Naruto Fight for the Future

[Revan]

XXXXXXXXXX

ôWhat the fuck!?ö

Jiraya chuckled. ôYeah, I get that a lot.ö

Hesitantly, Hanabi stepped off the desk and walked towards him, deactivating her Byakugan as she did so. ôJiraiya...sesnei?ö At his enthusiastic nod, she continued. ôWhat exactly do you mean by 'introduce yourselves'?ö

ôWell,ö he said, ôyour names-ö

ôWhich you already know.ö

Jiraiya glared at the Hyuuga. ôLikes, dislikes dreams, that sort of thing. And just because I know your names doesn't mean I know who you all are.ö

ôThat information is likely in our psychological evaluations that all recent graduates have to go through. Evaluations that are attached to our respective scroll in the Archive, which you would have access to as our jounin-sensei, and have likely read prior to meeting us.ö Hanabi frowned. ôThose same scrolls would have our pictures attached to them, so you would already be able to know who we are, Jiraiya-sensei.ö

Jiraiya's glare morphed into a deadpan stare. Hanging his head, he let out a pained groan. ôKido, you'd make a horrible spy.ö

Hanabi's eyebrows knot together in confusion. ôMy Byakugan allows near 360 degree vision for-ö

ôSpying isn't about seeing the face of something, but looking beneath it,ö said Jiraiya. ôA successful spy is one that doesn't look at just the cause of something, but the why behind that cause. Hell, that's just good advice to being a ninja period; look beneath the beneath to find the answer.ö Crossing his arms over his chest, Jiraiya looked at each gennin in turn. ôIf you lot take nothing else away from me, let it be that.ö

The trio shuffled their feet and looked nervously at each other; this was not what any of them had expected.

ôNow then,ö said Jiraiya as he adopted a more cheerful countenance. ôSince someone seems to be against a little team bonding, we may as well get started on your test.ö The three gennin blinked as one, and snapped their heads around and focused solely on him.

ôWhat do you mean by that,ö said Shikamaru carefully.

ôYour second gennin test, of course.ö At Shikamaru's blank look, Jiraiya shook his head. ôKids these days. What, you expected that just getting that headband meant you were Konoha nnja now?ö He snorted, a derisive look appearing on his face. ôPlease, there are so many people coming through the Academy that we can afford to pick and choose the best and brightest, and send the failures packing back for remedial lessons.ö

ôSo what does this test of yours entail?ö

ôEh, now that'd be telling.ö Jiraiya dismissively waved at the Nara. ôYou're supposedly a smart guy, you figure it out.ö

ôHow are we going to do that,ö grumbled Naruto, glaring at the ground.

ôWell you aren't, you're dumber than a sack of hammers.ö Jiraiya frowned. ôActually, that's probably giving you too much credit, and insults the sack of hammers.ö

Naruto's head snapped up. Nostrils flaring, he snarled and launched himself at the man. Jiraiya snorted, and in a flash of movement that neither of the other two gennin could follow, kicked Naruto in the chest and sent him rocketing backwards. With a crash, the blond genin hit the chalkboard at the front of the room before falling to the ground listlessly.

ôWell that was anticlimactic,ö drawled Jiraiya. Looking at the other two genin, he said, ôI suppose I do owe you brats a hint. Catch me.ö

ôCatch you,ö intoned both Shikamaru and Hanabi at the same time.

ôEyup. Nab me before midnight, and I'll let you all in on the next phase of the test.ö

ôDone.ö Shikamaru smirked at the man, holding up his hands in the formation of the Rat seal he had never let break. At Jiraiya's surprised look, the young Nara turned his head over his shoulder, forcing Jiraiya's to do the same.

ôAh. Nice job on the Shadow Possession, kido; didn't even notice it coming.ö

Shikamaru turned his head back around, looking like a cat that had caught the canary. ôSo, the next part of the test?ö

ôNah.ö

Shikamaru stared at the man. ôBut I caught you.ö

ôNo you didn't.ö

The young gennin stared at his teacher in confusion. ôWhat do you-ö He paused, eyes widening as he realized what had happened.

ôAh, now you got it,ö said Jiraiya as a wide smile split his face. ôMidnight, kids, or you all get sent back to the Academy with the rest of the scrubs.ö With a pop and an explosion of chakra and smoke, Jiraiya disappeared.

Hanabi's eyes widened in surprise before narrowing. ôA clone? When did he switch?ö

Shikamaru shrugged his shoulders as he walked over to the still downed Naruto.öNo idea. When he was dispelling all those clones would've been the best time to do it, but he could've been fooling us from the beginning.öHe let out an irritated sigh. ôTroublesome.ö

Hanabi scowled, glaring at the back of her teammate's head. ôThe Byakugan sees through all things,ö she said boastfully. ôThere is no clone technique that can best it.ö

Turning around, Shikamaru met the Hyuuga's glare. ôIt's Jiraiya. Of the Sannin. And Konoha's Spymaster. He probably knows more ways to get around undetected than there are stars in the sky.ö

Hanabi's scowl deepened, confusion plain to see on her face. ôSpymaster?ö

Shikamaru shrugged and raised his hand to cover a yawn. ôDon't know for sure, but the pieces fit.ö At his teammate's continued confused look, he sighed. Closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose. ôTroublesome. The man's been missing for over a decade, but was never listed as a missing-nin. And one of the first things he tells us is advice on how to be a good spy.ö He opened his eyes and looked at the young girl as though she was an idiot. ôFrankly, it's the only option that makes sense.ö

Hanabi snorted and looked away from him. Rolling his eyes, Shikamaru turned back around and resumed walking towards Naruto. When he reached the blond, he squatted down and pulled an unbroken stick of smelling salts from his jacket pocket. Snapping it in his fingers, he waved it under Naruto's nose.

Waking up with a start, Naruto violently pushed Shikamaru's hand away. ôGah, that stuff stings.ö Rubbing his nose as he stood up, Naruto looked around the room. Growling, he glared at his teammates. ôWhere'd the old fucker get to?ö

Shrugging, Shikamaru said, ôNo clue. We have to catch him before he'll tell us what we have to do next though.ö

Muttering insults under his breath, Naruto stretched his arms and legs. ôAll right then. If that bastard wants me to find him, I'll find him.ö

ôGood idea. Make sure your radio's on.ö

Naruto waved dismissively. ôYeah, yeah. I'll use the same frequency we used during that survival training trip we did a month ago.ö Ignoring Shikamaru's nod, he jogged to the classroom's door before breaking out into a run once he reached the hallway.

Shikamaru shook his head as the echoes of Naruto's feet reached the classroom. Too easy.

ôNara...san?ö He looked over at Hanabi, who looked as though she was sucking on a lemon. ôWouldn't it be best if we planned and coordinated our search of Konoha?ö

ôNah. We weren't going to find him by running around all over the place anyway; Naruto's just too impatient for what we have to do.ö Hanabi questioningly raised an eyebrow. ôResearch. Right now, we just don't know enough about Jiraiya-sensei to actually find.ö

The Hyuuga heir hummed under her breath. ôThe Archives, then?ö

Shikamaru nodded. ôThe Archives.ö

XXXXXXXXXX

 

[zeebee1]

Another team destined to fail. Naruto's an idiot, Shikamaru is actively working against teamwork, and Hanabi is clueless.

I had serious doubts with someone Hanabi's age being a gennin. But you clinched my doubts and made them reality. To become a gennin at her age she would need to truly excel. The sheer fact that she thought nothing could fool her eyes proves that Sarutobi would not allow her to be promoted at her age.

 

[Revan]

Another team destined to fail. Naruto's an idiot, Shikamaru is actively working against teamwork, and Hanabi is clueless.

I had serious doubts with someone Hanabi's age being a gennin. But you clinched my doubts and made them reality. To become a gennin at her age she would need to truly excel. The sheer fact that she thought nothing could fool her eyes proves that Sarutobi would not allow her to be promoted at her age.

After rereading it, I have to agree with you; this is not at all what I wanted to convey with this segment. Time to rewrite the whole thing before going forward with anything else.

 

[Knyght]

I didn't mind it on the first read-through but yeah, Hanabi's doesn't come across well. Given who she is, it'd make sense for her to know what kind of things her Byakugan can't see so she doesn't get caught totally unprepared.

Jiraiya comes across as a bit juvenile and I think that instead of all that talk about his spies, he'd relate the discussion to ninjas instead e.g. "a ninja should look beneath the beneath". Give the discussion a broader meaning is what I'm trying to say and it'd also make it less obvious where Jiraiya's interest lies.

 

[Revan]

I'm taking all the criticism I've heard on the first segment into consideration as I rewrite it. Need to hit the hay soon, but so far it's already vastly different and better than the original version IMHO.

 

[Revan]

The rewritten first scene; I like this one a whole heck of a lot more than the original, but what are your thoughts on it?

Crimson Revolution
Chapter One: The Team​

Uzumaki Naruto restlessly paced around the Academy classroom once again, the sound of his feet hitting the wooden floor echoing across the mostly empty, auditorium-like room. The golden rays of the setting sun trickled through the windows, casting deep and dark shadows over the desks and floorboards while a cornucopia of hues danced along the sparsely covered walls. Glancing once again to the clock situated behind the desk his former teacher Iruka had used as a lectern, he winced slightly at the glare caused by the reflecting light. Growling, he stomped toward the front of the room until he could clearly see the time, which did no favors to his already frayed temper. ôThe fuckers late,ö he said for the umpteenth time that hour.

A cough, stifled as it was, made Naruto whip his head around to glare at one of the other occupants of the room. Hyuuga Hanabi did not meet his gaze, instead looking off to the classroom's sole door in a languid manner. Naruto kept his eyes locked onto her face, daring her to meet his gaze. When the young Hyuuga heiress did not, he quietly snarled in frustration. The small genius had won no favors from the blond over the course of the last year when she had been placed into his Academy class, and it looked as though that trend would continue into their gennin team.

Stuck up, prissy, Hyuuga midget. Naruto walked to the front row of desks and dropped down into a chair with a deep and frustrated sigh. Kicking his legs up onto the desk, he leaned back and looked to his left at the other occupant of the room. Nara Shikamaru was lying on the desk, his arms wrapped together and acting as improvised pillows. Though he was facing away from Naruto, the blond felt he could assume that the pony-tailed Nara's eyes were shut and a contented smile was on his face; over the years that they had known each other, Naruto knew that the other boy loved it when he could lay about and do nothing while his surprisingly sharp mind wandered.

Naruto frowned as he heard Shikamaru's breathing become deeper and softer, a sure sign that the perpetually lazy boy was about to fall asleep. Smirking, he pulled his legs close to his chest while shifting the weight of his lower body; the sudden shift of balance causing the front legs of the chair he was leaning on to hit the floor with a loud crack. With a snort, Shikamaru sighed before turning his head around to glare to his blond neighbor. Snickering at his expression, Naruto said, ôAh, come on, Shika, you can't just go of to dreamland and leave me here alone.ö

Shikamaru grumbled, but didn't bother to point out that Hanabi was also in the room, knowing that Naruto didn't really see the Hyuuga heiress in a positive û let alone approachable û light. ôI'm not your cure-all for boredom, Naruto,ö he stated before sighing.

ôYeah, yeah. 'Troublesome' and all that,ö said Naruto as he waved dismissively. Leaning in closer, a wicked grin split his face. ôBut I need your brain for something.ö At Shikamaru's cocked eyebrow he continued. ôI want to prank this prick, just deserts for being so damn late.ö

Shikamaru gave Naruto a half-lidded stare before closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. ôOur teacher's a jounin, Naruto. I doubt anything you come up with could get the drop on him.ö Opening an eye, he stared at the grinning blond. ôWhich is why you're asking me for help. Troublesome.ö

ôExactly! Now I'm thinking an eraser over the door is the best way to start this off-ö

ôJounin, Naruto.ö

ôWhich'll be laced with itching powder.ö

Shikamaru hummed under his breath as he looked at the classroom door. ôDon't put the powder in the eraser, but in a separate trap that's triggered when it falls. Smoke bombs will do the trick.ö

ôYeah, on the inside of the door with a string connected to the eraser that'll activate them?ö At Shikamaru's nod, he jumped up from the chair with a cackle and walked to the door.

ôAre you sure it is wise to aggravate our jounin-sensei before he even meets us?ö

Naruto stopped and glared at Hanabi, who met his glare with an irritated look of her own. ôAnd what you suggest, Hyuuga-sama,ö he asked in a mocking tone.

Hanabi narrowed her eyes at the blond. ôNot angering our future instructor simply because you lack patience.ö

ôPatience,ö said Naruto as his glare deepened. ôThis fucker's not just an hour late, not two, but five. Kiba's scary-ass sensei picked him up right out the gate, and Chouji's scruffy looking one a half-hour later! This prick's been making us wait for five fucking hours; he's earned some retribution!ö

The Hyuuga heiress raised an eyebrow. ôReally,ö she drawled, ôI had no idea. I also distinctly remember Iruka-sensei not saying when our jounin-sensei was supposed to meet us, but instead that we would meet him in this room, and to not leave it until we had done so.ö

ôDoesn't mean we should have to wait five hours for him.ö

ôPerhaps it is a test.ö

Naruto's eyebrows knit together in confusion as he frowned. ôA test of what?ö

Hanabu smirked, a condescending look adorning her face. ôPatience.ö

Naruto snarled and stormed towards the young Hyuuga. Slamming his hands down on the desk she was sitting behind, he leaned in and glared at her. ôThat's it, you arrogant midget. We're going to fight; right here, right now!ö

ôOh?ö

ôOh yeah,ö said Naruto as his lips quirked upwards into a smirk. ôThis has been a long time coming, midget, and I'm going to enjoy beating your arrogant, prissy behind.ö

Hanabu gracefully slid out of her chair and walked around the desk until she faced Naruto. Tucking an errant lock of brown hair behind her ear, she activated her clan's famous doujutsu, the Byakugan. ôAnd what makes you so certain of victory, Uzumaki-san,ö she asked as she fell into the basic opening stance of her clan's taijutsu style, the Juuken.

Naruto's smirk orphed into a savage grin as he adopted his own fighting stance û his left leg slightly behind the right, his body angled forwards, and his hands raised and slightly open. ôI've seen you fight, you've seen me fight, but we've never fought each other.ö

ôThen you should know that my Byakugan and Juuken are superior to that laughable style of yours.ö

Naruto began to channel chakra to his legs and arms, concentrating it in his feet and hands. ôOh sure, I'm definitely at a disadvantage, but you've never faced someone like me; stupid teachers always kept you from fighting me.ö He glanced to his left, and then to his right. ôFunny. I don't see any teachers right now. Guess that means we can finally throw down and see who's stronger, little Miss Rookie-of-the-Year.ö

ôIndeed. And Nara-san, I would appreciate it if you did not interrupt us with your shadows.ö

Shikamaru frowned, but released the chakra he had started to pool together. Letting his hands fall to his side, he stared at the ceiling. ôTroublesome.ö

A tense silence passed between Naruto and Hanabi, both waiting for the other to move.

Suddenly, a deep laugh filled the room. ôDamn, you brats sure are antsy. Gonna have to work on that if you want to make it as ninja.ö

The trio whirled around to face the back of the room where the voice had originated from. Standing there was a tall man with long white hair that was kept out of his face by a horned forehead protector bearing the kanji for 'Oil' on it. Red lines ran down from his eyes across a lightly wrinkled face that was split by a massive grin. Mesh armor could be seen underneath the short, green kimono top he wore, as well as under the matching pants. A red jacket that sported two yellow circles on each side, traditional wooden sandals, hand-guards, and a simple black belt completed the ensemble. A large scroll wrapped in a red cloth and a rope for carrying it was leaning against the wall next to him.

ôWho the fuck are you,ö yelled Naruto, pointing at the interloper.

Hanabi gaze narrowed at the man. ôAnd how did you escape my Byakugan?ö

The old man chuckled. ôCurious bunch, aren't you.ö He looked at Shikamaru. ôHm, but nothing from you, kido?ö

Shikamaru shrugged, hands not leaving the formation of the Rat handseal.

ôThen I suppose introductions are in order.ö Stepping forward, the old man's grin went even wider Slamming the open palm of his right hand onto the ground, he was quickly obscured by an explosion of smoke. As it dispersed, the three children gaped in shock. Riding the back of a large, orange toad, the old man struck a pose and yelled, ôI am the Holy Master Sannin of Mt. Myouboku, the Toad Sannin Jiraiya.ö Two smaller explosions of smoke appeared on each side of the large toad, revealing two smaller examples of his species that carried long poles decked out in numerous bells and streamers. ôFrom this day forward, I am the instructor of Team 7!ö More explosions of smoke, and more toads appeared whom had whistles in their mouths. A cacophony of sound filled the classroom as the bells rang, the whistles blew, and all the smaller toads danced around the larger one chanting words of congratulations and joy.

The three gennin could only stare in shock at the spectacle before them. Minutes passed in stunned silence before Jiraiya frowned. Squinting, he took a critical look at each of the three children. ôYou all are Team 7, right? Uzumaki Naruto, Hyuuga Hanabi, and Nara Shikamaru?ö He received a nod from each of them, and he smiled again. ôGood! Cause I'd hate to half to convince this lot to go through with this again!ö

The numerous smaller toads grumbled. ôHave a heart, Jiraiya-sama,ö said one of them. ôDo you know how demeaning this is?ö

Jiraiya shook his head. ôNope. Now get out of here.ö

ôWhat about our payment!?ö

Jiraiya glared at the toad. ôYou'll get it, don't worry.ö

ôBut we want it now!ö

One of Jiraiya's eyebrows twitched. Jumping off the larger toad, he smacked the speaker on the head. Another explosion of smoke formed as the toad disappeared. ôNow the rest of you get out of here, or you'll get the same treatment!ö

The remaining small toads grumbled insults at the older man under their breath, but did as he commanded and dispersed.

ôYou keep pissing them off, Jiraiya-sama, and they'll stop helping you do such ridiculous things,ö rumbled the large, orange toad.

ôYeah, yeah. I can still count on you, right Gama?ö

ôOf course, your theatrics are most entertaining.ö With that, the larger toad disappeared as well, leaving the four humans as the only occupants of the room once more.

ôWell then,ö said Jiraiya as he looked at the three gennin, ôHow about you brats introduce yourselves so we can get this show on the road? And be quick about it too, we're on something of a schedule here.ö

ôWhat the fuck!?ö

Jiraya chuckled. ôYeah, I get that a lot.ö

Hesitantly, Hanabi dropped out of her Juuken stand and walked towards him, deactivating her Byakugan as she did so. ôJiraiya...sesnei?ö At his enthusiastic nod, she continued. ôWhat exactly do you mean by 'introduce yourselves'?ö

ôWell,ö he said, ôyour names-ö

ôWhich you already know.ö

Jiraiya glared at the Hyuuga. ôLikes, dislikes dreams, that sort of thing. And just because I know your names doesn't mean I know who you all are.ö

ôThat information is likely in our psychological evaluations that all recent graduates have to go through. Evaluations that are attached to our respective scroll in the Archive, which you would have access to as our jounin-sensei, and have likely read prior to meeting us.ö Hanabi frowned. ôThose same scrolls would have our pictures attached to them, so you would already be able to know who we are, Jiraiya-sensei.ö

Jiraiya's glare morphed into a deadpan stare. Hanging his head, he let out a pained groan. ôKido, you'd make a horrible intelligence agent.ö Hanabi's eyebrows knit together in confusion, causing the man to sigh. ôInformation gathering isn't about seeing the face of something, but looking beneath it,ö said Jiraiya. ôA successful ninja is one that doesn't look at just the cause of something, but the why behind that cause. Hell, that's just good advice period; look beneath the beneath to find the answer.ö Crossing his arms over his chest, Jiraiya looked at each gennin in turn. ôIf you lot take nothing else away from me, let it be that.ö

The trio shuffled their feet and looked nervously at each other; this was not what any of them had expected.

ôNow then,ö said Jiraiya as he adopted a more cheerful countenance. ôSince someone seems to be against a little team bonding, we may as well get started on your test.ö The three gennin blinked as one, and snapped their heads around and focused solely on him.

ôWhat do you mean by that,ö said Shikamaru carefully.

ôYour second gennin test, of course.ö At Shikamaru's blank look, Jiraiya shook his head. ôKids these days. What, you expected that just getting that headband meant you were Konoha nnja now?ö He snorted, a derisive look appearing on his face. ôPlease, there are so many people coming through the Academy that we can afford to pick and choose the best and brightest, and send the failures packing back for remedial lessons.ö

ôSo what does this test of yours entail?ö

ôEh, now that'd be telling.ö Jiraiya dismissively waved at the Nara. ôYou're supposedly a smart guy, you figure it out.ö

ôHow are we going to do that,ö grumbled Naruto. This entire situation smelled like one elaborate set-up, and he knew that he had heard this guy's name somewhere before.

ôWell you aren't, you're dumber than a sack of hammers according to your written exam scores.ö Jiraiya frowned. ôActually, that's probably insulting to the sack of hammers.ö

Naruto's head snapped up focusing his glare on his jounin-sensei. Rage flowed through his mind; where the hell did this old guy get off at insulting him, especially when he had left them alone for five hours?

Perhaps it is time to show my frustration?

Nostrils flaring, he snarled and launched himself at the man. Briefly he saw a look of shock and concern flash over Jiraiya's face before it disappeared. Suddenly, he felt himself flying through the air in the opposite direction, his chest burning in pain. Naruto crashed into the chalkboard at the front of the room before falling to the ground listlessly behind Iruka's desk.

XXXXXXXXXX

Shikamaru licked his suddenly dry lips, swallowing nervously as he looked at the desk Naruto had fallen behind; the blond was down for the count for who knew how long. Catching Hanabi's gaze, he twitched his eyes; the young Hyuuga received the message and reactivated her Byakugan.

He turned his head and looked at Jiraiya, his fingers twitching as he met his jounin-sensei's (he still couldn't believe that Jiraiya of the Sannin was going to be his teacher) bland and disinterested look. Didn't see him move at all.

ôWell that was anticlimactic,ö drawled Jiraiya. Looking at the other two genin, he said, ôI suppose I do owe you brats a hint. Catch me.ö

ôCatch you,ö intoned both Shikamaru and Hanabi at the same time.

ôEyup. Nab me before midnight, and I'll let you all in on the next phase of the test.ö

ôDone.ö Shikamaru smirked at the man, holding up his hands in the formation of the Rat seal. At Jiraiya's surprised look, the young Nara turned his head over his shoulder, forcing Jiraiya's to do the same.

ôAh. Nice job on the Shadow Possession, kido; didn't even notice it coming.ö

Shikamaru turned his head back around, looking like a cat that had caught the canary. ôSo, the next part of the test?ö

ôNah.ö

Shikamaru stared at the man. ôBut I caught you.ö

ôNo you didn't.ö

The young gennin stared at his teacher in confusion. ôWhat do you-ö He paused, eyes widening as he realized what had happened. Turning his head, he met Hanabi's equally shocked expression.

ôAh, now you got it,ö said Jiraiya as a wide smile split his face. ôMidnight, kids, or you all get sent back to the Academy with the rest of the scrubs.ö With a pop and an explosion of chakra and smoke, Jiraiya disappeared.

ôTroublesome.ö Shikamaru lazily eyed Hanabi. ôDid you notice anything?ö

Hanabi deactivated her Byakugan, and shook her head. ôDistressingly enough, no.ö

Shikamaru grunted as he began walking towards the front of the room and his still downed teammate. He could easily divine what Hanabi found so distressing; the Byakugan was vaunted by many as having the ability to perceive everything within range. Finding something that could fool its sight, no matter how advanced the person using such a technique, could easily disturb any member of the Hyuuga clan; that Hanabi was its heiress only made such feelings worse.

Reaching the blond, Shikamaru knelt down and pulled out a storage scroll from inside his jacket. Opening it, he unsealed a box of smelling salts. Removing one of the sticks, he snapped it between his fingers and waved it underneath Naruto's nose.

Waking up with a start, Naruto violently pushed Shikamaru's hand away. ôGah, that stuff stings.ö Rubbing his nose as he stood up, Naruto looked around the room. Growling, he glared at his teammates. ôWhere'd the old fucker get to?ö

Shrugging, Shikamaru said, ôNo clue. We have to catch him before he'll tell us what we have to do next though.ö

Muttering insults under his breath, Naruto stretched his arms and legs. ôAll right then. If that bastard wants me to find him, I'll find him.ö

Shikamaru cocked an eyebrow at the blond's statement. ôAnd how do you plan on doing that; Jiraiya-sensei could be hiding anywhere in the village.ö

ôIndeed,ö said Hanabi, ôIt would be best if we coordinated a search, sector by sector.ö

Naruto looked at the two before rolling his eyes, his hands coming together in a cross-shaped seal.

Suddenly, the classroom was packed with copies of the blond gennin. Eyes wide, Shikamaru looked around him at the mob of orange clothed blonds, all of whom where smirking at him. Whipping his head around, he stared at his teammate.

ôLearned it last night as part of a, uh, 'Special Exam',ösaid Naruto as he scratched the back of his neck. ôThese guys are solid clones, and I get all the information they've gathered when they dispel. Pretty cool, right?ö

ôWait, you learn what they know,ö said Shikamaru, his mind already traveling at breakneck speeds to accommodate for this unforeseen boon. At Naruto's enthusiastic nod, he said, ôAlright then. Naruto, you and your clones are going to go out and scour Konoha for Jiraiya-sensei. Keep your radio on û same frequency we used for the survival trip we had a month ago û so Hanabi and I can feed you and your clones any information we happen to find on him.ö

With an enthusiastic roar, the mob of Naruto's flooded out of the classroom leaving Shikamaru and Hanabi behind. With a look, the lazy Nara started walking towards the door, his female teammate right behind him.

ôThe Archives, Nara-san?ö

Shikamaru nodded. ôThe Archives.ö

XXXXXXXXXX

 

[Knyght]

Much improved, I think.

Naruto comes across as more of an asshole this time but there's obviously something weird going on with him. Though the lack of reactions from his teammates makes me think that this Naruto isn't as 'nice' as his canon counterpart; he almost comes across as a bully. At least having it from his perspective made things more interesting.

It should be "Sennin" the first time around and it's spelt "genin". I'd also be wary of overusing "troublesom" for Shikamaru which I think gets blown out of proportion in fanfiction.

A couple of Jiraiya's lines bug me such as "Kido, you'd make a lousy intelligence agent" which I don't think it really fits the situation well; the reference seems a little forced. I'd change it to something like "Is that really what you think, kido?" as a response and then "It isn't about seeing the face..." and so forth. And I think he could use a slightly more refined insult to anger Naruto. I'd suggest taking out the sack of hammers bit and focus more on his low test scores and perhaps questioning how he even managed to pass. Other than that, I think the characterisation of them was better this time around.

Oh, and I'd avoid the whole "shouting jutsu" thing. The vast majority of the time ninja don't say their jutsu's name out loud and sometimes it's not even possible to, yet writers often verbalise practically every one. In this case, it felt really out of place for Naruto to shout out when he's not even in a fight. And if you're gonna use English translation, it would be better to at least stick to "jutsu" instead of "technique".

 

[Revan]

Agreed on the shouting jutsu thing, just went in and switched that cause it's an easy fix. The rest will come when I do the final edits before publishing the chapter.

Naruto should be coming across as being kinda-hyper-aggressive. He's an adrenaline junkie, and for him there is no better rush than fighting someone. So yeah, he's going to be a dick to people who don't now him because he wants to goad them into a fight.

 

[zeebee1]

Well, you managed to bypass the complaints before I even had a chance to write them, I was going to point out that Jiraiya wouldn't let them pass unless they worked as a team and would up the difficulty until they did. But as it is he's going to have to get creative.

 

[Revan]

A transition/buffer scene of sorts that I really hated trying to write. This is the third version of it, and I still don't like, but it hits all the things I want it to hit. Maybe it'll look better in the morning so I can finally get the rest of this chapter written out.

Any suggestions on improving it would be appreciated. Or criticisms; those tend to get the creative juices flowing easier for some reason.

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto ran across the rooftop. Planting his leading foot on the edge, he pushed off with a chakra enhanced leg that let him cross the meters wide gap and clear the railing that lined the next roof with room to spare. Landing on his feet, he let himself fall into a forward roll that bled momentum. With timing born from hours of practice, he planted his feet when they struck the roof and used what momentum remained to push himself upright, and back into a run. Seeing that the next building was many stories taller than the one he was on, he angled his run slightly and focused on the space between two columns that jutted out from the other building.

Using the railing as a pseudo-springboard, he leaped across another wide gap. Landing on the wall with both feet, he pushed off to the right with his left leg. When the balls of his right foot hit the column, he cocked his leg and pushed off towards the left column. Jumping back and forth between the two, he scaled the tall building in half a minute. When he reached the rooftop he wasted no time in dashing across it and leaping into the open sky.

For a few, brief seconds his body was weightless. Naruto closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax and experience the moment. Yet as quickly as it came, it left. As he felt the wind whip over his entire body, he opened his eyes and let out an ecstatic shout as he flew over rooftops, crisscrossing cables, and the occasional ninja. This was the rush he lived for, what he tried to seek everyday regardless of the consequences.

He mistimed his landing, hitting the front of his right shoulder instead of the rear. Naruto heard a pop, then a shooting pain in his shoulder and back. He winced as he heard his wrist snap under the pressure of his body falling on it. Unable to breathe, he slid across the rooftop listlessly before coming to a stop near the center. He laid there until he could breathe normally. With a groan, he forced himself up onto his knees and glared irritably at his dislocated shoulder while he channeled chakra through the limb. Grabbing it with his left hand, he yanked it forwards and back into place. Grimacing at the mild pain, he stood back up and slowly flexed his right hand and wrist until the discomfort ceased.

Naruto walked to the edge of the roof and stared out across Konoha's skyline. The sun was already setting when he began his current hunt, and in the hour that had past it had all but completely dropped out of sight. The majority of the light was given off by the lanterns and streetlights that littered Konoha at night, making the stars in the sky almost disappear. His stomach growled in hunger as the smell of cooking food from the numerous street-carts below reached his nose.

Sitting down with a huff, he dangled his legs over the edge and glared out across Konoha. Where's that old codger hiding? For neither love or money, none of his clones had caught hide nor hair of Jiraiya. Grumbling at the unfairness of the situation, Naruto was unprepared when he felt an influx of memories enter his brain. Wincing at phantom pain of his recently dispelled clone û he had slipped off the tilled roof of the public bathhouse and had landed on the womanÆs side û he rubbed the back of his head. Before he could process the new memories, however, more flooded in. Naruto's eyes widened in surprise before a manic glint appeared in them. Cackling, he pushed off the roof with his hands and feet before reaching up to his neck and activating his short-wave radio.

ôShika! The bastard's at Training Ground Thirty-Three!ö

XXXXXXXXXX

 

[Knyght]

That came across as a tad pathetic, tbh. Last scene we had aggressive, angry Naruto and the next scene he does the ninja equivalent of tripping over his own feet; he's really not impressing me. And I'm iffy on a superhuman kid doing that much damage to himself with a pratfall though I may be underestimating his momentum.

I'd probably rearrange the scene; start him off with the bit where he can't find Jiraiya, then he starts searching again but gets a bit lost in the rush, and then he gets a memory influx at the wrong moment which causes him to screw up his landing.

 

[Revan]

New version. Cut off the bad landing and most of the pointless acrobatics. How does this one read?

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto ran through the sparsely occupied street. Knowing that he was getting close to one of the main street markets of Konoha, he kept his eyes open for a way up onto the roofs. An orange tabby sped out of an alleyway, and only Naruto's attentiveness to his surroundings allowed him to avoid being tripped up by the angry cat. Cursing at the yowling cat, he gave it an errant kick in the rear before continuing with his search. As he turned a corner, he spied a stack of crates. Rushing them, he used the errantly stacked boxes as an improvised staircase. Jumping from the highest one onto a wall between two extended columns of a building, he ping-ponged himself upwards until he reached the rooftop. Taking a moment to find his bearings, Naruto proceeded to run towards one of Konoha's many the public bathhouses where one of his clones had just been dispersed.

It had been an hour since Naruto and his small army of Shadow Clones had rushed out of the Academy to search Konoha for their supposed teacher. Even after meeting back up and organizing themselves into small groups assigned to search specific areas of the hidden village, nothing had come up. None of the clones or Naruto himself had been able to find hide nor hair of Jiraiya. The clone that dispersed at the bathhouse was, so far, the only clue that had come up.

Naruto absently rubbed the back of his head, wincing at the memory of his clone's untimely demise. It had been running across the tiled rooftop of the bathhouse, when it had slipped off and fallen into the woman's side of the baths; it hadn't lasted very long after that. It could have been an accident, the tiled-roof was notoriously slippery, but Naruto refused to overlook the possibility that Jiraiya had caused the clone to fall.

Reaching the bathhouse, Naruto was met by the three other clones of the dispersed one's squad. As soon as he came to a full stop, one of the clones dispersed themselves. Naruto scowled at the influx of new memories. ôGreat, still nothing.ö Making a cross-shaped handseal, he summoned two more clones. ôGet back to your assigned route.ö Receiving four nods, Naruto was soon alone once again.

Naruto walked to the edge of the roof and stared out across Konoha's skyline. The sun was already setting when he began his current hunt, and in the hour that had past it had all but completely dropped out of sight. The majority of the light was given off by the lanterns and streetlights that littered Konoha at night, making the stars in the sky almost disappear. His stomach growled in hunger as the smell of cooking food from the numerous street-carts below reached his nose.

Sitting down with a huff, he dangled his legs over the edge and glared out across Konoha. Where's that old codger hiding? Lost in thought as he was, Naruto was unprepared when he felt an influx of memories enter his brain. Before he could process the new memories, however, more flooded in. Naruto's eyes widened in surprise before a manic glint appeared in them. Cackling, he pushed off the roof with his hands and feet before reaching up to his neck and activating his short-wave radio.

ôShika! The bastard's at Training Ground Thirty-Three!ö

XXXXXXXXX

 

[Knyght]

Yeah, that's better. It feels like Naruto knows what he's doing this time around.

Edit: Is Shikamaru meant to be the dead last in this fic? I assumed it was Naruto but if he's better than in canon then presumably that'd make Shikamaru the worst graduating student, so he'd be the guy meant to counter-balance Hanabi's top student status.

 

[zeebee1]

Why was Naruto yelling into a radio?

 

[Revan]

At the end of the scene? To let his teammates know that he "found" Jiraiya. I'm not that well versed in the anatomy of a radio/walkie-talkie, but I know that a microphone of some sort is involved. I distinctly remember canon team 7 using radios to keep in touch during the Tora mission, so I'm just assuming that it's standard ninja gear to have one.

 

[michirusan]

At the end of the scene? To let his teammates know that he "found" Jiraiya. I'm not that well versed in the anatomy of a radio/walkie-talkie, but I know that a microphone of some sort is involved. I distinctly remember canon team 7 using radios to keep in touch during the Tora mission, so I'm just assuming that it's standard ninja gear to have one.

no, he was asking why naruto was "yelling" into it.

 

[zeebee1]

Yelling into a microphone is, depending on whether ear buds are involved, akin to screaming in someone's ear. Either way, they shouldn't be so far from the speaker that he needs to raise his voice.

 

[Knyght]

...So? Naruto's a loud kid on his first mission. He was excited that he finally found Jiraiya and ended up shouting into the mike. No big deal.

 

[NinjaDebugger]

...So? Naruto's a loud kid on his first mission. He was excited that he finally found Jiraiya and ended up shouting into the mike. No big deal.

I have to agree, I can totally see Naruto doing that. Hell, I've known people who were less excitable who did that.

 

[zeebee1]

While that is a valid reason it doesn't seem to be one that the author intended.