Iron Fic 2-2

S

Shaderic

Well-Known Member
#26
#26
Grunt said:
Games from Beyond

I blame...uh....someone for this....yeah..someone else....cornuthaum for example. :snigger:
Click to expand...
Judging in progress...
... What. The. Fuck.

As someone else already said, this looks like the final chapter of something god-damn epic.

Fucking Epic.

Nice use of theme, no errors, draws you in like some one with a leash.

My only complaint is that this feels like you're leaving utterly massive things out. Who is the Hierophant? What is his organization? Or rather, I suppose the answer in those includes a 'was'.

97/100.
 
K

Kayeich

Well-Known Member
#27
#27
I figured I might lose points for that, but I wanted to see how well I could convey the situation without clarifying who the characters were until the end (even though it'd be obvious to anyone familiar with the series), and without really presenting the background to the story in detail.

To clarify, though, at the end of the End of Evangelion movie, Shinji loses faith in humanity after seeing Asuka/Eva-02 ravaged to pieces by the mass production series of Evas, and he triggers third impact with the fused Lilith/Rei.

Third Impact results in....Everyone exploding into LCL, aka the amber colored goo.

The end of the movie ends with just Shinji and Asuka alone on a beach in an otherwise apocalyptic setting, apparently both returned from the sea of LCL (although it's possible to interpret that they never did get absorbed, but I went with the return assumption).

Shinji attempts to deal with the world that he essentially created from the remnants of the old world, and he cracks and essentially ends up triggering a Fourth Impact.
 
S

Shaderic

Well-Known Member
#28
#28
Rooster455 said:
Skies over Gracemaria
Click to expand...
Proceeding with Judging...

Not bad, Rooster. No errors, but what we're lacking here, is a lack of draw. This is good work, but I reccomend adding in some more character details. Right now, they feel like a mook flight. More names, than people.

Also, the connection between the pilots feels pretty weak too.

Then there's the theme. The actual game fits this pretty well, but your deviation... Well, I won't say it's a bad idea, but it feels kind of strapped on. Somehow.

SCORE
80/100
 
S

Shaderic

Well-Known Member
#32
#32
Ah, by confused I mean I had almost NO idea what was going on. I consider myself good at stringing together facts, but I didn't have a solid grasp on what was happening until the end. Still, it was good work. I think it's more a total lack of familiarity with the base subject threw me for a loop.
 
R

Rooster455

Well-Known Member
#36
#36
Yo, Left Shoe. You only put one score up, mano. Mind putting up the rest for us?
 
T

twin blade

Well-Known Member
#39
#39
...Wait, we're allowed to explain the story and its connection to the prompt/theme?
 
L

Left Shoe

Well-Known Member
#42
#42
@twin blade - For the record, I saved everybody's stories to my desktop right after the deadline, to prevent anyone from going back and changing stuff. Still, if the original draft included a couple notes at the end, then that should be allowed IMO. (No rules against it, yet.)

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"Wills" by twin blade

Readability: 19
Use of the theme: 16
Use of details: 10
Story/Plot: 15
Other/personal opinion (general): 14

Total: 74

Spoiler comments: This guy is not generic - he doesn't want sex. Ok. ... but why? We don't learn anything else about him, his roommate, or the succubus. Not a location, not a reference point in time, not even their names.

Also, section 5 (getting out of the hospital) was confusing to me. Who is who, and what exactly is happening there? Why? This part was unclear.

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"Wave good night, wave good bye" by Kayeich

Readability: 17
Use of the theme: 12
Use of details: 15
Story/Plot: 14
Other/personal opinion (general): 12

Total: 70

Spoiler comments: Some typos and other strange verb tenses. If those were intentional, then I don't understand those parts of the story. (Specifically, in paragraph 11, "I changed my mine!" made me laugh.)

I didn't really understand what was going on in the first section (paragraphs 1 - 31), but it does seem to be within the same dream / otherworldly location as the end of the story.

... but even after going back and re-reading part one, I still couldn't understand it. How many people are there, and exactly who is doing what? In my opinion, the ambiguity really kills this story, especially in part one. Eventually, you do have one character shout out "Shinji!", but is that the protagonist or someone else? The only character who was really given an identity was the amber-haired ghost girl.

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"Vita Detestabilis" by Cornuthaum

Readability: 20
Use of the theme: 15
Use of details: 17
Story/Plot: 18
Other/personal opinion (general): 19

Total: 89

Spoiler comments: The explanations at the end cleared up most of the questions I had after the first read-through, so thanks for tacking that on.

This was more of a rambling of an old soldier's tales, than it was an actual story. I mean, there wasn't a traditional plot that could really be followed here - but that's not bad, I loved World War Z.

The one thing I would really change is the narrator (Death Knight)'s tone of voice. Does he/she/? really speak in such a casual manner, as we do in common conversation? That part seems kinda ... like it breaks the 4th wall unintentionally.

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"Games from Beyond" by Grunt

Readability: 16
Use of the theme: 14
Use of details: 20
Story/Plot: 16
Other/personal opinion (general): 15

Total: 81

Spoiler comments: This passage has a lot of line breaks - perhaps too many. I think that this disrupts the flow of ideas, because it makes it difficult to tell exactly where one idea stops and the next begins. Due to this and the lack of differentiating characteristics (until the very end), I had some difficulty keeping the characters straight in certain areas of the passage.

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"Skies over Gracemaria" by Rooster455

Readability: 20
Use of the theme: 17
Use of details: 18
Story/Plot: 17
Other/personal opinion (general): 19

Total: 91

Spoiler comments: Finally, named characters! :yay: Not a lot I can say about this one, except "Flesh it out so I can read more of it!"

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"Deal with the Devil" by Halibel Lecter

Readability: 20
Use of the theme: 15
Use of details: 19
Story/Plot: 16
Other/personal opinion (general): 18

Total: 88

Spoiler comments: Aickman seemed to disappear early in the story - why? And there were a couple spots in the basement where I couldn't quite visualize what was going on.

Anyway, that's some creative backstory you've hinted at, with the Baaraclecians.
 
C

Cornuthaum

Well-Known Member
#43
#43
@Shoe: I think that if you assume that the World of W is real, the people therein are real and thusly behave like ordinary people, even if those ordinary people can explode corpses, call forth ghouls and channel the unholy energies of death and decay. ;)

And yeah, I love WWZ too. Which is why I try to adopt the style of some of its passages.
 
R

Rooster455

Well-Known Member
#46
#46
Left Shoe said:
Not a lot I can say about this one, except "Flesh it out so I can read more of it!"
Click to expand...
:blink: Wow, dude. Thanks for the great score. Looks like all those sexual favours were a great bribe. ;)

I'll see if I can flesh it out more, maybe the big dogfight that got skimmed over because of time constraints can be expanded as well. Then I might decide if he punched out in time. If I decide he does, I might be able to expand further into a full story, who knows?
 
L

Left Shoe

Well-Known Member
#47
#47
Rooster455 said:
*loose lips*
Click to expand...


*Left Shoeákicks Rooster*

You just be thankful that I don't go back and lower your score for that. (Anyway, your entry paled in comparison.)
 
H

Halibel Lecter

Well-Known Member
#48
#48
....


:huh:


...........

:eek:


.................


:jawdrop:


....I can has buttsecks pairing! Woo!
 
Watashiwa

Watashiwa

Administrator
Staff member
#49
#49
Hellfire. My bad this is so late; the weekend con threw off my entire week.

Wills--Iron Ficcer twin blade (Original)
Readability: 17
Theme: 17
Details: 12
Plot: 14
Opinion: 14
Total:74
The first entry comes from Iron Ficcer twin blade. The mild hint of lime tantalizes throughout this original entry; and while it works as is, the lack of perspective hurts the entry more than anything. Less a dish, more an appetizer.

Wave Goodnight, Wave Goodbye--Iron Ficcer Kayeich (NGE)
Readability: 16
Theme: 16
Details: 16
Plot: 18
Opinion: 19
Total: 85
Using a time worn classic, Iron Ficcer kayeich takes his dish in a rare direction, upsetting tradition and leaving fans with a lingering mystery.

Vita Detestabilis--Iron Ficcer Cornuthaum (WoW)
Readability: 15
Theme: 15
Details: 16
Plot: 18
Opinion: 18
Total: 82
Ah WoW. My distaste for you is aborted by this, the presentation of which is easily it's most entertaining aspect. The taste of Death Knights fighting against something worse, while still being evil? Score! Unfortunately, the stream of consciousness base leads to some confusion, though a second taste clears most of it.

Games from Beyond--Iron Ficcer Grunt (Original)
Readability: 18
Theme: 19
Details: 16
Plot: 17
Opinion: 20
Total: 90
I'm going to break character and squeal like a fangirl.

Okay, done. Ahem.

This is a truly SUPERB offering from Grunt. The plate comes with two dueling tastes, both dark, and ends with a promise of sheer unadulterated awesome.

Skies Over Gracemaria--Iron Ficcer Rooster455 (Ace Combat)
Readability: 19
Theme: 18
Details: 16
Plot: 17
Opinion: 18
Total: 88
A wonderfully smooth entry from long time writer Rooster455, this piece mixes fatalism and heroism, forcing one to consider the right way to deal with conflicting needs.

Deal with the Devil--Iron Ficcer Halibel Lecter (original)
Readability: 16
Theme: 17
Details: 15
Plot: 16
Opinion: 15
Total: 79
Aha, our sole female contestant cooks a delightful devil's food cake, using unfamiliar ingredients but nevertheless crafting an exquisite and oh-so-delicious dish. Well played!
 
Watashiwa

Watashiwa

Administrator
Staff member
#50
#50
Despite Rooster's claims, I'm not making you add up the scores by hand.

Score totals are as follows:

twin blade 77.6

Keyeich 83

Corn 87

Grunt 86

Rooster455 86.3

Halibel Lecter 85

And Cornuthaum takes ANOTHER Iron Fic! Great work, Raptorman! Thanks for your patience everyone; I hope you'll return tomorrow and participate in IF 2-3!

Do people want to see sub-category totals? I can post those as well.
 
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