Naruto Shift

[zerohour]

Thanks go to Mr. Mysterious, for letting me use the intro he wrote for Naruto as Byakuya. Hope you guys enjoy.

---- ---- ---- ----
Trying a different way. Let me know what you guys think.
--- --- --- --- ---

ôDamn it!ö Naruto growled, as the jutsu the scroll detailed failed again.

ôI'm so close, so why can't I do this right?!ö

ôNARUTO!!!ö Iruka's yell caused the academy student to flinch.

ôDAMN IT!!! I WAS SO CLOSE TOO!!!ö

ôWhat the hell are you talking about? Were you really trying to escape?ö

ôWhat are you talking about Iruka-sensei? I was just doing my extra credit.ö

ôExtra credit?ö

ôYeah! Mizuki-sensei said that if I could learn one of these jutsu, I could become a ninja! If I had just ten more minutes, I know I could pull this off!ö

ôMizuki?!ö

Before Naruto could reply, Iruka tackled him, intercepting the shuriken Mizuki had thrown.

--- --- --- ---

Iruka had ordered him to run, and Naruto, for once in his life, listened to him. He ran through the forest, though no matter how fast he ran he could still hear his teachers behind him.

He heard Mizuki attack Iruka.

He heard Mizuki taunting him.

he heard about the monster inside of him.

And Finally, he heard his teacher defend him, revealing how important Naruto was to him.

ôIruka-sensei...ö Naruto murmured to himself, stunned at his teacher's true feelings. Despite everything, Iruka had still cared about him... Clenching his fist, Naruto stood up, prepared to do anything to save his teacher's life. He was still the student who had failed the exam, he had even failed th extra credit assignment, but Naruto would fight anyway. He felt something stirring in his body, something he had never felt before. His will set, Naruto seized the unknown feeling, and everything changed.

Mizuki's attack was halted when both chunin felt an explosion of strange power nearby. Their uncertain expressions turned to shock, as Naruto emerged from the fading nexus.

Naruto's body was almost the same, maybe a little leaner and taller, but his outfit was completely different. His orange jumpsuit was gone, instead, he wore a white kosode underneath a black kimono and hakama, and a white obi sash held his clothes in place. At his side, a long, sheathed katana hovered, almost screaming to be used. Naruto held his head, fighting off a sudden headache, but steeled himself and drew his blade.

ôI won't let you hurt Iruka-sensei!ö

Mizuki grinned, ôLike you can do anything! I'll kill you myself!ö

Shuriken whirling, Mizuki charged at the young blonde, intent on killing the monster before him.

Imagine his surprise when Naruto raised his still sheathed blade to counter his strike, almost without effort.

ôFeh, lucky shot!ö Mizuki sneered, drawing a pair of kunai, ôYou may have more range with that blade, but there's no way a failure like you can fight a chunin!!!ö

Naruto snarled, and instead of countering with his blade, he opened his mouth, and chanted a short phrase/

"Bakudo Number One: Sai!" With a quick slash of Naruto's hand, Mizuki felt him arm constrict and lock behind his body. Shock fille his mind, as his helpless body continued to fly at Naruto, only to be stopped by a merciless fist to the face.

ôN-Naruto?ö

The threat neutralized, Naruto turned to smile at his teacher, but froze, sensing something coming.

Almost immediately, there was laughter as a gigantic demonic looking thing that reeked of more power than Naruto had ever felt faded into existence, smiling evilly at him for a moment. Without warning, it plunged its hand into his body's stomach and ripped out a snarling demonic fox, Naruto absently noting that the whisker marks on his face faded. The fox fought tooth and nail to avoid its fate, as well, but its fate was sealed. No one could escape death forever.

After it swallowed the demon, the huge Shinigami-thing then turned to Naruto.

"That was my price, Little Death God, for allowing you to impinge on my domain... despite the fact that it will quite literally be the death of me." At Naruto's shocked look, it laughed. "You suffered through my actions. Now I suffer through yours. We are even." The thing's eyes flashed blood red for a moment, before it laughed darkly. "The Death of the Shi no Kami. Hah! Ironic, isn't it." His eyes flashed red again, then. Again, and again, and faster, and faster... until there was a compression of energy that felt as though it were crushing the young blonde. Then the self-proclaimed Shi no Kami exploded... sort of. Black lights erupted from his body, shooting away from him. "Goodbye, Little Death God. This world is yours now. Do with it what you will." Then finally one last black light erupted from its body, followed by an enormous red light and an equally enormous white light... and it was gone.

Mere seconds after the massive upheaval, Naruto's headache surged to the forefront, and he collapsed.

--- -- --- -- ---

When Naruto returned to consciousness, he wasn't in his room. He wasn't in class or ion the hospital either.

In fact, he had no idea where he was.

ôSo, the young shinigami finally awakens.ö

ôHuh? Who's there!ö Naruto shouted, springing to his feet.

ôbehind you boy.ö

Naruto spun around, and found himself face to face with a horrifying monster.

ôAh!ö Naruto leapt away, trying to get away.

ôThere's no point in running. If you took the time to look around, you'd know that.ö

ôHuh?!ö Naruto gaped. As he looked around, he noticed that this wasn't Konoha at all.

It wasn't even a world, just a sea of endless darkness.

ôWhere the hell am I?!ö Naruto demanded.

ôYou are at the beginning.ö

ôWhat is that supposed to mean?'

ôYou're quite an interesting person. You ended an era that had no beginning, and didn't even realize you were doing it...ö

ôDamn it! Answer me!!!ö

The monster chuckled, ôTwelve years ago, a mortal summoned me from my domain to seal away a demon, the Kyuubi no Kitsune. The beast was locked away inside of an infant, who would hold the monster's power, as well as a slight portion of my own. Just a few hours ago, you managed to force my powers to manifest, and became the second shinigami.ö

ôWh-what?ö

The Shinigami continued, ôHowever, the laws that govern all things only allowed for one God of Death. With your ascension, the rules have changed. Even as we speak, I am slowly fading away.ö

ôSo what does that mean for me?ö

ôThough I am fading, my power will remain. It will saturate the earth, and a select few will gain a portion of it, becoming the new shinigami to guide the dead. As for you... your duty is to lead the shinigami and maintain the balance of life and death.ö

The Shinigami stared at the stunned Naruto.

ôAre you ready to begin?ö

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Really, really fast intro. Could stand some more development.

Interesting concept, though wait: The powers above, since the Shinigami is dead, now have mortals with shinigami powers move the souls of the dead to the afterlife? They couldn't make a new shinigami?

 

[jakkuzarippa]

Hmm. A good start. I found the scenes moving a bit too fast, but I assume this is will be edited and all before a final version is produced. Interesting concept. Does this mean that Naruto is the only Shinigami in his world? So he could technically end up as the Yamamoto of his world after a few centuries.

 

[elric]

I don't think the Shinigami should die instantly. Have him slowly fade out over the course of a few months, so that Naruto has time to find a way to ensure the world doesn't crash.

 

[Seed00]

Cliche'd intro. Cliche'd way for naruto to become shinigami. Shinobi and shinigami at the same time? Oh boy. NO way. Too many Naruto/Bleach stories in my mind at the moment.

Peace

 

[zenaku]

Hm... I may be mistaken, as I haven't read the manga much, but I thought that souls would normally pass on, and the shinigami only had to deal with the ones who wouldn't?

 

[simpleviet]

I'm pretty sure it stated that most souls would pass on to the after-life but others would stay due to unfinished business or connections they feel to certain places.

 

[Bluedawn]

'I just had to get stuck with someone like you, didn't I?'

ôAnd what's that supposed to mean?!ö

So does that mean the zankupato is not part of Naruto's soul?

 

[Mercsenary]

'I just had to get stuck with someone like you, didn't I?'

ôAnd what's that supposed to mean?!ö

So does that mean the zankupato is not part of Naruto's soul?

I think it was more the zanpakto voicing its lamentations of being a part of someone of Naruto's mindset.


Anyways... Moved very fast. Maybe expand more on Naruto/Zanpakto interaction before going off to collect his first soul. Huh... now that I think about it, all of it needs more dialog(sp?).

 

[zeebee1]

I don't think Naruto was ready to use a kidou of that level.

 

[zerohour]

AJT: A core rule of the Naruto world was there was only supposed to be one Shinigami. Naruo somehow tapped into the vestiges of its power to become one, effectively changing the rules so that the Shinigami was no longer a singular, all powerful entitiy. Since the new rules couldn't support his existance, he ceased to exist, and his powers were effectivly scattered to be absorbed by people over time.

jakkuz: For now, Naruto's the only shinigami, so for all practical purposes, he IS Yamamoto, in the sense that he is the supreme lord of all shinigami (himself.)

Elric: Shinigami died instantly, but it will take tiome for things to go FUBAR. Naruto's going to finish learning the Kage Bunshin fairly soon, so all his mini mes will disperse and keep the ghost population in check. Plus, naruto's going to get is first apprentice soon.

Seed: Not so much as Ninja/Shinigami as a still living Shinigami working as a ninja. Kina like how Ichigo was still a student, though ttht aspect didn't get covered too much. Most of the skills he would normally gain are going to be replaced with learning the shinigami arts.

Zenaku: They didn't really address this too much, but worst case scenario, the jounin didn't accept he was dead, especially not so soon afterwards.

Bluedawn: Naruto's zanpakto is... a little weird at this point. The Shinigami downloaded a lot of information about the new capabilities of Shinigami into it, so it's something of a combination of the original Shinigami and Naruto's spirit. basically, it's a zanpakto as well as a source of information of his new abilties. While Zangetsu could teach Ichigo about his abilities, Naruto's zanpakto can teach him its abilities, as well as any other abilities a shinigami could acquire.

Zeebee1: I think they were using this one to teach academy student in Seireitei, so it's probably acceptable. The version Naruto used was also fairly weak, as it mostly just KOed Mizuki, rather than killing him or blowing him up like its supposed to. Plus, at that point, the Shinigami was still alive, and could give Naruto a bit of a helping hand. He won't be able to pull it off again without training to understand how he did it in the first place.


Spoiler idea:

How would you guys feel about Sarutobi summoning Lee as a shinigami, wilding the traditional weapon of an execution, the Sokyoku?

 

[Gwyll]

I don't know much about Bleach, but I think that most souls (at least for the time being) should make the transition themselves. I think we will also need some information about how the 'afterlife' starts to form, or how it changed. After all, someone has to set up the new system.

 

[Skelethin]

Zerohour, I would like to point out that, while your ideas seem to be rather unique, they are far too 'shiney'. Its just too much for what your trying to do.

As previously mentioned, you need to increase the dialouge in such a way that it fits and flows. You need to show and explain things that are happening without just expecting the reader to understand everything that is going on.

In addition, things like suddenly having Naruto release a mid level Kido as his first spell EVER is far, far too much. Its like Naruto suddenly being able to use rasengan or chidori with zero training, and no idea what he doing before hand.

And your idea of completely discarding the original Shinigami just because Naruto managed to change things is too extreme. The timing of this in the story line is, as previously pointed out cliched. Very much so in this case. You are making him learn to deal with ninja life, learn HOW to be a shinigami from himself of all things, and figure out who he is as a person at the same time. Unless you are extremely, extremely skilled at development(which from the snippet appears to not be the case), you will not be able to pull this off both convincingly and well. Even authors like Fosfor, Pridefall, MageOhki, Greiver, GH, and Hawk himself would be hard pressed to accomplish this feat in a way they would find acceptable.

My personal suggest is two fold to help with this. Do NOT make him a ninja. He has enough issues as it is, and being a ninja would just add to them. And keep the original Shinigami around to teach him, and other souls how to do the job. I would never expect him to be the ONLY one there is, especially considering the size of the world and the amount of people that are in the afterlife to take on this mantle of guardianship.

As I keep seeing with a large number of things that keep showing up here, the issue of 'shiny', which can be easily described as excessive amounts of anything, especially things that tend to make the story either unreadable, or not worth reading.

Beware the shiny, and remember that simpler is better, especially when you are not used to handleing large amounts of things at once while writing. The general rule of K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid - is very important while writing things like things.

geez but I can rant, neh?

 

[zenaku]

Zenaku: They didn't really address this too much, but worst case scenario, the jounin didn't accept he was dead, especially not so soon afterwards.

Oh, I understood that part. It was the next part that brought up the question.

'It took you about five minutes to get to a soul halfway across town, and send it to the afterlife. One Soul. Now there are probably dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people dying each day, most of which AREN'T in Konoha. You do the math.'

ô...I couldn't keep up... even if I mastered that shunpo thing you told me about...ö Naruto conceded.

'That's right. So you have to figure out something to fix that problem, before all those unlucky souls become Hollows and start eating everything alive.'

 

[lwf58]

I agree with the others. The part that souls can't pass on without personal attention from a shinigami is not a very good idea. Even in a world like that, with a relatively low population, there would thousands of people dying every day. Even if you eventually had hundreds of shinigami dedicated full time to the job, they wouldn't be able to keep up with it. Bleach-style shinigami have to cover distances the same way everyone else does - by traversing the territory between where they are and the destination. Shunpo is not a technique for distance traveling either. It was intended for short hops, and would tire out even very strong shinigami if they tried to repeat it over and over to cover a long trip.

In Bleach (and every other story that deals with a personification of Death that isn't omnipresent) it's canon that most souls pass on to Soul Society without aid. Only those tied to the mortal realm by strong emotion or an unfinished task need the attention of a shinigami.

As it stands at the moment, your Naruto world would be hip deep in hollows before the week ended, and all life would end soon afterward. Naruto would be too busy running from one death to the next to do anything to stop the process.

Plus, the idea that the original Death's power was scattered all over, to be absorbed by a number of mortals, doesn't jibe with its final comment to Naruto, that the world was now his to with as he pleased. That comment leads the reader to believe that Naruto was intended to be the sole inheritor of Death's power.

 

[Fosfor]

No offense, Zerohour, but... Too fast paced - it has no time to build any feeling in the reader at all, save for a bland. "They did this. Then he did that. Oh. Whatever."

Cliched, which doesn't need to be bad. Cliches can be done well. Here, they are not. The writing is below your standard - rushed, jarring (and jarring can be done on purpose, but here I fail to see it, to be honest) and ungaingly.

Overall, I'd give it a serius thought, and then a serious rewrite. There is potential there, but it almost can't be seen as it is now.

 

[zerohour]

To everyone saying its too fast:

I agree wholeheartedly. At this point I'm juggling papers, tests, law briefs, etc. with other activities, aside from writing. I know that this is way too fast, and that it would be burned if it were an actual book. This is just a horrible, horrible first draft getting the basic framework out there for criticism. The actual document looks much worse, as it consists of half a dozen half finished scenes in no particular order, probably filled with spelling and grammar errors.

Learn from my mistakes: Don't procrastinate.

If this was a prologue, I might be able to convince myself it was acceptable, but it's a first chapter, and it needs work. Maybe once Christmas Break comes around, I can take the time to fix it up/flesh it out/whatever needs to be done, but for now... meh.

In hindsight, I should have posted this in ideas... <_<

Sorry if I sound cranky (not enough sleep). I do appreciate all the feedback and criticisms you guys are giving me, and I will definitely get around to revising this at some point. Definitely before I even write a second chapter.

 

[zerohour]

I tried something different for the first chapter. I think I slowed it down, but it probably needs to be more drawn out. I just wanted to run it by you guys first to get a second opinion.

Well?

 

[Jadedmagus]

Hmm, I don't remember the first version, but this one seems better. I can believe that he got a little free boost in sword skills (even Strawberry did okay for 0 training) and the instinctive use of the most basic kido also seems fine to me. I think you could stand a little more exposition, but it is fine as is.

 

[Bluedawn]

I'm still doubting Naruto being the only Shinigami for a long time, because its a big world and being a Konoha nin doesn't exactly give him the freedom to travel.

 

[zeebee1]

Since this is based on Bleach the Shinigami only needs to show up when summoned or to deal with hollows. And it was explained why he wouldn't have to deal with hollows for a while.

 

[S J C]

Since this is based on Bleach the Shinigami only needs to show up when summoned or to deal with hollows. And it was explained why he wouldn't have to deal with hollows for a while.

They'll also need to konso the bound souls and balance the numbers.

 

[zeebee1]

Like I said, there was an explanation for that already.

 

[zerohour]

Here's some more. Let me know how it's going.


--- --- --- --- --- --- ---

When Naruto had accepted becoming the first of the new Shinigami, he had expected bust out and start sending evil souls to hell, not going back to school. Yet Naruto found himself behind a makeshift desk, taking notes about the basic techniques of his new occupation. The current lecture: Kido: How, When, and Why to use them.

He had spent years learning all those hand signs, and now he had to memorize a bunch of chants instead! All that work was a waste!

Still, after seeing what some of them could do, he couldn't wait to use them. It was the learning that was killing him!!!

Sighing Naruto returned his attention to the lecture. He didn't like it, but the Shinigami was still a god, and the boredom of the lectures were far more preferable to what happened if he zoned out.

Abruptly, the SHinigami turned to face him.

"It seems the lesson is not to your liking."

"That's not true!" Naruto protested, desperately trying to avoid his wrath.

"Perhaps a round of sparring would be more to your liking? After all, zanjutsu is another core part of a shinigami's skills."

"Really?!"

"Indeed."

"Awesome!!!" Naruto exclaimed, eagerly unsheathing his blade.

If there was one thing Naruto excelled at, it was fighting!

--- --- --- --- ---

ôDead.ö

ôDead.ö

ôDead again.ö

Naruto nearly threw his blade down in frustration. Each and every fight against his teacher ended the same way, in about the same amount of time.

ôYou're thinking like a brawler, not a swordsman. A single blow with a blade is far more devastating than a flurry of unarmed blows. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you can move on with your training.ö

ôCome on!!!ö Naruto whined.

The Shinigami sighed, and Naruto took the opportunity the charge once again. Idly, it noted that he had actually listened, at least a little bit. Still, it was far below the level he should be at.

ôDead again.ö

--- --- --- ---

Naruto didn't know how long he had been training, but according to the Shinigami, it didn't matter. While the Spiritual World was still forming, time was nearly irrelevant. It would remain in its almost frozen state until the vacuum was breached.

With eternity before him, the minutes, hours, and days blurred together, making it impossible to keep track of, save his slow but steady progression in the shinigami arts. While he still couldn't use Kido in combat without the chant, he knew several well enough to use. While he still couldn't win a fight,. He lasted more than a few seconds.

Still, even with eternity, and a God teaching him, there were limits to how long he could hone his skills.

--- --- --- ---

The Shinigami sighed, ôIt looks like your training has come to an end.ö

Naruto grinned excitedly, ôYou mean I'm finally good enough?ö

ôNo.ö

ôWhat?!ö

ôYour skill level is adequate, for a complete rookie, but far from the level it should be. However, actual experience seems to be the best instructor for you, and we are out of time.ö

ôOut of time?ö

ôThe world is passing by, and people are dying as they always do. Your duties require you.ö

ôB-but there are so many people!!! How am I going to be able to handle that myself?!ö Naruto demanded.

ôMy powers aren't gone yet. The majority of souls will simply pass on. As for being alone...ö

He tossed a bundle of something at Naruto, who deftly caught it, before examining it.

ôWhat is this?ö Naruto asked, removing the leather wrapping. Inside lay a large book, and several dozen vials of an unknown substance.

ôThe book contains all of the knowledge of the Shinigami. It will serve as your trainer from now on. As for the vials, they contain a substance called 'The Blood of the Reaper.' It has the ability to awaken the latent reiatsu in a mortal. Until you advance your training, it will be the only source of new shinigami.ö

Naruto stared at the items, their importance fully dawning on him.

ôAnd for now, this is goodbye.ö

ôHuh? Hey Wait!ö

Naruto's protests went unheard, and he was banished from the realm of the afterlife, awakening in Konoha's hospital.

---- ----- ---- ----- ----

'Was it... all just a dream?' Naruto wondered, staring out the window at the rising sun as he woke up.

No... he could feel the reiatsu coursing through his body, alongside the chakra produced by his still living body.

...Or maybe it was the morphine or whatever they were pumping into him.

No. No, it was definitely reiatsu... maybe.

Shaking his head, Naruto took in his surroundings, the room w fairly barren, aside from some medical equipment, he noticed a nurse taking some notes out in the hallway, only for her to abruptly turn and leave. Sighing to himself, he lay back down, had he really expected things to suddenly be different?

ôNaruto!ö

ôIruka-sensei?!ö Naruto gaped, shocked that his teacher was there so quickly.

ôI was about to leave, but the nurse told me you had just woken up, so I thought I'd come by and visit you!ö

ôAwesome! How are you doing? Is your back alright?ö

ôIt's just fine Naruto. I'm not the one in the hospital!ö Iruka responded, caused Naruto to rub his head in embarassment.

ôThat's true...ö

They chatted for a few more minutes, before Naruto started to sense something...off. Even though Naruto wasn't the most perceptive person, he could still tell Iruka was hiding something.

ôWhat is it sensei?ö Nauto asked, his eyes telling Iruka that he knew something was wrong.

Iruka sighed, ôI'm sorry Naruto... you can't become a genin this year.ö he flat out said, disappointed that he had to give Naruto such bad news.

Naruto didn't reply, too deep in shock. Slowly, his head dropped, concealing his face.

ôYou failed the exam, and even after you beat Mizuki, the Academy rules won't let me pass you. Even if I could, you were unconscious for nearly a week! The genin teams were already formed, and the jounin have already selected their teams.ö

Naruto didn't respond.

ôNaruto, if you want, I can talk to the Academy head, explain the circumstances. You could try again next year.ö

Slowly Naruto shook his head.

ôNaruto?ö

ôSorry Iruka-sensei, but I've got a new goal! Being a ninja would be awesome... but it would just eat up too much time!ö

Grinning furiously, Naruto dashed out of the room. Leaving behind a guilty and confused Iruka.

--- ---- ---- ----

Atop his apartment, Naruto silently sat, staring down at Konoha.

For as long as he could remember, Naruto had dreamed of becoming a ninja, only for it to be taken away from him again and again. Normally, he would have just tried again, like he had before, until he was finally recognized as one of Konoha's ninja, but now...

Now he had a responsibility. He couldn't waste any more time.

Naruto closed his eyes. Focusing his energy, Naruto felt his body fall away, his jumpsuit replaced the robes of a Shinigami.

Naruto smirked. If he couldn't become the best shinobi, he sure as hell would be the strongest Shinigami!!!

 

[TerraBull]

Since he did not graduate, and failed for the final time, he is a civilian now?