Akamatsuverse Irresistible Force, Chapter 2 WIP
- Thread starter GenocideHeart
- Start date
I'm sorry if I can't get more out. I guess I should just kill my dog instead of keeping an eye on it when nobody's home so it doesn't chew it into oblivion, right?
If you can't offer constructive criticism, shut the fuck up. I don't see YOU writing anything besides inane two-line snarky remarks.
And in case it's not obvious, yes, today I am in a foul mood. Your comments aren't improving it any, zeebee.
If you can't offer constructive criticism, shut the fuck up. I don't see YOU writing anything besides inane two-line snarky remarks.
And in case it's not obvious, yes, today I am in a foul mood. Your comments aren't improving it any, zeebee.
is there a reason why Naru is so bitchy?
I hate Naru but her anger seems way too out of place. Accusing Keitaro of stealing peoples things and putting him on the same level of thugs and Yakuza?
She things a lot of the time Kei is unreliable and a pervert but still no where near that bad
And Motoko being that calm she and defending him multiple points is way out of character for me but that could be explained later I guess.
I hate Naru but her anger seems way too out of place. Accusing Keitaro of stealing peoples things and putting him on the same level of thugs and Yakuza?
She things a lot of the time Kei is unreliable and a pervert but still no where near that bad
And Motoko being that calm she and defending him multiple points is way out of character for me but that could be explained later I guess.
She gets increasingly angry because he ends up flashing the whole house, and at first that makes her more hostile than usual. Additionally, in the original she had Motoko on her side who also disapproved of Keitaro's presence, but here Motoko sided with Keitaro for her own reasons, so Naru felt betrayed when she counted on her to back her up and it went that way.
She's currently extra venomous for those combined reasons alone, as well as the fact she genuinely does think he's physically dangerous, not just a pervert. And at least on the latter point, she's technically right, because the Gem of Cyttorak is known to magnify the worst impulses in its bearer. Keitaro just happens to be a nice enough guy to drown that temptation out - most of the time - but as you may have noticed, he can be unpleasantly abrasive now. That is a side effect of the gem, and one he's uncomfortably aware of.
As for Motoko, she KNOWS, to an extent, what an avatar of Cyttorak can DO. She's defending Keitaro largely because she thinks it's best not to antagonize him, but also because she's somewhat impressed that all that power hasn't gone to his head - and that in itself is reason enough for her to give him the benefit of doubt. Someone with Keitaro's power wouldn't have to resort to petty peeping, so she doesn't think what happened is actually what Naru claimed did happen.
She still does have her reservations on Keitaro and is keeping a close eye on him, but she also tries to defuse any potentially dangerous situations - mostly for the rest of the tenants' sake, because if Keitaro loses control, Motoko is acutely aware there's currently exactly jack and shit she can do to stop him from pounding anyone he crosses into a puddle of goo.
She's currently extra venomous for those combined reasons alone, as well as the fact she genuinely does think he's physically dangerous, not just a pervert. And at least on the latter point, she's technically right, because the Gem of Cyttorak is known to magnify the worst impulses in its bearer. Keitaro just happens to be a nice enough guy to drown that temptation out - most of the time - but as you may have noticed, he can be unpleasantly abrasive now. That is a side effect of the gem, and one he's uncomfortably aware of.
As for Motoko, she KNOWS, to an extent, what an avatar of Cyttorak can DO. She's defending Keitaro largely because she thinks it's best not to antagonize him, but also because she's somewhat impressed that all that power hasn't gone to his head - and that in itself is reason enough for her to give him the benefit of doubt. Someone with Keitaro's power wouldn't have to resort to petty peeping, so she doesn't think what happened is actually what Naru claimed did happen.
She still does have her reservations on Keitaro and is keeping a close eye on him, but she also tries to defuse any potentially dangerous situations - mostly for the rest of the tenants' sake, because if Keitaro loses control, Motoko is acutely aware there's currently exactly jack and shit she can do to stop him from pounding anyone he crosses into a puddle of goo.
Honestly there isn't much to comment on. My understanding of the characters is limited and I can't really tell what's going on into you deal a little bit more with the Kaolla and Motoko subplots.
It's just that I don't have much hope for this since the last time you promised a fic you abandoned it before it started, and you never delivered on the "I'm going to write a fic where everyone in Naruto dies" either.
When I see enough that my limited knowledge of Love Hina can be applied then I will give a more helpful critique.
It's just that I don't have much hope for this since the last time you promised a fic you abandoned it before it started, and you never delivered on the "I'm going to write a fic where everyone in Naruto dies" either.
When I see enough that my limited knowledge of Love Hina can be applied then I will give a more helpful critique.
Out of curiosity, do you have a job that forces you to commute for four and a half hours on a crowded bus every day to and from your office?
Because I'm assuming you don't. Otherwise you'd understand how BEING THAT TIRED REALLY DOESN'T ENCOURAGE CREATIVITY. And you being an acidic little prick in your posts further deflates my will to write.
So here's a protip. Don't write sarcastic no-comment posts that you KNOW will piss me off. You may think you're needling me into writing more, but what you actually are doing is make me less and less willing to write at all. So if you actually want to see something, shut the fuck up until you have something other than 'A big fat nothing isn't all that comforting'.
Especially since, in case you forgot, I used to slowly offer snippets at a time even back when I was actively writing and always took my time setting up the plot.
If all you want is for someone to churn out a full chapter in record time, go ask one of those two-bit yaoi writers that infest FF.Net and who have the amazing ability of writing more words than I do in the same time while narrating half what I do. I'm sure they will be happy to oblige.
Me, I like to slowly weave the plot and take my time to be sure my chapter isn't complete shit. If you'd rather have complete shit now, ask another author. I don't do complete shit, period.
----
And now that this has been said, back to the fic proper. I'm sure some of you have an idea where I am going with this, but in the meanwhile I intend to write some 'slices of life' in the fic to show some adjustment over a couple days. Repairs in the annex are one of them, repairs to Kaolla's room should be another... of coursem if some of you have a better idea for slices of life, possibly not an overused one, do feel free to suggest. Until I write the last part of the fic, there's always time to add some more adjusting time scenes.
Because I'm assuming you don't. Otherwise you'd understand how BEING THAT TIRED REALLY DOESN'T ENCOURAGE CREATIVITY. And you being an acidic little prick in your posts further deflates my will to write.
So here's a protip. Don't write sarcastic no-comment posts that you KNOW will piss me off. You may think you're needling me into writing more, but what you actually are doing is make me less and less willing to write at all. So if you actually want to see something, shut the fuck up until you have something other than 'A big fat nothing isn't all that comforting'.
Especially since, in case you forgot, I used to slowly offer snippets at a time even back when I was actively writing and always took my time setting up the plot.
If all you want is for someone to churn out a full chapter in record time, go ask one of those two-bit yaoi writers that infest FF.Net and who have the amazing ability of writing more words than I do in the same time while narrating half what I do. I'm sure they will be happy to oblige.
Me, I like to slowly weave the plot and take my time to be sure my chapter isn't complete shit. If you'd rather have complete shit now, ask another author. I don't do complete shit, period.
----
And now that this has been said, back to the fic proper. I'm sure some of you have an idea where I am going with this, but in the meanwhile I intend to write some 'slices of life' in the fic to show some adjustment over a couple days. Repairs in the annex are one of them, repairs to Kaolla's room should be another... of coursem if some of you have a better idea for slices of life, possibly not an overused one, do feel free to suggest. Until I write the last part of the fic, there's always time to add some more adjusting time scenes.
I'm enjoying the characterization:
- Motoko seems a little more mature, considering juggy!Kei is a big softie, unless you really rile him up and she seems to know better.
- Shinobu being a little more attentive to detail brings out another aspect of her personality, the usually shy and meek girl now is becoming a little more conscious of the people that surround her, no longer just running away at a drop of a hat and being a little more curious and concerned.
- Kitsune has been a bit quiet, considering her usual trickster persona, either she's been paying more attention to the reactions Kei has from Naru's baiting or she's measuring him up to see just how far she can go with our big lug, then again maybe he has a thing for big guys.
- Kaolla is waaaay too quiet, this almost immediately tells me something is up and with her Molmolian background it makes me <s>think</s> expect, incoming island (if not just royal/religious) shenanigans of the fun if not ridiculous kind.
- Naru... well, she's being Naru, I wonder if she's gonna need to take a few lumps (or a couple of broken hands/fists/wrists) to get the point that you don't mess with juggy!Kei.
- Keitaro is very aware of his current situation, and considering what details you've explained already, he's quite worried about what could happen (mostly for worse, but hopefully he will find a good use to his new condition). Any plans on him still trying for Toudai? Otherwise, any other plans that (if you're willing to hint at) he may have developed since Cyttorak decided to make his life a little more fun/interesting?
Other stuff I'm curious about... any word on Seta, Sarah and/or Mutsumi? Will they be appearing at any given time?
Keep up the good work GH!
and WHY, oh WHY??? do I want to read him say, just once, something like "I AM THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!"
- Motoko seems a little more mature, considering juggy!Kei is a big softie, unless you really rile him up and she seems to know better.
- Shinobu being a little more attentive to detail brings out another aspect of her personality, the usually shy and meek girl now is becoming a little more conscious of the people that surround her, no longer just running away at a drop of a hat and being a little more curious and concerned.
- Kitsune has been a bit quiet, considering her usual trickster persona, either she's been paying more attention to the reactions Kei has from Naru's baiting or she's measuring him up to see just how far she can go with our big lug, then again maybe he has a thing for big guys.
- Kaolla is waaaay too quiet, this almost immediately tells me something is up and with her Molmolian background it makes me <s>think</s> expect, incoming island (if not just royal/religious) shenanigans of the fun if not ridiculous kind.
- Naru... well, she's being Naru, I wonder if she's gonna need to take a few lumps (or a couple of broken hands/fists/wrists) to get the point that you don't mess with juggy!Kei.
- Keitaro is very aware of his current situation, and considering what details you've explained already, he's quite worried about what could happen (mostly for worse, but hopefully he will find a good use to his new condition). Any plans on him still trying for Toudai? Otherwise, any other plans that (if you're willing to hint at) he may have developed since Cyttorak decided to make his life a little more fun/interesting?
Other stuff I'm curious about... any word on Seta, Sarah and/or Mutsumi? Will they be appearing at any given time?
Keep up the good work GH!
and WHY, oh WHY??? do I want to read him say, just once, something like "I AM THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!"
>_> <_< >_>
*creeps in a stealth update*
==========================
"Ahem," Haruka coughed, drawing everyone's attention. "I'm sure that's incredibly deep and philosophical, but right now, I will freely admit that I would settle for a more mundane use of that 'godly power' or whatever it is. Unless there's some drawbacks I should be aware of...?" she added, nodding at Motoko. The swordswoman shook her head.
"No... the Avatar of Cyttorak can more or less do whatever he or she wants with the power, although Cyttorak itself may present a request to its avatar, in which case refusing is inadvisable. Besides that? Whether the power is used for good, evil, or just mundane activities is strictly up to the wielder," she explained. Haruka appeared satisfied by her words.
"Good, then I will be borrowing Keitaro. If you need either of us, we'll be out back at the annex," she concluded, grabbing the large youth's hand and pulling him along. Keitaro meekly followed - after all, what could go wrong?
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"I can't believe the floor caved in under his weight," Shinobu quipped, giggling as she watched Keitaro's muscular form struggle to lift itself up from a rather large hole in the annex's floor. Kitsune laughed.
"Come on, girl, just look at him," she pointed out. "He must weigh half a ton - of course that poor, abused wooden floor would crumble when he stepped on it. Hell, I would've bet on it - except I doubt anyone would have taken me up on that bet."
"Uh, actually I would have..." Shinobu admitted, red-faced. Kitsune stopped laughing and stared at her incredulously.
"What...? Why on Earth would you think a century-old building's floor could hold the weight of a monster of muscles like Keitaro?" she inquired in a slightly bewildered tone. "Not to mention what he did earlier - did you see him carry all those wooden crates in the back? Even only one of them required two grown men to move, and he just piled all thirty of them up and carried them around without even straining..."
"Y-yes, that was... sort of awesome..." Shinobu admitted, thoughtful. Then she added, "Do you think Urashima-san will become a superhero like Sunfire? I mean, he certainly is strong and tough enough to do it..."
"Naw," Kitsune shook her head, "If I read his personality right, he just ain't the type to look for trouble. Still, he IS impressive, isn't he? Even Naru couldn't help but be appreciative of his strength."
"Yes, I noticed... that was the first time I saw Narusegawa-senpai look something other than hostile towards him..." the young cook nodded. "Do you think she'll warm up to Urashima-san?"
"Ah, give her time," Kitsune waved her concerns away. "Keitaro doesn't seem like a bad guy - he's stressed, as anyone who suddenly had his life turned upside down would be, but he struck me as a pretty swell guy. Although, admittedly, if he did do something super-heroic, it would certainly help change Naru's opinion of him. She kind of admires superheroes because they stick their own necks out for us common folks... even if most of the time, they really aren't in any danger, being superpeople dealing with common street thugs. I guess it's the thought of heroic deeds that counts for her..."
Shinobu nodded as she watched Keitaro, who by now had pulled himself up and was muttering under his breath, examine the hole he'd made with a frustrated air about him.
"So... what would his, you know... super-name... be?" she asked, giggling. Kitsune looked at her and smirked.
"Why, what else..." she began in a mischievous tone.
"...The Juggernaut!" both finished, laughing openly. A little ways away, Keitaro turned towards them, confused at the sudden mirth displayed by the girls.
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*creeps in a stealth update*
==========================
"Ahem," Haruka coughed, drawing everyone's attention. "I'm sure that's incredibly deep and philosophical, but right now, I will freely admit that I would settle for a more mundane use of that 'godly power' or whatever it is. Unless there's some drawbacks I should be aware of...?" she added, nodding at Motoko. The swordswoman shook her head.
"No... the Avatar of Cyttorak can more or less do whatever he or she wants with the power, although Cyttorak itself may present a request to its avatar, in which case refusing is inadvisable. Besides that? Whether the power is used for good, evil, or just mundane activities is strictly up to the wielder," she explained. Haruka appeared satisfied by her words.
"Good, then I will be borrowing Keitaro. If you need either of us, we'll be out back at the annex," she concluded, grabbing the large youth's hand and pulling him along. Keitaro meekly followed - after all, what could go wrong?
1234567890
"I can't believe the floor caved in under his weight," Shinobu quipped, giggling as she watched Keitaro's muscular form struggle to lift itself up from a rather large hole in the annex's floor. Kitsune laughed.
"Come on, girl, just look at him," she pointed out. "He must weigh half a ton - of course that poor, abused wooden floor would crumble when he stepped on it. Hell, I would've bet on it - except I doubt anyone would have taken me up on that bet."
"Uh, actually I would have..." Shinobu admitted, red-faced. Kitsune stopped laughing and stared at her incredulously.
"What...? Why on Earth would you think a century-old building's floor could hold the weight of a monster of muscles like Keitaro?" she inquired in a slightly bewildered tone. "Not to mention what he did earlier - did you see him carry all those wooden crates in the back? Even only one of them required two grown men to move, and he just piled all thirty of them up and carried them around without even straining..."
"Y-yes, that was... sort of awesome..." Shinobu admitted, thoughtful. Then she added, "Do you think Urashima-san will become a superhero like Sunfire? I mean, he certainly is strong and tough enough to do it..."
"Naw," Kitsune shook her head, "If I read his personality right, he just ain't the type to look for trouble. Still, he IS impressive, isn't he? Even Naru couldn't help but be appreciative of his strength."
"Yes, I noticed... that was the first time I saw Narusegawa-senpai look something other than hostile towards him..." the young cook nodded. "Do you think she'll warm up to Urashima-san?"
"Ah, give her time," Kitsune waved her concerns away. "Keitaro doesn't seem like a bad guy - he's stressed, as anyone who suddenly had his life turned upside down would be, but he struck me as a pretty swell guy. Although, admittedly, if he did do something super-heroic, it would certainly help change Naru's opinion of him. She kind of admires superheroes because they stick their own necks out for us common folks... even if most of the time, they really aren't in any danger, being superpeople dealing with common street thugs. I guess it's the thought of heroic deeds that counts for her..."
Shinobu nodded as she watched Keitaro, who by now had pulled himself up and was muttering under his breath, examine the hole he'd made with a frustrated air about him.
"So... what would his, you know... super-name... be?" she asked, giggling. Kitsune looked at her and smirked.
"Why, what else..." she began in a mischievous tone.
"...The Juggernaut!" both finished, laughing openly. A little ways away, Keitaro turned towards them, confused at the sudden mirth displayed by the girls.
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Lord Raa said:
Here's a question for people.
Would it be a case of "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" should Juggernaut!Keitaro have sex with someone?
I mean, bukkake from him could be like taking a shotgun to the face. Or at least, a small calibre pistol.h43r:
Would it be a case of "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" should Juggernaut!Keitaro have sex with someone?
I mean, bukkake from him could be like taking a shotgun to the face. Or at least, a small calibre pistol.
h43r:
GenocideHeart said:
Lord Raa said:
Here's a question for people.
Would it be a case of "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" should Juggernaut!Keitaro have sex with someone?
I mean, bukkake from him could be like taking a shotgun to the face. Or at least, a small calibre pistol.?h43r:
Would it be a case of "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" should Juggernaut!Keitaro have sex with someone?
I mean, bukkake from him could be like taking a shotgun to the face. Or at least, a small calibre pistol.?
h43r:
Didn't the original "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" essay get canonically debunked years, maybe even decades ago? That thing was written sometime in the 1960s iirc, and I'm almost positive there was at least one timeline where Clark and Lois started a family without issue -- maybe as a direct response to that essay, which was rather famous.
Granted, this doesn't involve Kryptonians, but the idea should still hold.
Granted, this doesn't involve Kryptonians, but the idea should still hold.
Except we do see the aftermath of Juggernaut and She-Hulk having sex, and they totaled a room completely - broken bed with handprints on its post, broken concrete walls, ceiling and pavement, wrecked furniture... and Cain once outright admitted he can't have sex with normal women because they tend to get badly hurt.
Mind you, Cain has shit for self control, so that may be it...
Mind you, Cain has shit for self control, so that may be it...