Things Marvel Characters Are Not Allowed To Do

[KageX]

1) Choosing "Saving Private Ryan" for Avengers Movie Night was in terrible taste. As a result all movies must be okay-ed by vote at least three days before the screening. Furthermore all WWII movies are banned.

2) No Deadpool is not a horrifically scarred giant Kender. He is nowhere near that endearing. And taking away his weapons and locking him in a room with a Supervillian is not a good way to make them talk. In fact I am pretty sure it is considered a War Crime.

2b) No not even if it is Norman Osborn. Especially if it is Norman Osborn. The man is crazy enough already, we don't need him to get any worse.

2c) What do you mean it's already to late?! You are going to have to explain this to Spiderman, and I warn you though he might not be on the level of Reed or Tony, the man is still a genius. And he is very creative when he wants payback. And you have no right to complain as we all know Osborn is going after him eventually.

3) Dr Octopus's original alias was not "Dr. Octogonapus". Please stop telling impressionable new heroes this.

4) Spider Man is not the universe's spittoon, favorite chew toy, or bitch. Please stop referring to him as such.

4b) Come on we all know it's true, he's gone through more shit than me! And that is really saying something. (Wolverine)

4c) Go suck a railroad spike Logan. (Spider Man)

5) Just because Wolverine is older than some countries does not mean that him dating a woman in her late twenties is pedophilia. Please stop calling the police on him.

6) All telepaths are banned from attempting to read Deadpool's mind regardless of the circumstances. Yes we know that generally people can't see much due to the constantly changing nature of his cellular structure. But what little has been seen has placed the last three telepath's who tried in strait jackets, so we are not taking any more chances.

7) Stop making jokes about the Venom Symbiote wanting to be "inside" Spider Man. He already has enough issues.

8) Just because your boyfriend or girlfriend dumped you does not mean you should accuse them of being a Skrull imposter. This is a very sensitive issue, and taking time away from the people who have to confirm it is a bad idea. Not to mention it is very insensitive to Jessica Drew and everyone else who was ever replaced by a Skrull in the past.

 

[Leonite]

9) Stop trying to convince people that the Power Rangers are part of our universe.

9a) They aren't even owned by Disney anymore... my poor Bea Arthur Megazord looks to be forever unfinished - Deadpool



10) Stop mentioning One More Day or One Moment in Time around Spider-Man. He's beating himself up enough about it as it is.

10a) Its not an excuse to beat him up either.

10b) I've been thinking up ways to get that solved anyway - Spider-Man



11) In light of the above rule, no Spider-Man doesn't have a Spider-Harem.

11a) I get enough stress dating girls regularly! - Spider-Man

11b) Nor are you allowed to make a Spider-Harem for him.

 

[KageX]

12) It is best not to try to get restraining orders on your arch enemies. It won't do anything to discourage them and is just a waste of time and paperwork. In the end it is just not worth the hassle.

12b) Spider Man that means you should stop trying to to get Symbiotes recognized as having legal rights so you can get legal action against the Venom Symbiote's attempts to "bond" with you.

13) Do not taunt Squirrel Girl. While her powers might seem ridiculous keep in mind she has beaten Doctor Doom before.

13b) We cannot confirm that she defeated Thanos, but we are not taking any chances.

13c) Yes we know that her track record against other heroes is not that good. We just don't think you should risk it.

14) Do not ask Thor or any other "Divinity" if they know Yahweh. It makes them very uncomfortable.

15) It is morally wrong to set Spider Man up on blind dates with Super Heroines and bet on the outcome. His love life is not a subject of amusement for other people. Okay it generally is, but we still shouldn't encourage it. Honestly we should not have three rules about this subject people!

15b) Though his reaction to realizing She Hulk was his date was hilarious. (Wolverine)

15c) You do know that Johnny just set him up on a blind date with X-23, right? (Hawkeye)

16) You are not allowed to swear blood vengeance against any other Super Hero or Super Heroine. Especially you Logan.

 

[zeebee1]

16a. Nor are you allowed to enact it.

 

[DhampyrX2]

17. Blind dates for supervillians and reformed supervillians to get/keep them on the straight and narrow is a bad idea.

17a. On a related note, we have something like fifteen versions of Sigyn of Asgard looking to choke a bitch for trying to set up Loki with anyone other than her. Being the Goddess of Fidelity means she'll forgive him, not the blind date.

17b. Also, 616 Loki is kind of a kid right now. Creepy people. Very creepy.


18. Do not bother the Avengers during lunch. Just don't.


19. It is not acceptable to collect different analogues of the same person for the purpose of a single entity pit fight.

19a. Although watching the various versions of Logan duke it out was entertaining.


20. You will suggest mud/oil wrestling as a way to settle disputes between female Avengers at your own peril. Especially where Black Widow is involved.


21. The fact Mystique was willing to sleep with Sabertooth and bear his child does not make her "skank of the universe."

21a. She earned that title a whole other way. Rogue

21b. And it will be in dispute as long as Emma lives. Jean Grey

 

[KageX]

22) It is wrong to buy blow up dolls in the shape of people you don't like to use as target practice.

22b) We mean this, stop scaring your students by destroying those Emma Frost dolls Kitty. And the school really can't keep paying for them, they are actually quite expensive when bought in bulk.

22c) For the love of God don't buy a blow up doll in the shape of someone and send it to them as a prank ever again. Captain America now needs therapy.

23) The Swimsuit Special was cancelled years ago. Stop telling people that they have to pose for it. It is morally wrong to trick people into doing so, and you will face legal action if you continue to do so.

23b) In the name of all that is Good and Holy put a stop to this insanity now! We don't want to go through the trauma of seeing Deadpool in a Speedo a second time.

24) You cannot beat up your alternate universe counterparts just because you don't like them. They have to be considered a threat to the world at large first.

24b) No you cannot go into their universes in order to prevent any possible aggression.

25) Stop telling people about their kids from different possible futures. It just gets weird for everyone involved.

26) There is no such Hero as "Super Player" and it is certainly not an alias of Spider Man, Wolverine, Captain America, or anyone else.

26b) Especially Tony Stark. No matter what he claims.

27) Posting embarrassing pictures of fellow heroes is forbidden.

27b) Super Villains are okay.

27c) Maria Hill is not a Super Villain.

27d) Nor is Emma Frost.

27e) I am pretty sure those two are open to debate. Kitty Pryde

27f) Okay from now on no posting embarrassing pictures of anyone. The Super Hero community already has enough issues, we don't need all of you making us look worse to the media.

28) Just because they are a former villain does not mean they are faking it. Just look at Hawkeye he went legitimate. So stop stalking them to make sure they are on the up and up. We have S.H.I.E.L.D. for that.

29) If it is something Deadpool would consider doing then it is best that you don't unless your life is in danger. Even then it probably is not a good idea.

30) Neither Spiderman, Tony Stark, Thor, Captain America or any other A List heroes are the father of Galacta's baby. She reproduced asexually. Please stop making up rumors, we are afraid of what will happen if Galactus takes them seriously.

 

[akun50]

31) From henceforth, at least two other superheroes have to be witness to any attempts to "ferret out a Skrull".

31a) Those superheroes cannot be any combination of Spiderman, Deadpool, Wolverine, Johnny Storm, or Tony Stark.

31b) And everyone involved must be sober.

31c) If, at any point, any of the superheroes produces an actual ferret for any of the "possible processes", the ferret must released and either Reed Richards, Professor Xavier or any other <s>wet blanket</s> notable or respected hero or mutant must be called in to supervise.

31d) Supervise does NOT mean to demand a "frosty", nor is the called-in hero/mutant to ever utter, "Let's get this shit started before anyone finds out."

31e) Jean and Rogue, this means you.

31f) While it possible for the Skrull to imitate their forms, Emma Frost and Mystique are not to "prove themselves" by "mud wrasslin'".

31g) Seriously, Bruce, we know you were drunk, but that was inexcusable.

31h) Especially since you didn't record it, you giant green prick! - Deadpool

 

[Leonite]

32) As nice a sentiment as it probably was Spider-Man, one should not hold funerals for the death of counterparts, it gets confusing.

32a) Even if its from the Zombie universe.

32b) ESPECIALLY if its from the Zombie Universe, this was revised because of you Deadpool.



33) Stop laughing at the Superhero Squad Universe. They can and will kick your ass.



34) If something goes wrong, you are not allowed to blame Spider-Man for it unless you have proof. Jameson has caused enough damage to his reputation

34a) This includes blaming his alternate universe counterparts.

34b) Or my daughter from the future who may or may not still exist - Spider-Man

34c) May or may not exist? - Johnny Storm

34d) Rule 10 Torch - Spider-Man

34e) Blaming Mephisto for the problem is fine though.



35) Deadpool, no more stealing the costume off your counterparts from other universes and messing wth that universe's heroes.



36) We know you look a lot like the movie one, but no Tony, you are not Sherlock Holmes.



37) Anyone who compares Magneto to the KKK or Hitler does so at their own peril. Especially the latter.

 

[KageX]

38) You may not tell young hopefuls that streaking through Hell's Kitchen is a part of the Avenger's initiation. We all know that it involves fighting a C to B list Villain on your own while the others watch and quip, then going to a restaurant of the inductee's choosing, and with them subsequently being forced to foot the bill.

39) Under no circumstance are you allowed to inform the Punisher of your archenemies location.

39b) Telling him Deadpool's location is just fine though.

39c) Wolverine you may not encourage people to cause harm to Deadpool, especially not the Punisher. And that goes for everyone else as well. He gets in enough trouble on his own anyway. Captain America

40) Under no circumstances are you to refer to Fing Fang Foom as "Puff the Magic Dragon".

41) "It's Magic I ain't gotta explain shit" is not to be used as a way to get out of explaining how your powers work.

41b) Even if you do use magic, there are many different kinds and even if we don't know what you are talking about we can probably look it up or ask someone who can identify it.

42) There is a reason why flying cars are not allowed into Mass Production yet. No it is not the expenses, it is because a lot of people do not know how to safely drive the damn things. As such you will be liable to any damages you cause with any joyrides.

43) There is no Super Hero Dating Service online. And no you may not create one.

44) Spider Man we know you got your start when you were 15, but please stop encouraging the Runaways and other young superheroes. The world is a much more dangerous place nowadays, and they should be recruited to the Young Avengers.

44b) The rogue Life Model Decoy of Captain America responsible for posting the above mentioned rule has been terminated. We will judge this issue on a case to case basis, and at the moment the Runaways are considered to be doing well on their own.

45) For the last time stop setting Spider Man up on Blind Dates! Now <a href='http://marvel.wikia.com/Gunna_Sijurvald_%28Earth-616%29' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'>Gunna Sijurvald</a> thinks he is interested in marrying her. Being that she is Half Asgardian and Half Troll, her ideas as to how this courtship should proceed are a little "extreme" to say the least.

45b) Oh hell, now Silver Sable, X-23, Ms. Marvel, and Black Cat are confronting her. Johny Storm you are going to be held liable for all of this damage.

45c) Johhny I think you should start running now, Wolverine is not happy that X-23 developed a crush on Spider Man after that blind date. The fact that she is now involved in a fight with other women over him now has pushed Logan over the edge. We will not provide any aid to either side in this conflict other than warning you, and recording what happens. Tony Stark

45d) Oh God why are Thundra and Lyra getting involved in this brawl!?

46) You are not permitted to post videos or pictures of any fights between Super Heroines, especially if their clothes are torn apart in the conflict.

46b) The same goes for posting such material about Super Heroes.

46c) This should have been apparent with Rule 27. From now on any Super Hero or Super Heroine caught posting any pictures that could be considered embarrassing will be subject to mandatory community service.

47) Whoever left Spider Man alone with the new juvenile version of Loki you are a horrible horrible person. They are never to be allowed in the same unsupervised ever again.

47b) Ahhhh, but now I have learned of the wonders of Applied Chemistry! I can't wait to see what he teaches me next time! Loki

48) This is a warning, bring up Starfox at you own risk.

49) Galactus did not kidnap Elvis to be his own personal entertainer.

49b) Neither was Elvis Presley an alias of Galactus.

49c) At least this universe's version of Galactus. Deadpool

49d) The fuck!? Galacta

50) Whoever keeps sending the Avengers links to fanfiction about them stop.

50b) Especially with the Captain America/Iron Man Slash fics. Tony and Steve now have an even harder time looking at each other than they did after the whole Civil War thing.

50c) Sending them that Slash fanart was just plain wrong. and you damn well know it!

51) We do not mention the Spider Man musical on Broadway. Ever.

 

[Seed00]

51A) It was an awesome musical - Deadpool.

 

[MTing]

52) Kidnapping actors to star in your unreleased movie is just wrong and illegal. Deadpool, please let Mr. Reynolds go.

 

[KageX]

53) In light of the recent all out brawl over who gets to date Spider Man we are banning all songs about Super Heroes and Heroines until further notice. So please stop playing the new parody song "Spider Pimp" whenever he walks in the room. Failure to comply will result in legal action.

54) Deapool is not allowed within 100 feet of the Young Avengers. We do not need him corrupting innocent minds any more that he already has.

54b) Or any X Men under legal age.

54c) Or the Runaways.

54d) You know what? Deadpool is no longer allowed in the vicinity of children at all. As Lethal Force is not applicable to him Painful Force to to get him to leave as quickly as possible has been authorized.

55) Just because our Multiverse is in close vicinity to the Capcom Multiverse does not mean you can go there on vacation.

55b) The reverse is also true for residents of the Capcom Multiverse. Miss Aensland please stop harassing Spider Man, we already have enough troubles regarding his sex life.

55c) But that is what makes it so much fun. Morrigan

56) You are not allowed to kidnap Phoenix Wright from the Capcom Multiverse to serve as your defense attorney. His License is not valid in this universe anyway, so please put him back where you found him Deadpool.

57) Whoever introduced Thor to the band Dragonforce, we are going to hunt you down and make you suffer. While we have nothing against their music, the fact that Thor keeps blasting it so damn loud has just used up everyone's patience.

58) No more showing the Asgardians anything related to the Cthulu Mythos. They now want to hunt down anything related to it as a threat to the Universe. We are afraid that they might just find something. We already have enough trouble with Eldritch Abominations, please don't encourage people to go looking for more.

59) Challenging someone to a rap battle to settle disputes is a horrible horrible idea.

59b) We do not need a repeat of Dr. Doom totally serving Johnny Storm.

60) Do not taunt Higher Powers with the forbidden phrases. Seriously this should not have to be written down, it is just common sense. Unfortunately some people just don't think before they open their big mouths. Spider Man

60b) Isn't that sort of hypocritical of you? Tony Stark

60c) Oh like your one to talk. Hawkeye

 

[bissek]

61) Spider-man is not to be hired as a window washer
61a) Heros with super strength are not to be hired as movers

62) Mr Fantastic is banned from all limbo competitions
62a) Both he and Spider-man are banned from Twister competitions

63) Cyclops is not the backup microwave

 

[Leonite]

56a) Not him, my bad this time. If I need someone to help me find a loophole in that damn agreement I need the best, no offence Jennifer or Murdoch - Spider-Man

 

[Deathwings]

64) It is now prohibited to "advise" the Venom symbiot on ways to "make up" with Spiderman by giving him porn.

64a) Especially the tentacle kind.

64b) OH GOD WHY ?! BAD TOUCHES ! BAD TOUCHES ! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU GODDAMN BETENTACLED FREAK OF NATURE ! -Spiderman

64c) -V

65) Whoever put the idea of bonding with one of Spiderman's love interest into Venom's head, STOP IT !

65a) Can't sleep symbiot will catch me. Can't sleep symbiot will catch me. Can't sleep... -Spiderman

65b) -V

 

[KageX]

66) You are not allowed to hire Deadpool, Taskmaster, or any other mercenary to kill the Venom Symbiote. It gives the superhero community a bad name.

66b) Yes we know it was not you Spider Man.

66c) We know you people were doing it go get rid of the "competition" but please keep that to yourselves. It just leads to some very disturbing thoughts.

67) Deadpool just because Ryan Reynold's is rumored to be involved in the proposed Highlander Remake does not mean that you can keep making all of these damn references to that series. Either shut up or we will shut you up. The Avengers

67b) There can be only one! Deadpool

68) Whoever broadcasted Dragonball Z Abridged on a loop in Tony's Office, we will find you. We don't have anything against it, but now Tony won't stop making references. The fact is he knows it if pissing us off, and as such he will not stop for quite some time. I may not be willing to do anything to him, but we will be able to take it out on you. James Rhodes and Pepper Potts

69) The Young Avengers are not allowed to go anywhere near a dimensional rift, portal, or any other type of dimensional anomaly without adult supervision. As an aside we really don't want to know what they did that had Mojo throw them back at us while he was breaking down and crying.

70) Tony Stark is not allowed within 2 miles of any magitech without Dr. Strange or another well known and respected magic user present.

71) Deadpool is to be kept far away from an alien visitors unless we know they are hostile. Anything short of being on a separate continent is not considered "far away". We do not care how you have to distract him as long as it is within international law and the laws of whatever nation you are in.

72) Whoever stole those Doom Bots and reprogrammed them with the personalities of cartoon characters we will find you, and you will be held accountable. The Pinkie Pie Doombot has given Franklin nightmares. You would be wise to turn yourselves over to us, as Victor was not amused and is also looking for you. Reed and Sue Richards

73) It is forbidden to convince Wolverine and the Hulk to have a drinking contest. Once was bad enough. We know who you are, and you are paying for the damages.

73b) Any drinking contests amongst super powered individuals are to be monitored by at least twice as many participants.

73c) You are hereby forbidden from posting any videos, photos or audio from any such drinking contests on the internet.

 

[GaelicDragon]

74) No one is to talk about what happened with Spideman and Deadpool at the Luchadores convention.

74a) Ah...I thought watching Spiderman getting smashed on Tequila was hilarious Deadpool

74b) No it wasn't Tony Stark

74c) Your just mad that Spiderman re-programed your suits to dance Hare Hare Yukai and Caramelldansen. Deadpool

74d) I was IN one of those suits! Tony Stark

 

[zeebee1]

70a. Not that it will make a difference.

 

[KageX]

75) Convincing Spider Man that participating in Avengers Movie Night was well and good. Putting on Eight Legged Freaks was not. Don't do something like that again Tony. We don't want to think about what would happen if you put on any rendition of the story of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" while Bruce or Jen are present.

75b) Nah, it's cool, he let me pick the movie for next time as an apology. Spider Man

76) We already have a rule about picking the movies. Nobody is allowed to bend it anymore. Thank you for ruining that Tony. Luke Cage

76b) Though you have to admit Cap's reactions to The Rocky Horror Picture Show were hilarious. Tony Stark

77) Wolverine is not a can opener. Ask him for help in this regard at your own risk.

78) Do not use your super powers, government connections, or multinational companies funds to procure bootleg copies or early releases of any form of media. Just because you save the world on a near monthly basis does not mean you are immune to prosecution for even the most "minor" of crimes.

79) Do not attempt to shave Squirrel Girl, Beast, or any other super powered individual with large amounts of body hair or fur.

79b) Especially not Wolverine, and despite his copious amounts of body hair he does not classify as having fur.

79c) Yet. Give it a few more years and it will. Deadpool

80) It is morally wrong to have a betting pool about who will die next.

80b) Or one about who will come back to life next.

80c) Or about which villain will escape from prison next.

80d) Seriously people just stop with the betting pools.

80e) No. Anonymous

 

[Lord of Bones]

81) Hi guys, what's - WHAT ARE THOSE BITCHES DOING FLIRTING WITH MY MAN?! - Mary Jane

 

[DhampyrX2]

81a) First. - Gwen Stacy

81b) Debatable by continuity, Stacy. - Black Cat

 

[bzzt3421]

81d)MINE -Venom

 

[Ordo]

81e) All right, I don't know how a teacher named Nancy Rushman is accessing our systems, but these E-mails she's sending to Spider-man and the rivals for his heart end here and now.

 

[KageX]

82) You are not permitted to use dimensional portals, spacecraft, or the shield helicarrier to hide from romantic issues.

82b) So did anyone tell Spider Man that the Venom Symbiote was being held in redacted at the time he went there to hide out? Johnny Storm

83) You are not allowed to "borrow" experimental use only prototype weaponry for personal use.

84) Bonding the Venom Symbiote with Black Cat was a horrible horrible idea. We already had a rule about this, for the love of God will people please pay attention to this list! Captain America

84b) It was worth it. That thing clung tighter to her than any of her regular costumes. Anonymous

84c) I will find you and hunt you down for this, it does not matter where you are. I will find you no matter the cost and make you pay! Spider Man

85) Well fuck he finally snapped. To all members of the Fantastic Four, Avengers, X-Men, and any other super hero team, we are likely going to need backup on this one. Nick Fury Director of Shield

85) Wait, how the hell does he keep getting put back in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Hawkeye

86) In light of recent events it is the decision of a consensus of the most respected individuals in the superhero community that Spider Man will be given a month long all expenses paid vacation. The rest of us will have to pick up the slack and do his patrols while he is gone.

86b) How the fuck does he do this shit year round!? Johnny Storm

87) It is now mandatory that all superheroes receive "street level" training from Dare Devil or another experienced hero or heroine that is a veteran in such matters before they are allowed to do so in the first place. This applies to those who do not have experience in such matters themselves. Fighting super villains and stopping a mugging are two completely different things.

87b) We will not discuss the "mistakes" made by certain heroes covering for Spider Man while he was recovering from his psychotic break.

88) When Norman Osborn shows up you are not permitted to say "Stop, Hammer Time!"

88b) Or when Thor shows up and starts swinging Mjolnir.

89) You are not permitted to dare other heroes or heroines to fight crime while wearing cosplay outfits.

90) Deadpool is no longer allowed within 100 feet of any elected officials, even if he is trying to save their lives. We really need to cut down on the international incidents here people.

 

[DhampyrX2]

81e) All right, I don't know how a teacher named Nancy Rushman is accessing our systems, but these E-mails she's sending to Spider-man and the rivals for his heart end here and now.

Please tell me that's Lynx and not Black Widow.