Akamatsuverse Untitled
- Thread starter SMWhat
- Start date
The reason it seems sort of meandering in that last chapter is because Keitaro is meandering. He bored, he's hungry. He's simply trying to put off going back to the inn, so he's literally walking in circles around the same area.
Those keeping up with the manga might notice that Keitaro takes his picture in a photo booth a full day because the "normal" Keitaro does. Why did I do this?
...No reason, actually, but if anyone asks, it was to create confusion.
Oh, I'm also trying to imagine a Keitaro here who holds grudges. Of course, he can't actually DO anything, but he'll hold grudges, and hold them...and that's about it, I suppose. My point is, I'm trying to make him take faster to anger than fear.
What I will NOT do:
- Give Keitaro awesome martial arts skills
- Give Keitaro a gun/awesome gun skills
- Give Keitaro a drug addiction
- Give Keitaro a guitar
- Give Keitaro any kind of mutant powers or anything similar to mutant powers, other than his "invincibility". I'm actually trying to get him to engage someone in a nice "WHY OH WHY THE F**K WON'T I DIE" conversation.
- Give Keitaro a terrible gunshot/knife wound defending one of the girls in an alley
- Give Keitaro a chance to catch one of the girls after she trips over something, leading to the two of them staring into each other's eyes while the anime bubbles sparkle in the background. Can anyone say cliche? I mean, when you see this sort of stuff happening in manga and anime, it's pushing it, but just last month I saw it in a live action TV show. Jeez.
- Give Keitaro the sudden urge to commit suicide.
Pills, where are my pills? here's the white one, and the grey one, and the big blue and yellow one...anyway:
Stuff I AM considering (feedback plz?)
- Having Keitaro give up after his next entrance exam failing (in the manga, he fails with Naru, tries again, passes, and then the whole desert thing happens)
- Having Keitaro NOT meet Mutsumi, or at least having him meet her later than in the manga (perhaps he decided to do something else after failing the entrance exam? Like chug down a couple of bottles of sake? Speaking of which
- Having Keitaro chug down a couple of bottles of sake every once in a while.
- Having Keitaro have a certain dislike of Seta (and perhaps Mutsumi). (He exhaled sharply through nearly closed lips and rolled his eyes. "I can't stand people who just sort of bumble through life and act like idiots, okay? And the thing is," He paused, tilting his head back and taking another mouthful of the liquid, then swallowing, "I'm pretty sure he notices everything happening around him, right? But he doesn't bat an eye when he crashes his car into the ground or his kid tries to kick me in the face.")
Any further ideas/suggestions/responses would be appriciated.
Those keeping up with the manga might notice that Keitaro takes his picture in a photo booth a full day because the "normal" Keitaro does. Why did I do this?
...No reason, actually, but if anyone asks, it was to create confusion.
Oh, I'm also trying to imagine a Keitaro here who holds grudges. Of course, he can't actually DO anything, but he'll hold grudges, and hold them...and that's about it, I suppose. My point is, I'm trying to make him take faster to anger than fear.
What I will NOT do:
- Give Keitaro awesome martial arts skills
- Give Keitaro a gun/awesome gun skills
- Give Keitaro a drug addiction
- Give Keitaro a guitar
- Give Keitaro any kind of mutant powers or anything similar to mutant powers, other than his "invincibility". I'm actually trying to get him to engage someone in a nice "WHY OH WHY THE F**K WON'T I DIE" conversation.
- Give Keitaro a terrible gunshot/knife wound defending one of the girls in an alley
- Give Keitaro a chance to catch one of the girls after she trips over something, leading to the two of them staring into each other's eyes while the anime bubbles sparkle in the background. Can anyone say cliche? I mean, when you see this sort of stuff happening in manga and anime, it's pushing it, but just last month I saw it in a live action TV show. Jeez.
- Give Keitaro the sudden urge to commit suicide.
Pills, where are my pills? here's the white one, and the grey one, and the big blue and yellow one...anyway:
Stuff I AM considering (feedback plz?)
- Having Keitaro give up after his next entrance exam failing (in the manga, he fails with Naru, tries again, passes, and then the whole desert thing happens)
- Having Keitaro NOT meet Mutsumi, or at least having him meet her later than in the manga (perhaps he decided to do something else after failing the entrance exam? Like chug down a couple of bottles of sake? Speaking of which
- Having Keitaro chug down a couple of bottles of sake every once in a while.
- Having Keitaro have a certain dislike of Seta (and perhaps Mutsumi). (He exhaled sharply through nearly closed lips and rolled his eyes. "I can't stand people who just sort of bumble through life and act like idiots, okay? And the thing is," He paused, tilting his head back and taking another mouthful of the liquid, then swallowing, "I'm pretty sure he notices everything happening around him, right? But he doesn't bat an eye when he crashes his car into the ground or his kid tries to kick me in the face.")
Any further ideas/suggestions/responses would be appriciated.
- Having Keitaro NOT meet Mutsumi, or at least having him meet her later than in the manga (perhaps he decided to do something else after failing the entrance exam? Like chug down a couple of bottles of sake? Speaking of which
A Keitaro that holds grudges...I might be wrong, but that sounds like a refreshingly novel idea. And the list of things you won't include is good. Not that any of those ideas can't be used in interesting ways, but they are WAY overdone (though I admit to being a fan of martial arts Keitaro.)
The list of things you might do is also satisfying. Though I agree that cutting Mutsumi would be a shame. I like her character, as well as Setas, so even if Keitaro would resent her somewhat she should stay. Does he realize it's kinda hypocrytical to resent the way they meander through life, when he pretty much does the same?
I find the idea of Keitaro at some point just reaching his limit and cowing them all with a calmly spoken, straight to the face, eye-to- eye rant about their shortcomings and what he can't stand about them. Kinda a wake up call as it were. Not sure how it would fit into your plot plans or where this would come along. It's just, the thought of him calmly and cooly tossing out the Truth to their faces then walking away as they stand there stunned...Yeah. That gives me the warm fuzzies as it were (With the possible exceptions of Shinobu and Mutsumi they all have it coming IMO)
The list of things you might do is also satisfying. Though I agree that cutting Mutsumi would be a shame. I like her character, as well as Setas, so even if Keitaro would resent her somewhat she should stay. Does he realize it's kinda hypocrytical to resent the way they meander through life, when he pretty much does the same?
I find the idea of Keitaro at some point just reaching his limit and cowing them all with a calmly spoken, straight to the face, eye-to- eye rant about their shortcomings and what he can't stand about them. Kinda a wake up call as it were. Not sure how it would fit into your plot plans or where this would come along. It's just, the thought of him calmly and cooly tossing out the Truth to their faces then walking away as they stand there stunned...Yeah. That gives me the warm fuzzies as it were (With the possible exceptions of Shinobu and Mutsumi they all have it coming IMO)
Chapter Four
"A guy taking photo booth pictures by himself? That's depressing."
Mitsune Konno looked down at the crumpled heap of a man on the ground to the side of the booth. This guy was uptight, apparently. Really uptight. Really, she hadn't meant to startle him that much. Maybe only a little, as a form of revenge for being such a pervert. But she hadn't expected her presence in the photo booth to send him flying out of it. He must have been really nervous, or really scared, or mayber a little of both.
Keitaro Urashima, meanwhile, was using his time on the ground to think out how to escape. Alright, recap, he thought to himself. I'm sprawled out on the sidewalk, and this girl
(unspeakable pain)
is standing over me...which means I'm totally at her mercy.
Keitaro's mind cycled at a million thoughts per minute, predicting possibilities based on what he knew of this girl so far and determining what actions to take. Perhaps he could fight back--no, one punch from her and he'd be down for the count...or was it the other girl who had punched him? The brief time he had spent in the girls' company was not enough that he was yet able to identify them, but if three of them were violent, it was probable that the other two were as well. Maybe if he got up quickly, he'd escape? No, that wouldn't work, either. From the chase in the inn, he'd remembered that he'd begun to get short-winded pretty quickly, while the girl had a few minutes later seemed scarcely out of breath.
(but maybe if she kills me I won't have to see)
Now, even blind with his face to the ground, Keitaro could sense the girl moving around, moving until she was standing right in front of him. Why wasn't she attacking him? Did she want him to lift his head and look at her before she sent her fist flying in his direction? Was that her idea of a joke?
Well, he'd show her! He wouldn't lift his head at all! If she was going to end up punching him, she'd have to sucker-punch him! Ha! That'd show her, forcing her to make so dishonorable an action!
Keitaro spent a moment elated and pround of himself before noting there was something severely wrong with this logic: namely, that he was going to end up getting punched.
Damn.
"Well?"
Hearing the girl's voice so suddenly pierce the quiet surrounding them, Keitaro flinched, lifted his head reflexively, then, realizing what he'd just done, flinched again, bracing himself against the attack he expected to come.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
I wonder what it'll feel like? Keitaro wondered wildly. Will I feel it at all? Or will it be so painful my brain will refuse to process it?
And if that happens, will death feel like simply fading away, my brain slowly shutting down as I lose first my least important senses such as smell, touch, and taste followed by hearing sight thought
"Hey..."
If...if that is how it'll be...
"Hey."
...I might not mind so much when...
"Hey!"
Something nudged against his chin.
Keitaro opened his eyes, then blinked, certainly not expecting to see what he saw: the girl, bent over with her hand reached out to help him up. How embarrassing, he thought. He focused his eyes downward seeing the girl's shoe; she had apparently kick him lightly when he'd failed to respond. Oh, I guess that explains that... He took the hand warily, and climbed to his feet.
"Your aunt got worried when you didn't come back." the girl offered by way of explanation. "She was a bit worried. I guess she wasn't expecting the whole screaming-in-fear-and-running-out-the-building bit with you."
Keitaro looked down at the ground, feeling a bit ashamed.
The girl looked at him, studying him. "So, you've got troubles, huh." she said quietly. It was a statement, not a question, and Keitaro's reddening face confirmed it. She sighed, and took him by the hand,
(leave now or you'll be doomed too)
leading him to a nearby bench. "Let's talk." she said, sitting.
Keitaro sat beside her, fighting the urge to suddenly break into a sprint and escape. The street was utterly devoid of sound, and he realized that this was what people meant when they said the whole world seemed to be holding its breath.
(say it you have to say it will have to say it sooner or later say it)
"I'm not in Tokyo U."
There.
It was out of the way. It was finally out of the way.
He...felt better, actually. Like some great weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and now, he was as free as a bird...
The girl chuckled. "Well, trying to string us along, hoping we'd go for having a boyfriend if he were a university student?" she grinned, looking at his face to catch his face turning redder and sputtering, half indignant, half embarrassed, denying the accusation
But he hadn't--well, he'd looked embarrassed for a moment, but only for a moment, but then his eyelids had closed halfway and the girl was suddenly sure that Keitaro wasn't looking at his feet anymore, but at the image of some half-eaten memory pulled from his past
And he didn't look indignant or embarrassed anymore, just...sad.
"Is...that what you think?" Keitaro said, quietly. He stood. "I think...I think that I'll go back to the inn, now." He took a step in a random direction (it didn't matter which; away from that bench was good enough for him), but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
Except the five fingers on the hand weren't fingers at all, but wiggling tentacles attached around the gaping mouth of the monster ready to consume
(gaping maw DEATH)
"Hey, it was just a jo--"
His breath caught in his throat, and the ground rushed up to meet him. He fell bounced off the palms of his hands his elbow slid against the rough street his knees scraped scrambling away as he righted himself and ran.
Mitsune Konno peered at the hurriedly shrinking figure, one hand still raised to rest on the body that wasn't there anymore.
His eyes, she thought as she made a sudden decision, gathering the dropped bookbag and sticker album in her arms and looking around at the street that was so utterly devoid of life. He looked at me, he looked at me and suddenly there was so much fear
like the faces of men who know they're about to die
Slinging the bag around her arm and grasping the book in her hand, she gave chase.
---
Chapter four didn't give me as much trouble as the last chapter, but it took longer for...some reason. If you're reading this about thirty minutes or more after I've posted this, I've probably changed some things (slight things) in the previous chapters. Nothing important, though.
That's a lie. Read chapter one again.
"A guy taking photo booth pictures by himself? That's depressing."
Mitsune Konno looked down at the crumpled heap of a man on the ground to the side of the booth. This guy was uptight, apparently. Really uptight. Really, she hadn't meant to startle him that much. Maybe only a little, as a form of revenge for being such a pervert. But she hadn't expected her presence in the photo booth to send him flying out of it. He must have been really nervous, or really scared, or mayber a little of both.
Keitaro Urashima, meanwhile, was using his time on the ground to think out how to escape. Alright, recap, he thought to himself. I'm sprawled out on the sidewalk, and this girl
(unspeakable pain)
is standing over me...which means I'm totally at her mercy.
Keitaro's mind cycled at a million thoughts per minute, predicting possibilities based on what he knew of this girl so far and determining what actions to take. Perhaps he could fight back--no, one punch from her and he'd be down for the count...or was it the other girl who had punched him? The brief time he had spent in the girls' company was not enough that he was yet able to identify them, but if three of them were violent, it was probable that the other two were as well. Maybe if he got up quickly, he'd escape? No, that wouldn't work, either. From the chase in the inn, he'd remembered that he'd begun to get short-winded pretty quickly, while the girl had a few minutes later seemed scarcely out of breath.
(but maybe if she kills me I won't have to see)
Now, even blind with his face to the ground, Keitaro could sense the girl moving around, moving until she was standing right in front of him. Why wasn't she attacking him? Did she want him to lift his head and look at her before she sent her fist flying in his direction? Was that her idea of a joke?
Well, he'd show her! He wouldn't lift his head at all! If she was going to end up punching him, she'd have to sucker-punch him! Ha! That'd show her, forcing her to make so dishonorable an action!
Keitaro spent a moment elated and pround of himself before noting there was something severely wrong with this logic: namely, that he was going to end up getting punched.
Damn.
"Well?"
Hearing the girl's voice so suddenly pierce the quiet surrounding them, Keitaro flinched, lifted his head reflexively, then, realizing what he'd just done, flinched again, bracing himself against the attack he expected to come.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
I wonder what it'll feel like? Keitaro wondered wildly. Will I feel it at all? Or will it be so painful my brain will refuse to process it?
And if that happens, will death feel like simply fading away, my brain slowly shutting down as I lose first my least important senses such as smell, touch, and taste followed by hearing sight thought
"Hey..."
If...if that is how it'll be...
"Hey."
...I might not mind so much when...
"Hey!"
Something nudged against his chin.
Keitaro opened his eyes, then blinked, certainly not expecting to see what he saw: the girl, bent over with her hand reached out to help him up. How embarrassing, he thought. He focused his eyes downward seeing the girl's shoe; she had apparently kick him lightly when he'd failed to respond. Oh, I guess that explains that... He took the hand warily, and climbed to his feet.
"Your aunt got worried when you didn't come back." the girl offered by way of explanation. "She was a bit worried. I guess she wasn't expecting the whole screaming-in-fear-and-running-out-the-building bit with you."
Keitaro looked down at the ground, feeling a bit ashamed.
The girl looked at him, studying him. "So, you've got troubles, huh." she said quietly. It was a statement, not a question, and Keitaro's reddening face confirmed it. She sighed, and took him by the hand,
(leave now or you'll be doomed too)
leading him to a nearby bench. "Let's talk." she said, sitting.
Keitaro sat beside her, fighting the urge to suddenly break into a sprint and escape. The street was utterly devoid of sound, and he realized that this was what people meant when they said the whole world seemed to be holding its breath.
(say it you have to say it will have to say it sooner or later say it)
"I'm not in Tokyo U."
There.
It was out of the way. It was finally out of the way.
He...felt better, actually. Like some great weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and now, he was as free as a bird...
The girl chuckled. "Well, trying to string us along, hoping we'd go for having a boyfriend if he were a university student?" she grinned, looking at his face to catch his face turning redder and sputtering, half indignant, half embarrassed, denying the accusation
But he hadn't--well, he'd looked embarrassed for a moment, but only for a moment, but then his eyelids had closed halfway and the girl was suddenly sure that Keitaro wasn't looking at his feet anymore, but at the image of some half-eaten memory pulled from his past
And he didn't look indignant or embarrassed anymore, just...sad.
"Is...that what you think?" Keitaro said, quietly. He stood. "I think...I think that I'll go back to the inn, now." He took a step in a random direction (it didn't matter which; away from that bench was good enough for him), but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
Except the five fingers on the hand weren't fingers at all, but wiggling tentacles attached around the gaping mouth of the monster ready to consume
(gaping maw DEATH)
"Hey, it was just a jo--"
His breath caught in his throat, and the ground rushed up to meet him. He fell bounced off the palms of his hands his elbow slid against the rough street his knees scraped scrambling away as he righted himself and ran.
Mitsune Konno peered at the hurriedly shrinking figure, one hand still raised to rest on the body that wasn't there anymore.
His eyes, she thought as she made a sudden decision, gathering the dropped bookbag and sticker album in her arms and looking around at the street that was so utterly devoid of life. He looked at me, he looked at me and suddenly there was so much fear
like the faces of men who know they're about to die
Slinging the bag around her arm and grasping the book in her hand, she gave chase.
---
Chapter four didn't give me as much trouble as the last chapter, but it took longer for...some reason. If you're reading this about thirty minutes or more after I've posted this, I've probably changed some things (slight things) in the previous chapters. Nothing important, though.
That's a lie. Read chapter one again.
Moshulel said:
Is it just me or this is a perfect description of a woman phobia?á :rofl:
Anyway interesting addition.
Anyway interesting addition.
It's like Kei's staring at the abyss in his mind and heart, and it's staring back at him and it's making him afraid... of failing, of succeeding, of dreaming, of living... and now that he's been put in Hinata Sou, with the current residents, it's like his dreams and nightmares are comming to life, and he can barely cope/deal with it.
Good job on the update.
Hope to read more soon
You know, these aren't really chapters. They're too short to be chapters, see. I suppose the word I should really be using is "installments". They're chapters like Dickens had chapters. Well, his were longer than mine, too, but my point was that...
...I think I lost my point about five minutes ago. Damn it, I can't even remember what I was talking about.
But anyway, here's where we get to the main bit of the bit that makes this whole thing really AU.
Enjoy my idiotic drawlings. Is that a really word?
---
5
She ran.
She ran, with the bookbag looped over her shoulder and the fingers of her right hand grasping the sticker album with its shining plastic cover that threatened to slip from hold, slickened by the perspiration from her palm.
She navigated the twists and turns of the town, darting into alleyways and around corners, sprinting across side streets and through yards. Mitsune had to admit: despite Keitaro's inexperience with his surroundings, he was doing a pretty good job of keeping ahead of her, though there were a few times he missed running down pathways that would have allowed him to lose his pursuer almost instantly.
And even though Mitsune could still see Keitaro in front of her, the guy was showing no signs of stopping, no occasional bending over and gasping for breath. Mitsune, on the other hand, was quickly tiring. Even with the late fall chill, she was working up quite a sweat, and her throat and ears stung, buffeted by the wind.
And it didn't help that that stupid bag kept hitting the back of her rib cage.
Seriously, what does this kid keep in here? she thought, nearly tripping over and scraping her shin on the wooden edge of a bench. Gold bricks?
The kid was pretty darn good at running, yeah. But she would catch up soon enough, just as long as Keitaro didn't try sprinting down one of the alleys that led to the more crowded part of town. That place was a maze of intersections and sharp turns, and he'd be able to shake her off easily even only moving at a brisk walk instead of doing what he was now. But as long as he didn't do that, as long as he kept running in a straight direction for now, Mitsune would be able to corner him behind one of the old noodle shops she visited every now and then, and she'd find out
Her thought process came to a screeching halt as the kid picked that moment to halt his running, sliding a bit on the cheap penny loafers he wore, and duck down the exact alleyway she'd hoped he wouldn't.
Shit.
Forcing burning muscles to move, move, move, she raced into the thoroughfare, seeing what she absolutely expected to see: nothing. No Keitaro, no telltale brown shoes disappearing around the intersection. Nothing. The only sign the kid still existed was the echoing (and rapidly fading) sound of treads slapping against concrete.
She slowed, and came to a stop, the bookbag making a final clink-thump against her back.
Her face red with exertion, she leaned backwards against the nearer alley wall, then slid down against it, the sticker album dropping from her hands, spinning through the air before it hit the ground, and the canvas bookbag's weight tugging at her skin. She let the bag fall off her arm and land heavily on the ground.
---
He'd stopped running when he couldn't hear her feet.
Inside, he was yelling at himself again. Well, he'd certainly done it now. It's not enough that you have to run away and stay away, but when one of them comes straight to you, do you smile and say sorry? No, you take off like you've got the forces of HELL behind y
(don't even joke about)
His stomach growled loudly.
I've been acting all emotional for long enough, anyway. I guess...no, I will head back now.
He looked up, across the rooftops, at the sunlight-bathed Hinata House standing against the darkening sky.
Humming a familiar tune to himself, he stepped over a puddle that had collected itself against the inch-high sidewalks, taking himself to the tiled pathway littered with leaves that lay below the stairway to
Keitaro suddenly looked up at what wasn't a stairway up at all, but a large gravel road of some sort.
Wait, that was the street, wasn't it? He looked up at the windows of the girls dorm, high above the surrounding buildings, and mentally readjusted his path. I could have sworn I'd be there by now.
Taking in his surroundings, he realized where he actually was: I guess I was one street away from the old inn than I thought I was, he thought, resuming his humming and stepping over a dark puddle that had collected itself against the inch-high sidewa
And twisted his neck wildly, almost comically, on the sidewalk across the street from the stairs to the Hinata House.
A silver shock shot through his body.
No. No!
He looked across the gravel at the dark, murky puddle that had deliberately collected against the inch-high sidewalk.
I...I knocked, I KNOCKED, goddamn it! Don't say I didn't!
A ripple, a single ring appeared in the puddle, faint and hardly detectable.
Don't say I didn't because I knocked I KNOCKED I KNOCKED DAMN YOU I
And suddenly it splashed like some invisible man had taken a flying leap into it, but instead of falling the droplets tha were tossed into the air grew impossibly larger, looking like dark bubbles of oil with rainbow-colored reflections that suddenly ballooned and suddenly grew twin appendages that were impossibly long, covered in weaving threads of darkness like the pant legs of the hero from an old detective comic hidden by a trenchcoat which flowed into a torso and arms and a neck and
And the arms, the arms were terrible things that reached down to its knees even when it stood upright, long sinewy arms like the arms of some gorilla, and it looked alright comical those arms that narrowed to wrists and sharp claws that were entirely too big for the body they were on
And the head
It had no face, but there was a mouth, a wide gaping mouth with wriggling tentacles dropping from either side of it
And it lifted its head to look at Keitaro and its indescribable voice hit his mind like a brick to a windowpane:
greetings meat tasty tender i ask you implore you giving up your rip out your spine surrendering so i may consume your flesh you alone not you alone not surrounding those bystanders names unknown yield yield i only ask you to kneel
"Fuck you." he whispered back, wanting to believe his voice was choked by cold fury instead of ffear. "You aren't supposed to be here."
The thing stood there across the street from him, its featureless skin bubbling and popping like air in cooked dough, shifting its weight from crude imitation of a leg to crude imitation of a leg, mocking him.
"I knocked." Keitaro whispered, and suddenly it grew to a roar. "I knocked, I knocked! I fucking KNOCKED--"
stepping out for a night for rest to rest down submerged you tender gave yourself to me when you began running chased into your shelter inside outside whence you stepped quickly a foot inside and neglected to knock neglected to keep away from you worm meat
Keitaro gave a primal scream of rage and reached under his armpit for the zipper to his bookbag which wasn't there, because he had dropped it outside the photobooth, and he screamed again, running towards the black thing with speed and ferocity that would make even the hardened football player hesitate and
...I think I lost my point about five minutes ago. Damn it, I can't even remember what I was talking about.
But anyway, here's where we get to the main bit of the bit that makes this whole thing really AU.
Enjoy my idiotic drawlings. Is that a really word?
---
5
She ran.
She ran, with the bookbag looped over her shoulder and the fingers of her right hand grasping the sticker album with its shining plastic cover that threatened to slip from hold, slickened by the perspiration from her palm.
She navigated the twists and turns of the town, darting into alleyways and around corners, sprinting across side streets and through yards. Mitsune had to admit: despite Keitaro's inexperience with his surroundings, he was doing a pretty good job of keeping ahead of her, though there were a few times he missed running down pathways that would have allowed him to lose his pursuer almost instantly.
And even though Mitsune could still see Keitaro in front of her, the guy was showing no signs of stopping, no occasional bending over and gasping for breath. Mitsune, on the other hand, was quickly tiring. Even with the late fall chill, she was working up quite a sweat, and her throat and ears stung, buffeted by the wind.
And it didn't help that that stupid bag kept hitting the back of her rib cage.
Seriously, what does this kid keep in here? she thought, nearly tripping over and scraping her shin on the wooden edge of a bench. Gold bricks?
The kid was pretty darn good at running, yeah. But she would catch up soon enough, just as long as Keitaro didn't try sprinting down one of the alleys that led to the more crowded part of town. That place was a maze of intersections and sharp turns, and he'd be able to shake her off easily even only moving at a brisk walk instead of doing what he was now. But as long as he didn't do that, as long as he kept running in a straight direction for now, Mitsune would be able to corner him behind one of the old noodle shops she visited every now and then, and she'd find out
Her thought process came to a screeching halt as the kid picked that moment to halt his running, sliding a bit on the cheap penny loafers he wore, and duck down the exact alleyway she'd hoped he wouldn't.
Shit.
Forcing burning muscles to move, move, move, she raced into the thoroughfare, seeing what she absolutely expected to see: nothing. No Keitaro, no telltale brown shoes disappearing around the intersection. Nothing. The only sign the kid still existed was the echoing (and rapidly fading) sound of treads slapping against concrete.
She slowed, and came to a stop, the bookbag making a final clink-thump against her back.
Her face red with exertion, she leaned backwards against the nearer alley wall, then slid down against it, the sticker album dropping from her hands, spinning through the air before it hit the ground, and the canvas bookbag's weight tugging at her skin. She let the bag fall off her arm and land heavily on the ground.
---
He'd stopped running when he couldn't hear her feet.
Inside, he was yelling at himself again. Well, he'd certainly done it now. It's not enough that you have to run away and stay away, but when one of them comes straight to you, do you smile and say sorry? No, you take off like you've got the forces of HELL behind y
(don't even joke about)
His stomach growled loudly.
I've been acting all emotional for long enough, anyway. I guess...no, I will head back now.
He looked up, across the rooftops, at the sunlight-bathed Hinata House standing against the darkening sky.
Humming a familiar tune to himself, he stepped over a puddle that had collected itself against the inch-high sidewalks, taking himself to the tiled pathway littered with leaves that lay below the stairway to
Keitaro suddenly looked up at what wasn't a stairway up at all, but a large gravel road of some sort.
Wait, that was the street, wasn't it? He looked up at the windows of the girls dorm, high above the surrounding buildings, and mentally readjusted his path. I could have sworn I'd be there by now.
Taking in his surroundings, he realized where he actually was: I guess I was one street away from the old inn than I thought I was, he thought, resuming his humming and stepping over a dark puddle that had collected itself against the inch-high sidewa
And twisted his neck wildly, almost comically, on the sidewalk across the street from the stairs to the Hinata House.
A silver shock shot through his body.
No. No!
He looked across the gravel at the dark, murky puddle that had deliberately collected against the inch-high sidewalk.
I...I knocked, I KNOCKED, goddamn it! Don't say I didn't!
A ripple, a single ring appeared in the puddle, faint and hardly detectable.
Don't say I didn't because I knocked I KNOCKED I KNOCKED DAMN YOU I
And suddenly it splashed like some invisible man had taken a flying leap into it, but instead of falling the droplets tha were tossed into the air grew impossibly larger, looking like dark bubbles of oil with rainbow-colored reflections that suddenly ballooned and suddenly grew twin appendages that were impossibly long, covered in weaving threads of darkness like the pant legs of the hero from an old detective comic hidden by a trenchcoat which flowed into a torso and arms and a neck and
And the arms, the arms were terrible things that reached down to its knees even when it stood upright, long sinewy arms like the arms of some gorilla, and it looked alright comical those arms that narrowed to wrists and sharp claws that were entirely too big for the body they were on
And the head
It had no face, but there was a mouth, a wide gaping mouth with wriggling tentacles dropping from either side of it
And it lifted its head to look at Keitaro and its indescribable voice hit his mind like a brick to a windowpane:
greetings meat tasty tender i ask you implore you giving up your rip out your spine surrendering so i may consume your flesh you alone not you alone not surrounding those bystanders names unknown yield yield i only ask you to kneel
"Fuck you." he whispered back, wanting to believe his voice was choked by cold fury instead of ffear. "You aren't supposed to be here."
The thing stood there across the street from him, its featureless skin bubbling and popping like air in cooked dough, shifting its weight from crude imitation of a leg to crude imitation of a leg, mocking him.
"I knocked." Keitaro whispered, and suddenly it grew to a roar. "I knocked, I knocked! I fucking KNOCKED--"
stepping out for a night for rest to rest down submerged you tender gave yourself to me when you began running chased into your shelter inside outside whence you stepped quickly a foot inside and neglected to knock neglected to keep away from you worm meat
Keitaro gave a primal scream of rage and reached under his armpit for the zipper to his bookbag which wasn't there, because he had dropped it outside the photobooth, and he screamed again, running towards the black thing with speed and ferocity that would make even the hardened football player hesitate and
Stuff I AM considering (feedback plz?)
- Having Keitaro give up after his next entrance exam failing (in the manga, he fails with Naru, tries again, passes, and then the whole desert thing happens)
- Having Keitaro NOT meet Mutsumi, or at least having him meet her later than in the manga (perhaps he decided to do something else after failing the entrance exam? Like chug down a couple of bottles of sake? Speaking of which
- Having Keitaro chug down a couple of bottles of sake every once in a while.
- Having Keitaro have a certain dislike of Seta (and perhaps Mutsumi). (He exhaled sharply through nearly closed lips and rolled his eyes. "I can't stand people who just sort of bumble through life and act like idiots, okay? And the thing is," He paused, tilting his head back and taking another mouthful of the liquid, then swallowing, "I'm pretty sure he notices everything happening around him, right? But he doesn't bat an eye when he crashes his car into the ground or his kid tries to kick me in the face.")
- Having Keitaro give up after his next entrance exam failing (in the manga, he fails with Naru, tries again, passes, and then the whole desert thing happens)
- Having Keitaro NOT meet Mutsumi, or at least having him meet her later than in the manga (perhaps he decided to do something else after failing the entrance exam? Like chug down a couple of bottles of sake? Speaking of which
- Having Keitaro chug down a couple of bottles of sake every once in a while.
- Having Keitaro have a certain dislike of Seta (and perhaps Mutsumi). (He exhaled sharply through nearly closed lips and rolled his eyes. "I can't stand people who just sort of bumble through life and act like idiots, okay? And the thing is," He paused, tilting his head back and taking another mouthful of the liquid, then swallowing, "I'm pretty sure he notices everything happening around him, right? But he doesn't bat an eye when he crashes his car into the ground or his kid tries to kick me in the face.")
(Bit late with this one, haven't checked the forums in a while, however if it is of benefit to you, you're welcome.)
Hrm. So far you seem to be bulding a very interesting story here, SMWhat. It seems you've made this Keitaro suffer from extreme Anxiety, possibly caused by the creature?. I think the 'Keitaro gives up one is possible' considering this story, but also think it more unlikely, because he according to the first chapter I think you were trying to hint that the promised girl was killed by that creature, perhaps he become some how obsessed with Tokyo U because that was the last thing they talked about?
I think that if you do make Keitaro meet Mutsumi, make it so that she too is crazy. Like her aloofness is all an escape from the problems of reality, making her some how similar to Keitaro in the respect that, well, she's got psychological issues. But if you don't give it to her.......I say screw her. Fluff characters are useless, unless you want someone to die.
I've got nothing wrong with the saka idea, since personally I think everyone has their own little escape system from the rigors of daily life.
I don't know about the 'Not liking Mutsumi and Seta idea' While I could definitely see it as a possiblity, I just can't imagine it ya know? I mean come on man. Mutsumi and Seta, how can you hate them?
No. My story will never explain anything. My story will stay simple. For example, I will tell you now that in this story, Keitaro will be regularly killed by falling pastries. Also, Su's a bigot, Shinobu's a raver who deals drugs, Motoko regularly wails on an electric guitar and detests her older sister for stealing her family's hair many years ago, Kitsune's a mysterious ninja babysitter, and Naru is constantly plotting the death of the rest of the cast. Irregular cast members will include the ruthless space pirate Seta and his daughter, Sara, who has the power to turn into an assortment of vehicles, rodeo clown Haruka, magical catgirl Kanako, gelatinous blob and presidential candidate Mutsumi, Prof. Tama-chan, who teaches microbiology at Tokyo U, and Shirai and Haitani, two retired zombies on a mystical quest to save the world by collecting the shards of a magical key.