Things Starfleet Officers are No Longer Allowed


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135) There is no rule 135.

136) Using Vogon poetry to interrogate suspected criminals to obtain information on their accomplieces is now forbidden.
136a) Even if it works.
136b) ESPECIALLY because it works.


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137) No officer below the rank of Captain may authorise the use of photon torpedo casings as re-entry pods, even if the transporter systems are non-functional.
137)a. And park the shuttles in designated landing zones, do you know what the fines are like for leaving a starfleet shuttle in someone's garden?


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138) We don't care if Kirk liked to do it, there is a reason the First Officer is supposed to be leading the away teams and not the Captain. We lose less Captains this way.
139) We don't care if Sisko and Picard did it but please do not become a religious figure.
140: Thou shalt not Fuck with The Sisko.

141: Please review crappy holodeck games on your own time. Subspace radio silence means subspace radio silence.

142: There is no such thing as a "Sexplorer" and you are not it for your ship.

143: Shuttlepod racing is not allowed inside or outside of the ship.

144: For the last time, we can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Section 31.
144a: But if they did exist it is unlikely they would be employing you to spy on the attractive female officers in their quarters.
144b: It is also very unlikely they would have you go off on a "covert mission" to Miami Beach.

145: USS Valiant's crew was not killed because the "Force was not strong with them". They were killed because they were stupid. Keep that in mind.

146: Vulcans are not Jedi, nor do they have lightsabers.

147: Not every ship has a "Weakpoint" that you can attack for "Massive Damage". See USS Valiant.

148: There will be no sneaking off to the Mirror Universe to have sex with Mirror counterparts of people you know or your spouses.
148a: Captain Sisko.
148b: Chief O'Brien.
148c: Colonel Kira.
148d: Ambassador Spock
148e: Captain Riker
148f: You know what? All of you know who you are.

149: Due to complaints from his mother, we are no longer allowed to vote Wesley Crusher as the Biggest Loser in the Galaxy... officially.

150: Top hats and monocles are not part of the standard uniform.
150a: Nor are Bikinis or Speedos.
150b: Or sombreros.
151: Voyager Six was not upgraded V'Ger by the Transformers. Really who started that rumor?

152: You can not use the Galactic Barrier to gain God-Like powers "just to show those jerk energy beings they messed with the wrong guy"and kick their butts.

153: Betting on when Ambassador Neelix's lungs will give out and he drops dead is forbidden.

153a: Though everyone at Starfleet Medical does wonder why the lung from a race that lives only nine years was considered the best choice.

154: The whole warp 10 incident on Voyager was caused by food poisoning. The Doctor states none that happened.

155: And whoever says the Andorians have four genders needs a refresher biology course. And Andorian race might marry into groups of four, but that doesn't mean they have four genders.


KING (In Land of Blind)
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156: Q is not a cat. Squirting him with a spray-bottle full of water will not deter him from altering space-time for his own amusement.

156a: Yes I know it works for Picard but you aren't Picard, are you?


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157. Borg Fighting is now illegal. We do not care if you want to see which drone adapts the best.

158. Borg animal fighting is now also illegal. Really, why would you do that?
158a: Mr. Data wants his cat back.
158b: No, we do not accept the excuse that you wish to understand why it changed genders on the Enterprise-D.
158c: No, renaming it 'Ranma' will not make us think it is a different cat.
159. A red face mask and boxing gloves are not standard issue for security officers.

160. You do not work for good or for awesome.

161. Hiding a phaser in a sword and telling the prewarp civilazation it's a magic sword is not allowed.


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161a) This rule is hereby expanded to all weapons currently above said culture's tech level. Including, but not exclusive to, orbital bombardments, that Ferengi energy whip thing, Kiingon Disruptors, even slugthrowers or primitive weapon replicas made from alloys that are too advance for said civilization. Really people, common sense would dictate that this should be covered by the prime directive already.


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162) To reiterate: "Kirk Did It First" is never, ever, EVER a good excuse for anything. Period.


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163. Yo mama jokes--aka, the Dozens--aka, Snapiing--is not an allowable response to superior officers.

163a. The Admiral found it extremely distasteful as his mother was neither fat, alive, or that stupid.


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165.) The godzilla threshold is not a point you should aim for
166: You are not allowed to mess around with the Dyson sphere. Messing around for the purposes of this rule implicitedly includes using a gamma ray emitter to carve it up into Ringworlds, take chunks of it for souvenirs, or draw obscene messages on it's surface.


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167. You are not allowed to 'borrow' mothballed starships, and then confront their replacements, claiming to be from the past.

167a. Changing uniforms do not help either.
167b. Nor can you use this as an excuse to fire on other ships. The Klingons were our allies when that ship was built.
167c. Really? You honestly thought someone would buy the thought that not only were you from the past, but that we were at war with Ferengi?
167d. No! We will not accept that you are from the evil parallel universe, even if you have a goatee! We saw the spray paint on the hull to change the U in USS to I!
168: There is no such thing as a Weeping Angel or Lonely Assassin or other form of Variable Quantum-State Lifeform known to Federation science at this time. So please stop smashing statues. The locals are either becoming pissed off or paranoid about them too.


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169. No, the reason for the color change for uniforms, from gold to red and visa-verse between command and engineering/security was not to void the 'red shirt' curse. Stop telling people that!


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171) Dont feed the tribbles.

171b) If you must have one, register it with the quartermaster. AND DONT FEED IT ANYTHING MORE THAN IT CAN NEEDS.


172) When hailed by the Borg do not antagonize them.
172b) Related: Do not antagonize Liberated Borg crew members. They may be disconnected from the Collective but that doesnt mean they wont hit you in the face.


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173) You are not a memeber of the Emperor's Holy Inquisition, and thus can not call down an Exterminatus

174) All female Engineers will be referred to by their rank and last name, and not "Wrench Girl"

175) We have dissimised all claims of these "Reapers", Commander Shepard. Please stop telling races they exist.


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175a) But they really do!
176) This should be obvious but sadly, not everyone does it. No hostile party should ever be allowed to take control of Federation facilities or equipment, especially if it is more advanced than their own. That means even if you have to die to do it, you must blow up either them or the equipment/facility. This includes ships that have been hijacked. It is your duty.
177) No, Security Crewman Jones, you are not allowed to wear another uniform. Red Shirts are security uniforms. You are not allowed to change it.
175b) There is no way they could get past the Galactic Barrier without ending complete and utterly wrecked.

178) Eternia is off limits to everyone.

178a) And no it didn't make the Vulcan Science Directorate go crazy.


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Ordo said:
174) All female Engineers will be referred to by their rank and last name, and not "Wrench Girl".
174a) The term "Wrench Wench", although possessing a greater lyrical wit inherent than the former term, is still not acceptable. Also, you will find very few women who appreciate being referred to as "wench".


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179: no one is allowed to replace jonathan archer with archer, no matter how awesome an idea it is