And here's the next part of their incredibly non-epic adventure!
Just to be clear, I have no actual knowledge of how girls do laundry, so I'm just guessing at what the "delicate" cycle is for.
"You enter the laundromat, dragging your gore-stained dirty clothes behind you wearily," Yukari said as she described the next setting, "all except for you, Evil Moka, who looks rather stunning in your new coat. Although you are fairly blood-soaked as well."
"I don't suppose wolf fur is machine-washable, is it?" Evil Moka asked, looking quite satisfied with herself.
"No, you're going to want that dry-cleaned," Yukari confirmed.
"Your manager is... pretty good at fighting," Kurumu mumbled, looking distressed at the state of her character.
"Business isn't for the meek," the vampiress said, her eyes narrowing, "fighting bloodthirsty animals is nothing compared to a serious corporate restructuring."
Tsukune leaned over to Ranma and whispered inconspicuously, "is it just me, or is Evil Moka actually getting into this?"
"I don't know why you're surprised," Ranma mumbled back, "if I was locked in a piece of jewelry with no one but Moka to talk to, I'd LEAP at the chance to spend time with other people."
"I can hear you, you know," Evil Moka drawled, causing Tsukune to wince and Ranma to shrug.
"Okay, so all of you except Senpai are in the laundromat. You see rows upon rows of washing machines and dryers, a coin machine, and a vending machine that dispenses detergent and fabric softener."
Then Yukari turned toward Tsukune. "Tsukune, as you took considerable damage from the encounter, all of your rolls will have a -2 penalty."
Tsukune shrugged. "Okay, well, I doubt that I'll be making many rolls to do laundry, so that's fine. Still, it'd be nice to have a nurse around."
"Pardon me for not choosing a skill set to compensate for the weakness of others," Evil Moka said, rolling her eyes.
"You did kind of suck in that battle, man," Kouma admitted, "I mean, you didn't even have a weapon!"
"I'm an accountant. And a human. There's no reason for me to have a weapon," Tsukune groused.
"Really? So humans never get into fights just walking down the street?" Kurumu asked curiously.
"Sure we do," Ranma said before his roommate could answer, "he's just saying that humans don't need to have a weapon to defend themselves. We can easily fight with our bare hands."
"No, that's not..." Tsukune trailed off for a moment, recognizing the futility of continuing to argue. "Oh, whatever. How are you doing in the hardware store?"
"Senpai's carpenter has discovered an upgrade chain in the chainsaw section," Yukari explained.
"Well, I hardly think I need a new chain, since I bought one last-" Ranma began before Yukari cut him off.
"This special alloy chain has heavy teeth which can exert much more force before jamming or chipping," Yukari explained, "if you get the upgrade, your chainsaw will be able to cut through most metals."
Ranma's previous thought promptly vanished. "Uh... And how much does it cost?"
"Ranma, we're just doing laundry, here," Kurumu deadpanned.
"But there are wolves around!" Ranma protested in return.
Tsukune started to speak, but then thought the better of it and just sighed instead.
"I can tell you from personal experience that the wolves' hides are not exceptionally well-armored," Evil Moka said, looking bored again as she waited for Ranma's situation to be resolved.
"Okay, okay, fine. No chainsaw upgrades," Ranma grumbled, "but don't blame me if we get attacked by robots or something and Evil Moka's scissors can't hold them off," he warned.
"Don't be a fool," Evil Moka quipped, "of course we'll blame you. Now hurry up and join us."
Ranma grated his teeth for a moment before tossing his D20. "Rolling to escape the accursed hardware store."
Yukari blinked. "Ooh, a 20! You successfully escape, Senpai, and rush to join the others."
"Okay, well, I'm going to go ahead and put my dirty clothes in the washing machine," Tsukune said, finally drawing attention back to the main event. "Oh! And I'll put Ranma's clothes in a different machine!"
Kouma frowned. "Uh... My lawyer watches his accountant and does whatever she does."
"Whoa! Hey, wait!" Kurumu said suddenly, chopping a hand down in front of her would-be lover, "Tsukune, what are you doing?"
Tsukune blinked. "Laundry? Is something wrong?"
"You're a woman now, remember? You can't just dump everything into one load and start up the machine! What would happen to all your lingerie?" Kurumu asked, scandalized.
Tsukune stared blankly at her. "Uh... I have no idea."
Evil Moka sighed. "Tsukune, why do you think they have different cycle settings on washing machines in the first place?"
"Underwear uses the delicate cycle! You have to separate it from the other clothes! And make sure to wash bright colors separate from your whites!"
The young human said nothing, completely clueless and honestly quite stunned that he was being lectured on the use of everyday technology by a vampire and a succubus.
"Wait, are you serious? Why go through all that trouble?" Kouma asked.
The disdainful stares the two girls gave him immediately caused the hellhound to hang his head in embarrassment.
"Men," Kurumu snorted, "you have no idea how hard it is to be a girl."
"Take note, Tsukune," Evil Moka said as she straightened and ran a hand through her hair, "if you're going to be roleplaying as one of us, then you'll experience a small taste of our burden, at least."
Tsukune and Kouma glanced over to Yukari.
"Don't look at me," the pre-teen said, "I just magic all my stuff clean."
Their gazes slowly shifted further, meeting Ranma's irritated gaze.
"I always turn back before I have to deal with the complicated things," Ranma said bluntly.
Kurumu tapped her chin with a finger. "So you've never experimented with-"
"Is my carpenter at the laundromat yet?" Ranma asked Yukari, quite deliberately cutting Kurumu off.
"Yes. He walks in and sees the maid and the manager explaining laundry to the accountant," Yukari explains.
"Cool. My carpenter gets some detergent from the vending machine and dumps it in the machine," Ranma explained.
"How much do you use?" Yukari asked.
Ranma shrugged. "Half, I guess. Then my carpenter closes the machine."
"Aren't you even going to check the bottle to see how much you're supposed to use?" Kurumu asked.
"I'll do my laundry like a MAN, thank you very much," Ranma said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Which means no reading?" Evil Moka asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Which means I'm not going to turn a simple chore into freaking brain surgery," Ranma said snidely, "just put your stuff in the machine and hit go. As long as it gets clean, who cares?"
"Evil Moka, you may slap Ranma, if you want," Yukari said suddenly.
SMACK! The other players winced as Ranma went flying across the room and crashed heavily into the wall.
"Er... I meant in the game," Yukari said a bit awkwardly.
"No thanks, I'm good now," Evil Moka said, smiling brightly.
"Well, I'm going to do my laundry like the hippie," Kouma explained, "so I take the other half of the detergent and dump it in."
As Ranma got up and walked back to his seat wordlessly, Yukari looked over her notes.
"All right. You see a dial that has four settings: hot, cold, permanent press, and delicate."
Kouma started to sweat. "Uh... I... I ask my companions for advice!"
"Haven't you ever done laundry before? In the real world?" Tsukune asked, surprised by how nervous the hellhound was.
"No! I always have my gofer do it!" Kouma admitted.
"You have a gofer?" Kurumu asked, perplexed, "why would anyone do jobs for YOU?"
"Well, outside of you psychos, I actually AM a pretty strong and respected student, you know," the hellhound said irritably, "and imps will do work for anyone not likely to eat them."
"All right, whatever, shut up," Ranma said, rubbing his badly bruised cheek, "just do what I do. What setting is my dial on?"
"Perament press," Yukari said.
"That's fine. My carpenter feeds coins into the washing machine and then hits the start button."
"Okay! The machine starts up! Kouma, is your lawyer doing the same thing?"
"... I'm thinking," the hellhound murmured.
"About what? Just run it, already," Ranma said.
"But it says permanent press! Permanent! If I screw this up now my entire wardrobe is done for!"
"My carpenter gives up on teaching the lawyer anything, ever," Ranma said.
"Probably wise," Kurumu admitted. "My maid divides up her and and Evil Moka's clothes into underwear, darks, and bright colors."
"You're going to use three machines?" Tsukune asked.
"No, I'm going to use SIX machines. I don't want the manager's clothes mixed in with mine," Kurumu explained.
"All right, you fill up the machines," Yukari said, "however, you then realize that you only have enough coins for the last two of them."
Kurumu turned toward Evil Moka. "Hey, help me out here! I'm doing your laundry too!"
The vampiress snorted. "You're asking me for coins? Don't be absurd. I don't carry anything smaller than a 10,000 yen bill."
Yukari looked surprised. "Really? But your character sheet should only list your total cash, not denominations. Ordinarily it would be up to me to-"
"I'm well aware. But I'm telling you that my manager wouldn't deign to keep change on her person," Evil Moka insisted.
"So... you're creating an unnecessary obstacle for the party just so that your character looks more like a snob?" Ranma asked.
"It's called 'roleplaying,'" Evil Moka said, smirking proudly.
"Well-played, Evil Moka. You gain 200 bonus XP," Yukari said.
Kouma groaned pitifully.
"So then what are we going to do about coins?" Kurumu demanded, drawing the group back to the immediate problem.
"Establishments such as these usually possess machines to change bills, don't they?" Evil Moka asked, "otherwise everyone would need to go to the bank just to wash their clothes."
"Good observation, Evil Moka," Yukari said, nodding, "in fact, there is a change machine, but it seems someone has put gum in the bill slot, blocking it."
The vampiress clicked her tongue. "Well, it's no matter. We have the tools to deal with this problem."
Tsukune nodded. "Yeah, if you use that letter opener to-"
"Such a small weapon can't break the machine open," Evil Moka interrupted.
"But you don't need to brea-"
Once again Evil Moka interrupted him. "Hippie carpenter. Once again, your chainsaw is required to resolve our problem."
"Uh huh," Ranma drawled, "hey, GM, quick question: what's the machine made out of?"
"Aluminum."
The other players - save Tsukune, who was holding his head in his hands and restraining his urge to scream - winced as Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"Well, well, well. And my poor carpenter only has a flimsy non-upgraded chainsaw that can't cut through aluminum, right GM?" Ranma asked.
"Correct! I believe this situation is best described by ruleset 6.8, under the heading section 'irony'."
"Look. We don't need you to saw through the machine," Tsukune said, once again trying to appeal to the common sense of his friends, "all we need to do is get rid of the gum."
"Ah! Right! Good idea, Tsukune!" Kurumu said brightly as Evil Moka nodded.
"You're correct. Hippie carpenter, use your chainsaw on the gum," the silver tressed girl demanded, causing Tsukune to facepalm yet again.
"It wouldn't cause damage to say 'please,' you know," Ranma grumbled as he picked up his D20. "Rolling to chainsaw gum."
The other players watched and then winced as the die landed on a 1.
"As you swing your chainsaw around, Senpai, the handle suddenly breaks off, sending the entire machine flying at..." Yukari tapped her chin as her gaze shifted from person to person, "at Kouma."
"Guh!" The hellhound groaned as Yukari started picking up and rolling dice. "Why me?"
"Discrimination, mostly," the young witch admitted. "You take 18 damage."
"Damn it! I'm unconscious and bleeding!"
Ranma frowned. "Okay, well... That was my fault, so I guess I'll try to stop the bleeding. After I pick up my chainsaw, of course."
"Of course. Roll your medicine check to perform first aid," Yukari instructed.
Ranma did so, and Kouma breathed a sigh of relief when the twenty-sided die came up on a 20.
"Very good! Kouma, your lawyer is alive and stable but unconscious."
"Hey... Ranma? You know, I only just noticed, but..." Tsukune scratched his head, "is it just me, or do you only ever seem to roll really well or really poorly? I don't think I've ever seen you roll anything between 3 and 18."
"It's the weakness of my rolling technique," Ranma admitted, clenching his fist regrettfully, "while I can get short streaks of amazing rolls at a time, they're always followed by really bad ones. On a side note, the technique is called 'Crit or Miss'!"
Evil Moka considered that information briefly before her eyes narrowed. "The vast majority of tasks in this game only require mediocre rolls to succeed. Even a poor roll will sometimes suffice, if the task is one that a given character excels at. By limiting yourself to either fantastic success or complete failure, doesn't your technique decrease your performance overall, and negate any advantage offered by your character class?"
Ranma was silent for a few seconds, and then his eyes narrowed as well. "Shut up! I defeated cancer!"
Evil Mopka snorted. "Whatever. Back to the task at hand."
"But how are we going to get the gum out without Ranma's chainsaw?" Kurumu asked. "He rolled a 20 before, so his next roll will probably be a 1!"
"You can use the-" yet again Tsukune was cut off and ignored as Evil Moka spoke.
"I have a solution that makes use of the current debacle," the vampiress reassured the other schoolgirl, "my manager loots the lawyer's body for cash."
"HEY!" Kouma growled. "I'm not dead!"
"Kouma's right, Evil Moka," Yukari agreed, nodding her head, "since he's still alive, taking his money isn't looting, it's just theft."
Evil Moka raised an eyebrow. "But I can still do it, right?"
"Sure! You take all of Kouma's pocket money, which includes enough coins to run the machines."
Black smoke started to seep from between Kouma's teeth as he stewed silently, gripping his character sheet so tightly that it looked about to tear. "I hate you all."
"Your ire is duly noted. Gamemaster, my manager gives the servant as many coins as she needs to finish her task," the silver-tressed girl said.
"Um, my accountant makes a note of how much money was removed, and marks it down so that it can be repaid later," Tsukune said, startling the other players.
Kouma was fairly stunned, and even caught a teardrop coming out of his eye before he wiped it away. "Th... Thanks, Aono. I... I appreciate it," the hellhound said awkwardly, unused to being exposed to acts of good will.
"Well, it's only right," Tsukune reasoned, "and besides, it's the first time my accountant has gotten the chance to use her skills."
Evil Moka's eyes narrowed. "My manager uses her kickback power on the accountant."
Tsukune flinched startled. "Wh-huh?"
Before he could offer a more coherent protest, Evil Moka tossed her D20. "I got a fourteen after bonuses. How much damage do I inflict?"
"The kickback power doesn't cause damage," Yukari explained, much to Evil Moka's confusion, "it's basically a bribe."
"But then how am I to kick people so that they know their place?" the vampiress asked.
"That's the 'Right-sizing' power. You didn't choose that one."
"Curses!" Evil Moka slammed a fist onto the table, causing the surface to shudder as the legs almost buckled. "Undone by the jargon of my own trade!"
"You're right, she IS really into this," Kurumu whispered to Tsukune.
"Hey, GM, is my laundry done yet? I need to get a head start on the way back home just in case I get caught by the hardware store again," Ranma asked.
"All right Senpai, make a chore roll, and I'll add a modifier based on your cycle choice and detergent use," Yukari explained.
Ranma did so, and Kurumu groaned as the D20 landed on a 1 once again.
"Okay, well, forget the modifiers then," Yukari mumbled. "Give me a minute to look up the right disaster table."
"Are you still using that idiotic technique?" Evil Moka deadpanned.
"Are you still not shutting up?" Ranma snapped back, though he looked fairly depressed about the outcome.
"Well, Moka does have a point about your never rolling an average number," Tsukune reasoned, "so maybe you shouldn't use it for now."
"But I never learned that technique!" Ranma protested, "I mean, what good is a skill that makes you be average all the time?"
"We could call it Aono-fu!" Yukari declared, "but, seriously, from a practical standpoint, that would be incredibly useful. By the way, the washing machine starts rumbling ominously as suds seep from the lid."
"My carpenter dives for cover," Ranma said.
"My accountant joins him," Tsukune said.
"My manager follows the hippie carpenter and uses him as a shield," Evil Moka said.
"My maid hides underneath a laundry basket," Kurumu said.
"And my lawyer-"
"Is still knocked out," interrupted Yukari, "and, might I add, right next to the washing machine in question because you were trying to mimic Senpai."
"W-Wait, I didn't-" Kouma's protest died in his throat as Yukari started rolling dice.
"So! With a wretched gurgle, the door of the washing machine is blasted free of its hinges, and the machine bulges horribly as the pressure inide becomes too much for the device to bear. With a sudden BANG, the washing machine explodes in a burst of soap and metal shards!"
There was a long, awkward silence as Kouma stared blankly at the HP total on his character sheet.
"Okay, fine, so maybe I should read the instructions on the bottle," Ranma grumbled.
"Kouma, your lawyer takes 15 damage. He's dead."
Fwoof! Kouma's character sheet suddenly lit on fire as he grit his teeth, his canines unconsciously lengthening into curved, knife-like fangs.
"Did we seriously just get someone killed doing laundry?" Tsukune deadpanned, covering his face with his palms.
"Hmph. What a shoddy facility," Evil Moka said contemptuously, "we should sue the owner for... Oh. Right."
"Well, I'm going to clean up the body before the police arrive," Kurumu said, "looks like we failed the quest."
"No, only Ranma and Kouma. And non-evil Moka too, I guess, since she skipped this session. The other washing machines are okay, and since you managed to take Kouma's money before he died, you should be able to finish up by the time the coroner arrives for the body," Yukari explained at length.
"Aw, man! That means I probably won't level up this session," Ranma complained, seemingly oblivious as Kouma turned a death glare on him, "just my luck."
"I WILL DRAG YOU TO HELL AND PISS ON YOUR SOUL!" Kouma shouted, his voice booming and his eyes turning a bright, solid crimson as he lunged across the table at the pigtailed boy.
Tsukune sighed and flinched away from a flare of heat as the two other boys started brawling in earnest. "Why don't we leave it at this for now? I need to go find some more fire extinguishers."
"Very well," Evil Moka said, standing up and idly running a hand through her hair, "so then this session is over?"
"I guess so. See you next week?" Kurumu asked, feeling a bit awkward talking to the silver-haired, relentlessly aggressive form of her friend.
"It depends on whether there's something in the hall for Tsukune to 'trip' on," Evil Moka said frankly, "anyway, if we're done..."
Then she turned around and launched herself toward Kouma and Ranma, her body already twisting into a kick. "Noisy cretins! Know your place!"
Yukari hummed to herself as she put away her papers, though the sound was mostly swallowed up by the sound of the wall collapsing. 'We'll probaby need a new meeting place. There won't be much left of this one.'
