Akamatsuverse A Plight of Fancy

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#26
I knew my grammar was bad, but wow...
sooooo glad I went the math and sciences route in school XD

I'll add those changes to the main document.

Thanks again TW, I really appreciate your support on this story.

I'll graciously take you up on that offer if it's still available, I'd love to get a feel on what it would look like.
 

ThreadWeaver

Beware of Dog. Cat not trustworthy either.
#27
EagleCeres said:
I knew my grammar was bad, but wow...
sooooo glad I went the math and sciences route in school XD

I'll add those changes to the main document.

Thanks again TW, I really appreciate your support on this story.

I'll graciously take you up on that offer if it's still available, I'd love to get a feel on what it would look like.
Honestly, you're not bad at it, you just don't have a feel for the punctuation for the flow of the dialogue. The best way to learn is to read a bunch of production quality fiction books and just read it for the composition, not the content. It can be kind of dry to actually pay more attention to the grammar of a good story rather than the story itself, but it's a place to start and learn.

Honestly, I didn't change much, I just changed some punctuation and sentence breaks and the like. as I said, it essentially the same. This is how I would edit it:

"I should have just kept my mouth shut," commented the young man as he looked at himself in a full length mirror. His smart reflection in the mirror mimicked his fidgeting motions.

"Is everything alright, Keitaro-sama?" came a reply from a young lady in a form fitted suit checking last minute alterations to the young man's attire. "If need be, we can call back the tailor to redo the pants if they are too tight".

"No, no... everything is okay, Stella-san," he responded with a slightly nervous tone to the steward of the Kanzaki heiress. "Just thinking out loud," he added with a chuckle.

The female butler only nodded in response as she continued to take care of other last minute details for the event that the mistress who employed her and her chosen companion would be attending this evening.

Going through his memories of his talk with Himawari earlier that same day, Keitaro felt he may have rushed to volunteer himself in escorting his newly re-instated friend that evening to a black tie event, which her father had insisted her attendance was mandatory.

Keitaro smiled as he fiddled with a tie that just wouldn't stay properly in place. "I apologize for having you arrange this get up for me on such short notice."

"That's quite alright, Keitaro-sama... Ojou-sama often has more complicated last minute requests." Looking back to him, she noticed his crooked neck piece and barely stifled a giggle.

"I told you, you don't need to use -sama when addressing me, Stella-san," he answered back with a mock serious tone.

"Nonsense Keitaro-sama." The attractive servant walked over to the young archaeologist and fixed his tie for him with a placid smile. "Besides, that courtesy is reserved for Himawari-sama, now that she's back in your good graces."

"While I do admit that we did have a falling out..." he paused to find the right words to explain to himself why he got himself into this not uncomfortable situation, "I guess we both needed some time away from each other, and grow up."

Stella nodded, remembering when her charge was younger and even more impulsive. However, she could not resist and the urge to tease the young man that had never gone away from her mistress' heart. "That might be a reason... then again, people do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder," she finished with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

'Or go yonder,' Keitaro added mentally, momentarily getting the feeling that he was ignoring something, or someone.

"Anyhow, I'm glad that Ojou-sama will be escorted by a very dashing gentleman tonight, Keitaro-sama," she continued as she placed what appeared to be a small retractable baton onto his hands, seemingly unfazed by his lack of response.

"Huh?" Keitaro responded as he felt the item. "What's this?"

"Something extra I thought you might need if things get rough," she explained while pointing out how to deploy and retract the tool. "Ojou-sama and a group of her peers often escape these events after midnight and head out to local bars and pubs.á Regretfully, they tend to attract some... unsavory characters once in a while."

"Ahh... gotcha." The Urashima heir felt a little prouder of himself as the steward had trusted him enough to have charged him with protecting his friend in case of emergency.

"Feel free to whack any annoying wannabe suitor that gets too close to her also." She offered a playful if feral grin toward him. "God knows how much Ojou-sama hates when they get a little too fresh with her."

"Wait... suitors?" He was keenly aware of other guys interested in and hitting on Himawari, as weeks ago one of his smoother Frat-brothers had once tried one of his best pick up lines at a school function they had attended.á Said Frat-brother's "hook up" streak crashed and burned when she flat out ignored him just to proceed and glomp onto Keitaro, regaling her prey with her own brand of Public Display of Affection.

She directed a serious if formal glance at him, he could almost see a plea in her eyes. "Did you think a beautiful maiden of her social stature had not piqued the interests of other families... or their unwed males?"

"So... are you asking me to be more than a friend-slash-bodyguard to her?" he queried as he returned the serious look.

"It's not my place to ask you to make that decision," she responded while she shifted uncomfortably, "but as a her personal steward, I would be greatly relieved if you would... defend her honor."

"Don't worry Stella-san," he sighed in relief, finally understanding her words and remembering his earlier concession to Himawari, then sharing a knowing smile. "I've been told many times I'm the type of guy that goes out on a limb for his friends."

"Thank you Keitaro-sa--" she was interrupted by the room's phone ringing, then her charge's frantic voice on the speakerphone.

"Steeeeelllaaaaa! heeeeelp! I can't find my lucky eeeeearriiiiings!"

"Go ahead and take care of that delicate flower, Stella-san," he chuckled at his friend's best spoiled brat tone on the phone. "She seems to need the help more than I do right now."

The young steward looked to the young archaologist and offered a formal and thankful bow before heading off to attend the young heiress' needs.

'I really, REALLY need to learn to keep my mouth shut!'
Hope this helps some. If anyone sees something wrong with this, let me know so I don't propagate bad info.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#28
Thanks for the great edit job TW.

I'll admit, it took me a while to see the differences, but I understand a little better about the pacing you spoke about; I really appreciate the better wording and pacing/spacing used where you applied changes.

I'm getting sorely tempted to pester you more for your support on this story :p

I'll see what I can cook up to close up the chapter.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#29
belayed Double post go!

anyway... the muse walked up to me and showed me some love.
As always, my apologies for the elipsis (...) abuse/errors in spelling and the humble request to shoot it full of holes!
<hr>
The sun had set hours before the couple arrived at the event that evening. A light breeze swayed branches of nearby palm trees, but it wasn't strong enough to deter the attendants from showing up at the soiree.

The evening had been quite busy being introduced to many members of the higher echelons of academia, public office and private corporations. He could have sworn he saw a few of his favorite Hollywood celebrities, but he was glad that neither they, nor Himawari met up to chat; else he would have broken his quiet demeanor, which currently came off as formal if not stoic, compared to the social butterfly that he was escorting that evening.

Whenever someone came up to the Kanzaki heiress and her companion, she would present him as a long time friend and confidant. While the title was not completely off base, he would sometimes act a little more zealous toward her, particularly around other men that seemed to linger about her a little too long. 'Stella-san wasn't off one bit with her comments about Himawari's popularity.'

"All Hail the Conquering Hero" rang a dramatic soprano voice with a slightly teasing lilt, which immediately garnered the couple's attention. The voice belonging to a mature blonde woman with curls in ringlets draping over her shoulders and framing her face. A healthy and elegant dame, very much what one would expect Himawari would look in a couple of decades or so.

"Mo-ther!" Himawari responded, both sounding embarrassed and proud at the statement that was lobbed in her general direction.

"Oh hush dear!, I'm just giving credit where credit is due" the lady in question, touched an expensive looking fan to her lips before directing her gaze at her daughter's date. "Ohohohohoà If it isn't young Keitaro Urashima, I am politely surprised to see my daughter's childhood friend make such a triumphant return to high society."

"Ka-Karin-sama, it's a pleasure to see you again after so many years." He greeted the Kanzaki mother, remembering their last meeting years ago at his 'breakup' with her daughter. Hoping she would not make a scene about his attendance that evening. 'I'm doomedà there went what little social standing I had.'

"Let me take a good look at you young manà I did not expect you to grow up so handsome" she eyed him carefully, seemingly taking in not just the cut of his suit, but the overall image he presented "or to be so successful. I hear congratulations are in orderà Mister TouDai student."

"Ah! Th-thank you, Karin-sama. I guess I finally made good on that promise" he blushed but couldn't think of anything else to say, hoping she would be mollified with what he had become.

"Still ever the shy one, huh?" a purposeful and almost evil grin spread across her lips as she walked over to the nervous and linked arms with him. "I believe I will borrow your date for a bit sweetie, for tonight Karin Kanzaki shall dance."

"Mouuuà don't hog him all night Mother, Papa might get jealous!" fumed the heiress, feeling gypped as her mother walked away with her friend and date for the evening.

"But sweetie, you KNOW that is EXACTLY why I do it!" shot back the elder Kanzaki with a jubilant laugh.

Once on the dance floor, they danced arm in arm in silence while Keitaro gathered his courage and thoughts, as to what to talk about with the elder Kanzaki woman.
As the current song slowed down, he started "Um, Karin-sa--"

"Okaa-samaà" she quickly cut off before he properly began "you are almost part of the family, Keitaro-kun. Don't be so formal and stuffy!"

Keitaro couldn't help but groan at her response, but waited until she allowed him to speak as they continued to dance to a slow waltz played by the musicians. 'I'm definitely not going to get a word in edgewise, might as well face the musicà'

"The fact that you are here with her, only means you two decided to working your issues" her serious tone calming his doubts about Himawari's family, and for that I'm thankful you let her back into your life."

He was expecting to get an earful, about how he had let her little princess down or how he had ran away from the heiress. The cordial and frank words were refreshing and very welcome to him.

"She took the separation very hard back then, but it was a bitter pill that needed to be swallowed" she kept his attention with her admissions as the band continued with another song "but, now you're back and she seems happier than ever."

As Keitaro was about to reply, he felt a tap at his shoulder. He stopped dancing as they looked to a gentleman older than him, Himawari's father if memory served right. After a few pleasantries and an almost extorted promise to visit the Kanzaki family home, he presented the young Archaeologist with his daughter and took his wife back to continue dancing.

"Make sure to have our princess back at her tower before to late, Keitaro-kun!" mentioned the elder Kanzaki woman, eliciting the groan from the young couple; then before her husband whisked her away she followed up with a parting shot "But know that you have our blessing if you intend to steal her away to your castle."

"Mo-ther!" cried the younger Kanzaki woman, embarrassed at the public teasing by her mother.

Her date on the other hand, smiled and decided to go with the flow and return volley at the elegant Kanzaki elder "We'll get back to you on that last one, Okaa-sama!"

"Kei-Keitaro!" her shocked response was all she was allowed to comment before her date for the evening decided to give his good friend a night she wouldnÆt soon forget.
<hr>
He had been awake for the past thirty minutes or so, taking stock of the unfamiliar ceiling and trying to make heads and/or tails of his alcohol laced fragmented memories of the night prior... and the very healthy young lady holding him not unlike a child would an over-sized teddy bear.

"Could someone please turn off that light?" came a voice belonging to the head of blonde curls nuzzling against his chest "people are trying to sleep here."

"Can't turn off the sun, 'Mawari" replied his slightly parched voice.
That earned him a sweet snicker followed by a languid hug from his bed mate ''remind me to buy black out drapes next time, Sunshine"

"Part of me is already regretting saying this but... why aren't I on the floor, another room or my frat house porch?"

"Because you're comfy!" she snuggled into him a little more "besides, Stella will be bringing in a hangover remedy once she notices were not snoring"

"I'm pretty sure we both have some questions racing through our minds right now so, ladies first"

"Knowing Mother, she probably ordered Stella to keep us locked in here while we were mostly drunk, she's probably expecting us to need a priest by now... disappointed we didn't go at each other like rabbits?"

"Glad we didn't..." stopping his response as he noticed her slightly hurt reaction "it would have been a shame to have been too drunk to remember my first time, especially with a beautiful young woman"

"Flattery will get you everywhere with me Keitaro... speaking of which" grinning at him saucily "are you really this healthy or are you just that happy to see me first thing in the morning?"

"Healthy, although that 'Property of UCLA Athletic Department' t-shirt isn't helping one bit..." he responded with a blush normally seen on a cherry tomato
She beamed proudly at getting a rise out of him, then sighing as she went back to a more serious tone "might as well get the obvious one out of the way... are we married?"

"Unless this isn't your room, I don't remember anyone saying anything about going to Vegas last night; so I'll hazard it and sayà no" he snickered at a barely audible jeer he got from her "should I be worrying about and/or preparing myself for a shotgun wedding?"

She took her time to respond "As much as I loathe to admit it, Yes; I'm still a maiden, and you ensured my chastity was well guarded all nightà even from myself" she snickered and poked him in the chest teasingly "I thought you hated fighting, where did you learn how to fight?"

"Seta-sensei's been drilling me on some Jeet-Kune-Do during our down time at dig sites the past year or so... he says it's good to know a little self defense" as memories from the past night started filtering in he remembered drinks, lots of them "just how much alcohol did we put away?"

"We barely touched the wine at the soiree, but we really cut loose with the hard liquor at the after party, although we stopped by the time we got to that bar on the Sunset Boulevard..." fondly remembering how doting and zealous her 'boyfriend' acted all night "where did you learn to hold your liquor?"

"I have a friend that's been educating/drinking me under the table the past couple of years" a few stray memories of wild parties at the Hinata Dorm came up, with a certain platinum haired vixen waking up next to him in similar situations to his current.

"What about using that broken pool cue like a makeshift Katana? I didn't know you took up Kendo." the memory of bar room brawl and how he made sure she came out unharmed became very present and very meaningful.

"I'm not really a student, but I've picked up a few moves." fondly remembering a duel or two with a raven haired swords-woman, then he caught himself from proceeding. "Hey! it was my turn to ask a question!"

"Oh! Come on..." she whined cutely as she nuzzled into his shoulder "you make your time away from me sound so much more interesting and exciting, Archaeologist-san!"

"I'm not gonna give ALL my secrets away, you know..." he winked back at her before deciding addressing one concern he had been nursing since their meet up with her mother the previous night. "Did you mind me acting like a jealous boyfriend last night?"

"Mind? Silly... I LOVED it!" she snuggled into his chest a little more hiding a deep blush on her cheeks 'It's things like this that make me wish you really wanted to be my boyfriend.'

An hour later and after various questions had been answered, the unresolved-slash-ambiguous couple decided to go out on a picnic and enjoy each otherÆs company for what was left of the weekend.
<hr>
Toward the early evening, as she drove him to his Frat house, she made small talk and waited patiently for the right moment to ensure most of his frat brothers had seen them. At the moment he was about to head in for the night, she decided to send her beloved off with a searing kiss good night before driving off.

Once the shock wore off, he was assailed by his rowdy frat brothers, pestering him for all juicy gossip about his ælegendary weekend rendezvous with his girlfriendÆ. Being the gentleman he was he would, halfheartedly, contest that claim until the end of semester and day he left for his homeland.

All in all it had been a good weekend to be Keitaro Urashima.
 

Orz

Well-Known Member
#30
Only really mentioning it because it jarred me out of my pleasant reading haze:

although we stopped by the time we got to that bar on the sunset blvd..."
"blvd" is an abbreviation, and using abbreviations in dialogue is awkward most, if not all, of the time. So, "boulevard" instead, please.

Also, Sunset Boulevard is a place (and a movie!) so my first thought when you mentioned it was the place. And if it was a place, it'd need to be capitalized.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#31
Thanks for catching that one Orz! (fixed!)

I meant it as a reference to "some bar on that street/avenue/Blvd".
But still... proper spelling!
 

ThreadWeaver

Beware of Dog. Cat not trustworthy either.
#32
EagleCeres said:
The sun had set hours before the couple arrived at the event that evening. A light breeze swayed branches of nearby palm trees, but it wasn't strong enough to deter the attendants from showing up at the soiree.

The evening had been quite busy being introduced to many members of the higher echelons of academia, public office and private corporations. He could have sworn he saw a few of his favorite Hollywood celebrities, but he was glad that neither they, nor Himawari met up to chat; else he would have broken his quiet demeanor, which currently came off as formal if not stoic, compared to the social butterfly that he was escorting that evening.

Whenever someone came up to the Kanzaki heiress and her companion, she would present him as a long time friend and confidant. While the title was not completely off base, he would sometimes act a little more zealous toward her, particularly around other men that seemed to linger about her a little too long. 'Stella-san wasn't off one bit with her comments about Himawari's popularity.'

"All Hail the Conquering Hero!" rang a dramatic soprano voice with a slightly teasing lilt, which immediately garnered the couple's attention. The voice belonging to a mature blonde woman with curls in ringlets draping over her shoulders and framing her face. A healthy and elegant dame, very much what one would expect Himawari would look in a couple of decades or so.

"Mo-ther!" Himawari responded, both sounding embarrassed and proud at the statement that was lobbed in her general direction.

"Oh hush dear!, I'm just giving credit where credit is due." The lady in question, touched an expensive looking fan to her lips before directing her gaze at her daughter's date. "Ohohohohoà If it isn't young Keitaro Urashima, I am politely surprised to see my daughter's childhood friend make such a triumphant return to high society."

"Ka-Karin-sama, it's a pleasure to see you again after so many years." He greeted the Kanzaki mother, remembering their last meeting years ago at his 'breakup' with her daughter. Hoping she would not make a scene about his attendance that evening. 'I'm doomed! There went what little social standing I had.'

"Let me take a good look at you young manà I did not expect you to grow up so handsome." She eyed him carefully, seemingly taking in not just the cut of his suit, but the overall image he presented, "or to be so successful. I hear congratulations are in orderà Mister TouDai student."

"Ah! Th-thank you, Karin-sama. I guess I finally made good on that promise." He blushed but couldn't think of anything else to say, hoping she would be mollified with what he had become.

"Still ever the shy one, huh?" A purposeful and almost evil grin spread across her lips as she walked over to the nervous and linked arms with him. "I believe I will borrow your date for a bit sweetie, for tonight Karin Kanzaki shall dance."

"Mouuuà don't hog him all night Mother, Papa might get jealous!" fumed the heiress, feeling gypped as her mother walked away with her friend and date for the evening.

"But sweetie, you KNOW that is EXACTLY why I do it!" shot back the elder Kanzaki with a jubilant laugh.

Once on the dance floor, they danced arm in arm in silence while Keitaro gathered his courage and thoughts, as to what to talk about with the elder Kanzaki woman.

As the current song slowed down, he started, "Um, Karin-sa--"

"Okaa-sama," she quickly cut off before he properly began, "you are almost part of the family, Keitaro-kun. Don't be so formal and stuffy!"

Keitaro couldn't help but groan at her response, but waited until she allowed him to speak as they continued to dance to a slow waltz played by the musicians. 'I'm definitely not going to get a word in edgewise, might as well face the musicà'

"The fact that you are here with her, only means you two decided to working your issues,"á her serious tone calmed his doubts about Himawari's family, "and for that I'm thankful you let her back into your life."

He was expecting to get an earful, about how he had let her little princess down or how he had ran away from the heiress. The cordial and frank words were refreshing and very welcome to him.

"She took the separation very hard back then, but it was a bitter pill that needed to be swallowed," she kept his attention with her admissions as the band continued with another song, "but, now you're back and she seems happier than ever."

As Keitaro was about to reply, he felt a tap at his shoulder. He stopped dancing as they looked to a gentleman older than him, Himawari's father if memory served right. After a few pleasantries and an almost extorted promise to visit the Kanzaki family home, he presented the young Archaeologist with his daughter and took his wife back to continue dancing.

"Make sure to have our princess back at her tower before to late, Keitaro-kun!" admonished the elder Kanzaki woman, eliciting the groan from the young couple.á Just before her husband whisked her away she followed up with a parting shot, "But know that you have our blessing if you intend to steal her away to your castle."

"Mo-ther!" cried the younger Kanzaki woman, embarrassed at the public teasing by her mother.

Her date on the other hand, smiled and decided to go with the flow and return volley at the elegant Kanzaki elder, "We'll get back to you on that last one, Okaa-sama!"

"Kei-Keitaro!" her shocked response was all she was allowed to comment before her date for the evening decided to give his good friend a night she wouldnÆt soon forget.
<hr>
He had been awake for the past thirty minutes or so, taking stock of the unfamiliar ceiling and trying to make heads and/or tails of his alcohol laced fragmented memories of the night prior... and the very healthy young lady holding him not unlike a child would an over-sized teddy bear.

"Could someone please turn off that light?" inquired a voice belonging to the head of blonde curls nuzzling against his chest. "People are trying to sleep here."

"Can't turn off the sun, 'Mawari," replied his slightly parched voice.á That earned him a sweet snicker followed by a languid hug from his bed mate. ''Remind me to buy black out drapes next time, Sunshine.

"Part of me is already regretting saying this but... why aren't I on the floor, another room or my frat house porch?"

"Because you're comfy!" She snuggled into him a little more. "Besides, Stella will be bringing in a hangover remedy once she notices we're not snoring."

"I'm pretty sure we both have some questions racing through our minds right now so, ladies first."

"Knowing Mother, she probably ordered Stella to keep us locked in here while we were mostly drunk.á She's probably expecting us to need a priest by now... disappointed we didn't go at each other like rabbits?"

"Glad we didn't--" he aborted his response as he noticed her slightly hurt reaction. "It would have been a shame to have been too drunk to remember my first time, especially with a beautiful young woman."

"Flattery will get you everywhere with me Keitaro... speaking of which," she smirked at him saucily, "are you really this healthy or are you just that happy to see me first thing in the morning?"

"Healthy, although that 'Property of UCLA Athletic Department' t-shirt isn't helping one bit..." he responded with a blush normally seen on a cherry tomato.

She beamed proudly at getting a rise out of him, then sighing as she went back to a more serious tone, "Might as well get the obvious one out of the way... are we married?"

"Unless this isn't your room, I don't remember anyone saying anything about going to Vegas last night, so I'll hazard it and sayà no." He snickered at a barely audible jeer he got from her. "Should I be worrying about and/or preparing myself for a shotgun wedding?"

She took her time to respond, "As much as I loathe to admit it, Yes; I'm still a maiden, and you ensured that my chastity was well guarded all nightà even from myself." She snickered and poked him in the chest teasingly, "I thought you hated fighting, where did you learn how to fight?"

"Seta-sensei's been drilling me on some Jeet-Kune-Do during our down time at dig sites the past year or so... he says it's good to know a little self defense." As memories from the past night started filtering in, he remembered drinks. Lots of them. "Just how much alcohol did we put away?"

"We barely touched the wine at the soiree, but we really cut loose with the hard liquor at the after party, although we stopped by the time we got to that bar on the Sunset Boulevard..." She trailed off as she fondly remembered how doting and zealous her 'boyfriend' acted all night. "Where did you learn to hold your liquor?"

"I have a friend that's been educating/drinking me under the table the past couple of years." A few stray memories of wild parties at the Hinata Dorm came up, with a certain platinum haired vixen waking up next to him in similar situations to his current.

"What about using that broken pool cue like a makeshift Katana? I didn't know you took up Kendo." Her memory of bar room brawl and how he made sure she came out unharmed became very present and very meaningful.

"I'm not really a student, but I've picked up a few moves." His fond reminiscing led him to remembering a duel or two with a raven haired swords-woman, then he caught himself from proceeding. "Hey! it was my turn to ask a question!"

"Oh, Come on!" she whined cutely as she nuzzled into his shoulder. "You make your time away from me sound so much more interesting and exciting, Archaeologist-san!"

"I'm not gonna give ALL my secrets away, you know..." he said with a wink back at her before deciding addressing one concern he had been nursing since their meet-up with her mother the previous night. "Did you mind me acting like a jealous boyfriend last night?"

"Mind? Silly... I LOVED it!" She snuggled into his chest a little more hiding a deep blush on her cheeks 'It's things like this that make me wish you really wanted to be my boyfriend.'

An hour later and after various questions had been answered, the unresolved-slash-ambiguous couple decided to go out on a picnic and enjoy each other's company for what was left of the weekend.á
<hr>
Toward the early evening, as she drove him to his Frat house, she made small talk and waited patiently for the right moment to ensure most of his frat brothers had seen them. At the moment he was about to head in for the night, she decided to send her beloved off with a searing kiss good night before driving away, leaving him dumbstruck.

Once the shock wore off, he was assailed by his rowdy frat brothers, pestering him for all juicy gossip about his ælegendary weekend rendezvous with his girlfriendÆ. Being the gentleman he was he would, halfheartedly, contest that claim until the end of semester and day he left for his homeland.

All in all it had been a good weekend to be Keitaro Urashima.

Editor's Note: It's good to be the king!
Busy week. Sorry for not getting this done sooner.

Alas, the "price" of free help... :snigger: :snigger:

One note is that you're using too many ellipsis... For casual conversation, it's fine... But, In writing, trailing off all the time can be problematic...

One note here on dialogue:
"Can't turn off the sun, 'Mawari," replied his slightly parched voice.
That earned him a sweet snicker followed by a languid hug from his bed mate. ''Remind me to buy black out drapes next time, Sunshine.

"Part of me is already regretting saying this but... why aren't I on the floor, another room or my frat house porch?"
This is something that bitch-slapped me a few years ago (when I was proofreading some of Innortal's stuff I believe) and I learned the hard way. Notice I removed the quotes from the end of the first paragraph? It was intentional. When you are continuing a single character's dialogue, but are changing the topic of what he's saying, you start a new paragraph but don't close the prior quotes. That tells the reader that the speaker isn't done yet and that the next quote is still the same speaker. Yes, the next dialogue still opens with a quote, otherwise you won't know that someone's talking as opposed to explanation text.

If you close a dialogue quote, and start a new paragraph, it's safe to assume that it's a different speaker, unless told otherwise in the descriptive text. One caveat to this: if you do it too much without telling the readers who's doing the talking, they will get lost or irritated that they have to go back and try to figure it out. You also can't omit descriptive text if there's more than two people talking in the scene at once, because you won't know who's doing the talking at any given time. This isn't a problem you have, but as long as I was explaining it, I had to finish.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#33
Huge huge HUGE thanks on the edit TW

My deepest apologies for the wall of text, something tells me I should have split it in two posts, but I couldn't help myself and post the 2nd half of the chapter in one upload.

Ah yes, the Ellipsis (...), my most trusted (and almost subconscious) writing crutch <_<

No worries on delay in going through it with a fine tooth comb, as it is it took me quite a while (the better part of 2-3 weeks) to hammer out the scene with Karin and then fill in (some of) the details of the morning after.

I've noticed I have a strong tendency to write more dialog than descriptive scenes. As you've probably observed within the past three chapters, most of those scenes tend to be back and forth dialog with (some) interspersed descriptors focused mostly on what the characters are doing and not so much on the scenery and/or location.

I'm weary that my writing style might be a little too wordy when it comes to dialog and not descriptive enough when "setting up the stage" for all the scenes, is that a weird concern?


Otherwise, I'd still appreciate some extra feedback before posting this up.
I'm somewhat debating those closing paragraphs, something tells me it kinda feels as if I (abruptly) changed my writing style just to rush the chapter to a close, compared to the other scenes or how the previous two chapters ended.


And YES... I will leave that editor's note just for the lulz :p
 

ThreadWeaver

Beware of Dog. Cat not trustworthy either.
#34
My deepest apologies for the wall of text, something tells me I should have split it in two posts, but I couldn't help myself and post the 2nd half of the chapter in one upload.
That's not a wall-O-text, dude. It only looks that way in my reply quote. You're okay.

Don't worry, ellipsis are my kryptonite in casual typing too, so I understand. That's why I pointed them out.

I'm weary that my writing style might be a little too wordy when it comes to dialog and not descriptive enough when "setting up the stage" for all the scenes, is that a weird concern?
It's a valid concern, but not one that I see you having a problem with yet. This is the beauty of fanfiction: the world is set up and described for you. Most people reading the story will be familiar with the setting so it requires less narrative to explain the scenes. Remember the old adage "A picture is worth a thousand words." However, if you deviate from canon, introducing new characters or locations, then you as the writer have to tell the reader about them if you think they're important, otherwise the readers will fill in for themselves based on their own experience. This is one of the writer's dilemmas: "How in depth do I describe a scene without going overboard and boring the piss out of my readers?" Think of it this way: When I say, "I'm looking at a shoreline of trees," what comes to mind? Ocean? Lake? What kind of trees? For me, who likes Northern Minnesota, I think of a lake with mixed pine and deciduous such as maples. Someone in Southern Minnesota would think of a river or lake shore with all deciduous like oaks, maples and ash. Someone else may think of a tropical shoreline on the ocean with mostly palms. The key is, is it important to your scene? If it's out of ordinary for the setting, or a new setting, and plays a part in the visualization, then you need to include it.

The excess is mitigated with us, your test audience, here at TFF, just as prof. authors have proofreaders. So far, as I said, it's not been an issue for me. You did fine on explaining Himawari's background so that even those who hadn't seen Maburaho could get a picture of her, and that was your only real new introduction (other than her family). The Uni in the U.S. wasn't enough of an important location to warrant a lot of narrative so that was fine too.

It all comes down to writing style. Some people use more dialogue, some more narrative. For example:
The excited teen bounced almost dangerously in her seat as she looked along the lakeshore from her boat, taking in the sights of the bright colored leaves of late fall mixed in with the stately greens of the winter trees.
Or:
"Stop bouncing in your seat, Tara! If you fall in the lake, you'll freeze since the water's cold this time of year!"
"Oh wow!á Look at all the bright colors on the trees!á And they're dotted with those green pines! So Cool!"
They both say the same thing, one with all dialogue, the other with narrative. Which you choose is up to you. As long as you're getting the point across you want to make, it's all good. Just remember, we're not you. If you have a visualization you want to share or think something might be misinterpreted, then you need to describe it to us, either via dialogue or narrative.

The closing paragraphs do seem just a little bit... truncated. I read them and said to myself, "There's a little something missing..." But I didn't know what to offer at the time. This is what I came up with as a suggestion:

An hour later and after various questions had been answered, the unresolved-slash-ambiguous couple decided to go out on a picnic and enjoy each other's company for what was left of the weekend.á

Keitaro enjoyed himself immensely for the entire afternoon on the hill overlooking the California coastline, which somewhat surprised him.á He had half-expected her to be all over him, but she held herself back and was the picture of the perfect girlfriend.

Himawari would never tell him how much she was holding herself back, for that very effect, with results that made her happier than she had felt in a long while as they watched the sun set into the ocean together.

I guess not all guys like women throwing themselves at them...áá
<hr>
It provides a segue to the next short scene at least and shows that she can learn from her mistakes. They ARE still in CA, right? *scratches head* Damn I hate brain farts.

As for the Ed note: It popped into my head when I read that and couldn't resist. Damn you Mel Brooks!
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#35
Yeah, Himawari was pretty much the only character being introduced proper, since the plan is for her to eventually interact with the Hina Girls, not just Kei.

The people at the Uni, particularly the Frat Brothers, were just supposed to be temp characters. If anything they might get a mention in future chapters, possibly the girls finding a picture of Kei being a party animal/Mr. Popularity with Himawari and/or his Frat Crew in tow.

Solid segue piece at the end there, I'll make sure to add it to the final draft.

And yes, they're still in California. But now I gotta start thinking about moving the story back to Kanagawa where Chaos, Anarchy and Bananas are the norm. :p

And about the Mel Brooks reference, don't worry... my Disclaimer has a nod to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. :rofl:
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#36
@EagleCeres,

:eek:

THIS is one read of a story! Thoroughly enjoying it here. For some reason, I got mixed up with another plot bunny of yours - one where Keitaro wakes up from amnesia and finds himself married.

I jumped straight into the second (or third) chapter and got thoroughly confused with things. Then, I had to go back and read things from the beginning when I realized the mistake.

Again, plot wise, I'm enjoying this and really curious to see where you'll go with it.

Punctuation/Grammar wise, I have a lot of issues. But primary one is this,

<goes back to copy-paste>

... what the? :huh: It looks like my browser is acting up. I could have sworn that there were some really weird symbols mixed in the story 30 mins ago - distracted me A LOT.

Out of curiosity, what document editor do you use? MS word? Any chance I could convince you to try out google docs? I find it a LOT more easier to point things out in it. (And you should know as well !)

-chronodekar
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#37
Thought I had replied to this earlier, oh well...

@Chrono

Thanks for the comment, it's more encouraging than most of the reviews on FFN.

I just hope Ordo's not pissed at how far outside the rails I went, when took his original idea and ran with it :snigger:

The other story (renamed it to Dreaming Out Loud), that one's mostly on FFN, haven't had much inspiration on that one lately; I expect it to be a far rougher read as I'm flying blind on that one without a beta and/or editor. While I have ideas on where to steer it, the Muse hasn't inspired me to crunch out at least another 1000 more words to release the following chapter.

Grammar isn't my forte either, but as TW recommended, I've been reading more (Fics and Pro-writers) and (slowly but surely) getting better clues so as to not drop the ball as much. Although I know I still have too many bad writing habits, I'm hoping they'll be addressed in due time.

As for Google Docs, I've tried it before, but it ended up as an alternative to carting around a usb flash drive with the most up to date draft. I like the app's ability to add notes, but I feel that posting the beta advances/scenes on here helps me get a better feel from all of the readers here that offer their C&C, Peanut Gallery/Omake Theatre Ideas and general edits to make it a better read overall.

I use a weird mix of Notepad for brainstorming scenes and general tones for the characters for the corresponding chapter; then jump over to Wordpad to flesh out scenes and building paragraphs/dialogues proper. I tend to finish up on Word more for spelling, formatting and some grammar on the chapter "master" doc, before posting the betas on here and hoping my grammar isn't too attrocious :p
 
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