Akamatsuverse Ronin & Sophomore

[chronodekar]

POST EDIT: Preview removed

I've decided to remove the original preview I had here (in first post) and keep updating it with links to published chapters AND current previews I'm doing. You can have a glimpse of the story status this way! Here we go,

Ronin & Sophomore
by
chronodekar

<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/1/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 01: The Ronin</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/2/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 02: The Sophomore</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/3/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 03: First Meeting</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/4/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 04: How it begins</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/5/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 05: Settling In</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/6/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 06: Before Tsuruko's Departure</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/7/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 07: Young Girl joins up</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/8/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 08: The Gothic Girl arrives</a>
<a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8185900/9/Ronin_Sophomore' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 09: Beginning Classes for the Ronin</a>

<a href='http://goo.gl/vYLdH' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 10 (PREVIEW): Start of a Promise</a>


If you want me to reply to any comments you make in the preview, do remember to sign it. (Or you could just reply back on this thread)

-chronodekar

 

[zeebee1]

I read it for a while, but then I realized you replaced the main characters with OCs. There are just too many differences.

 

[EagleCeres]

The intro was a little exposition heavy, at moments I was about to TL;DR it, but decided to power through it, it felt a little disconnected from Motoko's initial setup.

Motoko is the nervous wreck of a ronin instead of Keitaro, interesting premise.

I'm curious to see how much she remembers/forgot about her original reason to get into TouDai once the need to study took over her life, and how well she's been able to balance it with her kendo/shinmeiryu training.

Ahhh Granny... everyone's favorite relationship troll is at it again XD

Keitaro seems quite a bit more capable than canon, if a bit of a dork with a hero mentality.
Wonder how many girls Granny has in store for her favorite grandson to meet (and get shot down by).

I feel the need to comment about the scene transitions, but I can't figure out what stands out.

 

[Ordo]

I feel the need to comment about the scene transitions, but I can't figure out what stands out.

The word 'Whiplash' comes to mind.

 

[MTing]

The story idea is interesting. It's completely new, which is brilliant and creative. Problem here is that people have a preconception about how the characters in Love Hina behave.
Keitaro is suppose to be a clumsy dork with a heart of gold and Motoko is suppose to be a sword wielding, deeply repressed young woman. You've established Motoko's character change quite well, though it does make her seem slightly naive in how the world works, what with the door and all.
Keitaro on the other hand, you haven't really explained how he changed. Grandma Hina's info dump aside, it doesn't really feel like Keitaro. It's more like you've taken Negi and given him an adult body.

It needs some improvement on the scene transitions, some of the dialogue felt...unnatural and the backstory could be fleshed out more. However, I still find this to be quite an enjoyable read. Keep it up.

 

[chronodekar]

Wow. I didn't expect this many replies. Thanks for showing interest guys!

you replaced the main characters with OCs. There are just too many differences.

-sigh- I was expecting someone to bring this up a few chapters later on, but oh well!

I have my own idea on what personalities/skills a character should keep, but at the same time this IS a re-write of Love Hina. Just, not as you remember it. Hmm... I'll consider adding a warning or something near the top of the fic.

... TL;DR ... Keitaro seems quite a bit more capable than canon ..

This is possibly my first real effort at a long story and I'm trying to have long chapters. Not sure about how frequent I'll be able to update, though.

And YES, Keitaro IS a lot more capable than in canon. My original idea was writing a cross-over with Fate/Stay Night, but after weeks of researching on the idea, I had to dump it.

The word 'Whiplash' comes to mind.

... NOT the comment I was expecting, but I'll see if I can make things a bit .. cleaner.

Keitaro on the other hand, you haven't really explained how he changed. ... some of the dialogue felt...unnatural and the backstory could be fleshed out more ..

Point conceded. I WAS worried about it. After writing the Motoko part, I was trying to figure out how to insert Keitaro in and ... well, honestly, I'm not really satisfied with how that part came out. I have half a mind to re-write that part.

Backstory? I plan to address that as the chapters progress.

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys! Now, let me see about getting something GOOD out next.

-chronodekar

 

[Deathwings]

From what I can see, the biggest problem is that there is too much Tell, not enough Show and the narrator's tendency to lean on the 4rth Wall is annoying and break the flow.

 

[bob999999999]

You've got about 50,000 extra commas in there. While a lot of them are technically not incorrect, they unnecessarily break your sentences up into phrases which eliminate a lot of the flow of the narration. Most of the other things I'd mention have already been said, that's the only one I didn't really see brought up by anyone else.

 

[chronodekar]

Hello everyone! I've finished the next chapter in this story! The first post has been edited to reflect how I plan to organize things.

Anyway here's what you've been waiting for,
(NOTE: it's meant to be posted on FF.NET the AN does NOT reflect comments on this forum!)

<a href='https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M6kZRFr-aFhW_3q9tFtCaKBE44xg1SX6tnNsG1S4tE4/edit?pli=1' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 03 (PREVIEW) : First Meeting</a>

It's a google docs link. I do my story-writing there and it's a pain to just copy paste it into the forum, so I decided to just publish the document publicly online. I'm planning to take down the preview after I publish the chapter to FF.NET.

A warning to EagleCeres - this is even longer than the preview I posted earlier. So, you probably want to set a bit of time off to read it. (According to the document statistics, it's EXACTLY 10000 words!) Though, if after a point you decide to drop the story - please tell me at what point you dropped it? I want to go back and change things, if possible.

Most importantly, I hope the earlier issue with "scene transitions" has been taken care of. (I used horizontal lines this time)

MTing's concern about how Keitaro has changed - I hope it's been answered. Not entirely, but enough of it, I hope.

Deathwings - Hmmm... as far as narration goes, I honestly don't know how I might fix that. I have a style I want to use and would like to stick to it. Though, if it gets too horrible, I'll change.

bob999999999 - think I've fixed up the commas now.


As usual, I'm open to suggestions on improving my writing.

-chronodekar

 

[chronodekar]

Well, the next chapter is ready for beta-read. Here's the link,

<a href='https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iiBSAFjAKrZuU0chSTMUa78B43SlFxELcV5Dn2alWpQ/edit' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 04 (PREVIEW): How it begins</a>

I'm not really happy with how I handled some of the conversations in the first part, but it's a bit late for me and I'm too sleepy to bother with it now. Will get to it tomorrow morning.

Please respond with comments/suggestions!

Sleepy,
chronodekar

 

[T.L]

That's the most bizarre thing that I've ever seen edits in real time.

 

[chronodekar]

That's the most bizarre thing that I've ever seen edits in real time.

It's one of the reasons I like using Google docs. Easy to point out corrections and I don't need to worry about saving multiple copies of the same file when I move around. ^_^

Here's a video about it from Google,

<a href='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRqUE6IHTEA' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Google Docs in simple english</a>

For obvious reasons, when my chapters are in a beta stage, I publish the document with public comment access.

I'm not sure WHO has been leaving comments in the chapter for me, but I appreciate it A LOT. When I open up the document it reads to me as a comment from "Anonymous". This is the ONLY forum I've placed the preview link in, so whoever it is, thank you!

Wish I could figure out who you were though.... :huh:

-chronodekar

 

[T.L]

Thanks,
I get worried when I comment on other peoples work that I am offending them.
I stopped writing years ago due to being so bad.

T.L

 

[EagleCeres]

Took me a while to get up to speed, but finally got to that chapter 4 preview... now, a for comments:

- I feel I need to echo Zeebee's comment about OC's dressed up as Motoko and Keitaro, while you have already commented that this story is an Alternate Universe, it takes quite a while to get comfortable with this rendition of both them, same with Shinobu... she comes off as a ditz instead of an insecure pre-teen. Oddly enough, Granny Hina and Tsuruko seem about the same for what little we see them in canon and most portrayals in fanon. While not a game breaker, I'll wait an see how you develop them further, as they get comfy and settle in the Hinata Sou.

- About Word length, nothing to worry about there, it was the mood whiplash that Ordo pointed out in the previous scenes during the first two chapters that didn't let me understand where you were going. As You've been working more on scene transitions and smoothening(?) the mood changes in the following chapters, it's become an easier read. I'm interested to see how far the rabbit hole goes, but be more confident in putting the story out there, don't feel like you have to scrap an Idea because a reader didn't get it on the first read.

- Keitaro's issues stemming from not so positive magical influences/experiences is an interesting alternative to his getting beat down for being the accidental pervert, although i get this vibe about his "aloofness", it seems it's more of an excuse to run away from commitments and or investing time and emotionally bond with people outside his family for fear of hurting them due to "the family busisness".

- Motoko's initial silliness during the first chapter seemed a bit exaggerated, but I did understand the intention; she's always been the type to panic when it came to having (or in this case losing) her sister's support. Through out the past chapters and up to the newest (ongoing) she appears more like her somber and formal canon persona, with a few extras... I think readers can and will benefit more on them getting to know how both Motoko and Kei became the people they are, instead of being the canon characters tossed into situation.

Keep it up!

 

[T.L]

It was nice to see some of the original Motoko's character peeking through in parts.
The beat down for attacking her brother-in-law must have been epic to see, and the male comment seems to me that her behavior hasn't been fully corrected.
She seems to be subservient at the moment due to events but how long will that last?
Your transitions from scene to scene are a lot better than earlier chapters
Looking forward to where this goes.
T.L

 

[chronodekar]

Took me a while to get up to speed, but finally got to that chapter 4 preview...

I actually have a similar issue when reading other fics and plan to do something about this unique problem when publishing chapter-5.

OC's dressed up as Motoko and Keitaro, while you have already commented that this story is an Alternate Universe

Some of my inspiration came from <a href='http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1707699/1/' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>A Different Life</a> by crosseyedbutterfly. Though admittedly, I'm taking things even further.

with Shinobu... she comes off as a ditz instead of an insecure pre-teen.

:headbanger: Darn it! I was trying for the "insecure pre-teen" role but missed. It seems that when I pass the idiot-ball away from K/M and onto someone else, THAT person's character gets mutilated.

Honestly, it was meant for funny/amusement in this chapter. The main character trait would grow as the story progresses.

? Granny Hina and Tsuruko seem about the same for what little we see them in canon

Hate to disappoint you, but they won't be around for too much longer. Their main roles are finished now, so it's just a matter of sending them off. Of course, they will return from time to time, but the focus of the story is not with them.

? it's become an easier read. I'm interested to see how far the rabbit hole goes, but be more confident in putting the story out there, don't feel like you have to scrap an Idea because a reader didn't get it on the first read.

Glad to hear!

As far as ideas go, I originally planned to squeeze in Antimatter's "room switching" gimmic in this chapter, but couldn't get it to fit. The explanations for the event kept getting in the way. May try it again later though, not fully decided.

? Keitaro's issues ... it seems it's more of an excuse to run away from commitments and or investing time and emotionally bond with people outside his family for fear of hurting them due to "the family busisness".

I'll admit in this forum that the intent behind that "issue" was two fold -
1. Reason Keitaro doesn't have any girlfriends yet
2. Reason he's scared of bedroom activities

He IS a guy and as mentioned, has a porn collection, but .. well, it's a situation I want to develop at my own pace.

Motoko's ...? appears more like her somber and formal canon persona, with a few extras... I think readers can and will benefit more on them getting to know how both Motoko and Kei became the people they are, instead of being the canon characters tossed into situation.

Hmm... while I have some major plans for Motoko, you raise an interesting idea - how she (or Keitaro) became who they are. I need to ponder on it.

@Without Remorse,

A HUGE thanks for the beta-reading! :mmm: It was the first time for me too that someone pointed out corrections for me real-time over the internet on a story of mine. I've credited you in the released chapter.

-chronodekar

 

[chronodekar]

AANNND I have the next chapter out for beta reading. Here's the link,

<a href='https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EcNzE_gRcszUeoBQ-gWzjWPnjk_sRTxrwC1zZBdmalQ/edit' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 05 (PREVIEW): Life at the Hinata Inn</a>

If you find any mistakes in there, feel free to select the text in question, right click and leave a comment. It will help me understand what I'm doing wrong.

There are some action scenes this time and I'm curious to see how they will be received.

-chronodekar

 

[rukia8492]

chrono i was the one who caught red being written as read.

 

[T.L]

Comments on the doc.
I noticed the difference between Queens English and American spelling quite noticeably this chapter.
Went to correct so many words only to pull up at the last minuet.
:snigger: Hikaru Gosunkugi.

 

[chronodekar]

chrono i was the one who caught red being written as read.

Considering that W/R has replied without contesting the claim, I'll take it to be true.

rukia8492, please accept my deepest apologies about the mixup. I'll be editing the chapter (within the hour) to include you as one of the beta-readers.

Most importantly, THANK YOU for pointing out the fix in the first place!

Just next time - please consider a small sign when you make a comment? Or just post back in this thread. Either will do.

Queens English and American spelling

If anyone asks, I'll always claim to edit with the Queen's English. But, somewhere over the years, I think I've ended up fusing the two. Or at least, I can't quite tell the difference anymore.

The spell-checking is done by Google and I have no idea which they follow. ... :wacko:

Why did you point out "Hakama" ? The first time, I messed up and wrote "hamaka" instead, but your second comment makes me think you are referring to the capital "H". If I did that, wouldn't I also need to change "kimono" to "Kimono" ? A bit of an overkill, if you ask me. Especially since we're talking about clothing.

-chronodekar

 

[rukia8492]

no worries man, i may be deployed right now but i'll help in anyway i can. plus i enjoy this. it's a nice break from being shot at every day to help out.

-scouts out!

 

[alansg]

Just a little niptick, nothing really important. What Motoko and Tsuruko wear all the time is not a kimono, is a gi. They do wear a kimono in the engagement scene.

Is doesn't affect the story, but it kinda bothers me when I'm reading.

 

[ragnarok1337]

The thing that completely ruins an otherwise great chapter is the whole bit with a grenade. Making it blow up in the air wouldn't help at all. If the shrapnel didn't kill them (modern grenades are designed to kill via spraying shrapnel rather than the explosion itself) the concussive force from the explosion would have stunned them at the very least. I can think of no way to salvage that scene, so your best bet would be to cut it entirely.

Maybe you could replace it with a flash-bang. It would explain how the explosion of a grenade wouldn't kill them, but would stun them, and combining it with some smoke bombs would disorientate Keitaro and Motoko long enough for Hikaru Gosunkugi to run away.

Another problem is sice the two other mooks were knocked out by Keitaro and Motoko, it is highly unlikely that they would regain consciousness and be able to function properly and run away in a short amount of time. No, it would be more likely that Gosunkugi would have left them behind.

 

[T.L]

Why did you point out "Hakama" ? The first time, I messed up and wrote "hamaka" instead, but your second comment makes me think you are referring to the capital "H". If I did that, wouldn't I also need to change "kimono" to "Kimono" ? A bit of an overkill, if you ask me. Especially since we're talking about clothing.

-chronodekar

The second time might have been redundant. But I thought it was spelt the same way twice, It was very late when I read through it.
Very happy to see that you got fiancÚe and fiancÚ correct and kept it in the right context. Most people don't know the difference.

As for my spelling context some examples :-
specialized = specialised
Humor = Humour
Every time I see that "z" in words or missing the "our" at the end. I think that it is wrong and have to pull up.
I started marking my edits as you can see.

Sorry Rukia I didn't know. I haven't read the finished product.
I don't like taking credit for something when it's not due.

 

[chronodekar]

@alansg,

My source for the kimono/hakama mixup is wikipedia. Here's the link,
<a href='http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hakama#Women.27s_hakama' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hakama#Women.27s_hakama</a>
To quote from them,

... A miko's uniform consists of a plain white kimono with a bright red hakama, sometimes ...

If the Aoyama sisters really are wearing something different, can you please point me to a description of the clothing?

@ragnarok1337,

I honestly didn't think of shrapnel from a grenade. What if it was an old grenade that was badly constructed? Something like the factory reject? I have a good mind to redo that scene entirely and would like to get it *right* this time.

And as for the mooks being left behind, hmm... let me think on how to present that scene for a bit.

@Without Remorse,

Glad to hear about fiancÚe and fiancÚ being right. I have 3/4th of a mind to go back and rectify the earlier chapters.

Let me see if there's some way for me to make google switch me over to American english. I think it would make things easier. And I do need to fix on one anyway.

You have NO idea how helpful it is, now that you are marking your edits!

-chronodekar