Akamatsuverse Ronin & Sophomore

chronodekar · Sep 23, 2012

rukia8492 said:

I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now.

Thanks! What do you think of the rest of the chapter?

@Without Remorse,

Good to know you liked Kanako's intro. I added another paragraph near that "aura of smooth" section you mentioned. Not sure how it fits in with the rest of it, so can you check that for me?

"Gothic Girl" it is then.

The ending has been edited as well. A small peck on the cheek has been added. What do you think?

-chronodekar

rukia8492 · Sep 23, 2012

i liked it. as remorse said we need more of toaster-chan and fridge-kun.

maybe me and WR should start writing O-makes for you regarding the adventures and chats of keitaro and the kitchen appliances.

T.L · Sep 24, 2012

Those extra pieces around the nail gun scene read much better. As I posted she no longer feels like a Terminator who got mugged.
[

Kanako the Terminator, that might get me able to write after all these years. ]

The last scene with the peck to the cheek just feels good, and I think gives you a nice starting point to move the romantic relationship slowly forward.

@ Rukia
How about having :-
Toaster-chan, burning toast every time Motoko tries to use it.
Fridge-Kun, getting jealous and spoiling Keitaro's meal leftovers. Just the leftovers and nothing else.
Having Shinobu checking the mushrooms in her meals when they start talking to her.
The two of them freaking out Kitsune every time she is drunk.
Zapping Su for poking a knife into Toaster-chan and having T-chan thinking she was being violated

T.L

EagleCeres · Sep 26, 2012

Oh, looks like I'm late to the party as usual, huh? ^_^
As usual comments, nitpicks, lulz and micro omakes on the google doc.

BTW: Troll!Kanako is best Kanako :snigger:

Favorite lines this chapter:
ôBut WHY? And how could she do that to you? What about my feelings? DonÆt I get to choose who gets to be my sister-in-law?ö
and
Drawing wisdom from her vast hentai collection, Kanako could easily guess what they had been thinking when they went all starry-eyed the moment her brother would step into the area.

Aaaaanyhow...
I'm gonna start playing some bad cop on here... so feel free to ignore some comments/nitpicks, as they may not be the case and/or I might be misunderstanding/misreading something -_-

* Not sure how to comment about the excerpts at the beginning of the chapter... it feels like another set Author's Notes. While i'd recommend to work it into part of the first scene, I'm not sure how it would affect the narrative you're striving for...

* I'm a little concerned with all the mini sentences in the paragraphs. At moments it feels like they are barely connected with all the periods separating the ideas per sentence.

chronodekar · Sep 26, 2012

@EagleCeres,

I'm really exhausted right now and about half-awake at the moment. I've fixed most of the simple corrections in the google docs, but it will take me a bit of time to think about the other ones. I have some interviews (am job hunting) going on right now and won't be able to make any major changes for the next few days. I'll update the fanfic version of the story with your changes after that - hope you won't mind the delay.

About the experts - didn't mean for it to sound like another AN. Just felt it would fit that way better than making up an entire news-article. Looks like it didn't quite come out as intended.

You aren't the first to comment on my usage of periods and commas. Seems to be a bad habit I picked up. Am trying to get rid of it, but that's the problem - so far all I've been able to do is "try". Not giving up though !

And .... :rofl: :rofl: that "Random Kitchen OMAKE is Random" is wonderful !!! Ha, ha !!! Good one !!

-chronodekar

EagleCeres · Sep 27, 2012

Take your time Chrono... as much as we all love fiction, real life responsibilities come first.

I've done my share of job interviewing in the not so distant past, and can vouch for the stress and physical/emotional drain they cause. Just take it one step at a time and accentuate the positive!

Best of luck on that job hunt!

BTW: I went ahead and added some of the older micro omakes into a post from the previous chapter.

chronodekar · Sep 29, 2012

@EagleCeres,

I've updated the FF.NET version of the chapter now. Regarding Kanako's hair, I think there is scope for confusion, but I'd rather address that in the next chapter.

<RANT: a computer programmer would understand the following>
As for the interview - I didn't make it. Simple story, the job application was for an android java developer at Samsung. So, for preparation, I study/brush up on my Java fundamentals. Then, for their "technical test" those idiots just ask C-based questions. That too, all about pointers !

WTF ?!?

I'm pissed with that fact that if I had at least glimpsed over my C basics I would have made it too (as it was, I got past the initial rounds). But what kind of a tech company advertises for an Android position and asks C-based questions in the technical round?
<RANT OVER>

Sheesq. I've had my time to gloom about it and right now I'm going out for an ice-cream. Afterwards, I'll start up on chapter-9. That, or I'll play some Torchlight-2 tonight.

-chronodekar

chronodekar · Oct 5, 2012

I've got chapter 9 ready. Here's the link as usual,

<a href='http://goo.gl/e3RH1' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>CHAPTER 9 (PREVIEW): First Impressions</a>

I'm experimenting with URL shortners right now, so don't be worried about where the above points to. It should open you up in the google doc with chapter 9.

This one is the biggest chapter so far (over 15k words!). And I think my best one yet. I've put in 2 anime-only characters in there. Do you recognize them?

By popular request, Fridge-kun & Stove-chan are part of the official cast! Sure, I could have just left them as an omake, but I thought of an amusing way to use them. Have a peek and tell me what you think.

I'm a bit more worried about grammar mistakes this than usual. So, please be on the special look-out for them alright folks?

Oh yeah, nearly forgot - Naru finally enters the story! I'm beginning to wonder if that character is cursed or something. I don't like it when I see her portrayed as some male-hating bitch in other stories and am VERY vocal about my disapproval. Then, when I start writing about her myself ... well, just read and you'll see what I mean.

@EagleCeres,

Can I have an open permission to use any of the omakes you create in my story? Obviously, I'll attribute you if I'm using them, but I want to save myself the bother of asking each the time (Yeah, I'm lazy.) Can I?

Needing a break,
chronodekar

T.L · Oct 6, 2012

Great chapter. What a monster.
I like how Naru on first impression seems to be more bitchy than usual.
To quote Lord Raa, I think that Kanako needs some more molest-me-do.
The hot springs scene needs someone to write a omake. I am useless at writing now.
I remember reading a manga about a doll that was inhabited by an evil sprit just recently, possibly via the magna reading thread.
Have you read this manga chronodekar? and are you going to use some of the ideas here?
Toaster-chan and Fridge-kin :rofl:
Are Kietaro's parents dead. Because that is the impression that I get.

What a marathon. Here is some useless info
4 hours going through the chapter. (I know I am slow)
6 cups of coffee.
8 cigarets.
4 pieces of toast for brunch.
1 load of washing.
1 load of drying.

I know I missed something but I am beat.
W/R

EagleCeres · Oct 6, 2012

You have green light on the omakes, glad you enjoyed them.

I'm a bit concerned about how open and honest Keitaro is about magic around Shinobu, sure, I know she has seen/experienced it one way or another; but (considering other stories and how they keep a lid on magic) he's both quite blasÚ and pretty loose lipped about it... unless they trust Shinobu won't be spilling the beans about magic.

Kanako: fun, refreshing, interesting take on her. I enjoy how playful she is and how shameless she is. Reminds me a bit of Lord Raa's Pervert!Tsuruko only without the age/experience/refined trolling skills.

Motoko: at moments feels a little standoffish toward Kei, but then shortens that distance as if they'd known each other for years. The birth of the fangirl-dom is cute and pretty well done.

Naru... normally I'm not a Naru-basher, but in this case, with that bitchy attitude I wish Motoko had befriended her (Nanoha style), so the geek girl could dial it down a couple of notches.

still not used to seeing those updates on the fly XD

while i barely stopped myself from making a Dr. House Lupus joke...
i just couldn't help the other Omake type shenanigans and multiple entendre :snigger: /shameless :evil2:

chronodekar · Oct 7, 2012

@Without Remorse,

I'll pop in the other section and read that story by Lord Raa. Could use a bit of inspiration for more Kanako scenes.
Your guess is in the right ballpark. The whole "cursed doll" thing IS inspired by a manga. Not sure if it's the same one posted earlier but here's the link again,
<a href='http://www.batoto.net/comic/_/comics/ai-wa-noroi-no-nihon-ningyou-r6700' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Ai wa Noroi no Nihon Ningyou</a>
Obviously there will be changes from the manga but ... anything more would be a spoiler. Sorry.

Keitaro's parents haven't been around for a long time. I'll put up a reminder to that fact in the next chapter or so.
That "useless info" makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks! :wub:

@EagleCeres,

Thanks for permission. I'm still trying to figure out how to squeeze some of those omakes in but at the very least you can be sure that I'm drawing a lot of inspiration from them!

Shinobu's already familar with magic. And while the regular populace don't talk much about it, the police know who to call when something really weird comes up. I thought about keeping it a secret, but it's just more trouble than it's worth for the story, IMO.
Motoko's just warring with herself about her feelings. Likewise for Keitaro. Though, he has the benefit of living with a female (sister) for years and knows how to behave himself. Not exactly the same situation for Motoko.

"updates on the fly" -> We just got lucky that we bumped into each other online. I was checking out the statistics for the link when I noticed someone click on it and you know the rest ... Hopefully, it will happen again more often.

@bespa,

Could you come in here and voice your thoughts? I can't force you, but I like to think that we get a more productive storyline that way. Regardless, I appreciate you pointing out mistakes in the chapter.

@everyone,

I've decided to make a few changes. Or rather corrections with the story. I'm going back and editing the earlier chapters to have Motoko refer to Tsuruko as "Aneue". And instead of "Coaching center" to "preparatory school". I was looking at chapter-1 earlier and frankly found it so horrible that I had to rewrite it. The plot is still the same, but expressed differently. Can I have your thoughts on it? Here's the link,

<a href='http://goo.gl/cFoik' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 1 :The Ronin (version 2)</a>

As for the original version, it's still up on FF.net (or check my signature). I'm a bit worried if I've taken the ... interaction between Tsuruko & Motoko overboard with this second rewrite.

Also - does anyone remember the name of Motoko's sword? I can't recall any of their names.

Just went with a guess for now.

-chronodekar

Lord Raa · Oct 7, 2012

Hmm....

First off, I don't like the author's notes in the main body of the text. It breaks the flow of the story.

Secondly, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

As for content, I'm not in the best position to comment on other people's writing. I don't read that much work for other author's because I don't want to accidentally steal someone's ideas.

Plus, I'm still not in the best position for reading at the moment. Just about got the new PC running.

Though there is one bit that doesn't quite make sense to me:

Not sure why, but I'm missing something here. You've explained what "onee-chan" means, but I'm not seeing why you're not explaining why Tsuruko is sending out packages all the time.

I could have missed that part, as I've only skimmed through the first chapter.

I'm sorry I'm not more help with this, but at least I'm not trolling everyone.

chronodekar · Oct 8, 2012

@Lord Raa,

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my request.

What do you mean by "author's notes in the main body of the text" ? I can understand it breaks the flow, but I keep mine at the top of the chapter. Or do you mean the (meanings) I put in between sometimes? :huh:

Tsuruko has her own reasons. I'm not sure if I'll expand on that at this time.

<_< I'm going to assume that you are referring to my PM as "troll". I'll try to refrain from contacting you in that manner henceforth. I don't do it often, but it's just that I like some of your Tsuruko stories and wanted your opinion on the rewrite of the first chapter.

As for your latest story, I've already left my opinions in the relevant thread.

Thanks again for responding,
-chronodekar

Lord Raa · Oct 8, 2012

chronodekar said:

First off, I wasn't referring to your PM as trolling

zeebee1 tends to troll with his replies.

I am flattered that you contacted me to ask my opinion on things.

I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. I'm not good at helping people with their writing - I don't always spot mistakes and I'm not always good with plots or dialogue for other writers.

As for notes, I do mean things like Shinmei-ryu (Gods' Cry School). If people are reading a Love Hina fic, then they should know what that is and why Aneue, onee-chan, etcetera mean.

I wasn't very clear in my post, and I apologise if I came across as unkind, unfeeling or unhelpful.

chronodekar · Oct 8, 2012

Lord Raa said:

As far as I'm concerned, it's water under the bridge. Let's just forget the ... unpleasantness and put it behind us?

If anyone else is curious about what happened, a certain part of my rewrite of chapter-1 was inspired by Lord Raa's work. I wanted his opinion but due to internet translation issues, the message got garbled beyond recognition in the process.

Moving on, does anyone have a suggestion for some slang I could use for Tsuruko? Earlier I tried having her say "Ara" every once in a while, but that's Mutsumi's preferred word and I want something unique for Tsuruko.

Trying "Ano" for now, but I'm open for any better suggestions?

-chronodekar

EagleCeres · Oct 8, 2012

It's not so much that Tsuruko uses slang... it's more her speech patterns.

If anything she uses the suffix -han (variation of -san, usually used playfully sometimes comes off as slang or as to notate a different regional accent... usually from the Kansai or Okinawa areas).

In the manga she is supposed to use a proper pronunciation, while not directly translated as "ye olde english", she does use more traditional/archaic wording... the whole martial arts grandmaster thing.

In the anime, her (limited) speaking lines tended to either sternly admonish Motoko (ergo: Motoko fears Tsuruko when the elder sister's tone gets serious/overly formal/angry), while always holding herself aloof and innocent from everyone who doesn't know her personally (sounds as placid and harmless as Mutsumi).

chronodekar · Oct 8, 2012

@EagleCeres,

Suffix "-han" it is then. I'll use that as well as a mixture of "Ano" for Tsuruko. Will probably mean more fixes in chapter-3 onwards (when she talks to people other than Motoko).

Did you get the chance to read the chapter-1 rewrite? A highlight is that Tsuruko is a bit more ... physical with Motoko.

Here's the link again,

<a href='http://goo.gl/cFoik' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 1 :The Ronin (version 2)</a>

Oh, and do you remember what Motoko's sword was called by any chance? Apart from the Hina blade, I think there were 3 swords named in the manga. Motoko had two of them (first one broke) while Tsuruko had one. Oddly enough, I can't find any of their names on the internet. Or am I mistaken and they were never given names to begin with? :huh:

-chronodekar

EagleCeres · Oct 8, 2012

Motoko's original (canon) sword was Shisui.

Love Hina Wiki said:

The Shisui (?? Calm Water) is a white-wood Shirasaya (a katana without a tsuba/guard) wielded by Motoko Aoyama throughout Love Hina.
Its design is typical of the swords found in the Shinmei-ryu School of Swordsmanship, possessing two bells tied with red string at the base of the grip.

Originally Tsuruko AoyamaÆs favoured sword, she passed the Shisui on to her sister, Motoko, as a farewell gift before leaving to embark on missions for the school.

chronodekar · Oct 26, 2012

I just finished writing a monster 14000+ word chapter and began proof reading it. To my absolute horror, I could not bring myself to read beyond the first 3 sentences.

There is some good stuff to read in here, but scanning through it at glance, I'm wondering why it turned out to be a sequence of facts. :headbanger:

Could be that I'm too tired to make proper judgements, but for now I'm planning to restart the chapter. Hopefully, I'll be able to write something I enjoy reading this time.

A real pity too. I was looking forward to see what omakes EagleCeres would make this time. Damn.

-chronodekar

chronodekar · Oct 29, 2012

My laziness got the better of me. Instead of throwing away what I wrote, I tried to "fix" it. Frankly, I do not like some of the dialog scenes, but I have a headache at the moment and could be making mistakes. Here's the link,

<a href='http://goo.gl/vYLdH' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Chapter 10 (PREVIEW): Start of a Promise</a>

Other than the usual fixes, please tell me if I need to delete or entirely redo any of the scenes.

There is a LOT of Kanako silliness in this chapter. As well plot progression (introduction of a new face).

-chronodekar

rukia8492 · Oct 29, 2012

reading and editing now.

i got to the end chrono, and i liked it so far. what kinds of edits are you thining of doing?

chronodekar · Oct 29, 2012

Let me ask this instead,

* what were the most favorite or memorable scenes in chapter 10?
* which scenes do you feel "dragged on" or need deleting?
* is the writing style consistent throughout the chapter?
+ and any other comments worth mentioning.

Personally, I feel that the opening kitchen scene including the interaction with Motoko + Kanako was done well. And the final doll/school-storehouse scenes. Everything else, just feels off. And the bigger irony is that both those scenes have been done in two different styles. As the chapter currently stands, it doesn't fit to me.

Basically, I'm not asking about grammar/spelling but the storytelling. Honestly, I'm not satisfied with how chapter-10 turned out in that manner.

I pushed it out here hoping that you folks could point out what you liked and what you didn't like.

Actually, on a simple level, that IS what I need to know. What scenes did you like and not like rukia8492? (feel free to nit-pick)

-chronodekar

rukia8492 · Oct 29, 2012

honestly i think the scene where motoko got forced into a dress by kanako should be kept as it was both funny and flowed with it a bit.

honestly the doll fight scene did feel a bit disjointed and needs to flow a bit better.

T.L · Oct 30, 2012

Hmmmmm

Enjoyed the following,
The dress scene and I feel that this needs to be fleshed out further.
The scenes with toaster-chan and check my comments on the document.
Kanako's comments during the battle scene.
Bitchy Naru.

The fight scene wasn't too bad but why didn't Motoko have her extendable bokken with her? I assume that it is metallic? or just a reminder that Motoko uses magic too.
The scenes about Sachiyo and Emi, unless there is a plot development regarding them then that whole scene is just unnecessary, In my opinion.

The start although well written just seems to rehash what has been happening over the past few chapters. Lost of fluff and unnecessary scenes that don't seem to fit with the actual plot progression.

After getting this far the plot seems to be just barely ticking over, in favor of a day in the life of the AU Hinata.

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh but with that chapter, I felt like skipping over a lot just to get to the actual plot.

W/R

chronodekar · Oct 30, 2012

Without Remorse said:

Looks like I'll need to re-write the whole thing. Or at least, rehash a lot of stuff. Much as I like fluff, the pace of the plot is irritating me as well.

Haven't seen your comments yet, but will check them out tomorrow morning.

About the extendable bokken - I meant that as wooden, do the earlier chapters indicate its metallic? :huh:

-chronodekar

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