The Prank of Suzumiya Haruhi

Arkhe · Nov 26, 2007

For convenience's sake;

Prologue - available in this post.
Chapter 1 - Aliens - Time-travellers[/b] - <a href='http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showtopic=6878&view=findpost&p=9335870' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>i</a> & <a href='http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showtopic=6878&view=findpost&p=9403696' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>ii</a>
Chapter 3 - Espers - <a href='http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showtopic=6878&view=findpost&p=9558447' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>i</a> & <a href='http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showtopic=6878&view=findpost&p=9588366' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>ii</a>
Chapter 4 - Potentials, Distortions, and God - <a href='http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showtopic=6878&view=findpost&p=11567720' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>i</a>
Epilogue - (in progress)
Bonus Chapter - Sliders - (in progress?)

Foreword: Has this been done before?

------

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Suzumiya Haruhi bounces up and down, her excitement building. Sweat is rolling off of her forehead and she gasps for breath like a fish out of water. I'm working along with her and I grunt with the effort I have to make. It's all riding on me.

Damn it.

Asahina Mikuru, Nagato Yuki and Tsuruya are cheering us on. Or at least Tsuruya was doing it loudly, while the other two were a little less vocal about it. Though Asahina only sported a determined glint and the occasional shallow breath and Nagato looked like her usual self, I could really tell that the duo were getting into the spirit of things. Probably.

I briefly wonder how they'll decide who's going next, but it's a moot thought. Out of the meekness and the goodness out of her own heart (or maybe it's because she's afraid of the alien, but I stand by the former), Asahina always lets Nagato decide (and it also depends on Tsuruya's mood as well) but I guess I really don't have an excuse for planning ahead.

Most of the time, Nagato doesn't want to do it. She doesn't mind helping me out however. I guess it's because she's always only doing the most minimum of physical activities that's only required of her, that she's probably unused to such effort. I wonder if it overloads her somehow.

Asahina tends to take it on her back. Not really on the floor though. She's pretty meticulous when it comes to trying to keep things cleanly. I wonder if it's the maid in her.

Tsuruya prefers mostly the same as Haruhi, although she's been rather peculiarly fond with the stance being hunched over.

And well, Haruhi... Haruhi's mostly on top.

If it isn't obvious enough as it is, I don't mean to think in innuendo-laced terms. The fact of the matter is--

--I am screwing the SOS Brigade.
Or boinking. Or banging. Or bumping uglies. Take your pick.

It's apparently an integral new activity for our club. At least, that's what Haruhi tells me.

So, to make this perfectly clear, after school everyday, I am getting nookie with Haruhi and then the other club members (unless our leader's late or feeling particularly generous/kinky). With the responsibility of being the leader, she gets first dibs on me -which was the case right now.

I sigh, but I'm not stupid enough to do it aloud. If I did and she noticed, Haruhi wouldn't appreciate it and would probably make this alot more exciting for her and troublesome for me (excruciatingly so, I'm sure). I sigh because this was one big mess and, yes, more or less enjoyable, but you have to remember that messes always start off as fun but have to be cleaned up afterwards.

...actually, I don't really want to think about that.

Okay, let's try it this way. In all rationality, sex is an enjoyable activity. Even I will admit that. But when I am getting it every day every few hours -not so enjoyable.

I know if someone was looking into my thoughts right now, they'd probably wonder if there's something wrong with me, but they have to understand that though the spirit is willing, the flesh is spongy and bruised.

...I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before.

Anyway, if I was given the option to go back in time and stop all this madness from occurring, then I'd--

I'd...

...back on messes in general, I've got to wonder how I got into this one.

Oh right.

Haruhi.

Everything always begins with Haruhi.

I suppress the urge to put my palm to my face and groan.

"Kyon! What's with that gesture!-?"

Apparently, I didn't suppress it well enough.

End Prologue.

------

Warning list
COPYRIGHT
In Soviet Russia, Kyon owns Haruhi. Here and now, Haruhi owns you.
INNUENDO
Liberal use of every other word that isn't sex.
ROMANCE? HUH.
Pick a girl you think Kyon should end up with. If you picked one, you should probably get out.

The Enduring Stress of Kyon
Formerly: The Prank of Suzumiya Haruhi
By Arkhe

-----

Notes:
I'll address this now, I'm sorry, but I don't write lemons. I take a particular pride in pantaloon adjustments, but that's about it. Besides, humour fics go well with lime rather than lemon. ^_^

By the way, is this lime enough to warrant going into the lemon section? I'd looked at the rules, but it didn't go into citrus specifics. :sweat:

Okay, notes. Notes.

-I suppose a warning list after the point is useless, but I didn't really want to spoil it.
-There'll be 4 chapters, an epilogue and possibly a bonus 5th chapter.
<s>-This is still a working title. I'm open to suggestions.</s>

Concrit and comments would be much appreciated!

Prince Charon · Nov 26, 2007

Curious.

Please continue.

jwolf0 · Nov 26, 2007

Well, I don't think I've seen this before....

:rofl: :rofl:

Poor Kyon. So he services them all and is able to because Haruhi decided he could, but she didn't think about his comfort while having these marathon sessions, huh?

But seconding Prince Charon, please continue. I really want to see how this, um, came up. *rimshot*

Can't help with a title until moar is seen. And I'm afraid to ask, but where is Itsuki during all this?

Sunhawk · Nov 26, 2007

jwolf0 said:

Manning the camera, of course.

windfalcon · Nov 26, 2007

*snerks* This somehow reminds me of an idea someone came up with around here.. there was a snippet and everything, of how Haruhi came to believe that Kyon was building his own Harem, and using Haruhi to recruit members into it... and she was a very willing person to help too, from what I recall...

I don't want to blame F-One.. but I'm sure she did it.

Fatuous One · Nov 27, 2007

windfalcon said:

Ah, yes. The Unbridled Passion of Suzumiya Haruhi. I remember that, the snippets I posted are still up in my misc. thread. I still have around 12k worth of text somewhere on my computer for it too. Pity, since looking at it nowadays, I find the plot to be a cookie cut from hundreds of other ideas. Not really unique anymore.

A Curious Stranger · Nov 27, 2007

Damn. I thought this was one of those suggestive lead-ins that aren't actually about sex, but it actually was! That was pretty surprising.

Andrew Joshua Talon · Nov 27, 2007

Worthy of the actual series, this idea is.

Of course, considering how Haruhi excels at anything she does... And has such a short attention span... Why do I get the feeling she's going to go really, really kinky before her attention shifts again?

On the other hand, she may have found her true calling, the hobby that never gets old.

Kyon is doomed... A sexy doom at least, provided Haruhi doesn't turn into a yaoi fangirl.

windfalcon · Nov 27, 2007

Fatuous One said:

windfalcon said:

Ah, yes. The Unbridled Passion of Suzumiya Haruhi. I remember that, the snippets I posted are still up in my misc. thread. I still have around 12k worth of text somewhere on my computer for it too. Pity, since looking at it nowadays, I find the plot to be a cookie cut from hundreds of other ideas. Not really unique anymore.

Awww.. but I liked YOURS!

...That.. and it was unique at the time. Still would've loved to have seen more of it.

Ah well.. I'll get my jollies where I can take them i suppose.

locke69 · Nov 27, 2007

Andrew Joshua Talon said:

Not every teenage girl turns into a yaoi fangirl. Just about half of them that visit DA or FF.net from what I've seen.

And Arkhe, I humbly ask for moar. ...And I really can't give you any other input then you should move your title and disclaimer up at the top and that your foreword is as ironic as... I can't think of an example but I'm sure you get the picture.

Andrew Joshua Talon · Nov 27, 2007

locke69 said:

No, but Haruhi might get bored with ordinary sex... Unless she is, as I suggested before, a repressed nympho. And all the SOS-Brigade had to do to get Haruhi to calm down was to get her laid.

Hmmm...

TerraBull · Nov 27, 2007

If Kyon heard rumors about a choice between Yaoi and Kink Bondage, Master/ Slave things, what would ge decide? To take matters into his own hands? Become a Master and have Haruhi believe it?

Andrew Joshua Talon · Nov 27, 2007

TerraBull said:

In order to save his ass? He may have to.

Shiakou · Nov 27, 2007

I don't think Haruhi will let Kyon die as she is having too much fun.

Andrew Joshua Talon · Nov 27, 2007

Shiakou said:

Not save his ass as in save his life, but literally save his ass, my friend.

zeebee1 · Nov 27, 2007

The only problem with this is it will only be a lime.

Andrew Joshua Talon · Nov 27, 2007

zeebee1 said:

Of course, but it doesn't mean Arkhe can't imply a few things, right?

Legacy|iB · Nov 27, 2007

:jawdrop:

WANT MAOR

No, seriously. Please - keep writing, Arkhe.

Arkhe · Nov 27, 2007

Chapter One. Aliens.
Part I
By Arkhe

It all started with Suzumiya Haruhi seemingly inconsequentially putting back a thick book on the shelf among the (now assimilated) Literature club's meager supply.

The action didn't escape me, but considering my attention was divided in playing a card game with Koizumi Itsuki (and he must have the most awful luck in the world if he can't pick up four-of-a-kind), I didn't really think anything of it at the time. Though I've never seen Haruhi reading a novel that wasn't part of the school curriculum, I know she must've been an avid reader considering her eccentric hobbies would've required it of her.

Then Nagato Yuki arrived. She wasn't in the clubroom when I'd arrived, but Asahina and Haruhi were, and any worries I had about that were gently shooed away by the tender bliss brewed in a teacup by the refined Miss Asahina Mikuru.

However, our resident alien immediately picked up on the discrepancy, removed the newly added piece of literature, promptly seated herself and began reading. From what I could tell of the spine and the cover, it didn't look like it was out of place from the other books. Maybe it's always been on the shelf, just not where Haruhi put it back?

I thought nothing of it.

Not at least until ten or so minutes later when Asahina was making her rounds and took a passing glance at what kept Nagato's attention.

"Kyaaa--!!"

Poor Miss Asahina actually jumped back, both hands covering her mouth, her eyes wide and her face a brilliant tomato red.

Truthfully, my curiousity might not have been too piqued, if it weren't for the fact that Haruhi suddenly burst into hysterical laughter! She'd then walked over to Nagato, grin widening as she caught on to whatever was within the pages of that book, and gave the remaining literature club member a few pats on the shoulder.

"I got to give you credit! You sure know how to keep a straight face, Yuki!"

Recognising the tell-tale signs of a headache if left unattended, I stood up and started moving over to get a look at what was causing this disturbance. But Nagato did something that took me by surprise.

Thwap.

She'd closed the book before I'd even had a glimpse!

I guess my surprise must've been evident, because she'd then looked up and we'd locked eyes. I almost felt like a deer in headlights, the way she was staring at me. And like said deer, I was steamrolled by Nagato's indominatable impassiveness.

Sufficiently cowed, I backed down and returned to resume my game with Koizumi. Haruhi found something infinitely funnier at this, as it served to make her cackle even harder. That kind of action should've instigated some worry in Koizumi, but the esper of our troupe just gave me that fake smile of his and shrugged, as if saying that it wasn't any of his business!

Idiot! This could be bad! Do you think you can just ride this out?-!

"I don't think keeping Suzumiya entertained is necessarily a bad thing." Koizumi whispered conspiratorially in reply, that ridiculous smile of his just confirmed how delusional he was in convincing himself of his own foolishness.

I turned away and ignored him. I didn't know what to think, but all I knew was that this was going to be pretty bad; I just didn't think it could get as bad as it did.

-----

The next day at the clubroom had Haruhi still in high spirits, putting the stolen computer to good use (legal, I'd made sure). Pure maidenly Asahina was serving those heavenly concoctions of hers again and Nagato was back to book diving.

This time however the bookworm was engaged with a rather thick volume that wasn't the same as yesterdays. She didn't mind me sneaking a glance over what she read, and from what I'd seen; it did collaborate with the cover.

Medical jargon.

Indecipherable medical jargon.

That wasn't the title, but I think that would have been an accurate portrayal in either case.

Though this gave me no answers, my curiousity then drove me back to the miniature library the literature club accumulated. I'd already scanned the shelf for any semblance of that book much earlier, but found that it wasn't replaced. This time however I must've been channeling the powers of Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracey or Jack Bauer-sama to notice two oblique, but very important details.

Firstly, there was still an empty space as to that book from yesterday. And secondly, from my peripheral vision, I could see Nagato sparing a sidelong glance at my efforts.

I kept these facts to myself and resigned to just play games with Koizumi. For some absurd reason, he opted to play that game we played yesterday -perhaps keeping the thought that his luck would be better today.

It wasn't.

-----

Another day arrived, and since there were no mentions of closed-space, or time-quakes or any other strange occurrences, my interest on the subject of two days ago was waning. Though I think something else must've happened.

It wasn't difficult to notice the tension and anxiety that had suddenly become very apparent in the air.

Poor Asahina's cherubim-like face had gone beet-red and she was playing her clumsy maid role to the hilt.
Koizumi seemed a little tense. He wasn't quite focusing on the game we never stopped playing. (Between Asahina and Koizumi's inattention, I secretly hoped that the former would dump hot tea on the latter's lap, just to see if Koizumi can smile that off!)
Haruhi was grinning like the cat that got the canary. That in itself was disturbing.
Nagato was her usual quiet self; nose deep in a foreign novel.

I craned my head to figure out the title, and despite my flailing studies, I think the book she's reading now must've been philosophical in nature. I prided myself on the educated guess based on the 'Karma' portion of the title, but I don't think the 'Sutra' portion of it could deviate much from my guess.

"You idiot, Kyon!" Haruhi burst into guffaws, having been quite attentive to my musings (read: nosy). "That books says 'Kama Sutra'! Though I suppose it does have something to do with philosophic tidings!" She added before being consumed by an attempt to stifle more of her impending mirth.

Having little interest in being reminded of my ignorant nature by the very person who was contributing to the problem, I ignored her and confirmed with a glance that the book from two days ago still wasn't returned.

"Did you want to read that book?" I jumped at how Nagato picked up on my curiousity. So did everyone else (except for Haruhi, who was losing the war to hold back from doubling over). I guess no one was expecting a peep out of our avid reader today as with most days.

"Have you finished with it?" I asked, this time putting deliberate focus in ignoring our fearless leader having lost her struggle and falling off her chair in laughter.

"I've gleaned as much as I could out of it." She gave a nod. "I will put it back tomorrow."

With my curiousity on the subject rising again, but knowing that all my questions will be answered tomorrow, I let the topic go. However, our conversation just now had oddly furthered everyone else's mood, though I really can't imagine how it would affect everyone but our leader.

Seeing as to how Koizumi was even more troubled now, I sought out his attention.

'Closed-space?' I mouthed.

This seemed to snap him back to the present and he closed his eyes and gave that ridiculous smile of his. He waved his hand, signifying that it wasn't what I was thinking.

Oh well. Maybe Koizumi has some personal problems right now. After all, not all problems revolve around Haruhi.

I put back my cards and pick up another set of cards.

The Four of Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds and Spades look back at me.

Well, looks like I won this round of Stress.

Why are we still playing this game anyway? It's been three days now.

-----

This day I'd went to school early, heading straight for the clubroom -safe in the knowledge that Nagato will be there at this moment, and the other members won't be appearing until the appointed time later in the afternoon. It was just as well, because I'd probably need to privately discuss with the Brigade's alien as to what's going on.

I was right. I'd found Nagato sitting alone at her place in the club, this time nose deep in a graphic novel. (Honestly, I'd never pictured her reading anything outside of thick non-fiction, but hey, goes to show you how much I know about alien reading habits).

As soon as I'd entered, her eyes were on me and I gave a nod in greeting, to which her eyes slid back to her past-time. With pleasantries out of the way, I'd moved over to the shelves.

The book was there.

My hand came up, a finger hooked around its spine and gently tugged. It came out smoothly and once it was in my hands, I turned it over, so that I could get a better look at the cover. Blank. Ah, it was one of those misprinted novels that require it be kept with the jacket-sleeve. Unable to gauge a first impression from the cover, I went straight to opening it to inspect the contents.

Well, that was unexpected.

A block of text stared back up at me.

Feeling more than a tad disappointed, but definitely relieved that my fears were being laid to rest, I basked in the glow of the anticlimax. With my usual cavort with boredom setting in, I sifted passed a few more pages of disappointing blocks of text after blocks of text after blocks of text after--

The hair on the back of my neck rose and I briefly noted that Haruhi was entirely far too capable of this. Heck, I would admit to a brief macabre respect for the craftsmanship involved into doing this.

Our leader had actually taken the time and energy to carve a hole into the pages of the novel -a hole so clean cut, that it was almost seemed plausible that it was supposed to house a volume of dirty H-manga.

In fact, it was still housing a dirty H-manga!

I slammed the novel closed and for the second time for the whole of today, was surprised at the suddenness of Nagato suddenly intruding in my personal space -somehow interjecting herself in the space between the shelf and me!

Stumbling back at this, my legs brushed up on an object, which I would identity as a chair conveniently placed to soften my landing. The impromptu shock had my eyes landing on the graphic novel Nagato had set aside to put her full attention on me.

It was then that I saw a connection with all too much clarity.

Haruhi's prank.
The medical novel.
The book yesterday that was setting the other members on edge.
And now Nagato's new found interest in manga -H-manga!

There was a pattern here, and all the pieces were in place, but I'd yet to realise what all this meant.

Nagato stepped closer, leaned over me until our faces were only inches apart and placed a hand on my thigh.

"Do you masturbate regularly?"

Chapter 1 to be continued--

Notes:
I'm glad about the reception to the fic, but please keep in mind, if you figure there's something wrong with it, don't hesitate to let me know! Except to requests to change this to lemon! Apologies to zeebee1 and anyone else who takes offense to this!

Technically there's not much else to chapter one, but I wanted to make sure that I got my research right and also set up Chapter two to flow more cleanly. That and lulz cliffhanger!! hahah

This set-up partially worries me actually. I didn't think chapter one would extend for so long, which could throw off the other chapters. I'll be sure to check my notes again. When I finish, if I don't think it flows that well, I guess I'll have to edit this accordingly.

<s>Hmm... I just realised I missed out on a bit of interaction. I'll edit that into it next time. </s> Done

And F1, have you quit on that project? I'd rather like those...

<s>By the way everyone, I'm still open to ideas for a title. So far, I've got another two in mind;
The Backfiring Prank of Suzumiya Haruhi, or
The Bruised Spongy of Kyon.</s>

Though I really can't take credit from Futurama for that one. :sisi:
Edit- The final title's been edited into the work.

Oh, one last thing. I've actually done what Haruhi did for a friend's b'day. Except it wasn't a novel, it was the Urutsudokuji (sp?) -that Legend of the Overfiend movie. :snigger:

Andrew Joshua Talon · Nov 27, 2007

I vote for lemon. Anything else, I leave in your capable hands!

David Alan Abramczyk · Nov 27, 2007

Heh heh heh heh...

Poor Kyon is screwed. And in so many different ways it isn't funny. :evil2:

SOS-dan: :wub: :wub: :wub:

Kyon: :blink: :unsure!: :help:

locke69 · Nov 27, 2007

...H-manga... somehow I knew that it was going to be it after you mentioned 'book' and 'Haruhi' in the same sentence.

Now if only this omake idea for this fic would leave me alone. :headbanger:

Fatuous One · Nov 27, 2007

Discrepancy.

At least.

Curiosity.

Entertained. Conspiratorially.

Indecipherable.

Curiosity. Miniature.

*snort* Cute. Very cute. A 24 fan, are we? ^^

On. (I assume) Could also work as 'on our game'.

Curiosity.

Diamonds.

Craftsmanship.

In fact.

The shelf and me.

'though it might work better with a different pronoun.

Realize.

Most of these things could easily be corrected by a spell checker but... eh, what the hell. ^^;;

Arkhe said:

Well, I haven't quit it, no... 'though I have been contemplating whether or not to make it my first abandoned project. My plans for it extend for easily ten or so chapters, but the problem is that nothing in there is really... new. It's mostly stuff that I've recycled, and that leaves me a bit disheartened when I see stuff that actually is fairly unique. Kills my inspiration, so to speak (not that I can really say I'm an inspired writer). Work goes slow on it whenever I pick it up, and I've pretty much abandoned the 4k something I had for the prologue since it's so stale.

We'll see, I guess.

zeebee1 · Nov 27, 2007

David, you do relaise that if the entire group, minus Kyon, are part of that smilie then Kyon is going to need som e lube.

David Alan Abramczyk · Nov 27, 2007

I am fully aware of that. Why do you think I chose those particular smilies? And that particular phrasing?

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