Naruto Burnout

Z

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#26
#26
This is where Fosfor resides.

<a href='http://s3.zetaboards.com/FanFictionFederation/forum/3007630/' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>http://s3.zetaboards.com/FanFictionFederation/forum/3007630/</a>

Granted, he hardly ever posts there, but he hardly ever posts anywhere.

As for the fic, the destruction of Konoha should have been the point when Naruto gained belief that he could bring peace, not when he started burning out. He showed his power, surpassed his mentor, and Konoha had no casualties. His defeat of Pein required no murder on naruto's part. Pein committed suicide.
 
daniel_gudman

daniel_gudman

KING (In Land of Blind)
Staff member
#27
#27
Yeah, but the burnout happened after that.

He had the confidence. He thought, "I can actually do this."

And then literally the entire continent had a war behind his back. His boss--the Hokage--the granny he trusted--deliberately kept him in the dark. Kept him safe, after he just defeated the leader of the organization that had been hunting him for three long years.

So a whole bunch of people died because he let himself be kept safe, and the only thing he could do was kill the other guy.

Yeah, I think this is a really good premise.
 
Z

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
#28
#28
But it was said the burn started when Konoha was destroyed.
 
D

Duncan Hay

Well-Known Member
#29
#29
I've got to agree with Daniel, the seeds were planted with the destruction of Konoha.

If he'd been able to make a difference in the following war, save lives and reduced the casualities then he probably would have recovered his normal optimistic attitude.

He wasn't and the seeds took root.

DBH
 
J

Juopunumies

Well-Known Member
#30
#30
xTwilitSun93x said:
Well, Juopunumies (I finally just had to copy-paste your name, I got it wrong like three times!) she said that it wasn't just a training trip.

That's what she told and explained to everyone. What she's telling him now is the truth. maybe I should make that clearer? ^.^
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Oh yeah, oops; should have figured that out. And yes, Finnish words can be hard to spell.
 
M

Meinos Kaen

Well-Known Member
#31
#31
Juopunumies said:
xTwilitSun93x said:
Well, Juopunumies (I finally just had to copy-paste your name, I got it wrong like three times!) she said that it wasn't just a training trip.

That's what she told and explained to everyone. What she's telling him now is the truth. maybe I should make that clearer? ^.^
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Oh yeah, oops; should have figured that out. And yes, Finnish words can be hard to spell.
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Poor Naruto... I think he needs a loli.
 
D

Da-Guru

Well-Known Member
#32
#32
"Show, don't tell" is an old writing instructor's saying. The reader is far more likely to believe something that they are privy to. So writing out the scenes with full color detail is important, especially during a world building stage or establishing character stage. Anything that is important enough to form the basis of your characterization should be printed out in detail.

You could say that he had a fight with Sakura-chan about leaving. Or you could say, "She found me the day that I was leaving. She wanted to know why I was leaving. She didn't understand. There isn't anything left for me in Konoha, nothing but regrets, anyway. She said, 'You still have me.' She lied. I could only ever be a replacement for.... So I left. I left without saying anything. She probably hates me." Or something like that. Retelling the argument would be even better. But I tend towards a "less is more" attitude towards details.
 
N

Nasuren

Well-Known Member
#33
#33
...Just why DID Fosfor quit?
 
T

thermopyle2

Well-Known Member
#34
#34
Fosfor had some good stuff, it's a shame he yanked it all. Is it still archived anywhere?

As for the fic...it could be good. Hard to say, premise is interesting, but no real content so far.
 
J

jwolf0

Well-Known Member
#35
#35
I like this, it catches my attention because it doesn't go with a lot of the cliches we've seen (or the mindless booze binges/orgies, whatever).

I can give a pass on the "show, don't tell" for now. The Tsunade-Kakashi exposition wasn't too heavy-handed, I thought. Once this continues and isn't so much of a prologue, the story definitely has to show me what's happening and not just say it though.


Oh, and welcome to TFF! You'll catch on to a lot of our in-jokes and traditions soon enough, so don't worry TOO much if you find yourself confused by some of the random things posted here.
 
Prince Charon

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
#36
#36
Its an interesting start, that' I'd like to see more of.
 
H

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#37
#37
Thanks for all the praise and help, I'm glad you all like the idea! :D

Daniel and Duncan have about the measure of the cause of the burnout, if not the full measure- there's also another rather huge reason, that Tsunade didn't mention because everyone did know it. It was just one more thing on top of everything else and finally broke the straw :(

I don't know tff's stance on spoilers like that, should I mention it or just have you guys wait until it comes up in the story?

And Juop (I'm calling you that now. :p) it's not a problem. Out of curiosity, what does your name mean in Finnish?

For the showing thing, what would be the best way to go about it? I was planning on kind of a numb denial when he first walks into Konoha- using the fact that it's not recognizable to sort of pretend it's just some random village he's traveled to.

Then, later, having him sort of break down- maybe as he's about to go to sleep. Add in a few flashbacks?

Would that work? Or is there a better way to do it?

Thanks again for all the help ^.^
 
C

crazylike.A.

Well-Known Member
#38
#38
thermopyle2 said:
Fosfor had some good stuff, it's a shame he yanked it all. Is it still archived anywhere?

As for the fic...it could be good. Hard to say, premise is interesting, but no real content so far.
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<a href='http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showuser=18' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>look at his topics and you'll see his stuff.</a>
 
J

jwolf0

Well-Known Member
#40
#40
-About spoilers: most of us are up to date, so it's probably not a big deal. But for sake, it's a good idea to place the spoiler warning at the beginning ("Note: Includes spoilers for Chapter 4xx" or whatever)


-The "show, don't tell" question you have: We can't answer that for you, not the way you put it. It's more of a storytelling issue as opposed to a plot issue. It's not WHEN are WHERE you reveal things to your audience, it's HOW. Are you letting us get into the flow of the story, or are you just spoon-feeding us so we don't have to pay attention.

Maybe an example would do?

Telling: Kabuto began to stand, cradling his broken arm as he turned to face Naruto again, and in a surprise move, he let go of the arm that he was cradling, which appeared to be perfectly fine now, much to NarutoÆs surprise.

Showing: Kabuto stood, cradling his right arm as he faced Naruto. Smiling slightly, Kabuto used his supposedly-broken arm to adjust his glasses. Naruto couldn't keep the flash of surprise he felt from showing on his face. 'I just broke that arm!'

-About your question of timing on things (breakdown/flashbacks): Without knowing your plot I couldn't say, but I wouldn't force a flashback or whatever in just for the sake of giving the reader information. Don't shoehorn things in, put things in when the story's flow says it's time.
The impression I get of this Naruto is that a breakdown shouldn't come for some time - he seems like he's built up such a shell that it should take some work to let those walls down.

BK: Nah, you can handle the mustache.
 
H

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#41
#41
BlackKyuubi: moustache? huh? :wacko:

Ah, thanks jwolf0. So what you're saying is to basically follow his thoughts as he slowly breaks down, not just say that he is every now and then? That's simple enough. :D

And no, the breakdown won't come for a wile, not until things start hitting a little too close to home. The flashbacks will probably be in the form of nightmares that he'll have as needed.

As for spoilers, I meant story spoilers, not manga spoilers :)

Thanks for the help ^.^
 
B

blackkyuubi

Well-Known Member
#42
#42
It's a tradition that hasn't been seen lately. And I lost the pic and since LordG got rid of his randomizer I can't go to the one place I know it would be.
 
J

Juopunumies

Well-Known Member
#43
#43
xTwilitSun93x said:
And Juop (I'm calling you that now. :p) it's not a problem. Out of curiosity, what does your name mean in Finnish?
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I stuck "juopunut" (inebriated) and "mies" (man) together as a nick, removing the T to make it sound better (to a Finn).
 
da_fox2279

da_fox2279

California Crackpot
#44
#44
First: Welcome to TFF. Try not to mentally break down before your six month trial period.

Second: Interesting premise; fairly written fic; good story. Looking forward to more.

Third: Nice avatar.

Fourth: I also thought someone else was taking up Fosfor's old burnout idea for a moment there... glad to see I was wrong. This show potential.
 
H

Hawk

Well-Known Member
#45
#45
Thanks for explaining, Juop and blackkyuubi :D

I'm glad you liked it, da_fox ^.^

Can someone give me a link to this Burnout by Fosfor that keeps coming up?
 
S

Samurai Jackson

Well-Known Member
#46
#46
Sorry, but it got deleted during Forfor's mass purging last year. It was an idea for a story over in the ideas thread about a powerless Naruto being betrayed and losing everything he ever worked for so he leaves to become a super rich mogul ala Gato. It had an interesting premise but nothing really came of it other than some possible ideas. Funny enough, seems Forfor at least still comes here to lurk since his last log-in date was this afternoon.

Oh and welcome to TFF. Despite all the warnings you've received, this place really isn't that bad. Most of the time. Eh, just lurk in the various talk forums and you'll quickly learn who to avoid to make your time here more enjoyable.
 
F

FinalMax

Well-Known Member
#47
#47
Samurai Jackson said:
Sorry, but it got deleted during Forfor's mass purging last year. It was an idea for a story over in the ideas thread about a powerless Naruto being betrayed and losing everything he ever worked for so he leaves to become a super rich mogul ala Gato. It had an interesting premise but nothing really came of it other than some possible ideas. Funny enough, seems Forfor at least still comes here to lurk since his last log-in date was this afternoon.

Oh and welcome to TFF. Despite all the warnings you've received, this place really isn't that bad. Most of the time. Eh, just lurk in the various talk forums and you'll quickly learn who to avoid to make your time here more enjoyable.
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That was "Art of the Deal" that had the powerless mogul Naruto. Burnout was the loop's end fic, with Naruto and a sex-changing Sasuke doing all kinds of random shit. Like Naruto taking on Kisame and Tsunade with a Darth Vader impersonation.
 
Shirotsume

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#48
#48
FinalMax said:
Samurai Jackson said:
Sorry, but it got deleted during Forfor's mass purging last year. It was an idea for a story over in the ideas thread about a powerless Naruto being betrayed and losing everything he ever worked for so he leaves to become a super rich mogul ala Gato. It had an interesting premise but nothing really came of it other than some possible ideas. Funny enough, seems Forfor at least still comes here to lurk since his last log-in date was this afternoon.

Oh and welcome to TFF. Despite all the warnings you've received, this place really isn't that bad. Most of the time. Eh, just lurk in the various talk forums and you'll quickly learn who to avoid to make your time here more enjoyable.
Click to expand...
That was "Art of the Deal" that had the powerless mogul Naruto. Burnout was the loop's end fic, with Naruto and a sex-changing Sasuke doing all kinds of random shit. Like Naruto taking on Kisame and Tsunade with a Darth Vader impersonation.
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That was Reload that had random debauchery. Burnout was the fic where a mercenary Naruto got thrown into the past into his younger body and used ice techniques.
 
S

shioran toushin

Well-Known Member
#49
#49
burnout was a story with a exiled Naruto, the asshole crazy evil egomaiac formerly known as Sasuke as a hokage dieing and the wimps from konoha searching for Naruto to steal the only(?) thing that keeps him alive to restore sasuke to his former glory.
the merc one is a Wolf in sheep's clothing and that is an AU of Fatebreaker
 
Shirotsume

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#50
#50
No, that was... never mind.


Way to ruin the joke, jerk.
 
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