much higher pitch to it. She coughed, trying to clear it, but there didn't seem to be anything wrong.

"I sound funny..."

She knelt to pick up her fallen towel and couldn't help but notice a bit of a difference.

"Ah! My breasts are gone!" she squeaked, patting her chest. "But how?"

Akira looked to her locker and found herself looking up--her mirror hung a good foot above her head.

Slowly her mind added up the pieces to their most 'logical' conclusion.

"I--I'm a kid?!" She sputtered out, unable to believe her own words. There was no way someone could just regress spontaneously...but the visual evidence could not be denied.

Given the situation, Akira came up with a happy medium: her eyes rolled back and she collapsed to the ground in a dead faint.
I wasn't really sure what you were trying to say on one or two parts, so...I guessed. If you have issue, please tell me.
 

marthf1

Well-Known Member
#10
Quite a few grammar and spelling errors.

The swimming introduction feels best suited for skimming to avoid halting on the awkward sentence structure and errors. But nice stream of conscious, assuming that is what it is... Although SMWhat did a nice job, in the first scene there are now just a lot of commas.

Hopefully you conclude the robot club scene so its purpose for dropping those candies is not exaggerated as a cheap plot device or something. Oh yeah, the blue "candy" regresses age, so maybe the red one accelerates aging? I suppose that would be too easy; maybe the red one has a higher/lower impact?

Also, since you have her think she is one of the more level-headed students, and also just finish her stress-relieving exercise, I think it was a bit too convenient that she fainted. I just kind of feel that she would subconsciously finish up and blankly find somewhere to sleep off the "nightmare", or even run off and find someone.

Overall, it was decent. I guess the swimming portions are the main attention-grabbers before any meetings with her classmates and Neji, but so far, it is not feeling up to par.

Edit: minor grammar stuff. I felt like it.
 

Ryogas_BF

Well-Known Member
#11
Marth1 - Fair enough, the being was basically stream of consciousness and admittedly somewhat filler but I hoped it would come out okay. There will be later reference to the robotics club later, at the very least in passing from Chao or Satomi in class. This begining is rough but she will start having more interactions with her classmates soon enough. It's just hard to have it directly focused on akira so early, once she has people to interact with it will go much better. I need to get used to writing her.

I'm a horrible beta reader, I fix things when I spot them but my mind is always no where my story is going more the the technicals and unfortunately my comp has no good checker so a lot gets by me. any beta-ing help is welcomed.

I'm not sure on the not fainting... this is someone with absolutely no magical exposure getting suddenly regressed to a child out of no where *shrugs* cliche but I don't see it as too far off.

SMWhat - thanks I'll look it over. :)

Snippet

Slowly the world came back into focus, Akira blinked as a could chill ran through her. She was wet and quite naked. "The locker room?" she muttered and nearly choked when she heard her tone. Memories rushed back to her. She swallowed and looked around, everything still looking larger then she was used to. "Okay Just need to stay calm." she slowly stood hugging her towel around her. "Right, The candy!" she pulled her bag from the locker and opening up, there were two more candies sitting inside right where she left them.

"Well there are two more but." she swallowed, "I really don't know what they do... What if another one makes me even younger," she paled picturing a squealing infant laying in a towel on the floor. "No, I'll just find someone in the faculty, the nurse maybe?" she tried to rationalize things out. "I'll just show them my ID, the candies, and explain things and... No, my ID. Stupid..." she lowered her head. "I left it back at the dorm." She took a breath trying to calm herself. She could handle this all she had to do was go back to her dorm room and get it. Simple.

Nothing about this situation was simple. Akira plucked her spare cloths from the hangers and held them up in front of her. "This... isn't going to work." she drooped her head. Her older shirt alone was like was more like a night shirt. "Well I can't be running around the campus naked. There has to be something more... fitting," she looked down the line of lockers next to her. Maybe one of her classmates would fit. She tossed her clothes back inside and began to work her way down, she didn't have any exact measurements but she knew it was quite a drop. safest thing would be to check the smallest outfit.

"Narutaki, Fuka.... Okay." Akira paused on the latch. The regressed girl was desperately hoping that they would be too small. To accept such a drop in development would almost make her cry. She flipped the latch on the lock and opened it only to hear a few extra clicks. "Huh?" a series of suction cup darts pelted her face and arms before a large bag fell from the top shelf knocking her to the ground. Flour spread over her and the floor around her. Akira sat up coughing "What the heck, who booby traps their swim locker?" she grumbled in frustration shaking the excess flour free of her hair. As if this wasn't humiliating enough... She allowed herself a small moment to collect herself before trying to clean the flour off her as best she could, she'd get the little brat back later.

"Okay lets see what we have here. Behind the mounted gun was a cute t-shirt and shorts combo. Akira looked them over carefully with a small note of fear. "Well might as well try them on.. she took the underwear and proceeded to dress. She was partly relieved that they were a tight and somewhat uncomfortable, but if she had two she could probably use this. she quickly undressed and placed them aside. "At least I''m bigger then them." she whispered as she looked back to the lockers. "McDowell?" she paused looking at the locker. The blond was quite short but... well to be honest Evangeline was very intimidating. She could imagine the girl wouldn't take well to stealing. "Maybe there's another..." she stated with a nervous twitter moving further down the line.

"Ayase?" The swimmer look to the locker in front of her. Yue was small and the leader of the baka rangers didn't seem like her locker would have anything dangerous inside. She flipped it open flinching a little but let a relieved sigh when nothing came flying at her. Inside was a fairly simple outfit. A one-piece pull over skirt, teal in color. "It's loose, even if it's big or small it should work well." she nodded as she made her choice. gathering it up she scampered back to her bag, she needed to hurry.

1234321

Akira peeked through the door looking to see who was about, no one seemed to take much notice of her so she slipped out the door into the quad. The backpack was large for her frame but fortunately not too heavy. The skirt hung lower then the girl had expected, covering to her knees but the undergarments fit far better then she would have liked. Her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, it was shorter then she was used too but that was the least of her problems. The girl blushed lightly as she scurried through the plaza, several groups of girls offered her smiles.

"There's so many girls around here, I'll cut through the middle." she turned from the path for the road less traveled. Grass crunched lightly beneath her bare feet, the noise and chatter fading away. Though she her ears caught a new sound. "It sounds like a fight." she muttered her curiosity getting the better of her. she used to small form to an advantage and crouched low working her way through a bush to get a better look.

"Sensei?"

Negi was sparring off against Ku Fei, baka yellow herself. They moved smoothly striking and blocking, it was like watching a movie. Though even to her untrained eyes her classmate was clearly in control the whole time. "So this was the training he was asking for?"

"Opening!"

"Wah!" the swimmer winced as Negi was knocked off his feet with a leg sweep. Wasn't that a little harsh? He was only ten years old. But soon enough he was back on his feet.

"You have to remember Negi-bozu, do not let yourself be lead into a pattern-aru. Adaptable Kung Fu can be but if the user is predictable it won't matter." Ku instructed in a calm clear voice as the boy brushed himself off.

"Yes master, I'll try to remember."

"Good, then begin." The blond turned back to her cheerful self and engaged the boy once more. Akira blinked as he seemed to go on just as well.

"Wow he's tougher then he looks..."

"An opening!" Ku Fei turned and leveling the boy with a hard elbow sending his tumbling backward with a grunt. Akira squeaked and covered her mouth, that shot looked ten times are worse. Both Ku and Negi looked up at that, the swimmer paled.

They heard me! unsure what to do she bolted back toward the dorms before she was spotted. Negi groaned as he looked to the rustling bush.

"Someone was spying on us?"

"Seems so," the martial artist smirked. "Looks like little girl-aru? Maybe Negi-bozu has a fan?" She said chuckling as the boy blushed lightly from the teasing.

end snippet

Next part is when she really meets people face to face. Her roommate Misora will be able to settle things.
 

dan27

Well-Known Member
#12
Nice picture and she's what i like to call the "atletic beauty" if you needed a description based on her picture for her figure
 

SMWhat

Well-Known Member
#13
Slowly, the world came back into focus.

Akira blinked as a cold chill ran through her. She was wet and naked. "The locker room?" she muttered--

--and nearly choked when she heard her voice.

Memories rushed back to her. She swallowed and looked around. Everything still looked larger than what she was used to.

"Okay, I just need to stay calm." She slowly stood, hugging her towel around her. "Right, the candy!"

She pulled her bag from the locker and opened it up. There were two more of the candies, sitting inside right where she left them.

"Well, there are two more, but..." She swallowed. "I really don't know what they do. What if another one makes me even younger?"

She paled, picturing a squealing infant lying in a towel on the floor.

"No, I'll just find someone in the faculty--the nurse, maybe?" She tried to rationalize things out. "I'll just show them my ID, the candies, and explain things and--no, my ID. Stupid..." She lowered her head. "I left it back at the dorm."

She took a breath, trying to calm herself. She could handle this. All she had to do was go back to her dorm room and get her ID. Simple.

Nothing about this situation was simple. Akira plucked her spare clothes from the hangers and held them in front of her.

"This...isn't going to work." Her head drooped. Her older shirt alone was more like a nightshirt.

"Well, I can't be running around the campus naked. There has to be something more...fitting." She looked down the line of lockers. Maybe one of her classmates would fit? She tossed her clothes back into her own locker and began to work her way down the row.

She didn't have any exact measurements, but she knew her current body was a good amount smaller. The safest thing to do would be to try the smallest outfit...

"Narutaki, Fuka....okay."

Akira paused, hand on the latch of the locker. The regressed girl desperately hoped that the clothes would be too small--to accept these clothes were too big would almost make her cry.

She flipped free the latch and opened the locker...only to hear a strange clicking sound.

"Huh?"

Suddenly, a series of suction cup darts pelted her face and arms and a large bag fell from the locker's top shelf, knocking her to the ground. Flour spread over her and the floor around her.

Akira sat up coughing.

"What the heck? Who booby traps their swim locker?" she grumbled in frustration, shaking the excess flour free of her hair. As if this situation wasn't humiliating enough...

She allowed herself a small moment to collect herself before trying to clean the flour off as best as she could. She'd get the little brat back later.

"Okay, lets see what we have here."

Behind the mounted gun was a cute t-shirt and shorts combo. Akira looked them over carefully with a small note of fear. "Well, might as well try them on..."

Akira took the underwear and proceeded to dress. She felt partly relieved--the clothes were tight and somewhat uncomfortable.

Quickly, she undressed again and placed the clothes aside. "At least I''m bigger then that." she whispered to herself as she looked back to the lockers. "McDowell?" She paused. The blond was quite short, but...

Well, to be honest, Evangeline was very intimidating. She could imagine that the girl wouldn't take well to stealing. "Maybe there's someone else..." she muttered nervously, moving further down the line.

"Ayase?" The swimmer looked to the locker in front of her. Yue was small, and as the leader of the Baka Rangers, it didn't seem likely that her locker would have anything dangerous inside. She flipped it open, flinching a little, but let a relieved sigh when nothing came flying at her.

Inside the locker was a fairly simple outfit: a one-piece pullover skirt, teal in color. "It's loose--even if it's a little big or small it should work well." Akira nodded as she made her choice. Gathering the outfit up, she scampered back to her bag.

She needed to hurry.

1234321

Akira peeked through the door, looking to see who was about. No one seemed to notice her, so she slipped out into the quad. The backpack was large for her small frame, but fortunately not too heavy. The skirt, though, hung lower then the girl had expected, covering her knees, while the undergarments fit far better then she would have liked. She had pulled her hair back into a high ponytail, shorter then she was used to--but that was the least of her problems.

The girl blushed lightly as she scurried through the plaza, several groups of girls offering her smiles as she passed.

"There's so many people around here--I'll cut through the middle." She turned from the path, towards the less-traveled road. Grass crunched lightly beneath her bare feet as the normal noise and chatter faded away.

Now, though, her ears caught a new sound. "It sounds...like a fight." she muttered. Her curiosity got the better of her, and she used her small form to her advantage, crouching low and working her way behind a bush to get a better look.

"Sensei?"

Negi--was sparring--against Ku Fei, the Baka Yellow herself!

They two fighters moved, smoothly striking and blocking, like something from a movie she had watched. Even to Akira's untrained eyes, it was clear that her classmate was the one in control of the battle. "So this was the training he was asking for?"

"Opening!"

"Wah!" Akira winced as a leg sweep knocked Negi off his feet. Wasn't that a little harsh? He was only ten years old. But, soon enough, the small teacher picked himself up again.

"You have to remember, Negi-bozu," Ku instructed in a calm, clear voice as the Negi brushed himself off. "do not let yourself be lead into a pattern-aru. Adaptable, kung fu can be. But if the user is predictable, it won't matter."

"Yes, Master. I'll try to remember."

"Good, then begin." The blond turned back into her cheerful self and engaged the boy in battle once more. Akira blinked as Negi returned to the fight just as quickly.

"Wow...he's tougher then he looks..."

"An opening!" Ku Fei turned and leveled the boy with an elbow, sending him tumbling backwards with a grunt.

Akira squeaked loudly, covering her mouth--that shot had looked ten times as worse as the last one--

Both Ku and Negi looked up, and she paled.

They heard me!

Unsure what to do, Akira bolted back towards the dorms.

Negi groaned as he looked at the rustling bush.

"Someone was spying on us?"

"Seems so." The martial artist smirked. "Looks like a little girl-aru? Maybe Negi-bozu has a fan?" She chuckled as the boy lightly blushed.
In my opinion...my opinion, mind you, your sentences sound sort of...clipped. Clinical. But that's just me. Also, you don't have to say "said" or words that mean the same as "said" so often--usually, you can just leave the spoken bit by itself, and it should be obvious who's speaking.
 

marthf1

Well-Known Member
#14
It is pretty good, but it does not seem to have set it self apart from other similarly styled stories yet. Maybe I should read the manga before I comment on further snippets - I might be acting biased towards pure action themes or something.

Admittedly, a strong backstory is required for a good story, so perhaps I am not keeping with my goal of being patient. Though now that I think of it, if SMWhat is correct, it is possible that the clinical or clipped style prevents the sense of urgency from setting in. I just cannot empathize with Akira's search for appropriate clothes, her movement across the campus, or what she feels observing and escaping from Negi's training.
 

Ryogas_BF

Well-Known Member
#15
Comments

Hm, well I guess I'm just getting off to a rougher start. I may try to read over things later and round things out better later but for now I will push on (when the inspiration strikes) there a lot of fun to be had with this idea esspecially once akira starts interacting more both normally and as a child.

snippet!

Akira slowed to a stop leaning against a tree, her short legs burned with fatigue and her lungs gulped for more precious oxygen. She shook her head, cursing the panic given response. While it was easy to forget Negi was a teacher and she could have approached... perhaps the chance that she'd have to look Up to her young sensei was too much for her mind to risk. "I can't just sit and curse my lost opportunities. If I can just get my ID it can have a much easier time pleading my case... Goal, just focus on the goal." she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. No more panicking, she needed to get this figured out.

More centered in herself she began the last legs of her trek coming out to the dorms, towering and casting a rather imposing shadow. Allowing herself a small hesitation her held the straps of her backpack close and started inside. Back indoors the perspective change was very apparent she tried her best to focus through that and continuing on. Hoping up the stairs she suddenly found herself shadowed.

"Hey what do we have here?"

"Hey cutie is there something we can help you with?"

Looking up she repressed a slight swallow. Three classmates, Madoka, Sakurako, and Misa were looking down to her all smiles. By blessing or curse the cheerleader's had yet to make a connection. Akira weighed the pros and cons, not wanting too wild a word spread before she could find out what was happening she decided to be more discreet.

"Um, yes. Do you know which room Misora-sempai is in?" trying to up the innocence to cavity causing levels. "Sister Shakti wanted me to bring her a message."

"Aw well aren't you hardworking." Sakurako ruffling the neo-child's hair.

"Sure, I'm pretty sure Misora is in. We'll bring you by personally." Madoka promised with a big smile.

"Really?" Damn, I was hoping for just directions "Thank you onee-chans" she said with a forced smile but fortunately the cuteness of it all masked the cheerleaders' perception. The each gave a small squeal before hugging her.

"She's so cute."

"It really makes me want to dress her up!"

What?!

"Ha ha, come on Misa don't scare the girl too bad." Madoka helped break her away and get her back on her own two feet. "come on it's down this way." she began to lead Akira by the hand down their hall, the other two at her heels. that could have gone south fast. If Madoka hadn't been there... well she didn't want to think of the details but it was likely something that happened to Negi-sensei a lot. poor kid.

"So, you work in the church too?"

"Y-yeah, I just started though, I'm still getting used to things." Please don't ask anymore. fortunately luck seemed to be on her side as the topic was mostly dropped.

"Well be sure to try and keep Misora in line," Sakurako gave the girl a wink. "She can be a bit of a slacker sometimes." she whispered conspiratorially as they arrived at the door. Madoka knocked leaving a moment before the door opened. The nun-in-training looked to be in full lounge mode, done with both school and church duties for the day.

"Um hey guys? Something up?" Casting a puzzled look over the group. Madoka pushed Akira forward with a smile.

"Nothing much just helping this cutie to come see you." Misora cocked her head a little a confused frown in place. Akira swallowed her nervousness and did her best to put up a good front for the others.

"Um, Sister Shakti wanted me to deliver a message." she tried the same lie but her roommate didn't seem to be as easily swayed. Her eyes scanning the girl up and down making careful note of her smallest reaction.

"Right, come on in." she stepped aside and Akira took the opportunity rushing into the room.

"Well we won't keep you occupied, we were going to go out into town." Sakurako prompted with a wave.

"Next time you should tell us you have such cute kohais. Send your spares over." Misa giggled sending chills down little Akira's spine... yes the quicker she got out of this the better. Her roommate gave a slight nod as she shut the door before turning and giving the regressed girl a dubious look, arms crossed.

"All right spill kid. I've never seen you back at the church."

"Well... look this is going to sound crazy but," she took a breath and looked up doing her best to hold Misora 's gaze. "I'm Akira." both held gaze for a long moment though the young girl got the impression that her roommate was less then convinced.

"Riiight, I think youÆre off by a few years there."

"I'm serious!" she stamped her foot in a rather childish fashion before closing her eyes and crossing her arms in frustration. "I was finishing up in the locker room and ate some candy that someone left on my things and next thing I know I've been turned into a kid." it was a ridiculous story she knew but what else could she say. Slowly she peeked an eye open and was pleasantly surprised to see a more serious look on her face.

"A candy?"

"Right."

"Do you have some of it left?"

ôUm yesàö she dropped her back and knelt opening it up. ôThere wear a few other pieces but I didnÆt want to risk taking them all things considered.ö Fishing around for a moment she came up with the two remaining candies from her things holding them out she noted a slight widening of the eyes as Misora plucked the red candy from her hand looking it over carefully.

ôYou said you found these in the locker room?ö

ôYou know what they are?ö

ôYeah, we should probably head theyÆre and look around, their might be more. WouldnÆt want theyÆre to be some sort of panic.ö

ôWait! If you know then what are they? Am I stuck like this?ö she looked to the blue candy in her hand dubiously before turning her eyes back up to her roommate who seemed to be stuck in thought. The nun-in-training sighed softly before going to the door and locking it.

ôVery wellà well first off this is temporary, YouÆll be back to your old self before morning.ö she clarified right away, a large weight lifting off of the regressed swimmerÆs shoulders. ôAs to exactly WHAT these are well. ThereÆs no easy way to say it, I probably shouldnÆt be telling you in the first place.ö she held up the red candy between two fingers. ôThis isnÆt candyà ItÆs an ingested magical effect, it temporarily alters your age depending on which color you eat.ö

ôMagic?ö considering things it wasnÆt as if she could be surprised but still it was on some level not the answer she was expecting.

ôYesà this is real magic.ö Misora gathered herself, ôand I am a mage.ö Akira stared opening as Misora tried to keep away from eye contact.

ôA mage?ö

ôWell a mage in training, IÆm not that great but I know enough to get by.ö

ôSo these things are yours?ö Akira needled trying to make this all make sense, she had a feeling she had just jumped off the deep end. Misora shook her head

ôNo no. Someone else must have left them.ö

ôThereÆs another mage on campus?ö

ôWell itÆs not my place to say but yeahà ThereÆs a few.ö the older girl was sweating a little, if the sisters found out she could get in a lot of troubleà but considering the circumstances they might let it slide. Akira fell into silence, letting it soak in some.

ôThat does actually explain a few thingsàö she muttered rolling the pill in her hand a little. ôWait, if the blue ones make you younger then the red ones make you older right? that other one should fix me!ö

ôHm, yeah it could probably work out, IÆve never tried the things myself. so I couldnÆt tell you for sure.ö

ôThen can I have that red one back.ö

ôNopeö

ôWhat?ö

ôItÆs going to wear off tonight anyway so why waste a second pill. The priority is to gather up those pills before anyone else gets a hold of them, itÆs bad enough I had to explain things to you.ö Misora slowly smirked, ôBesides, itÆs not often I get to be a sempai.ö she said snickering a little. Akira flushed with annoyance and embarrassment.

ôYour evilàö

ôAw donÆt be that way Akira-chan. itÆs only for the afternoon, now come on I need you to show me where you found those.ö

ôHmph fine.ö sighing a little she moved her bag over to her bed. Misora set about emptying out a small bag though her attention was on her pint sized roommate.

ôYou know you probably shouldnÆt be running around barefoot.ö

ôWell it wasnÆt like I had a full wardrobe to choose from.ö

ôSpeaking of which what are you wearing, itÆs cute on you.ö

ôYue AyaseÆs dress, itÆs the best thing I could find in the lockers.ö Akira admitted with a slight flush.

ôOh how the mighty have fallen.ö The mage said with a smirk as she slipped her shoes on. The swimmer passed her an annoyed look, which only sparked a bit of chuckles.

ôLetÆs just hurry up, IÆd rather just get this over with.ö Misora held the door passing an amused look.

ôWhatÆs the magic word?ö

ôWhat? Come on can we stop fooling around?ö she frowned at Misora Æs smirk. Her roommate wasnÆt budging. ôPlease open the door?ö

ôNow thatÆs not a good tone when talking to your sempai. Try again.ö her words were patient and held a slight air of superiority to it. Akira did her best to keep coolheaded, her roommate was having a little too much fun with this situation.

ôPlease open the door Misora-sempai.ö she muttered.

ôMuch better.ö the mage opened the door and let the swimmer through first following shortly after. ôNow was that so hard?ö she asked ruffling the girl's hair repressing her urge to start laughing at the stink eye she received.

ôJust you wait until this is wears off.ö

end snippet

EDIT - NAME FIX (IE the I should sleep more before writing edit)

It's never stated who her roommate in in canon (it's likely Yuna but well, Yuna with age deceiving pills is far too dangerous to picture) so I choose Misora another one of the more sport girls even though she's more associated with the church. Akira learns of magics existence and being the observant person she is is likely going to notice the other things out of place... Misora is the main catalyst for a while in getting akira into her child form (channeling the mischievous prank spirit) and she'll have a whole jar to work with... should be enough to dig Akira into a deep enough hole.
 
#16
"Misato" should be "Misora," "Modoka" should be "Madoka," and unless you're throwing in an OC, "Sakai" should be "Shakti."
 

Ryogas_BF

Well-Known Member
#17
permanent elegy said:
"Misato" should be "Misora," "Modoka" should be "Madoka," and unless you're throwing in an OC, "Sakai" should be "Shakti."
-_- well... that was a fubar...

I'll fix that when I get home

Edit - FIXED
 

windfalcon

Well-Known Member
#18
Since Akira is Misora's roommate in this, there'd be no doubt that she would know Sister Shakti's name, though how well is unknown. Misora seems like a complainer, so she would know Shakti's name quite well, if not Coco's too. Akira seems a little too accepting of magic at this point.. a bit more shock would be nice. Add to that Misora's ready admittance of magic and being a mage and you have yourself a recipe for disaster.

Misora is a trickster, not to mention most likely sworn not to reveal herself as a mage under any circumstances unless very dire. As such... I see her lying about it. Akira's in a state where she'd accept anything, so some nonsense sci-fi explaination, possibly blaming Chao and Hakase, might be better. Perhaps mention of experiments and the like, while at the same time trying her best to keep Akira from confronting the geniuses.

... or something like that. As it is.. it seems too... accepting. Still, nicely written, and you captured the cheerleaders nicely.
 

Ryogas_BF

Well-Known Member
#19
Hello everyone out there.

I have been thinking a lot on my ideas lately, though I've been hampered by my computer breaking down and I have been moving... but during my furniture moving I got a new idea. A way to take the general concept of this story and weave it into a more complete idea (I kinda just jumped in without thinking of it much for this). When I eventually have the time to get a snippet down it will likely be in a new thread... I'm sorry but Akira will not be the main character, I'm still having issues finding a good place to use her, possibly in Games We Play hm...

Hopefully I'll have something up soon but it's unlikely until I get my computer back.
 

dan27

Well-Known Member
#20
In a way akira is something of a konoka with more curves and toned atletic body
 

Nanya

Well-Known Member
#22
and in a way, you're feeding the troll.

*Gives zeebee more troll feed.*
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#23
Unfortunately, adding poison to troll feed is not one of my many skills.
 
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