Naruto Burnout

Da-Guru

Well-Known Member
Always embellish, never tell the whole truth.

Never tell the reader what you are thinking. They'll usually object to you telling them how to think. It's best to hide your thoughts behind some fancy turn of phrase. For instance, instead of describing a look as "regal," you could say that it's "haughty" or "superior." Moving from haughty to truly regal requires character building, which is a delicate process. As my writing teachers have said, "Show, don't tell." It's a more difficult process than you might think. I don't have it completely down, myself...not even close.

For instance, instead of outright saying that a character is like a stoner, I've had him constantly use "Dude" at the start of most of his sentences, described his eyes as "unfocused" and "drifty," and mentioned his "munchies" repeatedly.
 

Unicornzvi

Well-Known Member
Not enough of the characters to say anything yet, but you seem to imply there hasn't been a team 7 in the10+ years since naruto's team ceased to exist. That seems extremely unlikely.
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
Yes, most of their personalities and interactions are going to come out during the introduction and test with Naruto. :)

Also, zeebee1, da-guru, maybe this wasn't clear, but Uzume was supposed to be the one making said observations, not me.

You HAVE met her sister. :) Someone wasn't paying attention! I'll give you a hint- she's one of two other people present when Naruto reports in.

And the reason she would describe Ashi as regal has to do with his ancestry.

Annd finally, Unicorn, I meant to actually touch on that- I guess I didn't. The idea was that team numbers are passed down through the team to whomever teaches first. In this case, Naruto is the first teacher, so he has Team 7. Jiraiya had the first team out of the sannin, minato had the first team out of his team, kakashi was the only survivor of his team 7, and so on.

I could really see Konoha doing that. ^.^

But yeah, sorry, I only gave half the information, haha.

I'll fix it in a bit, thanks for commenting ;D
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
Meh.

Write them meeting Naruto already.
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
So I went back and fixed up the last snippet- I made some things clearer and elucidated on the team number issue a bit more.

So, the team finally meets Naruto! ^.^

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Team Seven slowed uncertainly as they walked onto training ground 7, the training ground permanently assigned to the current members of Team 7. Off to the side were three training posts, supposedly put in by the Sandaime for his team to use. Past that was the Memorial Stone- also put in by the Sandaime, though the position was in honor of the sensei of that time's team seven- the Yondaime.

There was no one at the training ground except some civilian sleeping facedown on the ground, head on his jacket, features indistinguishable.

They each looked at each, unsure what to do.

"Well..." Inari started.

"I think we should wake him up. A training ground is not the place for a civilian." Ashi interrupted.

Uzume nodded determinedly. "He's right. We should get him out of here, then find sensei."

A baritone voice rang out. "I'm not a civilian. Get over here."

The kids all blinked, confused, as they walked over. He wearing, they noted, civilian clothing. It was clearly expensive- well made, western formal wear was not something you could just go out and buy.

Why, exactly, there was a not-civilian in a white buttondown with rolled up sleeves and dark pants on their training ground in dress shoes was a mystery.

They finally stopped next to him. "Sir, even if you aren't a civilian, this training ground is off limits to everyone except Team Seven."

The man on the ground sighed, pulling himself up. "I'm supposed to be here. Sit down."

He flung his jacket over his knee as he sat back against the trunk of a training post.

They began inspecting him closer as they sat down, now noting that the dress shoes were well shined boots, and the Konoha headband tied around his bicep.

He had shaggy blond that was tied back in a spiky semblance of a ponytail and hung almost in his eyes, which were a bright electric blue. Upon his cheeks were six thin, curving slashes that accentuated his high cheekbones.

Inari gasped.

"You're our sensei!"

Uzume whipped her head back to look at him again- he was dressed nothing like the tiny picture the book had, but the face looked similar.

Why wasn't he wearing his famous coat or his scroll?

"No, but I am Uzumaki Naruto."

They all blinked at each other- just what did that mean?

"Alright, so introduce yourselves. Names, likes, dislikes, a hobby and... eh, something interesting about you."

Inari looked at the man uncertainly. "Are you gonna introduce yourself?"

It was rather rude of the man to demand that of them when they didn't even know anything about him. Or, well, they wouldn't, had that section not been so huge.

The man- Uzumaki Naruto, apparently, seemed to actually freeze a little bit at that, before his eyes, so dull before, lit up and he chuckled once under his breath.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I have many hobbies, I like a lot of stuff, and I dislike few things. Something interesting...? Well, I have a section in the academy history book."

They all stared at him. That was it? That was all they got? They already knew every little bit of that!

A faint grin tugged at his lips as he watched them. He was clearly finding something about this amusing. "You, red hair, go."

Uzume glared at him. "I'm Akatoki Uzume. I like my family and the Ageshio clan. I dislike hypocrites. My hobby is painting, and a fact is that I've known Ashi since we were born."

The man nodded once at her, then pointed at Ashi, who tensed.

"My name is Ageshio Ashi. I favor my family and the Akatoki family. I am wary of samurai. My hobby would be archery, and my fact is that I wish to revive the former glory of my clan."

Uzume pinched him and whispered under her breath, "Priissy~!"

Naruto nodded at Ashi, ignoring Uzume, and finally pointed at Inari.

"Heya! I'm Higure Inari. I like cool books and trying to figure out how they go. I hate people who don't learn from the past. My hobby is reading, and my interesting fact is that I like to mess with people's heads."

Naruto nodded once. "Alright. So, I'll be honest. You are not genin yet, you are just potentials. You have to pass a test from me now, one that is required to have at least a 66% failure rate according to the scroll I was given. If you fail, you're sent to remedial. If you pass, we're a team."

The three kids hissed under their breath. This was bad. "What is your test, sensei?"

"Not your sensei."

They all stared at him.

"...You have to impress me. Get me interested in actually having a team. Because I don't want one, and I don't want to be back here."

Their eyes widened dramatically. Scratch that, this was bad! They had to impress Uzumaki Naruto?! The guy was called Godbreaker for his defeat of Pein! He had saved kingdoms, multiple times! He was a national hero in three countries! Hell, he had saved entire countries, even won a war singlehandedly!

He slowly stood up. The kids belatedly realized that he was very, very large. He towered over them, and likely everyone else, and was built like a brick wall.

"So, let's spar. Keep it interesting, kids."

Their stomachs finished dropping at those words. They had to spar him?!

------------------------

I'll be working on more soon, I promise! ^.^

I just figured you guys might like this since it's at a nice stopping point, and I still have to figure out the ending of his test.

I hope this is better than the last snippet. Unfortunately, not much interaction yet, and the Inari thing isn't there yet. This is really only half the next snippet I was planning. :( I tried to show the different things they might learn in the academy, especially about Naruto- there is a team seven chapter, and they each have a section.

Tell me what you think, please?
 

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
Interesting. I wonder what they'll pull of to actually impress him.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin

Coelacanth

Well-Known Member
zeebee1 said:
I nice stopping point is when the sequel is done.
I don't even know what that says.

Anyway, all your words so far have just been a bunch of descriptions, I'd like to see the story move along in any case. It may just be me, but I guess since the start of this fic, the lack of progress has left me dissatisfied.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
I think zeebee1 meant 'A nice stopping point is when the sequel is done.'

Whether that's a compliment or not, I don't know. He's either saying that she should write nonstop so he can read it, or that she should finish the whole thing first and thus go away for a long time.

I agree with michael, though to be fair we're only a few thousand words in, so a ton of plot advancement isn't going to be here yet. In any case, the setup is nice and all, but can we please get to them really interacting with naruto? Not just them meeting him, but actually doing shit?

In any case, decent snippet. Write the test already.
 

Ninsaneja

Well-Known Member
the zeebee1 is a mystery

a mystery wrapped in some spelling errors wrapped in the ability to say all he needs to say in 1 or 2 sentences.
 

kaiseryuu

Well-Known Member
zeebee is like dried banana flakes. Individual flakes don't have much flavour, but there are a fucktonne of flakes, and the taste kind of grows on you.

Could we get a rundown on all who are still alive at this point in time? Like are the old Kages still in power, what about new jinchuuriki, Bee, etc.
 
The failure rate isn't 'required' to be 66%, that's just what it is. Though they are required to go through with the test.
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the replies guys! ^.^

I'm working on the test now, Cooltony101neo.

@Prince Charon: I hope you like what I'm planning then! :D

I'll take that as a compliment zeebee1.

Shirotsume and dr.michael92, I'll try to speed things up a little, but I can only advance the plot so fast. There just needs to be more snippets for that, and unfortunately the end of the school year is here, so finals are here :(

Kaiseryuu, I'll only give that information early if people want it, so can some people please reply with whether or not people want to know?

And finally, Herdo, oh my gosh, how did I not notice that! D: I'm adding them right now, thanks for pointing it out!

If you don't want to go back, they are:
Uzume: She's known Ashi since they were born.
Inari: He likes messing with people's heads.
Ashi: He wishes to help his clan back to it's former glory.
 

Hawk

Well-Known Member
the DragonBard said:
The failure rate isn't 'required' to be 66%, that's just what it is.? Though they are required to go through with the test.
In canon it never says either way- here, I'm making it also a requirement. It would be in that scroll of things jounin sensei have to do.

Here, I'm playing off that fact to show he doesn't care either way, but also let him hint out that his test is much, much harder than a 66% failure rate.

The kiddies seem to have picked this up, haha ^.^
 

kaiseryuu

Well-Known Member
Well, fleshing out the world would be nice, but if you plan on having a "dun dun duuu here's an angry Tsuchikage!"-moment, then maybe leave it out.

Also, lower k. I get prissy about capital letters in my name.
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
I would like to know who is still alive as well, unless you're planning on making an important plot point with it.
 

sinewyk

Well-Known Member
I love it.
It's like Naruto could just roll over and die and he himself wouldn't care, he's so tired ...
It's great =).
Maybe his self-respect will show up once again to protect his genins later !
Keep up the good work >.>
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
So, if Naruto finds out that over 33% of the teams passed he will be required by law to fail his team?
 

Shirotsume

Not The Goddamn @dmin
zeebee1 said:
So, if Naruto finds out that over 33% of the teams passed he will be required by law to fail his team?
I highly doubt they would make Naruto fail the team if they pass, considering they're try to tie him down to Konoha with them.
 

zeebee1

Well-Known Member
Still, limiting the teams like that seems pretty stupid. This is a military village. You can't maintain that type of power if you restrict your soldiers like that. If it was based on the numbers of potential teachers I could understand, but using percentages seems stupid.
 
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