Things JLA members are not allowed to do

[Prince Charon]

Like other funny list threads. Given the sort of people who've been made members of the Justice League of America/JL International, I figure something like this would show up, eventually.

IIRC, Plastic Man turned himself into Big Barda's dress once, in comic canon, hence the first rule:


1. Turning yourself into Big Barda's dress will be punished by the rest of us not protecting you from her, when she finds out, Plas!

1a. The same goes if you turn into Wonder Woman's dress... or anyone elses, for that matter.

1b. If you turn into Supergirl's dress, her cousin will make Batman's Protocol for you seem like a pleasent evening at home.

 

[GenocideHeart]

2. The Flash is NOT allowed to have super-quickies with unwary women. Just don't. They'll find out, and even the Speed Force cowers before the fury of a scorned woman.

 

[Tornado Ninja Fan]

3. It is strictly forbidden to take J'onn Jonnz cookies. That means you, Booster and Beetle!

 

[GhostElder]

3a. Additionally we are to be well stocked with said cookies at all times.

 

[pacifist]

4. There is to be no mention of Batman's personality prior to Frank Miller. Nor may you refer to him as chum.

5. Batman is not allowed to place security camera's in the women's showers.

6. Stuffing Plastic man down the drain is not the proper way of clearing clogged pipes.

7. Batman is not allowed to use all of the captured superweapons in the JLA trophy room to build himself an armageddon suit in case of Crisis #34.

8. You may not watch Marvel/DC: After Hours in the monitor room. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbRh9MFW9FU...584B804&index=0

 

[jaredstar]

1c. you are also forbidden from turning into female members.... personal pleasure devices.

 

[WannabeKurt]

1c. you are also forbidden from turning into female members.... personal pleasure devices.

1d. Damn!

 

[parker]

4. There is to be no mention of Batman's personality prior to Frank Miller. Nor may you refer to him as chum.

4a. Especialy that stuff about the tommy guns.

 

[zerohour]

5b: The same goes for Superman "inspecting" the walls with his X-Ray Vision

9. Despite being an equal opportunity association, there are certain villans that women are not permitted to fight.

Certain...tentacly villans...

 

[DhampyrX2]

10. It is forbidden for anyone to try to build a harem for Batman to help him "loosen up."

10a. It is not funny to post sign up sheets for said harem in the women's locker room.

10b. Flash so help me, if you don't get Catwoman, Shiva, and Talia out of here now I will not be responsible for what he'll do to you.


11. Rumors of Wonder Woman and Batman being in a current or former relationship (or a decision to avoid such because "Bruce is being a stubborn ass") are their own business and should not be discussed.

11a. Nor will we mention the repairs needed after Diana got a view of the sign-up sheet pursuant to Rule 10. That was sparring, not "thinning the herd."


12. Don't mess with Wonder Woman's mochas.

12a. or Hawkgirl's booze.

12b. and for the love of GOD don't drink Batman's coffee without permission.


13. JLA computers are not to be used to play MMORPG's for two days straight.

13a. Flash, Green Lantern, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, Green Arrow, and Big Barda this applies to ALL of you.


14. Attempts to get naked pictures of ANY league member to sell on the internet will result in being handed off to Batman immediately.

14a. Private pictures are OK.

14b. KYLE!


15. Starfire is no longer to be allowed to help "Cook a feast for friend Nightwing's K'norfka Batman" when visiting the Watchtower.


16. There is no such thing as "Naked Watchtower Wednesdays."

 

[Lord of Bones]

17) The JLA is not to be held accountable for the fate of any member who uses the words "Batman" and "A cat is fine, too" within Wonder Woman's hearing range.

17 b) WHAT?!

17 c) OH SHI-

 

[DhampyrX2]

18) Current and former members of both Young Justice and the Titans are always welcome to visit the Watchtower for peaceful purposes.

The following are NOT included under that policy:

Watching porn in an attempt to hide the charges for Oracle. -Nightwing

Watching porn to keep your daughter from finding you watching it. -Arsenal

Watching certain episodes of "Animal Planet" that Aquaman told you not to watch. -Aqualad

Bothering Batman or Wonder Woman for details about their non-relationship. -Donna Troy

Trying to hack NORAD satellites without Alfred finding out. -Robin

Bringing Impulse along with you to explain what porn is. -Superboy

Posting embarrassing pictures of Nightwing and the current Robin to serve as proof of why you are the superior one to wear the mantle of Robin. -Red Hood/Jason Todd

Anything that involves the words "Gleek" and "blender" in the same sentence. -Too many members to list.


19) Any "Women Of..." calendars that are produced without the permission of those depicted within are strictly prohibited.

19a) Wally you had better pray Batman is too engrossed in his current investigation to get upset of the Women of the Batclan calendar.


20) There is not support group for costumed women Batman has dated, and Wonder Woman is not their queen. Telling new members this is wrong.

20a) We all know Catwoman is the real leader.

20b) I thought it was Zatanna?

20c) Flash and Green Latern, report to training room three now. -Batman

 

[Lord of Bones]

21) Do not mention the name "Frank Miller" to Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman or - if you find yourself in Gotham - Catwoman and Robin.

21 b) Especially not to Batman or Catwoman.

22) Flash is no longer allowed to put into practice the literal meaning of his name.

23) The distributors of "Women of Batman: Swimsuit Edition" had best cease their production of the aforementioned material before Batman finds out.

 

[DhampyrX2]

23a) Whoever sent her a complimentary web copy of "Women of Batman" has a meeting with Wonder Woman tomorrow at noon. Don't miss it if you know what's good for you.

23b) I told you that you should have included her, Wally.

23c) Up yours, Short Pants!


24) The new "Women of the Rogues Gallery" calendar being put out by Demon Head Inc. is hereby prohibited in any JLA facilities.

24a) Seriously who the hell thought it would be funny to exclude Talia from the "Women of Batman" calendar and then send Ra's a free copy?

24b) It's not our fault! Selina and Diana both warned us what would happen if we ever let the Sand Slut anywhere near the Watchtower when Bats was on the roster.


25) Green Arrow and Black Canary are no longer allowed to schedule simulator time together in the training rooms without a chaperon.

Come on people, we're running a super hero organization chartered to protect the planet and help mankind, not a free love hotel.


26) Flash, Green Lantern, and Plastic Man are not allowed to volunteer time in the cafeteria together ever again.


27) The new "Women of Superman" calendar is to be pulled immediately and Lois Lane Kent would like a word with it's producers.

27a) It was Maxima's idea! She threatened us, I swear!


28) It is now forbidden to leave random unconnected news clippings on The Question's door with a note taunting him to find how they're connected. I don't care how funny it is to watch him get that worked up.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

29: Blenders and explosives do not mix.

29a: We say again: BLENDERS. EXPLOSIVES. DO NOT MIX.

29b: Are you getting this everyone?


30: We do not refer to Mr. Terrific as "Mr. T."

30a: Sure we do. It's just not funny after the tenth time.


31: Speculation on the bedroom activities of the Huntress and Question is to be discontinued... For everyone's sanity.


32: No more prank calls to Apokolips, New Genesis, Oa, or anywhere else outside the solar system.

32a: Or in it.


33: Santa Clause is not a reservist member of the JLA.

33a: Nor is the Easter Bunny.

 

[Shaderic]

33b:Nor is Super Mecha Death Christ

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

34: All heroes auditioning for the Justice League must undergo a strict background check.

 

[roting_CORPSE]

28a. Nor is it advised to Dressed-up as Rorschach and yell "NO, YOU SUCK!" in his face.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

28b: And yes Huntress, we know Question's the best. Put down the crossbow please.

28c: Geez, PMS? I thought she was bad before...~Dick

28d: No. Pregnancy hormones. ~Q

28e: ... ~Everyone

28f: ~Q

 

[da_fox2279]

35. Any mention of registering metahumans as members of law enforcement officials by or for the government of the US is strictly forbidden.

35A. No, you are not allowed to register the Question, Flash.

35B. We don't care how funny it would be to see him freak out. NO.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

36: Infinite Crisis? What Infinite Crisis? No Crisis happened. None. Nada. Nothing of the sort occurred.

36a: I can't believe you're-~Superman

36b: SHUT UP CLARK!

 

[DhampyrX2]

37) Batman is not a metahuman. This is established fact and it is wrong to tell new members otherwise.

We don't care that he can actually sneak up on, or away from, Superman and Wonder Woman.

Or that all pools for him against a Leaguer are measured in how long it would take for him to win.

Yes Arsenal, we all remember how he caught your arrow, from behind, without looking when you were Speedy. He's still not a meta. We check. Frequently.

37a) Alfred, on the other hand, might be. He is the only one that can keep Batman under control.


38) It is not a JLA initiation right for a new member to challenge a charter member in savage combat. Telling rookies this is wrong and offenders will pay the hospital bills that result from the fight. Especially is they involved Hawkgirl or Wonder Woman.


39) If you flirt with him or her, you deal with his or her family. We won't get involved. This policy extends to fringe members of the Batclan and all Amazon sisters as well.


40) It is wrong to tell Queen Hippolyta that you can see where Diana got her "sweet ass" from just because you're upset with her and happen to be able to outrun her.


41) Superboy is no longer allowed to program his own holographic simulation runs.


42) Pulling up people impersonating the JLA in a porno during a meeting is forbidden. We don't care if they are giving you a bad name in either deed or inferior performance. Nor will we sue them for royalties.

42a) That includes sending thank you baskets for avoiding "Fastest Man Alive" jokes in the film, Flash.


43) The JSA is not the "superhero Senior's Tour" and shall not be referred to as such.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

44: Even people with the (in theory) stupidest sounding powers can kick your ass if you're not careful. Given that people without powers can kick your ass, it shouldn't be surprising.

44a: Pirates made of rubber are the worst.

44b: Not as bad as ninjas wearing orange...


45: I have not turned to the Darkside simply because I voiced a certain evil character in a few certain video games and movies. So please stop playing that song over the intercom. ~Superman

 

[Lord of Bones]

46) To the person who changed the League's uniform regulations pertaining to women to "As skimpy as possible", Wonder Woman would like to have a word with you.

47) Do NOT ask Batman whether "she uses the whip in the bedroom, too."
47 b) That's between him and me. - S. Kyle.
47 c) How the hell did Catwoman access this?

48) To the person who put up the poster with the caption "Most Common Superpower", you're in trouble.
48 b) This applies to the person who added in "especially in America."

49) You will not ask Batman if you can 'borrow his harem.'

50) "Men in Tights" is not to be played over the intercom.

 

[da_fox2279]

51. You are not allowed to spit on Superman's cape.
52. You are not allowed to tug on Batman's cape.
53. You are not allowed to look down Wonder Woman's chest plate.
54a. We will not pay your hospital bills if you fail to observe these rules.

55. Permission to date sidekicks must be gotten from their mentors.
55a. Superboy, this means you.

56. Any mention of something called the 'Amalgam Universe' is strictly forbidden.
56a. Seriously. We don't want to remember that. We're still trying to pay the psychiatrist bills.