The Thread for Jokes and Funny Anecdotes

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#1
I've decided to open a thread for telling each other jokes, after a bit of search presented me with none with such a topic.

I'll go first, though my humor has often been called stupid, unfunny and other unflattering things.

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In a free-falling aeroplane, there weren't enough parachutes, so three men -a German one, an Englishman and a Greek one- were falling to their doom inside the plane. Suddenly, though, Death -the Grim Reaper himself- appeared, skeletal appearance, scythe and all. The plane immediately paused in midair.

Death made the three guys an offer, apparently feeling generous:
If they could hide an object of their choosing so well that he wouldn't be able to find it within an hour, he would spare their lives, though they had to try separately. Whoever failed, though, would be reaped immediately.

The German guy went first; he threw something into the sea. Five minutes later, the Reaper announced that he had found the mp3 player the man had thrown. Death swung his Scythe, and the German man died.

The Englishman made his attempt after that: while the Reaper blocked out its own senses, the Englishman hid his pocket watch under his seat. After ten minutes, the Reaper returned from his search at the sea and searched the guy's seat, commending him on a good attempt. Still, Death swung his Scythe, and the Englishman died.

The Greek guy knew that Death had supernatural intuition from the others' attempts, so he decided to also cheat. He threw something into the sea, then Death opened his senses and went down to the sea.

Two hours later, Death returned from his search and asked the Greek guy: 'you've already won, but tell me, just what was it that you threw?'

My headache medicine. It's an effervescent tablet.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#2
The best kind of joke is a communist joke.

After all, comrade, it's a joke that EVERYONE gets!
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#4
Why can't you tell a hummingbird a bgp joke over a phone connection?

It won't stop fucking flapping!
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#5
-Why are you studying in the attic?
-That's because it's upper-level education.

-----

How many drinking glasses do blonds put next to their bed?
Two, a full one because they might get thirsty and an empty one because they might not.

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The languages professor is lecturing. At one point, he says:
In some languages, two negatives constitute another negative. In others, they make an affirmative. In no language, though, do two affirmatives make a negative.

One of the students:
Yeah, right.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#6
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba-dum TSH!
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#7
A girl calls home to ask if her father was present, but her (blond) sister picks up the phone.

The dark-haired girl asks her sister if their dad was home.

The blonde replied with: "Uh, hello! Dad is not a home, he's a person!"

-----

Johnny, a grade school student who was a bit of a troublemaker, decided to prank his teacher.

So, he wrote the word 'PENIS' on the blackboard.

When the poor woman saw it, she erased it, but it didn't stop there.

The next time, it was written in a larger font. She erased it again. And again, she found it in larger letters the next day.

After a few days of this repeating, she found a message on the blackboard:

The more you rub it, the more it grows.

-----

A bit outdated, but here:

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After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV ' 0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it, so it went to the CIA, on then to the NASA, then to the Secret Service.

With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:

"Tell the President he is holding the letter upside down."
 

da_fox2279

California Crackpot
#8
"Do you know the difference between intelligence and wisdom? Intelligence can be learned out of a book, but wisdom can be learned only through experience, right? Two bulls are standing at the top of a hill, looking down at all the cows. The young bull says, 'Let's run down there and fuck the two best looking cows we can find.' The older bull says, 'Why can't we just walk down there and fuck them all?' That's wisdom."
 

Fellgrave

Well-Known Member
#9
Black humour is like food.
Not everyone gets it.
 

Schema

Well-Known Member
#11
Sure.
Whose there?
UDP Packet 2
UDP Packet 1
Knock-Knock
Want to here a joke?
UDP Packet 1 Who?
 

Lord Raa

Exporter of Juice Tins
#12
[font=Arial, sans-serif][joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out...

[pulls over & checks wikipedia][/font]


[font=Arial, sans-serif]Source.[/font]
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#16
How about lets not spam the topic with sad cries for attention and you just tell the damn joke?
 

sith2886

Well-Known Member
#17
Fine
Knock knock
Whose there
Door mom
Door mom who
I've come to bargin
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
#21
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You know.
You know who?
Precisely, James.
 

AoMythology

Apparently a report-er
#24
A German man was in England, and went to take the train. So, he said:

"To... London... tickets," enunciating very slowly.

So, the person behind the counter pressed a few buttons, and two tickets were issued.

"No," the German man said, "FOR... London... tickets."

The other guy pressed the same buttons, and two more tickets came out.

"NEIN, NEIN!" The German man shouted.

The Englishman issued five more, unaffected.
 

da_fox2279

California Crackpot
#25
 
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