Naruto The Sensuous Dirty Old Ninja

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Let's say that Jiraiya gives Naruto a full explanation for just why he is such a dirty old man early on in his training. Rather than it being for purely practical ninja reasons, it instead reflects Jiraiya's very philosophy on life:

Naruto: Geez Ero Sennin, do you have to stare at every pretty woman around?

Jiraiya: OF COURSE I DO! To not do so would be an insult!

Naruto: What?

Jiraiya: Really Naruto, think about it! All these pretty girls are pretty for a reason. They put an enormous amount of effort into being pretty, by working out, training, taking care of their skin and hair, and dressing right! They WANT you to look, to appreciate them! To not look makes you look like a total coward, or that you have something on your mind other than them! It's an insult!

Naruto: Well... I guess... But-But it still wrong!

Jiraiya: Says who?

Naruto: ... Says... Says everybody!

Jiraiya: Well, not everybody is me. Did you know, all the best ninjas are dirty old men or women at heart?

Naruto: Really?

Jiraiya: Of course! You knew old Sarutobi! He was one of the dirtiest old men in the history of Konoha! And he lived well into his eighties for the simple reason that he didn't let those naysayers and killjoys prevent him from appreciating pretty girls! All this stress over not being able to look or compliment a girl can be killer!

Naruto: Seriously?

Jiraiya: Seriously! Look at me: I'm in my sixties but I'm no pushover! It is because I don't let the stress of some fuddy duddies too cowardly to appreciate the beauty around them get to me! I look and all are enriched by my looking because they know I have nothing to hide!

Naruto: Wait... Don't you?

Jiraiya: Yes, but as it usually doesn't concern them it doesn't make them worry, and that makes it easier to accomplish a mission when the people around you are not on their guard.

Naruto: Wow... Wait, what about Baa-chan?

Jiraiya: *smirks* Oh, don't let her fool you. She's tried to be a fuddy duddy herself, but she eyes the male eye candy just as often as I do the female-And even other females.

Naruto: *blush* S-Seriously?

Jiraiya: Seriously! Why do you think she has Shizune go around without underwear?

Naruto: What?! Nee-chan doesn't wear underwear?!

Jiraiya: Not the slightest bit of cloth between her nethers and the air.

Naruto: Woah... So... Orochimaru?

Jiraiya: HA! He tried to be a dirty old man but he could never quite manage! Got too locked up in immortality and binding shadows in the dark. *sighs* It is the saddest thing in the world when a man becomes so obsessed with not dying, or some other goal that he can't take a moment to look around and appreciate the beauty in every day life. If you stop doing it, you just start turning more and more to bad things.

Naruto: Oh man...

Jiraiya: Trust me Naruto, it's far better to be a dirty old man or woman at heart! Far less stressful, and far more honest! And as ninjas, honesty is at a premium. And with all the benefits, like making a girl feel special, making the people around you feel at ease, and making yourself less stressed out, it's a shame those old fuddy duddies can't just let go! But you shouldn't let them spoil it for you!

Naruto: All right! Then I swear to become the great dirty old man in the world! Dattebayo!

Jiraiya: That's the spirit!

And thus, hilarity ensues. Discuss!

 

[DhampyrX2]

If you include the plethora of filler girls that all fell for Naruto hard in rapid succession, our favorite knucklehead is getting laid. Repeatedly.

Oh, and Tsunade is going to kill Jiraiya.

 

[Python453]

It saddens me to say that I am not at all familiar with the works of Isaac Asimov, so I must ask- how did he inspire this idea?

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

If you include the plethora of filler girls that all fell for Naruto hard in rapid succession, our favorite knucklehead is getting laid. Repeatedly.

Oh, and Tsunade is going to kill Jiraiya.

Ah, but imagine if it's early enough that Sasuke sees Naruto's success and Naruto lets Sasuke in on the secret of being a dirty old ninja?

Perverted!Sasuke and Perverted!Naruto as bros is always a great thing to see in a story.

As for Isaac Asimov's work, <a href='http://www.abebooks.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/04/the-sensuous-dirty-old-man-by-isaac-asimov/' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>check out this blog post. It will have everything you need to know.</a>

 

[wingthesword]

Famous Sci Fi writer 0th law, and the three laws that govern robots, all come from him.

If you read to Kamino aka The World God Only Knows then you might notice the similarity between a chapter name Do Androids dream of Chicken cutlets and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep a book by him.

 

[Deranjatu]

Actually, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep is written by Phillip K. Dick, and <a href='http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083658/' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Blade Runner</a> was based on it.

 

[Juopunumies]

Actually, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep is written by Phillip K. Dick, and <a href='http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083658/' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Blade Runner</a> was based on it.

I never realized how badly they drew Harrison Ford on the poster of that movie.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

How much this affects Sasuke is up to the writer, but it might even let you fix the time skip.

*As Naruto, Sasuke, Sai, and Sakura meet for the first time in three years...*

Naruto: So, did you notice Sasuke? Sakura got boobs.

Sakura: !!! NARUTO!

Sasuke: Yeah. I noticed.

Naruto: I mean, they're not as big compared to Hinata's but they're still pretty nice, right?

Sai: I think her face is the main problem.

Sakura: *VIOLENCE* SHUT THE FUCK UP SAI!

Sasuke and Naruto: *wince*

Naruto: Yeah, that's Sai.

Sasuke: We've met.

Naruto: Oh right! That whole spy thing... Does he creep you out too?

Sasuke: No more than any of the rest of Orochimaru's boy toys.

Naruto: Ugh. Dude. I guess that explains the tanktop.

Sasuke: He may have been wearing it before he began to spy.

Naruto: Wouldn't know.

*Sakura stalks over after beating Sai to a bloody pulp, panting for breath*

Sakura: Haa... Haa... Haa...!

Sasuke: ... So. How big?

Naruto: Hm? Oh! *Shows a picture of Hinata* I think the right word for that would be damn.

Sasuke: ... *nods* I have to agree.

Sakura: GIVE ME THAT! *Grabs it and stares* ... How the hell did you get her to pose in a bikini?!

Naruto: Oh, Ninja Fundraiser. Swimsuit Calendar. Come on, don't you remember? I invited you like ten times.

Sakura: And I refused each time!

Sasuke: Then how did I get that calendar picture of you?

Sakura: ... Wait, what?!

Naruto: Well I couldn't leave Sasuke in the lurch! Sound Village is like a total sausage fest! Except for that one crazy chick, what's her name?

Sasuke: Karin.

Naruto: Karin!

Sakura: Karin?! Who is Karin?!

Sasuke: Some creepy hot girl with glasses who keeps trying to rape me.

Naruto: *Holds out a picture* Very hot.

Sakura: Yeah... Well... Wait! Trying to rape you? Has she succeeded?!

Sasuke: Possibly... There are a few gaps in my memory. Hopefully it was just Orochimaru conducting experiments on me.

Naruto: Ugh. That sounds even worse.

Sasuke: Not really. Sure, he likes eye candy but he also takes me to strip clubs and whore houses. He's probably bi.

Naruto: Huh. The more you learn... Well! Wanna come back to Konoha with us?

Sasuke: Nah. Gotta kill Itachi and stuff.

Naruto: Want any help?

Sasuke: Hm... Nah.

Naruto: I did kind of promise to bring you back...

Sasuke: Well yeah. You told me about ten times last time we fought... And in every letter...

Sakura: WAIT! Wait wait wait. Back up. You two have been corresponding... WITHOUT TELLING ME?! *She grabs Naruto's collar and shakes him* DON'T YOU THINK THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN IMPORTANT?!

Naruto: GAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAH!

Sasuke: It was mostly guy stuff, Sakura.

Naruto: Y-Yeah! Don't think it would have interested you...

Sakura: I WAS WORRIED SICK!

Sasuke: Well, now you can stop. We can get caught up over lunch, there's this restaurant a few miles down the road.

Naruto: Sweet! Let's go! Come on Sakura-chan, I'm hungry!

Sakura: ...

Sasuke: Sakura?

Sakura: ... *facepalm, groans* ... Fucking men, no wonder Tsunade-sensei drinks so much. *She glared at them both* You had better not leave anything out, including guy stuff!

Naruto: Okay!

Sasuke: Fine... Do you want to get Sai?

Naruto: Nahhh, we'll leave him a note! He'll find us when he wakes up.

Sasuke: Sure he'll be okay?

Naruto: This isn't the first horrible beating he's gotten at Sakura-chan's hands.

Sasuke: Not like I care but you know, paperwork can be a bitch.

Naruto: Nah nah! It's actually gotten a lot better under Tsunade-sama!

Sasuke: Really?

Naruto: Yeah! It's all one form now, and... *They walk off together, talking cheerfully... Leaving a bewildered Orochimaru, Kabuto and Yamato behind*

Orochimaru: ... The fuck?

 

[Obfuscated]

Please tell you'll copy 'Naruto reads Naruto' one day for your own stories.

The snark will reach critical mass.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Please tell you'll copy 'Naruto reads Naruto' one day for your own stories.

The snark will reach critical mass.

Possibly.

Of course, it's how it reaches this point that is most interesting. What ideas do you have for that?

 

[DhampyrX2]

Orochimaru: You know, I never really saw it much with Minato, but Naruto-kun is definitely Jiraiya's apprentice.

 

[Yorae Rasante]

...Him copying "Naruto reads Naruto" wouldn't be just like his Mystery Naruto Theater 3000 but with all Konoha-12 before the Timeskip and without the guests?



Oh, and reading stupid fics from the "stories you wish you could destroy" thread seriously besides the actual Shippuden manga, which was what we were there to see them reading? <_<

 

[zeebee1]

Sarutobi did not live well into his eighties. He didn't even make it to seventy.

 

[Obfuscated]

Please tell you'll copy 'Naruto reads Naruto' one day for your own stories.

The snark will reach critical mass.

Possibly.

Of course, it's how it reaches this point that is most interesting. What ideas do you have for that?

Pain somehow gets high on LSD and goes "Woah that'd be cool.... ohh shiny" ?

It will probably take an OC or at least an seriously warped character - maybe a slightly mad future!immortal!Rinnegan!Naruto, Sasuke, post'The Moon'!Madara.

If Time Braid was your story I think you'd have a good starting point already. But it isn't.

Maybe further down the line for Crossover. You are already melding universes there - maybe the unversum police show up and do stuff ?

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

*After the fight on the rooftop... Before Sasuke runs off to Orochimaru... I would list the manga chapter or episode number but then I remembered I don't care...*

Sasuke: Deadlast...! How did you get so strong, so fast?!

Naruto: ... Well... *Looks at Kakashi*

Kakashi: *nods gravely*

Naruto: ... Okay then... Come on Sasuke! *He leaps off and jumps over rooftops. Sasuke follows*

Sakura: ... Ah, Kakashi-sensei?

Kakashi: Some things must be left between men, Sakura.

Sakura: Ohhh...

Kakashi: ... Stop drooling, it's not that sort of thing.

Sakura: I wasn't-I mean-You've got a smutty mind, Kakashi-sensei!

Kakashi: Heeheehee...

*On a rooftop overlooking the marketplace*

Sasuke: *Scowls* Well?

Naruto: Well... Look Sasuke. The thing is that gaining power can't be the end all of... Everything you do. You can't live life without living life-

Sasuke: That's a bunch of circular reasoning bullshit! What's the secret?

Naruto: *rolls his eyes* Okay, look... The Sharingan lets you see everything in slow motion before it happens, right?

Sasuke: Yeah? So?

Naruto: Sooo... *Looks down, grins* Aha... Okay. Focus your eyes on that girl.

*A very busty girl, jogging down the street*

Sasuke: So? What about her?

Naruto: Watch her through the Sharingan.

Sasuke: What for?

Naruto: Just do it!

Sasuke: *Sighs, does so* ...

*The girl becomes a veritable masterpiece of the feminine form as she bounces, sweats, pants, and glistens in glorious slow motion from her long, wavy hair to her muscled legs*

Sasuke: ... Haa...

Naruto: So... How is that?

Sasuke: ... *Shakes his head and closes his eyes* This is stupid! How is this supposed to help?!

Naruto: You know, I heard from the Ero-Sennin that Itachi never had a girlfriend and never took the time to appreciate girls.

Sasuke: ... Which means I shouldn't either!

Naruto: Yeah, but think about it: Itachi had Kisame and was unwilling to fight Jiraiya. With KISAME as backup.

Sasuke: ... Jiraiya's older-

Naruto: So is Orochimaru! But Orochimaru is scared of Itachi!

Sasuke: What?

Naruto: I totally heard it from Jiraiya's intelligence network!

Sasuke: Intelligence network...?

Naruto: Well that's what he called her. I think her name was Sakaki... Anyway! Orochimaru is scared of Itachi, but Jiraiya is not. And Jiraiya appreciates life and likes looking at hot girls and doing stuff with hot girls.

Sasuke: ...

Naruto: Therefore, being more like Jiraiya and doing stuff with hot girls, which I have done, has made me more powerful! *Proud*

Sasuke: ... That is without a doubt the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Naruto: YOU'RE STUPID!

Sasuke: But seeing how I don't have any other theories to work off of... I suppose I'll go with that one for now. All right idiot, teach me how to be dirty.

Naruto: ... Are you coming on to me?

Sasuke: WHAT?! NO!

Naruto: Sure? I mean, I can turn into a girl-

Sasuke: GOD NO! SHUT UP!

Naruto: *laughs* Ahahahahaha! See? That's lesson one. Loosen up! Maybe if you yanked the stick out of your ass you'd grow more powerful. Unless you like it.

Sasuke: Oh yeah, I'm the one with the dirty mind!

Naruto: You will be... You will be...

Sasuke: What, did you swallow a toad for that sentence?

Naruto: *cough* Ugh... No, just had some phlegm stuck in there. Anyway, shall we continue?

Sasuke: Yes.

Naruto: Good! First lesson: Use your eyes. Since that's the only notable thing about you aside from your duckbutt hair, this should be easy.

Sasuke: Fuck you Naruto.

Naruto: Good! We're making progress already!

 

[ankokudaishogun]

Itachi never had a girlfriend

Actually, Itachi had a girlfriend

but yeah, canon, fanfic, whatever

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Ino: So Naruto... I hear you've been peeking in on girls, making out with Hinata, teasing the living daylights out of Ayame and Sakura, and flirting with Anko.

Naruto: Yeah... But only with Sasuke as a decoy for the last one. What's your point?

Ino: *pouts* What about me? You haven't been perving on me at all!

Naruto: Huh?!

Ino: Well come on! Isn't it obvious? We are exactly the same~.

Naruto: Oh my God! You're a... Dirty Old Young Woman!

Ino: *beams* The same~!

Naruto: Impossible! Your mother's nowhere near perverted enough for that, I heard so from Jiraiya himself!

Ino: Who says my mother taught me in the ways of perversion? It was actually Sakura's mom!

Naruto: What?! But why would she teach you and not Sakura?

Ino: Pfft. Because Sakura's the biggest prude in the universe thanks to her father. I, on the other hand, was far more open. After all... SHE was Tsunade's own student!

Naruto: *GASP* No way!

Ino: YES way! In perversion, in peeking, in the forbidden arts of tantric love making and lewd photography posing and even YAOI, she was her student! But she was far too perverted even for Tsunade, so she was cast aside! And now she will HAVE HER REVENGE THROUGH ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Naruto: ... Wait, revenge? On who?

Ino: On Tsunade... Through you...

Naruto: ... Who was taught by Jiraiya...

Ino: ... Okay, so it's not so much revenge as... One upping.

Naruto: Ohhh.

Ino: SO! Tremble before my perverted might, Naruto! I shall make you drool, blush, lust and fall before you succeed!

Naruto: NEVER! My good perversion shall TRIUMPH over your EVIL perversion!

Ino: Will not!

Naruto: Will too!

Ino: Will not!

Naruto: Will too!

Ino: Will not!

Naruto: Will too!

Ino: Wanna make out?

Naruto: Sure!

Just a silly confrontation between the two apprentices of perversion. I find it an hysterical idea that Sakura is such a prude because her mother was an enormous pervert.

Not a ninja, mind you, just a student of perversion under Tsunade. Take that as you will.

 

[raedric]

Anything with ino is fine by me. Nice.

 

[DhampyrX2]

It would explain why Sakura has never introduced her team to her parents in canon. She was protecting her teammates from her excessively perverted mother.

 

[Juopunumies]

Itachi never had a girlfriend

Actually, Itachi had a girlfriend

but yeah, canon, fanfic, whatever

Was the gender of his lover ever mentioned?

 

[Shirotsume]

Itachi never had a girlfriend

Actually, Itachi had a girlfriend

but yeah, canon, fanfic, whatever

Was the gender of his lover ever mentioned?

Yes, she was female.

 

[Prince Charon]

It would explain why Sakura has never introduced her team to her parents in canon. She was protecting her teammates from her excessively perverted mother.

That fits. Reminds me of an idea that I should finish writing up, involving Sakura's mother hiring her team to do the chores Sakura has been using 'ninja business' as an excuse to avoid - well, that's what she hired the kids for. Kakashi, OTOH, gets to go upstairs with mama Haruno, and Sakura hopes he remembers to use a silencing jutsu.

 

[zeebee1]

Sakura is a prude due to her father, so I doubt he'd sit by and let his wife have sex with other men or women. If she wanted to switch up on sex partners she shouldn't have gotten married.

 

[DhampyrX2]

Maybe Sakura's nympho mom fucked her dad to death and now is free to look for other partners? Unfortunately her father, while not really a prude so much as just conservative, died in the act of kinky sex with his wife as his heart gave out. Now Sakura equates too much sex with death and has become a prude in her own right. She accepts the need for sex intellectually, but she doesn't want to become a man-killer with it the way her mother did.

 

[zeebee1]

Don't twist the author's words.