The Prank of Suzumiya Haruhi

Arkhe · Nov 29, 2007

This portion of the chapter contains a spoiler for one of the novels.

Chapter One. Aliens.
Part II
By Arkhe

"Do you masturbate regularly?"

I blinked.

I can scarcely believe what I just heard! This coming from Nagato? Preposterous! I might as well be entertaining thoughts of the SOS Brigade being my own personal harem!

"Masturbation is a natural self-inflicting process that induces a number of benefits; the primary of which is that it can relieve depression and stress, as well as the prevention of prostrate cancer -all without the use of drugs and possible side-effects incurred with such use." Assuming that I might've misheard or misinterpreted, she explains with all the patience of a grade-school teacher, parent, pharmaceutical sales representative, or a sexual deviant. "It involves the sexual stimulation of the genitals, often to the point of--"

I decide on interrupting her casually speaking so much on such an embarrassing subject. "What does this have to do with anything?" I voice my question aloud, though I can guess the possibilities of where this conversation is heading.

"The reason I bring this up, is because in the time that we've met, I've been keeping a steady record of both yours and Suzumiya's health. Suzumiya has always been in a state of good health, however, on your account, I've noted a steady rise of the effects of stress in your body. It is required that you be in peak condition, since stress leads to anxiety and eventual mental burnout. These negatives will prove detrimental in your reactions to Suzumiya."

I could only gape at her.

"As of this current moment, I've taken note of another increase in stress within you. This will need correcting post-haste." She concluded.

"I'm getting stressed because of what Haruhi put into your head!" I admit, with no small amount of distress on my part.

"It is of no consequence."

You brush off my concerns just like that!-?

"Miss Suzumiya has corrected a blank portion in my information gathering. I said I would protect you," a memory of when she'd defended me from Ryouko arose, "thus it is not outside of my directive to monitor your health. It is imperative that you remain healthy. I will endeavour to keep you as such, as long as it is within my power to do so."

Oh boy. I think she's serious. (Not that I've ever known a moment where she wasn't.)

When she doesn't move, and I don't, I can only sit there wondering what to do next. I'm thinking she's wondering what she should be doing next too.

I blink.

She doesn't.

I blink a second time.

Her gaze still burrows into mine.

I begin to blink a third time, think better of it that she probably isn't ever going to blink and, in one sharp movement, pivot the upper-half of my body to get me get off the chair. Nagato proves that she still reacts faster than me, as while the hand on my thigh doesn't budge, her other hand whips up like lightning, grabbing my shoulder and forcing me to sit back down and face her.

"Do you not agree with me?" She asked with what I could imagine to be anxiety if she could ever express it. "Is there not sexual-tension between us that should further this event?"

"It's not that!" I attempt to explain myself and frantically try to pace my mind with a decent follow up with the dangers that could transpire. "You are an attractive person, and though what you say does have merit, the fact of the matter is--"

Zzzzz-zip*

..I'm far too familiar with that sound to bother looking down and visually confirm that Nagato just pulled down my zipper whilst I'd been distracted. Or ignored. Probably both.

Couldn't she just manually adjust the level of stress in my body?
Fiddle with the toxins and stuff?

Nagato paused before her hand could slip into my pants.
I don't think she considered that.

"You did modify the world." I continued in an attempt to dissuade her.

"...perhaps I have been too hasty." She concedes, the grip on my thigh easing up.

"To think, just for those scant few days, everything was normal. Haruhi wasn't a god-distortion-whatever, Asahina wasn't a time-traveler, Koizumi wasn't an esper and you," I punctuated it with a pause, "you were human too."

Before I could blink, my leg was clamped harder than ever, her other hand retrieved myself from my pants, and her face poised dangerously close over the source of my libido and sole contributor for 'lower-end' thoughts.

Suffice to say, my reasoning proved to be the entirely wrong thing to say. (Or rather, right thing, depending on a matter of opinion.)

"Now, Yuki..." I made a desperate attempt to coax her to stop this now. "You don't want to do something you and I would regret..."

Her attention immediately shifted from my eye to my eyes, with what I suppose was a rather fierce glint (of what could quite possibly be shifting data?) in those irises.

"Which would you regret more; having done something, or having done nothing?"

... that was unusually philosophic of Nagato.

"I'd have to argue that doing something that might lead to the end of everything is too risky." I triumphantly pierce her invincible rhetoric by attacking her logical Achilles heel with an arrow of absolute truth. "Though my health is valuable, making sure the world doesn't end takes first priority."

She deflated somewhat, as her purple mop bobbed with understanding and looked away. She's down, but far from out as she bounces back for round two.

"Let me put it to you this way; would you regret not going further after getting this far?" This is possibly the first time she's ever questioned me without making eye contact. I think this is also quite possibly the first time I've ever seen her appear so vulnerable.

I take a moment to answer. It's a moment too long.

Though before I'd been panicked enough to ignore it, I've relaxed a lot more now since then. So when her fingers give a soft feathery caress, I'm immediately standing to attention (need I say that it's not my legs doing the standing). Though it might've been just me, she gave off the vibe of personal satisfaction at winning my stalling game.

Before I can curse my inability to think quickly, it is cut short by a wonderful sensation.

I think it's because of being completely caught by surprise, in conjunction with my lack of experience with someone else on the matter, that I am unable to form a coherent thought, and all I can do is close my eyes.

To put it in a both metaphorical and semi-literal sense; 'she's got me by the balls'.

Despite my praise, I come to the realisation that Nagato did start off awkwardly. However, with each gentle touch, each encompassing squeeze, each passionate stroke, she adjusts to become even more gentler, more encompassing, more passionate!

I am putty to Nagato's soft caresses, building me as she sees fit.

Before long, she finally found the perfect tempo to which she worked like a well-oiled machine. So much so, that she knows exactly when to speed up, slow down, or adjust her grip -all to the most minute of calculated changes!

Belatedly I realise she is probably giving me the best visit from Mrs. Palmer and her five sisters I've ever had! Even better than what I can manage! This has me briefly curse the inadequacy of my own hand. She's done this for the past five minutes and she's already mapped out what's getting me going better than my own appendages!

It's only now that I make the first mistake of opening my eyes.

Her hair was disheveled, her mouth only a fraction open, her heated breathing becoming haggard, and her dark eyes glazed with anticipation.

That's what I was expecting if Nagato was human.

My expectations on Nagato as I've known her are nothing but painfully accurate; her violet hair is untidy as it always is and not a fraction more or less, her mouth is a thin uncaring line, and her eyes are as neutral as they always have been.

To put it succinctly, she looks just as expected of the best of expressionless poker-players and also completely devoted to performing her task. Despite it being unfair to describe Nagato as, I'm failing to find a better comparison than the fact I'm given a hand -given possibly the best hand in all of the world- from essentially the equivalent of a mannequin!

I know that was rude, but it's just that I'd even go so far to say that she looks nearly bored of the fact -almost as if I was just another menial chore akin to washing the dishes, cleaning the classroom or tolerating Koizumi's fake smiles.

Ugh. I can't believe I just thought of that idiot right now.

Then almost as if she read my mind (later she'd tell me she read the electrical signals that registered my disgust) I feel a velvety wet appendage trail upwards to the top.

In all my fevered years that have passed and those that are yet to come, I could only hope to match what she'd had done so far. It was with that seemingly innocuously simple gesture, that she reached a whole new tier that would be impossible for me to emulate (nor would I actually want to).

Nagato has pushed me to a whole new euphoric state. With her tongue, she laps, dabbles and sucks, causing me to wriggle, stiffen and spasm under her ministrations.

She is unequivocally a siren of legend -those women of the seas who, with their songs, draw sailors to their watery graves. Though, unlike those sirens, her tempting song did not lay in her voice, but the rhythm and unmatched dexterity and control of her fingers and tongue, easily more than capable of bringing a man to their knees, and enticing them to dance on the knife-edge of Armageddon and...

and...

and...

...and why the hell did I have to open my eyes again!-?

Reading me like an open book, Nagato goes straight for the culmination of the final chapter and I can't stop myself from riding the climax.

If our interaction were like a book, this would be the beginning of the epilogue, as I look and trail over Nagato's face. She's a sordid mess of white, like someone let loose a veritable portion of liquid soap or hand cream. (That's entirely my fault.)

Though for some odd reason that I can't explain, she looks expectant. (Which is also likely my fault too.)

I'm not quite sure why, but I reach over and wipe away a dollop, from her cheek. "Ermm..." The words catch in my throat. "Thanks for looking out for my health...?" I say awkwardly, to which she gives a nod and proceeds to slipping myself back into my pants. (And if I insulted her, that's my fault too.)

"H-hey!" I say, unsteadily decided of what came next. "What about you?" I offered. Actually, do aliens even...?

"It is unnecessary." She answers. The sound of my zipper being done up is akin to the finality of the slamming of a judge's gavel and she stands to move on to other things.

As if things couldn't become even more unpredictable, the door opened and the newcomer took one step inside before freezing in mid-step to take stock of the situation.

"Ah?" Squeaked the pinnacle of femininity, Miss Asahina, unsure how to interpret the situation.

My eyes could only widen at the impossible amount of evidence mounted against Nagato and me! Our resident literary alien need only to turn around to prove the foregone conclusion!

Miss Asahina reached for a textbook that I didn't notice was on the table, "I forgot my textbook here yesterday." She needlessly explained. "Did I interrupt anything?" Brilliant brown orbs darted around nervously.

Nagato turned around and I could feel my heart stop, as I feared the worst.

"There is no problem." She'd said, as monotonously as she usually did.

If only that kind of saying were true, Nagato. But the evidence would say otherwise.

"Evidence?" Asahina repeats, and both females turn to look at me, one questioning and the other unreadable.

I then notice that Nagato is completely clean and not in any way unkempt. I believe the air is even free of my pollutants! I personally cannot believe I'd ever doubted her!

Asahina's eyes land on an object and an assumption crosses her mind. "Ah... That." She wavers, looking like all the world wanting to take a step back.

I trace her gaze to that damnable prank Haruhi played on Nagato, still clenched tightly in my hand, dangling off the side of the chair. "Ah, yes." My mind finally catches up. "We'll have to remove this from the clubroom in case the school has some sort of surprise inspection."

I allow myself to stand up and stretch from my reclined position. "That and I have to speak with Haruhi about not doing this kind of thing again." I turn to Nagato and to the best of my acting ability, gave her a pat on the head. "I sincerely hope Haruhi hasn't offended you too mu--eh...?"

I didn't intend for that last part, but it just slipped when I realised that I'd left a small streak of baby-batter on Nagato's hair (a glance to my hand had me realise that I'd still had some of it when I wiped it from Nagato's cheek).

Nagato herself reached up and slipped a portion of it onto her hand to find out what had stumped me.

Even unsuspecting, sweet, innocent Asahina couldn't stop her own curious self from approaching and dabbing her finger in for an inspection.

I kept my uncomfortable peace as both girls closely examined the dabs they held, rubbing at it with their thumbs, letting the substance run over their palms and fingers, and favouring the opaque fluid with individual neutral and curious (and entirely ignorant) looks.

I never felt like adjusting my pants more at that exact moment.

A pouting expression appeared on Asahina's lovely visage -reminding me of a rather determined lamb, as she procured a handkerchief on her person and dabbed at our collective hands and Nagato's hair, coming to her own conclusion.

"It must've been the fault of some mischievous bird."

...I suppose you could say that, Asahina.

End Chapter One. Aliens.
Once again, concrit and general comments are appreciated!
And no, still not a lemon.

Next up, Chapter Two! Time-travelers!

-----

Notes:
Good grief. I think I nearly wrote a decent Kyon/Nagato!

<s>When I get around to posting Chapter Two, I'll combine this and the first part in a single post.</s> (Geeze, my previous notes are a mess, aren't they?)
Edit- changed my mind on the combining.

Let's see... Stuff I got to keep track of would be... I started using book euphemisms towards the end, though probably mildly clever, feels kind of out of place, since I haven't really used it up until then. I'll see if I can fit more along the way when I fix it up, especially back at the start. If anyone can recommend me a place to fit some in, that'd be grand!

Kyon's reaching the end of his rope is kind of tame. I have to figure a way to get more distance out of that. Heh

Can't really think of anything else. I guess I'll figure it out in a week.

I'll probably start putting this up with my other fics soon, but that's after I get around to reading the novels again and trying especially hard to capture Kyon's voice and thoughts.

<s>Oh, as for titles again. I'm toying with;
-The Bruised Spongy of Kyon (credit goes to Futurama on that)</s>
-The Enduring Stress of Kyon
<s>-The Backfiring Prank of Suzumiya Haruhi
Suggestions are still welcomed! </s>

Btw, locke69 -you shouldn't fight it! :yay:

And thanks for the concrit, F1!
Honestly, I do put my work through spell-check, but that's before I put it up on ff.net. That and well, I did study US English until I was five, to which I moved to Australia where they're quite fond of the way the Brits use it. Oh, us with our u's after o's, s' instead of z's and the accursed metric system.

You'll have to forgive me if I switch between colloquialisms. I don't do it intentionally! Really! I don't! Sometimes an ass looks better than an arse! :snigger:
(And I'll be going over my previous chapters with a spell-checker after this post)

Ah, a bit disheartened to continue, eh? Sounds like the same reason why I haven't touched the Naruto section in a long while. All I can say is to whip it all out anyway. People tend to remember the skill with which one employs an idea, rather than with who came up with it first.

Oh, and I'm actually not a fan of 24. Never got around to sitting down and watching it. But after you've seen so many memes on him well... haha

Akuma-sama · Nov 29, 2007

:yay: :yay:
This is getting awfully close to lemon land without being outright descriptive... Can't get much closer to it though!

teko · Nov 29, 2007

I heartily cry for more. Keep it up(in more ways than one).

Edit: after rereading the chapter and noticing the title, I hope that there won't be a chapter titled "Espers," or if there is, I hope it doesn't turn out as my fevered mind imagines it will.

Fatuous One · Nov 29, 2007

Arkhe said:

Oh. Interesting. I was completely unaware that British English used 's' instead of 'z' at points. And while I was aware of the 'ou', my mind skipped over it while looking through your snippet. I don't really find colloquialisms to be errors unless they're slang usage where it couldn't be, so I'll be keeping this in mind when viewing things now.

^^

Arkhe said:

True, true... but I've never considered myself a very talented author, so I tend to need some sort of edge when writing to make things interesting, otherwise it just ends up boring (from my perspective). It's not exactly a crutch as it is proper usage of shock value and the like. Or so I'd like to say. ^^;;

Well, either way, I will try to look over it after TMLC is done. I'd actually thought it was mostly forgotten. Hah.

Arkhe said:

Strangely, despite frequenting 4chan and the like, I haven't run into any 24 memes. How very... odd. Then again, I never browse /b/.

On topic to the fic, I have very little in the way of real critique this time around. You handled this section of the story perfectly, in my opinion.

A few points of note, 'though only one of error:

I honestly think I heard a 'Jiiiiii' sound effect in my head at this point. Haha. ^^;;

As far as I know, 'boredly' isn't a word. 'though the sentence is a bit awkward anyway, I'd suggest revising. Maybe something along the lines of '...so far to say that she looks at it like a boring menial task, almost as if I was...'

Kyoncoccyx Hyougoianus?

^^

Good stuff. I'm looking forward to more of it, 'though if it gets anymore graphic, it will NEED to go to Lemon section. It's skimming the issue pretty close as it is, honestly.

locke69 · Nov 29, 2007

Arkhe said:

<a href='http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc209/akun50/Plus3_lr_39e.jpg]Are you sure? Its involves this.[/url]

grant · Nov 30, 2007

Wow, I wasn't aware it was possible to go that far without creating a lemon, I'm probably impressed. As for Koizumi, the author is God, maybe a pairup of Koizumi/Secondary character for some reason.

Elvarein · Nov 30, 2007

Nah, no need for that ;p Hes the obligatory character with the unknown sexual orientation?. Hes there to make Kyon for the purity of his ass while not actually doing anything, or making situations more awkward than they have to be ;p

toraneko · Dec 1, 2007

Heh. The only criticism I really have that hasn't already been mentioned is the mention of Karma Sutra.

Unless that was a pun, it's spelled k-a-m-a.

On the other hand, the irony of a book called "Scripture of Cosmic Retribution" in a place more or less run by an immature brat of a god-like being is just so amusing. :snigger:

zeebee1 · Dec 2, 2007

I was pretty sure it was intentional.

Arkhe · Feb 8, 2008

Quite a few things contributed to this part taking so long;
-disliking a few portions of this chapter
-real life
-focusing on other chapters
-holidaying
-my modem dying
-returning/starting other fics

That and sorry for not replying for so long! I guess I didn't want to post in the thread without having another part of a chapter ready!

-----

Chapter Two. Time-travellers.
Part I
By Arkhe

It's later in the same morning that I exited the clubroom in a daze and wandered about aimlessly. Truth be told, the longer I wandered, the easier the thought of blowing it off as a dream became (no pun intended!). Eventually Taniguchi stumbled upon me and circled me off to the classroom to arrive on time. Of course, the tension came back full circle when I found Suzumiya Haruhi seated, looking as haughty as she always does.

Oh boy.

I took my seat in front of her, retrieving items from my bag and simultaneously storing some in my desk, all the while trying to hold back the cold sweat. I dared not to look behind me, just in case that's exactly what she was banking on to force a confrontation about my part in those escapades.

Tense seconds turned minutes, yet the accusations didn't come.

Doesn't Haruhi always know what I've been up to? She has a rather disturbingly accurate tendency to know if I've been thinking something perverted. Why hasn't the world ended? I would've thought she'd have caught on to me!

"Caught you on what?"

I crack a smile, ignoring her question and thereby driving her up the wall.

"That's a load off my mind!" I proclaim, having realised just how paranoid I'd been.

I don't miss the ironic 'weirdo' comment from Haruhi, but I'm too thankful a mood to let it get to me.

Luckily Haruhi can't read minds!

"I don't need to when you talk loudly to yourself like that!"

Huh. Right, right.

---

As soon as the bell chimed, signaling the beginning of club activities, I could only watch helplessly as the envious bastards of the 'go home' club left school grounds. I fondly remember being an active participant of that particular club, up until I'd been roped in by Haruhi for her brigade. And speaking of being 'roped in', she had me by my tie yet again right now.

"Kyon! The student council is putting my club into question again!" She iterated whilst stalking, and I had little choice to listen whilst being dragged by my mishandled attire. "I'll be facing those jerks and I'll be taking Vice-chief Itsuki with me, so--"

Then she spun around, jerking me to a standing position. My hands instantly went around to loosening the makeshift noose around my neck, so that I can resume that breathing habit I'm quite fond of.

"So I'm going to have to put yo-" she thought better whilst in the middle and smoothly continued without so much as a tiny hiccup, "-Yuki-chan to hold the fort! So you pass on to her the message!"

You're putting Nagato in charge?

"I certainly can't put Mikuru-chan in charge." She gives an unladylike snort. "She's our mascot!"

I tilt my head at her with an unspoken question and she understands immediately.

"What? You?-!" She scoffed incredulously. "I can't give you responsibility! You're always playing games!"

I feel a tick in my eyebrow. Truth be told, I didn't actually want the role; it's just the principle of the thing! Besides, I honestly can't imagine being the sit-in leader of the SOS Brigade even requiring brain-functions higher than remembering to breathe!

"But Koizumii always plays against me! And he's Vice-chief!" I point out. I really don't like being accused of being lazy, since on some days, I certainly know how Atlas feels having the weight of the world on your shoulders (or in my case, the roundabout way of keeping Haruhi satisfied and thus keeping the world spinning by proxy).

"Of course! Vice-chiefs get luxuries and working holidays!" was Haruhi's response, firmly believing in every word she said and defying quite a few laws because of it (specifically work-laws not applying to school activities).

Good grief.

Oh well. It's not as if Nagato's going to care either way.

"Now that we got that sorted," she spun on her heel and started heading in the direction towards the first line of defense for her club and away from the base of operations itself, "I've got an appointment to keep."

As she closed the distance between herself and her destination, in a very Haruhi-like expectant fashion, she had started shouting some last minute orders at me. "And don't go starting a mutiny in my club!"

"I won't." I called back.

"And don't you dare lay a hand on Mikuru!"

"I won't."

"And don't go poking your head into some alien's business without me!"

Too late.

"WHAT WAS THAT!-?"

Haruhi's cries of the death penalty haunted my strategic retreat.

---

Okay. I'm in front of the entrance to the former Literature Club room and I pause from entering to organise my thoughts that I'd put on hold up until this very moment.

If by any chance that this morning wasn't a figment of my imagination while I'd zoned out during my normal morning routine (which I might add, would have been the absolute best daydream I've ever had bar none [though I've had better conceptual ideas]), then this means that Nagato is fixated on my ... well-being, and I definitely need to put my foot down and bring something to her attention.

No wait.

Got to focus.

I'll probably need to remind her -forcefully remind her- that Haruhi would likely end all our existences if I was up to anything remotely perverted.

Yeah. That sounds good! It's short and to the point, so I'll tell her that!

So with Haruhi and Koizumi conveniently aside, I'll be able to confront Nagato and--

Upon stepping into the club, I found Nagato already seated and certainly absorbed in another book (that kind of graphic novel again). What I'd completely forgotten was that there was another member that wasn't preoccupied elsewhere.

It was the angelically divine form of Miss Asahina Mikuru who was gazing longingly at the sky, trapped in that elaborate guise of a mortal maid. Or perhaps she had the nervous gaze of a very uncomfortable young woman, who didn't feel all too comfortable with another... person currently engrossed in gratuitous fiction in such close proximity -although I'd still like to attribute Miss Asahina's expression to the former.

At my entrance, it was Miss Asahina who glanced up with a curious look - completely unaware of having single-handedly and unknowingly thwarting my plans to resolve the little dilemma between Nagato and me. However, it is her heart-warming smile that has me forgive her her transgression. Her moving to deign me with a cup of her prepared ambrosia was just a pleasant after-taste to the fact. Her action however, gave me a brief moment to glance over to our most quiet member.

With an unexpected audience interrupting my plan, I'd allowed myself the luxury of some very interesting memories of the morning to rise to the surface and I suppress some urges that didn't have anything to do with taking a seat (though I do take a seat because I'm not going to accept Miss Asahina's tea while standing).

You know, not once has Nagato looked up to acknowledge my entrance.
It's not a mild pang of disappointment I feel. No. Really.

The exact moment I take a sip of my tea, was when the silence was broken by the person that it was least probable to be broken by.

"Your demeanour is lacking." The statement is punctuated with a turn of a page.

Three guesses who said that, and the first two don't count.

Before I can think of a reply -and still without looking up- Nagato states in monotone; "Do you require my services?"

The tea that was making its way down my throat takes a shuddering turn to make a return trip and spray out of my mouth, which in turn caused a distressing cry of alarm from the poor third member of the club. With Asahina's curious doe-like eyes fixing on me with naive, if anxious innocence, I manage a 'No, that's unnecessary.' in between coughing fits.

Both girls accept my decision unanimously. Nagato does not pursue the issue because I am truthful, and neither does Asahina because she is much too polite to intrude on business that she's not privy to (for which, I am very grateful).

Our club's cosplaying maid tops up my cup of tea with an unquestioningly wondrous smile and it is with a heavy sigh, that I allow myself to slide in an almost boneless manner, further into a near-reclining slouch in my seat.

Cradling the cup with both hands, I can't help but be drawn in by the swirling shapes in the rising steam. My thoughts lightly flit over to what would happen if I did accept Nagato's offer just now, and how would Asahina react to it. Would she continue as she is now, ignoring what was going on with emerald tinted glasses, and still respond to me with that dazzling smile?

...the thought has me sit up, so as not to reveal my body's embarrassing reaction to that thought.

---

It is some time later, that Haruhi and Koizumi make their triumphant return. Rather, I spoke too soon as all is not well when Haruhi is making that sort of scowling face.

All the same, Miss Asahina graces them with a hero's welcome and offers them her delectable brew. Haruhi drinks it in one gulp, much alike an experienced drinker who indulges in shots of vodka.

How barbaric, I'd wanted to comment, but instead, assumed aloud; "I take it things didn't go as well as you'd have liked?"

"We didn't get anywhere!" Suzumiya scowled. "We're going to have to go back and keep fighting the good fight!"

I'd have no doubt that Haruhi would never move an inch on the sanctified ground she's claimed during her crusade. That fact would've frustrated both sides, since they would've wanted to relinquish Haruhi of her hold, and she was probably fighting tooth and nail to find ways to expand her influence.

I almost feel sorry for her, since I'm in the know that this is just another way to keep her on her toes without making her go off the deep end on another Haruhi-related world-disaster.

"I swear!" Her face turned all sorts of unsexy disgruntled shades, and she started on her inevitable tirade, "they all have sticks up their-" here she immediately turned on me, and her features settled on an interesting shade of burgundy "-my face turned all sorts of what!-?"

Did I actually monologue during her brief pause?

Luckily, I took advantage of the bell signaling the definite end of all school activities and speedily slipped out and thus saving myself from further embarrassment. Or the death penalty. It's probably synonymous.

-----

It's been a long day, I've returned to the comfort of my own home and just retired to take a bath. It's right before I get in that I finally decide it's time to settle some unfinished business.

"Nowhere near Nagato's level." I address my hand. "You shame me."

The bath time passes by in a relaxed soak -or in other words; with much disappointment.

-----

The following day went by like the others.

The others before yesterday, that is.

The way I figure it, I won't go to the clubroom in the morning, I'll stick to Taniguchi and Kunikida during lunch, and I won't have to worry about Nagato when I go to the clubroom today when Haruhi, Koizumi and Miss Asahina are present.

The first two-thirds of my plan go off without a hitch, as Nagato doesn't bother to approach me during those time-periods anyway. However the final third...

Having just closed the clubroom door and taken my seat, I realise that only the resident alien and myself are present.

Okay. I can accept that I'd forgotten the fact that Haruhi and Koizumi are going back to the meetings again, so they won't be arriving too soon, but Miss Asahina's missing as well?

"Asahina Mikuru has classroom cleaning duties today." Nagato plainly stated from her kneeling position in front of me. "She had reported this information immediately after you left yesterday."

Ah, I see--

"Umm... Nagato." I stammer, as my fly goes down -and not of my accord might I add. "What are you doing?"

"Resuming treatment." She went straight to business.

--oh boy.

-----

I did it again.

I allowed what happened yesterday morning to take place again. Don't get me wrong, I did manage to get my wits about me this time and put more physical effort in trying to escape. Though I expended a lot of effort to try to hold Nagato's head away (and no, I wasn't encouraging her!), she was surprisingly very strong when it comes to things she's rather passionate about.

...that was probably a poor choice of words.

Anyway, all I can do is curiously watch Nagato begin putting things back to the way they were, beginning with my pants, just like last time. If it's anything like last time, she'll address her school uniform next, and then her face last.

Huh. That makes me wonder.

"Do you do that on purpose?" I'd left the question hanging, since I was still too embarrassed to complete it. "You know. Knowing when I'd--?" I punctuated it by pointing at her face -or rather what I had oh so messily distributed.

"Yes. It was deduction to be able to control the predicted point of when and the trajectory for maximum impact." She answered.

"Maximum impact...?" I can't help but repeat her wording. This is Nagato after all. She wouldn't say anything unnecessary. (Nor can I believe the term could apply to this kind of situation. It at least sounds like something from out of a fighting game or perhaps a perverted mang... Ah.)

"It appears appropriate for the cultural mannerisms for me to do so, instead of ingesting." She replied concisely.

Nagato thinks it's appropriate to get gunk all over her face!-?

"One week ago, during an initial ten minute investigation, I have observed one-thousand and twenty-three mediated acts involving only designated-Japanese carbon-based life-forms engaging in copulation. Two-hundred and four of which concluded with the male marking the female's face and only seventy-three that did not."

Huh? But the math doesn't add up. That's not even three-hundred, and yet you said you'd seen over a thousand? Wait. In ten minutes, you've found and reviewed over a thousand illicit acts?-!

"Ninety-one of my observations has been classified under miscellaneous-" WHAT!-? "and as for the remaining six-hundred and seventy-five involved multiple participants, wherein there was only one target. Japan is the source origin of this practise and is formally named buk-"

"Yes, yes!" I hastily interrupt her, rubbing at the growing irritation under my nose. "I'm well aware of what Japan is famous for!"

It's too weird discussing such a frank conversation, when two students just did something unsanitary in a clubroom, and one of the participants has the evidence of said unsanitary activity still splayed over her face. Why hasn't she cleaned that up off her face yet? Has she ceased all activities just to answer my questions? Just what kind of alien are you, if you can't multi-task?

It is during the pause, that Nagato asks with a tilt of her head; "Would you rather I orally consume the excess?"

I am floored. Then I am further grounded by Nagato deciding for me. I can only watch in mute horror (and relative arousal), as she takes a finger to her face, traces off a string, and then puts it all into her mouth.

Oh boy.

"I will be sure to ingest on the next occasion." She states, having accurately read my reaction. "And alternate on odd intervals."

Just then, the clubroom door opens.

"He-" Dear sweet Asahina begins with a greeting, but immediately catches onto the oddity of knowing she'd walked in on something, but not having any proof or, as I'd like to believe, her innocence simply cannot process the line of thought, "-is something wrong?"

Nagato's already turning around to face Asahina, and though my vision will be obscured by Nagato's mop-like violet hair, I have no doubt that there will be no proof when Asahina's eyes land on Nagato's face.

Another close call.

"Did you say something, Kyon?"

"No, nothing."

Chapter 2 to be continued--

Notes:
The way I wrote this still bugs me, but this is the most fluid I've got it so far. I'm hoping that by belting this out as it is, I can get out the other half faster and then look at it as a whole, which might help out in smoothing it out.

If anyone feels like a bit in it doesn't flow right, drop me a line and I'll see if I can fix it (especially if you don't know why it doesn't flow right). Feedback would be much appreciated!

Btw, I've been unable to spell-check on this one. Msword is mia at the moment. :sweat2:

Akuma-sama
Definitely glad to hear that! Means I'm fulfilling one of the criteria for this fic! :snigger: But I'll try to squeeze as much as I can out of this one! haha

tek
About that... *cough*

F1
Thanks again for letting me know about the bits that go wrong! Though I do like to write, I do like to improve writing as well! (And boredly didn't make it past my spellchecker at the time either, only I'd left a note to myself to rewrite it, which got removed from the rewrite haha :sweat

I'd definitely have to agree with you when it comes to writing and originality though. Some things just don't have the same flair when they've been beaten like a dead horse. But then again, you probably need a different perspective. This fic for instance, was partially inspired by my goal to skirt as close to a lemon as possible without it being one!

locke69
Good sir, you haven't convinced me otherwise. In fact, I'd go so far to say the opposite! For the good of the word! :mmm:

grant & Elvarein
Koizumi. Heh. Well. We'll see.

toraneko & zeebee1
Pseudo-unintentional actually. :sweat: Simply because it was one of those moments where you write, forget the joke, skip ahead, acquire an acute case of dyslexia reading over it, and having it vaguely eat at you without knowing why.
I'll be fixing that soonish!

And I'm out!
<s>Got to finish that bloody Azumanga Daioh fic... And sleep. Haven't figured the priorities for those yet.</s>

raisins · Feb 9, 2008

Arkhe said:

That's what she said.

I even first read it as "the most fluid I've got out so far". This is awesome, keep it up, etc. :lol:

marthf1 · Feb 9, 2008

Ah, the wonders of innuendo and Kyon's monologuing. Awesome stuff.

And if this is how Nagato acts, I fear for Kyon's sanity when Asahina joins the fray, much less Tsuruya... Then there is Haruhi... URK. The title is so ironic...

Fatuous One · Feb 9, 2008

Tired, tired... but let's see...

More stuff spellcheck would get for you, but I'll do anyway:

'in front'

Hah. Poking fun at the style of Kyon's monologue, eh? =P

'signaling'. Also, you might want to insert a comma after 'chimed'.

Hm. Not sure, but I believe that it isn't 'make-shift', but rather, 'makeshift'.

'without', I believe.

'Unladylike'. Unlady isn't a word by itself. ^^;

Hm. I'm not so good with keeping with tenses myself, but since you've been going at the story with a present tense, I believe that that would be 'tilt', not 'tilted'.

'turns'? Actually, unless you specify that you're trying to keep it in present tense, I won't be 'correcting' these anymore. I'm not even sure I'm doing it right (as I said, tenses are a weak point of mine).

'gratuitous'

'Nagato and me' or 'I', 'myself', etc.

'suppress'

Ahh... this sentence is confusingly structured. I'd consider revising it to something like: "Not once since I entered has Nagato looked up to acknowledge my entrance." Or something. The 'entered', 'entrance' is a bit redundant, but not many people have problems with that.

Ah... the comma is odd, there. If you're trying to make a pause in the monologue, switch it to an ellipsis. Otherwise, it's better off without it.

A double 'of'.

To my dismay, 'bonelessly' isn't a word (I've tried using it before myself). I can't think of a suggestion for a revision at the moment either. :/

That is some friggin' hot tea. ^^ I believe 'steam' would work better there. Also, I believe you meant 'as'.

'burgundy'

Uhh... While I still think this is amusing, it's getting to be a bit overused with so many appearances in such a short time.

Also, Kyon speaking in between her brief pause seems odd in terms of time, but he seems to realize that. =P

OH MY GOD. XD

Sorry. I seriously lol'd there. 4(2)channing much, Kyon?

On grammar, the comma after 'day' might serve better as a full-stop/period, though it works either way.

'in front'

'a lot'

'at least'

'meditated', 'Japanese'

Haha... anyway, good stuff. Had me laughing at quite a few points. ^^

Arkhe said:

Heh. No problem. It's good practice either way with spotting errors. As long as you don't mind the posts, I have no problem doing them when I have the free time.

The tenses bit I didn't really want to get into, for the reasons stated, and also because I just went through a massive undertaking of that sort with one of my experimental fics. Ugh. I'm never writing in present tense again if I can help it (especially since I just ended up cutting it all back to past tense when I thought it sucked).

Arkhe said:

Mm, yes. I do agree with your last point as well, though, at the point an idea becomes a clichÚ, it's a mark of a good writer to be able to make the idea into an excellent story. Can't say that I'm to that level, but I honestly, I'd read stories about a pear going up a stairway if it were by certain authors. =P

As to your fic, I can say that you're doing well, in my opinion. The part with Nagato was very, very close to passing that line. I'd say that if you posted it on FF.net, you'd likely get reported (not that the administration CHECKS the reports, but if you get enough of them, your stories gets removed automatically IIRC).

Regardless, it's all good. ^^ Looking forward to whenever you write out more.

locke69 · Feb 12, 2008

:huh!: How the? Who the? ...Alright, alright, right after I write up some stuff for my forum, I start working on that omake idea of mine that you reminded me of. *Sighs* Just as I started to get back in the mood to write up more of my Dot Hack and Haruhi cross.

Arkhe · Feb 25, 2008

Foreword: Huh. I just realised I'm writing the soft-core equivalent of pwp. Oh well, can't stop now!

Chapter Two. Time-travelers.
Part II
By Arkhe

Not too long after Asahina's arrival, Haruhi and Koizumi returned from the meeting as well. Our great sulking leader informed us of the current situation in that she and the Vice-chief will be indefinitely busy because the situation had escalated to total war (when I met Koizumi's eyes, he disturbingly didn't shrug off Haruhi's claim), and that, as her loyal subordinates, the rest of us must be the final defense against the hordes of enemies that threaten the SOS Brigade's existence. Or in other words, "Even if you must sacrifice your lives, do not let those jerks come anywhere close to our club with a change of locks!"

Just how many enemies have you made both yesterday and today alone!-?

"It'll be fine!" Haruhi gave a dismissing hand gesture. "We are the SOS Brigade! We're on the side of good, so there's no way we'll lose!"

Actually, we illegally obtained the former Literature club's facilities as well as having the IT Club hook up our computing hardware and lines (which hadn't been honestly attained as well), therefore we're in the wrong. Any act of defiance can be construed as an act of terrorism on our part.

"We're freedom fighters, Kyon!" Haruhi corrected me in an irritating manner. Then she began counting off other synonyms on her fingers for good measure. "Freedom fighters! Revolutionaries! --"

Terrorists?

"No!" She skewered me with a furious glare. "Not terrorists!"

You're using the wrong definition. I'd be a freedom fighter if I wanted to force change from being under a tyrannical dictatorship like say Napoleon or Chairman Mao. But I'm definitely not because never once have I tried to usurp you of your control.

"As if! You're possibly my most loyal minion!"

Only overlords have minions, thus synonymous with dictatorship. And don't call me a 'minion'!

"Well, I guess I will have to spread the SOS Brigade around the world, so I guess it fits after all..." She said having thought on it for a moment.

...the heck? First she denounces being the enemy and now openly accepts it in just a few lines?-! How did that feed your ego!-?

"You know, every time you open your mouth, you're making yourself out be more of a lousy first step to taking over the world!" She squared a finger at me rudely. "I'm your merciful leader! You should be groveling more! Needs more groveling!"

Do not want.

"What was that!-?"

"Umm! *Ahem* S-sorry to i-interrupt!"

Luckily, my running mouth wasn't to be the death of me today, because the lovely, sugary sweet visage of Miss Asahina demurely stepped in.

"As of tomorrow, I won't be able to attend club meetings on a timely manner either."

"Eh?-!" Without a doubt, this new development would've had Haruhi forget her place in our argument. "You're our mascot! This is horrible!"

Miss Asahina went on to profusely apologise and eloquently explain how she's been paired up with Tsuruya for a class assignment, and that she'll be late for our gatherings.

I think I can see where this is going.

"This is regrettable." Haruhi sighed with a shake of her head. "But it can't be helped!"

Of course it can't! School work's school work! You've got to set your priorities straight!

In either case, the SOS Brigade's chief perked up and looked to the other available female member. "Then Yuki! You're instated as the temporary leader of the SOS Brigade!" Haruhi instructed, turning on me with a mischievous grin, knowing full well in advance that I never did bother telling Nagato that particular detail. "Remember to keep Kyon in line and make sure he shows up to the club every day!"

Nagato gave the briefest of nods and merely accepted Haruhi's commands.

I know I saw that coming but I still have to say it--

--oh boy.

-----

Over the next few days, I learn what the new schedule is.

When the bell indicates the beginning of club activities, Nagato's already waiting for me outside of my classroom, ready to escort me to the clubroom. If I didn't go in the direction of the club, she would maneuver her hand into mine and calmly lead me to our destination. I always try to convince her otherwise, but I always end up getting 'treated'. The moment we're finished and Nagato pulls up my zipper, Miss Asahina timely arrives and nearly catches us each time if it weren't for Nagato's magic-like cleaning abilities! Then right before the bell rings, Suzumiya and Koizumi would arrive and belay to us their futile efforts.

If I was a pervert, I guess it would be sort of exciting the way we always finish up on the nick of time right before Miss Asahina arrives. If I was a pervert that is.

-----

Okay.

It's been some few days now, and today I'm going to take a more active role to make sure this doesn't pan out like it usually does. Sooner or later, we'll get caught, and I don't know how long Nagato thinks she can keep these 'treatments' up before Haruhi finds out!

Thing is, I don't think I've been approaching all of this from the right angle. But now, I think I know how to guarantee success!

This time, when school's out, I walked with Nagato voluntarily, having taken her hand instead of her taking mine (I think she might've paused for a second to process my action, but I can't be too sure with Nagato). When we arrived at the SOS Brigade's hijacked clubroom, I opened the door to let Nagato in first, then entered after her and made sure not to close the door behind me. When she crossed to the other side of the room to close the blinds, I made good on my escape.

*Wham!* "Argh!"

That was the sound of me bouncing off solid wall, instead of walking through an open doorway.

Quickly standing up, I redirect my attention to search for the exit, in case I'd stupidly traveled along the length of the wall without considering it.

To my horror, there is only an endless plaster wall, built as if a door never existed for this part of the room. Just like when Asakura locked me with her when she wanted me alone...

Uh oh.

I turn around--

*Zzziiip

--I thought so.

I can only groan haphazardly, pressing my back against the wall, when Nagato began on her motions.

"Unn..."

It was like a moment of Zen.

Yes, the very picture of perfection of the rock-hard, sturdy cliff and the gentle lapping of the ocean waves.

The scene could taken further in abstraction in that you could almost feel the warm, comfortable sunshine in endless blue skies, the smell of the salt of the distant sea spray, the touch of the shifting grains of sand beneath the feet, the sound of chirping gulls and the footsteps of playing children...

I blink.

"Nagato..." I begin to ask, eyes squarely on the alien. "Hypothetically, what happens if Miss Asahina arrives at the clubroom before the time she usually arrives?"

"Then Asahina Mikuru is timely." Nagato managed to reply right after my question without a full mouth. It was such a seamless synchronized motion between mouth to hand back to mouth, that for a brief moment, I was reminded of a spectacular sports play between the team.

I could only ponder for a few seconds on what Nagato meant by that as the footsteps stopped in front of the reconstructed entrance(!), opened it and the aforementioned about-to-be-tragically-scarred upperclassman stepped through.

"Good afternoon, Kyon!" She cheerfully smiled at me as soon as she spotted me leaning against the wall next to the door, then turned her gaze downwards and belatedly noticed Yuki as well.

"U-umm... G-good afternoon, M-miss N-Nagato." Her eyes turn a little glassy and her smile fell like toast does -butter-side down. "P-please excuse m-my i-i-intrusion." She apologises with a hasty, but deep heart-rending bow.

...Huh. I guess she doesn't ignore situations like these after all.
But you certainly couldn't say that she wasn't polite either.

It is with a sudden agile quickness, that while Asahina was apologising, Nagato locks the clubroom door. It should be said that the violet-haired girl hasn't removed a hand from my person yet, nor has she actually stopped in her ministrations.

"Ehhh!-?" Panic became plainly evident on our mascot's face and she did not look down at Nagato's continuing contribution. "Why are you locking the door!-?"

"Isn't the reason clear?" Nagato answered coolly, turning to put her full attention on Asahina and finally letting go of me.

What reason? We can't just easily dismiss Nagato's handling my junk so easily, if at all!

I do my best to quickly re-tuck my dangling bits, pull my zipper up and scrape together the last portions of my dignity.

"Is Kyon... sick?" Asahina unsteadily ventured, having somehow picked up on the exact topic that hadn't anything to do with Suzumiya. Actually, I'm quite surprised that Asahina had correctly rounded on the base reason for this charade. Could it be that she thinks of me often? It's a comforting feeling knowing that Miss Asahina considers my well being to be prioritised!

"A physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes either bodily or mental tension to alter the body's equilibrium." Nagato cited smoothly.

"Stress." Mikuru correctly surmised Nagato's definition with a nod of understanding (somehow missing me swatting Nagato's hand away and my zipping up again).

Ah, right. That reason. I'd nearly forgotten. I still don't think it'd make a good excuse anyway. At least it wouldn't be, if it were anyone other than Nagato claiming it.

"Stress is a common affliction for people involved with time-travel." Asahina clarified for me in an oddly authoritative voice for her (she doesn't take notice of how Nagato's pulling my fly down again). "Most people in our line of work have multiple duties. You would be surprised at how many people are actually involved in the time-traveling process. It's not as much as you'd think."

On her conclusion, she got an odd look in her eyes. She was just staring ahead, seeing only something she could see. If I were to compare it to something, she almost gave that haunted hundred-yard stare of an experienced soldier. Except on Asahina, it looked like she was kind of lost -as if she was trying to decipher Leonardo Da Vinci's writings without knowing Italian, or knowing you need to use a mirror.

This was probably the only way to explain how she's ignoring the interplay between Nagato and I and the battle to whether I should be in the public domain or private.

"There have been too many that succumbed to that particular fate..." She might've mumbled, but I'm a bit busy here.

Then the milk-chocolate brunette turned to me, her eyes marred with the glistening of unshed tears, "Are you dying, Kyon?"

No! Where in the world did that come from!-?

"I've managed to halt the deterioration in health." Nagato inputted her piece, finally pausing in her efforts and I get my fly back up to end our feud. "However, there have been no set results whether there will be a full recovery within the immediate future and be ready to face Suzumiya Haruhi at 100 percent capacity."

Asahina digested this piece of information with a troubled nod of her head. "Then something must be done..."

You guys really shouldn't talk about me like I'm not here.

"This meeting is not unintentional."

Nagato's declaration must've set something off in the poor time-traveler, because Miss Asahina began to frown in earnest thought. What are they getting at?

Asahina wiped away forming tears with the back of her hand, and then folded said hand into a fist. "Yes!" The brunette had a determined glint in her eyes (as well as more welling up tears) when she turned to face me. "You can count on me, Kyon!"

Why are you giving me that look? Am I some sort of mission now?

She brushed a stray lock of hair back over her shoulder, and gave a confident nod. "I won't let you die!"

Being a bit melodramatic, aren't you?

Before I could stop her, Asahina was already on her knees, my zip is back down and I am held in her closed hand.

Then she began.

"..."

I am at a loss.

An absolute loss.

If skills could be described using Fairytales as euphemisms, Nagato was the swan that turned into a princess and Asahina was the prince that turned into a frog.

Or was it the frog that turned into a prince...?

In either case, if you're a straight guy, you don't want to be saddled with another guy or an amphibian. Most straight guys anyway. I'm definitely one of them. Straight guy that is.

Okay, back to Asahina.

Let's carefully ignore the fact that Mikuru's not covering new ground (because let's face it, even I have to admit to falling short in comparison to Nagato's other-worldly skills), but to put it in layman's terms, Nagato gets the full 100 points for skill, but 0 for enthusiasm. Whereas Asahina gets 100 for enthusiasm and 0 for skill.

What does this mean?

Well...

Anyone who believes in this 'A for effort' would denounce it, if they ever met anyone who was trying to yank off dangly bits! Yes, despite her tiny frame, Asahina's vice-grip and piercing tugs scream otherwise!

I could only watch in mute horror as those pristine hands of womanhood encircled me and, instead of a gentle caress followed by an unsure feathery stroke, Miss Asahina clutched with a grip akin to squeezing out the last of the toothpaste, which then followed up with a motion unlike wrenching off a particularly difficult bottle cap.

I'm screaming. Screaming in my mind. I dare not utter a single peep, lest I drive away the angel that had descended on high to gift my lowly, unwashed, undeserving self the chance to bask in her providence.

Such a monumental act of suffering...
A veritable world of excruciating pain...

With a fierce pull, the mountains shook.
Another furious yank and the oceans part.
A ferocious heave and the heavens tear.

The pain rises to such a degree that the moment becomes eternal and time slows to a crawl. I could feel the world turning. Somewhere, the sun has risen and it is a new day for at least one person out there.

Then Miss Asahina found the will to employ the use of her mouth.

I couldn't stop the hiss from escaping mine.

It wasn't any better. Not by a long shot. I could feel the scrape of every contour of each jagged tooth drag along myself. I'm reminded of those biker gangs dragging some poor tied-up hapless person as they cruise around on some rocky dirt roads, which by chance, if Asahina goes any faster, I should probably expect some sort of burn-marks.

And her tongue. That wouldn't have been bad at all if only my poor abused charm didn't feel like a wound where someone was pouring sal--

"Did you happen to snack before arriving at the club, Miss Asahina?" I asked through clenched teeth. Luckily I managed to reign the cursing in before they could escape through that opening.

"Mph? Yes, I did, Kyon!" She pulled her face away and resumed with hand-to-appendage combat instead. "I had some salty pork rinds just before arriving!" She took on a perky but curious look, before it changed into an embarrassed one. "O-oh! Can you smell it on my breath?"

"No, no. Just a thought." I answered without thinking since I was a bit more worried about my vision starting to turn blurry and everything going dark. I heard more than saw her breathe into her hand and smelling it, before thinking nothing of it and resuming with her mouth.

I vaguely lost consciousness, because at this exact moment, I can feel the planet rotating an entire 365 days around our sun.

In the waking world, Miss Asahina's stamina might have finally caught up with her, because I feel a reprieve and I open my eyes. For the first time since she started, I catch her staring up at me with unshed tears. I'd have little doubt that there were tears in mine either.

This was an opportunity I could not waste. My body moves in auto-pilot -no doubt its reaction is to quell the vindictive abuse and satisfy its attacker with a sacrifice.

"Mmp-eeeek!" Miss Asahina lets out a cry as she pulls herself away. Though I won't ever tell her, the relief in this action is two-fold; one obviously being my release and the other being I am finally free of this!

When I refocused on the selfless time-traveler, I find my relief short-lived as my heart dropped.

Miss Asahina was coughing demurely; completely miserable. She would have to be! Her immaculate visage was marred with my unworthy grime! To be more specific, half her trusting face was coated; long stringy portions covered one side of her face over her left eye, her pristine hair a sticky mess and her cute mouth dripping with a combination of fluids, a spittle of such every time she weakly coughed.

What have I done?

I feel like a pathetic wretch who'd thought that defacing the Statue of Liberty would be good for a laugh, and only realising their disgusting folly afterwards.

I am no better than scum.

"Miss Asahina..." I started, taking her hands in mine. She looks up to me with what I can justify as hesitation and outright fear. "I've done you a grave travesty! If you wish it, I will end my pitiful life right here and now!"

This sudden confession shocks her, but she smiles -proving without a shadow of a doubt the saint she is, "You have done nothing wrong, Kyon." She reassured me in that tone of hers that is as soft as a lonely rain cloud. "Despite your thought of misgivings of this act, I am actually more happy that I am able to be of service to you! I've asked so much of you as it is."

Then she stands, and my eyes follow her motion. "Do not think that this cheapens what we have." Her eyes hardened into a secure confidence I've only ever seen on her future self.

With a tilt of her head, the smile she casts at me is like a life-preserver in troubled waters. "You are my friend, Kyon." Despite my filth, that smile was as brilliant as the sun in a cloudless sky. No, wait. The sun in a clouded sky.

Truly, I cannot be more humbled, being in the presence of an angel.

Then she sneezed on me.

-----

We'd all pitched in to help clean, or in my and Asahina's case, minimise the damage, and Nagato's case, merely erase the evidence (who I'd all but forgotten at this point because all she did was resume her dirty manga once Asahina was dumped on my lap). All the while, Asahina seemed to constantly war with herself, her face lit up like a 300-watt red light globe. We were just about finished and were practically ready for Haruhi and Koizumi to rejoin us, so I took that time to ask the time-traveller what was bothering her.

"Is something the matter?" I queried, to which her face scrunched up in confirmation to my thoughts. "Is there something on your mind?"

In hindsight, she says the exact thing that I wish I didn't have to answer.

"Did I do good, Kyon?" She asks with all the innocence like a child asking their parent if they made them proud.

There was a pause. I could only assume she thought I was catching my breath.

"Yeah, you did good." I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. Not with what we've been through - our new-found understanding, my void-like guilt and her impassioned speech.

"That's good! I'll be here right away tomorrow then!" Her cheerfulness is nearly blinding. "Tsuruya and I've finished that assignment, so I can be here when the club's supposed to meet! I won't let you down!"

"..."

I said I'd take my life for you, Asahina, but I didn't want you to take my livelihood instead.

-----

It's been another long day, I've returned to the comfort of my own home and just retired to take a bath. It's right before I get in that I finally decide it's time to settle some unfinished business.

"Nowhere near Asahina's level." I address my hand. "I'm thankful."

The bath time passes by with much relief.

At least it would have if a hand didn't clasp mine, right when I stepped out.

I attempt to straighten up, but a voluptuous chest pushes against my back and another hand snakes out, grabbing me from behind. I briefly catch the glimpse of milk-chocolate brown silken hair.

"Hello Kyon." She greets me in that remarkably soft voice despite her age -though the additional years only gave it a more hardened and seductive edge. "It's been a while."

The bathwater will probably need changing after this.

"Well, aren't you at least going to greet an old friend?" She gives my ear a tentative lick, causing chills to run up and down my spine.

Hastily grabbing a towel and throwing it around my waist, I turn around and indeed confirm it to be the well-endowed, dressed for business, older Miss Asahina that decided to pay me a visit in my own home and time-frame!

"Miss Asahina!" I jovially greet her to cover up my embarrassment. "I knew to expect you at any time, but I didn't expect any place either!"

She giggles at my joke, but a moment later all smiles disappear. At the new atmosphere, I assume that in a few minutes, I'll be herded into another adventure that'll take place some few years ago.

"Well, I'm sure we probably need to go somewhere, so just let me grab my clothes..." I take a step towards the changing room, but the older time-traveller halts my movement with a stiff grip on my shoulder.

It was with a deathly serious look that she relayed to me, "I don't have much time, so we'll have to make this quick I'm afraid."

Then no sooner did she say that, she began to unbutton her business jacket.

"U-ummm..." I choked, being unable to connect the events between keeping time regulated and Miss Asahina undressing. "W-w-what a-are you d-doing?"

She actually gave me a curiously confused look, as if I did something entirely unexpected. "Ah?"

"This is a b-bit fast, isn't it?" I try to explain. "I m-mean, I still b-barely know the older you, and the y-younger you, we just... today... I... you..." My words stumble over each other as I'm unable to channel a coherent thought in my head and so my sentence finishes prematurely.

A few moments later, it dawns on the older Miss Asahina. "Oh! I'm too early!" She actually gave her head a light knock in self-scolding that I've seen Miss Asahina do a few times as per a ridiculously cute habit that it is.

Too early for what?

"I'm afraid that's classified, Kyon." She said with a shake of her head.

Not that again!

She giggles for a moment, then takes me by the hand, "Oh well, but at least we can still do this."

I'm prompted to seat with my back propped against the tub and I don't have to imagine what comes next.

If I had any lingering doubts whether or not that this was the future Miss Asahina Mikuru, they were quickly dispelled by her act. I quickly recognised Miss Asahina's technique akin to taking a power-sander to my two-by-four. Or both rows of teeth feel all too familiar to my liking (and I take a sad satisfaction at knowing that). Or maybe it was the really unpleasant stinging sensation that underlined this action.

"Your breath smells nice, Miss Asahina." I manage to comment.

"Why, thank you, Kyon!" She answers with a grateful smile. "My first time with you like this had you try to politely point out my bad breath! I'm sorry for my poor hygiene!"

"So you brushed your teeth, and used... Listerine, right?"

"Right, you are!" She cheerfully confirmed, and brushed back a stray lock of hair. "I can't believe it took me this long to realise that!"

It took you WHAT!-?

She ignored me however and went straight to town.

In the time that she started, she's shown to me that she's gained a lot more knowledge concerning her technique over the years. Meaning she's learned new ways to butcher me and that I'll probably be on the receiving end of some of these - I sincerely hope both all and none of these techniques ever come my way (it is from Mikuru after all).

Right now, the older Mikuru settled on using her feet, which is a welcome change from the grip of her hands, but a not so welcome change from her ill-placed grinding heel.

In either case, maybe it'd be far from me to say so since I'm the one being fawned over, but Older-Mikuru, the way your holding and pointing it is kind of precarious...

It is the exact moment when all the planets become barren dust balls and all of time grinds to a halt that the aged time-traveller manages a well-placed slide of a toe -the only highlight of the whole torrid affair- that I lose control.

It's only then that the older Miss Asahina reviews what's she's done.

"I'm so sorry, Kyon!" She apologises, though I'm not sure if she really means it due to the way she's trying to stifle a giggle.

I don't reply. It's not that I'm feeling indignant because I can plainly see the business-like older Miss Asahina having difficulty holding a laugh at my expense. I just don't want to open my mouth.

Or rather, I can't. It's unpleasant enough as it is.

End Chapter Two. Time-travelers
Once again, concrit and general comments are appreciated!
Still no lemon though!

Next up, Chapter Three! <s>Espers!</s>

Author's notes:
How'd you guys like it? Still want a lemon of this? :cumdrool: Haha

I think I might've gone overboard with the description of Mikuru's face. I'll probably end up editing that.

Btw, I went back and did some spelling and grammar updates to the previous chapters (thanks again toraneko for catching me out on Kama Sutra!). I'd also decided on going back and using synonyms for 'swallow' as well as changed some of the more coarser words, so people reading will find every other word but sex. Heh.

raisins
Oh, she did, did she? Haha, glad to hear you like it and I'll try to keep a closer eye on my notes from now on

marthf1
Kyon's safety is subjective at this point, wouldn't you agree? As for Tsuruya and Haruhi... There'll be opportunities to slide in some divine intervention... :snigger:
(Btw, the title I'll be sticking with is 'The Enduring Stress of Kyon'. I just can't edit the thread title is all.)

F1
You discovered my three weaknesses!
1 - consistently misspelling alot, atleast & infront.
2 - I'm also horrible at keeping track of tenses as well. I go by the 'sound it out' rule of thumb. If it sounds right, it just might be! :sweat:
3 - last weakness is using fake words that sound like the real deal. I've actually disregarded spellcheck quite a number of times to slip a 'cycloptic' in every once in a while. I don't think I'll be breaking this habit soon, haha

I was prepared for you though! I've ran this through a small-end spell-check, so there'd be far less spelling mistakes on hand! Careless disregard for tenses and muddled sentence structures on the other hand... :sweat:

So... Am I closer to passing that line? I might've gone overboard with the Mikuru's face description. I did decide to go back and censor some words and use less 'graphic' ones, haha.

Don't sell yourself short! You're a good writer, F1! At least, that's what I could tell from your dump(l)ing grounds.

It's a bit hard for me to read, only because you seem to get into so many series that I'm unfamiliar with! Haha, now I figure I've got to catch up with my writing, as well as find out what are some of the more interesting series' to dive into!

A pear going up a stairway?-! I'M SO THERE!! :lol:

locke69
You know... You don't have to write all your ideas. :sweat:
Just the ones that keep you awake at night :yay:

Luthorne · Feb 25, 2008

Ow. Poor, poor Kyon. :snigger:

Good stuff. Look forward to more. :sisi:

grant · Feb 25, 2008

Thats certainly something I never expected of Asahina. Possibly every partner she ever had was too piteous of her to explain matters.

Prince Charon · Feb 25, 2008

:wacko: Iiitaaaaiiii. I'd like to think, if I ever had a blow-job that painful, I'd bloody well tell her that she was doing it wrong. Kyon is much more polite, though.

lunaitc · Feb 25, 2008

Brilliant, although still suffering from gramatical errors (you mentioned Kyon's "zip" at one point) Now, I can't help wondering what the strike through the <s>anticipated</s> expected title for the next chapter means. I hope to revieve my answer soon.

foesjoe · Feb 25, 2008

Prince Charon said:

I think not telling her has left the boundaries of politeness and entered the area of Stupid

@Arkhe: Good stuff. More of this would be much appreciated

Fatuous One · Feb 26, 2008

Oho! You've prepared for me this time, eh?

Well! I'll still get you yet! =P

'Irritatedly' isn't a word. Needs a revision... something like "Haruhi corrected me with an irritated expression, and then..." or "Irritated, Haruhi corrected me and..."

They don't really flow as well, but they're simply suggestions.

Eh... that's not a proper use of a semicolon. It should be able to stand by itself as a proper sentence. As it is, it should be a comma.

Works better if 'hers' is 'her'.

Zen should be capitalized.

'Synchronized'

're-tuck.'

'were.'

'self-providence.'

'quell.'

Works better if it's 'No, wait, the sun in a clouded sky', I think.

Heh.

Hah.

I hope this type of thing continues.

Heh....hahaha... Haha...

I can't wait.

'coarser' or 'more coarse', not both.

=P

I spotted some other fragments, but honestly, I feel that some of them work better in a stylistic way as they are. ^^;;

Some of the references and dialogue in this chapter killed me, seriously. I especially liked the beginning with Kyon and Haruhi batting back and forth about word usage. XD

Heh. Well, we all have weaknesses. Whenever I attempt present-tense (which, thank god, isn't often), number 2 is definitely one of mine. I always spellcheck my crap, so I don't often run into 1 and 3, though.

Indeed. I only spotted a few things off. ^^ And yeah... I can't really help you with the latter, it being a problem of mine as well. ;_;

I'd say it's tip-toeing over it, but... HEH. In all honesty, with your description of it, I can't really see many people reporting it for that scene.

'less they find that type of stuff erotic. =P

For some reason, it always surprises me when a writer I respect compliments my work... Nhh. Well, regardless, thank you. ^^;;

I tend to branch out, yeah. My favorite fandom is probably the Nasuverse (Tsukihime, Fate/stay night, Kara no Kyoukai... etc.), but... eh, the more you've read, the more you can write (for).

And as Haruhi needs more awesome fiction, I hope you'll give birth to more interesting fiction in this fandom for a while. ^^

A KINDRED SPIRIT!

^^

toraneko · Feb 29, 2008

As someone not much turned on by the idea of fellatio, let me just say THIS ISN'T HELPING!!!

...but on the other hand, I haven't enjoyed mental trauma this much since the first time I watched Excel Saga. :snigger:

Arkhe · Apr 1, 2008

Foreword: Sorry, this is really rough. Uni's being really busy and I'm falling behind in everything. Graphics card seems to be eating itself too. And damn whichever moron in ff.net thought it's a good idea to remove dashes for chapter breaks. Damn that moron to illiterate reincarnation <s>or something</s>.

-----

Chapter Three. Espers.
Part I
By Arkhe

It's a pretty good morning and it should be said that it's been nearly two weeks now that I've been involved with two members of the SOS Brigade. On an aesthetic level, I'm completely unsure of whether to keep this going or not, but common sense is telling me to figure out a plan to drop this before it blows up in my face (albeit half a week too late).

"Yo Kyon!"

I turn to return the greeting of my ignorant-of-recent-events-concerning-myself friend, Taniguc-- wait.

You're not Taniguchi. You're not Taniguchi at all.

"No, I'm not." Koizumi Itsuki jogged up beside me, matching my steady pace. Steady for traveling tiresomely uphill, if I do say so myself.

We're silent for a time and I feel like one of us missed a cue somewhere.

"Another closed-space didn't open up, did it?"

He seemed a little taken aback but shrugs it off, "Well, I guess whenever we talk, it's mostly because I'm the herald of bad news." He waved a hand nonchalantly. "No, no. Not today."

The silence hadn't even settled when he'd suddenly asked, "Not looking forward to another Sleeping Beauty encore, I take it?"

I rolled my eyes. Even he had to know how ridiculous that was. No one would be looking forward to any event that had a chance of ending the world.

Our walking side by side began to bother me for another reason altogether though. Does he normally take this route to school?

"No, not normally." He admitted, fake smile at the ready. "Just felt like it for today." I was completely ill-prepared for small-talk between us right now, but Koizumi didn't appear to mind, or even notice for that matter. As well as moving on into my personal space (which I was too tired to bother chiding him on), he went on to prattle about mundane things, like his class being assigned a project, Haruhi's talks with the student council getting nowhere and how his job's going to call him up today.

I continued to tune out his incessant blathering, but only up until we arrived on school grounds and I'd changed into my school shoes. I couldn't quite ignore the pair of hands slide on my shoulders, give an uncomfortable squeeze and was given the advice; "You shouldn't be so cynical all the time, Kyon."

I turn to give Koizumi an incredulous look, but all I see is his back getting further away. Frankly, I'm thankful our interaction is over. I was getting that horrible feeling like I was being eyed by a retail assistant with a measuring tape.

Huh. Weird thought.

-----

Anyway, surprise, surprise, it was that time of year again, where the male and female students were separated as to be taught a certain kind of education. I would've thought we'd have been over this, but apparently, Okabe-sensei thinks we need a refresher course -what with our 'raging teenage hormones' or what-not.

It's in the middle of the lesson and I'm barely paying attention, but skirting enough to at least know when a question was undoubtedly going to be thrown my way.

"What type of sexual activity staves off pregnancy?" Our teacher stops next to my table and pointedly turns to me for an answer. Did I call it, or did I call it?

"Oral." It's what I've been getting more than what I wanted as of late.

"Correct." Okabe-sensei gives an approving nod. "Is there another type that also holds off pregnancy?" He scans the crowd and stops next to another student (that he probably didn't know the name of).

"Rectal." Koizumi answers with closed eyes and Okabe-sensei nods his satisfaction.

Normally Koizumi's in another class, but for this particular lesson, all the male students of the same level have been gathered together, so the lesson wouldn't have to be given more than once. Personally, I'd just attribute it to lazy teachers and Okabe-sensei drawing the short-end of the straw.

In either case, the anally pointless lesson continued, allowing me a brief moment to catch a look from Koizumi; wherein he did one of those absurdly fake smiles of his.

Ugh. I feel as if centipedes were crawling up and down my spine.

Okabe-sensei moved on another route between desks and continued with his lesson. "Please note that these forms of sexual activity is applicable to homosexuals as well."

-----

The class finishes early (due to 3 percent from boredom, the other 97 percent being how Okabe-sensei's teaching descended into homosexual habits -which included some strangely ambiguous personal anecdotes- and the general awkward atmosphere thickened from there) and we're all dismissed for the better part of twenty minutes until the next class is set to begin.

This was the first time I've seen a class clear out so quickly. In fact, I'm still arranging my things to be orderly replaced into my bag, that I could easily discern a certain esper making himself comfortable in the seat next to mine by the echo of the rustling sound of his movements.

"Ah, that certainly was an interesting class, wasn't it, Kyon?" He started amiably.

"As interesting as watching your own parents heavily making out in public, then yes, it was interesting." I snorted. Honestly, I know some methods of teaching are unacceptable (like the 'throw-a-condom-at-them-and-let-them-figure-it-out' way of thinking), but sometimes there's stuff like this that just doesn't pan out either.

"It's not good to bottle feelings." He nearly sounded admonishing. "It just builds up."

I give him a half-lidded stare of disbelief, but he merely shrugged it off. Damn him! In either case, it's a long moment before I face away again to finish up with my bag. Using my distraction as an advantage, he suddenly spoke up again.

"Besides, sometimes it's good to know these sort of things. Mental trauma builds character. Or," an open hand does lazy circles in the air, "at least opens the mind to alternatives."

I stood and twisted sideways, towards Koizumi, to exit my row. Unfortunately, since my faculties were focused on my scathing wit readying a razor-sharp reply, I wasn't able to stop myself from stumbling into the esper -who had been facing away from me at the time, bending forward to retrieve the satchel he'd left hanging on the seat's support.

My momentum pushed him further forwards, to which his reflexes allowed him to catch himself with one hand on the desk and the other on the chair's seat, whilst I, unluckily, could only put my hands on his hips to stabilize myself.

"Why do I ke-ke-keep leaving my bag behind...?" A familiar singsong voice came from behind the closed classroom door. I could only dread the oncoming warning for all of a second before the entrance opened and the aforementioned owner of the voice stepped in.

It was another all of a single second when Taniguchi saw our compromised position, jumped backwards and pointed at me in utter shock. "Wha-!!"

I was in more shock that I couldn't believe a similar scene from a long time ago had alternatively re-enact itself so easily -as if I was a horrible plaything of some sinister god or half-wit amateur writer.

"Please excuse my intrusion!" Taniguchi bowed low and let himself out, never turning his back on us during his egress.

The loud banging of the door slamming shut had me finally regain control of my body, allowing me to fling myself away from Koizumi. My dignity has been heavily abused the past week or so, and this certainly just added another shovel of dirt over the coffin as it were.

There's a long silence, and I leave it to the other male of the SOS Brigade to fill it with something ambiguous -as was expected of him really.

"That was kind of funny, wasn't it?" Koizumi gave a weak laugh.

I can't even muster up giving a dirty look at Koizumi. He would've probably enjoyed it.

-----

The bell rings with the finality of another school day yet again and before I can head off to face my destiny (I will not make innuendo of that), a certain someone barred my route.

"Well, Kyon," Koizumi puts a hand on my shoulder, "I'll be heading off now."

I only bother with giving him a nod in reply. In all honesty, I think I've seen enough of this guy today as it is.

He gives my shoulder a squeeze in, I suppose, a way to acknowledge my reply. A few curiously odd moments pass as I wait for him to go through with his statement and actually leave.

"Be sure to give Miss Nagato and Miss Asahina my regards." He gives my shoulder another pat, which is followed by another squeeze when I nodded to his request.

It's after another few odder moments that I glance between that faux-smiling face and the hand that's been on my shoulder for a rather inappropriate length of time. If I had been a little more self-conscious, I'd hope we're not giving off the wrong impression on anybody that just happens to be watching us. Again.

"I'll try to join the club as soon as I can." His third goodbye is just as obvious and as awkward as the two preceeding it.

"Aren't you going to be late?" I blurt out, feeling the discomfort was overwhelming. Don't forget to take your arm with you. I didn't add that out loud but I'm sure he'd been able to read that emotion accurately.

"I'm sorry." He apologises, "It's the oddest feeling really. There's something about today that I can't quite put my finger on-- (you have your fingers on me and it's creeping me out) --and it's just that the past few days, this feeling's been concerning you. I can't help but feel today will be the culmination of what's happening and that later, something big's going to happen."

What he said next was with such distant finality, that even I couldn't help but almost feel the anxiousness that rolled off of his vague pondering.

"Something that'll change what we have..."

Then his worry petered out in mid-sentence, and out came that noncommittal shrug - the one he wields so perfectly that it never fails to piss me off.

"Ah, it's probably nothing." He brushes the previous topic away with a wave of his hand. "See you at the clubroom, Kyon."

And with that, he strides away, giving me a short wave over his shoulder.

I'm really glad that's over. I was getting that horrible feeling of great anxiety, worry, paranoia and claustrophobia - probably much alike the small new feminine prisoner having dropped a bar of soap in the communal shower.

...I wish I'd thought of a better euphemism than that.

Chapter 3 to be continued--

Notes:
No comment. I said I'd write this, and so I'll see it through.

Luthorne
Thanks, mate! Probably didn't really look forward to this chapter though, eh? :sweat:

grant
It was my plan all along to give Mikuru such a subtle but unforgiving weakness. :snigger:

Prince Charon
It's probably more Asahina being able to make Kyon jump through burning hoops with her cuteness alone!!

lunaitc
Well, here's half an answer! What can you make of it? :sweat: haha, seriously though, about my errors, it might be a while before I can free up some time to address last chapter's ones. I will though. I'll overhaul the whole fic sometime. I've been omitting things all over the place actually, because I really want this whole fic to flow perfectly, so I'll be adding stuff back in when I can figure it out.

foesjoe
hehe thanks mate! Don't worry though, I'll explain it when the time comes. Most likely in the next part, otherwise during the epilogue or the additional chapter.

F1
My apologies for how crude this came out, F1. I'd figured it'd been too long between updates and I'd wanted to let the people who read this know I haven't given up <s>(though at this point, I wouldn't be surprised on some opinions on the matter)</s>, but I'd been exceptionally busy as of late. The thought of the riddles of nonsense I didn't catch have me at a pause. Or something.

In either case, I'm fond of sentence fragments.
Makes things more dramatic.

:angel:

Btw, I've just recently acquired Fate/Stay Night, and despite having it for a week, I've yet to find time to sit down and go through it. T_T I've so little time, that I'd taken to keeping a notebook around with me to write down inspirations, and unfortunately, I dug into several fandoms including Phoenix Wright and Airgear. Even more unfortunately, I struck half a dozen other Haruhi ideas, one of which is vying for my attention and could easily become the most serious fic I'll ever write.

And the 2am haze surrounding my brain insists irritatedly is a word. I think. I'm irritatedly avoiding an assignment due tomorrow in either case, so there might be interference... :wacko: (edit: Or is it irritatingly...?)

toraneko
Haha, someone HAD to be bad at teh sex! I just happened to pick Asahina because, let's face it, Kyon would let her get away with anything! (And I had to add to Asahina's helpful record!) :rofl:
So... how're you finding this chapter for mental trauma? hehe

Luthorne · Apr 1, 2008

You're evil. Pure evil. But amusing, so I can forgive you. :snigger:

locke69 · Apr 2, 2008

*Looks from the quarter finished omake* Damn... you used most of my idea for the omake here. Oh well. *Goes back to writing either more of the omake or more of another report.*

Saw a few things that looked wrong, but nothing too bad.

Format is a little off though.

The Prank of Suzumiya Haruhi

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member