Naruto Burnout
- Thread starter Hawk
- Start date
Well, interaction's gonna be pretty dependant on what the team is like. You say that they aren't going to be clones of team 7, so I'm going to assume that it's a relatively balanced team. Not a failure, a prodigy, and an average student, more along the lines of 3 probably average, perhaps mildly gifted, kids.
So, given that, I'm getting the sense that these kids are intended less for catching his interest as far as skills go (not that this Naruto sould probably care about skill anyways) and are going to him because of their positive attitudes [read: insufferably happy or insufferably annoying]
How do you want three happy-go-lucky, freshly minted child soldiers to react with a nihilistic demigod of carnage?
So, given that, I'm getting the sense that these kids are intended less for catching his interest as far as skills go (not that this Naruto sould probably care about skill anyways) and are going to him because of their positive attitudes [read: insufferably happy or insufferably annoying]
How do you want three happy-go-lucky, freshly minted child soldiers to react with a nihilistic demigod of carnage?
The girl(s) on the team should have a crush on Naruto that is, of course, crushed by the reality of the person.
Or the guy(s) could look up to him and have a similar hopecrush.
Then, if Naruto actually teaches them well, they could learn that he actually is awesome later on... or he could let them down.
EDIT: I mean, a crush on/looking up to the war hero who is glorified like the Fourth for saving Konoha!
Or the guy(s) could look up to him and have a similar hopecrush.
Then, if Naruto actually teaches them well, they could learn that he actually is awesome later on... or he could let them down.
EDIT: I mean, a crush on/looking up to the war hero who is glorified like the Fourth for saving Konoha!
Eeeh... I'm not feeling the team so far.
The boys are basically non-entities. It took too long to get their names, and we didn't learn anything about their personalities or goals or a bit of history.
All we got is a girl that reaches for weapons over... over nothing, actually. I mean, I guess maybe those two harass her, but mostly they've just existed, which just makes her look like someone that wants to be a psychopath.
I dunno. This intro scene is really important, and it isn't really working.
If there's tension within these three, make it real. Unless this girl is the protagonist, you should probably rotate and give each of the kids a turn as narrator; that will give each one a chance to be sympathetic to the audience and invite us to root for them. And build their perspective.
I'm not sure how I feel about them all having untapped potential that they're all just waiting for the right sensei to unlock, which is basically what always happens, so be aware of that.
The boys are basically non-entities. It took too long to get their names, and we didn't learn anything about their personalities or goals or a bit of history.
All we got is a girl that reaches for weapons over... over nothing, actually. I mean, I guess maybe those two harass her, but mostly they've just existed, which just makes her look like someone that wants to be a psychopath.
I dunno. This intro scene is really important, and it isn't really working.
If there's tension within these three, make it real. Unless this girl is the protagonist, you should probably rotate and give each of the kids a turn as narrator; that will give each one a chance to be sympathetic to the audience and invite us to root for them. And build their perspective.
I'm not sure how I feel about them all having untapped potential that they're all just waiting for the right sensei to unlock, which is basically what always happens, so be aware of that.
Thanks ucal!
Daniel: Well, I'm planning on rotating through them. The graduation is from Uzume's point of view, the introduction is Ashi's, and the test is Inari's.
And it's less tension here than you think. It's actually simple what both the boys are doing, and if you think like a 12 year old, you'll understand. She just has a temper that's reaching it's end.
I may have gone a little far with her temper though- how could I fix that?
Daniel: Well, I'm planning on rotating through them. The graduation is from Uzume's point of view, the introduction is Ashi's, and the test is Inari's.
And it's less tension here than you think. It's actually simple what both the boys are doing, and if you think like a 12 year old, you'll understand. She just has a temper that's reaching it's end.
I may have gone a little far with her temper though- how could I fix that?
xTwilitSun93x said:
Thanks ucal!
Daniel: Well, I'm planning on rotating through them. The graduation is from Uzume's point of view, the introduction is Ashi's, and the test is Inari's.
And it's less tension here than you think. It's actually simple what both the boys are doing, and if you think like a 12 year old, you'll understand. She just has a temper that's reaching it's end.
I may have gone a little far with her temper though- how could I fix that?
Daniel: Well, I'm planning on rotating through them. The graduation is from Uzume's point of view, the introduction is Ashi's, and the test is Inari's.
And it's less tension here than you think. It's actually simple what both the boys are doing, and if you think like a 12 year old, you'll understand. She just has a temper that's reaching it's end.
I may have gone a little far with her temper though- how could I fix that?
Pretty much guys.
They both have a bit of a crush on her, and while she's violent, she wouldn't stab them. Just threaten to. Maybe I should make that clearer in the snippet?
And yeah, Shirotsume nailed it.
What else in the snippet should I change, and what should I add in the next snippets to help it along? This is all just the first chapter, and like I said we're going to be switching through the different kids- this chapter will end with the conclusion of the bell test.
Thanks for the help ^.^
They both have a bit of a crush on her, and while she's violent, she wouldn't stab them. Just threaten to. Maybe I should make that clearer in the snippet?
And yeah, Shirotsume nailed it.
What else in the snippet should I change, and what should I add in the next snippets to help it along? This is all just the first chapter, and like I said we're going to be switching through the different kids- this chapter will end with the conclusion of the bell test.
Thanks for the help ^.^
This has yet to come up but something I kinda wonder about that alot of authors
ignore when writing about Naruto winning the war is the Bijuu and Jinchuuriki. Are
the rest still sealed in that statue? Do the Hidden Villages have new Jinchuuriki? Is
Kirabi still alive and if so what if there is any is his relationship with Naruto like?
And what about the other Hidden Villages? Are they still allied with each other?
Was there ever an alliance in this story?
Anyway just stuff to keep in mind down the road. Overall I like it though one of
the things i'm curious about is Kurenai, did her students die since she is maybe
teaching a new team? I ask beacuse Gai, Kakkashi, Asuma and Kurenai were all
still teaching their students as Chuunin or in Neji's case Jounin. Wow sorry this was so long and this seems great so far.
ignore when writing about Naruto winning the war is the Bijuu and Jinchuuriki. Are
the rest still sealed in that statue? Do the Hidden Villages have new Jinchuuriki? Is
Kirabi still alive and if so what if there is any is his relationship with Naruto like?
And what about the other Hidden Villages? Are they still allied with each other?
Was there ever an alliance in this story?
Anyway just stuff to keep in mind down the road. Overall I like it though one of
the things i'm curious about is Kurenai, did her students die since she is maybe
teaching a new team? I ask beacuse Gai, Kakkashi, Asuma and Kurenai were all
still teaching their students as Chuunin or in Neji's case Jounin. Wow sorry this was so long and this seems great so far.
This actually seems quite promising and is also the first piece of fanfiction I've read in years.
I think you could improve the last snippet with some more team interaction. You skip through the time between having the team announcement and the Jounin arriving very quickly. The two boys seem like they're probably friends/rivals and I'm sure they'd both be excited and speculative about who their Jounin sensei might be. You could use that opportunity to give us some exposition as well.
Maybe they're hoping for Kakashi as he was their hero Naruto's sensei, but Uzume who has little patience for the two boys pops their bubble and we learn that he hasn't taken students on since our Team 7. In this scenario, not only are we getting back story about a presumably important character, but we're also getting a small insight into the team's personality and Uzume gets to be impatient with the boys without coming across as psychotic.
The way she pops that bubble would be very telling of her personality.
I think you could improve the last snippet with some more team interaction. You skip through the time between having the team announcement and the Jounin arriving very quickly. The two boys seem like they're probably friends/rivals and I'm sure they'd both be excited and speculative about who their Jounin sensei might be. You could use that opportunity to give us some exposition as well.
Maybe they're hoping for Kakashi as he was their hero Naruto's sensei, but Uzume who has little patience for the two boys pops their bubble and we learn that he hasn't taken students on since our Team 7. In this scenario, not only are we getting back story about a presumably important character, but we're also getting a small insight into the team's personality and Uzume gets to be impatient with the boys without coming across as psychotic.
The way she pops that bubble would be very telling of her personality.
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry for the huge wait, I got all caught up in school and dance and sports and I'm so sorry. :<
Hopefully you guys like this snippet, part of the huge wait was because I couldn't figure out how to make it work. Ignore what you saw before, this replaces the last snippet!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Amongst the tree-lined pathway to the academy, two youths faced each other while petals floated by.
They were old family friends, but most importantly to them-
"This is finally it! We're ninja now, Ashi-kun!"
They had passed their Academy exam yesterday, and were being assigned to teams today.
The girl, Uzume Akatoki, was positively beaming in delight, green eyes sparkling. She was of modest height for a girl her age, with long red hair. She found long hair to be annoying, but she kept it long, claiming that she found it cuter. That she had her hair exactly like her older sister's was unrelated, of course.
The boy in question, Ageshio Ashi, merely grinned. He was slightly taller than the girl, but not by much. He had dignified features, tempered by the easy-going look in his eye, with black eyes and black hair pulled back into a short ponytail.
He shook his head once at her exuberant enthusiasm, before snatching her hand and dragging her in. She was too excited to do more than huff as she was bodily dragged through the door.
"Think we'll end up on the same team, Ashi-kun?"
Ashi thought for a moment.
"I think so. We have known each other since forever, I am sure Iruka-sensei will have taken that into account with team assignments."
"Yeah, I guess we did always do really well on team assignments together."
Ashi didn't respond, satisfied that the conversation.
"...Who do you think our sensei will be?"
Ashi paused for a moment to gather his thoughts.
"I am not sure. I have no way of knowing which jounin are even in the rotation, or even the jounin of the village."
Uzume looked at him carefully, as if she was measuring him.
He stiffened, watching her warily- what had he said?
"You're doing that prissy thing again."
Ashi ducked his in embarrassment. "Sorry, Uzume-chan."
She smiled brightly. "No problem- look, look, it's Iruka-sensei!"
Indeed it was- and he was carrying a folder that had their team assignments.
Truth be told, Ashi was nervous about whether or not he would be on the same team as his neighbor and longtime friend. He and Uzume had been best friends since as long as he could remember, as both their parents had all been close friends. They had practically been raised together.
He could tell Uzume was nervous too- she was being oddly subdued in her hyperactivity.
The bell rang, and Iruka straightened up from his desk with a wide smile.
"Well class..." Iruka started, "congratulations, graduates!"
The class erupted into a few cheers and whistles. Neither Ashi nor Uzume said anything, though Ashi's face had a hint of a smile and Uzume was practically vibrating in her seat.
"I'm proud of you all. This is the last time I'll be your teacher- from now on, we'll be comrades. Do any of you have any last questions?"
A rather average looking brown haired boy in the back- Higure Inari, if Uzume remembered right- flung his hand in the air.
"Yes, Inari-kun?"
"Iruka-sensei, you said you would show us what cool ninja stuff you could do when we graduated back in first year!"
The class gasped, remembering that promise from so long ago. The kids leaned forward in their seat.
Iruka smiled. "Excellent memory, Inari-kun. As for what cool ninja stuff I do... well, look around. Look at your classmates. Or look at yourself, that works too."
The kids looked at each other uncertainly.
"Think back to when you first entered these halls, frightened at the newness, excited by the prospects, and full of potential. How untrained, slow, and unwieldy you were with your own bodies."
Realization started to dawn on the kids. That had been so long ago- and they had been so weak, so unassuming of what they would be in for.
"Now look at yourself. That's my cool ninja skill, Inari. I helped you all to where you are today. I know a lot of teachers don't take enough pride in what they do. They think they would be better off in the field. So here's one last question, class."
Iruka straightened up, grinning. "Who is more important to Konoha in the long run? One ninja in the field, or 27 new ninja- you! The future of Konoha!"
The class looked at him. It wasn't flashy, it wasn't lethal, it wasn't badass. But it was, undeniably, pretty damn cool.
Just as promised.
"Now class... it's time to learn your teams."
The class was forward in their seats again, and Iruka spared himself a grin.
He started listing off names, the class buzzing with anticipation, muttering, and quiet conversation, all of which was based around the teams. None oft this mattered to Uzume or Ashi, until finally...
"Team 7! Akatoki Uzume, Ageshio Ashi, and Higure Inari!"
Uzume cheered. She was on a team with Ashi, and Inari was always really nice to her and seemed competent!
The three spared a quick, millisecond glance, green eyes to brown to black.
Inari got up from his seat with a lazy grin and plopped himself next to his new teammates, who both quickly greeted their new teammate.
"Figured since you both were already together I'd just come down here." he said, smiling.
Uzume smiled and Ashi nodded at him.
"So, Team 7, huh? Man, what if we get Sharingan Kakashi? He was the captain of the last Team 7!"
Uzume laughed. "We were here for history class too, Inari. We know team numbers get passed down through teams. Besides, he's somewhere in ANBU I think."
Ashi looked over at her. "Why do you think that?"
"Well, I mean, it's Sharingan Kakashi! If he was anywhere other than in some secret thing, that chapter would have been a lot longer!"
They all groaned at that thought. That had been a really long chapter- the longest in the book.
They had learned about all the other team sevens before them though- each a veritable powerhouse in their own right. Four of the six teams had held Hokages, and it might soon be five, if what their history books had said about whenever Uzumaki Naruto returned from his training hermitage had been true.
They had a lot to live up to.
"Alright class, it's time to break for lunch, come back by 12 to meet your new jounin sensei."
The three looked at each other, surprised he had already went through the rest of the teams. "Lunch?" Inari asked.
"But of course." Ashi responded.
The three walked out together.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The three were back just before the bell rang, sitting together near the front.
After a minute, Iruka and several ninjas came in, the last ninja shutting the door.
"These will be your jounin sensei, kids." Iruka started. All the kids looked at the sensei carefully, wondering which was theirs.
Uzume tuned out the first six, but when the seventh stepped forward, her eyes snapped to her and suppressed a gasp at the beautiful woman. She suppressed a fist pump that was building up.
"I'm Yuuhi Kurenai. Team Seven-"
Uzume resisted doing a little dance. Their sensei was a jounin kunoichi! That meant she would be able to give the best advice to help her become the best ninja- a kunoichi jounin was rare and they had one!
Uzume, Ashi and Inari all stood up, getting ready to follow the woman out.
"No, no, sit back down, I'm the sensei for Team Eight. I'm just telling you that your sensei isn't here, he wants you to meet him at Training Ground Seven."
They blinked, dismayed. Their sensei didn't even come to pick them up?
"Actually Kurenai, they don't have to sit back down, they're free to go meet their sensei if they wish." Iruka said. He turned to team seven. "I wish he could have came down to pick you up, I would have liked to see him too, but he must be busy. Your sensei is Uzumaki Naruto."
The class hushed instantly, awestruck.
Team 7's eyes widened.
Uzume managed to utter, in a very small, strangled voice, "Holy shit."
-----------------------------------
Just so you know, they aren't going to be copies of team 7, they just seem like that superficially. You'll see
Anyway, tell me what you guys thought of this one, please? I just couldn't figure out to make this work well, but I hated leaving you guys so long and I couldn't find a way to do it, so i just did it, and so I hope I managed it. If not, could you please tell me how to fix it so I can?
Sorry again for the wait
Hopefully you guys like this snippet, part of the huge wait was because I couldn't figure out how to make it work. Ignore what you saw before, this replaces the last snippet!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Amongst the tree-lined pathway to the academy, two youths faced each other while petals floated by.
They were old family friends, but most importantly to them-
"This is finally it! We're ninja now, Ashi-kun!"
They had passed their Academy exam yesterday, and were being assigned to teams today.
The girl, Uzume Akatoki, was positively beaming in delight, green eyes sparkling. She was of modest height for a girl her age, with long red hair. She found long hair to be annoying, but she kept it long, claiming that she found it cuter. That she had her hair exactly like her older sister's was unrelated, of course.
The boy in question, Ageshio Ashi, merely grinned. He was slightly taller than the girl, but not by much. He had dignified features, tempered by the easy-going look in his eye, with black eyes and black hair pulled back into a short ponytail.
He shook his head once at her exuberant enthusiasm, before snatching her hand and dragging her in. She was too excited to do more than huff as she was bodily dragged through the door.
"Think we'll end up on the same team, Ashi-kun?"
Ashi thought for a moment.
"I think so. We have known each other since forever, I am sure Iruka-sensei will have taken that into account with team assignments."
"Yeah, I guess we did always do really well on team assignments together."
Ashi didn't respond, satisfied that the conversation.
"...Who do you think our sensei will be?"
Ashi paused for a moment to gather his thoughts.
"I am not sure. I have no way of knowing which jounin are even in the rotation, or even the jounin of the village."
Uzume looked at him carefully, as if she was measuring him.
He stiffened, watching her warily- what had he said?
"You're doing that prissy thing again."
Ashi ducked his in embarrassment. "Sorry, Uzume-chan."
She smiled brightly. "No problem- look, look, it's Iruka-sensei!"
Indeed it was- and he was carrying a folder that had their team assignments.
Truth be told, Ashi was nervous about whether or not he would be on the same team as his neighbor and longtime friend. He and Uzume had been best friends since as long as he could remember, as both their parents had all been close friends. They had practically been raised together.
He could tell Uzume was nervous too- she was being oddly subdued in her hyperactivity.
The bell rang, and Iruka straightened up from his desk with a wide smile.
"Well class..." Iruka started, "congratulations, graduates!"
The class erupted into a few cheers and whistles. Neither Ashi nor Uzume said anything, though Ashi's face had a hint of a smile and Uzume was practically vibrating in her seat.
"I'm proud of you all. This is the last time I'll be your teacher- from now on, we'll be comrades. Do any of you have any last questions?"
A rather average looking brown haired boy in the back- Higure Inari, if Uzume remembered right- flung his hand in the air.
"Yes, Inari-kun?"
"Iruka-sensei, you said you would show us what cool ninja stuff you could do when we graduated back in first year!"
The class gasped, remembering that promise from so long ago. The kids leaned forward in their seat.
Iruka smiled. "Excellent memory, Inari-kun. As for what cool ninja stuff I do... well, look around. Look at your classmates. Or look at yourself, that works too."
The kids looked at each other uncertainly.
"Think back to when you first entered these halls, frightened at the newness, excited by the prospects, and full of potential. How untrained, slow, and unwieldy you were with your own bodies."
Realization started to dawn on the kids. That had been so long ago- and they had been so weak, so unassuming of what they would be in for.
"Now look at yourself. That's my cool ninja skill, Inari. I helped you all to where you are today. I know a lot of teachers don't take enough pride in what they do. They think they would be better off in the field. So here's one last question, class."
Iruka straightened up, grinning. "Who is more important to Konoha in the long run? One ninja in the field, or 27 new ninja- you! The future of Konoha!"
The class looked at him. It wasn't flashy, it wasn't lethal, it wasn't badass. But it was, undeniably, pretty damn cool.
Just as promised.
"Now class... it's time to learn your teams."
The class was forward in their seats again, and Iruka spared himself a grin.
He started listing off names, the class buzzing with anticipation, muttering, and quiet conversation, all of which was based around the teams. None oft this mattered to Uzume or Ashi, until finally...
"Team 7! Akatoki Uzume, Ageshio Ashi, and Higure Inari!"
Uzume cheered. She was on a team with Ashi, and Inari was always really nice to her and seemed competent!
The three spared a quick, millisecond glance, green eyes to brown to black.
Inari got up from his seat with a lazy grin and plopped himself next to his new teammates, who both quickly greeted their new teammate.
"Figured since you both were already together I'd just come down here." he said, smiling.
Uzume smiled and Ashi nodded at him.
"So, Team 7, huh? Man, what if we get Sharingan Kakashi? He was the captain of the last Team 7!"
Uzume laughed. "We were here for history class too, Inari. We know team numbers get passed down through teams. Besides, he's somewhere in ANBU I think."
Ashi looked over at her. "Why do you think that?"
"Well, I mean, it's Sharingan Kakashi! If he was anywhere other than in some secret thing, that chapter would have been a lot longer!"
They all groaned at that thought. That had been a really long chapter- the longest in the book.
They had learned about all the other team sevens before them though- each a veritable powerhouse in their own right. Four of the six teams had held Hokages, and it might soon be five, if what their history books had said about whenever Uzumaki Naruto returned from his training hermitage had been true.
They had a lot to live up to.
"Alright class, it's time to break for lunch, come back by 12 to meet your new jounin sensei."
The three looked at each other, surprised he had already went through the rest of the teams. "Lunch?" Inari asked.
"But of course." Ashi responded.
The three walked out together.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The three were back just before the bell rang, sitting together near the front.
After a minute, Iruka and several ninjas came in, the last ninja shutting the door.
"These will be your jounin sensei, kids." Iruka started. All the kids looked at the sensei carefully, wondering which was theirs.
Uzume tuned out the first six, but when the seventh stepped forward, her eyes snapped to her and suppressed a gasp at the beautiful woman. She suppressed a fist pump that was building up.
"I'm Yuuhi Kurenai. Team Seven-"
Uzume resisted doing a little dance. Their sensei was a jounin kunoichi! That meant she would be able to give the best advice to help her become the best ninja- a kunoichi jounin was rare and they had one!
Uzume, Ashi and Inari all stood up, getting ready to follow the woman out.
"No, no, sit back down, I'm the sensei for Team Eight. I'm just telling you that your sensei isn't here, he wants you to meet him at Training Ground Seven."
They blinked, dismayed. Their sensei didn't even come to pick them up?
"Actually Kurenai, they don't have to sit back down, they're free to go meet their sensei if they wish." Iruka said. He turned to team seven. "I wish he could have came down to pick you up, I would have liked to see him too, but he must be busy. Your sensei is Uzumaki Naruto."
The class hushed instantly, awestruck.
Team 7's eyes widened.
Uzume managed to utter, in a very small, strangled voice, "Holy shit."
-----------------------------------
Just so you know, they aren't going to be copies of team 7, they just seem like that superficially. You'll see
Anyway, tell me what you guys thought of this one, please? I just couldn't figure out to make this work well, but I hated leaving you guys so long and I couldn't find a way to do it, so i just did it, and so I hope I managed it. If not, could you please tell me how to fix it so I can?
Sorry again for the wait
Naruto will talk about this later when the do team introductions, but Inari isn't the Inari from wave. How he handles it is going to be what sets their awe from sinking to dashed across the rocks.
No, Naruto is not going to be very amused by this team.
But enough about that! What did you guys think? Are the interactions decent? ^.^
No, Naruto is not going to be very amused by this team.
But enough about that! What did you guys think? Are the interactions decent? ^.^
The way you described them was not a good sign. You spoke of how a girl's sister looked. You described the hair of a character that hasn't shown up and said it looked cool, seemingly from the author's perspective. You even used an exclamation mark.
And the boy was said to be regal.
These are not good signs. We don't care if you think they look cool or regal. The readers decide if that's the case. All you have to do is tell us what they look like.
And the boy was said to be regal.
These are not good signs. We don't care if you think they look cool or regal. The readers decide if that's the case. All you have to do is tell us what they look like.