Bleach Things Shinigami are not allowed to do

[Prince Charon]

Every few generations, the Shinigami start a slightly serious, slightly humourous list of 'Things Shinigami are not Allowed to do'. It is the only written evidence that Captain-General Yamamoto has any trace of a sense of humour.

1. Peeping on the women's changing room is strictly forbidden. That means you, too, Shunsui.

(By General Yamamoto's order, that rule has headed every iteration of the list for two thousand years. The fact that Nanao knew this, and still chose to join the Eighth Division, says a great deal about her.)

 

[Shiakou]

2. A shinigami may challenge his/her superior to a duel at any time except when they are on missions. The duel must be a contest of <s>physical prowess,</s>* <s>cunning,</s>** <s>and determination</s>*** beating the hell out of each other with zanpakuto!

*A challenge of which one can perform the Kama Sutra more proficiently does not count as physical prowess, Vice-Captain Matsumoto.
** Neither does cunning mean tricking your opponent into thinking he's a catgirl, Captain Aizen.
*** And determination does not mean seeing who's the better stalker, Vice-Captain Kurotsuchi and Eight Seat Hyuuga.

 

[Sunhawk]

3. The captain of the 4th does not have "magic fingers" and does not secretly lust after her patients. Telling new members of the 11th this is forbidden.

4. Female shinigami do not need a "gynocological exam", and advertising such services to novice shinigami and academy students is not permitted.

 

[SotF]

5. If you see a skeletal wacko in a cloak and carrying a Scythe, run for it.

 

[Zhou_Mak]

6. Captain Soi fong is not a furry, affection for Yoruichi notwithstanding. This is emphasized for 7th Division Captain Komamura Sajin.

7. Captain Kurotsuchi, if you have to ask, you can't operate on it.

8. Captain Kuchiki, if you bring papers to the Captain's Meetings, they cannot be Character Sheets.

9. Hisagi Shuhei must get another tatoo.

 

[Cornuthaum]

10.) Do not "Throw the dog a bone". Captain Komamura hates having to clean his robes from the blood of impertinent fools.

11.) Please do not goad Captains Hitsugaya and Kurotsuchi into playing any of the academy strategic warfare board games. We do not want them to get their divisions to reenact their strategies in real life... again.

12.) Captain Zaraki is not to be woken by anyone outside his division, in his division, affiliated with the divisions of Seireitei or horrible, man-eating hollows. If Captain Zaraki wakes, he does so on his own. And unlike Captain Komamura, he likes the blood on his robes. You have been warned.

13.) Erotic drawings of currently active seated officers of either gender are an offense warranting demotion and a two-decade suspension. (Addendum by Captain Kyoraku, 8th Division: Phantasies are nice. Pictures are not. And if I find out who drew that one of me and Jyuu-chan I will show you the Crazy Bone part of my zanpakuto.)

 

[SotF]

14.) Kenpachi is no longer allowed to "Scout" for future Shinigami. Seriously, what kind of idiot tries to arrange deaths just for a good fight, especially when at least one of them is a fucking demolitions expert!

 

[S J C]

15) No matter how cute they are Hollows* Are not allowed within the boundaries of <s>Seireitei</s> Soul Society

* This includes Arrancar.

 

[zerohour]

16. Searching for a female Arrancar's "Secret Hole" is not permitted. Nor is it permissible to tell rookie shinigami that finding the "Secret Hole" is an alternate method of gaining promotion.

7.a. Rule 7 has since been repealed, as it only discourages Kurotsuchi from asking.

 

[Sunhawk]

17. The captain of the 10th division is to be referred to as "Captain Hitsugaya", not "Little Icicle", "Short 'n Silver" or "Shiro-chan".

18. Captain Hitsugaya does not "need to get laid", Captain Soi Fong does not "need a hot dicking", and Captain General Yamamoto does not have "performance problems".

 

[Vesvius]

19. Please stop encouraging new Shinigami to ask if Abarai's tattoos go 'everywhere'. It's quite possible that they do, but there are some things we just don't want to know.

20. 'He Followed me home, can I keep him?' is not a valid reason for brining enemiees of the Seireitei back within it.
20 a. Even if it's Ichimaru Gin.
20 b. Even if he's wearing bunny ears.
20 c. Rule 20 is henceforth known as the 'Kuchiki Law'

 

[Sunhawk]

21. The size of a shinigami's shikai has nothing to do with the size of his "flesh zanpakuto"

22. You cannot "charge up your reiatsu" through wild monkey sex; it is not permitted to tell young gullible academy students this.

 

[SotF]

23.) In light of Yachiru's discovery of her life before death, research into such things is forbidden.
b.) Whatever idiot allowed her access to that world is in big trouble.
c.) We don't need her to become the "Enemy of All Existance" rather than just those alive.
d.) And send that fucking demon back, I don't care if he won't tell you the secret of why he wants to come.

 

[Sunhawk]

24. The vice-captain of the 10th division is Matsumoto Rangiku, not "Mrs. Funbags".

25. The captain of the 12th division is not to be referred to as "Dr. Ooze", "The Blob" or "The Mime".

26. The vice-captain of the 12th division was not created because "the captain couldn't get a date to save his life", and she is not his "love doll". Saying this to new members of the 12th division is forbidden.

 

[SotF]

27.) Kenpachi does not wear the bells in order to replace the angels he kills, and stop spreading it around before it gives him ideas

 

[Sunhawk]

28. It is forbidden to replace Captain Ukitake's cough drops with blood capsules.

29. After the recent loss of three acres of cherry trees, shinigami are no longer allowed to use flower petals to make an entrace, Captain Byakuya's shikai aside.

 

[DhampyrX2]

20 d) That applies to you too, Matsumoto.



30. Any and all "swimsuit" calendars featuring either gender of Shinigami shall only be produced if the Shinigami depicted within are aware of their place and have given their permission to use the images in said calendar.

30a) Ichigo wasn't complaining when I took them isn't an excuse, Rukia. He was asleep for goodness sake!

30b) Neither is "when will he possibly see them?", Yoruichi.



31) We do not feed Vice Captain Yachiru sugar. EVER!



32) Vice Captain Kurotsuchi Nemu is NOT a Steel Angel. Trying to convince her of this and then looking for her "on switch" is a punishable offense.



33) You may not sell tickets to Eleventh Division deathmatches to gullible Academy graduates only to later reveal they will be the opponents for the division members.



34) It is unlawful to try to "pimp out" members of the Fourth Division for the purpose of relieving sexual frustrations.

34a) That means you have to give Hanataro back now, ladies.

34b) He needs it just as much as they do isn't an excuse, Shunsui.



35) Captain Zaraki, just assume the answer is no.

35b) You too Captain Kurotsuchi.

 

[WOLead]

36) All Nermia martial arts practitioners are on the Do-Not-Collect-Or-Contact List, this includes the world traveling Mr. Hibiki. Let Hueco Mundo deal with them instead.



37) Zaraki was not, is not, will never be a pirate. Soifon and the Special Forces are not Ninjas. Do not go telling Zaraki otherwise in order to get him to go fight the whole division. This means you Hitsugaya.

37b) The parrot must go Zaraki. We don't care if it repeats insults and gets more people to fight you, get rid of it.

37c) Someone, get Zaraki out of the pirate costume. Please. Also, return that ship the 11th division stole from Davy Jones.

37d) How did anyone get Zaraki, Yachiru, and the 11th Division to sing "You are a Pirate"? Please, make them stop. Unohana has stated that she will use Bankai if she hears that song one more time, despite how cute Yachiru is dressed up.
(Watch the "You are a pirate" video on YouTube. You'll now immediately which parts Yachiru and Kenpachi would end up singing, after Yachiru bugs Kenpachi enough. And the violence that would occur WHILE they were singing the song.)



38) Captain Jack Sparrow must return back to Davy Jones's locker with his ship, Shunshui. I don't care if you finally found a good drinking buddy, despite his odd taste in alcohol. What do you mean you made him Captain of Division 3...



39) All Gigai made must be in the form of the Shinigami who will use it. They are not to be made in the form of someone else, then stuffed with a Soul Candy for ... creative uses. All unauthorized Gigai must be disposed of and destroyed immediately.


(Anyone else ever what would happen in Maya Natsume, Hinako Ninomiya, and Neliel Tu Oderschvank ever met up?)

 

[Cornuthaum]

40.) Captains are discouraged from inviting their fellow captains for the sole purpose of discerning who is the better torturor. It is messy, and the Commander-General can come up with better things for you to do, like more paperwork.

41.) Captain Ichimaru is reminded that neither "Blood of the Innocent" nor "Broken Hearts" are proper sustenance for shinigami. Please stop spreading these untruths. We do not want recently deceased mortals fear that we shall suck their blood or something.

42.) Attention all Soul Society: The next person to beat up my Vice-Captain will recieve tenfold what you did upon him. Only I am allowed to do that. Thanks for your attention; Captain Soifon out.

43.) Do not mock Yachiru for being small - Zaraki.

44.) Burning half your division barracks down in an effort to get rid of paperwork is not proper conduct. Captain Kurotsuchi can attest to that.

 

[Ringmaster]

45). Despite her tendancy for biting, Vice-captain Yachiru Kusajishi is not secretly the vorpal bunny in disguise. Telling new shinigami graduates this is wrong.

45a) ...even if it makes Captain Zaraki laugh.

45b) ...especially if it makes Captain Zaraki laugh.

45c) ...Unohana, cut it out! Komamura's starting to have nightmares!

 

[S J C]

46) It is henceforth forbidden to kill shinigami for any of the following reasons.

a) They touched my Yoruichi toy. This means you Captain Soifon

b ) They looked like an interesting test subject. This means you Captain Kurotsuchi

c) They looked strong. This means you Captain Zaraki

d) They looked at my sister This means you Captain Kuchiki

 

[Cornuthaum]

47.) Carving your name into the walls of Seireitei barehanded is not required as proof that you are worthy to join the Gotei 13.

48.) Please do not urinate into blue puddles. - Captain Kurotsuchi M.

49.) Captain Kuchiki is not to be disturbed during his meals. The Fourth is overworked as it is and certainly needs no new patients. - Captain Unohana R.

 

[Sunhawk]

50. Captain Zaraki does not wear an eyepatch because he "had an unfortunate accident with a pair of scissors". It is wrong to tell new members of the 11th this.

51. On a completely unrelated issue, no shinigami is allowed to use shunpo, run or otherwise move at faster than a brisk walk while carrying any of the following items: scissors, letter openers, knives or nail files.

 

[S J C]

52) Please note all pets must be approved by at least 2 captains and the captain commander.

52 a) This means you unseated officer Kuchiki

52 b ) Send the rabbit back to Caerbannog right now.

52 c) We don't care if he scares Aizen get rid of it.

 

[S J C]

53) Please note that Captain-General Yamamoto has demanded that the person or persons responsible for Love Bleach cease and diciest immediately.