Naruto Draft of "Looking Forwards, Seeing Backwards"
- Thread starter Fatuous One
- Start date
Nope. I know a lot of Japanese sweets (Umeboshi ugh!), and Pocky isn't what I'm thinking of. Here are a couple of pictures of the candy I'm thinking of. Picture 1, Picture 2.
Thanks for the beta-ing once again, BTW, I appreciate it. I'll look over it and edit my mistakes once I've got a bit of extra time.
And GH, you don't know what Pocky is?! :blink: Gimme a sec, I'll post a link...
Thanks for the beta-ing once again, BTW, I appreciate it. I'll look over it and edit my mistakes once I've got a bit of extra time.
And GH, you don't know what Pocky is?! :blink: Gimme a sec, I'll post a link...
Popular snack in Japan. Thin sticks (bread like? Cracker like? Um, I don't know what it is exactly) covered mostly in chocolate or vanilla with the ends left uncovered so that you could pick it up.
Here it is on Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocky
Here it is on Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocky
Heh, SimmyC beat me to it.
Yeah, Pocky is REALLY popular in Japan. It's basically like any and all brand name candy bars for the Japanese.
It also gets featured a lot in some anime, like Please Teacher for one.
Yeah, now if I can just recall what they're called... <_<
Yeah, Pocky is REALLY popular in Japan. It's basically like any and all brand name candy bars for the Japanese.
It also gets featured a lot in some anime, like Please Teacher for one.
Hmm. Whoa. Those popsicles look, quite interesting to say the least. Looks like cream covered bananas. 
Meh, now that I saw images, I realize that knew them, I just didn't know the name. They're never mentioned by name in manga, and in anime not hearing what people say kind of puts a dent on what I can know. Especially since most Italian anime have no closed caption.
...being deaf sucks.
...being deaf sucks.
Fatuous One said:
Actually, to be honest, they don't actually often get mentioned by name in anime (or manga). However, most of the time you'd look something up about an anime if you didn't know what it was. (Google: Japanese frosted candy stick? No wait, that doesn't work... :lol
Anyway, I'm off for the night. See ya tomorrow. If all goes well, I should have both Chapter 14 of my Naruto fic and the Prologue to my Ranma fic ready within 2 days. Perhaps even as early as tomorrow.
Nope, Hibibi is most definitely a pervert, especially by his kin's standards.
Hibibi: Mmm... that girl sure is hot...
Hibiko: What?! That's a human, you pervert! *Whack*
Funny thing is, I thought of having Hibibi mention that he was also used for certain 'endurance' exercises. However, I think that was getting a bit too raunchy, even for innuendos (I had planned/plan on releasing it onto FF.net and the like).
It might be amusing when Hinata learns the snake contract and gets hit on by Hibibi.
Any reason behind the obsession? Or is it just going to be a sort of funny gag?
BTW, if you didn't already know (or are just interested in me babbling ^_^), Anko and Naruto's obsession with their favorite food is just a bad pun. An(ko) is a red bean paste that is used to fill certain dango (Mitarashi is a syrup that is used similarly) and Naruto is a topping in ramen.
Hibibi: Mmm... that girl sure is hot...
Hibiko: What?! That's a human, you pervert! *Whack*
Funny thing is, I thought of having Hibibi mention that he was also used for certain 'endurance' exercises. However, I think that was getting a bit too raunchy, even for innuendos (I had planned/plan on releasing it onto FF.net and the like).
It might be amusing when Hinata learns the snake contract and gets hit on by Hibibi.
Any reason behind the obsession? Or is it just going to be a sort of funny gag?
BTW, if you didn't already know (or are just interested in me babbling ^_^), Anko and Naruto's obsession with their favorite food is just a bad pun. An(ko) is a red bean paste that is used to fill certain dango (Mitarashi is a syrup that is used similarly) and Naruto is a topping in ramen.
Finally edited another bit of the chapter. Although I left a couple of things in that Israfel said to change, one being the dango stand bit. While this is kinda accurate, the stand doesn't solely sell dango, and it's actually more of a snack-food as opposed to ramen, which actually counts as a meal. The other being a few "..."s, although I went and edited out a bunch of others that I thought it could easily do without.
Thanks Israfel. ^_^
Thanks Israfel. ^_^
No prob, I'll probably get around to doing the rest sometime before the weekend it's just that I've been so wrapped up in Shadiow Hearts and Megaten: Nocturne that I haven't even had the chance to get on much. But I'll make sure to get the last third or so done within the next coupla' days so be looking for that. :lol:
It has story reasons. Dorayaki are the only food Maki can cook without completely burning it, and it was taught to her by her late grandmother, whom she loved dearly.
There's another person who's obsessed with dorayaki... a childhood friend of Maki, who's taken a bad path following a tragedy that changed said person's life. Maki just might run into that person later on, during the Sasuke chase... (hint, hint!)
I should also point out that the dango pun is actually from Anko's last name. Mitarashi is a type of dango, named after the sauce used to add flavor to it.
There's another person who's obsessed with dorayaki... a childhood friend of Maki, who's taken a bad path following a tragedy that changed said person's life. Maki just might run into that person later on, during the Sasuke chase... (hint, hint!)
I should also point out that the dango pun is actually from Anko's last name. Mitarashi is a type of dango, named after the sauce used to add flavor to it.
Yah, it's a fairly overused pun to make the characters name relate to them in soem form or fashion, you'll find, if you look up the definitions for different characters names, that there names often have something in relation to them, to use one fo the most well known examples 'Shinji' means 'gaurdian' or 'retainer' (like those samurai who surved a shogun) and the word 'Nagisa' (Koaru's last name) means 'of the seashore' and Shinji met him at the shore of the lake caused by Rei's self destruct. Such things abound in anime and video games.
No rush, I'm not going to be releasing this anytime soon.
Heh, now who exactly is that person I wonder... ^_^
Errr... isn't that what I just said(typed)? Actually, her first name is based off a dango as well. The 'An' part of her name is also part of the An-Dango (because of the An(ko) bean paste. Although it's used in a few other things, An-Dango is supposedly the most popular flavor in Japan).
EDIT:
The Japanese love puns. I think the most famous mangaka for using puns as names is Toriyama (the creator of Dragonball [Z])
Heh, now who exactly is that person I wonder... ^_^
Errr... isn't that what I just said(typed)? Actually, her first name is based off a dango as well. The 'An' part of her name is also part of the An-Dango (because of the An(ko) bean paste. Although it's used in a few other things, An-Dango is supposedly the most popular flavor in Japan).
EDIT:
The Japanese love puns. I think the most famous mangaka for using puns as names is Toriyama (the creator of Dragonball [Z])
Take a wild guess.
Bean paste is the main ingredient of dorayaki too. XD
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorayaki
Here goes...
Bean paste is the main ingredient of dorayaki too. XD
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorayaki
Here goes...
Bean paste is the main ingredient of dorayaki too. XD
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorayaki
Here goes...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorayaki
Here goes...
I actually don't like mochi all that much, and I haven't tried many bean paste treats before.
Another candy the Japanese like is Umeboshi, damn is that thing sour, you can actually smell it.
Interesting fact: Most Japanese don't like Root Beer, as they say it tastes like medicine.
All right here's the last bit of my betaing of F-One's fic, I was almost done with it when the window closed for some reason so I've had to start all over, damn, so this might be a bit rushed, I fucking hate when this happens.
Before the sun even raised itself from its shadow (change this phrase to something more like æbefore the sun had even risen out of its shadow.Æ), a certain dark-haired special-jounin was awoken by the sounds of her blaring alarm. Quickly destroying the annoying piece of machinery, Anko rose from her bed like a ghost (Change æghostÆ to æzombieÆ or something of that ilk because ghost doesnÆt really work in this case.); she was most definitely not a morning person. It was speculated by her colleagues that she didnÆt completely wake up from a rest until she had feasted upon the flesh of at least three innocents. Said colleagues usually didnÆt say anything like that again, especially around her at morning time, unless they felt like they were innocent enough for such a ritual sacrifice. (Change the last line of this sentence to something like this æunless they felt that they were innocent enough to be used in said sacrifice.)
In actuality, Anko didnÆt feel completely awake until she had devoured four innocents, innocent dango that is.
Blinking blearily (Change æblearilyÆ to æwearilyÆ because having two æbÆ words one after the other makes it sound strange.), Anko opened her refrigerator and wiped (Should be æwhippedÆ not æwipedÆ.) out a stick of cold rice cake dumplings. While others might not have eaten any cold dango, especially dango leftover (from) a dango-fest she had taken upon herself a weekÆs time ago (Change ætaken upon herselfÆ to æparticipated inÆ or just rephrase it entirely because it really doesnÆt work the way it is). But Anko, be it (through) stupidity or just a fanatical wanting of the desert, swiftly chomped down the round treats. Quickly chugging some milk, Anko bounded out of her apartment at top speeds towards the Hokage tower.
She had a plan! A plan that would, hopefully, relieve her of her all present boredom.
It had struck her during her walk home after her training session with the Hyuuga girl. Actually, that was (Change æwasÆ to wasnÆt.Æ) it exactly, it hadnÆt really been a spar as she had first identified it as, it was her training the girl. Training, and Anko after reflecting on the evening, had realized that she had a lot of fun doing it. That had brought a shock. Her, Anko Mitarashi (In Japanese society the last name is put first and then the first name so it should be æMitarashi AnkoÆ not the other way around.), had enjoying (Change æenjoyingÆ to æenjoyedÆ.) training a little brat. It was amusing because she had turned down countless offers of becoming a jounin instructor. It was a fairly simple way for one to get out the æspecialÆ category of the jounin, simply trained a team of genin and you could get a fairly easy to be promoted a class. (Change this entire last sentence to this or something like it æsimply train a team of genin and you could get a fairly easy promotion to jounin.). Of course, Anko hated all the little bastards; she had actually only taken part of various chuunin exams because she liked watching them die bloody deaths.
Now here she was, on her way towards the instructor for Hinata to get Kurenai to pass the girl off to her.
Anko shook her head, bemused. Well, it was an easy way to get her mind off things like the lack of missions at her disposal. Actually, with an apprentice, sheÆd be able to pass under the radar of those pissy bastards on the council and get missions. Granted, they would be lower level missions then she would have liked, mostly C, maybe a B mission if she was lucky. The reason behind this was because she wouldnÆt actually be getting one for herself, but rather for her æteamÆ. Ninja could not take any vacation time while a team was under their control. There were several reasons for this rule, one was that it was just good common sense for a team to stick together. Another was that there had been multiple mishaps because some idiot shinobi had tried taking their off time and had left their team at a major disadvantage, which more often then not resulted in the deaths of many ninja.
The only way for the council would be able to stop her activities would be to directly remove her form active duty (Take out the word æforÆ and change æformÆ to æfromÆ.). But that would likely cause the whole situation to be brought under a lot of unwanted attention, and Anko knew that the old bastards wanted to keep their damn prejudices hidden.
In other words, it was the perfect plan. Well, so long as she could get HinataÆs instructor to agree, but Anko had a few cards up her sleeve in case Kurenai wasnÆt cooperative.
ôYuuhi!ö Anko finally found the jounin. She knew that she was quite lucky in this regard, practically all the ninja in Konoha were constantly getting long term missions, æbesides meÆ Anko thought bitterly, so it was quite difficult to get a chance to talk to any specific shinobi.
ôMitarashi?ö The red-eyed woman blinked slightly as she halted and glanced at Anko. ôIs there something you need, I just got back from a three-day mission, and I need to give my report.ö KurenaiÆs voice was laced with fatigue and irritation, æPerfectÆ thought Anko sinisterly.
ôMmmàö Anko tilted her head and placed a finger on her cheek, ôYesà there was something I needed to ask you,ö Anko leaned forward in a gossipy way, ôIÆd rather it be private though.ö WouldnÆt want anyone to interrupt. Kurenai nodded warily, and both she and Anko moved into a currently unused office.
ôWell,ö The genjutsu specialist paused, ôWhat is it?ö Anko took a moment to sniff the air; a faint odor was coming from the other woman, likely, she hadnÆt had time to clean herself in the past three days.
ôMmmàö Anko took a moment to gather her thoughts. How to get to the subjectà Well, subtly was never AnkoÆs strong suit soà ôI want Hinata.ö The statement was so out of nowhere that Kurenai simply blinked for a few seconds. ôWhat?ö Her tone was utterly confused. ôI said I want Hinata. As in as my genin.ö AnkoÆs bluntness caught Kurenai completely off guard. ôWhatà whyà? What are you talking about?ö
Sighing, Anko leaned against the wall. ôIÆveà taken an interest in the Hyuuga, I want to take herà under my wing, as it were.ö Anko paused to let this sink in a bit more. ôIÆve noticed that you havenÆt really be able to give your team all the attention it needs.ö Actually, Anko was just guessing on this one, but it was a fair assumption. ôSo, when I saw that the girl wasnÆt really getting much done without an instructor, I figured IÆd take her off your hands.ö
Kurenai had her brows furrowed in thought; obviously she didnÆt have the time anymore to give her team the proper guidance it needed. That was true, butà ôWhy now? Why Hinata?ö The question was expected, but Anko still paused in thought. ô...SheÆs gotà spunk.ö Half-truths were nice. ôShe has a tenacity thatÆs quiteà interesting.ö Yes, not the whole reason, but part of it.
Kurenai said nothing for a few minutes, her overtaxed mind going into overdrive as it weighed the pros and cons of the situation. Anko was starting to grow slightly nervous, would she just accept it at that, or would she need to keep badgering her?
ôAlrightàö Anko held back a sigh of relief, ôBut only if you take my whole team.ö Anko bit back a curse. She only wanted Hinata, an apprentice, not a whole friggÆin team of idiots.
ôNo.ö KurenaiÆs surprised look was a treat, ôI only want Hinata.ö Anko wasnÆt going to back down on this, and she had spent some of the night thinking up reasons for it.
ôButàö Anko cut off the red-eyed jounin. ôBoth Kiba Inuzuka and Shino Aburame are already being instructed in their family styles, by their families.ö Anko looked away, to make an image of disgruntlement. ôHinataÆs family isnÆt giving her any such training, her father is too busy with her cousin and sister. And as her instructor is far too busy with high ranked missions, sheÆs pretty much the only one of her team with nothing to do.ö Anko could easily see that her argument was swaying Kurenai towards her side, only a matter of persistence now. ôWith that in mind, I think that HinataÆs potential is definitely being wasted as it is.ö AnkoÆs words caused Kurenai to jerk slightly and Anko blinked slightly, that wasnÆt the reaction that she had been expecting.
ôAlright,ö This time Anko was the one caught off guard, Kurenai caving so quickly was quite strange. ôIÆll place Hinata as your subordinate under the condition that you do your very best to bring out HinataÆs potential.ö Ah, that was it; even Kurenai had started to doubt that her Hyuuga genin would be able to get passed her handicaps. When your own hope is waning, but you still care about the student, why wouldnÆt you want to pass them to a more interested teacher?
ôI was going to do that anyway,ö said Anko with a dismissive air, ôYou donÆt need to worry.ö Damn, victory tasted sweet indeed, almost as good as dango. Not quite of course, but still pretty close.
After a brief farewell and assurance that she would take care of the documentation, Anko left the stinky woman and sashayed towards the assignment office.
æHey, if I do this quickly, I may be able to grab a few bites of dango before my meeting time with Hinata.Æ Thought Anko with a blissful sigh, things were looking quite bright today indeed.
(This section was perfect and thus needs no correction though you might want to flesh out the Anko/Kurenai scene a bit more as it felt a little clipped but other than that I would say itÆs great.)
---
Dawn had just arrived in the village hidden within the leaves when Hinata awoke from her deep, and restful slumber (Change æwithinÆ to æinÆ and take out the comma in the latter half of the sentence,.). Her white eyes, so revered among ninjas, flickered open, focusing on the darkness of her room.
Quickly removing herself from the mattress, the heiress slipped out of her sleepwear and pulled on her shinobi clothing. After a nervous glance at the mirror within the darkened bedroom, Hinata began to leave the compound of the Hyuuga estate (This last phrase is very awkward and you should either rephrase entirely or change it to æHinata began her trek out of the Hyuuga compound.Æ). While it was normal to eat breakfast with the rest the head family, Hinata was far too nervous to eat anything before her training.
Mitarashi-san had offered to help the heiress, and Hinata was glad for any help that she could get. She didnÆt want to burden her teammates, who were getting training from their families, or her sensei, who was very busy with the high level missions from Konoha, but she also wanted to become stronger. However, if she truly wanted to grow, she couldnÆt do it alone. She needed some sort of guidance in her training, someone who could point out all her mistakes and help her rise above them.
Hunching slightly, Hinata buried herself in her bulky jacket before walking out of her home. She had a bit of time before she was supposed to meet the special-jounin, and she hoped that a walk might calm her nerves.
Gazing at the falling sakura blossoms, HinataÆs thoughts were idly brought to her crushÆs crush: Sakura Haruno (Once again last name fist, so change it to æHaruno Sakura.Æ). From what Hinata heard, the girl had been apprenticed to the Fifth herself, and was training intensively, Hinata envied her. She had focus, she had determination, and she had Naruto. Flushing slightly, Hinata shook away the nasty feelings that sprang up from that train of thought.
While she did envy the girl, she also had a bit of admiration for her. While Hinata hadnÆt been all that impressed with her performance during the chuunin exam, she had little room to talk, and Hinata could easily see that she was improving herself at a rapid rate if one of the great three would train her personally.
Sighing depressingly (This phrase sounds strange but for the life of me I canÆt think of how you could rephrase it to make it sound better so either figure out how to rephrase it or just drop it entirely.), Hinata bleakly thought about her own prospects for teachers. While Kurenai-sensei was an excellent teacher, she had little experience in training someone whose style was completely based around a doujutsu/taijutsu mixture, as Kurenai was a genjutsu specialist. Her father had pretty much given up any hope for her when her younger sister Hanabi had defeated her in several short spars. It wasnÆt that Hanabi was a genius similar to Neji, but she was more determined then Hinata. She didnÆt hesitant before a blow, didnÆt flinch when she was struck. She was simply more of a fighter then Hinata.
Hinata noticed idly that she was almost to the training ground, something that came far too quickly for her liking. Hinata held back a sigh when she saw Anko standing in the middle of the area.
æIÆm probably late,Æ Hinata bemoaned silently, æI donÆt really want to find out what Mitarashi-san is like when sheÆs angry.Æ
~(NEW TEXT)~
ôGood morning!ö The bright greeting caused the great weight on her shoulders to lessen (You should add the word æslightly after this because it just sounds better.); she might not be in trouble. ôG-good morning.ö Hinata timidly replied to her sparring partner as she halted a short distance away from her.
ôHere,ö Anko chucked an object at Hinata, which she barely managed to catch. ôWhatÆs this?ö The heiressÆ voice was laced with curiosity as she examined the item û a scroll. ôItÆs a reassignment form. If you sign it, youÆll officially be my student.ö AnkoÆs voice was completely even, not giving away the slightest bit of emotion.
ôWha!?ö Hinata look (Change ælookÆ to ælooked.Æ) at the special-jounin in shock. ôWhatà butà?ö The black-haired genin paused, collecting her wits, before glancing at Anko seriously. ôWhat about my team? Kurenai-sensei, Kiba-ku-ô Anko cut Hinata off as a panicked expression began to set in. ôAll taken care of. I saw Yuuhi a little over an hour ago and she allowed me to take you off her team roster. Both Inuzuka and Shino Aburame are being busy being trained by their families. And if you sign that scroll, I can send it through the system and all the paperwork will be complete in a matter of hours.ö
ôKurenai-sensei didà?ö Hinata felt like some had punched her in the gut. Even Kurenai, who had encouraged her so much, was losing interest in her. At times like these, Hinata felt smaller then ever, like an insect. Only, even lower, since Shino had shown how powerful insects could be. How pitiful, weaker then a bugà
ôHey!ö AnkoÆs sharp bark startled Hinata out of her looming depression. ôShe was really reluctant about it at first, but I was able to convince her. It has nothing to do with whether or not she wanted you on her team.ö Anko paused at the half-truth, ôShe simply doesnÆt have time anymore with Konoha in its current situation. So, with me all eager to teach you, and Yuuhi wanting to have you proper trained, I donÆt think it was that hard of a choice, eh?ö Anko grinned at her slight omission.
The words seemed to be getting through to the Hyuuga, but Hinata frowned as some of the dango-obsessed special-jouninÆs words caught up with her. ôYouà. want to teach me?ö For the first time since Hinata knew the bloodthirsty woman, she looked slightly uncomfortable. ôWell, yeah.ö Anko stopped, delaying by scratching her nose. ôI mean, itÆs beenà an interesting experience, teaching you and such.ö Hinata looked uneasy at the other womanÆs words.
ôButà why?ö The heiress licked her suddenly dry lips. ôYouÆre soàö Hinata struggled for the appropriate words. However, after a few moments of silence, Anko spoke up. ôWhat? IÆmà funny, amazingly sociable, stunningly gorgeous and utterly deadlyà Yes, I know, thanks.ö Hinata pouted slightly as the jounin let out a small laugh.
ôNo! ThatÆs not what I mea-ö The Hyuuga girl stopped, suddenly realizing how her words sounded. ôIà I mean, thatÆs notà I mean you are, butàö Anko waved off HinataÆs panicked stammers as she grinned at the genin. ôI know what you meant. However, a better question might be: Why not?ö
ôIàö Hinata frowned, and then looked at the woman opposite of her strangely. ôIÆmà weak. YouÆre strong, why would you want to teach somebody like me?ö The heiress ducked her head as her own words battered at her frail ego.
ôHinata,ö AnkoÆs tone caused the genin to look up again. ôNo one is born strong. No one is strong at first; I certainly wasnÆt very good when I was your age. Even the gods and demons so feared in this world were once weak, with no power greater then any mortal child (Take ænoÆ out of this and put it slightly later in the sentence so it comes out as æWith power no greater than any mortal child.).ö Hinata stared at Anko, her pale-white eyes wide in wonder.
ôHinata,ö Anko walked over the girl and hunched so that she was level with her. ôI promise, if you become my apprentice, even if I put you through hell to do so, IÆll make you strong.ö AnkoÆs voice was soft, but commanding, and her words resonated deeply in Hinata (Change æinÆ to æwithin.Æ). At that moment, the Hyuuga heiress would have done anything that the other woman may have asked of her without question.
Never, not in her entire life, had anybody told Hinata anything like that with such certainty. Her world was encompassed by such words as æsuch is expected from a Hyuuga heirÆ or æif you work hard enough for it, you can achieve anything.Æ And when those never worked, her betters just seemed to give her up for a failure. She had only dreamed of possibilities in which she would become stronger, and could only look on in envy towards those who had such power at within their grasp. (Take æatÆ out of this sentence.)
To have someone tell her that she would become stronger, without any question of failureà
Hinata unrolled the scroll and didnÆt hesitant as she wet her fingers in ink, and then signed her name.
Tentatively, not quite shyly, Hinata smiled at her new teacher. (The ænot quite shylyÆ bit, while highlighting the slight change we are seeing in Hinata already, comes out awkwardly and so should most likely be rephrased.)
Oddly, when Anko returned it with her own frightening grin, Hinata wasnÆt the least bit scared of it.
Hyne betaing is exhausting, well here it is, done. Hope I've been of some help F-One.
Before the sun even raised itself from its shadow (change this phrase to something more like æbefore the sun had even risen out of its shadow.Æ), a certain dark-haired special-jounin was awoken by the sounds of her blaring alarm. Quickly destroying the annoying piece of machinery, Anko rose from her bed like a ghost (Change æghostÆ to æzombieÆ or something of that ilk because ghost doesnÆt really work in this case.); she was most definitely not a morning person. It was speculated by her colleagues that she didnÆt completely wake up from a rest until she had feasted upon the flesh of at least three innocents. Said colleagues usually didnÆt say anything like that again, especially around her at morning time, unless they felt like they were innocent enough for such a ritual sacrifice. (Change the last line of this sentence to something like this æunless they felt that they were innocent enough to be used in said sacrifice.)
In actuality, Anko didnÆt feel completely awake until she had devoured four innocents, innocent dango that is.
Blinking blearily (Change æblearilyÆ to æwearilyÆ because having two æbÆ words one after the other makes it sound strange.), Anko opened her refrigerator and wiped (Should be æwhippedÆ not æwipedÆ.) out a stick of cold rice cake dumplings. While others might not have eaten any cold dango, especially dango leftover (from) a dango-fest she had taken upon herself a weekÆs time ago (Change ætaken upon herselfÆ to æparticipated inÆ or just rephrase it entirely because it really doesnÆt work the way it is). But Anko, be it (through) stupidity or just a fanatical wanting of the desert, swiftly chomped down the round treats. Quickly chugging some milk, Anko bounded out of her apartment at top speeds towards the Hokage tower.
She had a plan! A plan that would, hopefully, relieve her of her all present boredom.
It had struck her during her walk home after her training session with the Hyuuga girl. Actually, that was (Change æwasÆ to wasnÆt.Æ) it exactly, it hadnÆt really been a spar as she had first identified it as, it was her training the girl. Training, and Anko after reflecting on the evening, had realized that she had a lot of fun doing it. That had brought a shock. Her, Anko Mitarashi (In Japanese society the last name is put first and then the first name so it should be æMitarashi AnkoÆ not the other way around.), had enjoying (Change æenjoyingÆ to æenjoyedÆ.) training a little brat. It was amusing because she had turned down countless offers of becoming a jounin instructor. It was a fairly simple way for one to get out the æspecialÆ category of the jounin, simply trained a team of genin and you could get a fairly easy to be promoted a class. (Change this entire last sentence to this or something like it æsimply train a team of genin and you could get a fairly easy promotion to jounin.). Of course, Anko hated all the little bastards; she had actually only taken part of various chuunin exams because she liked watching them die bloody deaths.
Now here she was, on her way towards the instructor for Hinata to get Kurenai to pass the girl off to her.
Anko shook her head, bemused. Well, it was an easy way to get her mind off things like the lack of missions at her disposal. Actually, with an apprentice, sheÆd be able to pass under the radar of those pissy bastards on the council and get missions. Granted, they would be lower level missions then she would have liked, mostly C, maybe a B mission if she was lucky. The reason behind this was because she wouldnÆt actually be getting one for herself, but rather for her æteamÆ. Ninja could not take any vacation time while a team was under their control. There were several reasons for this rule, one was that it was just good common sense for a team to stick together. Another was that there had been multiple mishaps because some idiot shinobi had tried taking their off time and had left their team at a major disadvantage, which more often then not resulted in the deaths of many ninja.
The only way for the council would be able to stop her activities would be to directly remove her form active duty (Take out the word æforÆ and change æformÆ to æfromÆ.). But that would likely cause the whole situation to be brought under a lot of unwanted attention, and Anko knew that the old bastards wanted to keep their damn prejudices hidden.
In other words, it was the perfect plan. Well, so long as she could get HinataÆs instructor to agree, but Anko had a few cards up her sleeve in case Kurenai wasnÆt cooperative.
ôYuuhi!ö Anko finally found the jounin. She knew that she was quite lucky in this regard, practically all the ninja in Konoha were constantly getting long term missions, æbesides meÆ Anko thought bitterly, so it was quite difficult to get a chance to talk to any specific shinobi.
ôMitarashi?ö The red-eyed woman blinked slightly as she halted and glanced at Anko. ôIs there something you need, I just got back from a three-day mission, and I need to give my report.ö KurenaiÆs voice was laced with fatigue and irritation, æPerfectÆ thought Anko sinisterly.
ôMmmàö Anko tilted her head and placed a finger on her cheek, ôYesà there was something I needed to ask you,ö Anko leaned forward in a gossipy way, ôIÆd rather it be private though.ö WouldnÆt want anyone to interrupt. Kurenai nodded warily, and both she and Anko moved into a currently unused office.
ôWell,ö The genjutsu specialist paused, ôWhat is it?ö Anko took a moment to sniff the air; a faint odor was coming from the other woman, likely, she hadnÆt had time to clean herself in the past three days.
ôMmmàö Anko took a moment to gather her thoughts. How to get to the subjectà Well, subtly was never AnkoÆs strong suit soà ôI want Hinata.ö The statement was so out of nowhere that Kurenai simply blinked for a few seconds. ôWhat?ö Her tone was utterly confused. ôI said I want Hinata. As in as my genin.ö AnkoÆs bluntness caught Kurenai completely off guard. ôWhatà whyà? What are you talking about?ö
Sighing, Anko leaned against the wall. ôIÆveà taken an interest in the Hyuuga, I want to take herà under my wing, as it were.ö Anko paused to let this sink in a bit more. ôIÆve noticed that you havenÆt really be able to give your team all the attention it needs.ö Actually, Anko was just guessing on this one, but it was a fair assumption. ôSo, when I saw that the girl wasnÆt really getting much done without an instructor, I figured IÆd take her off your hands.ö
Kurenai had her brows furrowed in thought; obviously she didnÆt have the time anymore to give her team the proper guidance it needed. That was true, butà ôWhy now? Why Hinata?ö The question was expected, but Anko still paused in thought. ô...SheÆs gotà spunk.ö Half-truths were nice. ôShe has a tenacity thatÆs quiteà interesting.ö Yes, not the whole reason, but part of it.
Kurenai said nothing for a few minutes, her overtaxed mind going into overdrive as it weighed the pros and cons of the situation. Anko was starting to grow slightly nervous, would she just accept it at that, or would she need to keep badgering her?
ôAlrightàö Anko held back a sigh of relief, ôBut only if you take my whole team.ö Anko bit back a curse. She only wanted Hinata, an apprentice, not a whole friggÆin team of idiots.
ôNo.ö KurenaiÆs surprised look was a treat, ôI only want Hinata.ö Anko wasnÆt going to back down on this, and she had spent some of the night thinking up reasons for it.
ôButàö Anko cut off the red-eyed jounin. ôBoth Kiba Inuzuka and Shino Aburame are already being instructed in their family styles, by their families.ö Anko looked away, to make an image of disgruntlement. ôHinataÆs family isnÆt giving her any such training, her father is too busy with her cousin and sister. And as her instructor is far too busy with high ranked missions, sheÆs pretty much the only one of her team with nothing to do.ö Anko could easily see that her argument was swaying Kurenai towards her side, only a matter of persistence now. ôWith that in mind, I think that HinataÆs potential is definitely being wasted as it is.ö AnkoÆs words caused Kurenai to jerk slightly and Anko blinked slightly, that wasnÆt the reaction that she had been expecting.
ôAlright,ö This time Anko was the one caught off guard, Kurenai caving so quickly was quite strange. ôIÆll place Hinata as your subordinate under the condition that you do your very best to bring out HinataÆs potential.ö Ah, that was it; even Kurenai had started to doubt that her Hyuuga genin would be able to get passed her handicaps. When your own hope is waning, but you still care about the student, why wouldnÆt you want to pass them to a more interested teacher?
ôI was going to do that anyway,ö said Anko with a dismissive air, ôYou donÆt need to worry.ö Damn, victory tasted sweet indeed, almost as good as dango. Not quite of course, but still pretty close.
After a brief farewell and assurance that she would take care of the documentation, Anko left the stinky woman and sashayed towards the assignment office.
æHey, if I do this quickly, I may be able to grab a few bites of dango before my meeting time with Hinata.Æ Thought Anko with a blissful sigh, things were looking quite bright today indeed.
(This section was perfect and thus needs no correction though you might want to flesh out the Anko/Kurenai scene a bit more as it felt a little clipped but other than that I would say itÆs great.)
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Dawn had just arrived in the village hidden within the leaves when Hinata awoke from her deep, and restful slumber (Change æwithinÆ to æinÆ and take out the comma in the latter half of the sentence,.). Her white eyes, so revered among ninjas, flickered open, focusing on the darkness of her room.
Quickly removing herself from the mattress, the heiress slipped out of her sleepwear and pulled on her shinobi clothing. After a nervous glance at the mirror within the darkened bedroom, Hinata began to leave the compound of the Hyuuga estate (This last phrase is very awkward and you should either rephrase entirely or change it to æHinata began her trek out of the Hyuuga compound.Æ). While it was normal to eat breakfast with the rest the head family, Hinata was far too nervous to eat anything before her training.
Mitarashi-san had offered to help the heiress, and Hinata was glad for any help that she could get. She didnÆt want to burden her teammates, who were getting training from their families, or her sensei, who was very busy with the high level missions from Konoha, but she also wanted to become stronger. However, if she truly wanted to grow, she couldnÆt do it alone. She needed some sort of guidance in her training, someone who could point out all her mistakes and help her rise above them.
Hunching slightly, Hinata buried herself in her bulky jacket before walking out of her home. She had a bit of time before she was supposed to meet the special-jounin, and she hoped that a walk might calm her nerves.
Gazing at the falling sakura blossoms, HinataÆs thoughts were idly brought to her crushÆs crush: Sakura Haruno (Once again last name fist, so change it to æHaruno Sakura.Æ). From what Hinata heard, the girl had been apprenticed to the Fifth herself, and was training intensively, Hinata envied her. She had focus, she had determination, and she had Naruto. Flushing slightly, Hinata shook away the nasty feelings that sprang up from that train of thought.
While she did envy the girl, she also had a bit of admiration for her. While Hinata hadnÆt been all that impressed with her performance during the chuunin exam, she had little room to talk, and Hinata could easily see that she was improving herself at a rapid rate if one of the great three would train her personally.
Sighing depressingly (This phrase sounds strange but for the life of me I canÆt think of how you could rephrase it to make it sound better so either figure out how to rephrase it or just drop it entirely.), Hinata bleakly thought about her own prospects for teachers. While Kurenai-sensei was an excellent teacher, she had little experience in training someone whose style was completely based around a doujutsu/taijutsu mixture, as Kurenai was a genjutsu specialist. Her father had pretty much given up any hope for her when her younger sister Hanabi had defeated her in several short spars. It wasnÆt that Hanabi was a genius similar to Neji, but she was more determined then Hinata. She didnÆt hesitant before a blow, didnÆt flinch when she was struck. She was simply more of a fighter then Hinata.
Hinata noticed idly that she was almost to the training ground, something that came far too quickly for her liking. Hinata held back a sigh when she saw Anko standing in the middle of the area.
æIÆm probably late,Æ Hinata bemoaned silently, æI donÆt really want to find out what Mitarashi-san is like when sheÆs angry.Æ
~(NEW TEXT)~
ôGood morning!ö The bright greeting caused the great weight on her shoulders to lessen (You should add the word æslightly after this because it just sounds better.); she might not be in trouble. ôG-good morning.ö Hinata timidly replied to her sparring partner as she halted a short distance away from her.
ôHere,ö Anko chucked an object at Hinata, which she barely managed to catch. ôWhatÆs this?ö The heiressÆ voice was laced with curiosity as she examined the item û a scroll. ôItÆs a reassignment form. If you sign it, youÆll officially be my student.ö AnkoÆs voice was completely even, not giving away the slightest bit of emotion.
ôWha!?ö Hinata look (Change ælookÆ to ælooked.Æ) at the special-jounin in shock. ôWhatà butà?ö The black-haired genin paused, collecting her wits, before glancing at Anko seriously. ôWhat about my team? Kurenai-sensei, Kiba-ku-ô Anko cut Hinata off as a panicked expression began to set in. ôAll taken care of. I saw Yuuhi a little over an hour ago and she allowed me to take you off her team roster. Both Inuzuka and Shino Aburame are being busy being trained by their families. And if you sign that scroll, I can send it through the system and all the paperwork will be complete in a matter of hours.ö
ôKurenai-sensei didà?ö Hinata felt like some had punched her in the gut. Even Kurenai, who had encouraged her so much, was losing interest in her. At times like these, Hinata felt smaller then ever, like an insect. Only, even lower, since Shino had shown how powerful insects could be. How pitiful, weaker then a bugà
ôHey!ö AnkoÆs sharp bark startled Hinata out of her looming depression. ôShe was really reluctant about it at first, but I was able to convince her. It has nothing to do with whether or not she wanted you on her team.ö Anko paused at the half-truth, ôShe simply doesnÆt have time anymore with Konoha in its current situation. So, with me all eager to teach you, and Yuuhi wanting to have you proper trained, I donÆt think it was that hard of a choice, eh?ö Anko grinned at her slight omission.
The words seemed to be getting through to the Hyuuga, but Hinata frowned as some of the dango-obsessed special-jouninÆs words caught up with her. ôYouà. want to teach me?ö For the first time since Hinata knew the bloodthirsty woman, she looked slightly uncomfortable. ôWell, yeah.ö Anko stopped, delaying by scratching her nose. ôI mean, itÆs beenà an interesting experience, teaching you and such.ö Hinata looked uneasy at the other womanÆs words.
ôButà why?ö The heiress licked her suddenly dry lips. ôYouÆre soàö Hinata struggled for the appropriate words. However, after a few moments of silence, Anko spoke up. ôWhat? IÆmà funny, amazingly sociable, stunningly gorgeous and utterly deadlyà Yes, I know, thanks.ö Hinata pouted slightly as the jounin let out a small laugh.
ôNo! ThatÆs not what I mea-ö The Hyuuga girl stopped, suddenly realizing how her words sounded. ôIà I mean, thatÆs notà I mean you are, butàö Anko waved off HinataÆs panicked stammers as she grinned at the genin. ôI know what you meant. However, a better question might be: Why not?ö
ôIàö Hinata frowned, and then looked at the woman opposite of her strangely. ôIÆmà weak. YouÆre strong, why would you want to teach somebody like me?ö The heiress ducked her head as her own words battered at her frail ego.
ôHinata,ö AnkoÆs tone caused the genin to look up again. ôNo one is born strong. No one is strong at first; I certainly wasnÆt very good when I was your age. Even the gods and demons so feared in this world were once weak, with no power greater then any mortal child (Take ænoÆ out of this and put it slightly later in the sentence so it comes out as æWith power no greater than any mortal child.).ö Hinata stared at Anko, her pale-white eyes wide in wonder.
ôHinata,ö Anko walked over the girl and hunched so that she was level with her. ôI promise, if you become my apprentice, even if I put you through hell to do so, IÆll make you strong.ö AnkoÆs voice was soft, but commanding, and her words resonated deeply in Hinata (Change æinÆ to æwithin.Æ). At that moment, the Hyuuga heiress would have done anything that the other woman may have asked of her without question.
Never, not in her entire life, had anybody told Hinata anything like that with such certainty. Her world was encompassed by such words as æsuch is expected from a Hyuuga heirÆ or æif you work hard enough for it, you can achieve anything.Æ And when those never worked, her betters just seemed to give her up for a failure. She had only dreamed of possibilities in which she would become stronger, and could only look on in envy towards those who had such power at within their grasp. (Take æatÆ out of this sentence.)
To have someone tell her that she would become stronger, without any question of failureà
Hinata unrolled the scroll and didnÆt hesitant as she wet her fingers in ink, and then signed her name.
Tentatively, not quite shyly, Hinata smiled at her new teacher. (The ænot quite shylyÆ bit, while highlighting the slight change we are seeing in Hinata already, comes out awkwardly and so should most likely be rephrased.)
Oddly, when Anko returned it with her own frightening grin, Hinata wasnÆt the least bit scared of it.
Hyne betaing is exhausting, well here it is, done. Hope I've been of some help F-One.
Ahh, wonderful. Thanks guys.
The beta-ing is infinitely helpful, so I can't tell you how happy I am with this. ^_^
Added on to that, my weeklong torrent finally finished today, AND I just got Disgaea in the mail. Today's look up... ^_^
Of course, I'm going to be too busy playing video games to do run be editing my fic, but I'm quite happy, danke.
Oh, and Izzy, I know exactly how you feel, and so do many others. Whenever something like that happens to me, I usually think of this video. Very amusing to me, and helps lighten my spirits.
The beta-ing is infinitely helpful, so I can't tell you how happy I am with this. ^_^
Added on to that, my weeklong torrent finally finished today, AND I just got Disgaea in the mail. Today's look up... ^_^
Of course, I'm going to be too busy playing video games to do run be editing my fic, but I'm quite happy, danke.
Oh, and Izzy, I know exactly how you feel, and so do many others. Whenever something like that happens to me, I usually think of this video. Very amusing to me, and helps lighten my spirits.