Bleach Conquistador

[Thorn]

@praeceps11: I didn't know that there were people that thought that. Still, hidden swords and the like are fairly common so that's not a point that should need to be belabored, but it wouldn't have been a point with just a bit more detail(*hinthint*).

I misread the original sentence, since it was clear enough for me to figure out what he meant. That sentence is awkward now that I read it properly, and could eaisly be fixed with more detail. (As an aside, I do professional [freelance] typing and something like that I tend to read over, recognize what was meant rather than said, and type things coherently so the inspecificness didn't even register. My bad.)

As far as I can recall, we've seen Yoruichi transform all of once. At/in a hotspring. It wouldn't surprise me to discover she could control her clothing showing up or not, regardless, that's a minor point to argue...that wouldn't even need thought if there'd been just a little bit more detail (I'm being an ass on purpose now, please note the difference).

@mindpron: Points, all. However, personally, I generally prefer a writer actually gets somewhere rather than telling us everything that's going on in painstaking detail. I like detail, but I'd rather know what happens next more often than not. Also, a lot of people are really bad at writing details because they fail to maintain tenses, action, flow etc. I totally understand where you're coming from, but I only agree about two-thirds of the time, I think. I've not given the matter a lot of thought, so maybe I agree more. Or possibly less. :huh.:

@zeebee1: In a conflict between two parties of equal power, the deciding factors are usually luck and skill. Realistically speaking, canon Ichigo should not have had any appreciable trouble fighting Zaraki, at the level the maniac was fighting to begin with, but Ichigo lacked any will to fight. All of his skill and determination always seem to be tied into his desire to protect his friends. Zaraki, who was more of an obstacle than an obstruction, failed to bring forth Ichigo's fighting instinct until his life was endangered. The best way to think of this new hybrid as it seems to me is that he 'always' has the Hollow mask on, but then we wouldn't have to speculate if there was more detail.

@Thorn: Most of the points... yeah, they could use and benefit from and really ought to have more detail, but it's not a story breaker. This:

Also, it was mentioned that his hollow isn't showing that much beside language. Let me explain.
Right now, Ichigo is among friends, whom he is still very protective of. About Yoruichi, I thought I had written clear enough that while he was training with her that he was making innuendo's the whole time.

was only vaguely implied at best. Even if you're going to use the basis of canon to allow you to move things along, when something actually does change, you need to write it as the totally new event it supposedly is.

When you go through and reread your work, one thing you should try to do is to ask yourself is, "Just with the words written here, what questions do I have for the author/plot if I were a reader?" It'll likely take you some practice since you, theoretically, know where it's all going and don't actually have questions, but if you can manage that your detail work will improve. What questions would you ask in a review (assuming you're that type)? What would what you've written make you think was going to happen? What scenes does it make you envision? What do you look forward to seeing happen, based on the clues the writer's given? Things like that. Detail Thorn, ever detail.

Thanks for the advice. I know detail is one of me weakest flaws in my writing. All while I was writing this chapter I was asking my self "What would he say?" "How would he react." And I do need to write scenes where new things happen and not just let my reader infer things. I guess thats just me kinda being lazy. I'll keep all of your guys points in mind as I write the chapter.

 

[mindpron]

It's t: but if you like detail you would love the wheel of time series by Robert Jordan.

Back ontopic. Generic if Yoruichi could be clothed while transforming it would ruin perfectly good potential hentai.

Incidentally, I happen to be a fanatical Robert Jordan fan. :snigger:

It amuses me when people bash his Wheel of Time series as being too slow, because those that do don't get that it is supposed to be slow. It isn't your common fantasy adventure story. The battle with the Dark One is actually secondary (maybe even tertiary) to the plot of story. It's an excuse. The real point of the series isn't the battle itself but rather how it is being fought and how the characters get there. Once you stop looking for the goals of the story, it opens up on a whole different level.

 

[immolo]

It's t: but if you like detail you would love the wheel of time series by Robert Jordan.

Back ontopic. Generic if Yoruichi could be clothed while transforming it would ruin perfectly good potential hentai.

Incidentally, I happen to be a fanatical Robert Jordan fan. :snigger:

It amuses me when people bash his Wheel of Time series as being too slow, because those that do don't get that it is supposed to be slow. It isn't your common fantasy adventure story. The battle with the Dark One is actually secondary (maybe even tertiary) to the plot of story. It's an excuse. The real point of the series isn't the battle itself but rather how it is being fought and how the characters get there. Once you stop looking for the goals of the story, it opens up on a whole different level.

It is also is my favorite book series of all time. I agree with everything you just stated. It is too bad the only two good Wheel of Time fanfiction stories were discontinued.

 

[mindpron]

It is also is my favorite book series of all time. I agree with everything you just stated. It is too bad the only two good Wheel of Time fanfiction stories were discontinued.

Unfortunately, the Wheel of Time is a kiss of death for reason. There aren't many authors capable of maintaining the intensely character-driven detail of the series.

incidently, do you have links?

 

[immolo]

It is also is my favorite book series of all time. I agree with everything you just stated. It is too bad the only two good Wheel of Time fanfiction stories were discontinued.

Unfortunately, the Wheel of Time is a kiss of death for reason. There aren't many authors capable of maintaining the intensely character-driven detail of the series.

incidently, do you have links?

Altered Destiny

and

Ambush Gone Wrong

 

[Thorn]

I did some editing to the story. Specifically I added more to the intro and worked on the Ichigo Hollow interaction/fight a little. I'll do some more when I get home.

 

[Genericrandom]

Getting there. What you've worked on is certainly much more engrossing.

You missed bolding one of Hollow Ichigo's comments during the fight.

Although I'm sure he'd still want to save Rukia, I think that kicking Byakuya's ass would also be an equal motivation for the 'new' Ichigo as well, so 'to save Rukia' is good but 'and to tear the stick out of that stiff's ass and shove it back down his throat.' seems more likely to me.

 

[perfect_solider]

hmm so will he be able to do the shinigami Bankai, and the Arrancar Release?

 

[zeebee1]

He already said so. Ichigo's transformation gives him the potential to do anything that either side can do. That includes the Arrancar's nifty ability to harden their skin to absurd degrees.

 

[Thorn]

Indeed he does retain both abilities, when either of them decide to show up, I won't say. I'll just say that the first guy Ichigo tears into isn't really gonna deserve all he gets.

 

[Ninsaneja]

I didn't get all of the stuff you claim to have intended just from reading the actual story bits, so let my voice be added to the "more detail" section. Also, don't take too long with the more detail, cause I wanna know what happens next.

 

[Thorn]

Can you be a little more specific? I'd like to know so maybe I can adjust.

 

[Thorn]

Re-edited the first chapter. Added some Yoruichi//Ichigo training.

 

[immolo]

Re-edited the first chapter. Added some Yoruichi//Ichigo training.

The chain that was on Ichigo is called a chain of fate and all souls have them.

 

[praeceps11]

Re-edited the first chapter. Added some Yoruichi//Ichigo training.

The chain that was on Ichigo is called a chain of fate and all souls have them.

Also Kisuke can't physically enter the Soul Society. Otherwise he would have gone with them.

 

[Bluedawn]

Curious since Ichigo wasnt fighting Kisuke, how is his sword fighting skills, I know he has the power and such but fighting someone without a sword is different I'm sure then fighting someone with a sword.

 

[Thorn]

Immolo: What are you referring to? I know it's called the chain of fate, but I couldn't see anywhere where I would've needed to actually call it that. If your referring to Kisuke's Soul Devourer, that was his own invention wasn't it? A device that ate through ones chain of fate? If there was an actual name for it, please let me know.

Praeceps: Is that actually mentioned in canon? I don't remember that. Also, I can't see a little detail like that actually keeping Kisuke out of SS.

Bluedawn:Ichigo's hollow, Shirosaki I think he's referred to as, had a natural mastery of Zangetsu, I'm using that.

 

[Christopher Robin]

The thing about Urahara not being able to enter SS comes from the fact that after he sends the group to SS, he touches the gate he created and it burns his hand.

 

[Thorn]

adjusted the part about Kisuke entering SS.

 

[immolo]

Immolo: What are you referring to? I know it's called the chain of fate, but I couldn't see anywhere where I would've needed to actually call it that. If your referring to Kisuke's Soul Devourer, that was his own invention wasn't it? A device that ate through ones chain of fate? If there was an actual name for it, please let me know.

Praeceps: Is that actually mentioned in canon? I don't remember that. Also, I can't see a little detail like that actually keeping Kisuke out of SS.

Bluedawn:Ichigo's hollow, Shirosaki I think he's referred to as, had a natural mastery of Zangetsu, I'm using that.

The thing that ate through the chain of fate was a natural reaction of the chain of fate from being cut. I justed watched episode 19 and 18 and could find no indication you were in anyway right. What site tricked you into believing that?

 

[Thorn]

:/ Thanks Immolo. I had asked my friend about it and he assured me that he had watched the episodes again and had confirmed it. I went back and fixed it.

 

[happerry]

This looks really good but I agree with Genericrandom about the

and to tear the stick out of that stiff's ass and shove it back down his throat

reasoning.

 

[Genericrandom]

I can't recall if it was a gas of some sort, or if there was an actual time distortion in the pit, but the Chain of Fate does not consume itself in 72 hours normally. Read the manga or watch the anime here, because Urahara actually did manipulate events somehow to get that effect.

 

[Genericrandom]

Fucking Internet Exploder.

Ignore the double post.

 

[immolo]

I can't recall if it was a gas of some sort, or if there was an actual time distortion in the pit, but the Chain of Fate does not consume itself in 72 hours normally. Read the manga or watch the anime here, because Urahara actually did manipulate events somehow to get that effect.

It was becuase the Chain was cut. Jinta even said that most people took less than 72 hours but that was the maximum.