The idea came to me and then wouldn't let go.
And yes, this proves there is something meaner and bigger than Kyuubi out there in the wide world - something that exists in reality too (unfortunately.)
Here goes.
**********
Throughout his life, Naruto had become accustomed to many things. Konohagakure was supposedly a very nice village, sexy no jutsu was something only used in emergencies, and yes, though the grass is greener on the other side, here lie apples instead.
Naruto was one such apple, in fact, it could be said he was the apple of many a young ladyÆs eye. Wherever the young blonde went, there was always a smile and a reassuring gesture from the older women, and a hug and a cheerful wave from his female peers.
Some of the younger boys looked up to him with awe, as did some of his male peers. However, Naruto was a very hesitant being. He was very, very paranoid.
Naruto had to be, every male older than him was in complete fear of him.
There was no reason for this, he rarely played serious pranks û well, discounting that sexy no jutsu incident; and his caretaker had carefully made sure he was want of nothing and received enough positive attention. The young kid mostly assumed that there was something about him that was special and paid it no further mind. Of course, this may have had something to do with the first lessons his caretaker had taught him.
Getting back to our protagonistà
Every few blocks, Naruto would make sure he was within sight of a woman. He had learned early that the real power in Konoha lay not with the men, but with their spouses and daughters.
Apparently there was still a heated debate to this day between the older generationÆs genders whether or not he himself was a good influence on his peers and younger classmates.
The women were in favour of him, the men were initially actively against.
Naruto would sometimes be bullied by such gangs, though when a blind and dumb granny heard the commotion, her stick became acquainted with their crotches and the men soon became acquainted with the couch.
When he had entered the Ninja Academy, Naruto had overheard his male instructors discussing him in relation with the 4th Hokage. Naturally, Naruto hadnÆt said a word about the event, but it had reaffirmed his belief in his uniqueness.
**********
Today was the graduation exams day, and as opposed to previous examinations, the would-be Genin were separated.
TodayÆs schedule would be split into three parts. The first exam would consist of examinees splitting into groups of three, before being given a routine D-class mission. Instructors would give the participants an independent number, with each member receiving the combined tally as their score. Thereafter, the exams would be taken individually.
The second exam was split into three parts as well. The first section would be a written examination, the second a taijutsu examination, the third section was a combined ninjutsu and genjutsu examination.
The third and final exam was a solo mission. Each examinee would be given a queue number, and a mission. When the student with the first number finished, the next student in line would begin, and so on. (Naruto found to his dismay he was last.)
The first exam had been really easy for Naruto. HeÆd been paired up with Makie Kazumi and Yamanaka Ino, both of whom were close friends, and they had been very cooperative throughout the D-class mission. Hugs and friendship chants galore followed thereafter.
The second exam had been slightly more difficult. The written exam turned out to be much more time-consuming than he would have liked, but then, thatÆs the way the dice falls. During his taijutsu exam, he had slipped on a banana (he had the sneaky suspicion Mizuki-sensei had left it there by æaccidentÆ) but had nonetheless managed to pass.
How high or low he didnÆt care, he had passed and that was enough for him.
The ninjutsu/genjutsu exam had been surprisingly easy. The examiners were seated behind a panel and asked him to perform several d-ranked ninjutsu or genjutsu. Thereafter, he could perform nin- or genjutsu outside the curriculum for extra credit, though the credit given was in proportion to the result of the mandatory sections.
Naruto was sure heÆd done well with the basic techniques (he still noted that his bunshins needed a little work) and was glad heÆd performed the Sexy no Jutsu. The examiners all had nosebleed fountains (Naruto 1, Examiners 0, the blonde thought mischievously), and had come forward to berate him. Upon yanking the nude girlÆs arm, all three immediately realised the blonde hadnÆt merely transformed, but had completely shape changed into a girl.
The first examiner had a second nosebleed and fainted. The second examiner knelt in front of the blonde and began hailing him, crying out ôIÆm not worthy, IÆm not worthy, please teach this unworthy disciple your technique!ö
The third examiner ignored the other two, assessed the blondeÆs techniques, and sent him on to the third exam with a blue bandana.
Apparently, in conjunction to the solo mission, the third exam required the Genin wannabe to find a metal forehead protector, and attach it to the blue bandana. That was the easy part, finding the metal head protector would be much harder.
Then again, that was what the girls were for û after all, he was their friend, right?
The solo mission, well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle û and the less said about the end the better û but apart from that it was excellent.
He finally found out why women and children absolutely loved him and men feared him û and why Mizuki had gone insane.
He was a TV character! Or, at least, had a TV character in him.
His mission was given to him by Mizuki-sensei; he had to steal a scroll, and learn one of the techniques locked inside.
Problems began when the Hokage caught him in the act of filching the scroll. A hasty Sexy no Jutsu was fortunately enough to distract the old man for a few minutes. It was pretty easy to sneak the scroll away to the woods, and much easier to learn the first technique in the scroll Naruto had laid eyes on, but, well, then came the Mizuki and Iruka battle.
Apparently, Mizuki-sensei hated him as much as he feared him.
Surprisingly Iruka didnÆt fear himà but maybe that was because the man was the most childlike young adult Naruto had ever met.
Still, Mizuka had overpowered Iruka-sensei, and Naruto felt he had to do something. A quick Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and then everything went hazy.
His body had been covered with a sort of purplish haze of chakra, and warm feelings of love and cherishment began to course throughout his chakra system.
His Kage Bunshin were all arrayed in a large ring around the traitorous Chuunin, and before he knew it, he was moving with arms outstretched chanting something he knew he once had heard before.
His vision began to dim as Mizuki broke down and started crying, and before the young academy student reached the prone man, he too blacked out.
**********
Naruto came to in a hospital bed. He opened his eyes and saw the Hokage sitting beside him, smoking pipe twirled about in his gnarled fingers.
ôNaruto, IÆll be blunt with you. You are a vessel of the most evil and perverse force to have ever walked this land. Well, actually, thatÆs what the men say. The women and children of Konoha, on the other hand, know you to be either the vessel of the most desirable thing since diapers and TV shows, or TV shows depending on the age group. Personally, I agree with both camps.ö
Naruto blinked.
ôNaruto,ö the old man continued, ôthat which you contain, controlled you in your bout with poor Mizuki-kun. The man is insane, and has to be kept under lock and key in the shinobi general asylum ward. Of course, that would be if he had been loyal to Konoha. He has been brutally executed and surprised everyone when he hugged his executioner. He said, and I quote, ôI love you man, youÆre ridding me of that awful memory, just get it over with, please.ö Now, if that isnÆt madness IÆm not sure what is. Do you now see the danger you possess? Do you know which words you uttered, that fateful technique that can send the most rational man into madness?ö
Naruto shook his head. The Sandaime sorrowfully shook and turned to the boy, a grave look on his face.
ôI shall repeat your words once, and only once. Remember, this is considered an S-class technique û one you should never even utter towards your enemies. Of course, I would applaud you mightily and understand if you forgot in the heat of battle against an enemy of Konoha. Here I go, prepare yourself Naruto!ö
The aging man braced himself.
ôI love you, you love me, weÆreà a happyà à family!àö
The Hokage stopped to gasp for breath.
ôDo you see now, young child, what you contain?ö
Naruto nodded and smiled. He cheered, ôI contain Barney! Yay!ö
**********
I eagerly await the firing squad.
And yes, this proves there is something meaner and bigger than Kyuubi out there in the wide world - something that exists in reality too (unfortunately.)
Here goes.
**********
Throughout his life, Naruto had become accustomed to many things. Konohagakure was supposedly a very nice village, sexy no jutsu was something only used in emergencies, and yes, though the grass is greener on the other side, here lie apples instead.
Naruto was one such apple, in fact, it could be said he was the apple of many a young ladyÆs eye. Wherever the young blonde went, there was always a smile and a reassuring gesture from the older women, and a hug and a cheerful wave from his female peers.
Some of the younger boys looked up to him with awe, as did some of his male peers. However, Naruto was a very hesitant being. He was very, very paranoid.
Naruto had to be, every male older than him was in complete fear of him.
There was no reason for this, he rarely played serious pranks û well, discounting that sexy no jutsu incident; and his caretaker had carefully made sure he was want of nothing and received enough positive attention. The young kid mostly assumed that there was something about him that was special and paid it no further mind. Of course, this may have had something to do with the first lessons his caretaker had taught him.
Getting back to our protagonistà
Every few blocks, Naruto would make sure he was within sight of a woman. He had learned early that the real power in Konoha lay not with the men, but with their spouses and daughters.
Apparently there was still a heated debate to this day between the older generationÆs genders whether or not he himself was a good influence on his peers and younger classmates.
The women were in favour of him, the men were initially actively against.
Naruto would sometimes be bullied by such gangs, though when a blind and dumb granny heard the commotion, her stick became acquainted with their crotches and the men soon became acquainted with the couch.
When he had entered the Ninja Academy, Naruto had overheard his male instructors discussing him in relation with the 4th Hokage. Naturally, Naruto hadnÆt said a word about the event, but it had reaffirmed his belief in his uniqueness.
**********
Today was the graduation exams day, and as opposed to previous examinations, the would-be Genin were separated.
TodayÆs schedule would be split into three parts. The first exam would consist of examinees splitting into groups of three, before being given a routine D-class mission. Instructors would give the participants an independent number, with each member receiving the combined tally as their score. Thereafter, the exams would be taken individually.
The second exam was split into three parts as well. The first section would be a written examination, the second a taijutsu examination, the third section was a combined ninjutsu and genjutsu examination.
The third and final exam was a solo mission. Each examinee would be given a queue number, and a mission. When the student with the first number finished, the next student in line would begin, and so on. (Naruto found to his dismay he was last.)
The first exam had been really easy for Naruto. HeÆd been paired up with Makie Kazumi and Yamanaka Ino, both of whom were close friends, and they had been very cooperative throughout the D-class mission. Hugs and friendship chants galore followed thereafter.
The second exam had been slightly more difficult. The written exam turned out to be much more time-consuming than he would have liked, but then, thatÆs the way the dice falls. During his taijutsu exam, he had slipped on a banana (he had the sneaky suspicion Mizuki-sensei had left it there by æaccidentÆ) but had nonetheless managed to pass.
How high or low he didnÆt care, he had passed and that was enough for him.
The ninjutsu/genjutsu exam had been surprisingly easy. The examiners were seated behind a panel and asked him to perform several d-ranked ninjutsu or genjutsu. Thereafter, he could perform nin- or genjutsu outside the curriculum for extra credit, though the credit given was in proportion to the result of the mandatory sections.
Naruto was sure heÆd done well with the basic techniques (he still noted that his bunshins needed a little work) and was glad heÆd performed the Sexy no Jutsu. The examiners all had nosebleed fountains (Naruto 1, Examiners 0, the blonde thought mischievously), and had come forward to berate him. Upon yanking the nude girlÆs arm, all three immediately realised the blonde hadnÆt merely transformed, but had completely shape changed into a girl.
The first examiner had a second nosebleed and fainted. The second examiner knelt in front of the blonde and began hailing him, crying out ôIÆm not worthy, IÆm not worthy, please teach this unworthy disciple your technique!ö
The third examiner ignored the other two, assessed the blondeÆs techniques, and sent him on to the third exam with a blue bandana.
Apparently, in conjunction to the solo mission, the third exam required the Genin wannabe to find a metal forehead protector, and attach it to the blue bandana. That was the easy part, finding the metal head protector would be much harder.
Then again, that was what the girls were for û after all, he was their friend, right?
The solo mission, well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle û and the less said about the end the better û but apart from that it was excellent.
He finally found out why women and children absolutely loved him and men feared him û and why Mizuki had gone insane.
He was a TV character! Or, at least, had a TV character in him.
His mission was given to him by Mizuki-sensei; he had to steal a scroll, and learn one of the techniques locked inside.
Problems began when the Hokage caught him in the act of filching the scroll. A hasty Sexy no Jutsu was fortunately enough to distract the old man for a few minutes. It was pretty easy to sneak the scroll away to the woods, and much easier to learn the first technique in the scroll Naruto had laid eyes on, but, well, then came the Mizuki and Iruka battle.
Apparently, Mizuki-sensei hated him as much as he feared him.
Surprisingly Iruka didnÆt fear himà but maybe that was because the man was the most childlike young adult Naruto had ever met.
Still, Mizuka had overpowered Iruka-sensei, and Naruto felt he had to do something. A quick Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and then everything went hazy.
His body had been covered with a sort of purplish haze of chakra, and warm feelings of love and cherishment began to course throughout his chakra system.
His Kage Bunshin were all arrayed in a large ring around the traitorous Chuunin, and before he knew it, he was moving with arms outstretched chanting something he knew he once had heard before.
His vision began to dim as Mizuki broke down and started crying, and before the young academy student reached the prone man, he too blacked out.
**********
Naruto came to in a hospital bed. He opened his eyes and saw the Hokage sitting beside him, smoking pipe twirled about in his gnarled fingers.
ôNaruto, IÆll be blunt with you. You are a vessel of the most evil and perverse force to have ever walked this land. Well, actually, thatÆs what the men say. The women and children of Konoha, on the other hand, know you to be either the vessel of the most desirable thing since diapers and TV shows, or TV shows depending on the age group. Personally, I agree with both camps.ö
Naruto blinked.
ôNaruto,ö the old man continued, ôthat which you contain, controlled you in your bout with poor Mizuki-kun. The man is insane, and has to be kept under lock and key in the shinobi general asylum ward. Of course, that would be if he had been loyal to Konoha. He has been brutally executed and surprised everyone when he hugged his executioner. He said, and I quote, ôI love you man, youÆre ridding me of that awful memory, just get it over with, please.ö Now, if that isnÆt madness IÆm not sure what is. Do you now see the danger you possess? Do you know which words you uttered, that fateful technique that can send the most rational man into madness?ö
Naruto shook his head. The Sandaime sorrowfully shook and turned to the boy, a grave look on his face.
ôI shall repeat your words once, and only once. Remember, this is considered an S-class technique û one you should never even utter towards your enemies. Of course, I would applaud you mightily and understand if you forgot in the heat of battle against an enemy of Konoha. Here I go, prepare yourself Naruto!ö
The aging man braced himself.
ôI love you, you love me, weÆreà a happyà à family!àö
The Hokage stopped to gasp for breath.
ôDo you see now, young child, what you contain?ö
Naruto nodded and smiled. He cheered, ôI contain Barney! Yay!ö
**********
I eagerly await the firing squad.
h43r: 
