Chance by Takerial
Readability: 16
Theme: 17
Details: 16
Plot: 17
Opinion: 15
Total: 81
An interesting look at what could have been, what was lost when the Kyuubi attacked, but I feel you only addressed one part of the prompt: what was lost. Not the why or even how. Even though I'm familiar enough with the series to understand what is going on, the allusion might have left some confused.
Also I was taken aback by the sudden skips in time with no break or real transition. He's one, then he's three, then he's five and a half, then he's a genin, all mashed into one. I know you said you wanted it to be fragmented, but it can still be with sudden shifts. It'll give it a more jagged, jarring shift that can be understood instead of a run together flow.
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Faded by twin blade
Readability: 17
Theme: 18
Details: 17
Plot: 16
Opinion: 15
Total: 83
This is a piece that left me a bit...befuddled. It's like I was reading and understanding what it was as I read it, without actually understanding it. I think what I mean to say is I could follow what was happening, the loss, the distance, the tension, but I wasn't understanding who these people were. All pronouns, no names. Faceless people who although they have some strong, intriguing emotions, lose that sense of who they are because they seem only to be abstract ideas, concepts.
Your flow was good and so were your descriptions, but I would have liked to have something behind it to bolster it, a background, names, faces, concrete fact instead of fleeting emotional glimpses.
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Indefatigable by Cornuthaum
Readability: 18
Theme: 20
Details: 17
Plot: 17
Opinion: 17
Total: 89
A piece that sticks true to it's theme through and through, never letting us lose sight of the fact that this is about loss. Each segment is remarkably fully capable of letting us understand a bit about what is going on, the who and the how and the why. However I feel that any one of these, or a couple of them, expanded into a more flowing story instead of a list would have greatly enhanced the piece. That said, the ability to show a wide variety of events in a short amount of time allowed you to show, in rapid succession, the losses Lelouch endured.
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Never Surrender by Professional Cynic
Readability: 19
Theme: 16
Details: 18
Plot: 17
Opinion: 18
Total: 88
A robust piece that left me sated, but a little hungry for more. The amount of detail in this piece is great, but you were kept from a perfect 20 in detail because of some repeated imagery, mainly of the hunks of meat and the green blood. Being one familiar with the Star Wars universe I was intrigued by your storyline, and while it fired off in the direction you wanted, I don't think it had the proper Star Wars feel to it. The battle felt less like a Stormtroopers versus Natives fight, than a trip down to the local meat processing plant.
Gore in large amounts becomes a stagnant taste, where as if the desperation, the emotion, the struggle for survival had been give more expansion I'm sure that readers would be able to become more emotionally involved with Derek and make his story more compelling. Without it, we don't fully see the sense of loss that you wanted to convey.
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Down Is Up by Left Shoe
Readability: 19
Theme: 15
Details: 18
Plot: 16
Opinion: 17
Total: 85
A very well written but your last minute sprint to make it in time is quite evident in this piece. The main casualty to your haste would be the theme. I can feel how there was more to it, how it was going to expand and truly get into the theme of loss, but it fell flat, not quite reaching where you had it heading. But for what was there, it was all rather good. Not excellent, but for being strapped for time you did well. My biggest bug for this fic are the attitudes of the characters, primarily the hospital staff. I can sort of see the receptionist being snippy at him, but the doctor being outright sarcastic seemed to push it for me.
One of the things I really appreciated was backstory. I was able to know and understand the main character, what was going on and why. I wasn't left guessing as to who this person was or what the hell was going on, you were able to give me enough of a glimpse at this universe for me to get my bearings. I suggest next time start earlier so you have more time and I'm sure you can make something even more delicious.
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Final Scores:
81: Takerial
83: Twin Blade
89: Cornathaum
88: Professional Cynic
85: Left Shoe
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See, now Wata if you finished your scoring within 12 hours of the end of the contest like me and Kayeich then you wouldn't have the problems with announcing the winner.
Readability: 16
Theme: 17
Details: 16
Plot: 17
Opinion: 15
Total: 81
An interesting look at what could have been, what was lost when the Kyuubi attacked, but I feel you only addressed one part of the prompt: what was lost. Not the why or even how. Even though I'm familiar enough with the series to understand what is going on, the allusion might have left some confused.
Also I was taken aback by the sudden skips in time with no break or real transition. He's one, then he's three, then he's five and a half, then he's a genin, all mashed into one. I know you said you wanted it to be fragmented, but it can still be with sudden shifts. It'll give it a more jagged, jarring shift that can be understood instead of a run together flow.
------------------------
Faded by twin blade
Readability: 17
Theme: 18
Details: 17
Plot: 16
Opinion: 15
Total: 83
This is a piece that left me a bit...befuddled. It's like I was reading and understanding what it was as I read it, without actually understanding it. I think what I mean to say is I could follow what was happening, the loss, the distance, the tension, but I wasn't understanding who these people were. All pronouns, no names. Faceless people who although they have some strong, intriguing emotions, lose that sense of who they are because they seem only to be abstract ideas, concepts.
Your flow was good and so were your descriptions, but I would have liked to have something behind it to bolster it, a background, names, faces, concrete fact instead of fleeting emotional glimpses.
------------------------
Indefatigable by Cornuthaum
Readability: 18
Theme: 20
Details: 17
Plot: 17
Opinion: 17
Total: 89
A piece that sticks true to it's theme through and through, never letting us lose sight of the fact that this is about loss. Each segment is remarkably fully capable of letting us understand a bit about what is going on, the who and the how and the why. However I feel that any one of these, or a couple of them, expanded into a more flowing story instead of a list would have greatly enhanced the piece. That said, the ability to show a wide variety of events in a short amount of time allowed you to show, in rapid succession, the losses Lelouch endured.
------------------------
Never Surrender by Professional Cynic
Readability: 19
Theme: 16
Details: 18
Plot: 17
Opinion: 18
Total: 88
A robust piece that left me sated, but a little hungry for more. The amount of detail in this piece is great, but you were kept from a perfect 20 in detail because of some repeated imagery, mainly of the hunks of meat and the green blood. Being one familiar with the Star Wars universe I was intrigued by your storyline, and while it fired off in the direction you wanted, I don't think it had the proper Star Wars feel to it. The battle felt less like a Stormtroopers versus Natives fight, than a trip down to the local meat processing plant.
Gore in large amounts becomes a stagnant taste, where as if the desperation, the emotion, the struggle for survival had been give more expansion I'm sure that readers would be able to become more emotionally involved with Derek and make his story more compelling. Without it, we don't fully see the sense of loss that you wanted to convey.
------------------------
Down Is Up by Left Shoe
Readability: 19
Theme: 15
Details: 18
Plot: 16
Opinion: 17
Total: 85
A very well written but your last minute sprint to make it in time is quite evident in this piece. The main casualty to your haste would be the theme. I can feel how there was more to it, how it was going to expand and truly get into the theme of loss, but it fell flat, not quite reaching where you had it heading. But for what was there, it was all rather good. Not excellent, but for being strapped for time you did well. My biggest bug for this fic are the attitudes of the characters, primarily the hospital staff. I can sort of see the receptionist being snippy at him, but the doctor being outright sarcastic seemed to push it for me.
One of the things I really appreciated was backstory. I was able to know and understand the main character, what was going on and why. I wasn't left guessing as to who this person was or what the hell was going on, you were able to give me enough of a glimpse at this universe for me to get my bearings. I suggest next time start earlier so you have more time and I'm sure you can make something even more delicious.
------------------------
Final Scores:
81: Takerial
83: Twin Blade
89: Cornathaum
88: Professional Cynic
85: Left Shoe
------------------------
See, now Wata if you finished your scoring within 12 hours of the end of the contest like me and Kayeich then you wouldn't have the problems with announcing the winner.