What's annoying me at the moment is the fact that not everyone's reading all of my author notes or the original storyline for FoZ. This wouldn't annoy me so much if I didn't get reviews berating my work for actions already explained:
First and foremost, just because you "explained" it doesn't mean reviewers will accept that as a valid answer.
'And your Louise is so bitchy. To chain three kid like that is too much.' (bakapervert)
I'm not saying that bakapervert's a bad guy; however, in episode 2 of FoZ, Saito is chained up after he tried to run away. So chaining Fuka and Fumika for the same reasons, plus Negi for stripper sneeze, is completely canon to Louise's nature.
And it's massively OOC for Negi to not demand Louise to release his students. In fact, were talking about the same Negi who, in a near death state, ripped a stone spike that pierced through his lung and body and knocked the ** out of Fate with it just as he tried to petrify Setsuna.
You don't mess with Negi's students while Negi's around. Especially the unmagically aligned ones. That he hasn't said anything show you really don't understand the character and are trying to shoehorn him into an ill-fitting mold.
That's not wat convinced be to write this. The following post by Anynom Ragnarok, however, did:
'I must admit, I'm very disappointed. You're almost sticking directly to the canon timeline, and Louise is going far beyond borderline cruel with the different people. I don't think the children in Medieval times did stuff like that for no reason, and I would imagine that Luise's world, while medieval, isn't as grimdark as the real workd.
I mention again keeping to the canon timeline almost exactly. Even after Negi doing his stripping sneeze, which should definitely stink of magic, at least to Kirche, Louise blows it off like it's nothing.
And several viewers before brought up the issue of some people getting sucked up with Negi when they weren't anywhere nearby the Gateport incident.
And the whole staff issue? Really, it seems like Louise is blowing off every indication that Negi can use magic.
You have a very long way to go before this fic will go anywhere good in my opinion.'
First of all, in a fic like this, you almost have to stick to the canonnical timeline, especially in the early stages. I'm also melding three canons into one, since I'm using the light novels, the anime, AND the manga, all which have a different take on each scene. And it's not like I'm giving Negi Saito's lines word for word, either; they're spread around between his students.
See bakapervert for Louise's inhumane actions.
Mistake number one: You're trying to meld three different versions of the same universe into one story. Not going to work. You choose one universe -- light novel, anime, or manga -- and work from that. If something cool happens from another variant of the universe that doesn't happen in your base universe, go ahead and use it if it doesn't create conflict of the timeline/universe and doesn't interfere with the characters' natures.
Mistake number two: forcing Negiverse characters into the ZnT world without taking into consideration their actions and responses. You do not have to follow canonical timelines if the injected characters would react differently. People that think like that are uncreative and are going to make someone grossly OOC, no matter what they do. And you're also forcefeeding them Saito's lines and behaviors just for the sake of retaining this timeline. That's character rape. As I said before, do you expect me, someone who has read Negima, believe that Negi isn't going to say ** to Louise about chaining his students up like prisoners on a chain gang just because they wandered off?
Second, what does a train ride, the classroom, and a volleyball all have in common? They are all incidents when Negi had his tremendous sneeze. Never once did anyone who didn't know magic in those sneezes think that it was caused by magic.
Mistake number three: Mahora students at the time were ignorant of magic, and it was supposed to remain a huge masquerade that way. Consequentally, in the ZnT world, Magic is actually pretty damn well known. And despite Louise's seeming lack of talent for magic, she's quite knowledgeable about magic, magic theory, artifacts, summons and the various forms of magic. And there's no way in hell a commoner can sneeze hard enough to blow away people's clothing without the use of magic. At the very least, she's going to suspect something is very wrong with Negi, and his claims of being a magic user would seem a bit more true.
Which will also horrify her, as she's treating a noble like a common pet.
Next, the fact that I specifically used seven characters that did not go to the magic world. gwonbush brought it up last chapter, and I answered it:
'Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I say that I'd get to it at a later date? I'll have it explained in chapter 4.'
Considering those seven weren't anywhere near any magic portals, you might want to explain some of that very quickly and go into full details in chapter 4. Things of that nature aren't easily accepted as "all part of the story" and require some immediate explanation in order to retain author credibility.
Of course, IIRC, the ones not at Gate Port didn't have pactios, either. Which demands more explanation than why people who were no where near the incident ending up in the ZnT world.
Then the thing about tthe staff. I'll have Kirche explain this one:
"Tabitha, anyone could get their hands on a staff that's similar toà"
**. Total and utter **.
Negi can call his staff to him at any time. Louise can try to take it from him, but two words and it'll be back in his hands. Not to mention he can just fly away from her and completely shatter her belief that he's a a mere commoner. And even then, Negi doesn't need his staff to do magic; he has that ring which works just as well.
Again, you're attempting to shoehorn the Negima characters into Saitos role in canon ZnT timeline so you don't have to "disrupt" anything. You even go so far as to make Louise confiscate every magical item from everyone so they can't show off magic and break the mold. If I want canon ZnT storyline, I'd just read canon ZnT material.
You completely missed the point of writing a crossover/fusion. It's not about making the interlopers behave like canon; it's explicitly about how the interlopers would react in a world not like their own. And let's say, Negi wouldn't be too pleased with what's going on here.
You see? By just simply reading the chapter CAREFULLY, and doing research on canon, all the questions are answered. What really gets under my skin, however, is the last sentence. After all the pro-canon points he misses, he/she goes on to say that this will go nowhere? It's easy to spot a bad fanfic. They usually have no core plotline, major errors, and massive OOCness. To my knowledge (and please, correct me if I'm wrong on this), this has yet to show any of that.
The fact that you're forcing eight character to take up Saito's role is a massive OOC moment. Negi not saying anything at the cruel treatment of his students is a massive OOC moment. Louise not even blinking at the fact that a "commoner" can sneeze off her clothes and not think something is grossly amiss is a massive OOC moment. Taking all their magical items (and Negi not even attempting to draw back his staff, regardless whether or not he needs to use it) is a massive OOC moment. I only read one and a half chapters, but you made a great number of OOC moments, not to mention plot twists that make no sense, as they're not even touched upon in my reading, giving people not associated with magic pactio contracts (to the twins, its just a pretty card -- they weren't taught how to use it, and I don't think the pactio would work anyway, since it was botched off a faux Negi).
Also remember how Negima seemed to be goig the way of Love Hina for the first two volumes, and then suddenly changed to the primary plotline.
This might be a news flash for you, but the truth is this -- Akamatsu wanted to write a shonen action series. His editors wanted him to make another romantic harem comedy. So, Akmatsu got creative -- he gave them what appeared to be another romantic harem, then slowly changed things until it became a shonen action series. Even better, his editors couldn't do anything about the conversion because the series had gotten popular.
The main storyline didn't change so much as it was never the real objective in the first place. The core of the story is Negi trying to become a great magister like his legendary father.
The question I have for you is, what kind of story are you trying to write with this mashup? You know what? i cant tell. All you've done is shoehorn Negima characters into Saito's role and stole away anything that might make them Negima characters. What makes this bad is that there are unexplained, improbable twists thrown into the story that makes little sense, and saying you'll explain it later does nothing for me as a reader. Mysterious pasts, you can explain later. How he executed some trick, you can explain later. Seemingly random characters showing up when there's not even a remotely plausible reason as to why they're here, you explain now. Otherwise, don't look surprised when you get called out on wankery.
I'm hugely sorry that I've had to take a post and write all this. Again, I do not mean any badness for the author and Anynom listed above. But I just needed to vent out my anger here, rather than in the middle of the story. I was in an argument with an author back in my Anynom days. I don't want to repeat it as an author.
I don't know what kind of argument you had back in the day, but you're not helping your case any by assuming you're in the right just because you're writing this story. If one person tells you something is wrong with the story, that's a coincidence. If two people are telling you something is wrong with the story, that's a pattern, and if three people are descrbing the same problem, you might want to stick your ego in the backseat (or in the trunk) and start listening up. Because somewhere down the line, you went wrong. Don't assume you know what you're doing; just step back, read what everyone's saying and start addressing things with a neutral critical eye like you're the reader. If you can't do that, then you have no business tryng to pass yourself off as a writer.
