- Kudos
- Shinobu NOT being little miss home maker, great subversion of her usual role.
Sure she can bake a mean cupcake, but she isn't DAS UBER kitchen mini-goddess. Great way to foster the friendship with Keitaro. - Funny shout outs/easter eggs
(Iron Chef, that guy from Fuyuki City, old game systems, magic circles) - Food/Appliance play! Giggity!
- School Uniform shenanigans
What needs work - Still needs a little more show and less tell.
Example: breakfast scene when Kanako takes out the OJ from the fridge, then a glass, then pours... very descriptive, but a little too wordy. - Transitions in between time/date.
It feels a little abrupt when you close out one scene, then start the next with a subtitle dictating a new time/date/place.
Maybe it's just me, but I feel that literary tool doesn't seem to match with the flow of your story or the particular writing style used here.
Other points of note - Kanako feels a lot less like the goth chick everyone usually portrays her as. Not a bad thing, tho at moments she feels very excitable; picking up the slack for the missing Kaolla, maybe? Also her playful, brazen, shameless, but mostly candid attitude toward romance and sexuality (and porn!) somewhat gives me a Kitsune vibe. You might be called up on that later on if/when you bring them into the story.
- Naru... antisocial much? I understand Motoko trying to grow her circle of friends, but Naru is being downright hostile if not just bitchy, at least she's keeping the venom to herself. Motoko seems to be soldiering on, trying to get the angry nerd to open up a bit; at moments I wish the ronin the best of luck, at other times I kinda wish she cut her loses and moved on. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Possible Ideas for Omakes - Keitaro comments on Kanako's new way of addressing Motoko (Onee-san). She fires back something about him being non commital to the point that she (and their parents) began to think he might be ghei (not that there's anything bad about it). Kei acting somewhat miffed, then Kanako spouting off a list of at least 32 different girls SHE'S tried to hook him up with within the past 3-5 years. Shinobu is impressed at him holding back. Motoko might get concerned as HE may be even MORE high maintenance than she first expected. Fridge-kun is proud that their master is/was such a pimp... only for Toaster-chan to ask "what's a pimp"?
The issue may be that in the world building you have been giving for this AU story, it may be taking too long to iron out all the details and make it all nice and neat before progressing to the next step in the plot; that may be a big turn off to some of the readers, as the pace may feel like "one step forward, 2-3 mambo steps sideways".
One concern I pick up from your notes (here and in doc), is that you seem to feel at odds with your style. One moment you're doing slice of life between Keitaro and Motoko (with Shinobu and Kanako for aditional d'aaawz and lulz), but then when it's time for action/plot advancement you segue into them in well enough to maintain a balance.
Don't worry it hasn't been a manic shift between these two genres, I believe someone/everyone here would have already called you out on it if were THAT bipolar. You have been ramping up/down the action and drama at key moments that it feels like a natural shift, yet kept enough room for light hearted family oriented moments (with lulz here an there).
One thing I do point out, and THIS is just personal. The little resumÚ/"previously on R&S" blurb at the beginning of each chapter, it seems to detract from jumping into the episode proper. If people jump into a story mid way through, I would tell them to should stop reading and go back to the begining and start properly reading the chapters in order, that way they won't miss character development and possibly lampshaded plot points.
