The TFF Shinji

[Grunt]

Well some of you might have noticed the discussion about how shinji might have become if he had been raised by a forum member.

Hawk, may he continue to amuse and astound us forever more, decided to share with us his idea of shinji being raised by his *ehh good questions let's settle with SI*


Now while this can be considered a great step forward, it was but a single step. The time has come for the rest of us to think about it and bring back glory to the *Shinji has a backbone* *SI Character solves all problems* genre.

Write how a shinji you raised would think, act and peep on Misato, Ritsuko or anyone remotely female and good looking.

The crazier the better. I dare anyone to write a shinji that's not perverted :snigger:

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

Oh dear.

"...But we don't have a pilot!"

"We just received one."

"You can't be serious..."

"Shinji Ikari."

"Yeah?"

"YOU will pilot it."

"...Is that thing capable of goosestepping?"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. Will I get paid?"

"Yes."

"I'm in."

"Ah, magnificent! Wagner and a fine German bitch! I feel like I could invade Poland!"

"I thought you were fascist?"

"That was yesterday. I'm a communist now."

"...Why?"

"I get political swings like Asuka gets mood swings."

"I DO NOT GET MOOD SWINGS! ...Can we go cleanse the inferior races now, Mein F?hrer?"

 

[Grunt]

Heh I should have known. :snigger:

"I get political swings like Asuka gets mood swings."

I love it. :yay:

Though its F?hrer not Furher, but who cares anyway :snigger:

 

[nuclear death frog]

The tongue-in-cheek answer:

Since Gendo's big plan was essentially to be reunited with his dead wife, he gets his throat slashed in the first meeting.

And then we go from there.

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

Or this idea: Gendo is still Gendo (Gendo Rokubungi/Ikari, husband of Yui Ikari, father of Shinji Ikaru, commander of NERV, etc.), but has the personality of *insert random TFF member here*.

 

[Mighty Bob]

Interesting idea, but would humanity be any more likely to survive within this scenario? Or would the budget for Nerv just be wasted on things like beer, women, multiple Reiquariums, and more of the same.

Actually I'm not that fond of humanity in the first place, so I guess those don't really count as 'waste' per-say.

 

[SimmyC]

Shinji: So, after I've caught up on reading Bleach, than what?

SimmyC: Write fanfics on it?

Shinji: Um... okay. And where should I have this life size Belldandy cutout to?

SimmyC: ~ Huh? Oh um, over there.

Shinji: ZOMG! Angel's going to attack! What should we do?

SimmyC: Huh? Angel attack? We should fight it?

Shinji: When?

SimmyC: When we have the time silly. ^_^ Now... oooooooo. New Bleach chapter is out! Have to read that first!

Shinji: Um, okay?

 

[Grunt]

Brilliant. :lol:

Screw humanity, there's always time for a new chapter. :snigger:

 

[Fatuous One]

Gendo: You must pilot it.

Shinji: Bah, no way in hell. In that thing? God, that "Eva" is only slightly less ugly then that "Angel" creature, like they're some inbred bastard siblings. And let's not EVEN mention that god-awful color scheme, who painted it, a color-blind dyslexic retard? I'm not piloting it.

Gendo: Th-

Shinji: Also, I'd like to say that you look like an idiot. God, you DO know that the 80s are over by a good thirty years, right? And trim your bread for god's sake you look like a bum.

Gendo: ...

Shinji: I bet you designed this building, didn't you? The defenses are shoddy, that "Angel" 'll probably be down here in a little under an hour, and I bet human forces would take less then thirty minutes to breach all of its crappy defenses. Talk about weak, although I'd expect nothing less from you, couldn't work yourself out of a wet paper bag.

Gendo: ...

Shinji: You know what? Screw this. *pulls out a cellphone* Hi, Mom? Can you send Dad over? There's this big thing that needs to get blown up. 'kay? Thanks, bye!

Gendo: ...

*Overhead there's a large explosion*

Shinji: Okay, Angel's gone. I'm out of here. *Walks out*

Gendo: ...

Shinji: *From out in the hall* OH MY GOD! *sounds of various crashes* You're so CUTE! *heals* You're definitely coming home with me. Gonna hug ya, and squeeze ya, and call ya... uhh... what's your name now?

Rei: ...!?

Gendo: ...

---

Hmm, no. The world is definitely better off with me NOT trying to write anything like this again.

 

[toraneko]

Thank you. That was just the right dosage of crack to lift my spirits. :lol:

 

[John Tannius]

Gendo: Do you know why I called you here?

Shinji: Because you finally decided to start paying your child support?

Gendo (taken aback):Uh no...

Shinji: Didn't think so (f*cking deadbeat) Let me guess, it has to do with this giant robot that you have painted up like the Joker, do you have a batman one too?

Gendo:Ah, no. I want you to pilot it. You must pilot it to save mankind from destruction.

Shinji: Hmmm, giant robot. Big guns, fighting. I'll be famous right?

Misato (trying to be helpful): Of course! Girls will be all over you.

Shinji: All right, I'll do it...

Gendo:Very...

Shinji (cutting him off): For 100 million dollars per angel.

Several people crash painfully to the ground. Ritsuko does a spit take with her coffee.

Shinji (shrugs): Hey, if you need me, I must be the only guy who can pilot it right? What's a few dollars compared to the fate of mankind? Oh, and I want the hot lady in the red jacket as my personal sex slave (thumbs in the direction of Misato.)

Misato: WHAT! No way in hell!

Gendo: Very well...

Shinji flashes a huge grin and thumbs up. :yay: Misato's jaw flaps like a fish out of water as she trys to come up with something to say.

Shinji: Great! Just give me the keys and we'll take this baby out for a spin!

----------------

Hmmm, Shinji raised by me... Cynical, greedy, and willing to take advantage of the situation....

Heh, my daughter is growing up to be an interesting person :sweat:

 

[toraneko]

Oh yeah, you'll fit in just fine around here, John. :lol:

My take:
----------------

Shinji: So, let me get this straight. You - the father who threw me away when I was a little kid, before Mom's body was even cold - want me to pilot a 40-storey walking engine of destruction, on a freaking extension cord, against an enemy monster that conventional weapons can scarcely even slow down.
Gendo: ...Correct. You will pilot it.
Shinji: First off, stop issuing me orders. I'm not your subordinate yet, I haven't agreed to anything more than hearing you out, and you gave away all parental authority when you shipped me off to live with the Asshole Guardian of the Week Club.
Gendo: ...
Shinji: Second, I haven't seen any incentive to go along with your shit. What, no health care and dental plan? No massive paycheck and signing bonus? How about free cable and a reserved parking space? Fuck that. I'm not putting my ass on the line for you or anyone else without suitable compensation.
Gendo: *twitch*
Shinji: Put up or shut up, old man.
Gendo: Fine. If you will not pilot, there are alternatives-
Shinji: *interrupting* I didn't say I wouldn't pilot, dipshit. I said I won't do it without payment.
Gendo: ...fine.

Later, inside the cockpit...

Shinji: "Just think about moving" my ass. Well, I'm starting to get the hang of this, at least.
Misato: The mic's still on, brat.
Shinji: *looks at the little red light saying "MIC ON"* Oh. Right.

During the fight, Shinji - not the Eva - goes berserk.

Shinji: HAHA! Aw HELL yeah, this is a real fucking power trip right here! Come 'ere, you ugly little bastard-
Ritsuko: Cut the audio feed, would you please, Maya? I don't think I can take much more of this.
Maya, looking a little shell-shocked at all that Shinji has said and done, simply nods and does so.
Hyuuga: ...do my eyes deceive me, or did Unit 01 just give a double middle-finger to the Angel?
Aoba: And followed it up with a charging headbutt- HOLY CRAP. The Blue Pattern is gone! He just KO'ed the Angel with a headbutt!
Ritsuko's cigarette burns out, Maya spaces out, and Gendo is in his office drinking Jack straight from the bottle.

I'd better stop now before this goes too far. :snigger:

 

[Grunt]

Wonderfull, breathtaking. :snigger: Shinji seems like a real man in each one :rofl:

*Pats the mutant stories on the head while laughing like a maniac.*

"Don't worry little ones. To me you are all perfect." :rofl:

 

[Israfel]

Mine would not end up well...

---------------

Shinji: Aight, so yo drag me all the way out here on a frickin' five hour train ride, during the middle of a giant monster attack, and now you're telling me you want me to pilot you're little windup doll here?

Gendo: That is correct.

Shinji: Why father, why did you send for me, why don't you want me, why does everyone hate me, why am I so ALONE!!!! *breaks down crying*

Gendo: Get up. Stand up and walk on your own two feet, that's the only way you'll ever get anywhere in life, so stop crying and pilot it.

Shinji: *leaps back up, eyes ablaze* YOU UTTER BASTARD, HOW DARE YOU PRESUME TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO AFTER ABANDONING ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO!!! I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR LARYNX AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SO THAT YOU REALLY WILL BVE TALKING OUT OF YOUR AS THEN!!!!!

Gendo: If you will not cooperate, then we will have to use our spare. *turns to vid screens* Wake up Rei.

*Rei is wheeled in*

Shinji: OOOOOOOOHHHHH! *Shinji immediately glomps onto Rei and begins to hold her as if his life depended on it* You're so beautiful, please, tell me that you like me, don't ever leave me, I need you, you're the one I've been waiting for for my entire life, I'll do anything for you, anything at all, just stay with me always! *Shinji looks up adoringly at her from where he had buried his face into her*

Rei: *looks questioningly up at Gendo*

Gendo: *nods at Rei*

Rei: Of course I will, do not worry, I will stay with you, but to keep us safe, you must pilot Unit-01.

Shinji: Of course anything for you! *turns to bridge crew who are all staring in disbelief at the antics of the Third Child* What are you all doing just staring, we're in the middle of being attacked! Get back to work all of you, I want everybody double timing it and I want somebody here instructing me on how to run this thing and somebody needs to get me my status report! Now get cracking, we've got a war to win! *Shinji walks towards Unit-01 like a Sargent surveying his troops*

--------------

Yah, I'll just end that here, let's just say I don't plan on having any kids. :sweat:

 

[Lumias]

Well here's mine.

1111111111111111

"Hmm you don't see that every day," Shinji mumbled to himself as the 1st angel rampaged.

"Get in!" Misato shouted as she pulled up.

Shinji shrugged walked over and got in.

"Sorry I'm late," Misato said.

"These things happen," Shinji replied

"I'm Misato Katsuragi."

"Shinji Ikari... Nice day isn't it?"

Misato looked over at the boy strangely, "You did notice the giant monster destroying the town right?"

"Of course, it's kinda hard to miss, but no reason to let something like that bother me," Shinji answered as he pulled out a gameboy and started playing Harvest Moon.

"Right..." 'Psycho,' "Oh SHIT brace yourself they're dropping an N2 mine," Misato shouted as she stopped the car and threw herself over Shinji.

"But i didn't get to save yet!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Are you okay?" Misato asked before she looked at Shinji and recoiled from the face he was making.

"THOSE GODDAMN SONS OF BITCHES BROKE MY GAMEBOY!" Shinji shouted in anger as he looked at his broken screen. "Give me your gun I'm gonna help the monster kill those bastards," he seethed.

"Um, why don't we do that later for now we should get out of here so we don't wind up dead okay," Misato said nervously.

"Oh, okay sounds good to me," Shinji smiled brightly.

"..." Misato resonded to Shinji's 180 emotions.

111111111111

At Nerv

'Erm where was that elevator again,' Misato wondered as she slowed down and looked at a very familiar hallway before turning to Shinji who had tilted his head slightly to the side giving her a bright smile.

"Misato what are you doing?" Ritsuko frowned as she came out the elevator, "We don't have time to waste."

"Oh, uh well that is..." Misato started.

"You got lost again didn't you," Ritsuko sighed.

"You shouldn't get worked up over such a little thing," Shinji smiled before pulling out another game system and started playing.

"Follow me," Ritsuko said.

after a few minutes of waiting in which the only noise came from Shinji's game they reached a large dark room.

"Behold Evangelion Unit 01 your father's work." Ritsuko said dramatically as the lights were abrubtly turned on.

Shinji looked up at Unit 01 for a moment before ignoring it and going back to his game. "Neat," was Shinji's response.

Rather surprised at Shinji's response or there of Ritsuko got a bit worried.

"We will use it to destroy the Angel," Ritsuko continued.

"But wait we don't have a pilot." Misato protested.

"One was just delivered," Gendo said from his perch, "Shinji you will pilot it."

"Wha, hold on Bastard. I'm in the middle of a stage on Mechwarrior," Shinji waved off his father as he kept playing causing the three adults to sweatdrop.

"Very well then, call Rei," Gendo said, "Rei you'll have to do it again, our spare is useless."

"Understood," came the weak reply.

Rei was brought out on a stretcher being led to Unit 01 when Shinji loooked up.

"SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" Shinji cursed, "Are you FUCKING serious, the poor girl can't even move," Shinji lost it as whipped his game system at his father wapping him upside the head and knocking him into the LCL.

"Commander," Ritsuko shouted worriedly.

"Oh don't worry he'll be fine, well I guess I'll pilot the Eva thingie now," Shinji smiled brightly.

 

[Antimatter]

Still recovering from the awesome g-forces of the launch procedure, shinji found himself stairing down at his foe. Finally comprehending exactly what he was setting out to do, he utter other the open comm line a single thougt before charging into battle:

"Man, I better get unbeleavible amounts of tang for this sh*t."

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

This reminds me of that fic where Shinji was raised by Sweet Tooth.

 

[Vexarian]

"You will pilot it." Gendo said commandingly as he stare impassively at his wayward son.

"ANONY-- Err, SHINJI DOES NOT FORGIVE!" The younger Ikari somehow pulled a flamethrower out of nowhere. "KILL IT WITH FIRE!!"

"Ahh..." Gendo wisely ran as the glass began to melt from the scorching heat.

cont'd

"D-DO NOT WANT!" Shinji screamed in horror as he leapt off the prone form of Ayanami Rei, holding his hand away from him like it was diseased.

"I-Ikari...?" The blue-haired girl blinked at the odd reaction of her fellow pilot. Strangely, she felt... vaguely insulted.

Stifling his tears, and then throwing a piece of plastic at his companion, Shinji ran out of the apartment at top speed.

cont'd

"W-well then, after you, Ikari-kun?" Hikari nervously gestured for the brown-haired boy to come inside.

While the class rep know Shinji very well, not having heard the boy talk to much, and what she did hear from his mouth was rather... bizarre, she was still giddy about having an actually BOY coming into her room.

"O-Oh!" Hikari jolted as Shinji walked into her room, suddenly remember that she had left dinner cooking when she had answered the door. "W-wait a moment, will you Ikari?"

Watching the class rep run downstairs impassively, Shinji glanced about the room with a bored look.

"You..." Shinji's eyes quickly locked onto the voice, widening as he saw a much younger version of the class rep giving him a hopeful eye. "Are you my sister's boyfriend?"

"DO... WANT." Shinji's eyes gleamed a crazed yellow as he started approaching the girl.

"Uh...?" Nozomi suddenly wondered if talking to the boy was a good idea.

cont'd

"DON'T LOOK!" Asuka growled at the boy behind her, kicking at him while she crawled forward.

"..." Shinji's eye twitched, before diving forward and somehow getting on top of the redhead's back in the cramped vent.

"G-gahahH!" Asuka fruitlessly struggled, but soon realized that the vent was simply too small to get any wiggling room.

"You gonna get raped." He whispered menacingly.

"Stick it in her pooper."

Both Shinji and Asuka glanced up at their blue-haired companion, one in shock and the other in happiness, who was watching them with a disturbing smile.

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

YES.

 

[Grunt]

:rofl: Yes that's it. *Stands up and points his mouse at the sky.* Ahh Insanity, Depravety come on to me. :snigger:

Such style, such finesse, how could I choose between one of them. :rofl: I must have them all. :yay:

 

[Mighty Bob]

Heh, that gave me an amusing idea (or at least it amuses me) We all know that Rei wasn't really raised per say...so what if during her impresionable youth she spent an unhealthy amount of time online... most of it spent at /b/.

Everyone else can start off the same, just have rei be the /b/-tard.

 

[Israfel]

Oh my, Nozomi has many many problems coming her way, as do all the toher underage girls of Tokyo-3 I'd imagine, now just imagine if Shinji had shown up while Rei-I was still around, could you imagine how Rei would have turned out with Pedo!Shinji all over her as a child, or maybe it was Pedo!Gendo...?

 

[Mighty Bob]

Eva-01 repainted to resemble Pedobear?

And a whole new reason for Touji to be decking Shinji; something along the lines of stay the hell away from my sister!

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

 

[MARQUIS DE SADE]

Some of you might think what the hell is Marquis De Sade smoking but what if Shinji was raised by the Hell's Angels motorcycle club and he decided to make Misato his old lady or what if when Shinji turned 18 he decided to be Navy Seal,U.D.T. Frogman,or Marine Force Recon?