Naruto Burnout

[Hawk]

Sorry, kaiseryuu! D:

And thanks for the compliment, sinewyk! ^.^

As for the 33% passing thing, I agree it's rather silly, but it's canon. Who knows, maybe after getting sent back you just basically become a career genin or something?

Anyway, the only thing that I will confirm relating to deaths- Everyone who is currently dead in canon is dead in here. Past this point in canon, everything that goes on is AU. Madara is dead- so is Sasuke. Most of the people you're worried about are still alive, with the exception of one. Naruto avoids people because he hates the hero worship.

That's all I'll say ^.^ If you can figure it out though, congratz!

 

[Antiguo]

I liked it.

The Idea of Naruto having his spirit broken by following the Plan of the 5 kages is a very good one and the plot was coming quite nicely.

Then it came Naruto God mode. Seriously, Godbreaker? Ended the war singlehandely? Its just so... silly to put so much overpowerment in Naruto, making him a walking God because... then what?. How could you add drama to an already undefeatable, unstoppable Protagonist, not to mention that by doing this you are throwing away hundreds of characters, both Canon and OCC that could had make the story interesting and epic.

There is a reason why the Game Breaker exist and really, it takes a lot of weight in your work when Naruto is sucked up so blatantly, to the point of mindless adoration.

Also, Godbreaker?. Pardon me if I remembered wrong, but wasn't Pain already weakened after singlehandely destroyin one of the Strongest Military outpost in the Planet and leaving it as a smoldering crater; that Naruto came with the deadliest Frog Warriors and the 2 elders, went kyubi 8 tails and still Pain died because he revived all of Konoha after recieving the Therapy-No-Jutsu from Naruto?

And the War, weren't like 80,000 Ninja Soldiers in the front and Naruto didn't enter after recieving the First wave and defeating the great legends of the Naruto Verse in immortal zombie flavor? What about them?.

Making Naruto powerful is not bad but I don't think you are working him in a correct way and that your story is gonna implod very soon by the weight of Naruto characterization. Conflic is the breath of the stories or as put by Less Wrong.

The First Law of Fanfiction states that every change which strengthens the protagonists requires a corresponding worsening of their challenges. Or in plainer language: You can't make Frodo a Jedi without giving Sauron the Death Star. Read any book on writing ever and it will tell you that stories are about conflict; a hero too strong for their conflict is no longer in tense, heart-pounding difficulty.

Remember that the Sandaime was considered the God among Shinobis and was capable of Facing in even ground two extraordinarily powerful immortall Hokages and Orochimaru and still he wasn't such a Black Hole in characterization. And what about the rest of the Kages and the legends and, well you get the idea.

I hope you continue the story but really, should let down the Naruto is "awesome" thematic a little bit before it swallow the rest of the Verse like a black hole.

 

[billy4233]

Well weren't the majority of people who went before Naruto either killed or seriously wounded? Also, this rumor could be Konohagakure propaganda. What better way to draw more business to your village than by having the godbreaker under your control?

 

[Hawk]

Thanks for the reviews

To assuage your worries, Antiguo, there's a lot of plot that hasn't been revealed yet, especially regarding Naruto's hype. You're also looking at the plot entirely wrong- it's not action/adeventure. He's not going to be in any huge climatic battles, because that's not the point.

I had a long post in regards to this, but I've found a more elegant way to explain it.

Those praises are ashes in Naruto's mouth. He knows how the fight with Pein goes down. He knows who bore the brunt of the war. But he didn't come up with his accolades.

In the interest of not revealing too much of the central plot, that's all I'll say.

But still... I hope that explains it ^.^

 

[Prince Charon]

most likely, it's just the average passing-ratio.

That was my thought, as well. AFAIK, it isn't contradicted by canon, either.

 

[SEG-CISR]

Then it came Naruto God mode. Seriously, Godbreaker? Ended the war singlehandely? Its just so... silly to put so much overpowerment in Naruto, making him a walking God because... ? then what?. How could you add drama to an already undefeatable, unstoppable Protagonist, not to mention that by doing this you are throwing away hundreds of characters, both Canon and OCC that could had make the story interesting and epic.

There is a reason why the Game Breaker exist and really, it takes a lot of weight in your work when Naruto is sucked up so blatantly, to the point of mindless adoration.

Also, Godbreaker?. Pardon me if I remembered wrong, but wasn't Pain already weakened after singlehandely destroyin one of the Strongest Military outpost in the Planet and leaving it as a smoldering crater; that? Naruto came with the deadliest Frog Warriors and the 2 elders, went kyubi 8 tails and still Pain died because he revived all of Konoha after recieving the Therapy-No-Jutsu from Naruto?

And the War, weren't like 80,000 Ninja Soldiers in the front and Naruto didn't enter after recieving the First wave and defeating the great legends of the Naruto Verse in immortal zombie flavor? What about them?.

Making Naruto powerful is not bad but I don't think you are working? him in a correct way and that your story is gonna implod very soon by the weight of Naruto characterization. Conflic is the breath of the stories or as put by Less Wrong.

The First Law of Fanfiction states that every change which strengthens the protagonists requires a corresponding worsening of their challenges. Or in plainer language: You can't make Frodo a Jedi without giving Sauron the Death Star. Read any book on writing ever and it will tell you that stories are about conflict; a hero too strong for their conflict is no longer in tense, heart-pounding difficulty.

Remember that the Sandaime was considered the God among Shinobis and was capable of Facing in even ground two extraordinarily powerful immortall Hokages and Orochimaru and still he wasn't such a Black Hole in characterization. And what about the rest of the Kages and the legends and, well you get the idea.

I hope you continue the story but really, should let down the Naruto is "awesome" thematic a little bit before it swallow the rest of the Verse like a black hole.

First Law of Fanfiction, revised for use by more skilled authors: As a writer, don't get too mad at readers. Fanfiction readers as a whole tend to be less literate than other kinds of readers, Twilight fans notwithstanding.

Exhibit A:

 

[Antiguo]

So, its a redemption/friendship/Master-disciple story?

Because that would be... quite awesome, really. The grow or the redentification of Naruto as a human being and as a Ninja bia his students, the teachings and introspection of what it means be mercenary for hire, the loyalty both to the Village and your comrades and the weight of difficult and not entirely perfect but indispensable decisions and the guilt of this, sounds quite the interesting story.

So, would it be like a Pai Mei (but less xenophobic and misogynist) fallen for grace type of Teacher? Or more like Kenichi Mightiest Disciple kind of Teacher?

Also, It would be good to see how the other teachers interact with their genin Teams, instead of just focusing in Team 7 exclusively like in the manga.

 

[Hawk]

It... kinda is. It's more complicated than that, but in essence, that is a major part of the story. The only main larger theme is the difference one's point of view makes. ^.^

Of course, still, the story is going to be all about problems- regardless of whether or not you're the most powerful man in the world, being seen as that leads to it's own problems. Otherwise the story would be bland! :<

Add that on top of everything else that's going wrong in Naruto's life...?

Anyway, thanks for the comments

 

[zeebee1]

Is a man a hero when he wins a war? Or are there any true winners in war? I think that's the big perspective issue.

 

[Morsamare]

Sure there are, there are a lot of winners in war, usually called the survivors. Granted, as with most things, the winners are usually vastly outnumbered by the losers.

 

[sinewyk]

Sure there are, there are a lot of winners in war, usually called the survivors.? Granted, as with most things, the winners are usually vastly outnumbered by the losers.

I think zeebee was more philosophical ... which sounds weird coming from zeebee from what I saw up to today but ...
Yeah, there's this movie aboard a USS Submarine with nuclear heads about war with Denzel Washington which struck me about that topic ...
In a land where a war has the capability to destroy the planet ( or kill a lot of people ) the enemy of war, is war itself
There is no "winners", everybody lose simply by entering the war. Which is the major difference in Naruto between Sarutobi and Danzo ... yeah sure a war boost the economy, inflame the will of soldiers and their family but ... a lot of people die and a lot of anger remains from the "winner" and the "loser" at the end of that war.

Naruto here "won", but he lost. He lost his mentor, he lost his "Will of Fire", he maybe lost his will to fight. Well, he's a dead man walking for now. He's praised as a killer whereas at one time he never wanted to kill people.

 

[Python453]

There are no winners in war. There are just people who lose less.

 

[Inaba]

There are no winners in war. There are just people who lose less.

That's too broad a generalization - I'd think that the companies who manufacture weapons did quite well, not to mention whoever snapped the contracts for rebuilding from the recent war in Iraq. And this is without going into the conquest sprees of various peoples from the past.

 

[Da-Guru]

I don't think this is the right time or place for that argument, Inaba.

Let us simply say that war has a very high human cost. This Naruto has seen that first hand. And it broke him.

 

[Inaba]

Agreed, I've no absolutely no complaints about that.

 

[sinewyk]

I don't think this is the right time or place for that argument, Inaba.

Let us simply say that war has a very high human cost.? This Naruto has seen that first hand.? And it broke him.

Wow, you actually stopped TFF-ers to go off-topic. That was pretty awesome

 

[Antiguo]

Winners in war?... Well it depend of what you try to acomplish with the war and how you do it.

If it's a war of conquest, well, if you do it like the Romans there are substansial winnings in the form of land, slaves, resources and else. Its far from perfect and there are many losers (from the very soldiers that fight said war down to the "losers" of the war) but you could do it the Mongol style and destroy 95% of what you want to conquest and end expending more than if you avoid conquering.

Is how one wage the war that speak of the results. Its also remembering that the war is always only the first step, in many ways the easiest one in any enterprise that needs the use of armed forces. Trying to pacify the population, reconstruct the buildings and bussiness, defend the new territorie from outland enemies who would pray into the chaos and desesperation, protecting it from your own very soldiers and irreputable dreads of society (after all, its technically your stuff they are going to abuse ), exchaing said land to gave an specific profit, the morality of both your land and the new land (which mean order, security, basic service, transport, equality in technology (at least industrial)). Its a never ending enterprise that many Tactician forget about and seems to surprise conquerors and generals in history.

.... but I digress .

Naruto has the vibe of being a souless warrior. Like a kingless knight, an Honorless Samurai or a dancer with a broken hip. He really has lost all the will to fight, to even feel rage and indignation and had simply give up. He isn't so much a dead man walking but a dreamless depresive passive-agressive grumpy bear. As if the guilt of his sins had become so much that he had simply throw his hands in the air and say "Fuck it, Im done "

But the complain I would make is about the students. They seem so... not there. Like there is supposed to be a characterization but, I mean, its not that they are cliche but they seemed unfinished, as if they were a Frankestein of quirks and lines who are not quite joint together. Like puppets where the puppeter can't change voices and he forgot half of the dialogue and so she find himself forced to ab lib and he is really not good at it.

To be honest, even now I can't picture the three of them as anything other that "generic stick figure # 1, 2, 3", one of them with tits and Im not really sure which one.

Since they are going to become such a vital part for your story, I would say you should give it a new go to the Academy introduction and flesh them out a bit much; give them a bigger role or a characterization or emphasize in their backstory with more force so they are well delined before introducing Naruto or else they may get sucked into being only cute/ignorant crutches for Naruto and nothing more.

Unless that is their function and if so, cool :sisi: :sisi:

 

[Bunga]

A strange game, war is. The only way to win is not to play.

Getting some other poor schmuck to play for you while ripping him off all you can and then moving in after he's done to exploit the conquered area works too.

 

[Python453]

A strange game, war is. The only way to win is not to play.

You've never heard of the RMS Lusitania or Pearl Harbour, have you?

 

[Hawk]

Antiguo, you seem sad today. Did something happen? :<

And if you're wondering about the kids, they haven't been fleshed out yet because they've been the PoV characters. Why would the go into detail about themselves? Or share their life stories when they all already know it? From here out, it's mainly Naruto's PoV, and he's going to be trying to figure out these weird little kids right along with us.

After all, we haven't seen much of them yet, so of course we haven't seen much from them ^_^

 

[Da-Guru]

First person perspective is hard to manage. It requires a greater attention to detail. You have to say a lot with a little. It's my usual MO when writing. So I should know. Right now the kids seem a little flat because they don't really have a "voice" at the moment. The text seems like the narrator is pulling strings on the characters' mouths.

The solution I can give ya wouldn't do much good unless you feel like doing a rewrite: make the characters first, plot second. It gets you to thinking about motivations and how people would react a little more realistically.

 

[Shirotsume]

First person perspective is hard to manage. It requires a greater attention to detail. You have to say a lot with a little. It's my usual MO when writing. So I should know. Right now the kids seem a little flat because they don't really have a "voice" at the moment. The text seems like the narrator is pulling strings on the characters' mouths.

The solution I can give ya wouldn't do much good unless you feel like doing a rewrite: make the characters first, plot second. It gets you to thinking about motivations and how people would react a little more realistically.

Da-Guru, she's saying that it's intentional.

While I disagree that it should be, that's her prerogative.

 

[thermopyle2]

The failure rate isn't 'required' to be 66%, that's just what it is. Though they are required to go through with the test.

There isn't really a 66% failure rate. That was just Kakashi's nonsense, it's never been indicated or supported anywhere else. Notice that when they were reporting whether the teams passed or failed there was no discussion about it. They didn't sit down and say "Okay, so we had 10 teams graduate, and 4 passed, so now we need to cut one." Sadly, this just seems to be a statement taken at face-value for no reason by many people. The only time there's a reason to use it is if you're rewriting the initial test scene and having Kakashi say it again for dramatic purpose (hint: it's not really dramatic, so you can skip it.)

 

[Hawk]

Naruto surveyed his gaggle of genin.

He was terminally unimpressed. Then again, considering their task was to change that, he figured that was a good head start.

Just in case, though... well, an enraged genin is not an impressive genin.

Higure Inari was small and bristling with knives of various kinds... and wire. Lots of wire. He was wearing a simple pants and jacket combo in a nice muted gray, likely made with ripcloth. Other than that, he was completely unremarkable. Judging by the amount of knives and the commonality of his face, the kid probably had dreams of being grand... a good thing to poke at.

At least he made a decent attempt to not look like a ninja- maybe a well-to-do farmer's son playing ninja- and tried to hide his weapons, but the boy had enough knives to layer the long side of a barn.

The girl, Akatoki Uzume, was somehow even smaller and dressed in a nice black blouse and pants that accented her bright red hair. She seemed to be going a little too civilian, though, and didn't have any weapons.

He guessed cracks about height were the usual for her, so he figured that a quick way of enraging the ickle genin was the tried and true method of implying she was fat.

For the final kid, Ageshio Ashi... well, he seemed to be trying to throw subtlety out the window, given his large clawed gauntlets and metal facemask hanging around his neck. The oddly bulging black clothes he wore signified armor- and lots of it.

He looked like he took himself way too seriously, so treating him like a little kid was in order.

Should probably quit looming over the genin scaring them... nah.

Naruto smiled.

Genin quaked.

"Go."

And off they ran to hide like good little ninja.

Naruto brought one hand up to his chin.

"Hm. Time for a nap!"

And thus three genin strategized on how to take down the most powerful man they had ever seen, and said man... napped.

--------------------------------------------------------------

So... I have an apology to make. Sorry guys for taking so long. :<

Here's the reason why.

I have the end of the bell test written, as well as most of the middle, and the snippet above, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to start the actual test itself. D:

So, finally... I ask you, what are some ideas for how their first few attempts should go?

Because I've hit a writers block... and hurdled it, but I still need what's under that block!

Thanks guys, and sorry for the paltry update ^_~ I promise there will be more soon if I get some ideas!

 

[Spectral]

You could have the trio all walk away and go do something completely unrelated to the test, and ultimately have Naruto out of any semblance of curiosity find them. And have them explain that they wanted to impress him, so they did the opposite of intended.

But then again, that would be an intelligence boost far too quick in the story.